Episode 6 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

-I'm off to do my telly show, you going to be all right on your own?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Oh, if Social Services come round tell them I'm just taking a dump.

Later.

This programme contains adult humour and strong language.

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, qwaliteeeee.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeeeees!

Hello, hello, love the glasses, you legend.

You're nice, innit?

Yeah, I'm in there. Hello, hello, hello, hello, spread the love.

Spread the love all the way back there, yes!

The man over here, what is that curly hair?

Sweetie pie!

Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show,

I'm Lee Nelson!

Yeah, joining me on my show tonight, he's always out of breath,

but I love him to death, it's my best mate Omelette.

CHEERING

Yeah, my nan's going to be singing a carnival classic.

CHEERING

Hello, Nan.

And I'll be trying to take a cheeky look down that girl's top.

It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Qwaliteeeee!

People, people, people, I am in the mood of my life.

Omelette finally done it with a girl.

CHEERING

Yeeees. The idiot went on top, now he's up for manslaughter.

We is going to have a proper, proper laugh tonight.

I'll talk to youse, you talk to mes,

I'll take the piss, you'll take the piss...

Do you know what I mean?

That way at the end of the night, someone gets bottled.

Heads up, it might well be you, geezer.

That cardigan is 100% fucking wrong, innit?

That has got to come off, innit, people?

Off, off, off,

off, off, off, off, off off...

Yeah!

Yes, yes, that's disgusting.

Trousers, trousers, trousers,

trousers, trousers, trousers.

He's loving his trousers.

This one over here just come out the closet, you legend.

No, man, you shouldn't judge people on their clothes.

I don't know, sweetie pie, over here, do people look at you and think, hooker?

Innit? And that's, that's wrong, you know, she's much classier than that, people.

She's an escort.

Everyone gets judged, you know. Does everyone here get judged?

I'm going to look at different people. Boys, what about you?

What do people think when they look at you?

-I don't know.

-No? I'm looking at you thinking...

..I'd rather you weren't here.

Look at you, geezer, with your leather jacket.

Yes, is that the mum there? She thought that was a good idea.

And you let her do that, you idiot, my man.

No, youse is nice, youse is like a yummy mummy, innit, sweetie pie?

She is very, very nice, innit? I'd definitely bang your mum.

I get judged all the time, you know.

A couple of months ago I got judged day after day after day

by this group of idiots, fucking... jury.

I was there cos I got caught shoplifting at Tesco's.

Now, that was my own stupid fault, man, I should never have asked for the Clubcard points.

Omelette, have youse ever got caught shoplifting?

-Yeah, I nicked some penny sweets once.

-Oh, you legend, how many did you steal?

About 35,000.

I got arrested by a copper on a bicycle.

That shit is humiliating, people!

I got taken down to the station with me sat in the fucking basket.

Anyone here got arrested? Sweetie pie, you ever got arrested?

No.

No. That's weird,

I thought it would be illegal to look that fit.

Hey, babe, yeah? If you was a burger in McDonalds, you'd be a McGorgeous.

Innit? Cos she's got well nice buns.

I would love to munch on her happy meal.

Take a look at her. You know she comes with a toy.

Who had a big grin on their face while I was doing all that? Geez, you legend up here?

You loved that, you loved that.

My man over here was grinning away while I was doing all my McDonald's stuff.

Come here, you legend, innit? You dirty old fucker, he was loving that.

He was loving that, he hadn't seen action in a while, innit.

It's just him and the fucking shed.

Welcome, geez, welcome, 100%. How old is you?

Er, 58.

-58?

-Yeah.

He might be able to get away with that online.

Welcome, welcome, you legend, you still fit and well and everything like that?

-Very fit and well, thank you, yes.

-Yeah, fucking come on then.

Oh, my gosh, listen. Every single person is welcome on my telly show, do you know what I mean?

From the posh people over here right to the scum at the back.

Old fella up there, youse is hanging out with someone who looks quite a posh girl next to you.

-Is you quite posh, sweetie pie?

-I think I am, yes.

-There we go, I knew it, innit.

-Shall we do a posh test on her, find out how posh she is?

-Yeah.

Who's up for a posh test?

CHEERING

Posh test, posh test, posh test,

posh test, posh test, posh test!

Woo, posh test, yeah. Sweetie pie, posh test, what's your name, baby?

-Annie.

-Annie, oh, that's posh, innit? That's posh.

Oh, let's think. Do you carry a cash card or a credit card or both?

-Er, both.

-Both, oooh.

All right, let's think.

OK, what is your pin number?

I like the posh people cos they just do things a little bit differently, that's the truth of the matter.

Like normal people, I don't know, like who's like me or you or something, innit,

we'd be like down it, down it, down it, down it, smoke some weed, smoke some weed, innit...

But the posh people, they're like, sip it, sip it, sip it.

Smoke some salmon, smoke some salmon.

They're mental with their manners, innit?

Have you ever done that? Like they have the big fork and the big knife

and then the slightly smaller fork and the slightly smaller knife

and then the slightly smaller... Fucking hell, man, it's only a fucking pizza!

Ridiculous, innit? And they talk a bit different, that's the truth of the matter.

Normal people will talk a bit different to the posh people. Like posh people...

A posh person would say, "It's OK, my kids are being looked after by my staff."

Normal people like me and you will be like,

"It's OK, my kids are being looked after by my Staffs."

You cannot teach posh, it is either in the family or it ain't in the family.

-Like, sweetheart, you know your parents?

-I do know my parents.

-Yeah, there we go, youse is posh.

Quality. People youse knows what's coming next, it's Jason Bent!

Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents

and we've been given 110% access to his life.

This is 110% Bent.

Ending weeks of speculation and negative press surrounding his future,

Jason's finally put pen to paper on a new five-year contract

and gives an exclusive interview to BBC Radio 5 Live's Mark Chapman.

This is 5 Live Sport with Mark Chapman.

Jason, welcome to 5 Live Sport.

You've just signed your new deal and yet there's been a lot of paper talk

that you felt the club lacked ambition, that you were bigger than the club

and that you were going to walk away unless you were made the highest paid player,

so where do you think all these rumours have come from?

Well, I got me suspicions. Eeerm, and I'm pretty sure it was me.

And you know, I just wanted to be paid what I thought I deserved.

The previous contract was only worth a 115 grand a week,

which is obviously very hard to get by on.

And I was walking around the club and seeing players like Ricardo on 190 grand a week

and you know, with all due respect to Ricardo,

I scored 30 odd goals last season, he didn't get a single one.

Now I'm not saying he's not a decent keeper.

So the supporters, did they influence your decision to stay?

Yeah, the supporters had a massive influence on me staying.

Eeerm, you know, especially when about 50 of them in balaclavas surrounded me house chanting,

"Stay, stay, stay or we'll break your fucking legs."

Erm, so yeah, the fans have been magnificent.

Now you were quoted, weren't you, as being worried about the direction the club was going in

so are you satisfied now with how the future looks at the club?

Yes, I am.

Eeeerm, I met with the new Chinese owners and with Chairman Mao...

..and I said to them, what direction is the club going in?

And they said the Far East.

And the new Chinese owners told me they've got a lot of money to spend,

they got big ambitions and they want to make this

the biggest football club in the world by the year of the pig.

And Chairman Mao's absolutely convinced it's going to be a very successful few years ahead

and he should know, he made his money selling fortune cookies.

What about the chairman's son? He's gone straight into the first team

and yet I'm told that's against the manager's wishes?

No, absolutely not.

Er, the chairman's son's here on merit and he's in the team on footballing abilities alone.

Erm, he certainly gives us something different.

Name another Premier League team with a winger in a wheelchair.

Come on, Jason, don't you think the large number of Chinese signings

made by the chairman is just a ploy to appeal to the Asian market?

No.

Eeerm, I know he's brought in, I think, 24 Chinese lads,

but most of them are here to make the kit and balls.

Finally then, Jason, the deal is signed

so do you think this is going to put a stop to all the talk that you're going to Madrid?

Erm, I'm getting sick and tired of these Madrid rumours.

Erm, obviously it's flattering to be linked to a big club like Real Madrid,

you know, a massive club, possibly the biggest football club in the world,

incredible tradition, erm, magnificent history.

I supported them as a lad and it would be a dream come true to put on that famous white shirt

and play in front of the Madridistas, the greatest fans on earth.

(GARBLED SPANISH)

Live and die for Real Madrid.

(GARBLED SPANISH)

It would be an honour to serve the good people of Madrid.

(GARBLED SPANISH)

My heart belongs to you, Madrid, and I love you.

I just hope that puts a stop to them rumours.

Jason, thanks for coming on 5 Live Sport.

Oi, is everyone here having a good summer?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Yeah! Summer's the best time of year, innit?

The girls wear very, very little.

I was going along the other day,

I see this girl, I could not work out what she had on, man,

whether it was like a tiny little skirt or just a massive muff.

Innit? So I've just like slammed on the brakes, right, pull over,

I was like, "You all right, treacle?

"Fancy coming for a ride on my mountain bike?"

Definitely would have pulled her, but my chain fell off.

My little boy loves the summer. I took him to Euro Disney, yeah,

it's only a two-hour flight. I never knew America was that close.

Oi, right, travelling with a seven-year-old on a plane, has anyone done that?

-Yeah.

-Ain't it a night? Sweetie pie, what happened with you, baby?

-We sat in first class.

-You sat in first class? All right, fuck off.

Innit? Poor you, innit?

Sat in first class, go on, let's hear your sob story.

He put chocolate in my seat and I fell asleep and it melted all in my crack.

Am I hearing this right or...?

Well, I was really hot and so...

-How olds' your kid?

-No, it was not my kid... Oh, no, it was my friend's son.

Have you understood any of the show so far?

My seven-year-old just went hyper, it was a nightmare.

I had to confiscate his vodka Red Bull in the end.

And we's hired the car, right, when we was out there to get from the airport to the hotel.

Oh, my gosh, the French is the most mental drivers in the world, innit?

You know when you're vexed in the UK, right, and you're like on the road, you're like, "wanker!"

Innit? That's what you do, "wanker!"

Innit? "Wanker!" Sweetie pie, you more of a wanker...

Close that mouth, babe.

They was all going mental over there, right, and we weren't even going that quick

and you know the French is like a foreign place

so they got their own different ways of doing things, right?

Cos you know out in this country you go like that, "wanker!"

In France, they don't have the fist closed, they have it open like that.

So it's not that, it's that...

Innit? Not that, that.

That's interesting, innit? And they don't say wanker, French word for it is "wrong side."

Wrong side. Fuck off!

-Oi, has we got any French people in the house tonight?

-Yeah.

Yes, my man over there, I'm going to talk to my French man.

You, my man, teach us, teach us some French, geez, teach us some French.

Who here wants to learn a bit of French?

-Yeah.

-You go to France, what we want to do, order a beer. What's the French for beer?

-Bier.

-Bier.

Very similar, yeah.

French for beer is bier.

I think he's trying to make me look like an idiot.

What about, um, a cigarette? I want a cigarette with my beer, French for cigarette.

-Cigarette.

-Cigarette.

Beer, cigarette, I don't fucking believe it.

-Football.

-Football.

Oh, fuck off.

Either he's lying or I'm fluent.

-Who here has been to Euro Disney? Hands up.

-Yeah.

You have, you legend, you have a good time?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, grow up.

No, I love Euro Disney, it's a lot better than the UK version, innit?

Poundland.

What about other people? Anyone else been to Euro Disney?

-My man at the back, you loving it, oh, what was your favourite ride, fella?

-Probably Space Mountain.

Space Mountain, innit? Space Mountain's the best.

The worst thing was my little boy was just too small to go on it.

You know they have them height restrictions and he was like that much off it,

and the poor thing had been looking forward to going on Space Mountain for about a month

and he just stood by the height restriction crying and crying and crying and crying and crying.

I must have went on that ride about ten times.

I even got one of them photos you get afterwards of him crying by the height restriction.

The thing about Euro Disney, it's good for kids and adults.

For the kids they got the characters walking around,

Buzz Lightyear and Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.

For the adults, we got Cinderella, yes.

The Little Mermaid, hm, hm, hm, would you with the Little Mermaid?

Yeah, I would with the Little Mermaid.

I wouldn't know how with a mermaid but I'd give her a go.

Yeah, and you had Snow White, oh, my gosh, yeah, would you bang Snow White?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, fuck it, she's asleep.

Oi, enough from me, now it's time for Life Begins with Dr Bob.

Every second of every minute of every day,

a new baby is born.

(SHE SCREAMS)

Stop screaming, it's not going to make things better!

We put cameras into the wards of one of the busiest maternity hospitals in the country.

Show me the baby.

Following Dr Bob

and his team of midwives.

I've lost my pen.

It's a baby.

Daaaaah...

Stop! Well done, dear, all is progressing nicely.

I wonder if you wouldn't mind me bringing a couple of my medical students in,

-it's the only way they going to learn.

-Sorry, I'd just like some peace and quiet.

Thank you, dear. (SHOUTING) In you come, students!

Close the door behind, patient waiting, good.

Now, students, why do we think Mrs Sanderson is moaning?

-Cos she's in pain?

-Cos she's in pain, yes, good.

So, students, what are we going to give her?

-Gas and air?

-Gas and air, yes, off you go and give her some.

-Ask her if that's better?

-Is that better, Mrs Sanderson?

(HIGH-PITCHED) No, that's not better at all.

Sophie, do you realise what you've done?

Sophie has given her the helium canister that I brought in

for tonight's vicars and tarts party at the Students' Union. Who's going?

(THEY CHEER)

(HIGHPITCHED) Good, I'll see you all there.

Hello, what's your name?

Hello, everyone, I'm Dr Bob.

It's funny!

-ALL: Push, push, push, push, push, push, push.

-I can't do it!

More encouragement, students. We love you, Mrs Sanderson.

# We love you, Mrs Sanderson Push, push

# We love you Mrs Sanderson, we do

# Oh, Mrs Sanderson, we love you, hooray! #

Yes! It's a boy!

# For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# And so say all of us

# And so say all of us And say so all of us. #

Who's got Mrs Sanderson's baby?

Here's your baby.

It's just blanket! I always do that joke for the students.

Here's your baby.

It's the same joke as before, but less funny.

Vicars and tarts party.

-Yeah!

-Party, party, party.

If you want to come along tonight, it's £3 on the door and a free shot before 7.30.

I'll probably see you there.

(HIGH-PITCHED) I'm Dr Bob. Still funny.

Have you thought about your birth plan?

Um, yeah and I'm really quite keen to have an epidural.

Have you considered a water birth?

Is that better for the baby?

Not really, no, it's just you have the stinkiest pookie I've ever come across.

APPLAUSE

Hello, Omelette, do you know what it's time for?

You know I'm seeing a therapist cos of this?

I couldn't care less, it's your peer pressure challenge.

Omelette's peer pressure challenge.

Omelette, on this wheel is three things and at the end of the show you has to do one of them.

Do you fancy...drinking a milkshake from your stinky shoe?

No, thanks.

Is you up for being turned into a human pinata?

Not really.

How's about having some colonic irrigation?

Definitely not.

Well, youse is going to have to do one of them,

cos it's Omelette's peer pressure challenge.

Spin that wheel.

Yes!

-Omelette, is you going to get turned into a human pinata?

-No, I'm not.

Well, we'll see about that. Oi, everyone, let's pressure him into it.

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.

-You going to do it now?

-Yeah, all right.

CHEERING

We've peer pressured him into it. Off you go and get ready, my man.

Quality! People, it's time for me Auntie Janet's tips.

An intimate session doesn't always have to end in full blown sex.

For something that's different but can be just as fun, why not try watching each other masturbate?

Quality!

That, people, is all we've got time for. Oh, no.

But before we go, it's time to reveal this week's audience bellend.

What a perfect bellend.

Oi, there's just one more thing to come, it's my nan's singing!

Come on down, Nan.

Thank youse for watching, thank youse for coming.

Hello, Nan.

What is youse singing for us tonight, Nan?

Lee, tonight I'm asking the UK, Who Let The Dogs Out?

Yeeeees! Take it away, Nan.

# Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# The party was nice, the party was jumpin'

# Yippee-aye-oh Everybody's having a ball

# Yippee-aye-oh

I tell the fellas calling the... Yippee-aye-oh

# And the girls report to the call

# Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who? #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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