Episode 7 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

This programme contains some strong language

I'm off to do my telly show. You gonna be all right on your own?

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

Oh, if your granddad pops round, you're just having a dream -

he passed away in 2006. Later!

Lee Nelson's Well Good Show!

Qualitee!

Ye-e-e-es!

Hello, hello, hello!

Love the goatee, sweetie pie, you are my style icon.

Oh, my gosh, look at you, innit! I'm in there! What you staring at?

Love you, geezer. Spread the love, spread the love! You legend.

My man, my man! Sweetie pie, yeah.

Spread the love, spread the love, spread the love!

Oh, yeah! Hello, sweetheart!

CHEERING

I'm loving that, loving that! Spread the love!

Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show.

I'm Lee Nelson!

CHEERING

Joining me on my show tonight, he looks like a pregnant mother,

but I love him like a brother, it's my best mate, Omelette!

CHEERING

My nan is gonna be spitting a well sick tune!

Hello, nan.

And I'll be asking that bloke over there

whether taking steroids has shrivelled his willy.

It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show! Qualitee!

CHEERING

Oh, people, I am in the mood of my life.

I've been married to my missus, Amber,

for one year today!

CHEERING

Yeah!

I organised a surprise party last night.

It went very well, actually -

she still ain't found out about it!

I got wasted.

We played this mental drinking game, yous all got to try it, right?

The way it works, everyone who turns up at a party

has to drink as much as they can.

It's fucking brilliant!

Omelette was being a little bit la-a-ame!

Omelette, right, was refusing to drink until he'd eaten something.

"I've got to eat, I've got to eat". No, mate, you drink, innit?

"I've got to eat something, I've got to eat something, please!

"I got diabetes."

Had to force the drink down him in the end.

Still didn't stop him banging on about his diabetes,

even when we was in the ambulance.

SOME LAUGHTER

The only thing that finally shut him up was this, um...

coma.

I can't believe I's been married a year.

That's mental, innit?

I still remember going on my first date with Amber.

Went the cinema - my sort of first date.

I done the popcorn trick on her. Do yous know the popcorn trick?

Yeah!

Take the box of popcorn and you cut a hole in the bottom.

SOME LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS

"Would you like some popcorn, babe?"

"Yeah...argh!"

It's called the popcorn trick because if she does it enough times,

it turns sweet popcorn salty.

LAUGHTER

-Who remembers their first date? Geez, remember your first date with your girl?

-Yeah.

-What you do?

Just went up pub and had a few beers.

The old "here, have a drink, have another drink..."

"Here's another one. Let me top you up, a double, a triple." You...

rapist.

Them early relationship days is the best, innit?

We had sex in some mental places. Who has had sex in a lift?

Anyone done it in...

an empty lift?

Anyone done it on a kitchen table? Yes!

In IKEA.

Made the catalogue.

Then I took it to the next level - I proposed.

Check this out - I laid a dozen roses on her bed.

Yeah! She loves the caramel ones.

Let's talk to some of the older generation who...

What's going on over here?

Are you over here, fella? Those two.

Oh, that's love, innit? Two seats apart.

And what happened with your fella, when he proposed to you back in the...?

Back in the what?

I don't fucking know when!

LAUGHTER

1983.

1983, yeah, course it was.

LAUGHTER

-And how did you propose?

-Do you know, I bloody can't remember now!

I bet you she remembers - the girls are normally more romantic.

-What happened, did he get down on one knee?

-No, did he heck.

-No!

You didn't return the favour on too, then.

-Is you married to her, geez?

-I am.

-Yeah.

-It's four months now, so...

-Four months?

-And you're still touching her like that?

-Yeah.

You've had an affair, ain't ya?

-My man, you've been married to your missus for four months?

-Yeah.

You know your missus pretty well, I'd imagine?

I think so. I hope so.

Yeah, well, let us find out, people.

Because you and you is about to play

You Might Get Dumped At The End Of This!

-# You Might Get Dumped At The End Of This!

-#

My man, this game is simple.

You is about to get to meet five different girls.

All yous has got to do is tell me which of them

is your wife.

LAUGHTER

-It sounds easy, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

Well, it might not be so easy...

-..once we've blindfolded you!

-LAUGHTER

With this humiliating blindfold.

-Watch the hair.

-And watch the hair.

It's a shit haircut.

-Matches the shirt.

-LAUGHTER

Bring out the five girls!

Round one. Now, I bet you reckon your wife

feels different to anyone else in the world,

but can you tell which woman is yours...

by kissing them?

ALL: Oh!

Remember what the game's called, people.

Girl one, please will you step this way?

Here we go.

Thank you, girl.

All right, did you like that?

-It was a bit quick, like.

-A bit quick.

Can't say you liked it in case it ain't your wife!

LAUGHTER

But if it is your wife and you haven't said you liked it,

-you're fucked either way, mate!

-LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what, geez, let's help you out here.

Let's put that on you there.

Now relax and enjoy the game. Girl two.

There we go, girl two.

ALL: Oooh!

Is that it?

LAUGHTER

Girl three.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Are you enjoying this, geezer? Yeah!

-Go on, fuck it.

-LAUGHTER

Girl four.

Girl five.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who did you enjoy the most, geez?

Number six.

LAUGHTER

I ain't fucking touching you!

LAUGHTER

-Number three.

-Number three.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

WOLF-WHISTLING

It's hard, innit, telling who your wife is just by kissing them?

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

LAUGHTER

My man, round two.

All yous got to do is tell me which mouth

belongs to your wife.

It's the nosh off round.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You wish, mate, you wish!

-LAUGHTER

You've only been married four months, yeah? You think you really would have lasted five girls?

Wouldn't have got past the first, mate.

And trust me, girl one looks like an absolute filth bag.

LAUGHTER

-Girl five looks up for it, as well.

-LAUGHTER

She looks like she'll eat anything.

LAUGHTER

My man, it's the final round and I know this is gonna be your favourite.

Can you tell which of the girls is your wife...

..by feeling their breasts?

LAUGHTER

Girl number one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Girl...number two.

CHEERING AND WOLF-WHISTLING

Yeah, all right!

Girl number three.

CHEERING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Girl number four.

CHEERING

Mate!

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, girl number four, thank you.

Girl number five.

CHEERING

You felt them and squeezed them, which number girl is your wife?

Number one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's time to find out if you might get dumped at the end of this.

HE LAUGHS

Yes, yes!

Snog, snog, snog!

ALL: Snog, snog, snog...

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, that was a buzz. Fuck it, let's have another!

It's Jason Bent!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents.

And we've been given 110% access to his life.

This is...110% Bent.

With the new season about to get under way,

Jason's been invited to go on BBC One's Football Focus

for an interview and a round of golf with the one-and-only Robbie Savage.

So, the new season - big changes over the summer,

with seven new signings you must be concerned you won't be an automatic choice in the team.

No, not at all. Erm...

It's a squad game now, and hopefully there'll be some horrific injuries.

Has your pre-season been affected by the headlines the team made

after the incident with a local girl at the end of the tour of Asia?

That was a lot of fuss over nothing, to be honest.

The lads had a few drinks, we met this girl,

and we were all just letting our hair down with her.

And filming her.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hang on, hang on.

Hello? Hello?!

I can't understand what you're trying to tell me.

Yeah - do you speak any English at all?

Then I can't communicate with you, can I?

Yeah. OK, sorry. Bye.

Capello.

Looking now to the season ahead,

you picked up some silly bookings last year,

especially the one for over-celebrating,

which made you miss some key matches.

Is that something you'll try to cut out of your game?

Yeah, over-celebrating was a silly thing to do.

Erm, I took off my shirt and my shorts and put my pants on my head

and made love to Wally the Mascot.

To make it worse, he picked up an injury.

Because of my pants on my head, I couldn't see where I was going,

the smell was disorientating - I ran straight into the goalpost.

Finally, apart from the training, what's an average day for Jason Bent during the summer break?

Erm, well, I tend to get up when I'm awake. Erm...

Then I'll take my morning shit.

Then I'll have a go on my PlayStation for...10, 11 hours.

Then before I go to bed I'll go on Twitter with Rio Ferdinand

-and call Robbie Savage a

-BLEEP.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who have we got in the house tonight, people?

Any foreign people in the house, give us a cheer.

Loads of foreign people, innit?

One legend at the back there - whereabouts are you from, fella?

Dominican Republic.

LAUGHTER

Central America!

-Central America, man!

-Caribbean...

-Caribbean!

-..descent.

-Make your fuckin' mind up!

Central America - that's got even a different time out there, innit?

-Yeah.

-What time is it right now?

-What's the time now?

-That's the easy bit, innit?

'Ow many 'ours be'ind is your country?

Er, it's...five...

It's five hours!

What language do you speak in your...?

Spanish!

-Is your Spanish any good.

-Muy bien.

That's good, cos your English is shit.

Sweetie-pie, with the nice, stripy top and that...

-Sierra Leone.

-Sierra Leone? Oh, that's weird.

I could have sworn you was Jamaican.

Cos Ja-makin' me want to put my tongue in your mouth.

Who's we got? Sweetie-pie - whereabouts are you from?

-Malta.

-What's that?

Malta.

LAUGHTER

You've got a lovely accent, babylicious, haven't you?

-Say something in your accent.

-What would you like me to say?

-Whoo...

Say your phone number.

I hear different accents, I think of different things.

I hear Australian accent, straightaway I think sport.

I hear Italian accent, I'm thinking food.

I hear Indian accent, I think I'm...

about to be put on hold...

I say welcome to each and every one of you people.

I know all of yous, no matter where yous is from, is gonna love this.

It is time for Life Begins...

With Dr Bob!

Every second

of every minute

of every day,

a new baby is born.

Aaaagh!

Screaming is not going to make things better!

We put cameras into the wards

of one of the busiest maternity hospitals in the country...

SHOW ME THE BABY!!

-..following Dr Bob...

-Shit!

-..and his team of midwives.

-I've lost my pen!

It's a baby!

Ah-ha.

Ah-ha.

Ah-ha. What...have...we...

here?!

Ah-ha.

Now, what is this...?

Ta-ta!

I'm just trying to keep the mood light.

Your wife's up shit creek, and I can't spot a paddle.

-She's going to be all right, though, isn't she?

-Yes, of course!

Actually I'm just saying that -

she's absolutely fucked.

BABY HEART MONITOR PULSES

How are things getting on?

Is it supposed to be doing that? What does this machine do?

-This machine?

-Yeah.

This machine here?

-This one?

-Yeah.

Yeys.

So, unfortunately, we are going to have to operate.

Now, I don't have time to explain everything to you right now,

because time is of the essence,

and every second I spend explaining things to you here

is another second where your wife and baby are in grave danger.

It's simply a case of getting her down to surgery

as quickly as is humanly possible.

Because the quicker we can start this operation,

the higher their chance of survival.

Conversely, the longer we delay,

the lower their chance of survival, and I...

I hope you understand, and that all makes sense.

Yes, but shouldn't you be getting on with it?

I absolutely should, because this is all about speed.

I do need to know, though,

where you got your shiny shoes!

Is no time.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Allo, Omelette - do you know what it's time for?

Yeah, I'm not doing it this week. I've got a note from my doctor.

Dear Mr Nelson -

my patient, Mr Omelette - aka Fat Legend -

is currently suffering from severe work-related stress,

and I believe, if he were to take part in one more Peer Pressure Challenge,

he is certain to have a peer pressure-induced heart attack.

Well, I'd still like you to do it.

What do you suggest?

Ask somebody from the audience to do it.

Is anyone 'ere up for doin' a Peer Pressure Challenge?

The legend over there with two hands up.

My man, what's your name?

-Jason.

-All right. Is you proper up for this?

Yeah.

People - it's time for Jason's Peer Pressure Challenge!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Someone else who isn't me cos I might have a heart attack

Peer Pressure Challenge!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Jason - we's has got you in Omelette's tracksuit

to commit to this Peer Pressure Challenge proper.

On this wheel is three things, and you 'as to do one of them.

Does you fancy

dressing up as a pantomime cow,

and getting electrocuted with a cattle prod?

No.

Is you up for

getting naked and smothered 'ead to toe

in peanut butter?

No. Definitely not.

How's about snogging Omelette's mum?

No.

Well, man, yous is gonna 'ave to do one of 'em,

cos it's Jason's Peer Pressure Challenge!

Spin that wheel!

Whooooo...!

Hey!

My man, is you gonna snog Omelette's mum?

No!

Let's pressure him into it!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it...!

You gonna do it now?

No.

We've just pressured you into it.

Is you gonna do it now?!

-Yeah.

-Yes!

Hey!

People, show some love for Omelette's mum!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, my darling.

-Are you all right, babe?

-I'm very well, sweetheart.

Ye-he-heees!

Sweets -

is you up for snogging Jason?

Course I fuckin' am!!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it...!

CHEERING

Oh, yes!

Give it up for Jason!!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Legend!

LAUGHTER

Finally, someone's gonna think he's big.

That, people, is all we've got time for.

-Oh, no!

-AUDIENCE: AWWW!

But before we go,

it's time to reveal this week's Audience Bell-end.

CHEERING

Brilliant!

He's a bell-end!

There's just one more thing to come -

it's My Nan Singing!

Come on down, Nan!

Thank you for watching.

Thank you for coming!

Hello, Nan. Mwah!

Who is you gonna be for us tonight, Nan?

Tonight, Lee, I'm gonna be Dizzee Rascal.

Yes!

Take it away, Nan!

INTRO PLAYS

Get your passport and your bikini

You need a holiday, come see me

I know you're tired of the same old scenery

And I could change all that so easily

Take a chance, I'll take you to the south of France

Like Cannes

If anybody can, I can We can go shopping in Milan

I just hope you understand Hope you see it clear

It really don't matter how far or near

There's no distance that can stop my persistence

There's just a few days in the year

I've got plans, let's ride out And we ain't gonna fly

We can drive that We can have a rave

We can hire that, won't tell nobody Let them find out

If you ain't doing nothing Let's fly away, drive away

Get away, we can go to the club and hide away

We can do what you want to, baby

If you ain't doing nothing Let's fly away, drive away

Take a holiday, we can go to the club or hide away

We can do what we want, baby...

Yeah!!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd