Episode 8 Lee Nelson's Well Good Show

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

-I'm off to do my telly show. You gonna be all right on your own?

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

Oh, it's me compilation show tonight.

The idiots at the BBC are paying me to do nothing! Eesult! Later.

Lee Nelson's well good show, qualitee.

APPLAUSE

Yes!

Hello, you're fit, you're nice, waistcoat, that has gotta go, innit,

jacket, legend, no really, glasses with this loving it,

loving it, your jumper's ridiculous innit, loving that little goatee,

yes, she's nice, you're nice as well, innit, yes.

Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. I'm Lee Nelson.

Yes, joining me on my show tonight, he's always out of breath

but I love him to death, it's my best mate Omelette.

My nan's gonna be singing a carnival classic!

Hello, nan.

And I'll be hoping that girl over there

is up for doing pretty much anything.

It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, qualitee.

Oh, people, I am in the mood of my life,

let me tell you that for nothing. I got caught speeding.

CHEERING

160 mph...

in reverse!

LAUGHTER

Oh, Old Bill wanted to take away my licence.

I was well lucky I didn't have one.

Hands up who's got caught speeding? Loads of people, you legend over there, how quick was you going?

-Er, fifty-two.

-Fifty-two.

Fifty-two.

The limit's seventy, you dick.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Anyone beat fifty-two? Hands up.

My man over there, legend, how quick?

-One thirty.

-One thirty,

was you playing Mario Kart?

One thirty? You feel that desperate for a wank, just pull over.

-What car was you driving?

-Porsche. GT.

Oh, ooh!

Where's it parked?

Yeah, what car do you drive, babe?

I'm, I'm guessing it's a Volkswagen Polo

cos I reckon you has a well minty hole.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oi, some of the laws they make I think is ridiculous, right,

You know that indoor smoking ban, I think that don't make no sense. It should be the other way round.

If you don't wanna smoke, you should fuck off outside.

Why send people with the damaged lungs out in the cold

every 20 minutes?

Who here's tried giving up smoking?

Loads of you's given up. Ny man over here, how'd you give up?

-I had a heart attack.

-You had a heart attack.

LAUGHTER

-Where was you when you had your heart attack?

-Driving.

-Driving!

And what did it feel like?

To be honest with you, I was just short of breath, I couldn't breathe,

I just wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep.

-That's called dying, mate.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Anyone else here's given up,

legend over there in the, in the shit jacket.

I mean I'm, I'm trying, I'm trying to give it up, you know what I'm saying cos you know.

I think I do know what you're saying.

I mean I, I only smoke normal cigarette, yeah, I tried give it up

and all that you know, that's what I'm saying.

I'm gonna guess yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You's a legend geez, you's a proper legend,

whereabouts are you from, you nutter?

-USA, baby.

-America!

You legend.

Welcome! I've gotta say a proper hello to these, these boys,

it's so nice cos like it's a different sort of sense of humour

out in America, innit, sarcasm and that,

is that quite the same innit, do you get sarcasm?

Well, I'm pla... I do soccer man, I think soccer is...

LAUGHTER

You should know all about soccer, my man, innit.

You's done us over at the World Cup, did you know about that?

In the World Cup against the mighty England, you humiliated us!

We did get our own back though on the Americans, innit,

cos we fucked up your ocean.

And don't blame us for that cos you's do

but that was Obama, weren't it,

he had such an influence out there even the sea turned black.

I have seen the law from the other side, though,

cos I done jury service last month

and that's a crazy thing.

This guy was being accused of some heavy, heavy stuff

and you suddenly realise how big a responsibility doing jury is

and the defence was all like, no, no, no

he definitely never done it cos of like all this and shit and that...

but then the attack was all like,

no he definitely because he done it because of like other shit.

But then the judge was all like, like...

I didn't listen to a lot of it...

but fuck it, I went with guilty.

Who here is up for seeing some court cases right now?

CHEERING

People, let's go to the Old Bailee.

The Old Bailee game.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All rise.

Please be seated, you bunch of bum kissers.

Welcome to the Old Bailee.

Here is our jury...

but we's missing one member who shall now be picked at random

from you, the public gallery.

Omelette, has you put all the names of everyone

in the public gallery that I wrote down in a bag?

No, I couldn't find a bag big enough.

Well, what have you done with 'em?

I've tucked them in me pants.

Well, come here and let's pick someone out.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Mix the names about a bit.

APPLAUSE

Summer Hillman, you have been selected for jury service,

come on down.

Welcome, if you would like to join the other members of the jury.

All right, mate.

Bring out the first case.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, one of these men

standing in front of you

has committed the heinous crime...

of wearing a wig.

ALL: Oh!

The other one's just guilty of having shit hair.

And at present that ain't against the law.

He's happy about that.

LAUGHTER

Someone had to tell you.

Sweetie pie, if you find the correct person guilty,

you win a case.

ALL: Oooh!

Which person do you think is guilty of wearing a wig?

AUDIENCE SHOUT ANSWERS

-Er, A.

-You think A.

-Yeah.

-Let's find out.

My man, is you guilty of fraud by wearing a wig?

Yeah my name is Roger and I'm guilty of fraud by wearing a wig.

Let's have a look at that geez,

yeah, see.

-You should wear a wig.

-That's why I do it.

It's, it's mental, cos that makes bald people

look sort of better and that, let's, my man over here.

APPLAUSE

Let's plonk it on the right fella, you's over here.

People, let's show some love for Roger and Sidney.

APPLAUSE

Laters people, laters, legends.

Bring out the next case.

One of these women is guilty

of possessing counterfeit goods.

Is it lady A or lady B who has fake boobs?

All rise, innit.

You get this case right, you win another case.

Summer, who do you think is

guilty of having fake boobs? Audience, help out.

AUDIENCE SHOUT ANSWERS

What about the geezer in the back in the white t-shirt?

-I think it's A.

-You think it's A, why do you think it's A, fella?

Just because they're bigger than the ones on B.

-Do you think they're too big?

-Yeah.

Objection!

Summer, what is your verdict?

-A.

-Is you guilty of possessing counterfeit boobs?

My name is Eleanor and I'm not guilty of possessing counterfeit boobs.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Eleanor, they're real?

-They are, yes.

-Wow, they're spectacular.

-Thank you.

And these are the non-real ones.

-Yeah, they're not.

-Oh, well I love em,

I love the fake boobs I'll be honest with you, yeah my missus having her

second boob job done in a couple of weeks' time, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm!

Having her left one done this time.

People, let's show some love for Eleanor and Liana.

Bring out the final case.

One of these men is guilty of owning a lethal weapon.

Is it fella A or fella B who owns

an eight-inch flaccid penis?

Summer, this is to win an absolutely massive thick red case.

LAUGHTER

-A.

-Let's find out, my man.

Is you guilty of owning a lethal weapon,

-a massive penis?

-My name is Joey

and I'm not guilty of owning a lethal weapon.

ALL: Oh!

That's disappointing.

Hi I'm Danny and I'm guilty of, er, possessing a lethal weapon.

Show us, show us, show us...

Oh, my gosh, Danny. You've got...

you could put a fire out with that.

Legend, innit.

PHONE RINGS

ALL: Do it, do it, do it!

Lee Nelson Show, Lee Nelson speaking.

I don't think so but I'll check.

Danny, did you order a pizza?

No.

No... Sorry about that, OK, cheers.

Later, cheers. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Let's show some love for Danny and Joey.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Summer, you're going home with one case!

Give it up for Summer Hillman.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I now order you all to show some love for Jason Bent.

APPLAUSE

Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents

and we've been given 110% access to his life.

This is 110% Bent.

It's an incredibly proud day for Jason. He's been formally announced

as the new England captain and is about to face the world's media.

The Mirror. Jason, congratulations.

What went through your mind when you first heard you were getting the arm band?

I just thought fantastic, um, I'm not a very strong swimmer.

Er, Sky Sports News. Jason, obviously there were a number of players

in contention for the captaincy.

Have they been supportive since the manager made his decision?

Yeah, absolutely, um, I think everyone realises it

doesn't matter who the captain is, um, we're still a very shit team.

The Times. Jason, er, just how much of a blow to the

team's confidence was the disastrous World Cup campaign in South Africa?

I don't think it was a big blow, er, I mean pretty early on in the

tournament we realised we weren't gonna win it...

and, er, just have a 24-day holiday.

And I hope it's some consolation to the supporters

who took time off work and spent thousands following us

and were left absolutely gutted

that we had a fucking great time out there, um... I think we trained once.

Er, The Guardian. Jason, despite the recent lack of success it must be a real boost to the squad

that England fans still seem to be fully behind the team.

The Tonga friendly's already sold out.

Yeah, I mean to sell out Wembley for a friendly against Tonga, you know the England supporters never fail

to amaze me, um, that just what a bunch of fucking morons they are...

I mean they shell out £50 for a meaningless friendly against one of the shittest teams in the world,

I think they need to take a long hard look at themselves and get a fucking life.

-Oi, is everyone here having a good summer?

-ALL: Yeah.

My little boy loves the summer.

I took him to Euro Disney,

yeah, it's only a two-hour flight, I never knew America was that close.

Oi, right, we's hired a car right when we was out there to

get from the airport to the hotel,

oh, my gosh, the French is the most mental drivers in the world, innit.

You know when you're vexed in the UK

right, and you're like on the road you're like, "Wanker,"

innit, that's what you do, "Wanker," innit, "Wanker..."

sweetie pie, what are you more of a wanker.

Close that mouth babe.

They was all going mental over there

and we weren't even going that quick and you know the French

is like a foreign place, so they got their own different ways of doing things right.

Cos you know out in this country you go like that, "Wanker".

In France they don't have the fists closed they have them open

like that, so it's not that, it's that, innit.

Not that... that, that's interesting innit and they don't say wanker,

French word for it is wrong side.

Wrong side.

LAUGHTER

Oi, has we got any French people in the house tonight?

-Yeah.

-Yes, my man over there, I'm gonna talk to my French man.

You my man, teach us, teach us some French geez,

who here wants to learn a bit of French.

-ALL: Yeah!

-You go to France,

what we wanna do is order a beer, what's French for beer.

-Er, biere.

-Biere.

Pretty similar, yeah.

French for beer is beer.

I think he's trying to make me look like an idiot.

What, what about, um, a cigarette,

I want a cigarette with my beer.

-French for cigarette?

-Er, cigarette.

Cigarette. Beer, cigarette, don't fucking believe it, er, football.

Football.

LAUGHTER

Either he's lying or I'm fluent.

Who here has been to Euro Disney, hands up.

-Yeah.

-Yeah you have over there, you legend... have a good time?

Yeah... grow up!

What about other people, anyone else been to Euro Disney?

-My man at the back who loving it, what was your favourite ride fella?

-Er, probably Space Mountain.

Space Mountain innit, Space Mountain is the best, the worst thing was,

my little boy was just too small to go on it.

You know they have them height restrictions and he was like

that much off it, and the poor thing had been looking forward

to going on Space Mountain for about a month and he just

stood by the height restriction crying and crying and crying and crying and crying.

I must of went on that ride about ten times.

Even got one of them photos

you get afterwards of him crying by the height restriction.

The thing about Euro Disney, it's good for kids and adults.

Like for the kids they got all the characters walking around you know,

Buzz Lightyear and Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.

For the adults we got Cinderella, yes.

The Little Mermaid, hm, hm, hm,

would you with the Little Mermaid, yeah!

I would with the Little Mermaid.

I wouldn't know how with a mermaid but I'd give her a go.

Yeah and Snow White, oh, my gosh, yeah, would you bang Snow White?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, fuck it... she's asleep.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oi enough from me, now it's time for Life Begins with Dr Bob!

Every second,

of every minute,

of every day, a new baby is born.

Screaming is not going to make things better.

Good!

We put cameras into the wards of one of the busiest

maternity hospitals in the country.

Show me the baby!

Following Dr Bob.

And his team of midwives.

I've lost my pen.

It's a baby!

Life Begins, with Dr Bob.

Hello, nice to meet you both, I'm Dr Bob

but please call me Dr Bob.

Good, let's have a little feel

of your tum-tum, shall we.

Good, good.

Er, doctor it's actually me who's pregnant.

Silly me, it's just, you're so fat.

Yes.

Right, right, everything seems to be going to plan,

is the father coming down for the birth?

Er, no we're actually a couple.

That's good yes! Er, congratulations, er,

I certainly don't have the slightest of problem with the,

er, rug-munching set up.

Good.

Well, we're even now -

your waters have broken all over me.

In fact you're one up, some of it's gone in my mouth.

Keep pushing, keep it up,

it's a tough one.

SHE SCREAMS

Congratulations, you're a mother and you're...another woman.

Oh, she done so well why don't you give her a nice hug, yes,

give her kiss, kiss her good!

Touch her boobies.

Hi!

Waterbed and let's do it.

APPLAUSE

That, people, is all we've got time for,

oh, no, but before we go

it's time to reveal this week's audience bell end.

Oh, brilliant, proper bell end.

Oi, there's just one more thing to come, it's my nan's singing.

Come on down Nan,

thank you's for watching, thank you's for coming.

CHEERING

Hello, Nan.

What is you singing for us tonight, Nan?

Lee tonight I'm asking the UK, Who Let The Dogs Out?

Yes, take it away, Nan!

# Who let the dogs out

# Who, who, who, who

# Who let the dogs out

# Who, who, who, who

# Who let the dogs out

# Who, who, who, who

# The party was nice, the party was jumpin' yippee eye oh

# Everybody's have a ball yippee eye oh

# Tell the fellas... and the girls were calling

# Who let the dogs out who, who, who, who

# Who let the dogs out who, who, who, who... #

SHE CONTINUES SINGING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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