Best of Limmy's Show Limmy's Show


Best of Limmy's Show

Compilation of sketches from the BAFTA-award winning comedy series, with characters such as ex-junkie Jacqueline McCafferty and adventure game TV phone-in host Falconhoof.


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Transcript


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XYLOPHONE PLAYS DOWN SCALE

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This programme contains strong language.

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XYLOPHONE PLAYS DOWN SCALE

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XYLOPHONE PLAYS DOWN SCALE

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HE LAUGHS Welcome to Limmy's Show.

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MUSIC: "Oxygene (Part IV)" by Jean Michelle Jarre

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You're watching Adventure Call.

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My name is Falconhoof and I will be your guide on your quest.

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Greetings, Line 3, what is your name, traveller?

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'All right, Falconhoof, my name's Robbie.'

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Greetings, Robbie, and are you ready to begin your quest?

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'Aye.'

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Very well, let us begin.

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Wait for me!

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Ah, Jingle, will you be joining us?

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Yes, Falconhoof, no adventure is complete

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without jingle hat and jingle feet.

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Then I better introduce you.

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Travellers, meet Jingle, the jester.

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Greetings, travellers. I am Jingle.

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Quick of wit, I'm fast and nimble.

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Many jokes and many quips have passed between my funny lips.

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By poking fun and making merry, our journeys won't be half as scary.

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So don't be timid, don't be nervous, Jingle's 'ere, at your service.

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'Kill jester.'

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OK, let us begin our quest.

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You are standing outside Castle Voldesade.

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It is surrounded by a moat.

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The drawbridge is up.

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To your right is a small tree.

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I have heard to make the bridge go down, there is a lever, look around!

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What would you like to do?

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'Kill jester.'

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Jingle is our friend, she is here to help us.

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-'So, she'll be here for the whole quest, aye?'

-Yes.

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'To gi' us advice and tell jokes an' that?'

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Yes.

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-'For the whole quest?'

-Yes.

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'Kill jester.'

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But if you kill Jingle, you won't be able to...

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'It's my money. It's my game. Kill her.'

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-But...

-'Dae it.'

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Jingle is dead.

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Game over.

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There is now no way to...

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'Well worth it, mate, well worth it.

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'Get rid of her, she's shite.'

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HE HANGS UP THE PHONE

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Let's take another call.

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MUSIC: "Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom" by Vengaboys.

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DRAMATIC MUSIC STARTS

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DRAMATIC MUSIC STOPS

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DRAMATIC MUSIC STARTS

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HEAVY PANTING

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DRAMATIC MUSIC STOPS

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DRAMATIC MUSIC STARTS

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HE SCREAMS

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CHEERING

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'Fucking...up all night,

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'watching the telly.

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'Usual.

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'Sun comes up, so it's time to get the heid doon.

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'Just ready to crash oot when Jeremy Kyle comes on.

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'Looked like a good one so I sets it to tape.

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'And oots I go like a light.'

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'So it gets to midnight

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'and I wake up pure chokin' for a joint,

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'pure looking forward to my Jeremy Kyle.

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'Goes to stick it on.'

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-Do you know what we're going to do today?

-Fuck's this?

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'Went and recorded the wrang channel.

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'Ended up recording some weans' programme.

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'Bird was like that,

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"We're going to make a spaceship fae cardboard boxes

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"and fly to the moon."

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'I was like that,' aye, right.

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'But then I starts getting tuned into it.

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'Starts getting ideas.

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'And a wee voice in my heid says,' "Dee Dee, we're daeing this.

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"We're going to the moon."

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"We're going to the moon...

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"the night."

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'So I pauses it.'

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'And I batters oot.

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'And I raids the bin shelters for cardboard boxes.

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'Managed to get a belter o' a box,

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'the kind of cardboard box you could build a real spaceship fae,

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'never mind a pretend one made oot of cardboard box.'

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'Anyway, I gets back to Cape Canaveral

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'and we're ready for launch.

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'But no' before I've had some rocket fuel.

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'A banana skin, triple-tardis bucket, upside doon on my couch.

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'Nae need for a spaceship,

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'I was already on Pluto.'

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'But I gets in anyway, as captain of the Starship Dee Dee...

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'..fucked oot my nut.

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'Pressed play on the remote and the bird was like that,

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"Right - three...

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"two...

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"one...

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"liftoff."

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'I was like that,' Here!

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'Bird was like that, "Look below, at all the people. They're tiny."

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'And they were.'

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I've lost the plot, man.

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'Then she's like that, "Look oot, Martians!"

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'Pair o' us trying to shoot these daft wee Martians

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'but I was no use tae man nor beast in my state.

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'Then she goes, "We're nearly there.

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"We just need to get through the asteroid belt."

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'I was like that, "You're joking."

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'If I thought it was going to be this much hassle going to the moon

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'I would have just stayed on Pluto.

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'But then she goes, "We've made it!"

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'Looks aroon' and there it was...

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'..the moon.

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'I gets oot, starts walking aboot like an astronaut...

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'..played a bit of golf...

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'..took big jumps that went on for ever.'

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'Bird was like that, "Right, let's go back home now."

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'I was like that, "Yous go ahead,"

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'and I switched the thing aff.

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'And I went travelling the galaxy mysel',

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'taking in the sights,

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'investigating new civilisations...'

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Who's he? '..and new technologies.'

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'I even bumped into this guy fae Neptune

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'but I wisnae fighting with him.

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'We were organising stuff,

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'treaties and that.

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'And he told me that the woman on the telly got it wrang

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'cos the Martians are dafties and aren't even in space yet.'

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I thought she was making that up.

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'Anyway, I saw the sun rise again so I bid him farewell.'

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See you later, right?

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'I set the controls for Earth

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'and I put mysel' into suspended animation.'

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'And when I woke up, I was back.

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'Home sweet home,

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'back on terra firma...

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'..till next time.'

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Here, how annoying is this?

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VERY QUIET CHATTER

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No' annoying at all, eh?

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How aboot if I play this...

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MUSIC STARTS

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..and I start daeing this?

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And look like this.

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This is pretty annoying, isn't it? The hat, the top, the whole thing.

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Aye, this is pretty annoying.

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How aboot if I start daeing this?

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And this.

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And occasionally dae this.

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And just to top it all aff, I dae this.

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HE LAUGHS

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That's pretty annoying, isn't it?

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TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

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Any of yous into Westlife?

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Westlife? Nah.

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Naw, I know, I used to think they were pish an' all

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but I got dragged along to one of their...

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one of their concerts one night.

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I was all the way down the front row, next to the speakers.

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Honestly, man, see the base that came oot the speakers

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when they played Uptown Girl, I was like that...

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"I get it now, man.

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"I get it, now."

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Good, by the way. Aye.

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Some banter on them an' all, mate.

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I'm going to say something to you right now

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that I've never said to another living soul in my life.

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HE MAKES NONSENSICAL NOISES

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All right, mate?

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All right?

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You lost?

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Lost? No, mate, cheers.

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It's just you don't look like you're fae roon' here, you know?

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I'm no', just passing through.

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-What's that in your bag? Is that a laptop? Aye?

-Aye.

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I wish I had a laptop, man.

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Ah, you're no' missing much.

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You can dae half the stuff on the phone nowadays, can't you?

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You wouldnae miss it then, eh?

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I wouldnae say that. I've got quite...

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Gi's your fucking laptop.

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-Don't, mate.

-I'm no' your mate.

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Gi's your laptop.

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I'll tell you what...

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How aboot I gi' you something more valuable than the laptop?

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Like what?

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My time.

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I don't want your time.

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I want your laptop!

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And I'll have your phone an' all.

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I know you're hurting.

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What?

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I know you're hurting.

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Don't try tae work me oot.

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Am I wrang?

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You've got to be hurting to dae what you're daeing - robbing people.

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Robbing them of stuff that's important to them,

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knowing how much that'll hurt them but no' caring.

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I think the only way you can live with that

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is because people have hurt you.

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That they didnae care so why should you, eh?

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Well I care, mate.

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All right? Take the laptop.

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Take the phone an' all, I can always replace them. But talk tae us!

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Tell me how you got into this mess.

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You never know,

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might just help you oot o' it.

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All right.

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What have I got to lose?

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It was aboot five year' ago,

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I had this big falloot with my stepda'.

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Like,

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getting this couch he got aff his brother.

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Carrying it alang and gets a bit knackered, you know,

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like, "We'll stop for a wee break."

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So, we were sitting doon

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and we're chatting away,

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getting on brand-new.

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Then after aboot three or four minutes...

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WHOOPING AND CHEERING

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Margaret!

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Margaret, get him to come o'er to you!

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Get him to come o'er to you.

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Pull it oot, Margaret.

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Pull it oot.

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Yeah!!

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HE SCREAMS

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# Come on, let's work

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# Let's work this to the bone

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# Come on, let's work

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# Let's work it to the bone

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# Come on, let's work

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# Come on, let's work

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# Come on, let's work

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# Come on, let's work

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# That's the way it oughtta be. # MUSIC STOPS

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Margaret!

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Margaret, put it in your mooth.

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Put it in your mooth!

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In, in, in, in, in, in, in, in!

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Yeah!!

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'And, if you've been affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's programme,

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'you can call the number the bottom of your screen.'

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-'Hello.'

-Hello, is this the number to phone if I've been affected by any of the issues in...?

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'Yes, it is.'

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Right...

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Well, I've been affected by some of the issues in tonight's programme.

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-'Oh, sorry to hear that, sweetheart.'

-Yeah.

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'OK, thanks for calling.

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'Bye for now.'

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All right. Bye. PHONE CALL IS ENDED

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HE WHISTLES

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MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

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Thank you. Thank you.

0:14:470:14:49

Hello, my name's Raymond Day and welcome to Paraside.

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OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.

0:14:530:14:55

OK, can someone understand, please?

0:14:560:14:59

I have here a lady, a lady who quite recently passed to spirit.

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An elderly lady who, during her time this side of life,

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used to keep quite a lot of flowers around her home.

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I mean, a lot of flowers. This was like a greenhouse, almost!

0:15:120:15:16

-You understand this?

-Aye.

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OK, because she's telling me that she used to love

0:15:210:15:23

all the plants you would bring over but, oh, she hated those daffodils!

0:15:230:15:27

You see? She's showing me, like, her grave

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and someone's put daffodils there and she's like,

0:15:300:15:32

-"Oh, get them away from me."

-That'll be Steve.

0:15:320:15:34

-Aye.

-All right, OK.

0:15:340:15:36

She's now showing me, or doing this kind of action.

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A kind of shushing away action.

0:15:420:15:45

Like she's shushing away, like, a mouse or a rat or...

0:15:450:15:49

Did she ever had any phobias at all?

0:15:490:15:51

She was quite agoraphobic.

0:15:510:15:53

She couldnae go oot much.

0:15:530:15:55

No, no, this is like a phobia of some kind of...

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like a creepy crawly of some kind.

0:15:570:16:00

She didnae like daddy-longlegs'.

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She was petrified of them.

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I see...daddy-longlegs.

0:16:040:16:05

Bit of a scaredy-cat, your mum, wasn't she?

0:16:050:16:08

Aye!

0:16:080:16:09

I'm only kidding.

0:16:090:16:10

She sounds lovely, your mum.

0:16:100:16:12

But I'm starting to realise why, now, that she's daeing this

0:16:120:16:15

shushing away action.

0:16:150:16:17

It's not really a memory from this side of life.

0:16:180:16:22

But rather something she's experiencing, at this very moment,

0:16:220:16:26

on spirit side.

0:16:260:16:28

And the only explanation for that is...

0:16:290:16:32

and there's no nice way to put this...

0:16:320:16:34

..she's doonstairs.

0:16:360:16:37

They've put her doonstairs.

0:16:390:16:41

She didnae make it.

0:16:420:16:44

She cannae be.

0:16:440:16:46

She never had a bad bone in her.

0:16:460:16:47

Well, they don't stick them down there for nothing, pal!

0:16:470:16:50

LAUGHTER

0:16:500:16:52

No, she is doonstairs

0:16:520:16:53

because these creepy crawlies you said she's afraid of,

0:16:530:16:57

what are they called?

0:16:570:16:59

-Daddy-longlegs.

-Daddy-longlegs.

0:16:590:17:01

She's covered in them.

0:17:010:17:03

Because when I first saw her,

0:17:030:17:05

I thought she was wearing a sheet, like a ghost, you know, to give me a wee fright.

0:17:050:17:08

But no, it's because she's covered top to toe with these things.

0:17:080:17:12

And they're biting her.

0:17:120:17:14

They're really biting her.

0:17:140:17:16

And these are wounds that will never heal

0:17:170:17:19

because she is doonstairs.

0:17:190:17:22

And, what was that other thing you said she was scared of?

0:17:220:17:24

-You said she was scared to go somewhere?

-She was agoraphobic.

0:17:240:17:27

-She was scared to go oot.

-Scared to go out?

0:17:270:17:29

They're making her go out...

0:17:290:17:31

..looking like that.

0:17:320:17:33

So that's her punishment...

0:17:340:17:35

..for ever.

0:17:380:17:39

OK, I'll leave the love with you.

0:17:410:17:42

OK, thank you.

0:17:420:17:44

HE LAUGHS

0:17:460:17:49

Cannae get much more annoying than this, eh?

0:17:510:17:53

How aboot this?

0:17:530:17:54

Oh, sorry, mate.

0:17:570:17:59

HE LAUGHS

0:17:590:18:01

Or this?

0:18:010:18:03

HE BURPS

0:18:030:18:04

HE BURPS AGAIN

0:18:070:18:10

Or this?

0:18:100:18:12

HE BURPS THEN LAUGHS

0:18:150:18:18

Oh, sorry, mate.

0:18:200:18:21

It's aboot as annoying as it gets.

0:18:240:18:26

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

0:18:260:18:29

Dae any o' yous watch Coronation Street?

0:18:320:18:34

What?

0:18:350:18:36

Do you watch Coronation Street?

0:18:360:18:38

Aye, sometimes.

0:18:380:18:40

It's getting brilliant right now, isn't it?

0:18:400:18:43

I don't know, I don't know, mate. I don't watch it enough.

0:18:430:18:46

Aye, it's getting pretty good right now.

0:18:460:18:49

There's that storyline with what's-his-name...

0:18:490:18:51

..what's-his-name...

0:18:530:18:54

Here, any of yous watch Coronation Street?

0:19:160:19:18

-She's turned the weans against us.

-Shh, here he comes.

0:19:210:19:23

She's turned the weans against us.

0:19:230:19:25

She's turned the weans against us.

0:19:260:19:28

She's turned the weans against us.

0:19:320:19:34

She turn the weans against you, mate, aye?

0:19:350:19:37

Aye, she's turned the weans against us.

0:19:390:19:41

If you are a cat owner, you might sometimes wonder,

0:19:420:19:45

dae you own the cat or does the cat own you?

0:19:450:19:49

It's you that owns the cat, you daft bastard.

0:19:510:19:54

PHONE RINGS

0:20:000:20:03

Hello, reception.

0:20:030:20:05

Cathy, I will be flying down to the shareholders' meeting tomorrow

0:20:050:20:08

so could you ensure that you book me a taxi for the airport, please.

0:20:080:20:11

-No problem.

-Thank you.

0:20:110:20:12

SPEECH INAUDIBLE

0:20:160:20:19

OK.

0:20:230:20:25

OK, this is it. You knew this was coming.

0:20:250:20:26

Just get your act together, here they come. Um...

0:20:260:20:28

Hi, officer, how can I help you?

0:20:300:20:32

"Um, Mr Mulvaney, yesterday, were you in the vicinity of..."

0:20:320:20:36

Yesterday, yes, I believe I was travelling through

0:20:370:20:40

that area on my way to a business meeting.

0:20:400:20:42

Why, what is it that's happened?

0:20:420:20:44

"Well, Mr Mulvaney,

0:20:440:20:46

"an incident occurred whereby... such and such."

0:20:460:20:48

I see. Well...

0:20:480:20:51

like I said, I only passed through that area.

0:20:510:20:53

Sorry I can't help you. I didn't see anything. I hope you catch the guy.

0:20:530:20:57

"Well, Mr Mulvaney, the witness has came forward

0:20:570:21:01

"and identified you as a..."

0:21:010:21:03

I beg your pardon?

0:21:040:21:05

You think I did this?

0:21:070:21:08

You're accusing...you're accusing me?

0:21:100:21:12

Of being a shoplifter?!

0:21:130:21:14

This is ludicrous.

0:21:160:21:18

What exactly...what exactly is it I'm supposed to have...uh...

0:21:190:21:22

pinched?

0:21:220:21:23

A Kinder Surprise?

0:21:260:21:28

Cathy, what the hell is a...

0:21:280:21:30

You're accusing me of stealing a chocolate egg with a toy inside?

0:21:320:21:36

OK, I don't know who... Name and number, officer. Both of you!

0:21:360:21:38

Cathy, take note of this. Name and number.

0:21:380:21:40

How dare you come into my office and accuse...?

0:21:400:21:42

PHONE RINGS

0:21:420:21:44

-Cathy.

-'Hi.

0:21:500:21:51

'That's your taxi booked for 9am tomorrow morning.'

0:21:510:21:53

Thank you.

0:21:530:21:55

Cathy, did I just see a couple of police come in here, earlier?

0:21:550:21:57

'Yes, you did.

0:21:570:21:58

'They were asking Mr Cruickshanks to turn off his car alarm.'

0:21:580:22:01

OK, I see. Thank you.

0:22:010:22:03

This stops now.

0:22:070:22:09

'My name's Jacqueline McCafferty.

0:22:260:22:28

'I lost three year' of my life on heroin

0:22:280:22:31

'and another five year' on a methadone programme

0:22:310:22:33

'that was meant to get us aff it.

0:22:330:22:36

'So when I found oot that Marti Pellow was going to be signing copies of his new solo album,

0:22:360:22:40

'I was there in a heartbeat.'

0:22:400:22:42

CHEERING

0:22:420:22:44

Marti! Marti!

0:22:440:22:45

'Cos Marti Pellow's my hero.

0:22:450:22:47

'When I was going through recovery, he was my inspiration.

0:22:470:22:51

'I knew that if he could get through it, I could get through it.'

0:22:510:22:55

I fuckin' love you, man.

0:22:550:22:56

All right.

0:22:580:22:59

All right, Marti?

0:23:020:23:03

My name's Jacqueline McCafferty.

0:23:050:23:06

You've got nae idea how much of an inspiration you are to me, mate.

0:23:060:23:09

It must be amazing being such an inspiration to so many people,

0:23:090:23:13

so many junkies all round the world.

0:23:130:23:15

Cos we've been to hell and back.

0:23:150:23:17

Naebody knows you like I know you. You know what I mean?

0:23:170:23:19

I lost three year' of my life to heroin.

0:23:190:23:22

-And another five year' to meth...

-Aye.

0:23:220:23:24

It's a... it's a time I want to forget, Jackie.

0:23:240:23:26

So, what dae you want me to write in the album?

0:23:280:23:31

Aye, going to put, "To Jacqueline, we got through it the-gether."

0:23:310:23:37

Nae bother.

0:23:370:23:38

Don't worry. I'm no' going to go and tell the papers we were shagging or anything like that.

0:23:380:23:42

I just mean that you were a junkie an' all.

0:23:420:23:44

We got to the other side the-gether, know what I mean?

0:23:440:23:46

So what were you daeing anyway? The papers didnae say.

0:23:460:23:49

Were you tooting it or was it the whole thing?

0:23:490:23:50

Were you jagging or...

0:23:500:23:52

Look, I don't want to talk aboot it, Jackie.

0:23:520:23:54

How no'? What, are you ashamed of it? I'm no'.

0:23:550:23:57

Well, to be honest, aye, I am.

0:23:570:24:00

It's nothing to be proud of

0:24:000:24:02

and I'd rather leave it in the past, where it belongs.

0:24:020:24:04

-And maybe you should as well.

-Oh, I should be ashamed of mysel'?

0:24:040:24:08

-I didnae say that.

-Aye, you did.

0:24:080:24:10

-No, look, Jackie, I didnae say that.

-Don't Jackie me.

0:24:100:24:12

My name's no' Jackie. It's Jacqueline. All right?

0:24:120:24:14

All right, Jackie...Jacqueline.

0:24:150:24:17

Look, there's other folk waiting so...

0:24:170:24:19

I mean, I don't want to talk aboot my past.

0:24:190:24:21

I'm just here to sign the CD.

0:24:210:24:22

Oh, get me to fuck, eh, Marti?

0:24:220:24:24

Your other wee fans haven't got a clue aboot you

0:24:240:24:26

and I'm the only dafty that gets you and you're chucking me oot?

0:24:260:24:28

Aye well, Marti, you can run away fae your past

0:24:280:24:31

but you cannae run away fae me.

0:24:310:24:32

I'm here to remind everybody!

0:24:320:24:33

You were a junkie!

0:24:330:24:35

A junkie! A junkie! A junkie!

0:24:350:24:37

I know you better than anybody, Marti.

0:24:370:24:39

He was a junkie!

0:24:390:24:40

'I got up the road, stuck his poxy, daft wee CD on,

0:24:430:24:45

'couldnae listen tae it for any more than a minute.

0:24:450:24:48

'His voice is fuck all what it used to be.

0:24:480:24:50

'Cos you know what?

0:24:500:24:51

'He's better aff on the smack.'

0:24:510:24:53

Oh, sorry.

0:25:000:25:01

HE LAUGHS

0:25:010:25:04

This really is as annoying as it gets, eh?

0:25:040:25:06

Well, how aboot this one last thing?

0:25:060:25:09

THEY LAUGH AND BURP

0:25:090:25:13

Imagine something like this, eh?

0:25:130:25:15

True story.

0:25:170:25:19

Margaret.

0:25:210:25:23

You enjoy that, aye? You enjoy that?

0:25:230:25:24

That's your nephew! MUSIC AND CHEERING STOPS

0:25:240:25:27

That's your nephew, Margaret.

0:25:270:25:29

Aye, call me a cow?

0:25:290:25:31

What? What are you going to dae aboot it?

0:25:440:25:46

It's just a dummy. It's no' real.

0:25:520:25:54

Deal with it.

0:26:020:26:03

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

0:26:070:26:10

Here, any of yous want a game of I Spy?

0:26:120:26:14

Nah, mate.

0:26:170:26:18

Nah, it's cool. I'll play mysel'...play mysel'.

0:26:180:26:21

Right, eh...

0:26:210:26:22

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...

0:26:230:26:27

wallpaper.

0:26:270:26:28

# A church house ginhouse

0:26:530:26:55

# A schoolhouse outhouse

0:26:570:26:58

# On highway number 19

0:27:000:27:03

# The people keep the city clean

0:27:030:27:05

# They call it Nutbush

0:27:060:27:07

# Oh, Nutbush

0:27:090:27:10

# Call it Nutbush city limits

0:27:120:27:14

# 25 was the speed limit

0:27:180:27:20

# Motorcycle not allowed in it

0:27:220:27:23

# You go to store on Fridays

0:27:250:27:26

# You go to church on Sundays

0:27:280:27:30

# They call it Nutbush, a little old town

0:27:310:27:33

# Oh, Nutbush

0:27:330:27:35

# They call it Nutbush city limits. #

0:27:370:27:39

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.

0:27:430:27:46

I hope you've enjoyed it, catch you later.

0:27:460:27:48

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:040:28:06

Compilation of sketches from the BAFTA-award winning comedy series starring writer-performer-director Brian Limond aka Limmy.

Limmy's Show has run for three series on BBC2 Scotland and introduced such legendary recurring characters as hard-bitten frequently-paranoid ex-junkie Jacqueline McCafferty, adventure game TV phone-in host Falconhoof, deep-thinker and zoned-out waster Dee Dee and showbiz psychic who specialises in bad news Raymond Day.


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