Best of Limmy's Show Limmy's Show

XYLOPHONE PLAYS DOWN SCALE

This programme contains strong language.

XYLOPHONE PLAYS DOWN SCALE

XYLOPHONE PLAYS DOWN SCALE

HE LAUGHS Welcome to Limmy's Show.

MUSIC: "Oxygene (Part IV)" by Jean Michelle Jarre

You're watching Adventure Call.

My name is Falconhoof and I will be your guide on your quest.

Greetings, Line 3, what is your name, traveller?

'All right, Falconhoof, my name's Robbie.'

Greetings, Robbie, and are you ready to begin your quest?

'Aye.'

Very well, let us begin.

Wait for me!

Ah, Jingle, will you be joining us?

Yes, Falconhoof, no adventure is complete

without jingle hat and jingle feet.

Then I better introduce you.

Travellers, meet Jingle, the jester.

Greetings, travellers. I am Jingle.

Quick of wit, I'm fast and nimble.

Many jokes and many quips have passed between my funny lips.

By poking fun and making merry, our journeys won't be half as scary.

So don't be timid, don't be nervous, Jingle's 'ere, at your service.

'Kill jester.'

OK, let us begin our quest.

You are standing outside Castle Voldesade.

It is surrounded by a moat.

The drawbridge is up.

To your right is a small tree.

I have heard to make the bridge go down, there is a lever, look around!

What would you like to do?

'Kill jester.'

Jingle is our friend, she is here to help us.

-'So, she'll be here for the whole quest, aye?'

-Yes.

'To gi' us advice and tell jokes an' that?'

Yes.

-'For the whole quest?'

-Yes.

'Kill jester.'

But if you kill Jingle, you won't be able to...

'It's my money. It's my game. Kill her.'

-But...

-'Dae it.'

Jingle is dead.

Game over.

There is now no way to...

'Well worth it, mate, well worth it.

'Get rid of her, she's shite.'

HE HANGS UP THE PHONE

Let's take another call.

MUSIC: "Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom" by Vengaboys.

DRAMATIC MUSIC STARTS

DRAMATIC MUSIC STOPS

DRAMATIC MUSIC STARTS

HEAVY PANTING

DRAMATIC MUSIC STOPS

DRAMATIC MUSIC STARTS

HE SCREAMS

CHEERING

'Fucking...up all night,

'watching the telly.

'Usual.

'Sun comes up, so it's time to get the heid doon.

'Just ready to crash oot when Jeremy Kyle comes on.

'Looked like a good one so I sets it to tape.

'And oots I go like a light.'

'So it gets to midnight

'and I wake up pure chokin' for a joint,

'pure looking forward to my Jeremy Kyle.

'Goes to stick it on.'

-Do you know what we're going to do today?

-Fuck's this?

'Went and recorded the wrang channel.

'Ended up recording some weans' programme.

'Bird was like that,

"We're going to make a spaceship fae cardboard boxes

"and fly to the moon."

'I was like that,' aye, right.

'But then I starts getting tuned into it.

'Starts getting ideas.

'And a wee voice in my heid says,' "Dee Dee, we're daeing this.

"We're going to the moon."

"We're going to the moon...

"the night."

'So I pauses it.'

'And I batters oot.

'And I raids the bin shelters for cardboard boxes.

'Managed to get a belter o' a box,

'the kind of cardboard box you could build a real spaceship fae,

'never mind a pretend one made oot of cardboard box.'

'Anyway, I gets back to Cape Canaveral

'and we're ready for launch.

'But no' before I've had some rocket fuel.

'A banana skin, triple-tardis bucket, upside doon on my couch.

'Nae need for a spaceship,

'I was already on Pluto.'

'But I gets in anyway, as captain of the Starship Dee Dee...

'..fucked oot my nut.

'Pressed play on the remote and the bird was like that,

"Right - three...

"two...

"one...

"liftoff."

'I was like that,' Here!

'Bird was like that, "Look below, at all the people. They're tiny."

'And they were.'

I've lost the plot, man.

'Then she's like that, "Look oot, Martians!"

'Pair o' us trying to shoot these daft wee Martians

'but I was no use tae man nor beast in my state.

'Then she goes, "We're nearly there.

"We just need to get through the asteroid belt."

'I was like that, "You're joking."

'If I thought it was going to be this much hassle going to the moon

'I would have just stayed on Pluto.

'But then she goes, "We've made it!"

'Looks aroon' and there it was...

'..the moon.

'I gets oot, starts walking aboot like an astronaut...

'..played a bit of golf...

'..took big jumps that went on for ever.'

'Bird was like that, "Right, let's go back home now."

'I was like that, "Yous go ahead,"

'and I switched the thing aff.

'And I went travelling the galaxy mysel',

'taking in the sights,

'investigating new civilisations...'

Who's he? '..and new technologies.'

'I even bumped into this guy fae Neptune

'but I wisnae fighting with him.

'We were organising stuff,

'treaties and that.

'And he told me that the woman on the telly got it wrang

'cos the Martians are dafties and aren't even in space yet.'

I thought she was making that up.

'Anyway, I saw the sun rise again so I bid him farewell.'

See you later, right?

'I set the controls for Earth

'and I put mysel' into suspended animation.'

'And when I woke up, I was back.

'Home sweet home,

'back on terra firma...

'..till next time.'

Here, how annoying is this?

VERY QUIET CHATTER

No' annoying at all, eh?

How aboot if I play this...

MUSIC STARTS

..and I start daeing this?

And look like this.

This is pretty annoying, isn't it? The hat, the top, the whole thing.

Aye, this is pretty annoying.

How aboot if I start daeing this?

And this.

And occasionally dae this.

And just to top it all aff, I dae this.

HE LAUGHS

That's pretty annoying, isn't it?

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

Any of yous into Westlife?

Westlife? Nah.

Naw, I know, I used to think they were pish an' all

but I got dragged along to one of their...

one of their concerts one night.

I was all the way down the front row, next to the speakers.

Honestly, man, see the base that came oot the speakers

when they played Uptown Girl, I was like that...

"I get it now, man.

"I get it, now."

Good, by the way. Aye.

Some banter on them an' all, mate.

I'm going to say something to you right now

that I've never said to another living soul in my life.

HE MAKES NONSENSICAL NOISES

All right, mate?

All right?

You lost?

Lost? No, mate, cheers.

It's just you don't look like you're fae roon' here, you know?

I'm no', just passing through.

-What's that in your bag? Is that a laptop? Aye?

-Aye.

I wish I had a laptop, man.

Ah, you're no' missing much.

You can dae half the stuff on the phone nowadays, can't you?

You wouldnae miss it then, eh?

I wouldnae say that. I've got quite...

Gi's your fucking laptop.

-Don't, mate.

-I'm no' your mate.

Gi's your laptop.

I'll tell you what...

How aboot I gi' you something more valuable than the laptop?

Like what?

My time.

I don't want your time.

I want your laptop!

And I'll have your phone an' all.

I know you're hurting.

What?

I know you're hurting.

Don't try tae work me oot.

Am I wrang?

You've got to be hurting to dae what you're daeing - robbing people.

Robbing them of stuff that's important to them,

knowing how much that'll hurt them but no' caring.

I think the only way you can live with that

is because people have hurt you.

That they didnae care so why should you, eh?

Well I care, mate.

All right? Take the laptop.

Take the phone an' all, I can always replace them. But talk tae us!

Tell me how you got into this mess.

You never know,

might just help you oot o' it.

All right.

What have I got to lose?

It was aboot five year' ago,

I had this big falloot with my stepda'.

Like,

getting this couch he got aff his brother.

Carrying it alang and gets a bit knackered, you know,

like, "We'll stop for a wee break."

So, we were sitting doon

and we're chatting away,

getting on brand-new.

Then after aboot three or four minutes...

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Margaret!

Margaret, get him to come o'er to you!

Get him to come o'er to you.

Pull it oot, Margaret.

Pull it oot.

Yeah!!

HE SCREAMS

# Come on, let's work

# Let's work this to the bone

# Come on, let's work

# Let's work it to the bone

# Come on, let's work

# Come on, let's work

# Come on, let's work

# Come on, let's work

# That's the way it oughtta be. # MUSIC STOPS

Margaret!

Margaret, put it in your mooth.

Put it in your mooth!

In, in, in, in, in, in, in, in!

Yeah!!

'And, if you've been affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's programme,

'you can call the number the bottom of your screen.'

-'Hello.'

-Hello, is this the number to phone if I've been affected by any of the issues in...?

'Yes, it is.'

Right...

Well, I've been affected by some of the issues in tonight's programme.

-'Oh, sorry to hear that, sweetheart.'

-Yeah.

'OK, thanks for calling.

'Bye for now.'

All right. Bye. PHONE CALL IS ENDED

HE WHISTLES

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello, my name's Raymond Day and welcome to Paraside.

OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.

OK, can someone understand, please?

I have here a lady, a lady who quite recently passed to spirit.

An elderly lady who, during her time this side of life,

used to keep quite a lot of flowers around her home.

I mean, a lot of flowers. This was like a greenhouse, almost!

-You understand this?

-Aye.

OK, because she's telling me that she used to love

all the plants you would bring over but, oh, she hated those daffodils!

You see? She's showing me, like, her grave

and someone's put daffodils there and she's like,

-"Oh, get them away from me."

-That'll be Steve.

-Aye.

-All right, OK.

She's now showing me, or doing this kind of action.

A kind of shushing away action.

Like she's shushing away, like, a mouse or a rat or...

Did she ever had any phobias at all?

She was quite agoraphobic.

She couldnae go oot much.

No, no, this is like a phobia of some kind of...

like a creepy crawly of some kind.

She didnae like daddy-longlegs'.

She was petrified of them.

I see...daddy-longlegs.

Bit of a scaredy-cat, your mum, wasn't she?

Aye!

I'm only kidding.

She sounds lovely, your mum.

But I'm starting to realise why, now, that she's daeing this

shushing away action.

It's not really a memory from this side of life.

But rather something she's experiencing, at this very moment,

on spirit side.

And the only explanation for that is...

and there's no nice way to put this...

..she's doonstairs.

They've put her doonstairs.

She didnae make it.

She cannae be.

She never had a bad bone in her.

Well, they don't stick them down there for nothing, pal!

LAUGHTER

No, she is doonstairs

because these creepy crawlies you said she's afraid of,

what are they called?

-Daddy-longlegs.

-Daddy-longlegs.

She's covered in them.

Because when I first saw her,

I thought she was wearing a sheet, like a ghost, you know, to give me a wee fright.

But no, it's because she's covered top to toe with these things.

And they're biting her.

They're really biting her.

And these are wounds that will never heal

because she is doonstairs.

And, what was that other thing you said she was scared of?

-You said she was scared to go somewhere?

-She was agoraphobic.

-She was scared to go oot.

-Scared to go out?

They're making her go out...

..looking like that.

So that's her punishment...

..for ever.

OK, I'll leave the love with you.

OK, thank you.

HE LAUGHS

Cannae get much more annoying than this, eh?

How aboot this?

Oh, sorry, mate.

HE LAUGHS

Or this?

HE BURPS

HE BURPS AGAIN

Or this?

HE BURPS THEN LAUGHS

Oh, sorry, mate.

It's aboot as annoying as it gets.

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

Dae any o' yous watch Coronation Street?

What?

Do you watch Coronation Street?

Aye, sometimes.

It's getting brilliant right now, isn't it?

I don't know, I don't know, mate. I don't watch it enough.

Aye, it's getting pretty good right now.

There's that storyline with what's-his-name...

..what's-his-name...

Here, any of yous watch Coronation Street?

-She's turned the weans against us.

-Shh, here he comes.

She's turned the weans against us.

She's turned the weans against us.

She's turned the weans against us.

She turn the weans against you, mate, aye?

Aye, she's turned the weans against us.

If you are a cat owner, you might sometimes wonder,

dae you own the cat or does the cat own you?

It's you that owns the cat, you daft bastard.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, reception.

Cathy, I will be flying down to the shareholders' meeting tomorrow

so could you ensure that you book me a taxi for the airport, please.

-No problem.

-Thank you.

SPEECH INAUDIBLE

OK.

OK, this is it. You knew this was coming.

Just get your act together, here they come. Um...

Hi, officer, how can I help you?

"Um, Mr Mulvaney, yesterday, were you in the vicinity of..."

Yesterday, yes, I believe I was travelling through

that area on my way to a business meeting.

Why, what is it that's happened?

"Well, Mr Mulvaney,

"an incident occurred whereby... such and such."

I see. Well...

like I said, I only passed through that area.

Sorry I can't help you. I didn't see anything. I hope you catch the guy.

"Well, Mr Mulvaney, the witness has came forward

"and identified you as a..."

I beg your pardon?

You think I did this?

You're accusing...you're accusing me?

Of being a shoplifter?!

This is ludicrous.

What exactly...what exactly is it I'm supposed to have...uh...

pinched?

A Kinder Surprise?

Cathy, what the hell is a...

You're accusing me of stealing a chocolate egg with a toy inside?

OK, I don't know who... Name and number, officer. Both of you!

Cathy, take note of this. Name and number.

How dare you come into my office and accuse...?

PHONE RINGS

-Cathy.

-'Hi.

'That's your taxi booked for 9am tomorrow morning.'

Thank you.

Cathy, did I just see a couple of police come in here, earlier?

'Yes, you did.

'They were asking Mr Cruickshanks to turn off his car alarm.'

OK, I see. Thank you.

This stops now.

'My name's Jacqueline McCafferty.

'I lost three year' of my life on heroin

'and another five year' on a methadone programme

'that was meant to get us aff it.

'So when I found oot that Marti Pellow was going to be signing copies of his new solo album,

'I was there in a heartbeat.'

CHEERING

Marti! Marti!

'Cos Marti Pellow's my hero.

'When I was going through recovery, he was my inspiration.

'I knew that if he could get through it, I could get through it.'

I fuckin' love you, man.

All right.

All right, Marti?

My name's Jacqueline McCafferty.

You've got nae idea how much of an inspiration you are to me, mate.

It must be amazing being such an inspiration to so many people,

so many junkies all round the world.

Cos we've been to hell and back.

Naebody knows you like I know you. You know what I mean?

I lost three year' of my life to heroin.

-And another five year' to meth...

-Aye.

It's a... it's a time I want to forget, Jackie.

So, what dae you want me to write in the album?

Aye, going to put, "To Jacqueline, we got through it the-gether."

Nae bother.

Don't worry. I'm no' going to go and tell the papers we were shagging or anything like that.

I just mean that you were a junkie an' all.

We got to the other side the-gether, know what I mean?

So what were you daeing anyway? The papers didnae say.

Were you tooting it or was it the whole thing?

Were you jagging or...

Look, I don't want to talk aboot it, Jackie.

How no'? What, are you ashamed of it? I'm no'.

Well, to be honest, aye, I am.

It's nothing to be proud of

and I'd rather leave it in the past, where it belongs.

-And maybe you should as well.

-Oh, I should be ashamed of mysel'?

-I didnae say that.

-Aye, you did.

-No, look, Jackie, I didnae say that.

-Don't Jackie me.

My name's no' Jackie. It's Jacqueline. All right?

All right, Jackie...Jacqueline.

Look, there's other folk waiting so...

I mean, I don't want to talk aboot my past.

I'm just here to sign the CD.

Oh, get me to fuck, eh, Marti?

Your other wee fans haven't got a clue aboot you

and I'm the only dafty that gets you and you're chucking me oot?

Aye well, Marti, you can run away fae your past

but you cannae run away fae me.

I'm here to remind everybody!

You were a junkie!

A junkie! A junkie! A junkie!

I know you better than anybody, Marti.

He was a junkie!

'I got up the road, stuck his poxy, daft wee CD on,

'couldnae listen tae it for any more than a minute.

'His voice is fuck all what it used to be.

'Cos you know what?

'He's better aff on the smack.'

Oh, sorry.

HE LAUGHS

This really is as annoying as it gets, eh?

Well, how aboot this one last thing?

THEY LAUGH AND BURP

Imagine something like this, eh?

True story.

Margaret.

You enjoy that, aye? You enjoy that?

That's your nephew! MUSIC AND CHEERING STOPS

That's your nephew, Margaret.

Aye, call me a cow?

What? What are you going to dae aboot it?

It's just a dummy. It's no' real.

Deal with it.

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

Here, any of yous want a game of I Spy?

Nah, mate.

Nah, it's cool. I'll play mysel'...play mysel'.

Right, eh...

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...

wallpaper.

# A church house ginhouse

# A schoolhouse outhouse

# On highway number 19

# The people keep the city clean

# They call it Nutbush

# Oh, Nutbush

# Call it Nutbush city limits

# 25 was the speed limit

# Motorcycle not allowed in it

# You go to store on Fridays

# You go to church on Sundays

# They call it Nutbush, a little old town

# Oh, Nutbush

# They call it Nutbush city limits. #

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.

I hope you've enjoyed it, catch you later.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd