Limmy's Show Christmas Special! Limmy's Show


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Limmy's Show Christmas Special!

In this seasonal special, Limmy disposes of an unwanted party guest, Jacqueline McCafferty hits the toy shop, Dee Dee receives a warning and Falconhoof encounters a caller in need.


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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

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Welcome to the party, to friends and family and welcome to the odd person

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that's maybe having too much of a good time.

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That's a shame, especially after the year he's had.

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Welcome to Christmas. Welcome to Hogmanay.

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Welcome to putting on three stone in two weeks.

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-Ladies and gentlemen, welcome...

-Oh, risky. Risky.

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What?

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No, it's just, it's just good to hear you calling it Christmas

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cos, you know, you can't call it Christmas any more.

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Got to call it Winterfest.

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Winterfest, you know, in case you offend, the, eh...you know?

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Not that I, not that I've got anything against them, you know.

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They don't get offended. I spoke to one. I asked him, you know.

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Here, yous are all looking at me as if I'm a...

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I'm no a... Would I have spoken to one if I was?

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It's your, it's just your PC correctness gone mad, isn't it?

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Och, I don't know.

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome...

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Excuse me. Is this Craig's house?

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-You what?

-Is this Craig's house?

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-No.

-I told you!

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-Right. Come on you, move!

-Och, shut up.

-You shut up!

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-You shut up!

-You shut up!

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Limmy's Show Christmas Special.

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DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

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Welcome back to our Christmas edition of Adventure Call.

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My name is Falconhoof and I will be your guide on your quest.

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Tonight, many have come to vanquish Voldesade

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in the hope of claiming the reward of £5,000, but, alas,

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they have left empty-handed.

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However, we have time for just one more caller. Will you be our hero?

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Greetings, line one. What is your name, traveller?

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You, you're joking, is it me?

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I can't believe it.

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Indeed, it is you. What is your name, traveller?

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It's James. See, I can't believe it, hen, I'm on.

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It's all down to you, James. You are our only hope.

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-Defeat Voldesade, and you will win the £5,000.

-Oh, I hope so, mate.

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Oh, you have got no idea how much I could do with that money.

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You know how it is this time of year,

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you just want to put a smile on your weans' faces, you know what I mean?

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I understand.

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I've spent a fortune trying to get through, you know. I just hope...

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I could just really do with that money. Sorry.

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Please do not apologise. I wish you the best of luck tonight

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and, if I may say, you deserve it, mate - traveller.

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We at Adventure Call have been very fortunate

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to receive many calls over the year and I feel we owe something back.

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I feel it's only right that I do everything I can

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to guide you tonight to put some Christmas cheer back in...

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Get on with it, please.

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-OK. Are you ready to begin your quest?

-Oh, aye. Aye.

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-Very well. Good luck, my friend.

-Cheers.

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You awake in Voldesade's labyrinth.

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There are paths to your north, south, east and west.

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What would you like to do?

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Eh, go north.

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I would advise you to head east, traveller.

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-Oh, oh, right, right. East, then.

-You go east.

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-You arrive...

-You're not allowed to help them, idiot.

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James, I'm afraid that, despite it being Christmas,

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-I cannot give you any assistance.

-No bother, mate.

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Very well. So, you arrive in the castle tower.

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There are stairs leading up and stairs leading down.

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-What would you like to do?

-Eh, go down.

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Go down.

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Sorry, traveller, I didn't quite catch that.

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-Go dow... Oh, aye, go up.

-You go up.

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This better be the last time you help the caller.

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It's your last warning.

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James, I'm afraid I really cannot give you any more help,

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despite it being Christmas, so please be careful.

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I understand, mate. Don't worry about it.

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I'll be fine. I'll be fine.

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I hope so. The stairs lead up to the castle parapet.

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There is a locked door.

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Next to the door is a sleeping goblin.

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Hanging from his belt is a sword and a set of keys.

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-What would you like to do?

-Punch goblin.

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-You want to punch the goblin?

-Aye.

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-The very big goblin, the one with the sword?

-Erm...

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The sleeping goblin with the keys, next to the locked door?

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Ah, I get you. I get you.

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-Eh, take keys from goblin and open the door.

-Very good.

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-You open...

-If you help the caller one more time

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this is going to come straight out your pocket.

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Yes, but it's Christmas.

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Sorry, traveller.

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Och, here...

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Traveller, I have been informed by our elves

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that if I assist you any further in getting the £5,000 treasure,

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it will come straight out of my pocket.

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Oh, right. Just leave it then. Just leave it, mate.

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No, James. No. I said I would help you and I will.

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It's Christmas. Now, would you like to go through the door?

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-Aye, but...

-You go through the door.

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-Would you like to turn the gargoyle's head?

-The what?

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The secret wall slides open and leads you to Voldesade.

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-Would you like to fight him?

-I think so, aye.

-No need.

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He takes one look at you and drops dead from fright.

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-James.

-Aye?

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-You have won!

-You're joking! You're joking!

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You've won, you've won, you've won!

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Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Thanks, Falconhoof. Thanks.

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Merry Christmas, James. The £5,000 is yours.

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Stay on the line and one of our elves will take your details.

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So, how are you going to spend the money?

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You'll finally be able to give your family the Christmas they deserve.

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Oh, I don't know, mate. I don't know.

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See, I've just bought my son an Audi TT,

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-so maybe I'll be able to get him alloys as well, you know.

-What?

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I said I'll maybe afford to get him the alloys now, you know,

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the fancy wheels. Four grand just for wheels,

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what a show off, that boy.

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-But I thought you needed the money.

-Oh, I do, mate.

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We're all off to Florida on Monday, second time this year, you know.

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-But money doesn't grow on trees, you know what I mean?

-Florida?

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Oh, amazing place. You been?

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You been tae Florida, mate? Oh, suit yourself.

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CALLER LAUGHS

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-Good night, everyone.

-I won!

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Are these the trainers? Did you get the trainers?

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Did you get Adidas? Are they Adidas?

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Maybe Santa got you them. You'll have to look and see.

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No, these have got four stripes. They've got to have three.

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-Adidas have got three.

-Aye, these are better. They've got four.

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-Ungrateful wee bastard.

-They're all going to laugh at me.

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Well, just you laugh right back

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cos they've only got three stripes, and you've got four.

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They're all going to laugh at me!

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That's it, they're going to the dump. They're all going to the dump!

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-You're a bastard of a boy. A bastard of a boy.

-No, no, no!

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Argh!

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No. You see, the thing with Joanie is...

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-Are you pals with Joanie?

-Limmy, look.

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Ho-ho-ho!

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-Who is this guy? Is he with any of you? ALL:

-No.

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Were you trying to knock something, mate?

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-Did you think we'd all be out, aye?

-What's he wearing?

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Don't know. Looks like one of the prison jumpsuits, doesn't it?

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-He's escaped.

-Check this.

-Sweeties?

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-It's for the children.

-Sweeties for the weans?

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What, are you looking for weans

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before you get stuck back in the jail, you dirty bastard?

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No! No!

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DRAIN GURGLES

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Aye, so the thing with Joanie is... Are you pals with Joanie?

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'Fucking...Christmas Eve.

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'I was watching...fuck knows.

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'Phone goes.' PHONE RINGS

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-Who's this?

-All right, Dee Dee, it's Freddie, your nephew Freddie.

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All right, Freddie? Long time, no hear. What's happened?

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Nothing's happened.

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Well, I got married, actually, and we're having

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-a wee housewarming/Christmas dinner tomorrow, that type of thing.

-Aye.

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So I phoned your dad, he's coming,

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but he said good luck in trying to get you to come,

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-said you like just keeping yourself to yourself and that.

-Aye.

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But, honestly, it's not a big do, just friends and family.

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-It'd be good for everybody to see each other again.

-Aye.

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-So you into it?

-No.

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All right. But at least think about it,

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and I'll give you a phone in the morning, all right?

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-All right, I'll think about it.

-Cool. Speak to you later.

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'So, I thought about it and I thought...'

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Nah.

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'And I conked out.

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'Then about an hour later, I gets woke up...'

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-MYSTERIOUS VOICE:

-Dee Deeeee.

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'..by this mad voice...'

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Dee Deeeeeeeeee.

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'..going like that...'

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Dee Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

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What?

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'It was my old mate Jake.'

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You're dead.

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'And he starts telling us that if I don't change my ways and that,

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'I'll end up like him, chained to a couch for ever.'

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Looks fucking magic.

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'But he said it wasn't magic,

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'and these other folk would be along to try and talk some sense into us,

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'then he buggered off.

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'I just put the whole experience down to a flashback or something,

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'or an undigested eccie that's been sitting in my gut

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'since 19 canteen, ready to pounce.

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'I just laughed it off,

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'until...'

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What the fuck's going on?

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I am the ghost of Christmas past.

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'And this lassie starts showing us when it all went tits up for us.'

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Here...

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'About 20 year ago, when my old bird Leanne got us

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'this game for the Mega Drive.

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'It was like Candy Crush, couldn't get off the fucking thing...'

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Bastard!

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'..so she left us.

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'Said I was more interested in getting to level 100

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'than 'I was in her.'

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So sad.

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'And it was sad, but I did it.

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'Ended up getting to level 206.

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'Had to hold in a pish for about 24 hours to do it, but I did it.'

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That was out of order.

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'And that was that, until...

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'And this guy goes...'

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I am the ghost of Christmas present.

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'And he starts showing us about this Christmas Eve party,

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'telling me that this is what I'm missing out on,

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'everybody having a pure laugh and getting wrecked. Looked not bad.'

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I mean, he's been on the bench for the entire season.

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All right, I know that's a wee bit of an exaggeration,

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but pretty much the whole season.

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-What was the point in us signing him if we're not going to play him?

-Right.

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So I was looking at sticking him in that school

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when he leaves the nursery cos that's the feeder school

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for the secondary school. One of the mums at nursery told me that, no,

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if you want to get in there you need to be in the right catchment area.

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'Brain damage. Then I spots my nephew Freddie.'

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The thing is, what's the point in signing him if you're not going to play him?

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'Lot of shite.

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'And that was that, thank fuck, until...

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'..the last one, the ghost of Christmas...from the Future.

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'Shows me my gravestone and it was all mocket and minging,

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'cos the way I'm going, nobody will give a fuck.

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'And I just said...'

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Good.

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'Cos I don't want tonnes of pals all missing me

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'and all greeting their eyes out.

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'I don't want folk trooping up here

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'to clean my gravestone in the freezing cold

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'when there could be something good on the telly.

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'I like things just the way they are.

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'And I was about to tell the ghost

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'how much I appreciated all the effort they put in to try

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'and change my mind, but he didn't want to hear it.

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'And that really was that.

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'I felt pure bad for wasting all their time, but I was happy.

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'Then I thought about it.

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'Dee Dee, maybe you should just go to the party.

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'Freddie's right, it would be good to see everybody again.

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'You don't have to talk about football or weans,

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'just get half-cut and have a laugh.

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'You might even bump into Leanne.

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'It'd be good just to even be pals again.

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'Who knows where this mad journey will take you?'

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You're on.

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Here, wee man, you there. What day is it the day?

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Boxing Day.

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Ha!

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No. That's a shame, come on.

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Especially after the year he's had.

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No. That's a shame.

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Is this it? Is this the bike? Is this the one I wanted?

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Well, you never know. You better open it.

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This is it! This is the one I wanted.

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This is the same one as David Kinaird's.

0:13:530:13:55

Dad, this is same one Davie Kinaird's got.

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That is Davie Kinaird's.

0:13:570:13:58

-What?

-Well, his mum was chucking it out because he's getting a new one.

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-No!

-Ungrateful wee bastard.

0:14:040:14:06

-Waste not, want not.

-No!

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That's it, it's going to the dump. They're all going to the dump!

0:14:080:14:11

-No!

-You're a bastard of a boy! A bastard of a boy!

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No! No!

0:14:140:14:17

Aargh!

0:14:190:14:22

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

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I know. I know.

0:14:420:14:44

Lot of shite, isn't it?

0:14:440:14:46

Are you one of they people that hate this time of year?

0:14:470:14:50

Same here. Don't tell anybody, but same here.

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It's the whole "on this date, you must have a good time" thing.

0:14:550:14:59

"On the 25th and the 31st of December,

0:14:590:15:02

"you fucking better have a good time".

0:15:020:15:04

That's like me picking a random date in the calendar,

0:15:040:15:07

just shutting my eyes and going...9th of April,

0:15:070:15:10

and then going...

0:15:100:15:12

Here. 9th of April, are you looking forward to it?

0:15:120:15:15

Not long now, eh?

0:15:150:15:16

Do you know what I mean?

0:15:170:15:18

What's so special about this time of year anyway?

0:15:180:15:21

Imagine if every year on the 9th of April,

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you were forced to go on a night out.

0:15:230:15:25

It costs you a tenner just to step foot into a pub,

0:15:250:15:28

takes you about three hours to get served,

0:15:280:15:30

and as for getting a taxi up the road...

0:15:300:15:32

HE SCOFFS

0:15:320:15:33

..you'd be quicker walking it, mate.

0:15:330:15:35

But on a serious note, the worst thing about this time of year is,

0:15:350:15:38

it's supposed to be the best time.

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And if you're not having a good time at the best time of year,

0:15:410:15:44

well, it just makes you feel worse.

0:15:440:15:46

Like Valentine's Day when you're single, or...I don't know.

0:15:460:15:51

I just thought I'd take a moment to remind you

0:15:510:15:53

that if you're not having the best day,

0:15:530:15:55

whether it's Christmas or Hogmanay, don't worry.

0:15:550:15:58

There's plenty more days around the corner, 365, to be precise.

0:15:590:16:03

I'm sure your best day's in there somewhere.

0:16:030:16:06

-Who's that you were talking to?

-A dour-faced bastard.

0:16:100:16:14

'A wonderful time of year for weans.

0:16:170:16:21

'They want you to get them this, they want you to get them that.

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'You want to get them the best.

0:16:240:16:27

'What do you get your wean when you've got fuck all?'

0:16:270:16:30

'Urg!

0:16:320:16:34

'Well, she got everything she wanted, 'but not from me.

0:17:500:17:54

'I look like a right embarrassment.

0:17:540:17:56

'Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

0:17:560:17:59

'Oh, dear.

0:18:000:18:02

'Tried hitting her with my poxy excuses, but she wasn't having it.

0:18:030:18:07

'Cos as it turned out, she wanted something money couldn't buy.

0:18:070:18:11

'She wanted something most folk would turn their nose up at

0:18:120:18:16

'any day of the year, never mind Christmas.

0:18:160:18:18

'And it wasn't to be found in any shop or catalogue, or under

0:18:180:18:22

'any Christmas tree wrapped up in fancy, show-off wrapping paper.

0:18:220:18:26

'All she wanted was her daft old maw.

0:18:260:18:29

'What can I say?

0:18:310:18:33

'There's no accounting for taste.'

0:18:330:18:36

You know another thing you can't say?

0:18:380:18:40

You can't say "Happy New Year".

0:18:430:18:47

You can't say "Happy New Year" in case it offends them, you know.

0:18:470:18:52

Because it isn't their New Year, you know.

0:18:520:18:56

I'm not talking about them from before.

0:18:560:18:58

I'm talking about that other lot, you know.

0:18:580:19:00

I don't know if that offends them,

0:19:020:19:04

but you're walking on egg shells, aren't you?

0:19:040:19:06

You're walking on egg shells.

0:19:060:19:09

Oh, come on. You are all looking at me as if I'm a...

0:19:090:19:11

Here, it's my favourite type of food.

0:19:110:19:14

Would I eat their food if I was a...?

0:19:160:19:19

Och, I don't know.

0:19:220:19:24

Actually, that prick reminds me, let's sing a song

0:19:260:19:28

to recall some of the things that have happened over the year.

0:19:280:19:31

# Hi...

0:19:330:19:35

# Hi diddily hi di...

0:19:370:19:41

# Hmm Scotland.

0:19:420:19:47

# Oh, ye know...

0:19:500:19:55

PLAYS GOOD KING WENCESLAS BADLY

0:19:550:19:59

# Will ye go, lassie, go?

0:20:000:20:04

'Ein, zwei, drei, vier!'

0:20:060:20:08

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

0:20:080:20:11

APPLAUSE

0:20:140:20:17

What did you get me? The computer? Or the motor?

0:20:220:20:25

-Or the Millennium Falcon?

-You never know, you maybe got all three.

0:20:250:20:28

It doesn't work.

0:20:460:20:47

Oh, forgot to get batteries.

0:20:470:20:49

But I've got...

0:20:490:20:51

Yes!

0:21:000:21:01

-What games did you get me?

-Oh, you never said anything about games.

0:21:030:21:06

But you've got to have games... HE SIGHS

0:21:060:21:11

-Don't forget what else you wanted.

-The Millennium Falcon!

0:21:130:21:16

But it's empty.

0:21:300:21:32

Aye. We're going to wait until the January sales -

0:21:320:21:34

-it'll be half the price.

-No!

0:21:340:21:36

Ungrateful wee bastard.

0:21:360:21:37

-It's only a week away.

-No!

0:21:370:21:39

That's it, they're going to the dump! They're all going to the dump!

0:21:390:21:42

-No!

-You're a bastard of a boy! A bastard of a boy!

0:21:420:21:46

No, no, no!

0:21:460:21:49

Argh!

0:21:510:21:55

TATTOO GUN BUZZES

0:22:060:22:09

-Is that permanent?

-Aye.

0:22:300:22:32

HE LAUGHS

0:22:330:22:35

No, that's a shame.

0:22:350:22:36

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:22:390:22:40

Mr Mulvaney, that's us just about to do the Secret Santa,

0:22:400:22:42

so whenever you're ready.

0:22:420:22:44

Ah, thank you, Sarah. Very exciting. I'll be along in just a moment.

0:22:440:22:47

OK. Let's go over this one more time.

0:22:520:22:54

Er... Secret Santa, everyone. Er, ho-ho-ho.

0:22:550:22:59

Er... Now, as you recall, when you pulled the names out of the hat,

0:22:590:23:02

you were not to reveal the name of the colleague for whom you were

0:23:020:23:05

buying a present, so let's just keep it that way, it's more fun.

0:23:050:23:08

OK, first, we have a present for so and so. Here you go. What is it?

0:23:110:23:16

Oh, ha-ha!

0:23:160:23:17

Next, we have a present for such and such.

0:23:170:23:20

What is it? Oh, ha-ha-ha!

0:23:200:23:22

Look at that. Very amusing.

0:23:220:23:25

And next, we have a present for Agnes.

0:23:250:23:28

Oh. I wonder who could have got you that.

0:23:280:23:30

No-one knows. It's a mystery.

0:23:300:23:32

Agnes...why are you so upset?

0:23:340:23:37

Can someone tell me what it is? It's a what?

0:23:370:23:41

That's obscene! Who did this?!

0:23:410:23:42

Agnes, I will personally lead the investigation into...

0:23:420:23:45

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:23:450:23:46

-Sir, that's...

-Ah, yes. I was... OK, I was just...

0:23:460:23:49

Secret Santa, ho-ho-ho.

0:23:550:23:56

Here you are.

0:23:580:23:59

Oh! Haha!

0:24:010:24:02

That's a helicopter.

0:24:020:24:05

This one is for.... There you are.

0:24:050:24:08

Oh! Ah, very good, a wig.

0:24:080:24:11

This one is for Agnes.

0:24:130:24:17

I wonder who could have got you that,

0:24:170:24:18

but, of course, no-one knows. It's a mystery.

0:24:180:24:20

This is obscene!

0:24:250:24:27

ALL LAUGH

0:24:270:24:30

It was me! It was me. I did it.

0:24:380:24:41

Aaaaaaaaaaand ten, nine, eight,

0:24:480:24:52

seven, six, five, four, three...

0:24:520:24:56

You know, you can't call it a blackboard any more?

0:24:560:25:00

You can't call it a blackboard.

0:25:000:25:02

Now it's, you've got to call it a chalkboard, you know.

0:25:020:25:06

That's, you know, that's what they're saying

0:25:070:25:09

in the primary schools...the weans.

0:25:090:25:12

I was going to ask my daughter if it was true

0:25:120:25:14

cos my grandson's in the, in the primary but, you know,

0:25:140:25:18

she's not she's not speaking to me any more, you know.

0:25:180:25:21

She says she doesn't want me round the wean any more.

0:25:210:25:24

Says that some of my views aren't in step with the, I don't know.

0:25:240:25:30

Weans, eh?

0:25:320:25:34

You work your fucking life out.

0:25:340:25:37

Mate...

0:25:380:25:39

..fucking out.

0:25:410:25:42

Aaaaand, three, two, one!

0:25:450:25:48

-ALL:

-Yeah.

0:25:480:25:50

-ALL:

-Happy New Year.

0:25:520:25:55

LAUGHTER

0:25:550:25:58

So...

0:26:070:26:08

-It's flew in, hasn't it?

-Yeah.

-Aye.

0:26:080:26:11

Any New Year's resolutions?

0:26:130:26:16

-No.

-No.

-You?

-No.

0:26:160:26:19

When are you all heading back to work?

0:26:210:26:24

And that's that.

0:26:240:26:25

But before you go, I just want to leave you with this final thought.

0:26:250:26:30

Oh, who did that?!

0:26:300:26:32

Who did that?

0:26:320:26:33

LAUGHTER

0:26:330:26:35

No, no, I shouldn't laugh...

0:26:350:26:38

especially after the year he's had, man.

0:26:380:26:41

He's going to be raging.

0:26:410:26:43

It's a terrible time of year, for some.

0:26:470:26:50

A time of extreme pressure.

0:26:500:26:52

If you were under extreme pressure from your work,

0:26:530:26:56

from your family, from the bank, from everywhere,

0:26:560:27:00

what measures would you go to to get rid of the people involved?

0:27:000:27:04

Well, this play asks you to ask yourself...

0:27:050:27:10

"What would you do?"

0:27:120:27:14

Oh, the pressure I'm under from work, from my family, from the bank,

0:27:160:27:22

from everywhere. I don't know what to do.

0:27:220:27:26

Kill them all.

0:27:260:27:28

Who said that?

0:27:280:27:30

It was me. Kill them all, man. They're all arseholes anyway.

0:27:300:27:34

I'm losing my marbles.

0:27:350:27:37

Did that snowman just talk to me there?

0:27:370:27:40

Aye, it was me who talked because I'm evil.

0:27:400:27:44

I'm an evil spirit. I'll help you kill them.

0:27:440:27:47

All you've got to do is take care of me.

0:27:470:27:49

That's mad, a talking snowman.

0:27:500:27:54

No, you're all right.

0:27:540:27:55

Because it doesn't matter how much pressure I'm under,

0:27:550:27:58

I wouldn't lay a finger on anybody,

0:27:580:27:59

never mind kill them, so no thank you.

0:27:590:28:03

And that concludes our play.

0:28:050:28:07

Well, he seemed to know what his decision was,

0:28:070:28:10

but what would you do?

0:28:100:28:12

What would you do?

0:28:180:28:19

# What would you do? What would you do?

0:28:190:28:21

# What would you? What would you do?

0:28:210:28:23

# What would you do? What would you? What would you do?

0:28:230:28:26

# What would you? What would you?

0:28:260:28:27

# What would you do? What would you? What would you?

0:28:270:28:29

# What would you do? What would you?

0:28:290:28:31

# What would you do, you do, you do, you do? #

0:28:310:28:35

-ALL:

-Yeah!

0:28:350:28:39

Woo-hoo!

0:28:460:28:49

Yeah!

0:28:490:28:52

Wahey!

0:28:520:28:55

Yay!

0:29:080:29:10

Festive comedy sketches from BAFTA-winning creator Brian Limond. Join Limmy as he disposes of an unwanted party guest, Jacqueline McCafferty hits the toy shop, Dee Dee receives a warning from an old pal, Mr Mulvaney plays Santa at the office party - and Falconhoof encounters a festive caller in need. A Christmas special like no other!