Limmy's Show Christmas Special! Limmy's Show

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Welcome to the party, to friends and family and welcome to the odd person

that's maybe having too much of a good time.

That's a shame, especially after the year he's had.

Welcome to Christmas. Welcome to Hogmanay.

Welcome to putting on three stone in two weeks.

-Ladies and gentlemen, welcome...

-Oh, risky. Risky.

What?

No, it's just, it's just good to hear you calling it Christmas

cos, you know, you can't call it Christmas any more.

Got to call it Winterfest.

Winterfest, you know, in case you offend, the, eh...you know?

Not that I, not that I've got anything against them, you know.

They don't get offended. I spoke to one. I asked him, you know.

Here, yous are all looking at me as if I'm a...

I'm no a... Would I have spoken to one if I was?

It's your, it's just your PC correctness gone mad, isn't it?

Och, I don't know.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome...

Excuse me. Is this Craig's house?

-You what?

-Is this Craig's house?

-No.

-I told you!

-Right. Come on you, move!

-Och, shut up.

-You shut up!

-You shut up!

-You shut up!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Limmy's Show Christmas Special.

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

Welcome back to our Christmas edition of Adventure Call.

My name is Falconhoof and I will be your guide on your quest.

Tonight, many have come to vanquish Voldesade

in the hope of claiming the reward of £5,000, but, alas,

they have left empty-handed.

However, we have time for just one more caller. Will you be our hero?

Greetings, line one. What is your name, traveller?

You, you're joking, is it me?

I can't believe it.

Indeed, it is you. What is your name, traveller?

It's James. See, I can't believe it, hen, I'm on.

It's all down to you, James. You are our only hope.

-Defeat Voldesade, and you will win the £5,000.

-Oh, I hope so, mate.

Oh, you have got no idea how much I could do with that money.

You know how it is this time of year,

you just want to put a smile on your weans' faces, you know what I mean?

I understand.

I've spent a fortune trying to get through, you know. I just hope...

I could just really do with that money. Sorry.

Please do not apologise. I wish you the best of luck tonight

and, if I may say, you deserve it, mate - traveller.

We at Adventure Call have been very fortunate

to receive many calls over the year and I feel we owe something back.

I feel it's only right that I do everything I can

to guide you tonight to put some Christmas cheer back in...

Get on with it, please.

-OK. Are you ready to begin your quest?

-Oh, aye. Aye.

-Very well. Good luck, my friend.

-Cheers.

You awake in Voldesade's labyrinth.

There are paths to your north, south, east and west.

What would you like to do?

Eh, go north.

I would advise you to head east, traveller.

-Oh, oh, right, right. East, then.

-You go east.

-You arrive...

-You're not allowed to help them, idiot.

James, I'm afraid that, despite it being Christmas,

-I cannot give you any assistance.

-No bother, mate.

Very well. So, you arrive in the castle tower.

There are stairs leading up and stairs leading down.

-What would you like to do?

-Eh, go down.

Go down.

Sorry, traveller, I didn't quite catch that.

-Go dow... Oh, aye, go up.

-You go up.

This better be the last time you help the caller.

It's your last warning.

James, I'm afraid I really cannot give you any more help,

despite it being Christmas, so please be careful.

I understand, mate. Don't worry about it.

I'll be fine. I'll be fine.

I hope so. The stairs lead up to the castle parapet.

There is a locked door.

Next to the door is a sleeping goblin.

Hanging from his belt is a sword and a set of keys.

-What would you like to do?

-Punch goblin.

-You want to punch the goblin?

-Aye.

-The very big goblin, the one with the sword?

-Erm...

The sleeping goblin with the keys, next to the locked door?

Ah, I get you. I get you.

-Eh, take keys from goblin and open the door.

-Very good.

-You open...

-If you help the caller one more time

this is going to come straight out your pocket.

Yes, but it's Christmas.

Sorry, traveller.

Och, here...

Traveller, I have been informed by our elves

that if I assist you any further in getting the £5,000 treasure,

it will come straight out of my pocket.

Oh, right. Just leave it then. Just leave it, mate.

No, James. No. I said I would help you and I will.

It's Christmas. Now, would you like to go through the door?

-Aye, but...

-You go through the door.

-Would you like to turn the gargoyle's head?

-The what?

The secret wall slides open and leads you to Voldesade.

-Would you like to fight him?

-I think so, aye.

-No need.

He takes one look at you and drops dead from fright.

-James.

-Aye?

-You have won!

-You're joking! You're joking!

You've won, you've won, you've won!

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Thanks, Falconhoof. Thanks.

Merry Christmas, James. The £5,000 is yours.

Stay on the line and one of our elves will take your details.

So, how are you going to spend the money?

You'll finally be able to give your family the Christmas they deserve.

Oh, I don't know, mate. I don't know.

See, I've just bought my son an Audi TT,

-so maybe I'll be able to get him alloys as well, you know.

-What?

I said I'll maybe afford to get him the alloys now, you know,

the fancy wheels. Four grand just for wheels,

what a show off, that boy.

-But I thought you needed the money.

-Oh, I do, mate.

We're all off to Florida on Monday, second time this year, you know.

-But money doesn't grow on trees, you know what I mean?

-Florida?

Oh, amazing place. You been?

You been tae Florida, mate? Oh, suit yourself.

CALLER LAUGHS

-Good night, everyone.

-I won!

Are these the trainers? Did you get the trainers?

Did you get Adidas? Are they Adidas?

Maybe Santa got you them. You'll have to look and see.

No, these have got four stripes. They've got to have three.

-Adidas have got three.

-Aye, these are better. They've got four.

-Ungrateful wee bastard.

-They're all going to laugh at me.

Well, just you laugh right back

cos they've only got three stripes, and you've got four.

They're all going to laugh at me!

That's it, they're going to the dump. They're all going to the dump!

-You're a bastard of a boy. A bastard of a boy.

-No, no, no!

Argh!

No. You see, the thing with Joanie is...

-Are you pals with Joanie?

-Limmy, look.

Ho-ho-ho!

-Who is this guy? Is he with any of you? ALL:

-No.

Were you trying to knock something, mate?

-Did you think we'd all be out, aye?

-What's he wearing?

Don't know. Looks like one of the prison jumpsuits, doesn't it?

-He's escaped.

-Check this.

-Sweeties?

-It's for the children.

-Sweeties for the weans?

What, are you looking for weans

before you get stuck back in the jail, you dirty bastard?

No! No!

DRAIN GURGLES

Aye, so the thing with Joanie is... Are you pals with Joanie?

'Fucking...Christmas Eve.

'I was watching...fuck knows.

'Phone goes.' PHONE RINGS

-Who's this?

-All right, Dee Dee, it's Freddie, your nephew Freddie.

All right, Freddie? Long time, no hear. What's happened?

Nothing's happened.

Well, I got married, actually, and we're having

-a wee housewarming/Christmas dinner tomorrow, that type of thing.

-Aye.

So I phoned your dad, he's coming,

but he said good luck in trying to get you to come,

-said you like just keeping yourself to yourself and that.

-Aye.

But, honestly, it's not a big do, just friends and family.

-It'd be good for everybody to see each other again.

-Aye.

-So you into it?

-No.

All right. But at least think about it,

and I'll give you a phone in the morning, all right?

-All right, I'll think about it.

-Cool. Speak to you later.

'So, I thought about it and I thought...'

Nah.

'And I conked out.

'Then about an hour later, I gets woke up...'

-MYSTERIOUS VOICE:

-Dee Deeeee.

'..by this mad voice...'

Dee Deeeeeeeeee.

'..going like that...'

Dee Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

What?

'It was my old mate Jake.'

You're dead.

'And he starts telling us that if I don't change my ways and that,

'I'll end up like him, chained to a couch for ever.'

Looks fucking magic.

'But he said it wasn't magic,

'and these other folk would be along to try and talk some sense into us,

'then he buggered off.

'I just put the whole experience down to a flashback or something,

'or an undigested eccie that's been sitting in my gut

'since 19 canteen, ready to pounce.

'I just laughed it off,

'until...'

What the fuck's going on?

I am the ghost of Christmas past.

'And this lassie starts showing us when it all went tits up for us.'

Here...

'About 20 year ago, when my old bird Leanne got us

'this game for the Mega Drive.

'It was like Candy Crush, couldn't get off the fucking thing...'

Bastard!

'..so she left us.

'Said I was more interested in getting to level 100

'than 'I was in her.'

So sad.

'And it was sad, but I did it.

'Ended up getting to level 206.

'Had to hold in a pish for about 24 hours to do it, but I did it.'

That was out of order.

'And that was that, until...

'And this guy goes...'

I am the ghost of Christmas present.

'And he starts showing us about this Christmas Eve party,

'telling me that this is what I'm missing out on,

'everybody having a pure laugh and getting wrecked. Looked not bad.'

I mean, he's been on the bench for the entire season.

All right, I know that's a wee bit of an exaggeration,

but pretty much the whole season.

-What was the point in us signing him if we're not going to play him?

-Right.

So I was looking at sticking him in that school

when he leaves the nursery cos that's the feeder school

for the secondary school. One of the mums at nursery told me that, no,

if you want to get in there you need to be in the right catchment area.

'Brain damage. Then I spots my nephew Freddie.'

The thing is, what's the point in signing him if you're not going to play him?

'Lot of shite.

'And that was that, thank fuck, until...

'..the last one, the ghost of Christmas...from the Future.

'Shows me my gravestone and it was all mocket and minging,

'cos the way I'm going, nobody will give a fuck.

'And I just said...'

Good.

'Cos I don't want tonnes of pals all missing me

'and all greeting their eyes out.

'I don't want folk trooping up here

'to clean my gravestone in the freezing cold

'when there could be something good on the telly.

'I like things just the way they are.

'And I was about to tell the ghost

'how much I appreciated all the effort they put in to try

'and change my mind, but he didn't want to hear it.

'And that really was that.

'I felt pure bad for wasting all their time, but I was happy.

'Then I thought about it.

'Dee Dee, maybe you should just go to the party.

'Freddie's right, it would be good to see everybody again.

'You don't have to talk about football or weans,

'just get half-cut and have a laugh.

'You might even bump into Leanne.

'It'd be good just to even be pals again.

'Who knows where this mad journey will take you?'

You're on.

Here, wee man, you there. What day is it the day?

Boxing Day.

Ha!

No. That's a shame, come on.

Especially after the year he's had.

No. That's a shame.

Is this it? Is this the bike? Is this the one I wanted?

Well, you never know. You better open it.

This is it! This is the one I wanted.

This is the same one as David Kinaird's.

Dad, this is same one Davie Kinaird's got.

That is Davie Kinaird's.

-What?

-Well, his mum was chucking it out because he's getting a new one.

-No!

-Ungrateful wee bastard.

-Waste not, want not.

-No!

That's it, it's going to the dump. They're all going to the dump!

-No!

-You're a bastard of a boy! A bastard of a boy!

No! No!

Aargh!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

I know. I know.

Lot of shite, isn't it?

Are you one of they people that hate this time of year?

Same here. Don't tell anybody, but same here.

It's the whole "on this date, you must have a good time" thing.

"On the 25th and the 31st of December,

"you fucking better have a good time".

That's like me picking a random date in the calendar,

just shutting my eyes and going...9th of April,

and then going...

Here. 9th of April, are you looking forward to it?

Not long now, eh?

Do you know what I mean?

What's so special about this time of year anyway?

Imagine if every year on the 9th of April,

you were forced to go on a night out.

It costs you a tenner just to step foot into a pub,

takes you about three hours to get served,

and as for getting a taxi up the road...

HE SCOFFS

..you'd be quicker walking it, mate.

But on a serious note, the worst thing about this time of year is,

it's supposed to be the best time.

And if you're not having a good time at the best time of year,

well, it just makes you feel worse.

Like Valentine's Day when you're single, or...I don't know.

I just thought I'd take a moment to remind you

that if you're not having the best day,

whether it's Christmas or Hogmanay, don't worry.

There's plenty more days around the corner, 365, to be precise.

I'm sure your best day's in there somewhere.

-Who's that you were talking to?

-A dour-faced bastard.

'A wonderful time of year for weans.

'They want you to get them this, they want you to get them that.

'You want to get them the best.

'What do you get your wean when you've got fuck all?'

'Urg!

'Well, she got everything she wanted, 'but not from me.

'I look like a right embarrassment.

'Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

'Oh, dear.

'Tried hitting her with my poxy excuses, but she wasn't having it.

'Cos as it turned out, she wanted something money couldn't buy.

'She wanted something most folk would turn their nose up at

'any day of the year, never mind Christmas.

'And it wasn't to be found in any shop or catalogue, or under

'any Christmas tree wrapped up in fancy, show-off wrapping paper.

'All she wanted was her daft old maw.

'What can I say?

'There's no accounting for taste.'

You know another thing you can't say?

You can't say "Happy New Year".

You can't say "Happy New Year" in case it offends them, you know.

Because it isn't their New Year, you know.

I'm not talking about them from before.

I'm talking about that other lot, you know.

I don't know if that offends them,

but you're walking on egg shells, aren't you?

You're walking on egg shells.

Oh, come on. You are all looking at me as if I'm a...

Here, it's my favourite type of food.

Would I eat their food if I was a...?

Och, I don't know.

Actually, that prick reminds me, let's sing a song

to recall some of the things that have happened over the year.

# Hi...

# Hi diddily hi di...

# Hmm Scotland.

# Oh, ye know...

PLAYS GOOD KING WENCESLAS BADLY

# Will ye go, lassie, go?

'Ein, zwei, drei, vier!'

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

What did you get me? The computer? Or the motor?

-Or the Millennium Falcon?

-You never know, you maybe got all three.

It doesn't work.

Oh, forgot to get batteries.

But I've got...

Yes!

-What games did you get me?

-Oh, you never said anything about games.

But you've got to have games... HE SIGHS

-Don't forget what else you wanted.

-The Millennium Falcon!

But it's empty.

Aye. We're going to wait until the January sales -

-it'll be half the price.

-No!

Ungrateful wee bastard.

-It's only a week away.

-No!

That's it, they're going to the dump! They're all going to the dump!

-No!

-You're a bastard of a boy! A bastard of a boy!

No, no, no!

Argh!

TATTOO GUN BUZZES

-Is that permanent?

-Aye.

HE LAUGHS

No, that's a shame.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Mr Mulvaney, that's us just about to do the Secret Santa,

so whenever you're ready.

Ah, thank you, Sarah. Very exciting. I'll be along in just a moment.

OK. Let's go over this one more time.

Er... Secret Santa, everyone. Er, ho-ho-ho.

Er... Now, as you recall, when you pulled the names out of the hat,

you were not to reveal the name of the colleague for whom you were

buying a present, so let's just keep it that way, it's more fun.

OK, first, we have a present for so and so. Here you go. What is it?

Oh, ha-ha!

Next, we have a present for such and such.

What is it? Oh, ha-ha-ha!

Look at that. Very amusing.

And next, we have a present for Agnes.

Oh. I wonder who could have got you that.

No-one knows. It's a mystery.

Agnes...why are you so upset?

Can someone tell me what it is? It's a what?

That's obscene! Who did this?!

Agnes, I will personally lead the investigation into...

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Sir, that's...

-Ah, yes. I was... OK, I was just...

Secret Santa, ho-ho-ho.

Here you are.

Oh! Haha!

That's a helicopter.

This one is for.... There you are.

Oh! Ah, very good, a wig.

This one is for Agnes.

I wonder who could have got you that,

but, of course, no-one knows. It's a mystery.

This is obscene!

ALL LAUGH

It was me! It was me. I did it.

Aaaaaaaaaaand ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five, four, three...

You know, you can't call it a blackboard any more?

You can't call it a blackboard.

Now it's, you've got to call it a chalkboard, you know.

That's, you know, that's what they're saying

in the primary schools...the weans.

I was going to ask my daughter if it was true

cos my grandson's in the, in the primary but, you know,

she's not she's not speaking to me any more, you know.

She says she doesn't want me round the wean any more.

Says that some of my views aren't in step with the, I don't know.

Weans, eh?

You work your fucking life out.

Mate...

..fucking out.

Aaaaand, three, two, one!

-ALL:

-Yeah.

-ALL:

-Happy New Year.

LAUGHTER

So...

-It's flew in, hasn't it?

-Yeah.

-Aye.

Any New Year's resolutions?

-No.

-No.

-You?

-No.

When are you all heading back to work?

And that's that.

But before you go, I just want to leave you with this final thought.

Oh, who did that?!

Who did that?

LAUGHTER

No, no, I shouldn't laugh...

especially after the year he's had, man.

He's going to be raging.

It's a terrible time of year, for some.

A time of extreme pressure.

If you were under extreme pressure from your work,

from your family, from the bank, from everywhere,

what measures would you go to to get rid of the people involved?

Well, this play asks you to ask yourself...

"What would you do?"

Oh, the pressure I'm under from work, from my family, from the bank,

from everywhere. I don't know what to do.

Kill them all.

Who said that?

It was me. Kill them all, man. They're all arseholes anyway.

I'm losing my marbles.

Did that snowman just talk to me there?

Aye, it was me who talked because I'm evil.

I'm an evil spirit. I'll help you kill them.

All you've got to do is take care of me.

That's mad, a talking snowman.

No, you're all right.

Because it doesn't matter how much pressure I'm under,

I wouldn't lay a finger on anybody,

never mind kill them, so no thank you.

And that concludes our play.

Well, he seemed to know what his decision was,

but what would you do?

What would you do?

# What would you do? What would you do?

# What would you? What would you do?

# What would you do? What would you? What would you do?

# What would you? What would you?

# What would you do? What would you? What would you?

# What would you do? What would you?

# What would you do, you do, you do, you do? #

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Woo-hoo!

Yeah!

Wahey!

Yay!