Episode 1 Limmy's Show


Episode 1

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Transcript


LineFromTo

I want to put that on ma heid.

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Know what I want to do? I want to put that on ma heid.

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Don't ask me why.

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Done!

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Ha, ha, ha, welcome to Limmy's Show.

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MUSIC: "Oxygene Pt IV" by Jean-Michel Jarre

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You're watching Adventure Call.

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My name is Falconhoof and I will be your guide on your quest.

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Greetings, line two. What is your name, traveller?

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Hi, Falconhoof, my name's Ewan!

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Greetings, Ewan. Are you ready to begin your quest?

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'Just a moment. Shhh.'

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-EWAN GLUGS

-'Ah!'

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What was that you were drinking? It seems very delicious.

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'It is! It's Barry's Red Cola!'

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Ah! Barry's Red Cola. Sparkling, tasty and refreshing.

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A great companion on any adventure. Are you ready to begin yours?

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-'I am now!'

-Very well.

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You awake in a giant's kitchen. You're on a plate.

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Nearby is a steel goblet.

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You hear thunderous footsteps approaching.

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What would you like to do?

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'Hide in the goblet!'

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You climb over the lip of the goblet

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and dive into a pool of...

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Barry's Red Cola!

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'Oh, really?'

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-Yes, really.

-'Man, I love that stuff.'

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Me, too.

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The giant searches the room for you. He glances towards the goblet.

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What would you like to do?

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'Drink Barry's Red Cola!'

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You drink the delicious Barry's Red Cola.

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The goblet is empty.

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You sit at the bottom of the goblet, safely out of view.

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Good idea, traveller.

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'I have a confession, Falconhoof.

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'It was luck! I just couldn't help drinking all that Barry's Red Cola!'

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Ha-ha-ha. I hear you!

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Unfortunately, the giant also loves Barry's Red Cola

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and begins refilling the goblet from his bottle.

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What would you like to do?

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'Drink Barry's Red Cola!'

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You drink the Barry's Red Cola as it pours over you.

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Barry's Red Cola also tastes great straight from the bottle.

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You remain out of view at the bottom of the goblet.

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Another great idea, traveller.

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But don't tell me it was luck.

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you just couldn't help drinking all that...

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-BOTH:

-Barry's Red Cola!

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'Hey, you can't blame me, huh?'

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No way, man! But the giant keeps pouring faster than you can drink!

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You must act quickly.

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'Let me think about it.'

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HEARTY GLUGGING

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'Ah!'

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-Traveller?

-'Yeah?'

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-You're dead!

-'Oh, no! What happened?'

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You drowned in Barry's Red Cola.

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What a glorious way to die.

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'Yeah. I was too busy enjoying the real thing.'

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Ah, yes. What better way to enjoy red cola,

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than the real thing, the REAL red cola, Barry's Red Cola.

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CALLER HANGS UP

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Let's take another call.

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MUSIC: "Boom Boom Boom Boom" by Vengaboys

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# Let's spend the night together

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# From now until forever

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# Boom boom boom boom, I wanna double boom

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# Let's spend the night together, together in my room... #

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What the...?!

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Oh, hold on. I put it on for a laugh, but it's good - you should try it!

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Oh, how you doing?

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I was thinking of getting one of these.

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-I was thinking maybe that one?

-HESITANTLY:

-Mmm, yeah, yeah...

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Pretty standard, but... But, yeah, why not?

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I might not even need that, you know?

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I was thinking maybe, even just that?

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That's... That one, It's, it's pretty basic.

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Entry level. I mean, what... I wouldn't. Hsss...

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So what about that?

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HE EXHALES SHARPLY

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Serious bit of kit here. This is actually what I've got in the hoose.

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But I'm no' sure if I need all that, though, you know?

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I might be fine with that.

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That's... Basic, entry-level, that. Wouldnae get that.

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You're thinking maybe more that?

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-HE SQUEAKS:

-Hmmm, yeah, it's pretty standard, but...

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-Thinking more that one?

-(Serious bit of kit.

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(It's a serious... I mean, you're talking...)

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HE EXHALES SHARPLY

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-No' that one.

-Hsss.

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That's entry level, basic, I mean, it's up to you.

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I think I'll take that one. Thanks.

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Miaow!

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Here, how annoying is this?

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No' annoying at all, eh? How about if I play this?

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CHEESY REGGAE MUSIC

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And I start doing this...

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And I look like this.

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This is pretty annoying, in't it?

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The hat, the top, the whole thing.

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Aye, this is pretty annoying.

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How about if I start doing this?

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And this?

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And occasionally do this?

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And just to top it off, I do this.

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GRATING, NASAL LAUGHTER

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HE LAUGHS AGAIN

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That's pretty annoying, in't it?

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TENSE, DRAMATIC MUSIC

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Drop the gun!

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YOU drop the gun!

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Drop the gun!

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Slow-ly!

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I ain't droppin' shit!

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You want to do this the old way?

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Let's do it!

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Drop the gun, asshole.

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You drop it, pigshit!

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Drop the gun, dicksplash.

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You drop it, lamewad.

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Drop the gun, douchebin.

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It's douche-BAG, you idiot.

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Well, I say douchebin.

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Well, I say drop the gun, douchebag.

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Drop the gun, you mother-asshole.

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You already said asshole.

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This time I'm saying mother-asshole.

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You prick.

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-You're the dick.

-I said prick. Not dick.

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But I'm callin' you a dick.

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You wank!

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I'll wank you, you dick. Shit!

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Sheee-iit!

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-TV:

-And if you've been affected by any of the issues raised

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in tonight's programme, call the number at the bottom of your screen.

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'Hello?'

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Hello, is this the number to phone if I've been affected

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-by any of the issues in...

-'Yes, it is.'

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Right, well, I've been affected

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by some of the issues in tonight's programme.

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'Ah, sorry to hear that, sweetheart.

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'OK, thanks for calling.

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'Bye for now!'

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All right. Bye.

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MAN HANGS UP

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Miaow!

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HE EXHALES DRAMATICALLY

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HE HISSES

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HE EXHALES DRAMATICALLY

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Miaow!

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Just going to leave that there. All right?

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, my name's Raymond Day, and welcome to Paraside.

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Let's see where the spirit takes us.

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Could someone understand, please?

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I have here in spirit someone who, at the time of their passing,

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looked very different from how they usually looked,

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and not necessarily for the better.

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You, my dear?

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I think it might be my son.

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It might be your son. OK.

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And am I right in saying that this change in his appearance

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was caused by...an illness?

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Or an accident? Or...?

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Yeah, an accident. He was killed in a car crash.

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A crash? Oh, God!

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And you saw what had happened when you went to identify him.

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Am I right?

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Well, I was in the car with him,

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but I had my seat belt on, so I survived but he didn't.

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Oh, lucky you!

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No, no, you weren't lucky, because you saw your son and he was,

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and he admits this himself, not a pretty picture.

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LAUGHTER

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His face was all over the place. Is that right?

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Good, because he's telling me now, who's this?

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My husband.

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This is Husband.

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You told Husband you couldn't get that face out of your mind.

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Every time you closed your eyes, it was there.

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It's just not how you want to remember your son.

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But he's telling me now,

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"Don't cry, Mum! they've put me back together again.

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"All the king's horses and all the king's men

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"have put me back together again."

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Just like the nursery rhyme you used to sing to him, remember?

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He just wants to come through to tell you that.

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And that's him away.

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APPLAUSE

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But now he's away, I can tell you.

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He's a mess. He's no different. He was trying to cheer you up,

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but I thought you'd want the truth,

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cos you're going to see it eventually.

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-And don't worry, I think you'll have plenty of time to get used to it!

-LAUGHTER

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That was nice of him. I'll leave his love with you.

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OMINOUS GROWLING

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GROWLING

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LOUD GROWL

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GROWLING

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FEROCIOUS BARKING

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I'm going to say something to you right now

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that I've never said to another living soul in my life.

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GIBBERISH

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CHEESY CABARET-ACT MUSIC

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'I hate my job. I hate my job, I hate it!

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'I hate it, I hate it, I hate my job!'

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BELL SOUNDS

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Now there's a guy that hates his job.

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DOORBELL SOUNDS

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All right?

0:12:480:12:49

All right? This is going to sound strange,

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-but I used to stay here when I was younger.

-Right.

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And I was wondering, could I come in and have a wee look about?

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I don't know about that, mate.

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I knew it'd sound strange.

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The thing is, me and my family are moving to New Zealand next week,

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we're never coming back,

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so I've been going about getting one last look at all my old memories

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before I leave. Do you know what I mean?

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I just thought I could maybe come back and have a wee look,

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and, I don't know...

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Aye, all right. Come in for a minute.

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Oh, amazing mate, thanks a lot!

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Oh, it's just how I remember it. This wall used to be Artexed.

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In fact, I think the whole thing used to be Artexed. Remember Artex?

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Aye, the Artex. Here, where are you going?

0:13:310:13:34

Sorry, mate, it's just, this used to be my bedroom.

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Would you mind?

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-No, no, on ye go.

-Some man.

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Oh, look at this, look at this. It's a lot wee-er than I remember,

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but obviously I was wee myself, know what I mean?

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Aye, it was yellow up to about there,

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cos I started painting it yellow, but ran out of paint.

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-Eh, listen, could you, could you gie's a minute?

-Aye, nae bother.

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-Tae myself?

-Naw, I cannae do that, mate.

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Listen, do you want to leave now? I'm pretty busy.

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It'll just be a minute mate.

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-I've got stuff to get on with. Come on.

-No, just a minute!

0:14:100:14:13

What, are you asking or are you telling?

0:14:130:14:15

Now get oot! Get oot my fuckin' hoose!

0:14:150:14:16

All right, all right! I'm leaving! 'Sake!

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FLOORBOARD SQUEAKS

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Mate! Mate!

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You looking for this?

0:14:590:15:01

Aw!

0:15:010:15:02

Oh, cheers mate!

0:15:040:15:06

Aw, chokin', man!

0:15:140:15:17

Couldnae do us another favour, give us 20 to get back to Royston?

0:15:170:15:21

Naw?

0:15:210:15:23

CHEESY REGGAE MUSIC ANNOYING LAUGHTER

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Can't get much more annoying than this, eh? How about this?

0:15:300:15:33

SMASHING SOUND

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Oh, sorry mate!

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GRATING LAUGH

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Or this.

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HE BELCHES

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HE LAUGHS

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HE BELCHES

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HE LAUGHS

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Or this?

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HE LAUGHS

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HE BELCHES

0:15:530:15:55

HE LAUGHS

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Ah, sorry, mate!

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HE LAUGHS

0:16:000:16:02

It's about as annoying as it gets.

0:16:030:16:05

-You wanted to see me?

-Yeah.

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I'm going to have to let you go.

0:16:150:16:18

What! What for?!

0:16:180:16:20

I can't have you spreading your negativity around the workplace.

0:16:200:16:23

I don't know what you mean!

0:16:230:16:24

'I hate my job. I hate my job.'

0:16:290:16:31

'I hate it, hate it, hate it! Hate my job. I hate my job.'

0:16:310:16:35

How did you get in...?

0:16:350:16:36

BELL SOUNDS

0:16:360:16:37

Who's that? That's...

0:16:370:16:39

Now THERE'S a guy who hates his job.

0:16:390:16:40

HE WITTERS PITIFULLY

0:16:400:16:43

OMINOUS, EERIE MUSIC

0:16:470:16:50

It's...

0:17:040:17:06

DOOR CLOSES

0:17:080:17:09

So you bought yourself a new motor.

0:17:100:17:13

ENGINE REVS

0:17:130:17:15

A yellow motor!

0:17:150:17:17

ENGINE REVS

0:17:170:17:18

What were you thinking?

0:17:180:17:21

Can I have a roll and chips, please?

0:17:260:17:28

HE SINGS RAGGA TUNE

0:17:300:17:33

HE JOINS IN

0:17:360:17:38

-What you daein'?

-Joining in.

-But I don't know you, mate.

0:17:380:17:42

-Aye, all right...

-I don't know you!

0:17:420:17:44

HE EXHALES

0:17:470:17:49

JAUNTY JAZZ TUNE PLAYS

0:18:050:18:08

HE LAUGHS

0:19:120:19:13

MUSIC FADES

0:19:190:19:21

KISSES BECOME AUDIBLE

0:19:210:19:22

May God forgive me for what I'm about to say,

0:19:420:19:44

but sometimes I wish it was you that was in that water!

0:19:440:19:48

Jokin'!

0:19:500:19:52

-STONED DRAWL:

-Fuckin'... Minding my own business.

0:19:530:19:57

DOORBELL

0:19:570:19:58

Your neighbour isn't in. Would you mind signing for this?

0:20:000:20:03

What?

0:20:030:20:05

Recorded delivery. For your neighbour.

0:20:050:20:06

Just put a note through their door to say you've got it.

0:20:060:20:09

Right.

0:20:090:20:10

'Back tae the telly. Homes Under The Hammer, a good yin.

0:20:100:20:13

'Somebody'd bought a barn, wanted to dae it up.

0:20:130:20:15

'I thought, "Dee-Dee, who you fuckin' kidding?"

0:20:150:20:18

'What's in that box?

0:20:180:20:20

'I thought, "Come on, don't start, Homes Under The Hammer, tune in."

0:20:200:20:24

'Wee voice went, "Dee-Dee, sitting there's a box

0:20:240:20:27

'"and you don't know what's in it."

0:20:270:20:29

'I mean, who has a box in their hoose

0:20:290:20:31

'and they don't even know what's in it? Isnae right!

0:20:310:20:34

'I just thought, "Gonnae drap it? Take your mind aff it!"

0:20:340:20:37

'Look, there's Jeremy Kyle - you happy?

0:20:370:20:40

'This Morning, Judge Judy, Loose Women, fuckin'...

0:20:400:20:43

'Cash In The Attic, Bargain Hunt, Flog It!

0:20:430:20:46

'Fuckin'...Murder She Wrote, Midsomer Murders, Heartbeat.

0:20:460:20:50

'Fuckin'...Alan Titchmarsh! We can get through this! Get rid of it.

0:20:500:20:54

'Papped it ootside his door, his problem.

0:20:540:20:57

'Aye, but then I thought,

0:20:570:20:59

'Dee-Dee, "What if it gets knocked, or somebody wrecks it?"

0:20:590:21:02

'Wee glue-sniffer makes his way up here, or a fox.

0:21:020:21:05

'You'll get the blame! But what if he knocks it himself?

0:21:050:21:08

'Makes you buy him a new one, so he ends up wi' two?

0:21:080:21:11

'You better believe you have tae sign for the new wan, as well.

0:21:110:21:15

'Doin' your nut in again.

0:21:150:21:16

'You dumping it again, him bumping it again.

0:21:160:21:18

'Two become four, four become eight, eight become...whatever it is.

0:21:180:21:23

'Started chapping doors to palm it off to somebody else.

0:21:230:21:27

'But naebody would help. Naebody was in.

0:21:270:21:29

'Too busy working, thinking aboot themselves. All bar one.'

0:21:290:21:32

Aye, right!

0:21:320:21:34

'Didn't know what tae dae.'

0:21:340:21:35

'Couldn't have it inside, outside, couldn't let it oot ma sight.

0:21:350:21:39

'Stumped. Trapped.

0:21:390:21:40

'I'd only one option left.'

0:21:400:21:43

TV BLARES FROM NEXT DOOR

0:21:480:21:50

All right?

0:21:520:21:54

I'm no' angry.

0:22:010:22:03

I'm disappointed, but I'm not angry. So here's what I'm going to do.

0:22:030:22:07

I'm going to turn around, I'm going to shut my eyes,

0:22:070:22:10

and I want whoever took the plate to put it back

0:22:100:22:12

and I'm willing to draw a line under it, right there.

0:22:120:22:15

OK? OK.

0:22:150:22:17

Oh, thank God. Thanks for coming over.

0:22:280:22:30

What's this all about? You didn't make any sense on the phone.

0:22:300:22:33

-He's goin' about with one of them on his heid.

-Ha-ha! What for?

0:22:330:22:37

I don't know. It's no' funny! Gonnae just get him to stop?

0:22:370:22:41

Get oot!

0:23:010:23:03

I'm sorry Irene. He's right, it's good!

0:23:030:23:06

See you later.

0:23:060:23:07

You'll see him now! Get oot! The two of yous! Oot!

0:23:070:23:12

Irene? I'm....

0:23:200:23:21

CHEESY REGGAE PLAYS

0:23:280:23:30

-SMASHING SOUND

-Oh, sorry!

0:23:310:23:34

ANNOYING LAUGH

0:23:340:23:37

This really is as annoying as it gets, eh?

0:23:370:23:39

Well, how about this one last thing?

0:23:390:23:42

BELCHING, LAUGHING AND CHEESY REGGAE

0:23:420:23:45

Imagine something like this, eh?

0:23:450:23:48

True story.

0:23:500:23:52

SALESMAN SUCKS HIS TEETH

0:24:010:24:03

Miaow!

0:24:030:24:05

SALESMAN EXHALES DRAMATICALLY

0:24:050:24:08

HE HISSES, MEWS AND EXHALES REPEATEDLY

0:24:080:24:15

Miaow!

0:24:260:24:28

OK. Let's introduce ourselves. I'm Neil.

0:24:280:24:33

-My name's Darren.

-Hello, I'm Julie.

0:24:330:24:35

Ma name's Jacqueline McCafferty. I lost...

0:24:350:24:37

We'll just go through the names first, Jacqueline.

0:24:370:24:40

'I was on that stupid group therapy...'

0:24:400:24:42

-I'm Kerry.

-I'm Nadine.

-I'm Vince.

0:24:420:24:45

So, Jacqueline, do you want to share?

0:24:450:24:48

I lost three year of my life tae hero-ine.

0:24:480:24:51

Another five tae a methadone programme meant to get us off it

0:24:510:24:54

but that's me clean now!

0:24:540:24:56

I haven't thought once about going back on the smack, until Tuesday.

0:24:560:25:00

Washing machine broke. Neighbour says, "You flooded us!

0:25:000:25:03

"Third time this month!" I was like, "It's the second!"

0:25:030:25:05

Third? Second? Third? Second? Stressed oot the eyeballs!

0:25:050:25:08

Felt like daein' a charge of kit into my arm there and then!

0:25:080:25:11

So here I am.

0:25:110:25:13

I know how you feel.

0:25:130:25:15

I lost four year of my life to heroin, and four on methadone.

0:25:150:25:20

That's me been out of work for about six month now.

0:25:200:25:23

-The pressure...

-Eight year all-in?

0:25:230:25:25

You lost like, four year on the hero-ine,

0:25:250:25:28

-and four year on the methadone? Eight year?

-Aye.

0:25:280:25:31

Well, same here! I'm five and three, you're nae worse than me!

0:25:310:25:35

I know. We've all had it bad.

0:25:350:25:37

-Aye, so...

-So I've been unemployed for six months

0:25:370:25:43

but there's still bills that need to get paid, and the pressure...

0:25:430:25:46

Haud on! You were on the hero-ine for a year more than me

0:25:460:25:49

but methadone a year less?

0:25:490:25:50

I think so?

0:25:500:25:52

I lost five on methadone! You only lost four! Methadone's worse!

0:25:520:25:56

-Aye, for some!

-Methadone's worse!

0:25:560:25:58

We agree, don't we? Methadone's worse than hero-ine, in't it?!

0:25:580:26:03

-Well, no' for me!

-Oh, no, not for you, not for Princess!

0:26:030:26:06

Well, I thought a lot about heroin over the last couple of months,

0:26:060:26:11

despite having lost everything to it. It's just the pressure.

0:26:110:26:14

-Lost everything?

-Pretty much.

0:26:140:26:16

-Lose your daughter to the Social?

-My sons?

0:26:160:26:18

Well, getting two weans back is better than getting one!

0:26:180:26:21

I've no' got them back!

0:26:210:26:23

-Methadone's worse!

-What?!

-This isnae a competition, hen!

0:26:240:26:28

Can I get a shot?

0:26:280:26:30

You've lost three year to heroin, right? Another five tae methadone?

0:26:300:26:35

Well, I've lost three to heroin, but I only lost three to methadone.

0:26:350:26:42

SENTIMENTAL MUSIC

0:26:450:26:49

Awright?

0:26:510:26:52

Come here, you, ya bastard!

0:26:580:26:59

Want the plate? Want the plate?

0:26:590:27:02

There I'll rub your face in it! Gaun', ya bastard!

0:27:020:27:06

-Oh, my God! What happened?

-HE SOBS

0:27:060:27:10

TENSE MUSIC

0:27:320:27:34

How about YOU? Hmm?

0:28:000:28:05

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:350:28:38

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0:28:380:28:40

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