Episode 2 Limmy's Show


Episode 2

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Here,

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you know how there's that one person that you just see everywhere?

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You don't know them, you've never met them,

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but you just see them all the time?

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Well, see that guy there?

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He's mine.

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Welcome to Limmy's Show, my friend.

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, my name's Raymond Day and welcome to Paraside.

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OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.

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Can someone understand, please?

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I have here in spirit an older gentleman...?

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Whose brother has also passed to spirit?

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And I have a strong feeling that he wishes to connect with

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a lady in the audience.

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You understand this?

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My dad passed away and his brother, my uncle, had already passed.

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Oh, that's tragic.

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Well, there's only one of them here. I take it you've come for Dad?

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It's Uncle.

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But don't be downhearted. No doubt your father loves you,

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but oh, oh, your uncle, oh, he likes you.

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Oh, he likes you!

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He follows you absolutely everywhere and watches over everything you do.

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And I mean everything!

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Like he's just showing me there like the time you were in the shower

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and the water went cold, and gave you a fright?

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Yeah, it does that sometimes.

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Yeah, he was just standing there watching you as usual.

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And then you screamed and jumped out your skin.

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I think he got a bigger fright than you!

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LAUGHTER FROM STUDIO AUDIENCE

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And who are you, my love? Is this partner?

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Yeah, this is my husband.

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Husband, yeah, I'm getting the sense that your uncle

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is so happy for you both.

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He loves watching the two of you together.

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You're such an affectionate couple.

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But he's saying, "See him?

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"He needs to spend more time with you".

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Do you understand this?

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He needs to spend more time with you.

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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OK, it's a family show!

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LAUGHTER

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But most of all your uncle just loves to watch you sleep.

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At the end of a long day when you kick off your heels,

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peel off your clothes, and get into bed beside your husband.

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STUDIO AUDIENCE: Aw!

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I'll leave his love with y... Oh, hold on.

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Who's this?

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We've got someone else coming.

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It's Dad!

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Dad's come through!

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APPLAUSE

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I can see that they're brothers, but there's one difference, isn't there.

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-Em...

-There's that one big difference between them.

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You can't remember?

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Oh, the hair?

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My uncle had a thick head of hair but my dad...didn't.

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Sorry, Dad!

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I see, so your dad was bald but your uncle wasn't?

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Yeah.

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Then I think I've got this mixed up.

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That was your dad speaking. Why didn't he say?

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Och, that's good, to be honest when I thought it was your uncle

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watching you, I thought, "Oh, that's a bit creepy"!

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Anyway, I'll leave their love with you.

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APPLAUSE

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Any of you into Westlife?

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Westlife?

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No, I know I used to think they were pish an' all,

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but, got dragged along to one of their concerts one night,

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was all the way down the front row next to the speakers.

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Honestly, man. See the base that came out of those speakers

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when they played Uptown Girl,

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I was like that - "Get in there, man, get in".

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Good by the way. Aye.

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Some banter on 'em an' all, man.

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Here, how good would it be if you could do this?

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Eh?

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GLASS SMASHES

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I meant just me!

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Thank you for joining us.

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My name is Larry Forsyth, and with me is Dr Stuart.

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This week Dr Stuart will be administering me with Dreadnought.

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A drug first used during The Great War

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because it provided the soldier with added bravery.

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An hour and a half later, I was beginning to feel definite effects.

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What are you looking at?

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I'm looking at you, Larry.

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Who do you think you're looking at?

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I'm looking at you.

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Where is it you think I'm looking?

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Shut your BLEEP mouth.

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Do you realise you're being quite confrontational?

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Yes, I am. I apologise.

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It's quite all right.

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-Was it?

-Yes.

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And what if it wasn't?

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What if it wasn't what, Larry?

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What if it wasn't all right?

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What if you're not all right with the things I'm saying to you?

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What the BLEEP would you do about it?

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You're becoming quite aggressive again, Larry.

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Yes, I am. I apologise.

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And stop Larrying me.

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Could you tell me what it is you're feeling,

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what emotions are driving you at this moment?

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I'm feeling the urge to strike you.

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To strike your face and your body.

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I see.

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Do you think you could stop me if I tried?

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I wouldn't like to find out.

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Shall I take that as a maybe?

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Larry.

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I told you to not Larry me.

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Do you feel that when I say your name..?

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-Your wife is a floozy.

-I'm sorry?

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You heard me.

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My wife is a floozy?

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-Oh, you've heard, have you?

-Larry, you're behaving...

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-I told you not to Larry me.

-Larry.

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Are you deaf?

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Are you deaf?!

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Could you sit down, please.

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Why don't you try and make me sit down?

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You're being rather frightening.

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Your wife is a floozy.

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I must ask you not to say that again.

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Your wife is a floozy, your wife is a floozy,

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your wife is a floozy.

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'At this point in the experiment, I had to be subdued.'

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Floozy!

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A lot of shite, this place. A lot of shite.

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I wish I could escape and get away from everybody. It's a lot of shite.

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Fuck off!

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I mean, everybody was steaming, right.

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But Billy's dad, he's practically sleeping standing up.

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Have you ever seen the video for...erm...Smooth Criminal?

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Aye, aye.

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Well, he's like this. Come here, come here.

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Right, get round there.

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Right, hold us up. He's like that.

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Like there's some mad gale holding him up!

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No idea of how he was managing it.

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It's like his feet were, were glued to the deck.

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You know but, phew,

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I was in the same state by about twelve o'clock or - so I was told!

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Right. I can't remember anything,

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but what I can remember is thinking, it's a shame for Billy's dad

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right, cos he's away, and he's totally, his mind...

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The police have got a pure hard time, haven't they.

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Who?

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The police. Just get a pure hard time, don't they?

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It's like nobody ever speaks to them, nobody ever, you walk past them

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and they never speak to them and that, just give them pure

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dirty looks but they're, like, the first people, if you're attacked,

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they're like the first people you speak to, the first people you phone.

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Like, mad, they come to your door, come to your door pure friendly

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and all that, and my sister, she got burgled, she phoned,

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they're straight at the door, friendly.

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Aye, it's just - it's a shame for them.

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Just nobody speaks...

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Oh, I feel gallus, man.

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-Oh, look who it is. All right?

-All right?

-All right?

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How's things?

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Not bad. Yourself?

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Good, good, working away.

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-Still doing scaffolding?

-No, I chucked that years ago. You?

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I don't mean to be rude but I'm just going to go and book the classes,

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-all right?

-Right.

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Well, I was just doing the whole website thing.

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I chucked that an' all. You still in Glasgow?

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East End. It's all right.

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I'm still in Partick.

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Right. So...

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What are you into these days?

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I've got a secret hamster.

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Keep it up in my loft.

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She thinks I'm up there trying to fix a leak in the roof,

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but, up there feeding it.

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Giving it a wee clap.

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Nobody knows?

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Nobody.

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My son got suspicious.

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He was like that, "What leak, Dad? What are you doing up there?"

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I says, "Son, you don't want to know".

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He hasn't asked since,

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I don't know what he thinks I'm doing but, it won't be that.

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Yourself?

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See, on my way to work, I pass this dump.

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It's not a real dump. It's just like a bit of spare ground

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-people use for...

-Fly tipping.

-Aye.

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Well, see in there, there's this wardrobe, right,

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It's been there for months.

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I get in the wardrobe,

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sometimes for ten minutes,

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sometimes for ten hours.

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Told her last week, last Friday,

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"I'll be away working all weekend,

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"not be back till Monday, working on the rigs".

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I was in the wardrobe all weekend.

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Fucking laughing my head off.

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I've got to get one for the loft.

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Get what for the loft?

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-I better go. See you later, right.

-Right, see you later.

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-Just something to fix that leak.

-Och, that leak!

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I went to see a movie, everyone said it was great,

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it's like 92 on Metacritic.

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But it was, it was OK, it was just OK.

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I got the new OS. Everyone said it's full of these great new features.

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It's supposed to be better and faster, but it's not,

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it's slower and worse!

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I went to a gig. They're my favourite band.

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I used to love them but they didn't sound the same!

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They didn't sound good but everyone said they were great,

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but they weren't! They were shit! Everything's shit!

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Everything's shit, everything's changed! Everything used to be so good!

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We said we'd all go travelling, my friends,

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we'd go to Thailand and maybe Laos.

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But no-one went, everyone's got jobs and mortgages

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and now some of them are having kids!

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Everything's shit! Everything's shit! Everything's shit!

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Now he gets it.

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Oh, I forgot - going to get a packet of paracetamol?

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-Right.

-In fact get two.

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Two!?

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But they'll think I'm trying to top myself.

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-Hi.

-Hi. Hiya!

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All right. You all right?

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Aye. Fine, thanks.

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Fine, is that all?

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I feel amazing, man. I feel amazing!

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I feel, I feel, pure dead brilliant.

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I feel br... I feel amazing.

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I've got a wee bit of a headache, so I think I'll have two packets of...

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two packets of...

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Here, some day, isn't it? Eh?

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Some day. I woke up this morning, I thought, "Some day, isn't it".

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I know it was raining this morning but I love the weather.

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I wake up and I think, "What's the weather got in store for me?"

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and my family and my loved ones and my pals and all that.

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Cos I've got tonnes of loved ones, and friends and family,

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you know, that support me and all that.

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I'm very lucky, I've got everything to live for, you know?

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You know, I love the weather, but the thing is with the rain,

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sometimes you don't feel like going out to the shops,

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so it's good to stock up.

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So for that reason I think I'll have no' one but two packets of...

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Two packets of...

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LAUGHS INSINCERELY

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It's good to laugh sometimes, isn't it.

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You know life, when you think about life..

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You never think about life and you're like...

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LAUGHS FALSELY

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LAUGHS WILDLY

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Look, mate, if I wanted to do it, I'd do this.

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Can I have two packets of paracetamol, please?

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He's sleeping right now, isn't it?

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What?

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It's just funny to think he's sleeping,

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him from the... The Usual Suspects.

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Who?

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Kevin Spacey?

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Aye, no, the other one, the other main one.

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It isn't Kevin Spacey, what's his name?

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Gabriel Byrne?

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Aye, that's it, aye.

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Funny to think he's sleeping right now, isn't it? Isn't it, funny

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thinking he's sleeping right now, and I'm thinking about him.

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He's in bed and I'm thinking about him sleeping.

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Are you thinking about him sleeping?

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Just lying in bed, like, dreaming and, it's funny to think,

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imagine he's... and I'm thinking about him dreaming.

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Funny thing, imagine, eh, he was dreaming about us,

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thinking about him...about the films we've seen.

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So...

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Christine's pregnant.

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Oh, really? Congratulations, mate.

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When's it due?

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30th August, we think.

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Do you know what it is yet? Boy, lassie?

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No, it's too early for that.

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But listen we were thinking, if it is a boy,

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we'll maybe name him after you.

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No!

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No, don't do that. Are you serious?

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Aye, not in your honour or nothing,

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but well, your name came up, and it's got a nice ring to it.

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Seamus McPhee.

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Seamus?

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Aye.

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But my name's not...

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Oh, right, his name's Seamus McPhee.

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You're using my name for his middle name?

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No. That'd be a bit daft, eh?

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Seamus, Seamus McPhee.

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Seamus? All right.

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His middle name is Seamus,

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you're using my name for his first name, so it's Brian Seamus McPhee.

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Brian?

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Aye.

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Why Brian?

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I thought you said you were using my name?

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Aye.... Oh, right, is your middle name Brian?

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No.

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What are you on about?

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What are YOU on about?

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My name's not Seamus.

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Aye, it is.

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Right, you're starting to freak me out now.

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You're starting to freak ME out.

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-What!?

-What?

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Did you have a nice night?

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Aye.

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There's pasta in the microwave.

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Thanks.

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Seamus, have you got the number for...?

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What did you say?

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-I said have you got the number for...?

-Before that.

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I just said your name.

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(Which is?)

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Seamus.

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What's going on? Did he put you up to this?

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Did who put me up to what?

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-Seamus, what's...?

-Right, I'm off.

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Can I have a room, please?

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And is it just for the night, Seamus?

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What?

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Seamus, Seamus?

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Seamus?

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I hate that name! My name's not Seamus!

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Can everybody stop calling me Seamus!

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One day, they flip it, they just can't take it anymore.

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So for the sake of your wean, please, don't call them Seamus.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello?

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Yes, it is.

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Ah, no, I'm not interested, thanks.

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No, I'm not, I don't want to buy anything, thanks,

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and could you take me off the database, please.

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No. I'm not in...

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What kind of clown porn?

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What's that?

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Hmm?

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You know, that was funny when he was going like that, wasn't it.

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Oh, Billy's dad?

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Aye!

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Aye.

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Honk honk!

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Make this one the last and we'll head out, right?

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Aye.

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Look at that. Look at the head on it.

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Oh, you know what that reminds me of? That foam party.

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Foam party?

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Hogmanay 1999? Remember that Ibiza-themed foam party at the pub?

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Oh, aye!

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Mind the guy who got skooshed in the eyes with the foam machine?

0:19:550:19:59

Mind, he was like that? "I cannae see, I cannae see!".

0:19:590:20:02

Aye.

0:20:020:20:03

No, you're not looking.

0:20:030:20:05

Mind, we used to do impressions of him.

0:20:050:20:07

-"I cannae see, I cannae see!"

-Aye.

0:20:070:20:09

No, look, you're not looking at me. Right, watch. Right, mind.

0:20:090:20:13

-"I cannae see, I cannae see!"

-Is this ever going to go down?

0:20:140:20:16

Look at me!

0:20:180:20:20

Oh, I'm looking!

0:20:200:20:22

"I cannae see, I cannae see!"

0:20:220:20:24

Ah!

0:20:240:20:26

Guys, do you watch Coronation Street?

0:20:460:20:48

What?

0:20:480:20:50

Do you watch Coronation Street?

0:20:500:20:52

Aye, sometimes.

0:20:520:20:54

Getting brilliant right now, ain't it?

0:20:540:20:56

I don't know, mate. I don't... I don't watch it enough.

0:20:570:21:00

Aye. It's getting pretty good right now.

0:21:000:21:03

There's that storyline with what's his name.

0:21:030:21:06

Eh, what's his name?

0:21:060:21:08

Here, any of you watch Coronation Street?

0:21:300:21:33

Wait, I forgot to get tinned tomatoes - sorry.

0:21:360:21:38

That's OK.

0:21:380:21:39

So, erm...

0:21:450:21:47

..what's your thing?

0:21:500:21:51

My thing?

0:21:530:21:54

Aye, your thing.

0:21:550:21:57

Every Thursday, I pull down the shutters...

0:22:010:22:04

phone the wife, tell her I'm stock-taking.

0:22:060:22:09

But you're not.

0:22:100:22:12

I strip off.

0:22:130:22:14

Grab a basket,

0:22:160:22:18

walk around, sticking things in.

0:22:180:22:20

That's good. But you know what you could do?

0:22:200:22:23

What?

0:22:230:22:24

Watch back the CCTV for that day,

0:22:240:22:28

go up next to where people were standing,

0:22:280:22:31

go like that to them - "All right, sir? Two for one.

0:22:310:22:35

"Can I help you, madam? Tinned tomatoes? Oh, right here."

0:22:350:22:39

Like you usually would.

0:22:390:22:40

But wi' your cock out.

0:22:400:22:42

I'm doing that.

0:22:470:22:49

I'm doing that tonight.

0:22:490:22:50

Doing what tonight?

0:22:510:22:53

Eh, watching the game on that.

0:22:530:22:55

Oh, right.

0:22:560:22:57

'Fucking was walking through the park,

0:23:010:23:03

'and I spots this helluva familiar face.

0:23:030:23:07

'It was him, him that does the news.'

0:23:070:23:09

Here, you're him. Aren't you?

0:23:110:23:12

I hope so!

0:23:130:23:15

'And I thought, here, he'll be on the news at 6pm, live,

0:23:150:23:19

'and here he is right in front of you.

0:23:190:23:21

'Dee Dee, this is your chance to get on the telly,

0:23:210:23:24

'cos I'm not a violent man but if I was,

0:23:240:23:27

'I could break his nose.

0:23:270:23:30

'Come six, everybody watching would be like that,

0:23:300:23:32

"What happened to his nose?"

0:23:320:23:34

'And I'd be like that.' That was me.

0:23:340:23:35

'Or I could pull out my lighter, like I'm having a fag,

0:23:350:23:39

'and burn his hair.

0:23:390:23:40

'Everybody watching would be like that, "What's with the hat?".

0:23:400:23:43

'I'd be like that.' That was me.

0:23:430:23:45

'Or I could just say to him, "Here, fancy going mental

0:23:450:23:48

'and getting a tattoo?"

0:23:480:23:49

'Everybody watching would be like that - "Has he went mental?".

0:23:490:23:53

'And I'd be like that.' That was me.

0:23:530:23:55

'Well, none of that happened, but it didn't have to,

0:23:550:23:58

'because when he was making his exit, he tripped up like a dully'in.'

0:23:580:24:03

Ha!

0:24:030:24:04

'That night he knew I was watching,

0:24:050:24:07

'and there on his face, behind the mad fake smile,

0:24:070:24:10

'was something worse than any tattoo -

0:24:100:24:13

'Embarrassment.'

0:24:130:24:15

That WAS me.

0:24:150:24:16

Och, here, listen. How's it going, mate? I'm sorry,

0:24:280:24:32

I see you everywhere. What's your name, my man? I'm Limmy.

0:24:320:24:35

No chance.

0:24:360:24:37

Oh, sorry, mate.

0:24:430:24:44

It's all right.

0:24:440:24:45

-They should have a wee sign telling you which armrest's yours, eh?

-Aye.

0:24:450:24:49

So er...

0:24:530:24:54

What's your thing?

0:24:560:24:57

What?

0:24:570:24:59

What's your thing?

0:25:000:25:02

My what?

0:25:030:25:04

The thing, what's your thing?

0:25:040:25:05

Mate, I don't have a clue what you're talking about.

0:25:050:25:08

Ha, don't mind me, mate. I'm off my nut.

0:25:130:25:15

Here, any of you want a game of I Spy?

0:25:260:25:28

Nah, mate.

0:25:300:25:32

No, that's cool, I'll play myself. Play myself.

0:25:320:25:34

Right. Er...

0:25:350:25:37

I spy with my little eye something beginning with...

0:25:370:25:41

wallpaper.

0:25:410:25:42

Hm?

0:25:420:25:43

Here, I feel like a spin.

0:25:480:25:50

Woah!

0:25:540:25:55

What are you doing, you mad man?

0:25:570:25:59

Sorry, you know how sometimes you feel like a wee spin?

0:25:590:26:02

EXHALES DEEPLY

0:26:130:26:15

A wee orange juice for the lady?

0:26:160:26:19

What?

0:26:190:26:20

A wee lady's orange juice for yourself?

0:26:200:26:23

Away you go, back and drown in your pint.

0:26:230:26:24

What?

0:26:240:26:26

-What?

-Well, he got a reaction out of you!

0:26:260:26:28

You've got to give him that.

0:26:280:26:30

You gave him exactly what he wanted, you played right into his hands.

0:26:300:26:33

What are you doing, you wee fanny?!

0:26:370:26:39

Well, you played right into their hands.

0:26:420:26:44

You gave them exactly what they wanted.

0:26:440:26:45

They got a reaction out of you, you've got to give them that!

0:26:450:26:48

Did you hear the client picked my designs? No luck.

0:26:490:26:52

Aye, well, yours were a wee bit safe.

0:26:520:26:54

Aye, the client picked my design.

0:26:540:26:56

Aye, cos they shat out of it.

0:26:560:26:57

Aye, they picked my designs.

0:26:570:26:59

Oh, shut up!

0:26:590:27:00

Well, you gave her exactly what she wanted!

0:27:000:27:02

You played right into her hands!

0:27:020:27:04

She got a reaction out of you, you've got to give her that!

0:27:040:27:06

Who is that guy!?

0:27:060:27:07

Who's who?

0:27:090:27:10

Oh, I see! He's in my mind!

0:27:120:27:15

What?

0:27:180:27:19

What was that all about?

0:27:190:27:21

What sort of sketch is that?

0:27:210:27:23

Well, he got a reaction out of you!

0:27:230:27:25

You gave him exactly what he wanted, you've got to give him that!

0:27:250:27:27

You played right into his hands!

0:27:270:27:29

Ah!

0:27:290:27:30

Here, funny to think, mate...

0:27:400:27:42

Listen, it's about eight o'clock in the morning now,

0:27:420:27:44

so do you mind just phoning yourselves a taxi?

0:27:440:27:48

No bother, mate. I'm just going to head into town, try and find a pub.

0:27:480:27:51

Any of you want to go and try and find a pub?

0:27:510:27:53

Want to go and try and find a pub?

0:27:530:27:56

Want to go and try and find a pub?

0:27:560:27:59

Want to go and try and find a pub?

0:27:590:28:02

Want to go and try and find a pub?

0:28:020:28:04

Want to go and try and find a pub?

0:28:060:28:08

Mate, check him out, he's crashed out.

0:28:090:28:12

Mate!?

0:28:120:28:13

That'll be right!

0:28:150:28:17

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