Episode 2 Limmy's Show

Here,

you know how there's that one person that you just see everywhere?

You don't know them, you've never met them,

but you just see them all the time?

Well, see that guy there?

He's mine.

Welcome to Limmy's Show, my friend.

APPLAUSE

Hello, my name's Raymond Day and welcome to Paraside.

OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.

Can someone understand, please?

I have here in spirit an older gentleman...?

Whose brother has also passed to spirit?

And I have a strong feeling that he wishes to connect with

a lady in the audience.

You understand this?

My dad passed away and his brother, my uncle, had already passed.

Oh, that's tragic.

Well, there's only one of them here. I take it you've come for Dad?

It's Uncle.

But don't be downhearted. No doubt your father loves you,

but oh, oh, your uncle, oh, he likes you.

Oh, he likes you!

He follows you absolutely everywhere and watches over everything you do.

And I mean everything!

Like he's just showing me there like the time you were in the shower

and the water went cold, and gave you a fright?

Yeah, it does that sometimes.

Yeah, he was just standing there watching you as usual.

And then you screamed and jumped out your skin.

I think he got a bigger fright than you!

LAUGHTER FROM STUDIO AUDIENCE

And who are you, my love? Is this partner?

Yeah, this is my husband.

Husband, yeah, I'm getting the sense that your uncle

is so happy for you both.

He loves watching the two of you together.

You're such an affectionate couple.

But he's saying, "See him?

"He needs to spend more time with you".

Do you understand this?

He needs to spend more time with you.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

OK, it's a family show!

LAUGHTER

But most of all your uncle just loves to watch you sleep.

At the end of a long day when you kick off your heels,

peel off your clothes, and get into bed beside your husband.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Aw!

I'll leave his love with y... Oh, hold on.

Who's this?

We've got someone else coming.

It's Dad!

Dad's come through!

APPLAUSE

I can see that they're brothers, but there's one difference, isn't there.

-Em...

-There's that one big difference between them.

You can't remember?

Oh, the hair?

My uncle had a thick head of hair but my dad...didn't.

Sorry, Dad!

I see, so your dad was bald but your uncle wasn't?

Yeah.

Then I think I've got this mixed up.

That was your dad speaking. Why didn't he say?

Och, that's good, to be honest when I thought it was your uncle

watching you, I thought, "Oh, that's a bit creepy"!

Anyway, I'll leave their love with you.

APPLAUSE

Any of you into Westlife?

Westlife?

No, I know I used to think they were pish an' all,

but, got dragged along to one of their concerts one night,

was all the way down the front row next to the speakers.

Honestly, man. See the base that came out of those speakers

when they played Uptown Girl,

I was like that - "Get in there, man, get in".

Good by the way. Aye.

Some banter on 'em an' all, man.

Here, how good would it be if you could do this?

Eh?

GLASS SMASHES

I meant just me!

Thank you for joining us.

My name is Larry Forsyth, and with me is Dr Stuart.

This week Dr Stuart will be administering me with Dreadnought.

A drug first used during The Great War

because it provided the soldier with added bravery.

An hour and a half later, I was beginning to feel definite effects.

What are you looking at?

I'm looking at you, Larry.

Who do you think you're looking at?

I'm looking at you.

Where is it you think I'm looking?

Shut your BLEEP mouth.

Do you realise you're being quite confrontational?

Yes, I am. I apologise.

It's quite all right.

-Was it?

-Yes.

And what if it wasn't?

What if it wasn't what, Larry?

What if it wasn't all right?

What if you're not all right with the things I'm saying to you?

What the BLEEP would you do about it?

You're becoming quite aggressive again, Larry.

Yes, I am. I apologise.

And stop Larrying me.

Could you tell me what it is you're feeling,

what emotions are driving you at this moment?

I'm feeling the urge to strike you.

To strike your face and your body.

I see.

Do you think you could stop me if I tried?

I wouldn't like to find out.

Shall I take that as a maybe?

Larry.

I told you to not Larry me.

Do you feel that when I say your name..?

-Your wife is a floozy.

-I'm sorry?

You heard me.

My wife is a floozy?

-Oh, you've heard, have you?

-Larry, you're behaving...

-I told you not to Larry me.

-Larry.

Are you deaf?

Are you deaf?!

Could you sit down, please.

Why don't you try and make me sit down?

You're being rather frightening.

Your wife is a floozy.

I must ask you not to say that again.

Your wife is a floozy, your wife is a floozy,

your wife is a floozy.

'At this point in the experiment, I had to be subdued.'

Floozy!

A lot of shite, this place. A lot of shite.

I wish I could escape and get away from everybody. It's a lot of shite.

Fuck off!

I mean, everybody was steaming, right.

But Billy's dad, he's practically sleeping standing up.

Have you ever seen the video for...erm...Smooth Criminal?

Aye, aye.

Well, he's like this. Come here, come here.

Right, get round there.

Right, hold us up. He's like that.

Like there's some mad gale holding him up!

No idea of how he was managing it.

It's like his feet were, were glued to the deck.

You know but, phew,

I was in the same state by about twelve o'clock or - so I was told!

Right. I can't remember anything,

but what I can remember is thinking, it's a shame for Billy's dad

right, cos he's away, and he's totally, his mind...

The police have got a pure hard time, haven't they.

Who?

The police. Just get a pure hard time, don't they?

It's like nobody ever speaks to them, nobody ever, you walk past them

and they never speak to them and that, just give them pure

dirty looks but they're, like, the first people, if you're attacked,

they're like the first people you speak to, the first people you phone.

Like, mad, they come to your door, come to your door pure friendly

and all that, and my sister, she got burgled, she phoned,

they're straight at the door, friendly.

Aye, it's just - it's a shame for them.

Just nobody speaks...

Oh, I feel gallus, man.

-Oh, look who it is. All right?

-All right?

-All right?

How's things?

Not bad. Yourself?

Good, good, working away.

-Still doing scaffolding?

-No, I chucked that years ago. You?

I don't mean to be rude but I'm just going to go and book the classes,

-all right?

-Right.

Well, I was just doing the whole website thing.

I chucked that an' all. You still in Glasgow?

East End. It's all right.

I'm still in Partick.

Right. So...

What are you into these days?

I've got a secret hamster.

Keep it up in my loft.

She thinks I'm up there trying to fix a leak in the roof,

but, up there feeding it.

Giving it a wee clap.

Nobody knows?

Nobody.

My son got suspicious.

He was like that, "What leak, Dad? What are you doing up there?"

I says, "Son, you don't want to know".

He hasn't asked since,

I don't know what he thinks I'm doing but, it won't be that.

Yourself?

See, on my way to work, I pass this dump.

It's not a real dump. It's just like a bit of spare ground

-people use for...

-Fly tipping.

-Aye.

Well, see in there, there's this wardrobe, right,

It's been there for months.

I get in the wardrobe,

sometimes for ten minutes,

sometimes for ten hours.

Told her last week, last Friday,

"I'll be away working all weekend,

"not be back till Monday, working on the rigs".

I was in the wardrobe all weekend.

Fucking laughing my head off.

I've got to get one for the loft.

Get what for the loft?

-I better go. See you later, right.

-Right, see you later.

-Just something to fix that leak.

-Och, that leak!

I went to see a movie, everyone said it was great,

it's like 92 on Metacritic.

But it was, it was OK, it was just OK.

I got the new OS. Everyone said it's full of these great new features.

It's supposed to be better and faster, but it's not,

it's slower and worse!

I went to a gig. They're my favourite band.

I used to love them but they didn't sound the same!

They didn't sound good but everyone said they were great,

but they weren't! They were shit! Everything's shit!

Everything's shit, everything's changed! Everything used to be so good!

We said we'd all go travelling, my friends,

we'd go to Thailand and maybe Laos.

But no-one went, everyone's got jobs and mortgages

and now some of them are having kids!

Everything's shit! Everything's shit! Everything's shit!

Now he gets it.

Oh, I forgot - going to get a packet of paracetamol?

-Right.

-In fact get two.

Two!?

But they'll think I'm trying to top myself.

-Hi.

-Hi. Hiya!

All right. You all right?

Aye. Fine, thanks.

Fine, is that all?

I feel amazing, man. I feel amazing!

I feel, I feel, pure dead brilliant.

I feel br... I feel amazing.

I've got a wee bit of a headache, so I think I'll have two packets of...

two packets of...

Here, some day, isn't it? Eh?

Some day. I woke up this morning, I thought, "Some day, isn't it".

I know it was raining this morning but I love the weather.

I wake up and I think, "What's the weather got in store for me?"

and my family and my loved ones and my pals and all that.

Cos I've got tonnes of loved ones, and friends and family,

you know, that support me and all that.

I'm very lucky, I've got everything to live for, you know?

You know, I love the weather, but the thing is with the rain,

sometimes you don't feel like going out to the shops,

so it's good to stock up.

So for that reason I think I'll have no' one but two packets of...

Two packets of...

LAUGHS INSINCERELY

It's good to laugh sometimes, isn't it.

You know life, when you think about life..

You never think about life and you're like...

LAUGHS FALSELY

LAUGHS WILDLY

Look, mate, if I wanted to do it, I'd do this.

Can I have two packets of paracetamol, please?

He's sleeping right now, isn't it?

What?

It's just funny to think he's sleeping,

him from the... The Usual Suspects.

Who?

Kevin Spacey?

Aye, no, the other one, the other main one.

It isn't Kevin Spacey, what's his name?

Gabriel Byrne?

Aye, that's it, aye.

Funny to think he's sleeping right now, isn't it? Isn't it, funny

thinking he's sleeping right now, and I'm thinking about him.

He's in bed and I'm thinking about him sleeping.

Are you thinking about him sleeping?

Just lying in bed, like, dreaming and, it's funny to think,

imagine he's... and I'm thinking about him dreaming.

Funny thing, imagine, eh, he was dreaming about us,

thinking about him...about the films we've seen.

So...

Christine's pregnant.

Oh, really? Congratulations, mate.

When's it due?

30th August, we think.

Do you know what it is yet? Boy, lassie?

No, it's too early for that.

But listen we were thinking, if it is a boy,

we'll maybe name him after you.

No!

No, don't do that. Are you serious?

Aye, not in your honour or nothing,

but well, your name came up, and it's got a nice ring to it.

Seamus McPhee.

Seamus?

Aye.

But my name's not...

Oh, right, his name's Seamus McPhee.

You're using my name for his middle name?

No. That'd be a bit daft, eh?

Seamus, Seamus McPhee.

Seamus? All right.

His middle name is Seamus,

you're using my name for his first name, so it's Brian Seamus McPhee.

Brian?

Aye.

Why Brian?

I thought you said you were using my name?

Aye.... Oh, right, is your middle name Brian?

No.

What are you on about?

What are YOU on about?

My name's not Seamus.

Aye, it is.

Right, you're starting to freak me out now.

You're starting to freak ME out.

-What!?

-What?

Did you have a nice night?

Aye.

There's pasta in the microwave.

Thanks.

Seamus, have you got the number for...?

What did you say?

-I said have you got the number for...?

-Before that.

I just said your name.

(Which is?)

Seamus.

What's going on? Did he put you up to this?

Did who put me up to what?

-Seamus, what's...?

-Right, I'm off.

Can I have a room, please?

And is it just for the night, Seamus?

What?

Seamus, Seamus?

Seamus?

I hate that name! My name's not Seamus!

Can everybody stop calling me Seamus!

One day, they flip it, they just can't take it anymore.

So for the sake of your wean, please, don't call them Seamus.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yes, it is.

Ah, no, I'm not interested, thanks.

No, I'm not, I don't want to buy anything, thanks,

and could you take me off the database, please.

No. I'm not in...

What kind of clown porn?

What's that?

Hmm?

You know, that was funny when he was going like that, wasn't it.

Oh, Billy's dad?

Aye!

Aye.

Honk honk!

Make this one the last and we'll head out, right?

Aye.

Look at that. Look at the head on it.

Oh, you know what that reminds me of? That foam party.

Foam party?

Hogmanay 1999? Remember that Ibiza-themed foam party at the pub?

Oh, aye!

Mind the guy who got skooshed in the eyes with the foam machine?

Mind, he was like that? "I cannae see, I cannae see!".

Aye.

No, you're not looking.

Mind, we used to do impressions of him.

-"I cannae see, I cannae see!"

-Aye.

No, look, you're not looking at me. Right, watch. Right, mind.

-"I cannae see, I cannae see!"

-Is this ever going to go down?

Look at me!

Oh, I'm looking!

"I cannae see, I cannae see!"

Ah!

Guys, do you watch Coronation Street?

What?

Do you watch Coronation Street?

Aye, sometimes.

Getting brilliant right now, ain't it?

I don't know, mate. I don't... I don't watch it enough.

Aye. It's getting pretty good right now.

There's that storyline with what's his name.

Eh, what's his name?

Here, any of you watch Coronation Street?

Wait, I forgot to get tinned tomatoes - sorry.

That's OK.

So, erm...

..what's your thing?

My thing?

Aye, your thing.

Every Thursday, I pull down the shutters...

phone the wife, tell her I'm stock-taking.

But you're not.

I strip off.

Grab a basket,

walk around, sticking things in.

That's good. But you know what you could do?

What?

Watch back the CCTV for that day,

go up next to where people were standing,

go like that to them - "All right, sir? Two for one.

"Can I help you, madam? Tinned tomatoes? Oh, right here."

Like you usually would.

But wi' your cock out.

I'm doing that.

I'm doing that tonight.

Doing what tonight?

Eh, watching the game on that.

Oh, right.

'Fucking was walking through the park,

'and I spots this helluva familiar face.

'It was him, him that does the news.'

Here, you're him. Aren't you?

I hope so!

'And I thought, here, he'll be on the news at 6pm, live,

'and here he is right in front of you.

'Dee Dee, this is your chance to get on the telly,

'cos I'm not a violent man but if I was,

'I could break his nose.

'Come six, everybody watching would be like that,

"What happened to his nose?"

'And I'd be like that.' That was me.

'Or I could pull out my lighter, like I'm having a fag,

'and burn his hair.

'Everybody watching would be like that, "What's with the hat?".

'I'd be like that.' That was me.

'Or I could just say to him, "Here, fancy going mental

'and getting a tattoo?"

'Everybody watching would be like that - "Has he went mental?".

'And I'd be like that.' That was me.

'Well, none of that happened, but it didn't have to,

'because when he was making his exit, he tripped up like a dully'in.'

Ha!

'That night he knew I was watching,

'and there on his face, behind the mad fake smile,

'was something worse than any tattoo -

'Embarrassment.'

That WAS me.

Och, here, listen. How's it going, mate? I'm sorry,

I see you everywhere. What's your name, my man? I'm Limmy.

No chance.

Oh, sorry, mate.

It's all right.

-They should have a wee sign telling you which armrest's yours, eh?

-Aye.

So er...

What's your thing?

What?

What's your thing?

My what?

The thing, what's your thing?

Mate, I don't have a clue what you're talking about.

Ha, don't mind me, mate. I'm off my nut.

Here, any of you want a game of I Spy?

Nah, mate.

No, that's cool, I'll play myself. Play myself.

Right. Er...

I spy with my little eye something beginning with...

wallpaper.

Hm?

Here, I feel like a spin.

Woah!

What are you doing, you mad man?

Sorry, you know how sometimes you feel like a wee spin?

EXHALES DEEPLY

A wee orange juice for the lady?

What?

A wee lady's orange juice for yourself?

Away you go, back and drown in your pint.

What?

-What?

-Well, he got a reaction out of you!

You've got to give him that.

You gave him exactly what he wanted, you played right into his hands.

What are you doing, you wee fanny?!

Well, you played right into their hands.

You gave them exactly what they wanted.

They got a reaction out of you, you've got to give them that!

Did you hear the client picked my designs? No luck.

Aye, well, yours were a wee bit safe.

Aye, the client picked my design.

Aye, cos they shat out of it.

Aye, they picked my designs.

Oh, shut up!

Well, you gave her exactly what she wanted!

You played right into her hands!

She got a reaction out of you, you've got to give her that!

Who is that guy!?

Who's who?

Oh, I see! He's in my mind!

What?

What was that all about?

What sort of sketch is that?

Well, he got a reaction out of you!

You gave him exactly what he wanted, you've got to give him that!

You played right into his hands!

Ah!

Here, funny to think, mate...

Listen, it's about eight o'clock in the morning now,

so do you mind just phoning yourselves a taxi?

No bother, mate. I'm just going to head into town, try and find a pub.

Any of you want to go and try and find a pub?

Want to go and try and find a pub?

Want to go and try and find a pub?

Want to go and try and find a pub?

Want to go and try and find a pub?

Want to go and try and find a pub?

Mate, check him out, he's crashed out.

Mate!?

That'll be right!

Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd