Episode 4 Limmy's Show

Welcome to Limmy's Show.

But this is a Limmy's Show like nae other

because this is Limmy's Show Live.

That's right, we are live right now, so as well as all your favourite

pre-recorded sketches like Dee Dee and Jacqueline,

we're going to be trying out a live sketch for you this evening.

There's all the cast and crew getting things ready.

There's Paul, Alan and Kirstin going over their lines.

Youse all set, youse all ready?

Well, they're ready for their close up, but are you?

That's right, we could be going live into your living room tonight.

Tonight, the star of the show could be you!

And we've got some other goodies lined up for you this evening,

so stay tuned.

And remember, it's live telly!

Anything can happen!

Well, in the name of St Jude,

Patron Saint of Lost Causes, who have we here?

What?

I've been looking for you.

Who are you?

I go by a few names, but you can call me friend.

What do you want?

To help.

Help?

What have you got, a rope?

Fucking do it in that tree right now!

No. All I've got is an offer.

What kind of offer?

Do you ever wish you could just go right up into those clouds,

and soar like an eagle till somewhere catches your eye,

and land in a new place, with new people.

A fresh start. A second chance.

Do you ever wish for something like that?

Every day.

Then let's go.

I'm sorry, mate. I didnae see your chopper land when you arrived.

We don't need a chopper.

Look, who are you?!

I told you, a friend.

Aye, right. Listen I don't have any friends, so just piss off.

I respectfully disagree but, I'll leave you in peace. God bless.

No, wait.

You can really...?

And I'm no imagining this?

You can take me anywhere I want.

Anywhere, but with one catch.

Once you make your decision I won't be back if you change your mind.

Right, I see.

Can I have a minute to decide?

You could, or you could decide up there.

-You're not going to drop me, are you?

-No.

Here, you're not going to dump me up on the moon, just for a laugh?

Now, there's an idea! No.

All right. Well, in that case, there's only one thing left to say.

Fly!

Sorry, mate. I was just, I was just joking.

Sorry.

Here, at the end of the day, a fanny's a fanny.

CREEPY MUSIC

Thank you for joining us.

My name is Larry Forsyth, and with me is Dr Stuart.

This week, Dr Stuart will be administering me with Carousel,

a drug that became popular amongst the poor of Victorian-era England,

as a cheaper alternative to the funfair.

'An hour and a half later, I was beginning to feel definite effects.'

Can you hear that?

Hear what?

The lights in the studio are producing the most wonderful

kaleidoscope of sound.

And visually?

No, visually, the drug appears to have no effects.

The studio appears to be quite... oh, oh!

Yes?

When I do this with my head... there it is again.

Could you tell me what it is you're experiencing?

When I do this with my head, the lights and sounds spin around me

in a most wonderful manner, like I am on a merry-go-round

of a kind I have never experienced before in my life.

Mother!

Mother?

Pardon?

You uttered the word "Mother".

Did I?

Yes, Mother was there,

she was waving at me as I was going round and round.

But now that I have stopped, she, she's gone.

Ah, there she is.

Larry, there is nobody there.

There is, they're, they're all there.

It, it, it's fading, it, it's slowing, slowing down.

Careful, Larry.

No, no, it's, it's slowing down.

Ah, there she is. Mother, Mother, I'm here!

Mother, Jacob! Jacob, Susanna, I'm here!

No, no, don't go! It's slowing down.

Don't go, Mother! No, no, no!

'At this point in the experiment, I had to be subdued.'

Jacob...

He's good.

And...

How's it going, Laura and Mark? You are live on Limmy's Show!

They're watching something else, they're watching something...

you couldn't make it up.

You couldn't make it up. Can we get them on the phone?

Can we get them on the phone and get them to turn over?

I don't know why they're not watching, we were told they were..

PHONE RINGS

We were told they were big fans of the show.

Hello?

How's it going, Laura? You're live on Limmy's Show! Turn over!

What?

Turn over.

Who is this?

Put the guy on.

Hello?

How's it going, Mark? You are live on Limmy's Show! Turn over, mate.

What?

Just turn over.

Ah!

Is she all right?

What's going on?

Your flatmate Kenny says you're big fans of the show,

so, here we are, are you up for a laugh? Where's Kenny?

It was fucking Kenny that did it!

Look, Kenny doesn't live here any more.

He got booted out for shit like this. Just leave us alone!

I told you it wouldn't stop.

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE BEEPS

Could you do me a favour?

When somebody goes to ask you for a favour,

what you want to do is outfavour them.

In fact, can you do me a favour?

What?

Do you think you could help me rip out my kitchen?

It's just that I've been meaning to get round to it for ages

but I've just not had the time.

I was thinking maybe me and you could get tore in

about Saturday morning.

I know you said you're going out on the piss on Friday night,

but there's nae better hangover cure

than a right good bit of grafting, isn't there no?

I'd do it myself but it's going to be back-breaking enough

for the two of us, never mind one, you know, taking stuff to the dump,

you know, going up and down, and up and down,

and up and down the stairs, and I'm three flights up, know what I mean?

I was thinking, you know, if we get started nice and early,

about five in the morning,

I think we'd be finished by midnight.

So, what do you say? Are you up for it?

No, I'm sorry, I cannae.

Oh, right.

Oh, well, aye, sorry, what were you going to say?

It doesnae matter.

Tenner!

20 quid.

Hunner.

The hoose, the wife, the wean.

Everything.

Watch this. He'll give us a wee fright. Right. Watch.

A fanny's a fanny.

Oh, here, I'm away for a fag.

I don't smoke.

Welcome to your live sketch for this evening.

This one's called The Cocktail Party.

Let the story commence.

Oh, this is a nice party.

Aye, very civilised.

Whose is it?

Nae idea.

Me neither.

I got the invite, I got the invite sent through...

but I never... This is a nice party.

Aye, very civilised.

Whose is it?

Nae idea.

Me neither.

I got the invite sent through but it never said whose name was on it...

The name of the... party...and...

And...

Neither did mine.

-No. Nor mine.

-Nor mine.

Hey, were you about to say something?

Aye.

Aye.

No, I'm sorry. I cannae do this.

Just joking, mate.

'Hi. It's me.

'Yoo-hoo.

'Your mind.

'Don't pretend you're sleeping, I know you're awake.

'I just thought, seeing as you're awake,

'we might want to have a wee think about some things.

'Some things you don't have the time to think about during the day.

'Some concerns.

'Some worries.

'How are you for money? Are you all right?

'Some mortgage you've got yourself there, eh?

'Are you sure you're going to cope?

'How long have you got left on it, 20 year?

'A lot can happen in that time.

'People out of work everywhere. How you going to cope?

'Have you got enough? What if, you know what I mean? What if?

'How you going to cope?

'Here, forget about that, it's only money.

'It's only money. As long as you've got your health.

'Here, speaking of health, not long now, eh?

'Getting on a bit, eh? Getting old.

'Not long now, you're practically halfway through it.

'More than halfway, if you chop the last bit off,

'the bit that's no worth living.

'Have you done enough, do you reckon? Done enough with your life?

'If you got hit by a bus tomorrow, do you think you've done enough?

'Are you happy?

'Aye? Naw? Naw?

'Och, who cares about the past? You've got it all ahead of you,

'years ahead of you, you and her and the wean.

'Here, what about her? Is she happy?

'Happy with you?

'Here, I wonder who's gonnae die first.

'Got to be somebody.

'You've seen what that does to people? Loss, bereavement.

'Christ, pray you go first.

'Might be sooner than you think,

'I just hope you're happy when it comes.

'Naw, you've got years ahead.

'Years to chip away at that mortgage.

'Listen, I can see you're trying to get to sleep, so I'll let you go.

'Food for thought, though, eh? Food for thought.

'Night-night.'

DANCE MUSIC

And...

It's the sleeping guy.

It's the sleeping guy, ha ha.

You really couldn't make this up, you couldn't write it.

What's his, what's his name?

Owen.

Owen, wake up, mate!

Owen, wake up!

He's not got us on either!

You really couldn't make it up, eh?

You couldn't make it up.

Listen, sorry about that, folks, enjoy the rest of the sketches.

We'll be back in just a minute wi' Owen.

..bothering to check, why you're putting him on when he was sleeping?

He's not even watching either.

I'm, I'm what?

Just a wee joke there.

We're goi...

God, I'm so knackered.

We were at the hospital till three this morning.

How is your dad?

Well, that's why we were all there. He died.

Really? I'm sorry to hear that, mate. Are you all right?

Aye, I'm fine, I just, maybe just too tired to take it all in.

Look the funeral's on Thursday and I was just wondering

if you fancied coming?

When somebody tries to get you to go to a funeral,

what you want to do is outfuneral them.

Oh, that reminds me, my auntie died.

Oh, God, you're joking.

No, my auntie, erm, Fluorine.

The funeral's on Saturday, I'd love for you to come.

See, the thing is, I've written a speech but I'm nae good

at public speaking, you know,

and I'd love for you to read it out for me.

It's only about 10,000 words, but the thing is

the funeral's in Portsmouth and thought,

you know, 14 hours on the Megabus,

that'd gie you plenty of time to tackle it, wouldn't it?

So what do you say, mate?

Are you up for it?

I'd be honoured.

Shit!

Yer maw.

Yer maw.

Yer maw.

He is good.

Now that wasnae me.

Now that wasnae me.

Now that wasnae me.

Now that wasnae me.

Now that wasnae me.

All right?

You're watching Adventure Call.

My name is Falconhoof and I will be your guide on your quest.

And it's a special quest this evening,

as we try out for the very first time Smellyvision,

using the Adventure Call scratch and sniff cards

available to purchase at all good newsagents.

So let us begin. Greetings, line three? What is your name, traveller?

That's me. Dad, that's me on now!

All right, Falconhoof? My name's Emma.

Greetings, Emma. Are you ready to begin your quest?

No, not yet, I cannae find the card.

Going to check, going to just stand up and check.

I told you I got them. My dad was sitting on them.

Ah, buried treasure, so to speak. Are you ready to begin?

Aye. That's me now.

Very well.

You have been poisoned by Voldesad, your eyesight is fading.

You must use your sense of smell to help you find the only known cure,

the white dragon rose.

Right.

Traveller, on card number one there is a panel for west

and a panel for east. Scratch out these panels and follow your nose.

All right. Right. I'm scratching out west..

East.

Oh!

And what do you smell?

It smells of shite.

It shouldn't, em...

Hold on.

Dad, did you fart on these?

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, you're disgusting!

My dad farted on them. They smell of shite!

OK, would you like to cancel the game?

No, no I might not get on again. I'll sniff it again, hold on.

It's smells like my dad's done a shite,

but east smells flowery like he sprayed air freshener after it.

You go east.

Your nose leads you to the white dragon rose.

You pick it up, but you must run, for you feel the presence of...

A dragon.

Quickly, traveller! Scratch out the north and south panels

of card two and run away from the smell of the dragon.

Not again!

Oh, this one's worse!

What does a dragon smell like? Is it like fire?

Yes.

I've to run away from it?

Yes.

Head north, then. North smells of farts,

but south smells like when my dad farts after a fag.

You run north.

In your haste, you drop the white dragon rose.

You must find it fast, for you are now completely blind,

but be careful where you step. Nearby is the ogre's latrine.

What's a latrine?

It is a kind of toilet.

Oh, no!

This is the last card traveller, card number three.

Scratch out east and west, avoid the ogre's latrine and you will win.

Right. Oh. It's stinking and I've not even sniffed it yet.

Oh, Dad, what did you do that for?

Oh, my dad's just farted again. I cannae do it. I cannae do it.

I understand.

No, no, no, I've got to. Right, west.

Oh!

Can you smell the flowers, yes, would you like to go west?

I don't know. I'll scratch east.

-You don't have to...

-East.

Oh!

(VOMITS)

DIAL TONE

Let's take another call.

Welcome back to Limmy's Show Live.

This bit was meant to be,

we were going to take the cameras out into the street.

Go up to people, give out prizes, and broadcast it all live,

but apparently you need permission from the council,

you need to write away for permission, two weeks in advance,

and nobody here bothered to do that.

Nobody here bothered to do that. So, so there you are.

There you are.

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

'Fucking walked past a charity shop,

'the guy was like that, "Just take it".

'The lassie was like that, "I've told you, we're shut,

'"come back tomorrow".

'The guy was like that, "No".

'I thought, "Here, Dee Dee, look what Lady Luck's

'"just dropped on your lap."

'"A big black bag full of all sorts going to waste.

'"Get it up the road."

'I thought... Cool.

'Trooped up the road with my goody bag.

'It was like Christmas had came early. But what was I getting?

'Gave it a wee squeeze.

'It was soft, like a bean bag.

'I thought, "Here, maybe it's... a bean bag."

'But it had hard bits, bumpy bits like... a bean bag.

'But a bean bag full of games.

'And I rattled the wee metal bits, like maybe it was, I don't know...

'The suspense was killing me, it could be anything, man.

'Opened it up, clothes.

'Nae games, nae bean bag, fucking clothes.

'Not even the kind I could wear. Nae trainers, scants, nothing.

'Just all this smart gear for folk want to be all paint the town red.

'And that got me thinking,

'"Here, Dee Dee, I bet these clothes have seen a night out or two, eh?"

'Pubs, clubs, cocktail bars.

'These clothes have had more of a life than you my man.'

Shut up!

'But listen, they are yours, your clothes.

'Stick them on and this could be the night of your life.'

Aye.

'So I battered on the top hat and tails, the Sunday best,

'and I headed up the town.

'Turning heads wherever I went.

'Folk beeping their horn, giving us a wave.

'"You wanting a lift up that town?" And I was like that...'

No, I'll get youse up there.

It's a beautiful night, I feel like a stroll, youse roll on.

'And I gets to the club, gets to the bouncer.'

How's it going, my man?

Oh, not tonight, my friend.

What? How no?

Can't let you in with trainers, mate.

Cool.

How's that do you?

In.

'I gets in.

'The place was bouncing, everybody's mad with it. Tunes were amazing.'

# Dr Jones, Jones, calling Dr Jones... #

'Met up with all the old crowd, faces I hadn't seen for ages.

'Not to mention some new faces and all.

'Took care of some business.'

Any sweeties, mate?

'And I had myself a wee dance.'

# Ah-yippie-yi-yeah

# Ah-yippie-yi-yeah

# Ah-yippie-yi-yeah-ah. #

'But by the end of the night, things turned ugly.

'The demon drink turned pal against pal.

'Nae sooner had I broke up one fight then another had started.'

Oh, fuck this. I'm out of here, man.

'The night was over, or so I thought,

'because as I was making a bee-line for the door,

'I saw a sight that stopped me dead.'

'A lady.

'A lady of the highest calibre.

'Didn't know where to look, but she took me by the hand,

'confidently, and led me out.

'And we walked but didnae talk.

'What was happening was more than words.

'I could see she was Baltic so I gave her my jacket.

'And walked her to her door.

'She gave me the come on.

'But I was a gentleman.'

You're drunk, ask me next time.

'And we parted with a smile.

'What a night, the club, my pals and her.

'I never did get her name. I hope to see her again.

'And I've got a feeling I just might.'

Hi, there. Hey, how's it going, how's your afternoon?

Chuggers. What you want to do is outchug them.

Hey!

Hi, so have you got a minute?

Aye, no bother.

Hi, so, my name's Caroline and I'll cut to the chase,

I'm collecting for charity, obviously, and...

Hold on. Is this for an illness?

Yeah.

That kills people?

Yeah.

Will it kill me?

Maybe.

Maybe? Why would I want to give you money to help stop an illness

that might not be the one that kills me?

Am I not best to give my money to help stop the one that will?

But you don't know what one will kill you.

You're right, I don't, but I will.

One day the doctor will sit me down and tell me.

And I'll want all my money going on that.

Hmmm. I guess that makes sense.

No, it doesnae, because it's going to take a hell of a lot more

than just my money to find a cure.

I need your help.

Huh?

Well, you just asked me to give you money to help stop an illness

that might not kill either of us.

Now it's my turn to ask you to give some money to help stop the illness

that definitely will kill me.

I need your help.

Just whatever you can afford.

God bless.

Hey buddy, you think you've had a bad day?

Today I had to tell my kids I've got a tumour.

STIFLED LAUGHTER

Hey, you know, you're a real S. O. B.

He's good.

Fannies are...

Right.

But you did it with him. You did it with him!

How come you won't do it with me?

Welcome back to Limmy's Show Live. We've heard he's awake,

we've heard he's got us switched on so...

How's it going, Owen? You're live on Limmy's Show!

How's it going, mate?

Your dad put you up to it, says you're a big fan of the show.

How's it going, mate?

Can you hear us, mate? I know you can because I can hear the telly.

Give us a wee wave if you can hear us.

Right, so you can hear us. How's it going, mate?

Mate, I've had a pretty bad night,

it would be good if something went well for a change,

fancy not just sitting there and just smiling. How's it going, mate?

Your dad's a prick!

What?

Aye, that got you talking, eh? I knew this was a bad idea.

What did you say about my dad?

Oh, shut up, you.

No, you shut up!

No, you shut up, you shut up, you shut up, you shut up, you shut up,

you shut up, you shut up, you shut up! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Has he switched us off?

Right, wait until he switches us back on, right.

You shut up, you shut up. Ha-ha.

I'm in your living room telling you to shut up.

You shut up, you shut up!

Ha-ha.

It's no funny we'll probably have to pay for that.

Oh, you shut up and all.

Well, folks, that's the end of the show.

Yaaaay.

Yaaaay.