Episode 5 Limmy's Show

GAME BEEPS

Welcome to Limmy's Show.

GAME BEEPS

-EXPLOSION IN GAME

-Oh, fff...

APPLAUSE

Hello, my name's Raymond Day, and welcome to Paraside.

OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.

Could someone understand, please,

I have here in spirit someone who has come through for a loved one

who has been trying to make contact desperately, for a long, long time.

Erm...

You, honey?

We've, eh...

we've been trying to get in touch with our wee sister

for quite a while now.

It's maybe sister, OK.

Well, can you understand then,

why she's telling me about a wall...

or a fence?

Well, I painted the garden fence a few months ago.

That's it, because she's telling me,

"Oh, I hate that colour!"

LAUGHTER

It's her. It's sister. It's baby sister.

She's come through.

-She's come through at last.

-AUDIENCE AHHS

And she's telling me now just how hard it's been,

because you've never had the chance to say goodbye.

And since then you have been to every psychic, every medium,

every clairvoyant in town.

-Is she trying to make me jealous?

-LAUGHTER

No, she's saying you have been around the block with no luck,

just trying to find out that she's all right,

to let her know that your thoughts are with her,

and to say goodbye.

Oh.

Oh, no. That's not nice.

-Oh, that's not nice at all.

-AUDIENCE OOHS

-HE LAUGHS

-It's not her!

We have ourselves an impostor! Someone's having us on!

-LAUGHTER

-He's saying...it's a man! I thought she looked like a man,

-I didn't want to say...

-LAUGHTER

He's saying, "Ha-ha-ha!

"You thought I was your sister!

"You thought I was your daft wee sister!"

Oh, he is...he is terrible!

He's saying, "You will never get to say goodbye.

"You will never make contact, because every time you do,

"she's been asking me, 'Have they been in touch?'

"and I've been telling her 'No. Some family you've got!'"

Oh, he has...he has got a mean streak!

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, and that's him away.

Och, I'm going to kill him!

If he wasn't dead already, I'd kill him!

I'll leave her love with... oh, well, I won't, sorry.

-Bye for now.

-APPLAUSE

Well, we've had a look at your CV...

If you can call it that.

There are some details missing.

I mean, you've worked for some great companies, fantastic references,

but you haven't given us details of what you did there.

And you haven't even put your name.

But we'll come to that later.

So let's just start with, why do you want the job?

EERIE MUSIC

HYPNOTIC WHIRRING

I tell you what,

we'll take you on.

What?

On a trial basis, for a year.

See how we get on, OK?

Bye for now.

What the hell did you do that for?

Tom, you didn't have that thing looking at you.

What is it you say again?

What is it you say again?

Hi, I've come for a haircut.

Hi, I'm here for a haircut.

I've came for a haircut!

It's a hairdresser's! What else are you there for?!

All right? Just take a seat, aye?

Just take a...? "How, what for?"

Just take a seat, aye? "What for?"

Cos...I've come for a haircut.

"Of course you've came for a haircut!" No...

Three guesses what I'm here for!

-HE LAUGHS WEAKLY

-Oh, no!

Hiya.

Haircut?

What do you think I'm here for?!

OK, just take a seat.

What for?

What?

HE WAILS

SHOWBIZ MUSIC PLAYS

And...

Stop! Stop the music!

MUSIC STOPS Where is he?

Limmy! Where are you?

'I'm in here.'

Are you OK?

'Eh...no.'

Are you...you not feeling well?

'No, not feeling well. I feel a wee bit sick.

'Got my head down the toilet here. Just give me a minute.'

OK, sorry.

GAME BEEPS

Oh, come on!

Thank you for joining us.

My name is Larry Forsyth, and with me is Dr Stuart.

This week, Dr Stuart will be administering me with Pandaemonium,

a drug that became popular amongst artists in the 19th century,

due to its ability to produce vivid, dreamlike visions.

'An hour and a half later, I was beginning to feel definite effects.'

HE WAILS

Could you describe what it is you're seeing?

HE WAILS

Larry?

HE WAILS

Larry, are you all right?

HE WAILS

Larry, do you think that you could come out,

so that we can continue the experiment?

HE WAILS

'At this point in the experiment, I had to be subdued.'

HE WAILS

Excuse me sir, can I have a look inside your suitcase, please?

Shit!

If you do a crime, but you can't do the time...

try some mime!

I'm quite shite, though.

So, eh...

..how are you coping?

Not too good.

I can understand that.

I mean, your dad was a decent guy, mate.

-Aye.

-When I heard the news,

I thought I'd nip round to see how you were doing.

Listen, I'm expecting a phone call from a client in a minute.

Do you mind if I take it?

Erm...

Och, no.

No, I'm sorry. Forget it.

Ta.

So, what happened?

I mean, the last time I spoke to you, you were saying your old man

was just going into hospital for an operation on his leg,

but, something went wrong.

What happened?

Well, he'd went in for the operation,

they gave him a blood transfusion.

It gave him AIDS.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGTONE

-# We're going to ring-a-dang-a-dong for a holiday... #

We couldn't believe it.

He was only meant to be in and out in a week to get his knee fixed.

Next thing he knows, he's getting told he's got HIV.

-PHONE CONTINUES PLAYING SONG

-Said they could give him pills

to stop it progressing. So that gave us all hope.

# Put your arms in the air, let me hear you say... #

No, too late. Full blown AIDS.

PHONE STOPS That's terrible, mate.

I mean, hospitals are meant to cure you, not make you sick.

What did he die of? Was it pneumonia, or..?

No, I wish.

No, the lucky ones get pneumonia, but my dad,

the AIDS had got to his bones and his brain.

# We're going to ring-a-dang-a-dong for a holiday... #

We just had to stand by and watch his mind go.

My dad was a proud guy. He didn't like showing any weakness.

But there he was, greetin' like a wee lassie,

telling us all that he was scared and didn't know who he was any more.

-# Put your arms in the air... #

-Didn't know who we were either.

We were round his bedside,

but he may as well have been surrounded by strangers.

-# Put your arms in the air... #

-He died surrounded by strangers.

PHONE STOPS Listen, I know this is no consolation, but...

I mean, you might have been strangers to him,

but, I mean, surely it must be good,

you know, even to have a stranger hold your hand to send you off?

No, we couldn't even do that.

Were you not at his bedside?

No, we were.

But they'd amputated his arms.

# We're going to ring-a-dang-a-dong... #

Because of the bone thing, they said,

"Well, we could cut it out here. That might help it stop."

No, didn't work. They said,

"It's spread there. We're going to have to amputate."

Again and again, "We're going to have to amputate this,

"Amputate that, amputate, amputate," that's all I heard.

-# We're going to ring-a-rang... #

-Stripping my dad away to nothing.

And I had to sign the forms.

It was me who had to sign the forms to give permission,

-because of his brain thing.

-# Let me hear you say... #

He was just lying there, his arms and legs hacked off,

and he didn't know why.

# We're going to ring-a-rang-a-dong... #

And in the end, it was all for nothing.

# We're going to ring-a-rang-a-dong for a holiday... #

It was all for nothing.

Jesus, mate. PHONE STOPS

That's heavy. It's heavy.

Aye.

Well, thanks for nipping round.

I'll let you get back to your phone call, whatever it was,

and...thanks for the consideration, mate.

It's no bother.

Thanks for coming in.

We're going to have to let you go.

EERIE MUSIC It's been a year, and...

it's just that, well, you're never in.

And the only time you do come in

is when we ask you to come in to tell you that you're never in,

and you always... DRAMATIC CRESCENDO

Look, you don't do anything, right?

We're only a small company, we can't afford to...

DRAMATIC MUSIC

No, that's it. You have to go.

It's not fair.

SHE SOBS No, this is it! You have to go!

You have to! It's not fair! It's not fair!

All right!

Another year. We'll see how it goes.

We're going to have to do something.

JOLLY MUSIC

Sorry, this isn't a sketch.

I'm just having a cup of tea.

'There's a couple of mates...

'and then there's The Third Mate.'

Here listen, I've got to go for a pee.

All right, I'll go and get a round in, then.

Oh, no, don't be daft. It's my round.

Right, I'm coming to the toilet as well.

No' with me, you're no'!

So what do you make of Galatasaray then, eh?

-Who?

-Galatasaray.

-Erm...

-Oh, right.

You don't follow the football, don't you not?

No. How, who is he?

No, THEY. They're a team. They've beaten...

It doesn't matter. It's nothing.

Look, B'Elanna Torres with the...

Who?

The lassie with the red trainers,

she looks like B'Elanna Torres from Voyager.

Voyager?

Star Trek: Voyager. You don't watch it?

No, no, I don't watch Star Trek.

Is that the one with Dr Spock?

No, that's...that's the old one.

And it's...Mr Spock.

-What?

-Nothing.

No, she just, she's got the same forehead

as B'Elanna Torres from Voyager.

MAN: 'Alan McHugh?'

MAN: 'Kirstin McLean?'

Ta.

What can I get you?

A fish supper, please.

A couple of minutes for the fish.

No bother.

-INTERNAL VOICE

-'Who's this guy? Who's this guy?

'We've got a new kid in town.

'Hey, stranger, this town ain't big enough for both of us.'

FEMALE VOICE: 'I don't know, I like him, he's cute!'

'You shut your mouth! Who is he? What does he want?

'He's got to be running from some kind of trouble.

'Well, we don't want no trouble here.'

'I don't know, I like him, he's kinda cute.'

'You shut your mouth!'

'What's he doing? Why is he scratching?

'What's wrong with him?!'

-THIRD VOICE:

-'He's got fever! He's got fever! He'll kill us all!'

'We've got to get rid of him!'

'We've got to throw him down the pit with the others.'

-FOURTH VOICE:

-'What, like what you did with Reno?'

'You shut your mouth! Reno had fever!'

'He looked all right to me!'

'He had fever!'

'Maybe you got fever too!'

'We got to burn him, burn him!'

'I don't know, I like him, he's kinda cute.'

'You shut your mouth!'

There's your supper, pal.

'Where, where is he going? Where is he going?

'He's leaving! He's leaving!

'We can't let him leave! We can't let him leave!

'He'll tell the others about us!

'They'll come, they'll destroy our way of life.

'Our way of life that we've developed over centuries

'will be wiped out overnight!

'We can't let him leave!

'He's getting away! He's escaping!

'The prisoner is escaping!

'Get the dogs, somebody get the dogs! He's escaping!'

'He's got fever!'

'But he's kinda cute.'

JOLLY MUSIC

Do you mind? This is...this isn't a sketch.

This is my private and personal...

Oh, fff..!

MELANCHOLY MUSIC

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC

PARKA WHOOSHES

'Look, it's Jimmy Aitken from number 24.'

HE GRIMACES RASPBERRY SOUND

'And him that won't let you on the bus.'

HE GRIMACES RASPBERRY SOUND

'And your old schoolteacher, Miss Davidson,

'who stood by and did nothing.'

HE GRIMACES RASPBERRY SOUND

-And Mrs Black.

-HE GRIMACES RASPBERRY SOUND

-And Mrs Jackson.

-HE GRIMACES RASPBERRY SOUND

-And Mrs Bannatyne.

-HE GRIMACES RASPBERRY SOUND

HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES

Mum, Mum! It's the windy man again!

-So what do we do?

-Phone the police!

HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES

-Des is some laugh, eh?

-Aye!

THEY SIGH

Oh, come on, what is it? What is it you say again?

Hi, I've come for a swim.

Of course you came here for a swim! It's a swimming pool! Eh...

Hi, can I use your pool?

"No, you can't use the pool! You're barred!"

What do you think they're going to say?!

Let us use your pool, ya cow!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

-HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

-Three guesses what these are for, eh?

MELANCHOLY MUSIC

CAMERA CLICKS

CAMERA CLICKS

CAMERA CLICKS

HE SCREAMS

CAMERA CLICKS

CAMERA CLICKS

DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS

CAMERA CLICKS

HE SCREAMS

CAMERA CLICKS

CAMERA CLICKS

CAMERA CLICKS

DRAMATIC MUSIC

CAMERA CLICKS

YAY!

JOLLY MUSIC

HE SCREAMS

As you know, Stephanie's had a stroke.

I'm only surprised it never happened sooner.

Well, I don't plan on going the same way.

You're out.

HYPNOTIC WHIRRING

SINISTER MUSIC

Are you needing your bins emptied?

PUPPETS RATTLE THEY GRUNT

SLAPSTICK SOUND EFFECT

THEY SIGH

HE LAUGHS

You'd be better at it than me.

Oh, hiya! How are you, how are you...? No, no, no, no!

All right, my man? Fancy seeing you here!

No, no, come on! For God's sake! It's your dad.

-HE LAUGHS MANICALLY

-Where is he?! Where is he?!

-CAMERA CLICKS

-YAY!!

-CAMERA CLICKS

-YAY!!

-CAMERA CLICKS

-YAY!!

SAD SOUND EFFECT

Thanks for coming out, I know it was a bit short notice.

-No bother.

-I just needed to get out the house.

-How, is everything all right?

-No, not really.

We're going through a bit of a bad patch,

and something happened, and...eh...

And what?

Well, it's a bit personal.

No, no, no, no.

No, I want to talk about it. It's just...

I'll tell you later.

How, what's up with now?

Well, I'd rather wait until we're a wee bit more, you know...private.

Private?

JOLLY MUSIC

Oh, for God's sake! This isn't a sketch!

I'm out, I'm having a drink! Am I not allowed to just have a...?

Right, just wait until they've went, right?

JOLLY MUSIC CONTINUES

Aye, tell us later.

TASER ZAPS

Forget it.

All right...this is quite embarrassing.

This was supposed to be a sketch, a wee 30 second sketch,

but I wasn't able to write it. I didn't have the time.

Something came up, a family thing.

I don't want to talk about it, but I'm sure you understand.

So please take the remaining few moments

to imagine something funny happening here. Thank you.

GAME BEEPS

EXPLOSION IN GAME

INSPIRING MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

JOLLY MUSIC

-TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS

-Des!

THEY WEEP

GAME BEEPS

Well, folks, that's the end of the...

EXPLOSION IN GAME

Well, folks, that's the end of the show. Thanks for wa...