Part 1 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain!

You're simply the best!

Better than all the rest!

Better than any other country!

Any other country that I have ever met!

There's no reason to ever leave... Unless you need to go to the loo!

And yet they go. Do they go?

Yes, they do-do go!

Let us see what happens when we take Little Britain abroad!

Hammer time!

This programme contains some strong language

We begin our journey in Britain, where Lou Todd has some rather exciting news for his friend Andy.

Trisha's had her hair done.

Now, Andy. I've got a surprise for you!

-Yeah, I know.

-No, you don't know, it is a surprise.

-Yeah, I know.

You know the nice people from the church on Sundays?

I don't like them.

They like you because they organised a bring and buy sale

especially for you. They raised a lot of money.

They asked me where would you most like to go to in the whole world.

I said that's an easy one. Disney World.

Can I just have the money?

So we have to get your bag packed because, Andrew, we are getting on a plane this afternoon.

I'll miss Bargain Hunt.

Yes, you are going to miss Bargain Hunt but you're going to be in Disney World. Are you excited?

-Yes.

-You are going to go on the monorail, Space Mountain and all the characters are going to be there.

Who are you most excited about meeting?

Gordon the gopher!

Yeah.

In Paris, Ann is paying a visit to the Louvre.

At my age, I'm up all night visiting the Louvre.

You may not know about Ann.

Have you met Ann?

She's a keen admirer of Renaissance art.

When I asked her if there was anywhere she wanted to visit, she said, "Eh, eh, eh," meaning here.

The finest art gallery in the world.

What you need to do with somebody like Ann in a place like this, is just to let her roam free.

She's got to have her own relationship with the art.

ALARM BELLS SOUND

ANN SHRIEKS

I'll see you by the Rembrandts!

Along with France and Germany, Spain is one of Europe's Third World countries.

In Majorca, Carol Beer is the friendly face of Sun Searchers' holidays.

-Sun Searchers. Ah, this must be us, dear.

-Morning!

Morning.

HIGH PITCHED SQUEAKING

Hello, my name is Carol, I'm your rep.

Welcome to Spain.

If you look to your left, you'll see Spain.

If you look to your right, you'll see Spain.

Now, I'm here to make sure your holiday is fun, fun, fun.

Fun.

Any questions or problems, come to me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

-Yes, old man?

-Sorry, sorry.

My wife's feeling nauseous.

Is it possible to stop the coach for a moment so she can get some air?

-Gonzalez. Puede parar el bus.

Thank you.

Thank you. Excuse me.

-Oh! Oh!

-OK? All right?

Gonzales, vamos. OK, yeah.

It must be something you had on the plane or...

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! Hey! It's all right.

Myfanwy has left Landdewi Brefi to open a new bar here on the Greek island of Mykonos.

I went to Mykonos once, I loathed it.

Full of gays, me and my boyfriend got the first plane home.

Should be here by now.

Oh, Daffyd, welcome to Mykonos.

Bacardi and coke please, Myfanwy.

Coming right up. I can't believe it, you've actually left Landdewi Brefi.

I've travelled, I went on a geography field trip

to Merthyr Tydfil in 1987.

I'm so glad you're here.

Well, in the end, I had to leave Landdewi, it was no place for an out gay man.

-Don't be daft!

-I'm sorry, Myfanwy, but the homophobes there were very homophobic.

-Like who?

-Father Hughes, Sergeant Davis.

They're bum chums!

Oh, well Mr Teale, the fireman.

He's always sliding down some pole or other.

Mother never accepted it.

Your mother, she's been lezzing it up with my aunty Ruth for years.

My own mother?

Yes! She's mad for muff!

-What do you think of my bar?

-Bit poofy.

Well, it is a gay bar, Dafydd, and I want this place to be full

tonight so I need you to get down the beach and give out these flyers.

I'll be very surprised if you have any customers at all, Myfanwy, everybody knows I am the only gay...

You can't say that any more, Dafydd.

You're in Mykonos now, this town is teeming with todger.

Really?!

Yes, they'll be coming at you from all angles tonight.

It's going to be a jism jamboree.

Oh, God!

Aeroplanes were invented in 1972 by Dr Peter Aeroplane.

He and his wife Suzanne Helicopter invented many of the modes of air travel we enjoy today.

What are you watching, Andy?

Something about a plane.

Mr Todd?

-Yes, air stewardess.

-I've spoken to the captain,

he said it's fine for you to visit the cockpit.

Thanks for sorting it out for us.

It's very kind of you. You're very lovely.

-Right, well I'd better go and do...

-Sorry, where is the cockpit?

-It's at the front.

-Yes, yes, of course.

-OK.

We're getting off at Florida.

I know you are.

Are you going to Florida?

Yes. We're all going to Florida.

I'd better go and do the duty free.

Can I just say you look pretty in all your make-up.

Thank you.

You love her.

Our next stop...Rome.

I DO love Italian cuisine.

Alphabetti spaghetti and a cornetto, bellissimo!

Buona sera, signor.

Not a word!

Well!

We certainly packed a lot into today, didn't we?

Yes, dear. Did you find my tour of Rome informative?

Oh, yes, though I would have preferred a little less emphasis on Mussolini.

He's a very misunderstood figure.

Yes, he was a fascist dictator, but let he who is without sin cast the first stone, Judy.

-Yes.

-Well...

Time for Beddington!

-What are you doing?

-I thought we could keep each other company.

It will be like being back in girls' brigade.

Oh, well, I'll just go into the bathroom and put my nightdress on.

Don't be silly, Judy, you can get undressed here.

-Let me help.

-Oh...

SHE EXHALES

You have very firm breasts for a lady of your age, Judy.

Thank you, Maggie.

You can touch mine, if you like.

Ah...

I think I'm all right, actually.

Kiss me.

-Good night, Maggie.

-No, Judy.

Properly. Like this.

What's the matter, Judy, you're stiff as a board.

Well, Maggie, I am very flattered but...

it's not really my sort of thing. I... I have no issue with you being lesbian.

Don't be ridiculous...

I'm chairwoman of the local Conservative association.

It doesn't mean you're not lesbian.

Piffle, I'm not lesbian.

Now lie down on the bed and get those knickers off.

If one desires sexual relations with women, one is lesbian.

-Really?

-Yes.

You mean that I'm a...hm...

Are you all right, Maggie?

Get some air! Maggie!

This way - quick, oh!

Bleurgh!

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

In English, please.

After a continental breakfast of fizzy fruit, sweaty cheese

and some other stuff you don't know what it is,

Jerry and Evelyn are off to see their holiday rep.

-Good morning.

-It's not nine o'clock yet. I haven't started work.

Sorry.

Right...

We thought it might be rather nice to book an excursion.

Most people booked last night.

Well, if you hadn't driven off without us...

Are any tickets available for the concert in the square tonight?

Computer says no.

What about the boat trip, any places left on the boat trip?

There's one place left. Would you be prepared to swim alongside?

-I'm not a very strong swimmer.

-No.

What about the monastery?

-There's a lot of steps.

-Oh, well....

You're quite old, I don't want you dropping down dead on me.

Well, that's very thoughtful of you.

Are there any trips still available?

Legoland Windsor.

Is there anyone you could call?

I could try the Spanish rep, see if she's had any cancellations.

PHONE RINGS

-She must be busy.

-Si?

Tuvo alguna cancellation par uno les excursions?

La computadora dice que no.

When British people travel abroad, they always behave in an exemplary fashion.

That is a Briton is awaiting trial in this Thai prison must be a miscarriage of justice.

Oh, no, it's her!

-HE SPEAKS THAI

-..Vicky Pollard.

Vicky! SHE SPEAKS THAI

HE SPEAKS THAI

Hello, Vicky. I'm Charles Tate from the British Embassy here.

I came as quickly as I could.

You hardly need me to tell you that drug-smuggling is a very serious offence and if you're found

guilty you could spend the rest of your life in prison.

-No way!

-Vicky, I'm here to try to help.

Now, can you please explain to me how you came to have 10 kilos of heroin in your luggage?

God, this is like being back at school. I've never done nothing!

Let me tell you the whole thing.

We was up at the skating rink only Kerry never came cos she burnt her foot on Shaznay's straighteners.

But she wasn't even invited anyway cos she's like well gay cos she's only got three ASBOs

and one of those was because of going "urgh" at a social worker.

Right, but that doesn't explain how you came to have the drugs in your luggage.

I'm getting there!

God, I was just about to tell you!

So rude!

Anyway, this whole other thing happened

because we was all at the ice rink and they was playing this old song,

"In-form-ma, you no say daddy me snow me I'll go blame, a licky boom boom down."

And this bloke was like, "You're well fit."

I was like, "Shut up." No, I'm not, get a life."

Then I'm like, "Actually I'm like the fittest girl in Bristol."

Apart from Denise but then everyone knew she had a backstreet boob job

and now her tits look like the Mitchell brothers.

Did this man offer you money to take this suitcase through customs?

He said go to Thailand and bring this bag back and then

when I get home he's gonna give me 30 quid and get me in the VIP Room at Slappers and Fish Ponds.

Did he tell you that you're going to be transporting an illegal substance?

No, but yeah but no, he just told me it was heroin.

Well... It's not going to be easy but I'm going to do my best to get you out of here.

You better cos if you don't, you is well gonna get beatings

cos this place is full of perverts.

See that one over there with the gammy eye?

Last night I was in the shower and she spent the whole time totally staring at my chicken satay.

Well, Vicky.

The trial is scheduled to start on Thursday.

Have you thought yet about how you're going to plead?

-What's the one you say when you done it?

-Guilty.

What's the one you say when you done it but you don't want anyone to know you done it?

-Not guilty.

-Not guilty.

In Mykonos, ball-bag botherer Dafydd, is handing out leaflets.

In your dreams.

Not gay.

No.

Straight as a dime...

Oh, am I to be the only gay on this island?

What you got there, dear?

It's a flyer for a new bar that's opening, it wouldn't interest you.

Let's have a varder?

Oh!

Myfanwy's Place, looks fab. I'm seeing the boys later, we'll pop down.

-I should warn you this is a gay bar for gays.

-I had gathered, dear.

You would need to be a gay to get in.

I am a gay. I'm as gay as a gay can be gay.

-I'm a gay, a gay gay.

-Really?

Have you ever seen a man naked?

-Yes.

-Totally naked, in the nude, no clothes on?

-Yes.

-Not even socks.

-Yes.

-Really?

What was it like?

-Good.

-Yes, well, I don't...

Have you ever touched a man's winkle?

-Yes, of course I have!

-What was that like?

-Nice.

-Yes, well, I still don't...

What about a man's bottom, have you stroked one of those?

-Yes.

-What was that like?

Very nice too.

Oh, so nice.

What about...actually, I don't think there is anything else.

-That would be about it, wouldn't it?

-Oh, you poor thing.

Well, I'll see you later.

I don't think so!

-What is your problem?

-What do you mean?

I've watched you trolling up and down for the past half hour.

You haven't given a flyer to anybody.

I haven't seen anybody I can be sure is gay. But if I do, they will receive a leaflet. Good day!

And this here, that's our ground speed.

That is the ground speed?

-That's the ground speed.

-The ground speed, the old ground speed.

Andy, your friend Lou tells me you've always wanted to be a pilot.

-Yeah.

-Well, you need to work very hard.

In fact, you need a science degree. Do you have a science degree?

Have I got a science degree?

No.

No.

No.

Well, one thing a pilot has to do is make announcements to the cabin.

-Would you like to do that, Andy

-Oh, he'd love to.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I'd like to hand you over to our new co-pilot who has a message for you.

-Well, ah, thank you so much, Captain.

-You're welcome.

-I want to press a button.

-No, let's leave the nice captain to it.

-I want to press that red button.

-No, that switches the engines off.

We only press that when the aircraft has landed.

-Yeah, I know, I want to press it.

-It's been very nice meeting you.

Thanks again, Captain. Come along, now.

-Oh my God!

-Sorry.

SIREN BLARES

As part of a new Fat Fighters initiative, Marjorie Doors has been set to take a class here in America,

which is a small, shy, retiring country.

You don't hear very much about it.

They like to keep themselves to themselves and not get involved.

SOUTHERN ACCENT: Hello Fat Fighters!

Blimey, they told me America was full of fat people. They were not wrong, were they?

I mean my fatties may be big, but you are something else!

Look at you! I'll see what I can do.

OK, so, my name is Marjorie.

-Hello, Marjorie.

-Oh, we're lively!

I work at Fat Fighters in Britain.

Now, the first thing I always do is find out if we've got any new members!

-Have we got any new members?

-Hey, I'm new.

Blimey, you are big!

-And you're the sheriff of this town are you?

-That's correct, ma'am.

Oh, better watch what I say!

Welcome.

Join me at the front, my sweetness.

Yes, and we can try and find out just why you are the size of a house.

OK, what's your name, my love?

-Judy, ma'am.

-And Judy ma'am, why do you think you are so fat?

It's comfort-eating, I've been through a difficult time.

I've just got divorced and I'm on my own now.

Have you thought about lesbianism?

-What?

-There are a lot of fat lezzers.

-No.

-No.

Tell me, my sweetness, how old are you?

-47.

-You look older, OK?

I do mean that kindly.

So what advice have we got for a woman who's 47,

her husband's left her and she's so big she can't wipe her own arse.

-Excuse me?

-Yes.

When I was little, nobody told me I was beautiful.

Obviously.

Judy, I'm going to tell you something and I want you to keep it in your heart.

Get to the point, it's not Falcon Crest!

No matter what people say, you are beautiful.

You're not, but...

Anyone else got any advice for Judy to stop her becoming one of these superfatties?

The ones you see on the telly, lying naked in a room.

This is too much.

It's for your own good. Yes, my Latino friend.

Quit snacking.

-Sorry?

-Quit snacking.

-Say again.

-Quit snacking.

-Do it again?

-Quit snacking.

-Do it again?

-Quit snacking.

Oh, quit... No, do it again.

She said, "Quit snacking."

Oh, that's a good one.

Yes. Tell her thank you!

Yes, what's your name?

-Phil.

-Oh, you took that literally, didn't you?

Yes, so, Phil, what would you like to say to Judy?

There's a lot of great diet books out there.

I think the best one is Oprah's book.

It really helped me. I can lend you a copy, if you like.

No, don't. She'll only eat it!

That's enough! You're a very rude woman.

-What are you going to do, arrest me?

-I've got grounds to.

Racial discrimination of this lady here. Violation of my civil rights.

One more offensive comment, I'm taking you down to the station.

All right, Boss Hogg!

That's it. I'm placing you under arrest.

You have a right to remain silent.

If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used in evidence.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

You're still fat, though.

In Mykonos, it's opening night for Myfanwy's bar. Look at those two.

He's a gay, she's a lezzer, they're both morbidly obese.

Is this entertainment?

I'll have another Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy.

Where is everyone?

It's nearly midnight.

You didn't give any flyers out, did you?

How dare you? Of course I did.

-How many?

-Two.

-Two.

Yes, one to a five year old girl and one to a very nice nun I met in the village square.

Great. Just the right crowd for a gay bar!

-They might pop in.

-Thanks a lot, Dafydd.

An empty bar on my opening night.

I'm sorry, Myfanwy, but it looks like I am the only gay on the Greek island of Mykonos.

It's half past four poofs and a piano, and Carol Beer is on the war path.

I had a call from head office this morning.

-Yes?

-Apparently you've made a complaint about me.

That's right.

Saying that I've been rude and unhelpful.

Well, we have been...

A little disappointed.

A little disappointed with your attitude so far.

I tried so hard,

to make sure people have a good holiday, that's all I want.

And for someone to say I've been rude and unhelpful.

It's like a dagger through my heart.

I can never forgive myself.

I'd rather die.

Look, we certainly didn't mean to upset you like this.

SHE HOWLS

-We'll withdraw the complaint.

-Good.

Dirty shitters.

Bubbles De Vere spends the summer months jetting between the capitals of Europe.

This must be the one.

I'm here, darling!

Today, she has entered Monte Carlo.

I entered Monte Carlo once.

He was furious!

-Oui, madam?

-Is Ronnie baby in?

-And you are?

-Mrs De Vere, but call me Bubbles, darling, everybody does.

Was he expecting you?

Of course. We're old friends. He's invited me to stay for the season.

If madam could wait here one moment.

Ferrero Rocher.

He IS doing well!

Do I know you?

Excuse me, I'm just finishing a Ferrero Rocher.

-I'll just have one more.

-What are you doing here?

Well, don't say you don't remember me, darling.

Oh, he's always been so naughty with his jokey jokies.

It's me, darling, Bubbles.

We met at Phil Cool's.

-I've never met him.

-Phil Cool.

You must know Philly Cool?

-No, I don't know him.

-That's right.

Leave the little people behind.

Well, what are we waiting for me?

Champagne. Champagne for everyone!

Ah, I'm afraid I am going to have to ask you to leave.

But why? Your wife's not here.

I thought we could have a bit of "How's your father been?"

-Call the police.

-Oui, Monsieur.

Alone at last!

Very clever, darling.

Ferrero Rocher, a chilled bottle of Appletizer on the drinks trolley.

You've certainly set the scene for seduction.

If you leave now,

I promise I won't press charges.

Ever since I saw you as Timothy Lumsden on Sorry! I knew I had to have you.

Just bloody leave!

Lang-waj, Timothy!

Oh, you're so sexy!

Everything about you is so sexy!

# You don't even know what you've got!

# Mr Ronnie Cor-bott!

# Oh, yeah, yeah!

# And work it a little bit

# Get hot just a little

# And meet in the middle

# Let go just a little bit more

# Give me just a little bit more! #

Bit more!

The police will be here in five minutes.

Could they make it ten?!

Where's Mickey Mouse?!

So we conclude our journey abroad.

I'm not sure I enjoyed abroad.

I don't think I'll be going there again. Oh, there's another episode.

Well, I suppose I'll have to then! Till next time. Good bad.