Part 1 Little Britain


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Part 1

Christmas special of the sketch show starring David Walliams and Matt Lucas in which their grotesque comic creations are let loose overseas. Ronnie Corbett and Steve Coogan guest.


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Britain, Britain, Britain!

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You're simply the best!

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Better than all the rest!

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Better than any other country!

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Any other country that I have ever met!

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There's no reason to ever leave... Unless you need to go to the loo!

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And yet they go. Do they go?

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Yes, they do-do go!

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Let us see what happens when we take Little Britain abroad!

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Hammer time!

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This programme contains some strong language

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We begin our journey in Britain, where Lou Todd has some rather exciting news for his friend Andy.

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Trisha's had her hair done.

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Now, Andy. I've got a surprise for you!

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-Yeah, I know.

-No, you don't know, it is a surprise.

-Yeah, I know.

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You know the nice people from the church on Sundays?

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I don't like them.

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They like you because they organised a bring and buy sale

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especially for you. They raised a lot of money.

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They asked me where would you most like to go to in the whole world.

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I said that's an easy one. Disney World.

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Can I just have the money?

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So we have to get your bag packed because, Andrew, we are getting on a plane this afternoon.

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I'll miss Bargain Hunt.

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Yes, you are going to miss Bargain Hunt but you're going to be in Disney World. Are you excited?

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-Yes.

-You are going to go on the monorail, Space Mountain and all the characters are going to be there.

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Who are you most excited about meeting?

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Gordon the gopher!

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Yeah.

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In Paris, Ann is paying a visit to the Louvre.

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At my age, I'm up all night visiting the Louvre.

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You may not know about Ann.

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Have you met Ann?

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She's a keen admirer of Renaissance art.

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When I asked her if there was anywhere she wanted to visit, she said, "Eh, eh, eh," meaning here.

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The finest art gallery in the world.

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What you need to do with somebody like Ann in a place like this, is just to let her roam free.

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She's got to have her own relationship with the art.

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ALARM BELLS SOUND

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ANN SHRIEKS

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I'll see you by the Rembrandts!

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Along with France and Germany, Spain is one of Europe's Third World countries.

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In Majorca, Carol Beer is the friendly face of Sun Searchers' holidays.

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-Sun Searchers. Ah, this must be us, dear.

-Morning!

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Morning.

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HIGH PITCHED SQUEAKING

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Hello, my name is Carol, I'm your rep.

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Welcome to Spain.

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If you look to your left, you'll see Spain.

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If you look to your right, you'll see Spain.

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Now, I'm here to make sure your holiday is fun, fun, fun.

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Fun.

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Any questions or problems, come to me.

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Excuse me. Excuse me.

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-Yes, old man?

-Sorry, sorry.

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My wife's feeling nauseous.

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Is it possible to stop the coach for a moment so she can get some air?

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-Gonzalez. Puede parar el bus.

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Thank you.

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Thank you. Excuse me.

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-Oh! Oh!

-OK? All right?

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Gonzales, vamos. OK, yeah.

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It must be something you had on the plane or...

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Hey, hey, hey!

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Hey! Hey! It's all right.

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Myfanwy has left Landdewi Brefi to open a new bar here on the Greek island of Mykonos.

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I went to Mykonos once, I loathed it.

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Full of gays, me and my boyfriend got the first plane home.

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Should be here by now.

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Oh, Daffyd, welcome to Mykonos.

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Bacardi and coke please, Myfanwy.

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Coming right up. I can't believe it, you've actually left Landdewi Brefi.

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I've travelled, I went on a geography field trip

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to Merthyr Tydfil in 1987.

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I'm so glad you're here.

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Well, in the end, I had to leave Landdewi, it was no place for an out gay man.

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-Don't be daft!

-I'm sorry, Myfanwy, but the homophobes there were very homophobic.

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-Like who?

-Father Hughes, Sergeant Davis.

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They're bum chums!

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Oh, well Mr Teale, the fireman.

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He's always sliding down some pole or other.

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Mother never accepted it.

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Your mother, she's been lezzing it up with my aunty Ruth for years.

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My own mother?

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Yes! She's mad for muff!

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-What do you think of my bar?

-Bit poofy.

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Well, it is a gay bar, Dafydd, and I want this place to be full

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tonight so I need you to get down the beach and give out these flyers.

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I'll be very surprised if you have any customers at all, Myfanwy, everybody knows I am the only gay...

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You can't say that any more, Dafydd.

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You're in Mykonos now, this town is teeming with todger.

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Really?!

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Yes, they'll be coming at you from all angles tonight.

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It's going to be a jism jamboree.

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Oh, God!

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Aeroplanes were invented in 1972 by Dr Peter Aeroplane.

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He and his wife Suzanne Helicopter invented many of the modes of air travel we enjoy today.

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What are you watching, Andy?

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Something about a plane.

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Mr Todd?

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-Yes, air stewardess.

-I've spoken to the captain,

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he said it's fine for you to visit the cockpit.

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Thanks for sorting it out for us.

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It's very kind of you. You're very lovely.

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-Right, well I'd better go and do...

-Sorry, where is the cockpit?

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-It's at the front.

-Yes, yes, of course.

-OK.

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We're getting off at Florida.

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I know you are.

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Are you going to Florida?

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Yes. We're all going to Florida.

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I'd better go and do the duty free.

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Can I just say you look pretty in all your make-up.

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Thank you.

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You love her.

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Our next stop...Rome.

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I DO love Italian cuisine.

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Alphabetti spaghetti and a cornetto, bellissimo!

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Buona sera, signor.

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Not a word!

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Well!

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We certainly packed a lot into today, didn't we?

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Yes, dear. Did you find my tour of Rome informative?

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Oh, yes, though I would have preferred a little less emphasis on Mussolini.

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He's a very misunderstood figure.

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Yes, he was a fascist dictator, but let he who is without sin cast the first stone, Judy.

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-Yes.

-Well...

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Time for Beddington!

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-What are you doing?

-I thought we could keep each other company.

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It will be like being back in girls' brigade.

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Oh, well, I'll just go into the bathroom and put my nightdress on.

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Don't be silly, Judy, you can get undressed here.

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-Let me help.

-Oh...

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SHE EXHALES

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You have very firm breasts for a lady of your age, Judy.

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Thank you, Maggie.

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You can touch mine, if you like.

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Ah...

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I think I'm all right, actually.

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Kiss me.

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-Good night, Maggie.

-No, Judy.

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Properly. Like this.

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What's the matter, Judy, you're stiff as a board.

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Well, Maggie, I am very flattered but...

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it's not really my sort of thing. I... I have no issue with you being lesbian.

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Don't be ridiculous...

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I'm chairwoman of the local Conservative association.

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It doesn't mean you're not lesbian.

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Piffle, I'm not lesbian.

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Now lie down on the bed and get those knickers off.

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If one desires sexual relations with women, one is lesbian.

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-Really?

-Yes.

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You mean that I'm a...hm...

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Are you all right, Maggie?

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Get some air! Maggie!

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This way - quick, oh!

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Bleurgh!

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HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

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In English, please.

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After a continental breakfast of fizzy fruit, sweaty cheese

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and some other stuff you don't know what it is,

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Jerry and Evelyn are off to see their holiday rep.

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-Good morning.

-It's not nine o'clock yet. I haven't started work.

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Sorry.

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Right...

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We thought it might be rather nice to book an excursion.

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Most people booked last night.

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Well, if you hadn't driven off without us...

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Are any tickets available for the concert in the square tonight?

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Computer says no.

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What about the boat trip, any places left on the boat trip?

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There's one place left. Would you be prepared to swim alongside?

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-I'm not a very strong swimmer.

-No.

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What about the monastery?

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-There's a lot of steps.

-Oh, well....

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You're quite old, I don't want you dropping down dead on me.

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Well, that's very thoughtful of you.

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Are there any trips still available?

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Legoland Windsor.

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Is there anyone you could call?

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I could try the Spanish rep, see if she's had any cancellations.

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PHONE RINGS

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-She must be busy.

-Si?

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Tuvo alguna cancellation par uno les excursions?

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La computadora dice que no.

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When British people travel abroad, they always behave in an exemplary fashion.

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That is a Briton is awaiting trial in this Thai prison must be a miscarriage of justice.

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Oh, no, it's her!

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-HE SPEAKS THAI

-..Vicky Pollard.

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Vicky! SHE SPEAKS THAI

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HE SPEAKS THAI

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Hello, Vicky. I'm Charles Tate from the British Embassy here.

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I came as quickly as I could.

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You hardly need me to tell you that drug-smuggling is a very serious offence and if you're found

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guilty you could spend the rest of your life in prison.

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-No way!

-Vicky, I'm here to try to help.

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Now, can you please explain to me how you came to have 10 kilos of heroin in your luggage?

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God, this is like being back at school. I've never done nothing!

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Let me tell you the whole thing.

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We was up at the skating rink only Kerry never came cos she burnt her foot on Shaznay's straighteners.

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But she wasn't even invited anyway cos she's like well gay cos she's only got three ASBOs

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and one of those was because of going "urgh" at a social worker.

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Right, but that doesn't explain how you came to have the drugs in your luggage.

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I'm getting there!

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God, I was just about to tell you!

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So rude!

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Anyway, this whole other thing happened

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because we was all at the ice rink and they was playing this old song,

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"In-form-ma, you no say daddy me snow me I'll go blame, a licky boom boom down."

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And this bloke was like, "You're well fit."

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I was like, "Shut up." No, I'm not, get a life."

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Then I'm like, "Actually I'm like the fittest girl in Bristol."

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Apart from Denise but then everyone knew she had a backstreet boob job

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and now her tits look like the Mitchell brothers.

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Did this man offer you money to take this suitcase through customs?

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He said go to Thailand and bring this bag back and then

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when I get home he's gonna give me 30 quid and get me in the VIP Room at Slappers and Fish Ponds.

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Did he tell you that you're going to be transporting an illegal substance?

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No, but yeah but no, he just told me it was heroin.

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Well... It's not going to be easy but I'm going to do my best to get you out of here.

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You better cos if you don't, you is well gonna get beatings

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cos this place is full of perverts.

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See that one over there with the gammy eye?

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Last night I was in the shower and she spent the whole time totally staring at my chicken satay.

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Well, Vicky.

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The trial is scheduled to start on Thursday.

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Have you thought yet about how you're going to plead?

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-What's the one you say when you done it?

-Guilty.

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What's the one you say when you done it but you don't want anyone to know you done it?

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-Not guilty.

-Not guilty.

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In Mykonos, ball-bag botherer Dafydd, is handing out leaflets.

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In your dreams.

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Not gay.

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No.

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Straight as a dime...

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Oh, am I to be the only gay on this island?

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What you got there, dear?

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It's a flyer for a new bar that's opening, it wouldn't interest you.

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Let's have a varder?

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Oh!

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Myfanwy's Place, looks fab. I'm seeing the boys later, we'll pop down.

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-I should warn you this is a gay bar for gays.

-I had gathered, dear.

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You would need to be a gay to get in.

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I am a gay. I'm as gay as a gay can be gay.

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-I'm a gay, a gay gay.

-Really?

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Have you ever seen a man naked?

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-Yes.

-Totally naked, in the nude, no clothes on?

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-Yes.

-Not even socks.

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-Yes.

-Really?

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What was it like?

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-Good.

-Yes, well, I don't...

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Have you ever touched a man's winkle?

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-Yes, of course I have!

-What was that like?

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-Nice.

-Yes, well, I still don't...

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What about a man's bottom, have you stroked one of those?

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-Yes.

-What was that like?

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Very nice too.

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Oh, so nice.

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What about...actually, I don't think there is anything else.

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-That would be about it, wouldn't it?

-Oh, you poor thing.

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Well, I'll see you later.

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I don't think so!

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-What is your problem?

-What do you mean?

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I've watched you trolling up and down for the past half hour.

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You haven't given a flyer to anybody.

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I haven't seen anybody I can be sure is gay. But if I do, they will receive a leaflet. Good day!

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And this here, that's our ground speed.

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That is the ground speed?

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-That's the ground speed.

-The ground speed, the old ground speed.

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Andy, your friend Lou tells me you've always wanted to be a pilot.

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-Yeah.

-Well, you need to work very hard.

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In fact, you need a science degree. Do you have a science degree?

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Have I got a science degree?

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No.

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No.

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No.

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Well, one thing a pilot has to do is make announcements to the cabin.

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-Would you like to do that, Andy

-Oh, he'd love to.

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Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

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I'd like to hand you over to our new co-pilot who has a message for you.

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-Well, ah, thank you so much, Captain.

-You're welcome.

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-I want to press a button.

-No, let's leave the nice captain to it.

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-I want to press that red button.

-No, that switches the engines off.

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We only press that when the aircraft has landed.

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-Yeah, I know, I want to press it.

-It's been very nice meeting you.

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Thanks again, Captain. Come along, now.

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-Oh my God!

-Sorry.

0:18:390:18:43

SIREN BLARES

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As part of a new Fat Fighters initiative, Marjorie Doors has been set to take a class here in America,

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which is a small, shy, retiring country.

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You don't hear very much about it.

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They like to keep themselves to themselves and not get involved.

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SOUTHERN ACCENT: Hello Fat Fighters!

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Blimey, they told me America was full of fat people. They were not wrong, were they?

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I mean my fatties may be big, but you are something else!

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Look at you! I'll see what I can do.

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OK, so, my name is Marjorie.

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-Hello, Marjorie.

-Oh, we're lively!

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I work at Fat Fighters in Britain.

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Now, the first thing I always do is find out if we've got any new members!

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-Have we got any new members?

-Hey, I'm new.

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Blimey, you are big!

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-And you're the sheriff of this town are you?

-That's correct, ma'am.

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Oh, better watch what I say!

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Welcome.

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Join me at the front, my sweetness.

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Yes, and we can try and find out just why you are the size of a house.

0:19:500:19:55

OK, what's your name, my love?

0:19:570:19:59

-Judy, ma'am.

-And Judy ma'am, why do you think you are so fat?

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It's comfort-eating, I've been through a difficult time.

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I've just got divorced and I'm on my own now.

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Have you thought about lesbianism?

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-What?

-There are a lot of fat lezzers.

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-No.

-No.

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Tell me, my sweetness, how old are you?

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-47.

-You look older, OK?

0:20:220:20:24

I do mean that kindly.

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So what advice have we got for a woman who's 47,

0:20:260:20:31

her husband's left her and she's so big she can't wipe her own arse.

0:20:310:20:35

-Excuse me?

-Yes.

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When I was little, nobody told me I was beautiful.

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Obviously.

0:20:410:20:42

Judy, I'm going to tell you something and I want you to keep it in your heart.

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Get to the point, it's not Falcon Crest!

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No matter what people say, you are beautiful.

0:20:500:20:55

You're not, but...

0:20:550:20:58

Anyone else got any advice for Judy to stop her becoming one of these superfatties?

0:20:580:21:03

The ones you see on the telly, lying naked in a room.

0:21:030:21:06

This is too much.

0:21:060:21:09

It's for your own good. Yes, my Latino friend.

0:21:090:21:13

Quit snacking.

0:21:130:21:14

-Sorry?

-Quit snacking.

0:21:140:21:17

-Say again.

-Quit snacking.

0:21:170:21:19

-Do it again?

-Quit snacking.

0:21:190:21:22

-Do it again?

-Quit snacking.

0:21:220:21:24

Oh, quit... No, do it again.

0:21:240:21:26

She said, "Quit snacking."

0:21:260:21:28

Oh, that's a good one.

0:21:280:21:29

Yes. Tell her thank you!

0:21:290:21:33

Yes, what's your name?

0:21:330:21:34

-Phil.

-Oh, you took that literally, didn't you?

0:21:340:21:38

Yes, so, Phil, what would you like to say to Judy?

0:21:380:21:42

There's a lot of great diet books out there.

0:21:420:21:44

I think the best one is Oprah's book.

0:21:440:21:47

It really helped me. I can lend you a copy, if you like.

0:21:470:21:50

No, don't. She'll only eat it!

0:21:500:21:51

That's enough! You're a very rude woman.

0:21:510:21:55

-What are you going to do, arrest me?

-I've got grounds to.

0:21:550:21:58

Racial discrimination of this lady here. Violation of my civil rights.

0:21:580:22:02

One more offensive comment, I'm taking you down to the station.

0:22:020:22:05

All right, Boss Hogg!

0:22:050:22:08

That's it. I'm placing you under arrest.

0:22:080:22:10

You have a right to remain silent.

0:22:100:22:13

If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used in evidence.

0:22:130:22:17

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:22:170:22:20

You're still fat, though.

0:22:340:22:36

In Mykonos, it's opening night for Myfanwy's bar. Look at those two.

0:22:370:22:42

He's a gay, she's a lezzer, they're both morbidly obese.

0:22:420:22:45

Is this entertainment?

0:22:450:22:47

I'll have another Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy.

0:22:490:22:52

Where is everyone?

0:22:520:22:54

It's nearly midnight.

0:22:540:22:55

You didn't give any flyers out, did you?

0:22:560:23:00

How dare you? Of course I did.

0:23:000:23:02

-How many?

-Two.

-Two.

0:23:020:23:04

Yes, one to a five year old girl and one to a very nice nun I met in the village square.

0:23:040:23:09

Great. Just the right crowd for a gay bar!

0:23:090:23:12

-They might pop in.

-Thanks a lot, Dafydd.

0:23:120:23:15

An empty bar on my opening night.

0:23:150:23:17

I'm sorry, Myfanwy, but it looks like I am the only gay on the Greek island of Mykonos.

0:23:170:23:22

It's half past four poofs and a piano, and Carol Beer is on the war path.

0:23:400:23:47

I had a call from head office this morning.

0:23:530:23:56

-Yes?

-Apparently you've made a complaint about me.

0:23:560:24:01

That's right.

0:24:010:24:02

Saying that I've been rude and unhelpful.

0:24:020:24:07

Well, we have been...

0:24:070:24:08

A little disappointed.

0:24:080:24:10

A little disappointed with your attitude so far.

0:24:100:24:15

I tried so hard,

0:24:190:24:21

to make sure people have a good holiday, that's all I want.

0:24:210:24:27

And for someone to say I've been rude and unhelpful.

0:24:270:24:32

It's like a dagger through my heart.

0:24:320:24:34

I can never forgive myself.

0:24:340:24:38

I'd rather die.

0:24:380:24:39

Look, we certainly didn't mean to upset you like this.

0:24:430:24:47

SHE HOWLS

0:24:470:24:49

-We'll withdraw the complaint.

-Good.

0:24:490:24:53

Dirty shitters.

0:24:570:25:00

Bubbles De Vere spends the summer months jetting between the capitals of Europe.

0:25:000:25:06

This must be the one.

0:25:060:25:09

I'm here, darling!

0:25:110:25:13

Today, she has entered Monte Carlo.

0:25:130:25:16

I entered Monte Carlo once.

0:25:160:25:18

He was furious!

0:25:180:25:20

-Oui, madam?

-Is Ronnie baby in?

0:25:240:25:27

-And you are?

-Mrs De Vere, but call me Bubbles, darling, everybody does.

0:25:270:25:32

Was he expecting you?

0:25:320:25:34

Of course. We're old friends. He's invited me to stay for the season.

0:25:340:25:38

If madam could wait here one moment.

0:25:380:25:41

Ferrero Rocher.

0:25:430:25:45

He IS doing well!

0:25:450:25:47

Do I know you?

0:25:540:25:57

Excuse me, I'm just finishing a Ferrero Rocher.

0:25:570:26:01

-I'll just have one more.

-What are you doing here?

0:26:140:26:18

Well, don't say you don't remember me, darling.

0:26:180:26:22

Oh, he's always been so naughty with his jokey jokies.

0:26:220:26:26

It's me, darling, Bubbles.

0:26:260:26:29

We met at Phil Cool's.

0:26:290:26:31

-I've never met him.

-Phil Cool.

0:26:310:26:33

You must know Philly Cool?

0:26:330:26:35

-No, I don't know him.

-That's right.

0:26:350:26:37

Leave the little people behind.

0:26:370:26:40

Well, what are we waiting for me?

0:26:400:26:42

Champagne. Champagne for everyone!

0:26:420:26:44

Ah, I'm afraid I am going to have to ask you to leave.

0:26:440:26:50

But why? Your wife's not here.

0:26:500:26:52

I thought we could have a bit of "How's your father been?"

0:26:520:26:56

-Call the police.

-Oui, Monsieur.

0:26:560:26:59

Alone at last!

0:27:000:27:02

Very clever, darling.

0:27:020:27:04

Ferrero Rocher, a chilled bottle of Appletizer on the drinks trolley.

0:27:040:27:09

You've certainly set the scene for seduction.

0:27:090:27:13

If you leave now,

0:27:130:27:16

I promise I won't press charges.

0:27:160:27:19

Ever since I saw you as Timothy Lumsden on Sorry! I knew I had to have you.

0:27:200:27:26

Just bloody leave!

0:27:260:27:29

Lang-waj, Timothy!

0:27:290:27:31

Oh, you're so sexy!

0:27:320:27:35

Everything about you is so sexy!

0:27:350:27:40

# You don't even know what you've got!

0:27:400:27:45

# Mr Ronnie Cor-bott!

0:27:450:27:48

# Oh, yeah, yeah!

0:27:480:27:50

# And work it a little bit

0:27:500:27:53

# Get hot just a little

0:27:530:27:56

# And meet in the middle

0:27:560:27:58

# Let go just a little bit more

0:27:580:28:02

# Give me just a little bit more! #

0:28:020:28:05

Bit more!

0:28:070:28:10

The police will be here in five minutes.

0:28:100:28:12

Could they make it ten?!

0:28:120:28:14

Where's Mickey Mouse?!

0:28:590:29:01

So we conclude our journey abroad.

0:29:020:29:05

I'm not sure I enjoyed abroad.

0:29:050:29:07

I don't think I'll be going there again. Oh, there's another episode.

0:29:070:29:12

Well, I suppose I'll have to then! Till next time. Good bad.

0:29:120:29:16

Christmas special of the award-winning sketch show starring David Walliams and Matt Lucas in which the regular assortment of grotesque comic creations are let loose overseas. With guests Ronnie Corbett and Steve Coogan.