Part 2 Little Britain


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Part 2

Christmas special of the comedy sketch show. Stranded on a desert island, Lou and Andy wait for rescue. Elsewhere, Anne visits the Vatican. Peter Kay and Dawn French guest star.


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This programme contains some strong language.

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Britain, Britain, Britain. Every day I see folk whose faces I'd like to lick clean off.

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Foreigners, however, are foul.

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They're hairy, dirty looking and smell of foreign.

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So we British have a duty to help these savages.

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Join me now as we take Little Britain abroad.

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Higher, baby, get higher, baby, and don't ever come down.

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Freebase.

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Lou and his friend Andy have been stranded on this desert island for two long weeks.

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Hopefully someone will see that and come and rescue us.

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-Yeah, it's boring here.

-Yeah.

0:00:590:01:01

Sorry we didn't get to Disney World.

0:01:010:01:03

This is more like that Tom Hanks film, innit? What's it called?

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Turner and Hooch.

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No, not Turner and Hooch.

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Sleepless in Seattle.

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No, no, not Sleepless in Seattle.

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-Bachelor party.

-No, no. It's the one all on a desert island.

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Oh, Apollo 13.

0:01:200:01:23

No, no. Not Apollo 13.

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It's the one about a castaway.

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He's a castaway and he's been cast away. What's it called?

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-It'll come to me.

-I'm hungry.

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Oh, yes, of course.

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I'm terribly sorry.

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I'll just go and hunt for some food for you. What do you want?

0:01:380:01:43

Turkey twizzlers...

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-Right.

-And Birds Eye potato waffles.

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Yes?

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They're waffley versatile.

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I'm not really sure they have that sort of thing on a desert island.

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-Yeah, I know.

-I'll see what I can find.

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And a can of Lilt!

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Look! It's Mel Smith.

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Back in Thailand, just north of Shirtland, Vicky Pollard's trial has been going on for many months now.

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No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah,

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but, oh my God, this other thing happened what I completely forgot to tell you about, because you know Caz?

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Well, she got sacked from the bakery counter at Somerfield's,

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cos she kept licking the sugar off the doughnuts then putting them back

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but anyway she went down The Fleece with the Redman sisters, drank 15 bottles of Hooch

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and then went back there and shat in a tub of Utterly Butterly.

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So, you giving me Thai evils?

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Does the defence have anything to add before sentence is passed?

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Just one last thing, your honour.

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The defendant mother has come from England and would like to make a plea on behalf of her daughter.

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Very well.

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Call Shelley Pollard.

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Mrs Pollard, you believe your daughter is innocent, don't you?

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No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, because she well ain't done it, so shut up!

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She was well a good child and then she fell in with a bad crowd when she was three.

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I'm not saying she ain't never not done nothing or nothing, but she ain't no drug muggler,

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and if anyone says she is, they're well gonna get a beatings.

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Cos my daughter is, like, well unguilty. Look at her. She's got the face of a fucking angel!

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-Well, thank you very much, Mrs Pollard.

-I ain't done yet. God! Stop getting involved!

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This whole thing would never even have happened anyway if it weren't for Kelly Bates.

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Shut up, slag! Kelly Bates never even done nothing or nothing!

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Oh my God! I so can't believe you just said that. Kelly Bates is the most roughest girl in Avon.

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Kelly Bates has been my number one friend for, like, ever and ever.

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We even carved our names into each other's arms, only I spelt her name wrong so it looks like Kevin,

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but I don't even talk to Kevin Hayes anyway cos he's, like, well gay.

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-But, anyway...

-Enough!

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-Minger!

-Slag bag!

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10 years.

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20 years.

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Yesterday, Dudley Punt married his Thai bride Ting Tong Macadangdang.

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He wanted to make an honest man-woman of her.

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Today, they start their honeymoon in Belgium.

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This don't look very romantic, Mr Dudley.

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What you talking about, Ting Tong? It's beautiful.

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You said we were staying in a hotel.

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Well, it's like a hotel, but smaller.

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And on wheels.

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Dudley! How are you?

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-How are you?

-Yeah, I'm all right.

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-This is my little brother.

-We're staying with your brother?

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You must be Ping Pong?

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-Ting Tong.

-Ting Tong, from the Philippines?

-Thailand.

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Thailand, that right. They're much cheaper there, aren't they?

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Welcome, King Kong.

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Is there something you need to tell me?

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Oh, them!

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In all seriousness, though, they...

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They belong to the new wife.

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New wife? What happened to the old one?

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I traded her in for a younger model, didn't I?

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-She's 18, she's Russian, she's a virgin.

-Lovely.

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Yeah. All the good brides are Russian these days.

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Dear, though - 200 quid!

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Ivanka!

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Here she is.

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Ivanka, my new wife.

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Ivanka. Good at meeting you.

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Nice to meet you, Miss Ivanka.

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I see you have car.

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Austin Allegro, chocolate brown.

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-This is my friend...

-Wife!

0:07:200:07:22

Wife, Ting Tong.

0:07:220:07:24

-She's beautiful, ain't she?

-Not half.

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-She's done a lot of...

-Modelling.

-Modelling.

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Really? Yes.

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I have been on cover of Russian Vogue, Russian Tatler

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and Russian Take A Break.

0:07:370:07:40

-Whoopee-doo!

-Come on, come on inside. Have a drink.

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After you, Miss Ivanka.

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Thank you.

0:07:460:07:48

PARP!

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That is a warning.

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This clothing boutique is in at the skiing resort of Klosters in Switzerland. Ah, Switzerland!

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Not so helpful in a war, but wonderful fondue.

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Hello, darling!

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Bonjour, Madame.

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Bubbles Devere, pleased to meet you.

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-Can I help you?

-Yes, darling.

0:08:230:08:25

Can you keep a secret?

0:08:250:08:27

-Well yes, of course, Madame.

-Good, because my dear, dear friend, the King of England, Sir Prince Charles,

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is choppering in tomorrow and is hosting a big dinner party for me.

0:08:330:08:37

-Really?

-Yes. I think he's planning to marry me off to one of the boys.

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Well, we'll soon see about that!

0:08:410:08:44

How can I help?

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I need you to loan me a dress, darling.

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I'm afraid we don't loan dresses here, Madame.

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Not normally, no, but I am Bubbles Devere.

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Pictures of me in your dress will go around the world.

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Did you not see me in last week's Bella?

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Sales of flip flops skyrocketed.

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-I'm afraid I don't know you, Madame.

-Everybody knows Bubbles.

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SHE IMPERSONATES NOKIA RINGTONE

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Oh, do excuse me.

0:09:130:09:17

Yes? Oh, my good friend Jilly Cooper!

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Hello, Jilly Cooper.

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How are you, Jilly Cooper?

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Yes, I'm very well, Jilly Cooper.

0:09:260:09:28

Well, thank you for calling, Jilly Cooper. Goodbye, Jilly Cooper.

0:09:280:09:34

Jilly Cooper.

0:09:340:09:35

So, what do we have here? Oh, this looks di-wine.

0:09:350:09:38

Oh, I don't think we have that one in Madame's size.

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What? You want to put me in this?

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I'm not Kate Winslet, darling!

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This one is much more my style.

0:09:450:09:48

Oh, please be careful with the dress, Madame. It cost 10,000 euros.

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Being... Very...

0:09:560:09:57

careful...darling.

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What do you think?

0:10:000:10:02

Too daring?

0:10:060:10:08

Moontime, back on this desert island...

0:10:130:10:16

-Andy, I'm back.

-Yeah, I know.

0:10:220:10:25

I've managed to catch this.

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Were you all right without me?

0:10:310:10:33

Yeah, fine. I had a buffet lunch, a massage and a facial, and then I played a game of tennis.

0:10:330:10:39

Yes, yes. Of course you did.

0:10:390:10:42

Oh, dear Lord, he's getting delusional.

0:10:420:10:46

Right, so you hold the racket like so, there's a good girl.

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And when the ball comes towards you, you hit it like so.

0:10:540:10:59

I think she knows by now, Mr Dudley.

0:10:590:11:01

-Ivanka!

-Yes, husband?

0:11:010:11:04

The toilet needs emptying.

0:11:040:11:06

-Ting Tong can do it.

-She's busy with the spuds.

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Come on, chop chop!

0:11:090:11:11

-Did you ask for a fat one?

-No, it's just how she came.

0:11:170:11:21

Do you know, I've got a good mind to pack my bags and go back to Thailand.

0:11:210:11:25

Oh, no, don't say that.

0:11:250:11:28

Please, no. You haven't finished your taters yet.

0:11:280:11:31

Some honeymoon this is turning out to be.

0:11:310:11:34

This human waste is so heavy.

0:11:340:11:36

-Oh, let me help.

-She can do it!

0:11:360:11:39

No, I insist, I insist.

0:11:390:11:40

Oh, thank you.

0:11:400:11:42

I'll come with you as well.

0:11:430:11:45

No, you're all right, friend.

0:11:450:11:47

What you reckon, Ting Tong?

0:11:480:11:51

You think she really is 18?

0:11:510:11:54

Ting Tong?

0:11:540:11:57

Ting Tong?

0:11:570:11:59

I'll show that bitch who can be sexy.

0:12:110:12:15

Excuse me? Do you have this in a size eight?

0:12:150:12:20

-I just have a look.

-Thank you.

0:12:200:12:22

Ivanka?

0:12:250:12:27

At the Vatican, Ann has been granted an audience with the Pope.

0:12:310:12:35

I once enjoyed an audience with the Pope, although I did prefer An Audience with Joe Pasquale.

0:12:350:12:41

As you know, Ann has always been a deeply spiritual person

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and it's long been her dream to meet his holiness the Pope.

0:12:460:12:51

I think it's going to be a profound moment for us all.

0:12:530:12:57

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

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La Signorina Anna.

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Eh-eh-eh!

0:13:200:13:23

Wasn't that beautiful?

0:13:250:13:27

When I go abroad, I find a house I like,

0:13:290:13:32

forcibly eject the occupants and stay there for two weeks.

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Other people prefer to stay in hotels like this one here in Portugal.

0:13:370:13:42

-See you by the pool, gorgeous.

-Paul?

0:13:420:13:45

Oh, sorry. I'm not signing any autographs today, I'm on holiday.

0:13:450:13:49

No, no, no. It's me, Kenny Craig.

0:13:490:13:51

I'm a hypnotist, too. We met last year at Uri Geller's barbecue.

0:13:510:13:55

Oh, of course. How's it going?

0:13:550:13:57

Really well. Quite badly.

0:13:570:13:59

I really wanna be on TV like you but I'm kinda stuck out here on the whole Club 18-30 circuit at the moment.

0:13:590:14:05

-Oh dear, I'm sorry.

-Yeah.

0:14:050:14:06

I'll be honest with you, Paul, I've lost my way, you know? I've kind of lost my confidence.

0:14:060:14:10

-Have you read my book, Paul McKenna's Boost Your Confidence by Paul McKenna?

-No, no, I haven't.

0:14:100:14:15

There's a really good exercise in it. I could do it on your right now if you'd like?

0:14:150:14:21

-That'd be great, thank you.

-OK. Look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes.

0:14:210:14:24

Not around the eyes, look into the eyes, the eyes. You're under. You are a worthless piece of scum.

0:14:240:14:29

How dare you even think you can compete with me, the great Paul McKenna?

0:14:290:14:33

From this moment on, you will lose all your skills in hypnotism.

0:14:330:14:36

Your life will fall apart.

0:14:360:14:38

You will become a tramp, a hobo, a beggar man.

0:14:380:14:41

You'll go rifling through bins looking for a half-eaten box of KFC.

0:14:410:14:45

That is your destiny.

0:14:450:14:47

Three, two, one. You're back in the room.

0:14:470:14:49

Wow, that was amazing. Thank you.

0:14:490:14:52

-No problem.

-Wow.

0:14:520:14:54

Meanwhile, Lou has made an important decision.

0:15:100:15:14

Now, you know we've been on this island for many weeks now?

0:15:140:15:17

-Yeah, I know.

-I'm gonna have to go off in this raft to try and get help.

0:15:170:15:22

-Fine.

-It may be our only chance of survival.

0:15:220:15:26

I've left some food for you in the hut, there's a marmoset curry

0:15:260:15:31

with a coconut and mango salad and some jumbo prawns wrapped in banana leaves.

0:15:310:15:37

All you have to do is heat them up.

0:15:370:15:39

-What's for pudding?

-Do you like passion fruit?

0:15:390:15:44

Well, there's a passion fruit compote if you want it.

0:15:440:15:47

Will you be OK?

0:15:470:15:49

-Yeah, I've got a scuba-diving lesson booked for 12.

-Yeah.

0:15:490:15:53

Well, farewell, my friend.

0:15:540:15:58

This may be the last time you ever see me.

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I have something I need to tell you.

0:16:010:16:04

I love you.

0:16:090:16:11

You're blocking the sun.

0:16:110:16:14

Oh...sorry.

0:16:140:16:17

It's a quarter a clock and Mr Mann has taken his lifelong search for a pirate memory game to Morocco.

0:16:300:16:38

HE SPEAKS ARABIC

0:16:480:16:52

-HE SPEAKS ARABIC

-..pirate memory games.

0:16:520:16:56

HE SPEAKS ARABIC

0:16:560:17:01

HE CALLS OUT IN ARABIC

0:17:020:17:05

SHE ANSWERS IN ARABIC >

0:17:110:17:13

HE SPEAKS ARABIC ..pirate memory games?

0:17:130:17:16

SHE ANSWERS IN ARABIC

0:17:160:17:19

SHE SPEAKS ARABIC

0:17:190:17:21

HE REPEATS IN ARABIC

0:17:210:17:22

-Oh.

-Oh.

0:17:220:17:25

Hungry hippos? >

0:17:290:17:31

-HE SPEAKS ARABIC

-Pirate memory games?

0:17:400:17:43

HE SPEAKS ARABIC

0:17:460:17:48

HE ASKS QUESTION IN ARABIC

0:17:570:18:00

SHE ANSWERS IN ARABIC

0:18:000:18:02

HE SPEAKS ARABIC

0:18:020:18:05

HE SHOUTS IN ARABIC

0:18:180:18:20

Pirate memory games!

0:18:300:18:33

This is America, where the Prime Minister is on an official visit to the White House.

0:18:340:18:39

Personally, I find white a bit common. I'd have gone for cream.

0:18:390:18:44

And myself and the Prime Minister are going to be having talks all afternoon.

0:18:440:18:48

Yes, I'm really hoping that we can build on our special relationship.

0:18:480:18:52

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

0:18:520:18:55

No further questions.

0:18:550:18:58

Yeah, no further questions, please.

0:18:580:19:00

Now, I've asked for us not to be disturbed this afternoon.

0:19:030:19:06

That's a good idea, we've got a lot to get through.

0:19:060:19:08

-Marvin?

-Yes, sir, Mr President, sir?

-What's all this about a special relationship?

0:19:080:19:12

Between our two nations, and obviously the President and I get on very well.

0:19:120:19:16

-Yes, a little too well for my liking.

-Sebastian!

0:19:160:19:18

-If it's just sex then fine, but if it's something deeper...

-Don't be ridiculous!

0:19:180:19:21

Uh, uh, uh.

0:19:240:19:25

Marvin, no calls.

0:19:280:19:30

Sir, yes, sir, Mr President, sir.

0:19:300:19:31

What've they been doing in there? They've been ages.

0:19:370:19:39

-What?

-I bet your president's all over him.

-As if!

0:19:390:19:42

I've seen the way he looks at him.

0:19:420:19:45

You are such a fruit.

0:19:450:19:46

-Wha-a-at?

-It's creepy. You're, like, totally obsessed.

0:19:460:19:51

-Not totally!

-I bet you've got pictures of the Prime Minister all over your bedroom wall.

0:19:510:19:56

Not ALL over!

0:19:560:19:58

He ain't all that. I mean, Mr President, look at him. He's a dreamboat.

0:19:580:20:03

-Oh, so you keep a picture of the President in your wallet?

-For security purposes.

0:20:030:20:09

-I bet they're kissing right now.

-Oh, you should be on Springer.

0:20:090:20:13

Let me through, I've gotta see what's going on!

0:20:130:20:16

-Sir, step aside from the door, sir.

-Get out of my way!

-You're causing a situation here, sir.

-Let me through!

0:20:160:20:21

You'll have to kill me first.

0:20:210:20:22

-Oh, look - Kofi Annan!

-What?

0:20:220:20:24

Ah, Chinese burn!

0:20:240:20:27

The UN resolution does not state that...

0:20:270:20:31

Yes, Sebastian?

0:20:310:20:33

Just checking you've got a pen.

0:20:330:20:37

Yes, I have.

0:20:390:20:40

Right. Sorry, Prime Minister.

0:20:400:20:43

He gave me a Chinese burn!

0:20:430:20:46

-Thank you, Marvin.

-It hurts, sir.

-Marvin!

0:20:460:20:48

Sir, yes, sir, Mr President, sir.

0:20:480:20:51

You're an animal!

0:20:580:21:00

With Marjorie Dawes in America, Texan Fatfighters group leader Blanche Chuckatuck

0:21:020:21:07

has come over here to meet some fat British pigs.

0:21:070:21:10

OK, my fat fighting folk. How y'all doing today?

0:21:100:21:14

Fine, thank you.

0:21:140:21:16

Blanche can't hear y'all!

0:21:160:21:17

Fine, thank you.

0:21:170:21:19

-I said, "Blanche can't hear y'all!"

-Good.

-Thank you.

0:21:190:21:23

OK, we are cooking.

0:21:230:21:25

With low-fat oil. Now, my name is Blanche Tuckatuck.

0:21:250:21:29

I come from Rock Springs, Texas

0:21:290:21:32

and I wanna say it is a great honour for me to take your Fatfighters group tonight.

0:21:320:21:37

-Lovely.

-All right, let's start with the weigh in.

0:21:370:21:41

-Ma'am, would you like to go first?

-OK.

-What's your name, pretty lady?

0:21:410:21:45

-Pat.

-Pat or Patti?

0:21:450:21:47

-Pat.

-OK, Patti.

0:21:470:21:49

If you wanna get yourself up there on them there scales, there. OK...

0:21:490:21:55

Oh, I've put on three pounds.

0:21:550:21:57

It ain't easy, is it?

0:21:570:22:00

What you gotta do, Patti, is you gotta quit eating them fattening foods.

0:22:000:22:04

That means no more grits, no more molasses and no more deep-fried plantain, you hear?

0:22:040:22:09

OK, thanks.

0:22:090:22:11

You got a beautiful fat ass, Patti.

0:22:130:22:15

-Anyone ever told you that?

-No.

0:22:150:22:17

Ain't she got one sweet ass?

0:22:170:22:20

What's your name, kind sir?

0:22:200:22:23

-Paul.

-Paul, or Pauly?

0:22:230:22:25

-Paul.

-OK, Pauly, if you wanna get yourself

0:22:250:22:28

up there on them there skills, up there on them there scales, there.

0:22:280:22:31

OK. What have we here?

0:22:310:22:33

-Oh, I've lost two pounds!

-Oh!

0:22:350:22:37

You know why Pauly here has lost himself them two pounds?

0:22:370:22:43

Cos he's been praying to Jesus.

0:22:430:22:45

No, I haven't.

0:22:450:22:48

Yes, he has. He's just shy.

0:22:480:22:51

Jesus loves you, Pauly.

0:22:520:22:55

Jesus loves you, Patti,

0:22:560:22:58

even though you've been stuffing yourself with that Aunt Jemima's sweet potato pie.

0:22:580:23:03

Jesus loves you, old timer.

0:23:030:23:05

Jesus likes you. He would prefer if you were one of his flock, but he likes you.

0:23:110:23:15

-I'm Hindu.

-Pardon me, ma'am?

-I'm Hindu.

0:23:150:23:18

-Pardon me, ma'am?

-I'm Hindu.

0:23:180:23:20

-Pardon me, ma'am?

-I'm Hindu.

0:23:200:23:21

-Pardon me, ma'am?

-I'm Hindu.

-Pardon me, ma'am.

0:23:210:23:24

-I'm...

-She says she's Hindu.

0:23:240:23:26

I don't what that is, and I don't think you know, neither.

0:23:260:23:31

Oh, I got a meeting of my own now, but before I go I want you all

0:23:340:23:38

to give yourself so round of applause for a really great meet.

0:23:380:23:42

-She was all right.

-Yeah, she was nice.

0:23:420:23:45

Goodbye, now.

0:23:480:23:49

Lou has been at sea for eight days.

0:23:540:23:57

That is nearly a week.

0:23:570:23:59

Hang on in there, Andy.

0:24:010:24:03

Just a few more thousand miles.

0:24:030:24:05

Everything's gonna be OK.

0:24:050:24:07

CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYS

0:24:100:24:13

Now we return to this campsite in Belgium.

0:24:210:24:25

Doesn't look camp to me, looks quite butch.

0:24:250:24:29

This is the life, eh?

0:24:290:24:32

Roast chicken, serviettes and a beautiful wife bought and paid for.

0:24:320:24:39

If our old Ma could see us now.

0:24:390:24:42

It's a terrible thing, blindness.

0:24:420:24:46

I'm back!

0:24:460:24:47

-Oh, yeah?

-Yes, and I've brought a movie we can watch.

-Oh, lovely.

0:24:470:24:52

-What is it, The Money Pit?

-No,

0:24:520:24:55

it's called Snow White Does Seven Dwarves.

0:24:550:25:00

You may have heard of it, Ivanka.

0:25:010:25:04

Oh, please don't let's watch movies.

0:25:040:25:07

Movies is boring.

0:25:070:25:09

Ah, stick it in, stick it in.

0:25:090:25:11

It's a Futawa, it'll need tracking, Ling Ong.

0:25:110:25:15

What's this?

0:25:150:25:17

Oh, being alone in this wood is making me too horny.

0:25:190:25:23

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:25:230:25:26

I wonder if this is the little men come to gangbang me?

0:25:260:25:30

Ivanka?

0:25:360:25:38

Hello, boys!

0:25:380:25:40

You had sex with seven dwarves?

0:25:430:25:46

Two were midgets.

0:25:460:25:48

No, that's it.

0:25:480:25:50

It's over. Ten beautiful days of marriage up the Swanee.

0:25:500:25:53

Oh, no, please! It was just sex! I didn't love any of them.

0:25:530:25:58

You see now what type of woman she is?

0:26:000:26:02

Yes, yes. I do.

0:26:020:26:04

I'm sorry, Ting Tong.

0:26:040:26:06

We're leaving, Mr Dudley.

0:26:060:26:08

You take me on proper honeymoon.

0:26:080:26:12

Yes, of course.

0:26:130:26:14

Can I just see what happens in the end?

0:26:140:26:18

Well, that was a very instructive meeting. We'll talk later at dinner.

0:26:220:26:26

Thank you, Michael.

0:26:260:26:28

Marvin?

0:26:280:26:30

-So sorry for bursting in like that, Prime Minister.

-Yes, Sebastian.

0:26:320:26:36

Just when you said about the special relationship I thought it meant something else.

0:26:360:26:40

Well, it doesn't.

0:26:400:26:42

I know. I'm sorry.

0:26:420:26:44

Oh, you've got something on your lapel. Here, let me.

0:26:440:26:47

Mmm, what's that?

0:26:500:26:51

Tastes familiar.

0:26:550:26:57

Mmm, definitely had it before.

0:26:590:27:01

Oh, it takes me back to sea scouts.

0:27:010:27:04

I'd... I'd better just get changed for dinner.

0:27:060:27:08

OK, Prime Minister.

0:27:080:27:10

Prime Minister? Er, you forgot your file.

0:27:100:27:13

Thank you, Mr President.

0:27:140:27:16

And finally we return home to the glorious isle of Britain.

0:27:250:27:30

Andy, thank God you're safe!

0:27:320:27:35

I was on that raft for weeks.

0:27:350:27:37

-How did you get back?

-Plane, it's quicker.

0:27:370:27:39

Oh, I was so worried about you!

0:27:390:27:42

I was on that raft and I lost my paddle, and I thought I was a goner.

0:27:420:27:47

And the only thing that kept me going was the thought of you.

0:27:470:27:50

"Who was gonna look after my Andy? I have to find land, I have to save him"...

0:27:500:27:54

We're out of crisps.

0:27:540:27:56

Right, I'll...

0:27:570:27:59

just go and get you some.

0:27:590:28:01

Beef.

0:28:030:28:05

And so it is time to say goodbye.

0:28:120:28:15

Farewell, my friends, farewell, for this really is the end of Little Britain.

0:28:150:28:23

Abroad.

0:28:240:28:26

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:280:28:30

E-mail: subtitling@bbc.co.uk

0:28:300:28:33

Christmas special of the award-winning comedy sketch show starring David Walliams and Matt Lucas, in which their outlandish comic creations go overseas. With guests Peter Kay and Dawn French.