Episode 1 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain - land of technological achievement.

We've had running water for over ten years,

an underground tunnel that links us to Peru, and we invented the cat.

These innovations are only possible because of the people of Britain

and it is those people that we do look at today.

Let's do it!

It's half past Rene at this comprehensive in Darkley Noone.

BELL RINGS Projects in by Monday next week.

-Vicky, stay behind.

-Good luck.

Yes, thank you, Kelly. Right, come here, please, Vicky.

It's been two weeks. I still don't have your essay on Lord Kitchener.

What happened was, was I was going round Karl's

but Shelley Todd, bitch, said that Destiny stole Rochelle's purse,

but Rochelle flicked ash in Michaela's hair.

I'm more interested in your coursework.

What happened was, was Ashley Cramer said Samantha's brother smells of mud

but, shut up, never stole no car!

Vicky, have you started this essay?

No but yeah but no cos I'm not on the pill cos Nadine reckons they stop you getting pregnant.

If I don't get this essay, I'll have to fail you.

Louise emptied a can of Fanta into Shannon's bag, but Luke says he fingered her in the language lab.

-Vicky, do you want to pass your GCSE?

-GCS what?!

Don't give me evos!

Inside 10 Downing Street,

the Prime Minister is having a meeting with one of his aides.

ICE-CREAM VAN TUNE PLAYS >

Of course, if I was Prime Minister, I'd knock through to Number 11

and have a sort of larger living area, really open up the space.

Prime Minister, the meeting with the Trade and Industry Secretary has now been rescheduled for 6.15.

So the Chancellor's now at 7?

Hiya!

-Oh. Hello.

-Yes?

Sebastian - Gregory Merchant. He's just come to us from the Treasury.

-Nice to meet you.

-Whatever. ..Prime Minister, can I have a word?

-Can't it wait?

-It's kind of important.

-Gregory, would you...

-Of course.

Who was that?

Gregory, the new boy at the Treasury. He's rather good.

-Oh, is he(?)

-Got a double first at Cambridge. Really knows his stuff.

-I don't like him.

-Why's that?

-I see the way he looks at you.

-What about it?

He was looking at you... like he loves you.

-I don't think so.

-He's obviously got some kind of mad crush on you, Prime Minister.

-I think it's very unlikely.

-It's true. He gets all kind of nervous when he's around you.

-Is that everything?

-Yes.

-Do you want to get up?

-No.

Could you call Gregory back in?

(Gregory.) I think he's gone. So, anyway, um...

Gregory, come in, please. Sebastian's leaving. Show him out.

Bitch.

HYSTERICAL SOBS >

Sorry about that. Where were we?

-Your meeting with the Chancellor.

-Oh, yes.

Ooh...you smell nice.

People in Britain do all manner of things for kicks.

Some lick stamps, others sit on chairs.

This fellow, who calls himself Emily Howard, likes to dress up as a lady. Takes all sorts, I suppose.

Ooh! Ooh! Absolutely tipping it down out there.

That's the only reason I came in here alone, without a chaperone. I am a lady, you see. Pay me no heed.

I have never been in a "pub" before. Tell me, what does one do?

You can order a drink if you like, mate.

-I'll have a lady's drink, s'il vous plait.

-What can I get you?

-I'd like to buy the lady a drink.

-What?

I said I'd like to buy you a drink, if that's OK.

-But... But I am a lady.

-Yeah, I know,

and I'd like to buy you a drink.

Oh, um... Well, a drinkypoopoo.

-Yes, I'll have a slimline tonic water, please.

-Right, you are.

And two packets of crisps - the barbecued beef variety.

Merci beaucoup.

-Cheers.

-Chin-chin!

-Ooh! It goes straight to my head!

-So tell me a bit about yourself.

Well, my name is Emily, Emily Howard, and I am a lady

so I like to do ladies things, like attend the operettas and les ballets. Do you like the theatre?

No, but I like you.

You must know that I am a lady. I press flowers and stroke kittens

and swim in rivers...wearing dresses and hats...and shit.

You're a lovely looking lady.

You embarrass me! I must go and powder my nose.

'Ere, you wanna be careful with that one.

She's gorgeous.

Watch my pint. I'm off for a slash.

Hello, again!

Meanwhile, southeast of Northwestshire,

lies the little town of Herby.

Wait! Stop!

Andy's birthday is just over a year away and his friend, Lou, has decided to do something special.

-There's your milk. Your birthday's coming up and I said I'd take you to London to see a show.

-I know.

All the shows are advertised here. Which one do you want to see, cos I gotta book?

-That one.

-The Royal Opera House? I don't think you'd like that.

-That one.

-Well, what about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?

-It's got Michael Balls in it. You like Michael Balls!

-Yeah, I know.

-So which one do you want to see?

-That one.

-It's La Traviata. It's an opera.

-Yeah, I know.

It's very expensive. It's about £100 a ticket.

That one.

All right. We'll go to the opera.

ORCHESTRA TUNES UP

# Estrada... #

I don't like it.

This is Kelsey Grammar School in Flange. Schools are where tomorrow adults, or children, are harvested.

BELL RINGS

For these boys, the first lesson of the day is on Charles Dickens' Great Expectations.

-"..and ran home without stopping."

-Palfrey, you take over.

Top of page 116.

"My sister, Mrs Joe Gargery, had brought me up by hand.

-"Knowing her to have..."

-Johnson, you take over.

"..in the habit of laying it upon her..."

-Clark.

-"I supp..."

-Back to Johnson.

-"..supposed that Joe..."

-Pelham, you take over.

-"..That Joe Gargery and I were both brought up by hand."

-Worms.

-"Not a good-looking..."

-Meacher.

-"..woman."

Read on, boy!

-"My sis..."

-Rolands.

-"..ter, and I had."

-Honkeytonk.

"I had a general impression that she must have been making Joe Gar..."

Phillips! Nash! Papathasaniou!

Go on! Read!

Yes, all of you!

-ALL: "Joe was a fair man with..."

-Melling, Ashworth, join them.

ALL: "..of his smooth face, and with eyes..."

Scotch accents.

ALL: "Of such a verrry undecided blue that they..."

In the style of The Elephant Man.

-THEY SLUR: "..seemed to have somehow got mixed with..."

-Right, stop!

-We're not getting anywhere.

-I

-will read. Page 117.

"Joe...wass...a...meld..."

mild...

Mild...? Mild...

"good...natter..."

Shall we just watch the video? Yeah. Yeah, better.

Unlike other countries, Britain has people of two genders -

women and men.

Gary and his friend, Jason, are two "men".

Write it down. Men.

-That you, Gary?

-Yeah, Mum. I'm with my mate, Jason.

-Oh, bring him in.

-All right? This is Jason. This is my sister, Julie.

-All right?

-Hello.

-This is my mum.

-Hello.

-How do you do?

And this is my nan.

Hel-lo!

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Gary never told me he had such a beautiful grandmother.

I'll just go and put the kettle on.

Why, uh, I haven't seen you around. Where do you normally hang out?

-Day centre.

-Oh. Must check it out.

-You smell nice. What is it?

-Murray Mints.

-Oi, tell him about the party.

-Mmm? Oh, yeah. ..Julie's mate's having a party tonight, Jay. D'you wanna go?

-What do you reckon, Nan? You up for it?

-Eh? What, me?! I don't think she'd want me there.

-It's for the younger generation.

-Yeah, I'll give it a miss, ta.

So, er, I bet you're a woman of experience.

Well, I've lived through two world wars.

-Maureen?

-Yes, Mum?

Can you take me to the toilet?

I'm just making the tea, Mum. Julie, be a good girl - take your nan to the toilet.

It's OK. I'll do it.

Up we get.

-Oh!

-Sorry. I thought that was your elbow.

Meanwhile, at the Uncle Albert Hall,

a recital was taking place.

HE PLAYS: "Rondo Alla Turca" by Mozart

I had a bag! Where's my bag?!

No, no, here it is.

HE CONTINUES PLAYING

HE MOUTHS

Meanwhile, in Trowby, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig is on a date.

I usually just have a starter and find that's enough.

It's nice here.

It's funny - I don't remember saying I'd go on a date with you.

-I don't know what to have. It all looks so nice.

-The, uh... The set menu is very reasonable.

Ooh, they do baked lobster!

I've never had lobster before. I'll have that.

Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes.

You're under. You will order from the set menu. Three courses, £8.95.

You will not order the lobster. 3, 2, 1... You're back in the room.

Oh, there's lots I like on the set menu.

-You don't mind the set menu, do you?

-Whatever you want. That's fine.

Do you know what you want to drink yet?

Seeing as it's a special occasion, let's have a bottle of bubbly.

Look into my eyes. The eyes.

You're under. You will choose a soft drink, NOT champagne.

I don't fancy you that much and I resent you bleeding me dry here. 3, 2, 1... You're back in the room.

-Are you ready to order, madam?

-I'll order from the set menu, please.

-I'll have the spring roll and chicken chow mein.

-And to drink?

-Just a glass of water.

-Tap.

And for sir?

I'm not hungry. Just the lobster and a bottle of champagne.

Above this theatre here in Sneddy

is the office of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent.

-BUZZER SOUNDS

-Yes?

-'Dennis Waterman to see you.'

-Lovely, do send him in.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Ooh, that's a big dog!

Have you never met Wolfitt?

Shake his hand.

Good boy.

Woo!

-Tired.

-I'm glad you popped in. The Troot Theatre Company just called.

-Oh. Not telly?

-No.

-As long as you insist on writing your own theme tunes, telly won't touch you.

-What about EastEnders?

-They've already got a theme tune.

-Mine's better.

# Lots of things are happening in Albert Square, doo-doo-doo... #

Yes, thank you(!) The Troot Theatre Company are doing Macbeth and they want you for the lead.

-Ooh, heavy.

-Just one thing - they do start rehearsals on Monday.

-That's not much time to write a new theme tune.

-No, Dennis...

it's a straight play. No music.

So...yes or no?

# Mr Macbeth is a naughty ma-an Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

# He gone and killed another man Doo-doo-doo-doo

# I hath a good idea Just thou keep me near

# I'll be so good for the Scottish play. #

I'll tell 'em you're busy.

Could you, uh, give me a hand down, please?

-Don't drop me! Don't drop me!

-I've got you.

Off you pop.

Don't patronise me.

Community centres in Britain

are used as meeting places for all kinds of groups.

Until a law is passed to imprison fat people,

the gluttons of Britain are free to attend diet classes like this one.

I would say...12 stone 6. You've gone up half a pound. Bad luck.

-Sorry I'm late, Marjorie.

-That's OK, Pat.

The scales are broken, so I'm just estimating people's weight, so...

I tell you what, just lift up your arm...

Yeah, you look about 17 stone to me.

I weighed myself earlier - I was 16 stone 5.

Oh, well, turn round.

No, definitely 17, I'm afraid. Oh, it's not easy, is it? Aw-ww.

And last but not least...Paul.

-So what are you gonna make me - 20 stone?

-Don't be silly, Paul.

19 stone 11.

OK, our buzz word for today is...

..cravings!

Cravings!

Not John Cravings! Not John Craving's Newsround! No!

We're talking cravings.

What foods do we get cravings of?

-Tania, start us off.

-Chocolate.

Chocolate. Yes. Well done.

Chocolate.

Lovely. OK.

Uh...Johansen.

-No, it's Dave.

-Oh, sorry, Dave. I always get those names mixed up. Cravings?

-Chocolate.

-We've had chocolate.

Chocolate biscuits.

-Yeah, they're covered in chocolate.

-Yeah, that's why he likes 'em!

That's why you're so fat, because you don't take it seriously.

-Pat?

-Cake.

-Cake!

Yes! Cake! We all like a bit of cake, don't we? I know I do. I do! I love a bit of cake!

I do. I just like cake. I'm one of those people, I come home

and all I want... I just love cake! CAKE!

I love a bit of cake! Cake. Lovely. Uh...Mary.

-Fish and chips.

-Sorry, do it again.

Fish and chips.

-Wh...? ..Do it again.

-Fish and chips.

-Again.

-Oh, forget it.

Well, it must be some sort of dish that we don't get over here.

OK, so how can we eat the food we crave and still lose weight?

Introducing the all-new Fat Fighters Half The Calories Diet!

Yeah? Yeah? Take the food you like, whether it's your chocolate or your biscuits or your cake...

Oh, man, I love de cake! Or your...thing.

Cut it in half and it's just half the calories. Yeah?

-Cos it's half the calories, you can have twice as much.

-That's stupid.

-Excuse me?

-You're never going to lose weight by doing that.

-Oh, dear. 19 stone 12.

If you're planning a holiday and the Arctic is fully booked,

-why not try Scotland?

-THUNDER ROLLS

-This is very good.

-Yes, I assume it was freshly made on the premises.

-Enjoying your stay?

-Uh, yes... Uh, very much.

We were just saying how much we like the soup. Did you make it?

Maybe I did, and maybe I didn't.

Well, uh...

-did you?

-Yes!

-Well, it's delicious, we'd love to be able to make it ourselves.

-You'd like to know my secrets, would you?

Well, yes.

Have you ever heard of a thing called butter?

Yes.

Gold in colour and slippery to the touch.

Yes, butter. Anything else?

Yes. Did you ever hear the legend of the seeded fruit that is often mistooken for a vegetable?

-The tomato?

-Red in colour and fleshy within.

But beware of the pips.

They call it the tom-a-to.

Right, the tomato. Anything else?

Yes. Have you ever heard of such a thing as a cow?

-A cow, mind!

-Let me think.

-Yes, I have.

-Did you know the cow secretes a liquor from its udder?

Yes. Milk.

Ye know too much.

Ye know...

..too much.

-Anyway, we start off by the castle...

-I leave ye

with a riddle. I'm hard yet soft, I'm coloured yet clear,

I'm fruity and sweet, I am jelly. What am I?

Jelly.

Muse upon it further, I shall return.

-It's jelly, though, isn't it.

-Yes.

If you have a verruca and would like to share it with others,

then why not pop down to your local swimming pool?

-I wanna get in.

-Yeah, I'll get you in in a minute.

-I've got to find a life guard to help you get in.

-I wanna get in!

In a minute. ..Excuse me, I wonder if you could give me a hand.

I'm here with a friend, who you may see is in a wheelchair.

And I need a little bit of help getting him in and out of the pool.

Getting him in and out of the pool is not really a kerfuffle.

He's relatively kerfuffle-free.

But he does have a slight fear of water.

You know, he likes the water but he's not a strong swimmer.

He's really doggy paddle if anything.

I need help to get him in and out

-because I like him to go swimming because it's good exercise.

-Yes.

And so I think it's just a case of me maybe taking the upper body

-and you maybe taking...

-The legs.

-Yeah, and we'll just lower him in.

Shall we go help him in?

Right, how are we going to do this?

-Did you shower?

-Yeah...

It's Julia o'clock here in Welsh mining village Llandewi Breffi,

and out gay-man Daffyd Thomas is enjoying a drink.

-Can I have another Bacardi and Coke please, Myfanwy?

-Coming right up.

-Bloody hell, Myfanwy. I'm so down.

-Why is that, Daffyd?

It's so hard being the only gay in the village. I dream of the day I meet other gays who understand.

Oh, I was going to tell you. I was talking to old Ma Evans

and she's got a new lodger from Cardiff. And guess what - he is a gay.

-What - in the village?

-Apparently, yes.

I told her to send him over to meet you.

This must be him now.

Hello, can I have a Bacardi and Coke, please?

Oh, you must be Daffyd.

-There you go. I'll leave you boys to it.

-No, don't go! I...

Just passing through, are you?

No, I've got a job at the forest and I'm looking for somewhere to live.

I saw a very nice cottage but that's another story! Hoo-hoo!

Is it?

Yes.

And, uh...you claim to be a gay, do you?

Yes, I am. Mrs Evans said I should talk to you because you're the only gay in the village.

Well, now there's two of us.

No, you're not a gay. I am gay.

-I AM gay!

-Well, if you ARE gay, who played Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz?

-Judy Garland.

-Judy Garland.

-How do you know that?

-Everyone knows that!

All right, then. Who is the gay character in Are You Being Served?

-ALL: Mr Humphries.

-Was it?

ALL: Yes!

Well, that's very subtle, then.

I thought it was Captain Peacock. He's the one with the moustache.

Well, I seem to have passed your gay test, so I must be gay.

No, I am the gay. You're probably just a bit poofy.

I am gay. I've had sex with men.

-That's more than you've had, Daffyd!

-Shut up!

-I am the only gay in the village and that's that!

-Maybe I should go.

Yes, back to Cardiff. We've already got one gay here.

Well, goodbye, then.

Provincial queens.

Daffyd Thomas, you bloody fool. You could have had a bit of cock there!

"I'm the only gay in the village." You're full of shit, you are!

That's the homophobic attitude I've come to expect! Good day!

Now, about this essay...

I've done it!

Yep, I have one or two problems with it.

"What was Lord Kitchener's role in World War One?

"No, but yeah.

"In World War One or somefink, there was this bloke, right, called Kitchen or somefink or nofink

"who done this fing but he ain't not even not done it so shut up.

-"Anyway, Kathy reckons she saw Candice getting off with Tony Tozer?"

-Tozer, yeah.

"But don't listen to her because she's got one tit bigger than the other."

Vicky, this simply won't do.

Why is there a problem with spellin'?

'So, Home Secretary, what are your priorities for the next 12 months?

'I would say the biggest challenge we face now

'is the increasing influx of minstrels.

'I would say there is a case for a good deal of them to be sent back to Minstrel-land.

'In my constituency, over the weekend...'

# Swanee! How I love ya, how I love ya

# My dear old Swanee

# I'd give the world to be

# Among the folks in D-I-X-I-E

# Even now my Mammy's waiting for me Praying for me down by the Swanee. #

I think we're gonna need another tin.

In fact, get two!

I hope you've enjoyed tonight's programme.

If not, you might like to jot down the names currently on your screen

and make obscene phone calls to them. There's mine now!

Until next time, goodbye.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

No, I'm NOT wearing any knickers.