Episode 2 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain.

Land of tradition. Fish and fries.

The changing of the garden.

Trooping the coloureds.

But have you ever wondered about the people of Britain? Nor have I.

This show aims to follow the lives of ordinary British folk.

What is them? Who drew they?

And why?

Have you ever done it gay wise?

I have - it's a hoot.

It's late three, and woolly woofter Daffyd Thomas is popping into his local newsagents'.

-Hello, Mrs Llewellyn.

-Oh, hello, Daffyd.

And what can I do you for today?

A quarter of bonbons and a copy of Gay Times, please.

-It's my only outlet.

-Is it not on the rack, love?

-I couldn't see it.

-It must have gone.

-I'm sorry?

-We only get one in for you. Somebody must have bought it.

I think you'll find I am the only gay in this village.

I remember. Somebody definitely bought it yesterday.

It's got Hazell Dean in it and an informative article on rimming.

Who bought it?

Do you know - I can't remember.

-Think.

-Well, now, um...

-Come on, woman!

-Well, now, let's think. Who came in yesterday?

Dai Davies, the music master.

-He's not gay.

-Well, he does share a cottage with the English master.

-They're just friends.

-No, come to think of it, he just bought Vogue.

-See - he's not gay! Who else? Quickly!

-Father Hughes.

-A gay priest? What planet are you on, woman?

-Oh, I remember.

-Go on.

Yes, I was quite surprised, actually, because I had absolutely no idea he liked cock.

-Who? Who?

-I'd just popped next door to the tea rooms for a bun and I...

For the love of God, woman, tell me!

-Noel Jones.

-Who?

The blacksmith.

Right!

-Hello, Daffyd.

-I'm commandeering this vehicle.

Right, I want a word with you!

What's this I've been hearing about..

Ooh!

Daffyd. Daffyd Thomas.

-You must be Noel.

-No, I'm his brother, Rhys. Noel!

I...I...I...left something in the oven.

It's late early evening and Lou is taking his friend Andy out for dinner.

The, er, table's booked for seven.

We'd better get you dressed, then, hadn't we?

-Yeah.

-Now, what do you want to wear?

Smurf.

Smurf? You want to wear your Smurf outfit?

Yeah.

It's quite a smart restaurant. I'm not really sure a Smurf outfit is appropriate for where we're going.

-Yeah, I know.

-So what do you want to wear?

Smurf.

This Chinese food is delicious.

I look a pillock.

Do you do crisps?

Swimming pools in Britain have very strict rules -

no bombing, no petting, no ducking and no fondue parties.

PEEP! PEEEEEP!

Excuse me, can I have a word?

I've just been speaking to a little girl who says you pushed her in the pool. Did you?

No, but yeah, but no, because what happened was you know the Redmond sisters?

They put a verruca sock in Carrie's bag and she completely had an eppy

and went to Kamal Sharma's party with a compass

but Shelley gave Craig Herman a blowy for a bite of his Funny Foot.

I asked you if you pushed that girl.

No, because I was with Michaela because she was crying because you know Dominic Malone?

He was supposed to be meeting her but Ian Papworth who I once got off with as a joke

nicked a bottle of Dubonnet off Stacy's mum and hid it

but he didn't like it so he threw it at some gypos.

Did you push her?

I would never do that because I had a friend like that a man pushed a man,

and the man died and that's true

and Johnno tripped up Dean Hurst and he had 300 stitches in his face

so Dean's mum went down Johnno's dad's car showroom and done her dirty business on an Astra.

Get out and get changed.

-I'm just going to have a wee first and then I'll get changed.

-Be quick.

Right, I'll go and get changed.

Don't go giving me evils!

Bitch.

-PEEP!

-Oh, shut up!

At Kelsey Grammar School in Flange, the boys are preparing to take a test.

Absolute silence while the test is in progress, please.

I don't want to hear a pin drop.

Right, now...

..you may begin.

SULTRY SAXOPHONE MUSIC

Meanwhile, at this institution in Flatley, Dr Lawrence is showing an inspector round.

Currently, we have 40 residential patients

and, as you can see, we do like to keep things very relaxed here.

-CHICKEN NOISES

-I don't subscribe to the school of keeping everyone locked up.

I'll need those glasses back, Anne.

-Ultimately, it's all about trust.

-PHONE RINGS

Eh-uh-uh?

Fortunately, when I came here, I was able to gain, quite quickly, the respect of everybody...

and, er...it's all in the folder.

Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is in the middle of his morning briefing.

Have the opinion poll results come through, Sebastian?

-Yes, I've got them here, Prime Minister.

-What are people saying?

They're happy with your work on Northern Ireland and the NHS.

They'd like to see you in shorts.

-Shorts?

-Yes, Prime Minister, just a pair of cycling shorts or something.

-Oh!

-They like the fact that you're assuming a tough stance on crime

and they like it when your hair's a bit wet because you look kind of soppy.

They would like to see you wrestle a man.

-I'm sorry?

-Bosnia, good. Education, could do better. Wrestling men, I've covered.

-Can I have a look at them?

Yeah, just right here. Um, now, um..

Railtrack. Oh, you've got an eyelash. Stay still. Stay still.

(Make a wish.)

Darling, there's your suit for the Treasury dinner. We're running late so you'll have to get changed here.

-Oh, thank you, darling, yes.

-Have you seen my earrings?

-Which ones?

-You know Sebastian, don't you?

-Oh, hello, Sebastian.

-Hi.

-How are you?

-Fine.

-We're having a meeting here!

-Have you tried the bathroom?

-Of course.

Now, don't be long.

-See you later, darling.

-I'm not going.

-I was talking to my wife.

-Oh.

-Bye, Sebastian.

Whatever.

So, anyway, um... Oh God! I've completely forgotten what I was going to say!

Thanks for coming in. I should get changed now.

Oh, yes, of course, of course.

-You'll speak to the Foreign Secretary about Tuesday?

-I'll get straight onto it.

-Great.

Oh, yes, can you approve the budget overspend by first thing on Monday because it's quite...

big?

Yes. If you don't mind...

Quick, sir - get down!

-What's wrong?

-I thought there was a sniper, Prime Minister.

-Where?

By the window, but there isn't.

-Can we get up now?

-Give it a minute.

This is the communal garden and we all look after it together.

CHICKEN NOISES

Anne there has decided those flowers might look better...where are you going to put them, Anne?

Deh-deah!

Just there.

Visitors often ask if we have a team of professional gardeners.

Eh-eh-eh! Deh!

-Oh, yes, Anne is particularly fond of this tree.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-MAN'S VOICE:

-Hello.

I'm just in the middle of something at the moment. Can I call you back? ..OK. Bye-bye.

LOUD MOANS

MOURNFUL NOISE

The clients do find it very therapeutic, too.

Sssshhh!

Come on!

HOOVER STARTS UP

In Herby, Lou is making some changes to his friend Andy's bathroom.

So, I'm gonna put these here and here, OK?

Yeah.

-Why?

-So you can do toilet when I'm not here.

-Yeah, I know.

-So we think, one here, yes?

-Yeah.

-And one here - yeah?

-Yeah.

-Because I'm gonna have to drill into the wall, you know?

-Yeah, I know.

-Could you pass me the drill?

-No, I can't reach it.

Right, I've finished. Do you wanna come and have a look?

Right.

Here we go!

Ta-da! What do you reckon?

Yeah, I like it. What's it for?

So you can do toilet when I'm not here.

Yeah, I know.

-Do you want to try it out?

-Yeah.

All right, I'll leave you to it.

-WATER SPLASHES

-How are you getting on?

Yeah, fine.

TOILET FLUSHES

This is the home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.

Books were introduced into Britain in the 1950s.

Early books had no words or pictures,

but nowadays the book world is thriving, with over seven books published every year.

And with that, Clarence took Amelia into his arms, held her and kissed her,

like a woman had never been kissed before.

The End.

Truffle, I think.

How many pages, Miss Grace?

-Seventy-six.

-Oh.

Then... they went to the shops for a bit.

Didn't really see anything they liked, came home and had a big proper kiss and cuddle.

The End. Do you know, I think I'll have a truffle.

Oh! There was a full box here this morning. You've been scoffing again, haven't you, Miss Grace?

-I haven't touched them.

-I've got my eye on you.

Then they watched a very long television programme, which took up lots of pages.

The End. How many pages?

Still not enough, I'm afraid.

Oh, well, let's come back to that one. What's it called again?

Er...Lady In White.

Well, let's start another one.

The Lady In Mauve.

Chapter One.

The End.

This is the newly built St God's Hospital in Shireshire,

which was opened just last year by Dame Rhona Cameron.

Go through there and downstairs.

We'll give it another minute, then we'll go.

-Hello. Is this Katy's room?

-Oh, David! David Soul. Thank you so much for coming.

-Not at all.

-I got your letter. I thought if I could help...

-You being here will make a huge difference.

How are you, sweetheart? How's she doing?

She's all right but, David Soul, tell us about you.

-Any more Starsky and Hutch in the pipeline?

-Not currently.

What about a new album? It's been a while since 1997's Leave A Light On.

-Maybe. Maybe next year. I'm focusing on acting right now.

-Oh, yeah!

-We saw you in Holby City.

-We couldn't believe it. "Look, there's David Soul in Holby City."

That's what we said.

You, uh, you still in touch with Huggy Bear?

Christmas cards.

-Better get the address right.

-Yeah - why's that?

Otherwise it might go to Yogi Bear.

-Don't mind him, David.

-I'm just having a laugh with you.

-It's just his way. He's playing with you.

-Bit of a joker.

So tell me, um...

What does Katy want to do when she grows up?

Don't know, David. She's quite ill.

# Don't give up on us, baby Just give us one more try... #

# Come on, Silver Lady Say the words

# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do... #

# When I need you, I just close my eyes and I feel you... #

Leo Sayer.

Stupid cow.

Oh, I nearly forgot. Pass the LP.

Ooh, yeah, yeah.

-Ask him to sign...

-David Soul.

Would you mind signing an LP for us, please?

Thank you.

Is that Katy with a Y?

No it's Joan with a J.

And Rod. Just Rod.

-David Essex is in reception.

-We'll have to hurry you out, David.

I hope you don't mind.

-It's a pleasure to meet you both.

-Absolutely.

And I do hope that Katy gets better soon.

Yeah, I'm sure she will.

Thank you, David Soul.

Through there.

What's he put?

"To Rod and Joan, Screw You, David Soul."

It must be an American thing.

Community Centres in Britain are ideal places for all kinds of groups to meet.

It's half past Tula and Marjorie Dawes is taking her weekly Fat Fighters' class.

Now, a little bird told me that somebody - not naming any names -

has been going around saying they've been following the diet and they haven't been losing any weight.

And that Fat Fighters is just a rip-off.

Well, in answer to this shit-stirrer...

..we've got a special visit from the Fat Fighters Slimmer of the Year.

ALL: Ooh! His name is Cliff Roberts.

Now, before I bring him out, just have a look at this. This is what he used to look like.

Have a look at that. And these, would you believe, are his trousers.

So please welcome the Fat Fighters Slimmer of the Year, Cliff Roberts!

APPLAUSE

Can I have my, er...

Now you are Slimmer of the Year because you lost the most weight out of anybody.

How much did you lose?

About three stones and nine pounds.

Three stones and nine pounds.

See!

And how much do you weigh now?

Nineteen stones and one pound.

Nineteen stones and one pound.

Yeah. OK. Let's just get this into perspective.

Come and stand by your cut-out for a minute.

There we go. See, you would hardly recognise him, would you?

Sit back down.

Now, what we all want to know is how you came to lose all this weight.

I just ate sensibly and exercised.

-You found the special Fat Fighters range helped?

-No, they're a waste.

-Good.

So, what would you say to someone who's a bit of a Judas and who is thinking of leaving Fat Fighters?

-Being around other people who are also...

-Don't tell me, tell him.

Having other people around who are trying to lose weight gives you that extra boost,

so if you want to lose weight, keep coming.

Yeah...you fat shit!

-Well, I wouldn't call him that, because that will lower his self-esteem.

-No.

So, um...

Ooh, they're like tits, aren't they?

We do eat together and I think that's good for everybody.

We're not trying to implement any sort of hierarchical structure.

Eh-eh-eh!

Thank you, Anne. Yes, I think it's no small tribute

that when people come and see us they ask who are the doctors and who are the patients.

When the Chief Medical Officer came to see us, er...

I think it was either August or - was it August?

He said the same thing, and that was a real lift to everybody who works here.

Cos...that was great.

That was really good. So...

We're not quite ready for coffee just yet, Anne, but thank you.

-Or tea. You don't want tea now, Dr Beagrie, do you?

-No.

I find that if you can break down some of these barriers,

you'd be amazed at some of the results.

We had, er...somebody come and see us recently...

A troubled time. They were quite distressed when they came here.

They'd been in and out of hospital over a number of years

and, er...we can talk about this later.

Meanwhile, Jason is joining his friend Gary for Sunday luncheon.

It is the law in Britain that on Sundays, everyone must eat a roast.

The most popular meats are beef, lamb, pork and bat.

-Come in.

-Something smells nice.

-You know Julie.

-All right?

-Hi.

-And you remember me nan.

Oh, yeah.

ROMANTIC MUSIC

Have a seat.

Grub's up!

-Hi, Jason.

-Hiya. Sorry I'm late.

-Oh, I forgot the salt.

-Oh, let me, Mrs Leigh.

I can't remember the last time we had someone for Sunday lunch.

Well, it's just nice to spend time with you...all.

Wine, anybody?

Not for me, thanks.

Nice potatoes, Mum.

Is that the dog? What?

I can feel something under the table.

I put him out earlier.

So, you got a girlfriend, Jason?

No, I haven't. I'm single currently.

Mum - gravy all down yourself!

Oh, dear.

Honestly.

I've got more meat, more peas, more carrots and I can do more gravy if anyone wants.

-I'm all right, thanks, Mum.

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, there's more if anyone wants.

-SHE CHOKES

-What's the matter, Mum?

Something's gone down the wrong way.

-SHE GASPS

-Mum, are you all right?

Oh, Gary, get your nan a glass of water.

It's OK.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

That's got it.

BOY COUGHS

Sssshhh!

FIZZZZ! >

ROCKET SQUEALS, THEN EXPLODES

Chinese food was invented by Professor Stewart Tennant in 1986

and has been very popular ever since.

We're out for a nice quiet meal.

Can you try not to mention the whole...you know what.

-What's that?

-You know what I mean, Liz.

-What - that I was Mollie Sugden's bridesmaid?

-Yes.

-Sometimes it just comes up naturally in conversation.

Let's have an "I was Mollie Sugden's bridesmaid"-free night tonight.

-All right, Clive.

-Can I take your order?

Are You Being Served, or shall I go first?

-Liz.

-I'll have the seaweed, please, to start. That's My Boy.

And I'll have the sesame prawn toast.

Oh, prawns. That's what I had at Mollie Sugden's wedding, where I was bridesmaid.

And for the main course.

We'll have a 27, a 108 and the egg fried rice, please.

She's very nice. Down to earth.

Quite different from her character, the snooty Mrs Slocombe.

And before you ask, no, the wedding dress wasn't from Grace Brothers. Perish the thought!

From Grace Brothers! Ha-ha-ha!

-Liz.

-People want to know.

-Well, it's boring.

-Well, That's Life.

Now do us all a Grace And Favour and shut up about it.

And to drink?

I'll just have a beer, please.

I'll have a glass of Mollie - oh, I mean water. Sorry. Did someone say Mollie Sugden?

-Are you talking about that woman in Are You Being Served?

-I think so. Is that the one she's in, Clive?

She's very funny, with all those jokes about her cat. I'll get your drink.

If he asks one more question about Mollie Sugden, I'll scream.

-"DISGUISED" AS COUGH:

-Mollie Sugden.

Meanwhile, at St God's Hospital,

# Bye bye baby, baby, goodbye

# Bye bye baby Don't make me cry... #

Nothing.

Do...do...do another one.

-I'll do, um... # Give a little love Take a little love... #

-No, she doesn't really like that one.

-# Shang-a-lang... #

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-She likes that.

-# Shang-a-lang

# Shang-a-lang

# Shang-a-lang... #

Roughly one second later, in the northern town of Scoffage...

-Yeah?

-Sam?

-Yeah.

-Sam Bailey?

-Yeah.

I'm here to give you your driving lesson.

I thought you'd come to arrest me! I'll get me jacket.

There isn't time. I'm afraid you'll have to come now.

-You're not a policeman?

-Took early retirement. Forced into it.

Are you allowed to wear the uniform?

All me other clothes are in the wash. Here she is -

the Duchess. Get in, soft lad.

Thick as a puddle!

-Put your foot down!

-What?

-Faster!

-Isn't it a 30-mile limit?

-What speed are you doing?

-Er...72.

-Stop the car!

Is this your vehicle, sir?

-No, it's yours.

-Driver's licence?

-I was rather hoping you could help me out on that one.

-Oh, dear, we've got a comedian.

Blow into this.

Give us that.

-What's this?

-A poodle?

No, it's boy racer.

Just turned 17, gets into a car, thinks he's Niki Lauda.

-I've got my eye on you.

-All right.

Now on your way, you black bastard.

Ian.

I've just spoken to Mr McWhirter and he says they're only measuring from the top of the head down.

-What shall we do?

-Go for a drink.

What have we learned this evening?

Some ducks have bells and some don't,

but murder isn't morally wrong

and most importantly,

we've learned how to tell a goblin from a hobgoblin. Goodbyeeeeee!