Episode 2 Little Britain


Episode 2

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Britain, Britain, Britain.

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Land of tradition. Fish and fries.

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The changing of the garden.

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Trooping the coloureds.

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But have you ever wondered about the people of Britain? Nor have I.

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This show aims to follow the lives of ordinary British folk.

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What is them? Who drew they?

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And why?

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Have you ever done it gay wise?

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I have - it's a hoot.

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It's late three, and woolly woofter Daffyd Thomas is popping into his local newsagents'.

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-Hello, Mrs Llewellyn.

-Oh, hello, Daffyd.

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And what can I do you for today?

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A quarter of bonbons and a copy of Gay Times, please.

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-It's my only outlet.

-Is it not on the rack, love?

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-I couldn't see it.

-It must have gone.

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-I'm sorry?

-We only get one in for you. Somebody must have bought it.

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I think you'll find I am the only gay in this village.

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I remember. Somebody definitely bought it yesterday.

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It's got Hazell Dean in it and an informative article on rimming.

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Who bought it?

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Do you know - I can't remember.

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-Think.

-Well, now, um...

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-Come on, woman!

-Well, now, let's think. Who came in yesterday?

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Dai Davies, the music master.

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-He's not gay.

-Well, he does share a cottage with the English master.

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-They're just friends.

-No, come to think of it, he just bought Vogue.

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-See - he's not gay! Who else? Quickly!

-Father Hughes.

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-A gay priest? What planet are you on, woman?

-Oh, I remember.

-Go on.

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Yes, I was quite surprised, actually, because I had absolutely no idea he liked cock.

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-Who? Who?

-I'd just popped next door to the tea rooms for a bun and I...

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For the love of God, woman, tell me!

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-Noel Jones.

-Who?

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The blacksmith.

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Right!

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-Hello, Daffyd.

-I'm commandeering this vehicle.

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Right, I want a word with you!

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What's this I've been hearing about..

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Ooh!

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Daffyd. Daffyd Thomas.

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-You must be Noel.

-No, I'm his brother, Rhys. Noel!

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I...I...I...left something in the oven.

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It's late early evening and Lou is taking his friend Andy out for dinner.

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The, er, table's booked for seven.

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We'd better get you dressed, then, hadn't we?

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-Yeah.

-Now, what do you want to wear?

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Smurf.

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Smurf? You want to wear your Smurf outfit?

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Yeah.

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It's quite a smart restaurant. I'm not really sure a Smurf outfit is appropriate for where we're going.

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-Yeah, I know.

-So what do you want to wear?

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Smurf.

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This Chinese food is delicious.

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I look a pillock.

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Do you do crisps?

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Swimming pools in Britain have very strict rules -

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no bombing, no petting, no ducking and no fondue parties.

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PEEP! PEEEEEP!

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Excuse me, can I have a word?

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I've just been speaking to a little girl who says you pushed her in the pool. Did you?

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No, but yeah, but no, because what happened was you know the Redmond sisters?

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They put a verruca sock in Carrie's bag and she completely had an eppy

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and went to Kamal Sharma's party with a compass

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but Shelley gave Craig Herman a blowy for a bite of his Funny Foot.

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I asked you if you pushed that girl.

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No, because I was with Michaela because she was crying because you know Dominic Malone?

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He was supposed to be meeting her but Ian Papworth who I once got off with as a joke

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nicked a bottle of Dubonnet off Stacy's mum and hid it

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but he didn't like it so he threw it at some gypos.

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Did you push her?

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I would never do that because I had a friend like that a man pushed a man,

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and the man died and that's true

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and Johnno tripped up Dean Hurst and he had 300 stitches in his face

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so Dean's mum went down Johnno's dad's car showroom and done her dirty business on an Astra.

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Get out and get changed.

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-I'm just going to have a wee first and then I'll get changed.

-Be quick.

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Right, I'll go and get changed.

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Don't go giving me evils!

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Bitch.

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-PEEP!

-Oh, shut up!

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At Kelsey Grammar School in Flange, the boys are preparing to take a test.

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Absolute silence while the test is in progress, please.

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I don't want to hear a pin drop.

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Right, now...

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..you may begin.

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SULTRY SAXOPHONE MUSIC

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Meanwhile, at this institution in Flatley, Dr Lawrence is showing an inspector round.

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Currently, we have 40 residential patients

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and, as you can see, we do like to keep things very relaxed here.

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-CHICKEN NOISES

-I don't subscribe to the school of keeping everyone locked up.

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I'll need those glasses back, Anne.

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-Ultimately, it's all about trust.

-PHONE RINGS

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Eh-uh-uh?

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Fortunately, when I came here, I was able to gain, quite quickly, the respect of everybody...

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and, er...it's all in the folder.

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Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is in the middle of his morning briefing.

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Have the opinion poll results come through, Sebastian?

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-Yes, I've got them here, Prime Minister.

-What are people saying?

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They're happy with your work on Northern Ireland and the NHS.

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They'd like to see you in shorts.

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-Shorts?

-Yes, Prime Minister, just a pair of cycling shorts or something.

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-Oh!

-They like the fact that you're assuming a tough stance on crime

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and they like it when your hair's a bit wet because you look kind of soppy.

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They would like to see you wrestle a man.

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-I'm sorry?

-Bosnia, good. Education, could do better. Wrestling men, I've covered.

-Can I have a look at them?

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Yeah, just right here. Um, now, um..

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Railtrack. Oh, you've got an eyelash. Stay still. Stay still.

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(Make a wish.)

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Darling, there's your suit for the Treasury dinner. We're running late so you'll have to get changed here.

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-Oh, thank you, darling, yes.

-Have you seen my earrings?

-Which ones?

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-You know Sebastian, don't you?

-Oh, hello, Sebastian.

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-Hi.

-How are you?

-Fine.

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-We're having a meeting here!

-Have you tried the bathroom?

-Of course.

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Now, don't be long.

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-See you later, darling.

-I'm not going.

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-I was talking to my wife.

-Oh.

-Bye, Sebastian.

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Whatever.

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So, anyway, um... Oh God! I've completely forgotten what I was going to say!

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Thanks for coming in. I should get changed now.

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Oh, yes, of course, of course.

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-You'll speak to the Foreign Secretary about Tuesday?

-I'll get straight onto it.

-Great.

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Oh, yes, can you approve the budget overspend by first thing on Monday because it's quite...

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big?

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Yes. If you don't mind...

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Quick, sir - get down!

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-What's wrong?

-I thought there was a sniper, Prime Minister.

-Where?

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By the window, but there isn't.

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-Can we get up now?

-Give it a minute.

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This is the communal garden and we all look after it together.

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CHICKEN NOISES

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Anne there has decided those flowers might look better...where are you going to put them, Anne?

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Deh-deah!

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Just there.

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Visitors often ask if we have a team of professional gardeners.

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Eh-eh-eh! Deh!

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-Oh, yes, Anne is particularly fond of this tree.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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-MAN'S VOICE:

-Hello.

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I'm just in the middle of something at the moment. Can I call you back? ..OK. Bye-bye.

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LOUD MOANS

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MOURNFUL NOISE

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The clients do find it very therapeutic, too.

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Sssshhh!

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Come on!

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HOOVER STARTS UP

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In Herby, Lou is making some changes to his friend Andy's bathroom.

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So, I'm gonna put these here and here, OK?

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Yeah.

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-Why?

-So you can do toilet when I'm not here.

-Yeah, I know.

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-So we think, one here, yes?

-Yeah.

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-And one here - yeah?

-Yeah.

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-Because I'm gonna have to drill into the wall, you know?

-Yeah, I know.

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-Could you pass me the drill?

-No, I can't reach it.

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Right, I've finished. Do you wanna come and have a look?

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Right.

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Here we go!

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Ta-da! What do you reckon?

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Yeah, I like it. What's it for?

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So you can do toilet when I'm not here.

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Yeah, I know.

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-Do you want to try it out?

-Yeah.

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All right, I'll leave you to it.

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-WATER SPLASHES

-How are you getting on?

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Yeah, fine.

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TOILET FLUSHES

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This is the home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.

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Books were introduced into Britain in the 1950s.

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Early books had no words or pictures,

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but nowadays the book world is thriving, with over seven books published every year.

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And with that, Clarence took Amelia into his arms, held her and kissed her,

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like a woman had never been kissed before.

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The End.

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Truffle, I think.

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How many pages, Miss Grace?

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-Seventy-six.

-Oh.

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Then... they went to the shops for a bit.

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Didn't really see anything they liked, came home and had a big proper kiss and cuddle.

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The End. Do you know, I think I'll have a truffle.

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Oh! There was a full box here this morning. You've been scoffing again, haven't you, Miss Grace?

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-I haven't touched them.

-I've got my eye on you.

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Then they watched a very long television programme, which took up lots of pages.

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The End. How many pages?

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Still not enough, I'm afraid.

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Oh, well, let's come back to that one. What's it called again?

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Er...Lady In White.

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Well, let's start another one.

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The Lady In Mauve.

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Chapter One.

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The End.

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This is the newly built St God's Hospital in Shireshire,

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which was opened just last year by Dame Rhona Cameron.

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Go through there and downstairs.

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We'll give it another minute, then we'll go.

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-Hello. Is this Katy's room?

-Oh, David! David Soul. Thank you so much for coming.

-Not at all.

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-I got your letter. I thought if I could help...

-You being here will make a huge difference.

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How are you, sweetheart? How's she doing?

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She's all right but, David Soul, tell us about you.

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-Any more Starsky and Hutch in the pipeline?

-Not currently.

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What about a new album? It's been a while since 1997's Leave A Light On.

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-Maybe. Maybe next year. I'm focusing on acting right now.

-Oh, yeah!

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-We saw you in Holby City.

-We couldn't believe it. "Look, there's David Soul in Holby City."

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That's what we said.

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You, uh, you still in touch with Huggy Bear?

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Christmas cards.

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-Better get the address right.

-Yeah - why's that?

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Otherwise it might go to Yogi Bear.

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-Don't mind him, David.

-I'm just having a laugh with you.

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-It's just his way. He's playing with you.

-Bit of a joker.

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So tell me, um...

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What does Katy want to do when she grows up?

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Don't know, David. She's quite ill.

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# Don't give up on us, baby Just give us one more try... #

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# Come on, Silver Lady Say the words

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# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do... #

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# When I need you, I just close my eyes and I feel you... #

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Leo Sayer.

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Stupid cow.

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Oh, I nearly forgot. Pass the LP.

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Ooh, yeah, yeah.

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-Ask him to sign...

-David Soul.

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Would you mind signing an LP for us, please?

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Thank you.

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Is that Katy with a Y?

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No it's Joan with a J.

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And Rod. Just Rod.

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-David Essex is in reception.

-We'll have to hurry you out, David.

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I hope you don't mind.

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-It's a pleasure to meet you both.

-Absolutely.

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And I do hope that Katy gets better soon.

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Yeah, I'm sure she will.

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Thank you, David Soul.

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Through there.

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What's he put?

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"To Rod and Joan, Screw You, David Soul."

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It must be an American thing.

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Community Centres in Britain are ideal places for all kinds of groups to meet.

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It's half past Tula and Marjorie Dawes is taking her weekly Fat Fighters' class.

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Now, a little bird told me that somebody - not naming any names -

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has been going around saying they've been following the diet and they haven't been losing any weight.

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And that Fat Fighters is just a rip-off.

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Well, in answer to this shit-stirrer...

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..we've got a special visit from the Fat Fighters Slimmer of the Year.

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ALL: Ooh! His name is Cliff Roberts.

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Now, before I bring him out, just have a look at this. This is what he used to look like.

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Have a look at that. And these, would you believe, are his trousers.

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So please welcome the Fat Fighters Slimmer of the Year, Cliff Roberts!

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APPLAUSE

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Can I have my, er...

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Now you are Slimmer of the Year because you lost the most weight out of anybody.

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How much did you lose?

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About three stones and nine pounds.

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Three stones and nine pounds.

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See!

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And how much do you weigh now?

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Nineteen stones and one pound.

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Nineteen stones and one pound.

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Yeah. OK. Let's just get this into perspective.

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Come and stand by your cut-out for a minute.

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There we go. See, you would hardly recognise him, would you?

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Sit back down.

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Now, what we all want to know is how you came to lose all this weight.

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I just ate sensibly and exercised.

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-You found the special Fat Fighters range helped?

-No, they're a waste.

-Good.

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So, what would you say to someone who's a bit of a Judas and who is thinking of leaving Fat Fighters?

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-Being around other people who are also...

-Don't tell me, tell him.

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Having other people around who are trying to lose weight gives you that extra boost,

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so if you want to lose weight, keep coming.

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Yeah...you fat shit!

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-Well, I wouldn't call him that, because that will lower his self-esteem.

-No.

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So, um...

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Ooh, they're like tits, aren't they?

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We do eat together and I think that's good for everybody.

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We're not trying to implement any sort of hierarchical structure.

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Eh-eh-eh!

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Thank you, Anne. Yes, I think it's no small tribute

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that when people come and see us they ask who are the doctors and who are the patients.

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When the Chief Medical Officer came to see us, er...

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I think it was either August or - was it August?

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He said the same thing, and that was a real lift to everybody who works here.

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Cos...that was great.

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That was really good. So...

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We're not quite ready for coffee just yet, Anne, but thank you.

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-Or tea. You don't want tea now, Dr Beagrie, do you?

-No.

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I find that if you can break down some of these barriers,

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you'd be amazed at some of the results.

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We had, er...somebody come and see us recently...

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A troubled time. They were quite distressed when they came here.

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They'd been in and out of hospital over a number of years

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and, er...we can talk about this later.

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Meanwhile, Jason is joining his friend Gary for Sunday luncheon.

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It is the law in Britain that on Sundays, everyone must eat a roast.

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The most popular meats are beef, lamb, pork and bat.

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-Come in.

-Something smells nice.

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-You know Julie.

-All right?

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-Hi.

-And you remember me nan.

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Oh, yeah.

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ROMANTIC MUSIC

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Have a seat.

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Grub's up!

0:20:470:20:50

-Hi, Jason.

-Hiya. Sorry I'm late.

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-Oh, I forgot the salt.

-Oh, let me, Mrs Leigh.

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I can't remember the last time we had someone for Sunday lunch.

0:21:030:21:07

Well, it's just nice to spend time with you...all.

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Wine, anybody?

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Not for me, thanks.

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Nice potatoes, Mum.

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Is that the dog? What?

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I can feel something under the table.

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I put him out earlier.

0:21:390:21:42

So, you got a girlfriend, Jason?

0:21:420:21:45

No, I haven't. I'm single currently.

0:21:450:21:47

Mum - gravy all down yourself!

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Oh, dear.

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Honestly.

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I've got more meat, more peas, more carrots and I can do more gravy if anyone wants.

0:22:110:22:16

-I'm all right, thanks, Mum.

-Yeah, I'm fine.

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Well, there's more if anyone wants.

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-SHE CHOKES

-What's the matter, Mum?

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Something's gone down the wrong way.

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-SHE GASPS

-Mum, are you all right?

0:22:270:22:31

Oh, Gary, get your nan a glass of water.

0:22:310:22:33

It's OK.

0:22:330:22:34

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

0:22:440:22:48

That's got it.

0:22:560:22:57

BOY COUGHS

0:23:090:23:11

Sssshhh!

0:23:110:23:12

FIZZZZ! >

0:23:140:23:16

ROCKET SQUEALS, THEN EXPLODES

0:23:190:23:24

Chinese food was invented by Professor Stewart Tennant in 1986

0:23:240:23:30

and has been very popular ever since.

0:23:300:23:34

We're out for a nice quiet meal.

0:23:340:23:36

Can you try not to mention the whole...you know what.

0:23:360:23:40

-What's that?

-You know what I mean, Liz.

0:23:400:23:43

-What - that I was Mollie Sugden's bridesmaid?

-Yes.

-Sometimes it just comes up naturally in conversation.

0:23:430:23:50

Let's have an "I was Mollie Sugden's bridesmaid"-free night tonight.

0:23:500:23:54

-All right, Clive.

-Can I take your order?

0:23:540:23:57

Are You Being Served, or shall I go first?

0:23:570:24:01

-Liz.

-I'll have the seaweed, please, to start. That's My Boy.

0:24:010:24:07

And I'll have the sesame prawn toast.

0:24:100:24:12

Oh, prawns. That's what I had at Mollie Sugden's wedding, where I was bridesmaid.

0:24:120:24:18

And for the main course.

0:24:180:24:20

We'll have a 27, a 108 and the egg fried rice, please.

0:24:200:24:25

She's very nice. Down to earth.

0:24:250:24:27

Quite different from her character, the snooty Mrs Slocombe.

0:24:270:24:31

And before you ask, no, the wedding dress wasn't from Grace Brothers. Perish the thought!

0:24:310:24:37

From Grace Brothers! Ha-ha-ha!

0:24:370:24:39

-Liz.

-People want to know.

0:24:390:24:41

-Well, it's boring.

-Well, That's Life.

0:24:410:24:44

Now do us all a Grace And Favour and shut up about it.

0:24:440:24:48

And to drink?

0:24:480:24:49

I'll just have a beer, please.

0:24:490:24:51

I'll have a glass of Mollie - oh, I mean water. Sorry. Did someone say Mollie Sugden?

0:24:510:24:56

-Are you talking about that woman in Are You Being Served?

-I think so. Is that the one she's in, Clive?

0:24:560:25:03

She's very funny, with all those jokes about her cat. I'll get your drink.

0:25:030:25:09

If he asks one more question about Mollie Sugden, I'll scream.

0:25:090:25:13

-"DISGUISED" AS COUGH:

-Mollie Sugden.

0:25:150:25:18

Meanwhile, at St God's Hospital,

0:25:230:25:25

# Bye bye baby, baby, goodbye

0:25:250:25:29

# Bye bye baby Don't make me cry... #

0:25:310:25:36

Nothing.

0:25:390:25:41

Do...do...do another one.

0:25:410:25:42

-I'll do, um... # Give a little love Take a little love... #

-No, she doesn't really like that one.

0:25:420:25:50

-# Shang-a-lang... #

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

0:25:510:25:54

-She likes that.

-# Shang-a-lang

0:25:540:25:58

# Shang-a-lang

0:25:580:26:02

# Shang-a-lang... #

0:26:020:26:04

Roughly one second later, in the northern town of Scoffage...

0:26:040:26:08

-Yeah?

-Sam?

-Yeah.

0:26:120:26:14

-Sam Bailey?

-Yeah.

0:26:140:26:16

I'm here to give you your driving lesson.

0:26:160:26:18

I thought you'd come to arrest me! I'll get me jacket.

0:26:180:26:21

There isn't time. I'm afraid you'll have to come now.

0:26:210:26:24

-You're not a policeman?

-Took early retirement. Forced into it.

0:26:250:26:29

Are you allowed to wear the uniform?

0:26:290:26:32

All me other clothes are in the wash. Here she is -

0:26:320:26:35

the Duchess. Get in, soft lad.

0:26:350:26:38

Thick as a puddle!

0:26:380:26:41

-Put your foot down!

-What?

0:26:410:26:43

-Faster!

-Isn't it a 30-mile limit?

-What speed are you doing?

0:26:440:26:47

-Er...72.

-Stop the car!

0:26:470:26:50

Is this your vehicle, sir?

0:27:000:27:02

-No, it's yours.

-Driver's licence?

0:27:020:27:04

-I was rather hoping you could help me out on that one.

-Oh, dear, we've got a comedian.

0:27:040:27:10

Blow into this.

0:27:100:27:13

Give us that.

0:27:200:27:22

-What's this?

-A poodle?

0:27:240:27:26

No, it's boy racer.

0:27:260:27:28

Just turned 17, gets into a car, thinks he's Niki Lauda.

0:27:280:27:31

-I've got my eye on you.

-All right.

0:27:310:27:33

Now on your way, you black bastard.

0:27:330:27:37

Ian.

0:27:450:27:47

I've just spoken to Mr McWhirter and he says they're only measuring from the top of the head down.

0:27:470:27:53

-What shall we do?

-Go for a drink.

0:27:560:27:58

What have we learned this evening?

0:27:590:28:02

Some ducks have bells and some don't,

0:28:020:28:05

but murder isn't morally wrong

0:28:050:28:07

and most importantly,

0:28:070:28:09

we've learned how to tell a goblin from a hobgoblin. Goodbyeeeeee!

0:28:090:28:14

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