Episode 3 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain.

There's an old saying in Britain - "Britain is top banana." Yeah!

But why is it so great?

I'll tell you why it. It's because of the people that live in Britain.

And it is these people what we will be following

in this award-breaking series.

Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister, who is one of the most important people in this country,

after myself and my friend Colin Gray,

is going through the morning papers with his aide, Sebastian.

And what about the broadsheets?

The Guardian go with, "By-election disaster for Government."

The Times - "PM under fire."

The Telegraph - "Black day for PM."

Are you all right, Sebastian?

I've just got something in my eye, Prime Minister.

-Independent - "Poll defeat puts PM on the ropes."

-HE SOBS

Do you want a tissue?

-No, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine...

-What about the tabloids? What does the Sun say?

-Oh, no!

-SOBBING STARTS AGAIN

-What?

-No, no! I can't show you.

-Oh, come on! It can't be all that bad.

It says you're as dead as a dodo. You're not as dead as a dodo!

-All right, Sebastian.

-But you're not as dead as a dodo.

Come on, you're being very silly.

INDISTINCT

-It doesn't matter. Don't get upset about it. I'm not upset.

-I want you to be Prime Minister forever.

Well... Well, I'm not planning on going anywhere just yet.

-Oh, good.

-PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Yeah? OK, thank you. I'll be down. Thank you.

My car's here, Sebastian.

I have to leave now.

OK.

Where are we going?

Thank you, Sebastian. That will be all.

Pubs are very popular in Britain, with over five pubs per person.

A packet of pork scratchings.

Another packet of pork scratchings.

A box of matches.

Anything else?

And four pints of snakebites, please.

You got any ID?

No... Yes... Albany said I'd said Samina's got a moustache. She has, but I never said it.

Paul said I showed him my tit on the school trip to Wookey Hole, but I just showed him my wookey hole!

-If you ain't got ID, I'm not serving you.

-Ask Kevin Flanagan's brother. He reckons I look at least 15.

My best friend goes to school with Gary Soper's sister and Gary is the hardest person in Cotham!

-He went to the canal, found a tyre and threw it at a swan...

-Get out!

No. I have got ID, but I burned it because I didn't even need it!

-You dropped your ID card, Vicky.

-I just remember I never burned it...

This is so unfair! Hayley Chapman went down the Firkin with make-up on and got four Pernod and blacks!

-God, she's so lucky! She's got a council flat, three kids and she's only nine!

-I'm not serving you.

Don't matter, anyway, cos we've got one of these.

Come on, let's go. This place is rubbish.

As a special treat, Lou has taken his friend Andy to the seaside.

-Right, can I have, please, a whippy with a Flake? ..Have you decided what you're having?

-Yeah.

-What do you want?

-Just a cone.

..Another whippy, plain, please.

-No, just a cone!

-..What, just the cone on its own?

-No whippy?

-Yeah.

-It's going to be very dry.

-I know.

Tell you what. Why don't you have just a little ice cream in it?

-You said ice cream was the perfect complement to a hot summer's day.

-Yeah, I know.

-So what's it to be?

Cone.

..And then just a cone on it's own. Thank you.

I want a whippy!

Over at Kelsey Grammar School...

Right! You may have noticed we have a new boy here today.

One or two of you will know him already. He's been put down from the fourth year, and his name is Thorpe.

Say hello, Thorpe.

All right!

If you need an operation in Britain,

you can either perform it yourself in your home, or you can check into a hospital.

At St Mohammed's in Shriek,

stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has gone to see his mother.

That puts me on 84.

Your go.

Want some help, love?

No, thank you, Mother.

-What's that?

-Cupboardy.

-That's not a word.

-Yes, it is. It means, um, cupboard-like.

-Well, I've never heard of that. Pass me the dictionary.

-Mother.

-Yes?

Look into my eyes. The eyes. Look into the eyes. You're under.

In a moment, you will believe that "cupboardy" is in the dictionary, and not a silly word I made up.

-Three, two, one. You're back in the room.

-Oh...cupboardy!

As in cupboard-like?

Well done.

That puts you on 106.

Yeah, 106.

Hello, Mrs Craig. Is this your toy boy?

LAUGHTER No! This is my son Kenny.

Oh, yes, of course! The famous hypnotist.

-So, who's winning?

-I am. I'm winning.

-He just put down cupboardy.

-Cupboardy?! There's no such word.

Look into my eyes. The eyes, the eyes. Look into my eyes.

You're under. Cupboardy IS in the dictionary. Three, two, one...

You did the toy boy gag last week and it didn't work. I'd drop it. Three, two, one...

You're back in the room.

You're right, Mrs Craig. He can't really do it!

Oh, thanks(!)

DOORBELL RINGS

-I don't want to buy any dusters.

-No, we just need a room.

-We're full.

-It says "vacancies".

-No, we're full.

-Are there any other guesthouses you can recommend?

-Not in this town, no. Good day.

Let's just go home. Yeah.

Just as one group is finishing at this community centre, another begins.

Inside, the weekly Fat Fighters meeting has just begun.

Fortunately, I have never suffered from obesity myself, although I do have one very fat hand.

Crisps.

High in fat? Low in fat? Anyone? Crisps...

-Paul.

-High in fat?

High in fat, but low in protein and low in fibre!

So it's not all bad news.

OK. Another one.

Lettuce. Lettuce...

High in fat, low in fat? What do we think? Lettuce. Moira?

-Low in fat.

-Sorry?

-Low in fat.

-Say it again.

-Low in fat.

-Well, I can't...

She said, "Low in fat!"

All right, don't patronise her!

-IN LOUD VOICE:

-..Low in fat. Well done!

OK, we've got time for just one more.

Dust.

Anybody? No?

High in fat? Low in fat? Dust. Anybody?

No? Dust.

Anybody? No?

Dust. Anybody? No? Dust.

Anybody? No?

Dust. Anybody? No? Dust.

It's very low in fat, so you can have as much dust as you like.

OK, moving on. Today is a very special day at Fat Fighters

because we have a new member.

She's a new member. Her name is Barbara and, would you believe, we are related.

Is she your daughter?

No, she's my sister.

-..Nice to see you here.

-Thank you.

-There are normally more people, but Hank Marvin's playing the Pavilion.

-Oh!

-Stay where you are. ..So, a big hello to Barbara!

-ALL: Hello.

-She can't speak English and he's married, so you're out of luck there -

not that that stops you! When we were growing up, Barbara used to tease me. ..Didn't you?

-Do you remember what you said?

-No.

You'd say I was a greedy guts. Well, the shoe is now on the other sock.

I may be a few pounds overweight, but you are something else!

She's had two kids, each by different men, but that's not for here. And she's piled it on!

-Well, I want to lose about a stone.

-A stone?! More like five.

Anyway, what's important is we're here to help.

What advice can we give Barbara to turn her tragic life around? Paul.

Cut out biscuits.

Cut out biscuits. Good.

Anyone else? Mary.

Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.

Something about sugar... But the most useful advice we can give is to look at the person inside

-because you're incredibly unhappy.

-No, I'm not.

-You deserve to be.

Mum doesn't speak to you any more. She thinks the world would be a better place without you.

I spoke to Mum yesterday.

Barbara, we would be grateful if you could leave family matters for outside. Thanks.

OK. The weigh-in. Let's start with, um, Barbara.

Will you be all right to get up or will you need sticks?

Right! One or two of you may have noticed we have a new boy today.

His name is Uppingham, and he comes to us from the 17th century.

Say hello, Uppingham.

Hello.

What time do Sainsbury's shut tonight?

Eight?

(Shit.)

On a Thursday?

It's early evening at the Scarecrow And Mrs King pub in the Welsh mining village of Llandewi Breffi.

-Another Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy.

-Coming right up.

I wish there was more for gay people to do here. It's lonely being the only gay in the village!

What you on about?

There's loads to do. You've just got to look in the local paper. Now...

"Lesbians... Bisexuals... Transgender..." Oh, here we are! "Gay section."

There you go! There's a gay night on Thursdays at the BJ And The Bear pub in Aberfanwy.

-No, I couldn't possibly get over to Aberfanwy.

-It's only half a mile!

No, the stone path is treacherous.

-But the number 4 goes to Aberfanwy.

-Oh, no! I couldn't possibly get on a bus. I'm gay, you see.

"Gay mens' choir...

"Gay rambling society...

"Gay book club. Gay sex club...

"..Gay nation of Islam..."

-There's not much going on, is there?

-Oh! "Gay Trekkies!"

Now that is right up your street. You love Star Trek, don't you?

Well, I don't like Deep Space Nine.

-Look the Gay Trekkies have a meeting on Mondays at eight.

-I've missed it.

-Right here.

-Let me see that!

-That must be them over there.

-They don't look like Star Trek fans to me.

-Course they are!

-Well, they can't be gay!

I tell you, dear, he was hung like a Klingon!

-Talk to them.

-Oh, no! I couldn't possibly walk over there. These hot pants give me terrible chaffing!

Daffyd.

SQUEAKING

Greetings.

-I've been speaking to the barmaid.

-Yes...

She says would you mind drinking up and leaving? Only they don't want your sort round 'ere.

-I did try...

-SQUEAKING

Oh, have you got any Savlon?

I'm red raw down 'ere.

With nothing on the telly but repeats of Dr Who, Medics and that episode of Blackadder II I'm in,

Lou and his friend Andy choose a video tape.

-Have you seen anything you might like yet?

-Yeah, I want that one.

-You want that one?

-Yeah.

But that is Pride And Prejudice.

-Yeah, I know.

-I'm not sure you'll like that one.

-I want that one.

It's all set in the olden days. No, I'm not sure you'll like that.

-You like your Chuck Norrises and your Steven Seagals.

-Yeah, I know.

Just to be on the safe side, why don't we get a film with guns as well, in case you don't like this?

-I want that one.

-You know I am going to go and see Maria tonight.

-So I can't get another one if you don't like it.

-Yeah, I know.

-Are you sure you want this one?

-Yep.

I don't like it.

I'm sorry, but you're stuck with it.

I told you, I've got to go and see Maria. I'll be back around six.

Yeah, monster trucks!

Monster trucks! Monster trucks...

Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside... Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside...

as the famous song goes.

At his guesthouse in Old Haven, not-very-good-transvestite Emily Howard

is showing a gentleman round.

-I don't normally allow single gentlemen to take rooms.

-No?

-No, a lady ought not open a house to men.

-What lady?

-Me. I am a lady.

-Are you?

-Yes.

Jesus! This'll be your room.

It was going to be a nursery. Being a lady, which I am, I was rather hoping to have children one day.

-Really?

-Yes!

But it wasn't to be.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

This is my room.

It has my ladies' things in it - hand lotions, my petticoats...

-You must not come in here.

-Sorry...

Come in.

Oh, I don't know what they're doing there!

Now, you must know there is no lock at the door.

-A man like you could burst in at any time and see me in the altogether.

-Oh, we don't want that.

Yes, we do...

So, um, how much did you say it was?

Well, it's a guinea for the night, but you must remember this is a lady's house and there are rules.

-Oh, yes?

-Yes!

No tobacco smoke, no coarse language and I lock the door at 8pm sharp.

-That might be a problem. I'm working late tonight.

-Oh, what do you do?

-It might interest you, actually. I'm a female impersonator.

-What?!

Yes. I'm appearing at Bachelors.

Miss Terri Lene.

-Get out! Get out!

-What?!

-It's disgusting. Vamoose! Get out of my house. Go! Go!

-Don't worry, pal, I'm off.

Just out of interest, who does your dresses?

Tower blocks were introduced to Britain in the 1960s and were an instant success.

People loved the sense of social alienation, entrapment and the stench of urine in the lifts.

Here on the seventh floor, theatrical leg-end Bernard Chumley

is preparing for a visit from an aspiring young actor.

Ah, you must be Joe.

-Yes.

-Yes, do come in, young Joe.

Through there.

It's the room at the end, young Joe.

Please, um, do take a seat.

That one's a bit wet.

-Tea?

-Thank you.

I read your letter with great interest. Have you written to lots of other important actors?

Yes, but nobody else has actually invited me round to their...

home.

Well, it was such a charming letter...

..and the photograph.

And so...

Tea?

Thank you.

It was so exciting to get a place at RADA, but the fees are just astronomical. It's £6,000 a year!

-Do help yourself to a potato crisp.

-Thank you.

So who else did you write to?

-Well, Sir Derek Jacobi wrote a nice letter.

-Terrible stutter.

-And Sir Anthony Hopkins.

-Oh, he's a sir, now, is he?

-Yes.

-He gave me £200.

-Bastard! He didn't send me a penny. I imagine you've always wanted to be an actor?

-Yes. I've spent every penny on...

-Polo mint?

-No. I spent every penny I had on going to the theatre.

I imagine you've seen muggings here quite a few times over the years?

-No.

-Oh!

Your sister Kitty, I've heard of.

She had an accident?

Yes. Terrible.

Lost the use of her legs.

I can look back on it now and laugh, but at the time it was very...

Boiled egg?

Oh...no. Thank you.

BANGING >

Don't worry, Kitty. It's just the gas man!

-Maybe she needs to go to the toilet?

-Oh, no. She went yesterday.

-Got a girlfriend yet?

-No, I haven't.

Bet you have! I bet all the girls are after you.

Yes... I'd better be off in a mo'.

-I'm having tea with Sir Ian McKellen at the Savoy.

-Oh, I see. A Sugar Puff?

-No...thank you.

-I didn't push her.

-What?

-She fell.

Yes... Actually this is rather embarrassing, but do you think you could help me with my tuition fees?

Yes. Yes, of course.

There you are.

Thank you.

Have you got change?

During the summer months, literally tens of people flock to Scotland for their holidays.

Oh, we're easy to find! When you see the hanging tree, take a left.

When you come to the old well, take a right.

If you pass a scarecrow, you've come too far.

That's right. Opposite IKEA...

Ah, Squire Mackenzie! I trust you enjoyed your stay.

Yes, I shall be submitting a very positive review to the Chronicle.

Just one thing... The three courses for £15 set menu - is that available on a Sunday?

If you were to ask me on a Monday, I'd say yes.

If you were to ask me on a Tuesday, I'd say...yes.

-If you were to ask...

-For heaven's sake! It's a simple question. Do you serve the set menu on a Sunday?

If you'd asked me on a Monday, I'd say yes.

If you'd asked me on a Tuesday, I'd say...

..yes.

-If you were to ask me on a Wednesday, I'd say...

-Oven chips?

-..Aye, just through there.

Now where was I? Oh, yes.

-If you were to ask...

-For goodness' sake! It's a simple question. Do you serve the set menu on a Sunday?

I'll tell you, but through the medium of Pan. ..Children!

HE PLAYS "Scotland The Brave"

Does that answer your question?

Right! You may have noticed we have a new boy here today.

His name is Charlie and I don't want you to treat him any differently.

Say hello to everybody, Charlie.

BOYS: Hello, Charlie.

Woof!

Yes, he's a dog.

This is the residence of Dame Sally Markham, the famous novelist.

I'd a house like this until I lost it. If you find it, please post it to me, care of the BBC. Thank you.

Young Toby was having a ripping time on his toboggan.

"Yippee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-

"ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-

"ee-ee-ee-ee..." How many pages?

-Um, 34.

-Oh...

Clarissa was similarly overjoyed.

"Yahoo-oo-oo-oo-

"oo-oo-oo...oo-oo-oo-oo..."

Oh... "Oh, dear," she said, "I've hurt myself.

"Aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-

"aa-ah..." Oh, publish!

Today, former Olympic athlete Denver Mills

has been booked to promote the launch of Hug A Leper Week.

-Thanks for helping us out at such short notice, Steve.

-Denver.

-Denver. Sorry.

-Is Geoff Capes all right?

-The Capester? He'll be fine, yeah.

He's had to have his dog put down and he's a bit upset about that.

He's only doing the bigger money jobs this week.

-You, um, got your speech?

-Got it right here, boss.

-What Hug A Leper Week is all about is dispelling popular myths about leprosy.

-About bloody time!

-People still think that lepers are banished to colonies.

-They're not, are they?

-No.

And some people think that lepers limbs just fall off.

No, I mean, that's just... That's just wrong.

And for too long now, people who suffer from leprosy have been the butt of jokes. That's got to stop!

Yeah.

-You want to go through your speech at all?

-No, I'll be fine.

-Fruit pastille?

-Thanks.

You couldn't get me one, could you?

-I missed these, out in Ghana.

-Oh, yeah? What were you doing in Ghana?

-I was working as a missionary.

That's when I actually caught leprosy.

Hopefully, mine has been cured now.

-Has it?

-Yeah. But today you'll get the chance to meet lots of people in various stages of the disease.

Oh, no. I pressed reset instead of start. We'll have to do it again.

I'll just get some more eggs.

And so we conclude our journey round Britain.

I hope you've enjoyed the shoe.

I'm sorry to say I won't be here next week

as I'm going into hospital to have a hysterectomy. Good bite!