Episode 4 Little Britain


Episode 4

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Transcript


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'Britain, Britain, Britain. Everybody is welcome in Britain.

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'We are open nine till six, Monday to Saturday.

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'No foreign gentlemen, please.

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'What makes Britain such a wonderful place to visit for an afternoon?

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'Why, it's the people of Britain, and it is these we look at today.

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'Oh, my sweet Lord!

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'Here we are in the charming Welsh village of Llandewi Breffi,

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'home of committed homosexualist, Daffyd Thomas.'

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# It's a sin! #

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-Morning, Daffyd.

-Good morning, Miss Davies.

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I just had a phone call from Ruth.

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-She got terrible morning sickness and she's not coming in today.

-Aw.

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I'm gonna put you with the new boy Ifan.

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Ifan? Your ten o'clock's here.

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Do you know, I think Ifan might be a gay.

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That's very unlikely. I am the only gay in the village.

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Hiya! I'm Ifan, but all me friends call me Fanny.

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-Follow me.

-(Well?)

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Too early to tell.

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Come along. Take the weight off your lallies.

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Let's put a nice big skirt around you.

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Now, what can we do for you?

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A nice wash and blow? Would you like that? A blow? Ho-ho!

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-Just a light trim, please.

-Right.

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-So do you, er, go out much?

-Not really.

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-Is there much of a scene?

-Pardon?

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A scene, dear. A gay scene - cocks and frocks.

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-No, there is no "gay" scene in Llandewi Breffi. Just me.

-Really?

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-I am the only gay in the village.

-Not any more, dear. Fanny's in town!

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-There you are, loves.

-Oh, ta.

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-(Well?

-No signs.)

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Fanny, love. You forgot your keys.

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Thanks. I am a dizzy cow!

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Hinge and Bracket need walking, so I'll see you later.

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(His brother.)

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'At St Buddha's Hospital, Foulmouth, ropey transvestite Emily Howard is waiting to have an X-ray taken.'

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-Right, sorry to keep you. So, Eddie Howard...

-Emily Howard.

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I'm a lady. Emily Howard, yes.

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Right, what happened?

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-Well, I was disembarking a motor coach when I took a tumble.

-You fell off the bus?

-Quite.

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I need to X-ray the whole leg, so place this over your testicles.

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Oh, Doctor! You DO amuse!

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No, it's not a joke. It deflects the radiation.

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B-But I am a lady!

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I don't have testi-cles!

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Well, perhaps little lady's testi-cles. Might, er...

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-might this do for me instead?

-No.

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Or this?

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Surely I, uh... Hmm?

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I'm sorry. You do need to use this.

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Would you mind if I brighten it up a little

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-with some applique and lace?

-We don't really have time for this, Mr Howard.

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-But I am a lady!

-Well, I can't give you the X-ray without it.

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Do you know, I think I'm feeling rather better.

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I don't think I need an X-ray.

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Aaargh! Shit!

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'This is a pub.

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'As we all know, the word pub is an acronym for Philip's Uncle's Boat.'

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Right. We'd better get you home, hadn't we?

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-I know.

-Oh, uh, do you need to use the toilet before we go?

-No.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

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-Cos once I've got you in the van, you won't be able to do toilet till we're back home.

-Yeah, I know.

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-Cos if I have to stop on the way and get you out of the van, that's a right kerfuffle.

-I know.

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-You're sure you don't need?

-Yeah.

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I need to go toilet.

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'Following the success of video libraries, book libraries like this one have sprung up everywhere.'

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We encourage our patients to take a Saturday job.

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It gives them a sense of purpose and a small income.

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Anne, who you may have met, is working here.

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E-E-E.

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Hello, Anne.

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-Thank you. And how are you today?

-E-E-E-E.

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As you can see, she blends in very well.

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'British justice is the best in the world.

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'Anyone who disagrees is either a gay, a woman or a mental.'

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Vicky Pollard, you have been charged with shoplifting.

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On the 11th April, it is alleged you went into the Irkskin branch of Superdrug

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and attempted to steal an eyeliner pencil and a can of Red Bull by concealing them in your leggings.

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Now, in the face of overwhelming evidence, do you stand by your plea of not guilty?

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No, but... No, but...cos what happened was, right... Shut up! He wasn't supposed to be near there!

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Then Meredith started stirring it up, calling him all these things.

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Right, but you admit you were in Superdrug at the time?

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No, but, yeah...but, no, there's a whole other thing. Meredith said it weren't, but she's a slag!

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Meredith? Who is Meredith?

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-She's the one who done that thing about the thing, but don't eat her sweets cos she's dirty.

-What thing?

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Yeah, I know, and there was this whole other thing what I didn't even know about

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because nobody told Wayne Duggin that Jermyn fingered Carly.

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-Right.

-But I was on the phone to Jules.

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But don't listen to her because she had a baby and didn't tell anyone.

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-Vicky, were you at Superdrug at the time?

-No, but, yeah, but, no... because I wasn't even with Amber.

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-Who's Amber?

-Yeah, exactly. I don't even know who she is so you'd better ask her.

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-Vicky, I don't think you realise the gravity of the...

-No, but...

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-If you're found guilty...

-You can't say that...

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-This is a court of law...

-You...

-Are you going to keep interrupting me?

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-No, no, no, no, I'm not. I'm gonna let you speak.

-Oh.

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-We've heard from...

-Oh, God! There was this horrible thing!

-I give up!

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You know Craig? He felt up Amy on the corkscrew at Alton Towers and was sick on Louise Farren's head.

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'Matthew Waterhouse is looking for work at his local kissogram agency.'

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I wanna be a kissogram! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

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We're minicabs, mate. Kissogram's next door.

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I wanna be a kissogram! Mwah! Mwah!

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-Mwah! Mwah!

-Lovely. We're always looking for people.

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-What...?

-Here's one for you.

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George Bernard Shaw-ogram.

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I come in, take my beard off and recite a play. How about that?

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Em...

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-Got another. John McCarthy-ogram!

-Oh, what happens there?

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I come in handcuffed to a radiator and discuss my years as a hostage.

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I don't think there's any market...

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Got another one. Nurse-ogram!

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-Ah! That's more like it.

-Yeah, I come in, sing Happy Birthday

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and administer a local aesthetic.

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-I really don't think...

-Zoo-ogram.

-What's that?

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I come in...bear with me.

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-Well?

-I just told you. I come in, there's a bear with me.

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-Sorry.

-Got another one. Ian-ogram. I come in and pretend my name is Ian. "Hallo! My name is Ian!"

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-Please leave.

-Man-ogram! I'm a man.

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-Get out.

-Invisible-man-ogram. I come in and I'm invisible.

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Woooo!

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-Was I invisible then?

-No.

-Are you sure?

-Quite sure. Now, please. I'm a very busy woman.

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-A-very-busy-woman-ogram!

-Could you leave the room?

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-Leaving-the-room-ogram!

-That's right. Now open the door.

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-Opening-the-door-ogram!

-Walk out.

-Walking-out-the-door-ogram!

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-And close the door.

-Closing-the-door-ogram!

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Waiting-outside-the-door-ogram!

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Hello. I'd like a minicab, please.

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-No, that's next door.

-Thank you.

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All right!

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'Over in Flange at the Kelsey Grammer School...'

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So Edward II divided by Henry V equals...

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Anybody? ..No?

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Equals hydrogen peroxide.

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Question six. Determine the square root of Popeye.

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'Sandra Patterson is so keen for her son to do well in the world of show business

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'that her hair is coming out in clumps.'

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-And off you go.

-They're fruity and delicious. They're fruit-ilicious!

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Lovely, OK. Thanks very much, er, Ranulph.

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-Are we rocking? Have we got the gig?

-We'll let you know.

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-He does a great Otis the Aardvark. ..Do your Otis.

-Mum!

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-We've just got a few more people to see.

-Have you seen The Snowman? He does that. ..Go on, go on.

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-# We're walking in the air... #

-To them! To them!

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# We're walking through the moonlit sky... #

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We ARE up against it today...

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-It's better with his pyjamas on. Come on.

-Mum!

-We don't have time.

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-It's his birthday today.

-No, it isn't.

-Please?

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-He's dying.

-What?!

-Look a dying boy in the eye and say no.

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-Well, it's no.

-What?

-We're looking for something a bit different.

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We can change him. We can have something done.

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He's a real talent. I'm sure he'll do really well.

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-I'll say you touched him.

-Get out.

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Don't worry. We know when we're not wanted.

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Don't EVER do that again!

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Watch this. ..Hallo, Anne. I'd like to take this book out, please.

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E-E-E.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello? ..Sorry, guys. I'm in the library at the moment, can I call you back? ..OK.

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E-E-E.

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And can you tell me when the Oliver Sacks biography is back in?

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-E-E-E.

-Thank you.

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'The health service in Britain is thriving, with three doctors to every one patient.

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'Today, Marjorie Dawes has gone to see her mother.'

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The doctor says you've definitely got to go into a home.

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I don't want to go into a home. I just had a fall.

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-Morning. How are we today?

-Fine, Doctor.

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It's Dr Harman, Mum. ..And how is the good doctor today, Dr Harman?

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-Quite well, just...a bit bunged up.

-Yes, there's something going round.

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-Let me know if you want someone to look after you.

-..W-W-We've, uh, got the results.

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There's no internal haemorrhaging, so you can go home tomorrow.

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-Oh, good.

-Wouldn't she be better off in a home?

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Home! Yeah? Yeah? Home! Yeah? Yeah?

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-Put you in a home. Yeah.

-No. We've done all the tests and she's quite capable of looking after herself.

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-No, she doesn't know what day it is. ..Mum, what day is it?

-Tuesday.

-There you go. It is Tuesday.

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-She thinks it's last Tuesday. ..Who's the Prime Minister?

-It's...

-Of Belgium.

-I

-don't know.

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See what I have to put up with?

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-Mum, what's this?

-It's your nose.

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No, it's my finger.

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-She doesn't know if she's comin' or goin'.

-Mrs Dawes...

-Marjorie.

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We only put people in homes when they can't look after themselves.

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What if her flat was attacked by a pack of wolves? She's very vulnerable.

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-I'm not going to recommend further care. She doesn't need it.

-Bye, Doctor!

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Get well soon. ..Oh, he's such a flirt.

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Now, what are we gonna do with you? You can't come and live with me.

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-I don't bloody want to. I want to go back to my own flat.

-But I'm renting it out now.

-Who to?

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Some gays.

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Social Services have found you a very nice place, just an hour down the road.

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-I could go and live with Barbara.

-Mum, Barbara hates you. That's why you should cut her out the will.

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-Now, is there anything you'd like me to bring you?

-My dressing gown.

-I've taken it to Oxfam.

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-Well, I was halfway through that Maeve Binchy.

-I'M reading that now.

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Oh. Well, how about my jewellery?

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Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then, Mum.

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Cheerio!

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Ooh, she's a burden.

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'The fortunes of ex-children's entertainer Des Kaye have taken a tumble recently.

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'To make ends meet, he's been forced to take a job at DIY Universe in the northern town of Little Tokyo.'

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Uh, what's this now?

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-Nothing.

-I won't tell you again.

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You're not on telly any more. Take those down and get back to work.

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-Do you know where the masking tape is?

-This man will help you.

-..Do you know where the masking tape is?

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Wicky-woo! Des Kaye, pleased to meet you. Can I have me hand back?

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-Yeah. Do you know where the masking tape is?

-No, I don't. But I've got a friend who does.

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Say hello to Mr...

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Croc O'Dile. "Top of the morning. Where's my breakfast?"

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Never mind about your breakfast. This young lad wants to know where the masking tape is.

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-"I'm hungry! I want my breakfast!" I'm so sorry about this.

-Get off!

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-Des!

-I'm just helping a customer.

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We let Anne make her own way home. She's earned £5 today.

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That's her money and she can spend that any way she wants.

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See you later, Anne.

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'At TV Centre, the BBC continues to fulfil its charter to educate, entertain, inform

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'and provide work for Patrick Kielty'.

0:16:350:16:40

-Peter, I've a tape of last night's news here. I wasn't happy with it.

-Really?

-Let's look at it, shall we?

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Now we go over to our Royal correspondent Peter Andre.

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Thank you, Raworth.

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I'm standing outside Highgrove Church where, earlier today,

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the Royals attended their traditional Easter Sunday service.

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Textbook.

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Prince Charles - he has magical powers. Prince Edward - without his beautiful wife, Griff Rhys Jones.

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Prince Andrew - with a very young Sarah Ferguson.

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I've met him loads of times.

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I really like him. Hi, Andrew! No, he can't hear me.

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The Queen there - she's the main one.

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And light of my life - Princess Royal Anne. Oh, Anne...

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Sweet Anne...

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# I love you, Anne And I want you, Anne

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# Please pull me, Anne I'll push you, Anne

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# Please hurt me, Anne And bite me, Anne I want you, Anne, in the morning. #

0:17:430:17:49

Back to the studio.

0:17:490:17:51

-Um...Peter...

-Problem?

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'It's ten minutes since Andy last ate, and his stomach's already rumbling.'

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Right, I'm gonna go and pick up Maria. Is there anything you need me to do before I go?

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Yeah, I wanna chocolate.

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-I bought these chocolates for when Maria comes.

-I wanna chocolate.

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All right, you can have one.

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-Now, which one do you want?

-That one.

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-That one?

-Yeah.

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-That's dark chocolate.

-Yeah, I know.

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-You don't like dark chocolate.

-I know.

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You always say dark chocolate has a bitter edge to it and lacks the oral ecstasy of its milkier cousin.

0:18:370:18:44

-Yeah, I know.

-Well, why don't you have the caramel tub, then? You like the caramel tub. It's caramel!

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-I want that one.

-Well, they're going back on the shelf now.

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I don't like it.

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-I did warn you.

-Can I have another one to take the taste away?

0:18:590:19:03

No. You can have another one when Maria gets here, and not before.

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DOOR CLOSES

0:19:130:19:16

'Everyone in Britain loves the opera.'

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'Go to any bus stop or factory floor and all you hear is "Don Giovanni this, Rigoletto that".'

0:19:390:19:45

Charles?

0:19:520:19:55

Charles? What's the matter? Charles?

0:19:550:19:59

-Make way. St Tom's. Make way. Coming through.

-He just passed out.

0:19:590:20:04

-Don't worry. He's in safe hands. Now, go and dial 9999.

-Oh, I wasn't expecting this on me first day.

0:20:040:20:11

-Come on, Neville, what do we do?

-Check his pulse?

0:20:110:20:14

-That won't do much good.

-Put him in the recovery position?

-He might be having a heart attack!

-I dunno!

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-Give him a Polo.

-What?

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-The mint with a hole.

-That's not in the manual.

-There's no time for that!

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-It doesn't seem to be doing anything.

-Well...can't be his heart. Maybe it's a blood clot.

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Blood clot...blood clot. Let's see.

0:20:350:20:38

-Got it. TicTac. Check he's not allergic. He ain't got a tag?

-I can't see anything.

0:20:380:20:44

This is a good bit. I saw this last night. She doesn't know the Duke is really her husband in disguise.

0:20:440:20:51

Oh, it causes a right brouhaha-ha.

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Right, where were we? Oh, yeah.

0:20:550:20:57

Maybe the dose is wrong.

0:20:590:21:02

-I think he's had a stroke!

-Then we don't have any choice. Neville...

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we're going to have to open the Extra Strong.

0:21:070:21:11

'A favourite destination for holiday makers, after Siberia, is Scotland.'

0:21:180:21:25

-AMERICAN ACCENT

-Are you open for afternoon tea?

0:21:250:21:29

Ooh! Maybe I am and maybe I'm not.

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PLAYS A MERRY TUNE

0:21:330:21:37

-Oh. OK.

-Oh, no, no! I am!

0:21:380:21:40

Please, sit doon. Sit doon.

0:21:400:21:43

-What an adorable little place.

-Smells funny in here.

0:21:430:21:47

I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.

0:21:480:21:52

Here I am with the cake trolley.

0:21:540:21:57

-Don't those look great, Kimberley?

-I want the chocolate cake!

0:21:570:22:01

OK, honey. ..Kimberley has a nut allergy.

0:22:010:22:05

-Do you know if there are any nuts in it?

-Yes!

0:22:050:22:10

Do you mean, yes, there are nuts, or yes, you know?

0:22:100:22:13

-Yes.

-Which?

-If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie, but if ye call me false, I'll also tell ye a lie!

0:22:130:22:21

PEEP!

0:22:210:22:23

OK, so does the cake contain nuts?

0:22:230:22:26

Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?

0:22:260:22:30

The carrot cake contains...no nuts.

0:22:330:22:36

Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts?

0:22:370:22:43

The Lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts.

0:22:450:22:49

NOTES PIPE OUT

0:22:490:22:51

No nuts.

0:22:520:22:55

Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts?

0:22:560:23:00

He wants to speak to you.

0:23:030:23:06

Mike Kapalski?

0:23:110:23:13

'Here we are at the country home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.

0:23:130:23:18

'I'd love to write a book but, unfortunately, I don't have a pen.'

0:23:180:23:23

His hand passed over the curves of her body, firmly, without desire,

0:23:230:23:29

but with soft, intimate knowledge.

0:23:290:23:32

End of chapter.

0:23:320:23:34

This is wonderful, Dame Sally.

0:23:340:23:36

Yes, it is, rather. Chapter four. As she went home in the twilight,

0:23:360:23:41

the world seemed a dream.

0:23:410:23:44

The trees in the park seemed bulging and surging at anchor on a tide...

0:23:440:23:50

'In Britain's capital city of Sneddy, are the offices of theatrical agent, Jeremy Rent.'

0:23:500:23:57

If you'd just like to sign on the second page.

0:23:570:24:00

-Er, have you got a pen?

-There you are.

0:24:030:24:07

Den...nis Waterman.

0:24:090:24:13

At last, we've got you a job.

0:24:130:24:17

I'm glad to see you're finally over this silly "write the theme tune, sing the theme tune" business.

0:24:170:24:23

-Oh, no, that's all in the past.

-Well, thank goodness for that.

0:24:230:24:28

Well, if that is all, I will be on my way.

0:24:280:24:32

Oh, I have just remembered!

0:24:370:24:40

Happy birthday!

0:24:420:24:44

Oh, Dennis, you are naughty!

0:24:440:24:47

No, I'm not. I'm good.

0:24:470:24:50

Well...thank you.

0:24:500:24:52

-It's got great music on it.

-Dennis.

0:24:520:24:55

-Sorry.

-Well, it's very kind of you.

0:24:550:24:59

I'm just going to cut the cake if you'd like to come in.

0:24:590:25:04

-Can you pass me the knife, please, Dennis?

-Oh, isn't Dennis with you?

0:25:040:25:09

I'm right here.

0:25:090:25:11

-Thank you.

-Make a wish.

-We haven't sung Happy Birthday yet.

0:25:110:25:17

Oh! Go on, then.

0:25:170:25:20

1, 2, 3...

0:25:200:25:22

-# Happy birthday to you... #

-# I'll change the situation

0:25:220:25:25

# Right people, right time Just the wrong location

0:25:250:25:30

# I've got a good idea Just you keep me near

0:25:320:25:37

-# I'll be so good for... Happy birthday,

-dear Jeremy

0:25:370:25:42

# I'll be so good for you De-doo-doo de-doo! Booo! #

0:25:420:25:48

-Cake, anybody?

-Just a small piece.

0:25:500:25:55

There you go.

0:25:550:25:58

'It's lunchtime at this Chinese restaurant in Ducking Down.

0:25:590:26:03

'I myself love Chinese food.

0:26:030:26:06

'My favourite dishes are 14, 29 and 53.'

0:26:060:26:10

-Me and Mollie Sugden were friends years before Are You Being Served.

-Liz.

-..In a minute.

0:26:110:26:18

Mollie said to me would I like to be her bridesmaid? I mean, well!

0:26:180:26:23

-Liz! Your food's getting cold.

-In a minute!

0:26:230:26:27

-Of course I was delighted! It was a wonderful day...

-You said you were going to the toilet!

-I was!

0:26:270:26:34

But I got chatting about being Mollie Sugden's bridesmaid.

0:26:340:26:39

It was a lovely do. We had a lovely meal and there was dancing and they played the Beatles...

0:26:390:26:46

-I was at school with Paul McCartney.

-Oh, right. And then...

-Really?

0:26:460:26:50

-What was he like?

-Oh, a really nice bloke. And he was dead musical, even then. He'd always play the piano.

0:26:500:26:58

-And Mollie Sugden, whose bridesmaid I was...

-Did you meet John Lennon?

0:26:580:27:02

I did actually, once. I went round and John was there and they were doing a bit of jamming...

0:27:020:27:08

The Beatles aren't going any more! Anyway, I said to Mollie...

0:27:080:27:12

Oh, I love the Beatles!

0:27:120:27:15

-I've got all their tapes.

-Why don't you join us?

-Thank you...

0:27:150:27:19

No, Clive! Come away!

0:27:190:27:23

-Excuse us.

-But he was at school with Paul McCartney.

0:27:230:27:27

Yeah, and I was Mollie Sugden's bridesmaid, but I don't go on about it!

0:27:270:27:32

Get over it.

0:27:320:27:35

Boring!

0:27:350:27:37

45...46...47...48.

0:27:380:27:43

Have you got a light?

0:27:490:27:51

I won't be long.

0:27:510:27:53

'And so this week's journey comes to an end.

0:27:560:28:01

'If you have enjoyed the programme,

0:28:010:28:03

'you might like to get up and do a dance in honour of it. Goodbye.'

0:28:030:28:08

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