Episode 4 Little Britain

'Britain, Britain, Britain. Everybody is welcome in Britain.

'We are open nine till six, Monday to Saturday.

'No foreign gentlemen, please.

'What makes Britain such a wonderful place to visit for an afternoon?

'Why, it's the people of Britain, and it is these we look at today.

'Oh, my sweet Lord!

'Here we are in the charming Welsh village of Llandewi Breffi,

'home of committed homosexualist, Daffyd Thomas.'

# It's a sin! #

-Morning, Daffyd.

-Good morning, Miss Davies.

I just had a phone call from Ruth.

-She got terrible morning sickness and she's not coming in today.

-Aw.

I'm gonna put you with the new boy Ifan.

Ifan? Your ten o'clock's here.

Do you know, I think Ifan might be a gay.

That's very unlikely. I am the only gay in the village.

Hiya! I'm Ifan, but all me friends call me Fanny.

-Follow me.

-(Well?)

Too early to tell.

Come along. Take the weight off your lallies.

Let's put a nice big skirt around you.

Now, what can we do for you?

A nice wash and blow? Would you like that? A blow? Ho-ho!

-Just a light trim, please.

-Right.

-So do you, er, go out much?

-Not really.

-Is there much of a scene?

-Pardon?

A scene, dear. A gay scene - cocks and frocks.

-No, there is no "gay" scene in Llandewi Breffi. Just me.

-Really?

-I am the only gay in the village.

-Not any more, dear. Fanny's in town!

-There you are, loves.

-Oh, ta.

-(Well?

-No signs.)

Fanny, love. You forgot your keys.

Thanks. I am a dizzy cow!

Hinge and Bracket need walking, so I'll see you later.

(His brother.)

'At St Buddha's Hospital, Foulmouth, ropey transvestite Emily Howard is waiting to have an X-ray taken.'

-Right, sorry to keep you. So, Eddie Howard...

-Emily Howard.

I'm a lady. Emily Howard, yes.

Right, what happened?

-Well, I was disembarking a motor coach when I took a tumble.

-You fell off the bus?

-Quite.

I need to X-ray the whole leg, so place this over your testicles.

Oh, Doctor! You DO amuse!

No, it's not a joke. It deflects the radiation.

B-But I am a lady!

I don't have testi-cles!

Well, perhaps little lady's testi-cles. Might, er...

-might this do for me instead?

-No.

Or this?

Surely I, uh... Hmm?

I'm sorry. You do need to use this.

Would you mind if I brighten it up a little

-with some applique and lace?

-We don't really have time for this, Mr Howard.

-But I am a lady!

-Well, I can't give you the X-ray without it.

Do you know, I think I'm feeling rather better.

I don't think I need an X-ray.

Aaargh! Shit!

'This is a pub.

'As we all know, the word pub is an acronym for Philip's Uncle's Boat.'

Right. We'd better get you home, hadn't we?

-I know.

-Oh, uh, do you need to use the toilet before we go?

-No.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-Cos once I've got you in the van, you won't be able to do toilet till we're back home.

-Yeah, I know.

-Cos if I have to stop on the way and get you out of the van, that's a right kerfuffle.

-I know.

-You're sure you don't need?

-Yeah.

I need to go toilet.

'Following the success of video libraries, book libraries like this one have sprung up everywhere.'

We encourage our patients to take a Saturday job.

It gives them a sense of purpose and a small income.

Anne, who you may have met, is working here.

E-E-E.

Hello, Anne.

-Thank you. And how are you today?

-E-E-E-E.

As you can see, she blends in very well.

'British justice is the best in the world.

'Anyone who disagrees is either a gay, a woman or a mental.'

Vicky Pollard, you have been charged with shoplifting.

On the 11th April, it is alleged you went into the Irkskin branch of Superdrug

and attempted to steal an eyeliner pencil and a can of Red Bull by concealing them in your leggings.

Now, in the face of overwhelming evidence, do you stand by your plea of not guilty?

No, but... No, but...cos what happened was, right... Shut up! He wasn't supposed to be near there!

Then Meredith started stirring it up, calling him all these things.

Right, but you admit you were in Superdrug at the time?

No, but, yeah...but, no, there's a whole other thing. Meredith said it weren't, but she's a slag!

Meredith? Who is Meredith?

-She's the one who done that thing about the thing, but don't eat her sweets cos she's dirty.

-What thing?

Yeah, I know, and there was this whole other thing what I didn't even know about

because nobody told Wayne Duggin that Jermyn fingered Carly.

-Right.

-But I was on the phone to Jules.

But don't listen to her because she had a baby and didn't tell anyone.

-Vicky, were you at Superdrug at the time?

-No, but, yeah, but, no... because I wasn't even with Amber.

-Who's Amber?

-Yeah, exactly. I don't even know who she is so you'd better ask her.

-Vicky, I don't think you realise the gravity of the...

-No, but...

-If you're found guilty...

-You can't say that...

-This is a court of law...

-You...

-Are you going to keep interrupting me?

-No, no, no, no, I'm not. I'm gonna let you speak.

-Oh.

-We've heard from...

-Oh, God! There was this horrible thing!

-I give up!

You know Craig? He felt up Amy on the corkscrew at Alton Towers and was sick on Louise Farren's head.

'Matthew Waterhouse is looking for work at his local kissogram agency.'

I wanna be a kissogram! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

We're minicabs, mate. Kissogram's next door.

I wanna be a kissogram! Mwah! Mwah!

-Mwah! Mwah!

-Lovely. We're always looking for people.

-What...?

-Here's one for you.

George Bernard Shaw-ogram.

I come in, take my beard off and recite a play. How about that?

Em...

-Got another. John McCarthy-ogram!

-Oh, what happens there?

I come in handcuffed to a radiator and discuss my years as a hostage.

I don't think there's any market...

Got another one. Nurse-ogram!

-Ah! That's more like it.

-Yeah, I come in, sing Happy Birthday

and administer a local aesthetic.

-I really don't think...

-Zoo-ogram.

-What's that?

I come in...bear with me.

-Well?

-I just told you. I come in, there's a bear with me.

-Sorry.

-Got another one. Ian-ogram. I come in and pretend my name is Ian. "Hallo! My name is Ian!"

-Please leave.

-Man-ogram! I'm a man.

-Get out.

-Invisible-man-ogram. I come in and I'm invisible.

Woooo!

-Was I invisible then?

-No.

-Are you sure?

-Quite sure. Now, please. I'm a very busy woman.

-A-very-busy-woman-ogram!

-Could you leave the room?

-Leaving-the-room-ogram!

-That's right. Now open the door.

-Opening-the-door-ogram!

-Walk out.

-Walking-out-the-door-ogram!

-And close the door.

-Closing-the-door-ogram!

Waiting-outside-the-door-ogram!

Hello. I'd like a minicab, please.

-No, that's next door.

-Thank you.

All right!

'Over in Flange at the Kelsey Grammer School...'

So Edward II divided by Henry V equals...

Anybody? ..No?

Equals hydrogen peroxide.

Question six. Determine the square root of Popeye.

'Sandra Patterson is so keen for her son to do well in the world of show business

'that her hair is coming out in clumps.'

-And off you go.

-They're fruity and delicious. They're fruit-ilicious!

Lovely, OK. Thanks very much, er, Ranulph.

-Are we rocking? Have we got the gig?

-We'll let you know.

-He does a great Otis the Aardvark. ..Do your Otis.

-Mum!

-We've just got a few more people to see.

-Have you seen The Snowman? He does that. ..Go on, go on.

-# We're walking in the air... #

-To them! To them!

# We're walking through the moonlit sky... #

We ARE up against it today...

-It's better with his pyjamas on. Come on.

-Mum!

-We don't have time.

-It's his birthday today.

-No, it isn't.

-Please?

-He's dying.

-What?!

-Look a dying boy in the eye and say no.

-Well, it's no.

-What?

-We're looking for something a bit different.

We can change him. We can have something done.

He's a real talent. I'm sure he'll do really well.

-I'll say you touched him.

-Get out.

Don't worry. We know when we're not wanted.

Don't EVER do that again!

Watch this. ..Hallo, Anne. I'd like to take this book out, please.

E-E-E.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? ..Sorry, guys. I'm in the library at the moment, can I call you back? ..OK.

E-E-E.

And can you tell me when the Oliver Sacks biography is back in?

-E-E-E.

-Thank you.

'The health service in Britain is thriving, with three doctors to every one patient.

'Today, Marjorie Dawes has gone to see her mother.'

The doctor says you've definitely got to go into a home.

I don't want to go into a home. I just had a fall.

-Morning. How are we today?

-Fine, Doctor.

It's Dr Harman, Mum. ..And how is the good doctor today, Dr Harman?

-Quite well, just...a bit bunged up.

-Yes, there's something going round.

-Let me know if you want someone to look after you.

-..W-W-We've, uh, got the results.

There's no internal haemorrhaging, so you can go home tomorrow.

-Oh, good.

-Wouldn't she be better off in a home?

Home! Yeah? Yeah? Home! Yeah? Yeah?

-Put you in a home. Yeah.

-No. We've done all the tests and she's quite capable of looking after herself.

-No, she doesn't know what day it is. ..Mum, what day is it?

-Tuesday.

-There you go. It is Tuesday.

-She thinks it's last Tuesday. ..Who's the Prime Minister?

-It's...

-Of Belgium.

-I

-don't know.

See what I have to put up with?

-Mum, what's this?

-It's your nose.

No, it's my finger.

-She doesn't know if she's comin' or goin'.

-Mrs Dawes...

-Marjorie.

We only put people in homes when they can't look after themselves.

What if her flat was attacked by a pack of wolves? She's very vulnerable.

-I'm not going to recommend further care. She doesn't need it.

-Bye, Doctor!

Get well soon. ..Oh, he's such a flirt.

Now, what are we gonna do with you? You can't come and live with me.

-I don't bloody want to. I want to go back to my own flat.

-But I'm renting it out now.

-Who to?

Some gays.

Social Services have found you a very nice place, just an hour down the road.

-I could go and live with Barbara.

-Mum, Barbara hates you. That's why you should cut her out the will.

-Now, is there anything you'd like me to bring you?

-My dressing gown.

-I've taken it to Oxfam.

-Well, I was halfway through that Maeve Binchy.

-I'M reading that now.

Oh. Well, how about my jewellery?

Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then, Mum.

Cheerio!

Ooh, she's a burden.

'The fortunes of ex-children's entertainer Des Kaye have taken a tumble recently.

'To make ends meet, he's been forced to take a job at DIY Universe in the northern town of Little Tokyo.'

Uh, what's this now?

-Nothing.

-I won't tell you again.

You're not on telly any more. Take those down and get back to work.

-Do you know where the masking tape is?

-This man will help you.

-..Do you know where the masking tape is?

Wicky-woo! Des Kaye, pleased to meet you. Can I have me hand back?

-Yeah. Do you know where the masking tape is?

-No, I don't. But I've got a friend who does.

Say hello to Mr...

Croc O'Dile. "Top of the morning. Where's my breakfast?"

Never mind about your breakfast. This young lad wants to know where the masking tape is.

-"I'm hungry! I want my breakfast!" I'm so sorry about this.

-Get off!

-Des!

-I'm just helping a customer.

We let Anne make her own way home. She's earned £5 today.

That's her money and she can spend that any way she wants.

See you later, Anne.

'At TV Centre, the BBC continues to fulfil its charter to educate, entertain, inform

'and provide work for Patrick Kielty'.

-Peter, I've a tape of last night's news here. I wasn't happy with it.

-Really?

-Let's look at it, shall we?

Now we go over to our Royal correspondent Peter Andre.

Thank you, Raworth.

I'm standing outside Highgrove Church where, earlier today,

the Royals attended their traditional Easter Sunday service.

Textbook.

Prince Charles - he has magical powers. Prince Edward - without his beautiful wife, Griff Rhys Jones.

Prince Andrew - with a very young Sarah Ferguson.

I've met him loads of times.

I really like him. Hi, Andrew! No, he can't hear me.

The Queen there - she's the main one.

And light of my life - Princess Royal Anne. Oh, Anne...

Sweet Anne...

# I love you, Anne And I want you, Anne

# Please pull me, Anne I'll push you, Anne

# Please hurt me, Anne And bite me, Anne I want you, Anne, in the morning. #

Back to the studio.

-Um...Peter...

-Problem?

'It's ten minutes since Andy last ate, and his stomach's already rumbling.'

Right, I'm gonna go and pick up Maria. Is there anything you need me to do before I go?

Yeah, I wanna chocolate.

-I bought these chocolates for when Maria comes.

-I wanna chocolate.

All right, you can have one.

-Now, which one do you want?

-That one.

-That one?

-Yeah.

-That's dark chocolate.

-Yeah, I know.

-You don't like dark chocolate.

-I know.

You always say dark chocolate has a bitter edge to it and lacks the oral ecstasy of its milkier cousin.

-Yeah, I know.

-Well, why don't you have the caramel tub, then? You like the caramel tub. It's caramel!

-I want that one.

-Well, they're going back on the shelf now.

I don't like it.

-I did warn you.

-Can I have another one to take the taste away?

No. You can have another one when Maria gets here, and not before.

DOOR CLOSES

'Everyone in Britain loves the opera.'

'Go to any bus stop or factory floor and all you hear is "Don Giovanni this, Rigoletto that".'

Charles?

Charles? What's the matter? Charles?

-Make way. St Tom's. Make way. Coming through.

-He just passed out.

-Don't worry. He's in safe hands. Now, go and dial 9999.

-Oh, I wasn't expecting this on me first day.

-Come on, Neville, what do we do?

-Check his pulse?

-That won't do much good.

-Put him in the recovery position?

-He might be having a heart attack!

-I dunno!

-Give him a Polo.

-What?

-The mint with a hole.

-That's not in the manual.

-There's no time for that!

-It doesn't seem to be doing anything.

-Well...can't be his heart. Maybe it's a blood clot.

Blood clot...blood clot. Let's see.

-Got it. TicTac. Check he's not allergic. He ain't got a tag?

-I can't see anything.

This is a good bit. I saw this last night. She doesn't know the Duke is really her husband in disguise.

Oh, it causes a right brouhaha-ha.

Right, where were we? Oh, yeah.

Maybe the dose is wrong.

-I think he's had a stroke!

-Then we don't have any choice. Neville...

we're going to have to open the Extra Strong.

'A favourite destination for holiday makers, after Siberia, is Scotland.'

-AMERICAN ACCENT

-Are you open for afternoon tea?

Ooh! Maybe I am and maybe I'm not.

PLAYS A MERRY TUNE

-Oh. OK.

-Oh, no, no! I am!

Please, sit doon. Sit doon.

-What an adorable little place.

-Smells funny in here.

I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.

Here I am with the cake trolley.

-Don't those look great, Kimberley?

-I want the chocolate cake!

OK, honey. ..Kimberley has a nut allergy.

-Do you know if there are any nuts in it?

-Yes!

Do you mean, yes, there are nuts, or yes, you know?

-Yes.

-Which?

-If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie, but if ye call me false, I'll also tell ye a lie!

PEEP!

OK, so does the cake contain nuts?

Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?

The carrot cake contains...no nuts.

Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts?

The Lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts.

NOTES PIPE OUT

No nuts.

Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts?

He wants to speak to you.

Mike Kapalski?

'Here we are at the country home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.

'I'd love to write a book but, unfortunately, I don't have a pen.'

His hand passed over the curves of her body, firmly, without desire,

but with soft, intimate knowledge.

End of chapter.

This is wonderful, Dame Sally.

Yes, it is, rather. Chapter four. As she went home in the twilight,

the world seemed a dream.

The trees in the park seemed bulging and surging at anchor on a tide...

'In Britain's capital city of Sneddy, are the offices of theatrical agent, Jeremy Rent.'

If you'd just like to sign on the second page.

-Er, have you got a pen?

-There you are.

Den...nis Waterman.

At last, we've got you a job.

I'm glad to see you're finally over this silly "write the theme tune, sing the theme tune" business.

-Oh, no, that's all in the past.

-Well, thank goodness for that.

Well, if that is all, I will be on my way.

Oh, I have just remembered!

Happy birthday!

Oh, Dennis, you are naughty!

No, I'm not. I'm good.

Well...thank you.

-It's got great music on it.

-Dennis.

-Sorry.

-Well, it's very kind of you.

I'm just going to cut the cake if you'd like to come in.

-Can you pass me the knife, please, Dennis?

-Oh, isn't Dennis with you?

I'm right here.

-Thank you.

-Make a wish.

-We haven't sung Happy Birthday yet.

Oh! Go on, then.

1, 2, 3...

-# Happy birthday to you... #

-# I'll change the situation

# Right people, right time Just the wrong location

# I've got a good idea Just you keep me near

-# I'll be so good for... Happy birthday,

-dear Jeremy

# I'll be so good for you De-doo-doo de-doo! Booo! #

-Cake, anybody?

-Just a small piece.

There you go.

'It's lunchtime at this Chinese restaurant in Ducking Down.

'I myself love Chinese food.

'My favourite dishes are 14, 29 and 53.'

-Me and Mollie Sugden were friends years before Are You Being Served.

-Liz.

-..In a minute.

Mollie said to me would I like to be her bridesmaid? I mean, well!

-Liz! Your food's getting cold.

-In a minute!

-Of course I was delighted! It was a wonderful day...

-You said you were going to the toilet!

-I was!

But I got chatting about being Mollie Sugden's bridesmaid.

It was a lovely do. We had a lovely meal and there was dancing and they played the Beatles...

-I was at school with Paul McCartney.

-Oh, right. And then...

-Really?

-What was he like?

-Oh, a really nice bloke. And he was dead musical, even then. He'd always play the piano.

-And Mollie Sugden, whose bridesmaid I was...

-Did you meet John Lennon?

I did actually, once. I went round and John was there and they were doing a bit of jamming...

The Beatles aren't going any more! Anyway, I said to Mollie...

Oh, I love the Beatles!

-I've got all their tapes.

-Why don't you join us?

-Thank you...

No, Clive! Come away!

-Excuse us.

-But he was at school with Paul McCartney.

Yeah, and I was Mollie Sugden's bridesmaid, but I don't go on about it!

Get over it.

Boring!

45...46...47...48.

Have you got a light?

I won't be long.

'And so this week's journey comes to an end.

'If you have enjoyed the programme,

'you might like to get up and do a dance in honour of it. Goodbye.'