Episode 5 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain...

Here are some facts about Britain you may not know...

Number 1 - Britain is a country.

Number 2 - Britain is called Britain.

Number 5 - Britain. But who are the people who live in Britain?

Over the next five hours we aim to find out.

Yeah.

Vicky Pollard is moving up in the world and has graduated to Borstal.

She has been summoned to the governess's office.

Come in now, please, Vicky.

I've been hearing stories about a serious incident in the canteen.

I'm going to ask you a question now and I want a straight answer.

Did you bite Jackie Hayes?

I ain't never done nothin'. What happened was, was Julie said Lorraine was 100% minger

and then Samantha stirred it up and Karly found a pube in her lasagne.

Karly's involved in this, is she?

Karly never done nothin'! She was with that girl with the manky foot and Alison was feeling sick,

but I never broke no chapel window. If Donna says I did, don't listen to her cos she plays with matches.

-Did you bite Jackie?

-I didn't even know she got bit!

This is like this film I saw where this women goes into this place.

Rachel said Denise done it with her brother.

I've had enough. Fetch Jackie.

-Ain't done nothin'...

-Thank you, Vicky(!)

Jackie, tell me what happened in the canteen this afternoon.

I ain't done nothin'! Don't listen to Sheryl. She ate her own scab.

Oh, my god! I SO can't believe you said that!

THEY BOTH TALK AT ONCE

BOTH: ..cos she's gone all lezzy.

Oh, piss off!

-You fancy her.

-YOU do.

-I don't.

Everyone knows you finger yourself.

If people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop.

If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet-shop shop.

If they want to buy a pet-shop shop, they're just being silly.

-When you get this rabbit, you'll have to think of a name for it.

-Name, yeah.

-I wonder where they keep them.

-I want that one.

-That one?

-Yeah.

-That's a snake.

-Yeah, I know.

-You don't like snakes. You're scared of 'em.

-When we watched that film with all the snakes in it, you said serpents had an aura of evil.

-Yeah, I know.

-Let's get a rabbit, then.

-I want that one.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-OK. It's your birthday money. What are you gonna call it?

-Thumper.

We'll, uh...take the snake, please. Yeah.

I want a rabbit.

10 Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister.

He is, like, this guy who is in charge of, like, the whole country.

So it is with great reluctance that I have decided to accept the Minister's resignation.

I'll take a few questions.

Boyd Hilton, Smash Hits.

Prime Minister, do you admit the Foreign Secretary lied to the House?

I've answered that already. Next.

Greg Davies, Puzzler. Have you appointed a replacement?

We'll make an announcement shortly.

Angus Thomas, Kerrang. Who's next to go?

There will be no more resignations.

Roy Sloan, Whizzer And Chips. Have you just lost your strongest ally?

There is no rift in the Cabinet.

Andrew Jarman, Dinosaur Magazine. What was your...?

-I don't know that one.

-It's new.

You get a free binder with Part 1. You collect it over 24 weeks.

It's everything you need to know about dinosaurs.

Oh, yes? Go ahead.

Uh...I've forgotten the question. ALL GROAN

Roger Wakely, Asian Babes. Yet another disgraced Minister - hasn't your position become untenable?

-Certainly not.

-George Paxton, Daily Telegraph.

-Yes.

Who's your favourite member of Westlife?

It's five past Alberto, and the FatFighters meeting is beginning.

They're all the same. ..I'd better go - I've got my fat people here.

So Johansen's here, Paul's here, Pat's here... Where's Meera?

In hospital...having liposuction.

Ooh, I think it's such a shame the way people feel the need to tamper with themselves.

Tanya's here...

Who are you?

This is the home of teacher Edward Grant,

who recently caused a stir by marrying one of his former pupils.

Lucky bugger.

-Problem?

-Another letter from Mum.

What is so strange about a teacher marrying one of his ex-pupils?!

-Nothing.

-I'm sorry?

-Nothing.

-Nothing what?

-Nothing, sir.

-That's better.

-What's this?

-Happy Valentines Day.

Oh, pop it in my pigeonhole.

Oh, go on, open it now!

Aw!

"Dear Edward..." Capital D on "dear".

"I love you with all my...heat"? Oh, HEART!

Handwriting... "Yours forever..." COMMA "Samantha".

Hmm. Six out of ten.

See me.

-You do love me, don't you?

-If you have a question, put your hand up.

Um...yes, Samantha?

-Do you love me?

-Yes.

-How much?

OK...

"How much do you love me?" Well...

Let's say that this is Love here and this is Time here.

This is where we first met, this is that detention we shared together,

dropped a little here when I didn't cast you in the school play,

school trip to Calais,

parents evening, wedding day, wedding night.

and this is where we are now. So as you see, as Time has progressed, Love has increased.

-Edward, put your chalk down and come to bed.

-Sorry. I got carried away.

Are you chewing?!

Into my hand.

It's one-two o'clock and at Kelsey Grammar School, a young pupil is seeing his careers adviser.

Sorry I'm late, sir.

-ELECTRONIC VOICE:

-See it doesn't happen again. Sit.

Thank you, sir.

-What do you have in mind?

-Ever since I was small, I've wanted to go into catering.

-In the future, there will be no jobs for humans in the catering industry. Only robots.

-Oh.

-Does that include catering in hotels?

-Er...yes.

Well, I was also thinking of engineering. You see...

There will be no jobs for humans. We will inherit the Earth.

Oh, dear.

This booklet will explain everything. Go now.

Thank you, sir.

-Tuck your shirt in.

-Yes, sir.

I am a robot.

Yeah.

In Herby city centre lies this library.

The word "library" is derived from the Latin "libres", meaning "shh".

So...have you seen anything you fancy?

Yeah, I want that one.

-That one?

-Yeah.

-That is a book on Chinese history.

-Yeah, I know.

-Well, how do you know? You weren't even looking at it.

-Yeah, I know.

It looks a bit involved, really.

How about the one I told you about, about the cave boy who lived in a rubbish tip? Stig Of The Dumps.

And I want that one.

That is Chinese Language And Its Origins.

-Again, it, uh... It might be a little bit hard for you.

-I want it.

All right. You've got these two. You're allowed one more.

-Shall we see if we can find Stig Of The Dumps?

-That one.

-That one?

-Yeah.

-That's the same one as you've got there.

-Yeah, I know.

Well... You sure you want these three?

-Yeah.

-You're positive?

-Yeah.

Right, let's go and get 'em stamped.

-Are you happy with your choices?

-Yeah.

-You're sticking with these three?

-Yeah.

-Good.

I can't read.

So that's a table for two at eight. Thank you.

I can't wait.

Anything for my little star pupil.

Would you... like to draw the curtains?

This is our timetable.

"7pm. Coach leaves for restaurant."

Anybody not on the coach WILL be left behind.

It's not mufty day, is it?!

"7.30pm. Arrive at restaurant." And get a hair cut!

Council estates are where the old, thick and bone idle are forced to live.

This flat, on the seventh floor, is the home of brother and sister Bernard and Kitty Chumley.

-DOORBELL RINGS FOLLOWED BY THUMPING

-Yes, I heard it, Kitty.

-Hello. Meals On Wheels for Kitty Chumley.

-Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Do come in, yes. Right...

So what is it today, then?

Oxtail soup and then shepherd's pie with cabbage and swede.

Oh, I don't like swede! I mean... Kitty doesn't like swede.

-And there's a choice of arctic roll or a peach.

-Arctic roll, obviously.

Thank you.

-So how is your sister today?

-I didn't do it!

No, how is she?

Oh, I see. Still not walking, but I think a lot of it is psychological.

-Can I see her?

-Eh? Oh, no, no, no. She's biting today.

-Thank you so much.

-Have you got yesterday's plates?

Uh...

Oh, yes.

We do ask that they are returned clean.

By the way, the jam roly-poly was delicious...

..Kitty said.

If anything there could have been more of that...she added.

They tell me you were an actor.

-Am an actor, yes.

-Oh, right. Are you in anything at the moment?

Bits and bobs, you know. Thank you very much. Good day.

Mr Chumley, you might qualify yourself for the Meals On Wheels service.

-I am 43.

-Well, I'll see you again soon, then.

-It's a bit dry.

-Sorry?

Kitty...said.

Everybody in Britain loves the Royal Family.

They are the cleverest, loveliest, most selfish people in Britain.

Today, Her Majesty the Queen is hosting a royal garden party.

-Carry on.

-Can I see your invitation, please?

-Everything going well?

-Fine, sir.

-Nobody's trying to sneak in without an invitation?

-Not yet, sir.

Keep up the good work.

I'm Peter Andre, Royal Correspondent for the BBC.

I need to see an invitation, sir.

It's embarrassing. I don't want to draw attention to myself... ..Hello! I'll be in in a minute!

..but Philip personally invited me.

Being a serf you won't know who I'm talking about. Princess Philip.

-Oh, yes? And what did he say?

-He said, "We're having a party.

"Pop round any time after four."

-I'm sorry, sir.

-Anne and I are very much in love.

-Step aside, please.

-# I want you and I need you, Anne You can hurt me, Anne... #

-Step aside, please, sir.

-I must give her these drawings!

-Afternoon, Miss Bond.

-Good afternoon.

-That's fine.

-Thank you.

-Jenny! Jenny!

-Sorry, Peter. I can't help you now.

-Probably best to go home, sir.

-Yes.

And put some trousers on, will you?

If your car doesn't already have a boot,

you can buy one at a car-boot sale.

Today, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig is getting rid of some old junk.

-Anything take your fancy, sir?

-I'm just looking.

Humorous book about cricket?

-Foreword by John Major.

-No, thanks.

Complete set of Blackadder, there.

OK, I'll take it.

Hang on, there's no Blackadder 3. I think I'll leave it.

Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. You're under.

You see a complete set of videos. There was no Blackadder 3.

Anyway, it's Blackadder The Third. 3, 2, 1...you're back in the room.

Oh, OK... I'll take them.

-There you go.

-Cheers.

Lovely.

You, uh... You like Red Dwarf?

Got the, uh, whole first series, there...including smeg-ups.

Oh, no. I've got these. I taped them off the telly.

Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. You're under.

You did NOT tape Red Dwarf. 3, 2, 1...you're back in the room.

OK. I'll take those as well. There you go.

I, uh... I see you're a bit of a comedy fan.

-How about that?

-Oh, no. I saw that. It was rubbish.

Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. Look into my eyes.

You're under. Paul Merton was great and just as funny as Tony Hancock. 3, 2, 1...you're back in the room.

Yeah... don't push your luck, mate.

This man is theatrical producer Sir Michael Craze.

Sir Michael has over 3,000 musicals running in the West End.

Here's one for you!

-How about a musical version of the film Scum?

-Excuse me, I wasn't actually expecting anybody.

# 4737 Carling, sir I'm the daddy round here

# Where's yer effing tool? What effing tool?

# Don't go into the greenhouse, greenhouse... #

I'm not looking for anything, so...

Got another! Ceefax - The Musical.

We open on a giant Ceefax!

1,000 Vietnamese children come on in rags!

# Page 142 weather Page 220 joke time... #

It's...not right for the West End.

1,000 Vietnamese children in rags?!

I'm very busy. You do need to make an appointment.

-Did you get the tape I sent?

-What's your name?

-Waterhouse.

-Oh, yes.

It was very kind of you, but...

Got another one. Musical - The Musical.

A giant musical flies in!

1,000 Vietnamese children in rags swarm the stage!

-# Musical. Musical... #

-You see, that's quite expensive.

One Vietnamese children swarms the stage!

-# Musical, musical... #

-No.

Got another one! A musical version of David Baddiel.

-No.

-Got another one! Dangerous Liaisons - The Musical.

Ah, this is what we're looking for. This sounds interesting.

Yeah. I've done a set for it.

So he comes in here...

-Who's this?

-The character of The Giant Hand.

Stay with me. Stay with me.

Please.

Meanwhile, at this sexual-health clinic

in Llandewi Breffi...

OK. So before we give you the test, we have to ask you a few questions.

-Don't worry - it's all confidential, OK? So...age?

-25.

-Occupation?

-Gay.

No, what do you do?

Oh, I see. I am an unemployed, out gay man.

How many sexual partners would you say you've had in the past year?

None.

And how many would you say you'd had in the past five years?

Ooh. Past five years, you say...

-Excluding myself?

-Yes.

None.

Have you had ANY sexual partners?

-Oh, no. I am the only gay in the village, you see.

-From Llandewi?!

-Oh, no, we've had loads of folk in from there!

-I don't think so.

If you haven't had any sexual partners, I don't think you need the test.

Oh, go on. Please. I am a gay, you know.

OK. Give me your arm.

Make a fist.

Now, you may feel a prick...

but there's a first time for everything.

Hello.

I've just had the test.

-I do hope everything's going to be all right.

-I'm sure it will be fine,

-though, of course, it does just need to be that one time.

-Yeah.

Children in Britain are notoriously stupid and must attend schools.

At Robert Downey Junior School in Area 52, it's prize-giving day,

which is to be hosted by retired athlete Denver Mills.

-Ah, Miss Bingham, this is Dennis Mills.

-Denver Mills.

-Who?

-Denver Mills. I won the 400-metre silver, Los Angeles '84.

-Where's Fatima Whitbread?!

-Guernsey. Seems she had no idea about today.

-That's Jayne Torvill Management...

-You know what to do?

Do a speech, give out prizes - piece of piss.

-Can I have a look at your speech?

-Yeah, go ahead, Miss.

I do a gag. I say, "If this was a state school, I'd be afraid to park my car outside."

-This IS a state school.

-That's gone.

-Steve Cram. Remind me.

-Crammy?! The Cramster?!

Won the 1500-metre gold? Promoted Start?

The children won't remember him.

-It's a very funny story, which ends up with Steve covered in...

-In...?

No. I can't, uh.... No.

This is great, quite political - in my village there's a lot of these so-called asylum seekers.

I don't think it's relevant here.

-It went down well at the countryside march.

-Sorry.

This is all...still... asylum seekers.

Ah, this gag I may or may not do, depending on...

"The French relay team. Do action." What's the action?

As I say, that was always in the balance...

-"Thank you and I hope you enjoyed the speech."

-Is that OK? Any problem with that?

-No, that's fine.

Right. I'll just go and introduce you.

"Good afternoon... Thank you and I hope you enjoyed the speech."

Right, then, boys and girls, we have a very special guest.

Please welcome...Dennis Mills! CHILDREN CHEER

Hello, Jayne. It's Denver.

Is it too late to pull out of the school?

With the hospital lift out of order, Lou has pushed his friend, Andy, up three flights of stairs.

What a kerfuffle! They should get that lift fixed.

-What are we doing?

-Do you remember Maria, who used to look after you?

-She's not been very well so we're going to take her some flowers.

-Then can we go?

-Yeah.

I'll find out what ward she's on.

-Nurse?

-Yes.

-Can you tell me where I might find Maria Donelly?

-Yeah. She's in Griffiths Ward. It's on the next floor up.

-Thanks.

-OK.

-Up one more flight, I'm afraid.

-Oh, no.

-Yeah.

At home in Buyright,

Eileen is comforting her recently bereaved sister, Janet.

-Why don't I put the kettle on, make us a nice cup of tea?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Lovely. Would you like a biscuit to go with it? Nice Penguin? Yeah?

-What now, love?

-Ivor used to love Penguins!

-It always makes me think of him!

-Aw-ww, yeah. Yeah.

We'll have it without - tea on its own.

Don't mind it in a mug, do you?

Ivor used to have his tea in a mug, except when he had it in a cup.

Yeah. I understand, love. I understand.

Well, it's a lovely day. Why don't we go down the shops?

Me and Ivor used to go down the shops...when we had to buy things.

Yeah, yeah, you would have done. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, we'll stay in and see what's on the telly.

-Oh, dear. Ivor?

-Ivor used to watch telly.

-Yeah.

The news, the sport, the dramas, comedy shows... All sorts, really...

He was someone who liked telly, you know. That was Ivor.

We agreed not to talk about Ivor.

Ivor! That's the name of Ivor!

If ever I wanted to call him, I'd say, "Ivor?"

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

That's what Ivor used to say, if he wanted to answer in the affirmative,

when he wanted to respond in a casual manner, as an alternative to the more formal "yes".

Silence! That's what Ivor used to crave when he didn't think...

Is Jan there? ..Sorry, I didn't recognise you!

Over at DIY Universe, the staff WERE enjoying their tea break.

Hiya, gang! Wicky woo!

I'm having an Option. Does anyone want one?

We don't have to go back yet, do we?

Oh, hello! I don't know you, do I?

-No, I'm new.

-Wicky woo. Des Kaye. Pleased to meet you.

-Can I have my hand back, please?

-Didn't you used to be on the telly?

That's right, yes. I used to present The Fun Bus.

-Them Bubble Twins do it now?

-Do they? I haven't watched it.

Yeah, my little sister loves 'em.

-Let me tell you about the Bubble Twins.

-Come on, Kieran. Time to go.

We've still got ten minutes.

The Bubble Twins started off in 1986 doing a little bit on my show, Des Kaye's Fun Bus.

-Remember we had this bit, What's In The Custard?

-I don't think so, no.

-You remember it, don't you, Al?

-No.

-You do! You do!

You're lying. ..Come away, Croc. ..They used to pour the custard.

-I never watched it.

-Good. They were rubbish.

Then I hear The Fun Bus has been pulled. "Why is that?" you ask.

-Wasn't it cos that girl lost an eye?

-No.

Yeah...but actually, no.

It's because... Top o' the morning!

..Not now, Croc! I'm talking!

Very rude.

It's because Dicky Bubble is a queer and...

-How do you know?

-He's in the clubs.

..and the head of Childrens, Robin Dee, is also a queer. You know...

he's got a wife, but he's queer and basically Dicky Bubble said to Robin Dee, "I'll fill your slot."

Bum sex.

Hey, presto - Des Kaye out of a job!

So can we change the subject?

-Kettle's boiled.

-Thank you.

So...what's everybody doing later?

I SAID... WHAT'S EVERYBODY DOING LATER?!

-Ian?

-Yeah?

-I've just spoken to Mr McWhirter and he says you're not allowed to use Sellotape.

What?

-Any?!

-Apparently not.

-It's a shame. I was happy with that.

-Best start again, eh?

And so our tour of Britain is over for another week.

If you enjoyed the programme, you might like to know

that the book accompanying it has not yet been written. Goodbyes.