Episode 6 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain.

Discovered by Sir Henry Britain in 1610.

Sold to Germany a year later for a pfennig and the promise of a kiss.

Destroyed in 1830-42 and rebuilt a week later by a man.

This we know. Hello.

But what of the people of Britain?

Who they? What do? And why?

Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is meeting the Chancellor.

Of course, when I say the Prime Minister,

I don't mean the real Prime Minister, just that guy from Buffy.

So, in principle, the Budget is approved, is it?

Yes, though you might like to have a look at the focus-group report that's just come through.

Do you have that, Sebastian?

This should make for interesting reading, Prime Minister.

-Is that all?

-Yes.

Though I must say, Robert, I do feel undermined that you consistently distance yourself from me in public.

If you're going to stand for the leadership, come out and say so.

Yeah!

I assure you, Prime Minister, if I have ambitions for the leadership, you'll be first to know.

-Yeah, right(!)

-Thank you, Sebastian.

-Yeah, but he's so two-faced.

-Yes, thank you.

-I heard you had a private meeting with the Home Secretary this morning.

-I did,

but the question of leadership never arose.

-Ooh, you lying cow!

-Sebastian...

-Don't get so het up about it. It's not as if the public will vote for him.

-Why not?

-Look at you -

overweight, losing your hair. The Prime Minister is gorgeous. Well, I wouldn't know, but he is.

If I was to stand, it would be about policies, not presentation.

-So you ARE standing!

-I didn't say that.

-Just try it!

If you must know, I SHALL stand. I shall make my announcement in the House tomorrow.

Sebastian, would you like to show the ex-Chancellor out now?

Get out!

That showed her! Right, we are going to book you a manicure, a pedicure, a facial, the works.

Here we are at the offices of Theatrical Agent Jeremy Rent.

I had an agent once. Before I made the mistake of strangling her.

I'm sorry, but Richard O'Sullivan doesn't get out of bed for less than £50. Good day.

Ah, Dennis! Do come in, dear heart. Lovely to see you. Take a seat, I've got some wonderful news.

-I got you an ice cream.

-Oh, thank you.

Oh, yours looks bigger than mine.

No, it's the same size.

Oh. Anyway, I've had a fax this morning from Euston Films.

Now, where is it? Can you hold this a moment, please?

-Here we are.

-I can't hold it for much longer.

-Just pop it down.

Sonia Chance, new head of ITV, has requested a new series of Minder to go into production in the spring.

Would Dennis be interested?

-I don't want any more.

-Oh, well, just give it here.

I've done a ring-round. George Cole's on board and they're talking to Dave the Barman's people.

Oh that's nice. So they want me to star in it, write the theme toon, sing the theme toon...

Yes, I imagine they do. Anyway, they're very keen. Sonia Chance has been ringing all morning.

-PHONE RINGS

-That will probably be her now. ..Hello?

-Sonia! Yes, he's right here.

-Let me speak to her.

Passing you over.

Hello, Sonia.

Oh, so you want me to reprise my role as Terry McCann?

Write the theme toon, sing the theme toon.

No, thanks. I've moved on.

Those are buses.

But anyway, at his surgery in Darkly Noone, Dr Allburn is examining one of his patients.

OK, Vicky, you can put your clothes back on.

Well, after having had a good look, it's pretty obvious what the diagnosis is.

I've got the lurgy. Yeah.

Cos we was down the arcade and Kelly flobbed on Destiny and it landed in my hair

cos Kelly hates Destiny cos she said Kelly pads her bra. It's true. Nathan pulled out some Jelly Tots.

Er...no, Vicky. I have to tell you, you are in fact eight months' pregnant.

No, you can only get pregnant by sitting in somebody's bathwater. If anyone's pregnant, it's Jo Rowley

cos Meredith says she had her hand down Ashley's trackie bottoms.

Well, you ARE pregnant. So you must have had sexual intercourse eight months ago.

No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but...

cos I've never even had sex apart from once eight months ago. Apart from that, I'm a complete virgin.

So you have had sex at least once?

-Yeah, as a joke! God, this is like being back at school. What happened was, you know Trish?

-Trish?

Trish. Trish Trish. Trish. Rochelle and Trish.

-No.

-She wasn't even there! You don't know what you're on about!

Anyway she dared Melody to nick a Hubba Bubba off Darren Sheen, but anyway Darren ain't got any pubes.

OK, Vicky. I'd strongly advise you, for the sake of your baby, to give up smoking and drinking.

I so can't believe you said that! I smoked once when I was nine.

-I only drink to numb the pain of my worthless life, so you're well out of order!

-OK, right.

What I'm going to do is, I'm going to refer you to our Young Mothers Unit at the city hospital.

You'll have to go this afternoon. Is there anyone to accompany you?

-I'm not asking Shelley cos she's a slag.

-OK. Someone else. Perhaps your mother?

That IS my mother.

In Hamham, ex-Olympic athlete Denver Mills has been booked to give an after-dinner speech.

-..Covered in...

-Save it for the speech, Denver.

-You don't want to go through it?

-No, I trust you.

I'll just introduce you.

A little bit of hush, ladies and gentlemen.

That includes you, Detective Inspector Willow.

OK, it is time to introduce you to our special guest speaker of the evening.

You may have seen him on They Think It's All Over.

Please give it up for Olympic silver medallist, Denver Mills.

Evening, all.

Great to be here. You know, when I was a lad, I always dreamed of going into the Force.

But maybe being an Olympic athlete isn't so different from being a police officer.

First of all, we both get a lot of practice running after black guys.

The difference is, I beat some of mine.

I mean "caught up with" them, not "beat" them, like you do.

I'll just go.

Since cigarette smoking has become mandatory, newsagents in Britain have flourished.

-Right, now you know it's Declan's birthday coming up?

-Who?

-Declan. Your brother.

-Yeah, I know.

It's his birthday and you've got to get him a card. See any you like?

-I want that one.

-That one?

-Yeah.

-That says, "With Deepest Sympathy".

-Yeah, I know.

-That's what you send someone when somebody's died.

-I want that one.

I'm not sure Declan will like it. It'll send out the wrong message.

No, Declan likes sailing boats. Why not get one with sailing boats on?

I want that one.

-This one's got a sailing boat. He likes sailing boats.

-That one.

Are you sure this is the card you want to send Declan for his birthday?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's his birthday, he's not dead!

Meanwhile, FatFighters course leader Marjorie Dawes has popped into her supermarket for a few sundries

and mondries and tuesdries and wednesdries.

Oh, hello.

Sorry, do I know you?

I come to FatFighters.

Oh, yes. Paul, isn't it? Sorry, so many people come to class that I can't remember everybody.

-Is this yours?

-Eh?

No, no. This is my trolley over here.

Oh, hello. ..What's his name?

Baby.

-Oh! This is gonna have a lot of calories!

-It's for the baby.

Anyway, what's all this? Eh?

-Oh, dear! We've found your Achilles foot, haven't we?

-It's just a Tracker bar.

-"Just a Tracker bar"! I don't know why I bother!

-I'll put it back.

-Why come to FatFighters, Paul, if you stuff your face when my back's turned?

-If that's how you feel,

-maybe I shouldn't come.

-No, do, cos we need to keep the numbers up.

OK. Bye, then.

Goodbye.

Hello, Marjorie.

Oh, hello, Meera.

Er...

it's not mine. Another man put them there.

Scotland is a smashing place to take a holiday

and regularly wins the award for best Scottish holiday destination.

So what happened?

Well, it was a Sunday afternoon and we were all sat round as a family watching the telly box.

-What were we watching, children?

-Naked Video.

-Oh, yes, the Naked Video Comedy Show.

The sprites were a'talking and a'laughing and then all of a sudden, POOF!

All was darkness in the kingdom of the sprites.

-The screen went dead?

-Yes.

"Awaken, sprites!" I cried. I tried to tempt them oot, like so...

PLAYS: "The Birdy Song"

"Come oot, ye sprites! Ye naughty sprites!"

-That didn't work?

-I'd love to say, "Yes." But unfortunately the answer is no.

You've got a faulty connection.

Try it now.

Arrgh! The arch wizard himself! Avert thine eyes, children!

He enters a room, and with a budget of just £500, he makes it transform-ed.

He is truly the master of the black arts.

Right, you said you had another TV you wanted me to take a look at.

Yes. 'Tis a curious thing.

By day, 'tis bright, but by night, 'tis as black as a black man's cape.

-That is a window. You do know that, don't you?

-Yes.

Psychiatrist Dr Lawrence lives with his children in this delightful old cottage here in Flatley Village.

Look at it. What a beauty! I'd love to have one like that.

We've got a special guest coming to stay this weekend, who lives at the hospital where Daddy works.

Her name is Anne and we've got to be extra special nice to her. OK?

-Ee-ee-ee!

-Say hello to Anne.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Ee-ee-ee! Ee-ee-ee!

She's nice, isn't she?

Oh, yes. Anne loves goldfish. She looks after the one at hospital. Don't you?

Here we go. Anne's painted a picture for you.

Say thank you.

Thank you.

Don't touch the middle of it.

Back at DIY Universe, Des Kaye is hard at work.

-Excuse me. Can you tell me where the barbecues are?

-Over by the...

-Des!

-Robin Dee.

How are things at Children's? I see the Bubble Twins are doing well.

-Yep, still pulling in the viewers.

-This is the longest they've got.

Dicky Bubble!

Hello, Des.

Oh, so you two just happened to be in the same shop on the same day. Oh, what a coincidence!

-No, we're a couple.

-My divorce came through.

Oh, so you just...?

Oh.

Are you working here now, then, Des?

TANNOY: 'Des Kaye to the stockroom please.'

No.

-You must come in for a meeting some time.

-Oh, um...

I've actually got a big show in development for ITV.

Well, good luck with it.

Cheerio, Des.

But if you've got any money...

(Those two are shoplifters.)

As the sun sets in southern Britain, for those in the North the day is just beginning.

Right, I've got the brochures here.

Now, let's have a look and see where you wanna go.

That one.

-You wanna go there?

-Yeah, that one.

-Well, that is Helsinki.

-Yeah, I know.

-You wanna go to Helsinki?

-Yeah.

We've got loads of brochures here. We haven't looked yet. We could go to Rome, Barcelona...or Florida!

-You can go to Florida very cheap now.

-Helsinki.

But you always said Finland had a maudlin quality,

-rendering it unsuitable as a holiday destination.

-Yeah, I know.

-So where do you wanna go?

-Helsinki.

-You're sticking with Helsinki?

-Helsinki.

I want to go to Florida.

At Kelsey Grammar School, Mr Cleeves is busy taking the register.

-Unman.

-Here.

-Wittering.

-Here.

-And Zigo.

Absent.

Hurry up, come along, in you pop.

Just a couple of points from the headmaster.

Any boys who signed for the school trip to the moon need to pay their deposit by Friday. That's £5.

The bring-and-buy sale on Sunday in the car park raised £36 million for Ethiopian famine. Well done.

Mine-while, at the offices of the Royal Shakespeare Company...

-Found your Boy yet?

-Sorry, who are you?

-We sent you a letter.

-Did you?

-Yes, we did do.

-Raif wanted to audition for the Boy in Henry V.

-I'm afraid we've cast that part now.

-I know.

-Perhaps he can audition for us next season.

-You never even replied.

Really? What's your name?

-Speak up!

-Ralph...

-Raif!

-Raif Patterson.

It is our policy to reply to all letters. I'll see if it's on file.

Aha! Yes, here it is.

-I must say, we thought it was a... wind-up.

-Why's that?

-"Dear Bastard..."

-Just trying to get your attention.

"My name is Ralph..." Raif. "..Patterson, and I am the best actor in the world ever."

We toyed with "ever, ever", but we didn't want him to seem arrogant.

"You may have seen me in The Demon Headmaster." Were you in that?

-I had a line.

-Go on, do it, do it.

-Hello.

-Told you he was good.

Told you he was good!

"I've always loved Shakespeare's plays and am delighted to hear he's written a new one.

"I would be a..." What does that say?

"Brilliant." Sorry, it's difficult writing in blood.

"I would be a brilliant Boy in it or even Henry V himself

"(did you see Bodger and Badger?)."

Ah, you see, we always had Jonathan Pryce in place for the King.

Him? He's Chinese, in't he?

"Give me this job, you shit.

"Yours sincerely, Ralph Patterson."

Is it a yes now? Or do I have to dangle him out the window?

Don't have all the sandwiches, Emma. Anne might like some.

Ee-ee-ee!

Thank you, Anne. Now, do help yourself to sandwiches and cakes. Those are egg and those are tuna.

-Ee-ee-ee!

-That's right. That's egg.

-Ee-ee-ee!

-And that's tuna.

Ee-ee-ee!

PHONE RINGS

Hello? ..I'm just at someone's house. Can I call you back?

Yes, it's a bit rude. ..OK. Bye-bye.

Ee-ee-ee!

Oh, I forgot to set the video for Room 101. ..Sorry.

This is the home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.

Books in Britain have recently become very popular, thanks to the invention of reading.

"Yes," cried Geraldine, "I will marry you! I will! I will!"

The End. How many pages?

Um...

12.

Oh.

"Do you know the Bible?" said Lord Harper.

"No," said Geraldine, "I've never heard of it."

'Oh it's really good," said Lord Harper, "Let me read it to you." "Oh, OK, then," said Geraldine.

"Chapter One. Genesis.

"In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth."

You'll find the rest on the shelf. Wake me up when you finish.

In this boardroom in Gore, a meeting is taking place.

The room doesn't look bored to me. Looks quite perky.

-Crunchy Nut sales are down, but I'm not concerned.

-Here's one for you -

Nutty Nut Nuts. Real nuts covered in, wait for it...

..nuts! How about that for starters?

Er, this is a private meeting.

I was in the supermarket and noticed your cereals aren't selling. There's boxes of 'em!

If you've any ideas, just send them in.

No, Nick, play fair. The lad's got ideas, he's shown pluck and initiative. Let's hear him out.

Thank you, Granddad. Sugar Poofs.

-Gay Men frosted with sugar.

-Interesting.

Golden Graeme. Dr Graeme Garden cut up and covered in delicious gold.

-Not sure.

-Coco Pups.

-Real puppy dogs smothered in chocolate.

-Not for us.

For the health conscious amongst you, how about...an apple?

-I can't really see it.

-Er, Rice Krispies.

-No.

Slice of toast?

-No.

-Full English.

This really isn't what we're looking for. Now we'd be grateful if...

-What if I told you I can invent a cereal that would make everyone who ate it beautiful?

-Can you?

No.

-Get out!

-You heard him. Out!

It is a sad day in Andy's flat, and Lou is being as gentle as he can with him.

-You know it's Maria's funeral today, don't you?

-Yeah, I know.

-We'd better put you in your smart suit, shouldn't we?

-Yeah.

Who's Maria?

Maria's the nice lady who looked after you before she got too ill.

Yeah, I know.

Well, let's just get those off. ..Oh, there you go.

What a kerfuffle!

I don't know how Maria coped on her own all those years.

Right, let's just get these smart trousers on.

One foot...

two foot...

There you go.

Oh!

Oh, it's hard work! Right, let's find you a nice belt.

-You want to look nice and smart, don't you? Give her a good send-off.

-Good send-off, yeah.

Ah!

This is the one Maria bought you.

Yeah?

Who's Maria?

If you like to buy jigsaw puzzles with pieces missing or faulty electrical goods,

why not pop down to your local charity shop?

-Excuse me?

-Yes?

Do you know if anyone died in this?

Um, I don't know. I couldn't say. I'm sorry.

This is very nice.

Yes, it's a lovely colour.

Do you know if anyone died in it?

I don't know.

(We don't tend to ask.)

No, we don't tend to ask.

I think I'll leave it, then.

Oh!

These pyjamas are beautiful!

Oh, yes, they're pure silk.

Do you know if anyone died in them?

Well, a lady did come in yesterday with a big sack of men's clothes and said her husband died in his sleep.

-So he would have died in those.

-I'll take them.

-We're just in the garden, Anne, if you want to join us.

-Ee-ee-ee!

-We can play that later, if you like.

-Ee-ee-ee!

We don't need the toilet just now, Anne.

Ee-ee-ee!

No, Anne. That's Emma's guinea pig. Put that back.

Oh!

SQUEAK!

We'll get you another one.

In the seaside town of Oldhaven,

unconvincing transvestite Emily Howard has gone for a quiet stroll along the prom.

Oh, lovely choice!

Yes.

I am a lady.

Are YOU a lady?

-Yes.

-Isn't it lovely being a lady? I am one.

-And being a lady, I love flowers. Do you love flowers?

-Yes.

-We're like two peas in a pod, aren't we?

-Yes. Well...I must get back to my husband.

I have a husband! They can be so troublesome, these husbands, can't they? We should know, being ladies.

-Shall we go?

-Hello. I'm a friend of your wife.

-..Oh, right.

Yes, we're both ladies and we got chatting and, you know...

-Don't I know you from somewhere?

-I don't think so. I am a lady.

Yeah, I know you. You're Eddie.

-Eddie Howard.

-No, no, I am Emily Howard, a lady.

-We worked together.

-I never worked down the docks!

-Yeah, the docks.

-You can vouch for me, can't you?

-I...

-..You, child, you know I'm a lady, don't you?

No.

You, man on the beach! You know I'm a lady, don't you?

No, you're a bloke.

I am a lady and my name is Emily Howard.

Look!

"Emily Howard."

Good day!

Um, it doesn't seem to be here.

Yeah. Must have crawled out.

-Well, it'll be in here somewhere.

-Yeah.

And so we reach the end of another episode of Little Britain.

If you enjoyed this programme, you may like to know there are other programmes to watch on television.

Such as the news, cartoons and magazine programmes.

Good-boo.

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