Episode 7 Little Britain


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Episode 7

Matt Lucas and David Walliams take a comic look at life in Britain. Teenage mother Vicky Pollard tells her social worker that she has swapped her baby for a Westlife CD.


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Transcript


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Britain, Britain, land of diversity.

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There are hardback books and paperback books.

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Socks come in different lengths and eggs is cooked in many ways.

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But how diverse are the people of Britain?

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We aim to find out by following the lives of ordinary British persons.

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Oh, my sweet li'l hallelujah!

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In her bedsit on this estate in Darkly Noone,

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young mother Vicky Pollard meets her social worker.

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So, how are you coping, Vicky?

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No, cos the other day we was all laughing cos Nicola said she was gonna set fire to Candice's hair.

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But then Ryan Morris and I started getting off together and he phlegmed in my mouth

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and I was like, "Oh, my God! I SO can't believe we just done that!"

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Then Amanda Kaye told Ian Buchan she'd do it for a Creme Egg.

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-So you're fine, good. And how's the baby?

-Fine.

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-Can I see her?

-It's not her, it's "it".

-Well, can I see "it"?

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No, but yeah, but no, because we was all going to go down the offy,

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but they wouldn't serve us cos Emma only looks nine. So then we was going to go down Wimpy instead,

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and Vanessa told Tony that I fancy David Wu,

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-but everyone knows David Wu's got scabby legs.

-And the baby?

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I'm getting there! Carmella's mum was going away so Carmella said she'd have a party,

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then her mum found out and said she couldn't, but we said she had to so she did, but I wasn't invited.

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Me and Jools went round Michaela's, but she was at the party getting fingered by Jamie Stone.

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Vicky, where is the baby?

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Swapped it for a Westlife CD.

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How could you do such a thing?

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I know. They're rubbish.

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Don't go giving me evils!

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Toys in Britain are sold in toy shops.

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This isn't a toy shop. It's a real shop.

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Hello. Are you looking for anything in particular?

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Yes, I was wondering whether you had any pirate memory games suitable for children of between 4 and 8.

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Er, I'll just have a look.

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I can't see any here. One moment.

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Margaret? Margaret?!

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-Yes?

-There's a gentleman here wants to know if we've got any pirate memory games.

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-Ages 4 to...

-Ages 4 to 8.

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We should have some over by the farm toys.

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Oh, yes. Here we are.

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Pieces Of Eight, a pirate memory game, ages 4 to 8.

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-Can I have a look?

-There you go.

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"Match the pirates and find the treasure."

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That all right for you?

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Have you got any other pirate memory games?

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-Um...

-It's not quite what I had in mind.

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I can't see any here. One moment. Margaret?

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-Margaret?!

-What?

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-Have we got any other pirate memory games?

-What?

-Have we got any other pirate memory games?

-No.

-No.

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-I think that's the only one they do.

-She thinks that's the only one they do.

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-What's wrong with it?

-What's wrong with it?

-I wanted something less piratey.

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-He wanted something a little less piratey!

-Oh, right. Has he tried Simmons?

-Have you tried Simmons?

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-Yes, I've just been there.

-Oh, I don't know what to suggest.

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-Is there a shop near here that specialises in pirate memory games?

-Er, I'm not sure.

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Margaret will know. One moment.

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-Margaret? Margaret?! Is there a shop that specialises in pirate memory games?

-Near here.

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-Near here.

-I don't think there are any in the local area, no.

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She says she doesn't think there are any in the local area, no.

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OK, I'll, er...

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I'll just wait.

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Meanwhile, the fatties arrive for their weekly meeting.

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Paul, can I just have a quick word, please?

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Paul, what happened last night was just a one-off. OK?

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Yeah, I was gonna say something.

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-I don't know what came over me.

-I had a bit too much to drink.

-It's not gonna happen again.

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OK? So let's just try and forget about it and not let it come into the meeting.

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OK. Welcome to FatFighters.

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Today we're going to be talking about motivation. You all need a little bit more motivation.

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So we're gonna start with a little exercise.

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Now, I want everybody to close their eyes. Close your eyes. Yeah.

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Empty your thoughts, that's it, yeah. And picture yourself naked.

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Not nice, is it?!

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Eh?

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Who the hell would want a lump like that huffing and puffing on top of them all night? Eyes closed, Paul.

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In Herby, Lou Todd has offered to paint his friend Andy's bedroom.

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-Now, are you sure you want red?

-Yeah.

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-Cos I've got a very nice blue here, you like blue.

-Yeah, I know.

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-But you'd rather have red?

-Red, yeah.

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You asked for red last time, and then you said you didn't like it. You said it was oppressive.

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-You said it was the colour of blood and henceforth death.

-Yeah, I know.

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-So what's it to be?

-Red.

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Yeah, but I'm not painting it once and then having to do it again

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-because you say you don't like it. That's a right kerfuffle.

-I know.

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-So final choice...red?

-Red. Yeah.

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Do you...

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-Do you want to do the last little bit?

-Yeah.

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OK.

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Here we go.

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There, it's finished.

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I don't like red.

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For 20 years now, Len Boothe has been taking visitors on his tour of the charming village of Pove.

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OK, ladies and gents. First up on your right is St Robin's church.

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The church was built in 1508, although there was actually a fire here in 1812,

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and the wooden roof was destroyed.

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I will always have fond memories of that church,

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because it was on that bench that me and my wife Eileen first kissed.

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And we've been married 32 year this year.

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Thank you very much.

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Now, next up is The Hanging Judge, which is actually the oldest pub in Pove.

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Dates back to, we think, 1604.

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Why it's called The Hanging Judge, no-one seems to know.

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Incidentally, just in the beer garden by the swings

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is where Eileen first permitted me to have a little go on her breasts.

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OK. We're coming up now to the Old Bridge,

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which actually goes back to Roman times.

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And it was underneath this bridge that my wife first performed an act of oral love upon me.

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Happy days. Yeah.

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Sorry, it's a no-smoking vehicle.

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OK. Now we are coming up to one of the oldest blacksmiths in the country.

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Legend has it that Charles I stopped off there to get his horse's shoes changed.

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And it was just down that path there that I first took Eileen up the wrong 'un.

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Moving on...

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Meanwhile, at this pub in Llandewi Breffi,

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the glasses are being collected early because it's a special night.

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Oh, Myfanwy, these crisps are cheese and onion!

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Oh. Do gay people not like cheese and onion?

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-Well,

-I

-don't and I am a gay.

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-I'll open the barbecue beef.

-If you wouldn't mind.

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-I think you'll get a big crowd in tonight.

-I'd be very surprised if anybody turned up at all Myfanwy.

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Everybody knows I am the only gay in this village.

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-So you keep saying.

-It's five to eight, there's no-one here, I might as well go home.

-But it's early.

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-It says eight o'clock on the posters.

-Don't know why I bothered with this gay night, it was doomed.

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Well, Myfanwy, I imagine I'll always be the only gay in the village. Good night to you.

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Get back! Get back! Get back, you gay bastards!

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-There's hundreds of 'em! What am I going to do?!

-Well, let them in!

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-Get rid of them!

-I'll do no such thing.

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-You made your gay bed, now lie in it.

-Myfanwy!

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Daffyd.

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-THEY CLAMOUR

-Quiet!

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Liza Minnelli!

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Thank you. Now, er, I'm very sorry, gays, but I'm afraid gay night has been cancelled.

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ALL: Oh, no!

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I've just had a letter from the council saying that only one gay is allowed in Llandewi Breffi - me.

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So, all return to your neighbouring villages, please.

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-Oh, Daffyd, you bloody fool!

-What?

-Well, think of all the cock and bum fun you could have had!

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That's the last time I close my pub for one of your gay nights!

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Something against gay people, have you?

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Samantha Grant recently upset her parents by marrying her former teacher.

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-To clear the air, she has invited them round for dinner.

-What time are your parents coming?

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-Any minute and I can't find the napkin rings.

-Calm down.

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I just want everything to be right.

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Look, I may have been your teacher, but we're just like any other couple.

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-BELL RINGS

-The bell's a signal for me not you.

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I'll just put the veg on.

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-Ah, Mr and Mrs Hughes, please come in. Come in.

-Ah, thank you.

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Please sit down.

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Right, Samantha, Samantha, Samantha. Samantha, Samantha...

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Samantha Carver. Ah, yes - Samantha Grant.

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Yes.

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Overall, it's been a good three months of marriage for Samantha. She's a very clever girl.

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She's got a lot to say for herself, sometimes a little too much.

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-And her work can sometimes be a little slapdash.

-What do you mean?

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Well, take this for example. I mean, she's dusted it,

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obviously at the last minute, and she's missed around the edges,

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so I gave her six out of ten.

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Er, could you bring in the wine now please, Samantha?

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-Walk, don't run!

-Sorry, still cooking.

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Smells lovely, dear. Oh, we've missed you, pet.

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Hello, Dad. Hello, stranger.

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How might one order a bottle of wine in France? Samantha?

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Oh, une boutteille de vin, s'il vous plait.

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Ah, c'est formidable.

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Samantha's very good at oral.

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Meanwhile, it is a sad day at Sandi Toksvig House.

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We're very sorry for your loss.

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Thank you.

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Do come in.

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She's just through there.

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-It sounds awful to say, but in a way it's a relief.

-Yes.

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She'd been very ill for many years and we'd had so many scares.

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So, in the end, it was just very peaceful.

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Mr Garfield. Yes?

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Can you come in here?

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-Excuse me.

-Of course.

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Come on, Bernard, Kitty wouldn't want you to cry.

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Mr Chumley?

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Yes?

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She's not dead.

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No, I know. Any chance you could take her anyway?

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-BANGING

-Yes. All right, Kitty!

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Over ten board games are sold every day in Britain.

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The most popular are Ask Alan, Frobisher's Fingers and Pigdog.

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-This is the big one - it's called Snakes And Snakes.

-Right.

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-You know Snakes And Ladders?

-Yeah.

-Like that, but with snakes.

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-Right.

-There is a snake on every square - devilishly difficult, no-one's ever finished it.

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-How's that for starters?

-Er...

-Got another one.

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-Milk Round.

-Right. How does Milk Round work?

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You are a milkman delivering milk, or a woman, to a house from your van, or a flat.

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You be the milk bottle. I will be the loaf of bread.

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-Right, pick a card.

-Er...

-What's it say?

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"Two pints of milk, please."

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Right, what that means is, please - two pints of milk please for house number one, right. Roll the dice.

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I said roll the dice!

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Oh, sorry.

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-Six - ignore it. Right, what are you again?

-The milk bottle.

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I wanted to be the milk bottle.

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-This is all very interesting...

-Right, got another one!

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Scratch Wood Scratch. ..Your go.

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-No.

-I don't even know what the... I don't know.

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I've never seen that move before! Let me just check the rule book.

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Yeah, you've won. You're a clever one, I'll give you that.

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-Right, got another one. Throw Baby, Catch Baby.

-Right.

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-But you need a real baby.

-No.

-Cards?

-No.

-Fighting!

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How can I put this?

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There seems to have been some sort of misunderstanding here.

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-We are not a games manufacturer. You do know that?

-Yeah.

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And we've never made games here. We import tyres. You do know that?

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Yeah.

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Your point being?

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At Kelsey Grammar School, a new term is beginning.

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You may sit.

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Right, let me introduce myself.

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My name is Mr Cleaves,

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and I will be teaching you biology.

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And he never took an assembly again!

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This sorbet is delicious. Did you make it yourself?

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-Yes, with a little help from Nigella.

-What?

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I got it out of Nigella Lawson's book.

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You copied it from Nigella?

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-Well...

-Took the work of another and passed it off as your own.

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Right, in the bin!

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-I was enjoying that.

-Yes, well, no-one likes a cheat.

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Sorry about that. He doesn't always treat me like I'm still at school.

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-Coffee, anyone?

-Oh, yes, please, darling,

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-There we are.

-Thank you.

-I think it's wonderful they still do this free milk.

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Child labour is, thankfully, alive and well in Britain.

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Today, some child actors are auditioning for a production of Bugsy Malone.

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James Wilton and Ralph Patterson.

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-It's Raif. ..No pressure, but if you don't get it, we have to sell the rabbit.

-Mum, I'll do my best.

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OK, good luck, love.

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Oh, don't forget your tap shoes, and tell them your cousin was on Double Dare!

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Does your boy go up for much?

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Oh, no, this is his first, you know, apart from the school play, like.

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Oh, so he's not at stage school?

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No, just normal school.

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He don't stand a chance, then.

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-You gotta get him into a stage school.

-Are they not quite dear?

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Yeah, but you gotta make sacrifices. Look, I sold me shoes.

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-And I'm on the game, just so Raif can go to Italia Conti.

-So it's good?

-Worth every penny.

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-He was in the last 12 for Dairylea AND had a callback for Bodger And Badger.

-Really?

-I'm not a liar!

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Well, thanks for all your advice, like.

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We knew he was going to be an actor since before he was born, yeah.

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He's so talented! They say he gets it from me.

0:19:030:19:07

-Right.

-I'd have loved to have gone to a stage school, but my mother wouldn't make the sacrifices I did.

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Still, she's blind now and that gives me some comfort.

0:19:150:19:19

-Are you single?

-Mr Wilton, we want to recall James for this afternoon.

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Mrs Patterson, you are free to go.

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-Well done, lad.

-Yeah, well done. Really, really well done!

0:19:260:19:31

-Argh!

-Oh, is he all right?

-He's bleeding!

-Oh, he won't be Bugsy Malone now.

0:19:310:19:37

Come on. Better luck next time, eh?

0:19:370:19:40

Oh.

0:19:400:19:42

Crazy! You'll be all right.

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Let's have a look, let's have a look.

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Oh, dear! We'll go and get it cleaned up, right.

0:19:490:19:53

It's party conference time, and late at night in his hotel room

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the Prime Minister is making some final changes to his big speech.

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I love party conferences. They're brilliant!

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I've got them all on video.

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That all seems fine. Just punch out the stuff about education reforms.

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Let's call it a night.

0:20:110:20:13

OK. We'll get to work on that and we'll see you in the morning.

0:20:130:20:18

Good night, Prime Minister. Good night.

0:20:180:20:21

Oh, I thought they'd never leave!

0:20:260:20:28

-Is there something else you wanted to talk about?

-Not really, no.

0:20:280:20:32

Oh, I'm shattered.

0:20:320:20:35

PHONE RINGS

0:20:400:20:43

-It's probably the Japanese prime minister. Would you mind?

-Can I just use your loo?

0:20:430:20:48

-Yes.

-Thank you.

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Hello?

0:20:510:20:53

Put him through.

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Kazuko, koninichiwa.

0:20:570:21:00

Yes, yes, it's coming along.

0:21:000:21:02

Look, I've got the treaty right here.

0:21:020:21:06

What exactly are your objections to it?

0:21:070:21:12

Yeah, I do realise it's a very sensitive issue for your people.

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Yeah.

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No, no, I appreciate your concerns about the second clause.

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Perhaps we could look at making an amendment that everybody would agree with.

0:21:230:21:28

I shall be meeting with the Cabinet tomorrow and I think we'll get a clearer picture of where we are.

0:21:280:21:35

No, I think it's very nearly there.

0:21:370:21:40

It's just a couple of details, isn't it?

0:21:400:21:44

Hmm? ..No, I...I take it you'll be at the summit on the 15th?

0:21:440:21:49

It's important we have it resolved.

0:21:490:21:52

Are you guys going to be long?

0:21:520:21:54

He'll call you back.

0:22:000:22:03

Be gentle with me, Prime Minister.

0:22:060:22:08

At his home in Herby, Andy is busy eating his own body weight in nuts.

0:22:100:22:16

-What are you watching? Monster Trucks?

-Monster Trucks, yeah.

0:22:160:22:21

Well, I have got something rather special for you.

0:22:210:22:26

What is it?

0:22:260:22:28

-It's the new chair you wanted.

-Yeah, I know.

0:22:280:22:31

I had to go all the way to Cranmouth for it.

0:22:310:22:35

Right, let's pop you in it.

0:22:350:22:37

One, two, aaah! That's got you, that's got you, that's got you.

0:22:370:22:42

That's got you, that's got you.

0:22:420:22:45

I don't like it.

0:22:460:22:48

-Give it a chance.

-I wanna get out.

0:22:480:22:52

Maybe you just need a cushion. Look, I'll go and pop your tea on and then I'll sort it out.

0:22:520:22:59

-Everything all right?

-Yeah, fine.

0:23:090:23:12

-Roy?

-Yes, Margaret?

0:23:140:23:16

-Is the pirate memory game man still there?

-Yes, Margaret.

-I think I've found something.

-Oh.

0:23:160:23:23

Oh, my word, how funny!

0:23:240:23:27

Cap'n Jack's Pirate Memory Game. How funny - ages four to eight!

0:23:290:23:34

And it does look a little less piratey than the other one.

0:23:340:23:37

-Well, what does he reckon?

-Well, what do you reckon?

0:23:370:23:42

-Can I have a look at the other one again?

-Yes, of course. There you go.

0:23:460:23:51

-And how much is this one again?

-They both retail at £4.95.

-Oh.

-Oh, is there a problem?

0:23:570:24:03

I was hoping to spend around £4.80.

0:24:030:24:06

-I'll get money for me birthday next week. I'll buy it then.

-Yes.

0:24:080:24:13

SIGNS HEAVILY

0:24:180:24:20

Sheltered accommodation is where people who are too old and lazy to do things for themselves are kept.

0:24:270:24:35

-Do I look all right?

-Yeah, you look fine.

0:24:350:24:39

RINGS DOORBELL So, no Grandad in the frame?

0:24:390:24:44

-No, he died ten years ago.

-Great! ..Shock that must have been.

0:24:440:24:48

-Oh, hello, love.

-Hello, Nan.

0:24:510:24:54

-Sorry to keep you. My hip's playing up again.

-You remember Jason?

-Yes.

0:24:540:24:58

Hello.

0:25:040:25:05

Oh! Mind my bag - it's nearly full.

0:25:140:25:18

-We've got your shopping.

-You are good. Come in.

0:25:180:25:23

I'm sorry I'm in my nightie.

0:25:250:25:27

-That's all right. You've got the figure for it.

-Oh, thanks.

0:25:270:25:31

-We'll... We'll just put these away for you.

-Oh, thanks.

-Cheers.

0:25:310:25:37

Thanks for helping with the shopping. You are a good boy.

0:25:410:25:46

I can be a bad boy sometimes.

0:25:460:25:49

It's hot in here.

0:25:510:25:53

I like it nice and warm.

0:25:530:25:55

Workin' up...quite a sweat.

0:25:550:25:59

You couldn't pass me that pouffe, could you, dear?

0:25:590:26:03

My feet are killing me.

0:26:030:26:06

Oh, baby...

0:26:210:26:23

-Is that nice?

-Oh, yeah.

0:26:250:26:28

-What about here?

-Mmm.

0:26:300:26:33

Didn't know if you wanted sugar...

0:26:480:26:50

-What's going on?

-It's not what it looks like.

-Get out!

0:26:530:26:59

Is he a TRAINED chiropodist?

0:27:110:27:14

Oh, I forgot to say - I won't be here tomorrow night.

0:27:230:27:26

Mr Jackson will be filling in for me.

0:27:260:27:29

Right, I think that's ready to go in the oven now.

0:27:320:27:37

Got it.

0:27:370:27:39

Got it. Oh, I've got it.

0:27:390:27:41

Yeah, yeah.

0:27:460:27:47

Bit lower. ..Try it round this way.

0:27:480:27:52

So we reach the end of this evening's television programme.

0:27:520:27:58

And what a remarkable array of Britons we've met!

0:27:580:28:02

My favourites were the little kicking boy,

0:28:020:28:05

Beefy Bill, and Dicky Snapples, the dwarf who hides apples.

0:28:050:28:09

Until next time, goodbive.

0:28:090:28:11

Subtitles by Graeme Dibble and Carolyn Donaldson BBC Broadcast 2003

0:28:110:28:14

E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk

0:28:140:28:16