Episode 7 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, land of diversity.

There are hardback books and paperback books.

Socks come in different lengths and eggs is cooked in many ways.

But how diverse are the people of Britain?

We aim to find out by following the lives of ordinary British persons.

Oh, my sweet li'l hallelujah!

In her bedsit on this estate in Darkly Noone,

young mother Vicky Pollard meets her social worker.

So, how are you coping, Vicky?

No, cos the other day we was all laughing cos Nicola said she was gonna set fire to Candice's hair.

But then Ryan Morris and I started getting off together and he phlegmed in my mouth

and I was like, "Oh, my God! I SO can't believe we just done that!"

Then Amanda Kaye told Ian Buchan she'd do it for a Creme Egg.

-So you're fine, good. And how's the baby?

-Fine.

-Can I see her?

-It's not her, it's "it".

-Well, can I see "it"?

No, but yeah, but no, because we was all going to go down the offy,

but they wouldn't serve us cos Emma only looks nine. So then we was going to go down Wimpy instead,

and Vanessa told Tony that I fancy David Wu,

-but everyone knows David Wu's got scabby legs.

-And the baby?

I'm getting there! Carmella's mum was going away so Carmella said she'd have a party,

then her mum found out and said she couldn't, but we said she had to so she did, but I wasn't invited.

Me and Jools went round Michaela's, but she was at the party getting fingered by Jamie Stone.

Vicky, where is the baby?

Swapped it for a Westlife CD.

How could you do such a thing?

I know. They're rubbish.

Don't go giving me evils!

Toys in Britain are sold in toy shops.

This isn't a toy shop. It's a real shop.

Hello. Are you looking for anything in particular?

Yes, I was wondering whether you had any pirate memory games suitable for children of between 4 and 8.

Er, I'll just have a look.

I can't see any here. One moment.

Margaret? Margaret?!

-Yes?

-There's a gentleman here wants to know if we've got any pirate memory games.

-Ages 4 to...

-Ages 4 to 8.

We should have some over by the farm toys.

Oh, yes. Here we are.

Pieces Of Eight, a pirate memory game, ages 4 to 8.

-Can I have a look?

-There you go.

"Match the pirates and find the treasure."

That all right for you?

Have you got any other pirate memory games?

-Um...

-It's not quite what I had in mind.

I can't see any here. One moment. Margaret?

-Margaret?!

-What?

-Have we got any other pirate memory games?

-What?

-Have we got any other pirate memory games?

-No.

-No.

-I think that's the only one they do.

-She thinks that's the only one they do.

-What's wrong with it?

-What's wrong with it?

-I wanted something less piratey.

-He wanted something a little less piratey!

-Oh, right. Has he tried Simmons?

-Have you tried Simmons?

-Yes, I've just been there.

-Oh, I don't know what to suggest.

-Is there a shop near here that specialises in pirate memory games?

-Er, I'm not sure.

Margaret will know. One moment.

-Margaret? Margaret?! Is there a shop that specialises in pirate memory games?

-Near here.

-Near here.

-I don't think there are any in the local area, no.

She says she doesn't think there are any in the local area, no.

OK, I'll, er...

I'll just wait.

Meanwhile, the fatties arrive for their weekly meeting.

Paul, can I just have a quick word, please?

Paul, what happened last night was just a one-off. OK?

Yeah, I was gonna say something.

-I don't know what came over me.

-I had a bit too much to drink.

-It's not gonna happen again.

OK? So let's just try and forget about it and not let it come into the meeting.

OK. Welcome to FatFighters.

Today we're going to be talking about motivation. You all need a little bit more motivation.

So we're gonna start with a little exercise.

Now, I want everybody to close their eyes. Close your eyes. Yeah.

Empty your thoughts, that's it, yeah. And picture yourself naked.

Not nice, is it?!

Eh?

Who the hell would want a lump like that huffing and puffing on top of them all night? Eyes closed, Paul.

In Herby, Lou Todd has offered to paint his friend Andy's bedroom.

-Now, are you sure you want red?

-Yeah.

-Cos I've got a very nice blue here, you like blue.

-Yeah, I know.

-But you'd rather have red?

-Red, yeah.

You asked for red last time, and then you said you didn't like it. You said it was oppressive.

-You said it was the colour of blood and henceforth death.

-Yeah, I know.

-So what's it to be?

-Red.

Yeah, but I'm not painting it once and then having to do it again

-because you say you don't like it. That's a right kerfuffle.

-I know.

-So final choice...red?

-Red. Yeah.

Do you...

-Do you want to do the last little bit?

-Yeah.

OK.

Here we go.

There, it's finished.

I don't like red.

For 20 years now, Len Boothe has been taking visitors on his tour of the charming village of Pove.

OK, ladies and gents. First up on your right is St Robin's church.

The church was built in 1508, although there was actually a fire here in 1812,

and the wooden roof was destroyed.

I will always have fond memories of that church,

because it was on that bench that me and my wife Eileen first kissed.

And we've been married 32 year this year.

Thank you very much.

Now, next up is The Hanging Judge, which is actually the oldest pub in Pove.

Dates back to, we think, 1604.

Why it's called The Hanging Judge, no-one seems to know.

Incidentally, just in the beer garden by the swings

is where Eileen first permitted me to have a little go on her breasts.

OK. We're coming up now to the Old Bridge,

which actually goes back to Roman times.

And it was underneath this bridge that my wife first performed an act of oral love upon me.

Happy days. Yeah.

Sorry, it's a no-smoking vehicle.

OK. Now we are coming up to one of the oldest blacksmiths in the country.

Legend has it that Charles I stopped off there to get his horse's shoes changed.

And it was just down that path there that I first took Eileen up the wrong 'un.

Moving on...

Meanwhile, at this pub in Llandewi Breffi,

the glasses are being collected early because it's a special night.

Oh, Myfanwy, these crisps are cheese and onion!

Oh. Do gay people not like cheese and onion?

-Well,

-I

-don't and I am a gay.

-I'll open the barbecue beef.

-If you wouldn't mind.

-I think you'll get a big crowd in tonight.

-I'd be very surprised if anybody turned up at all Myfanwy.

Everybody knows I am the only gay in this village.

-So you keep saying.

-It's five to eight, there's no-one here, I might as well go home.

-But it's early.

-It says eight o'clock on the posters.

-Don't know why I bothered with this gay night, it was doomed.

Well, Myfanwy, I imagine I'll always be the only gay in the village. Good night to you.

Get back! Get back! Get back, you gay bastards!

-There's hundreds of 'em! What am I going to do?!

-Well, let them in!

-Get rid of them!

-I'll do no such thing.

-You made your gay bed, now lie in it.

-Myfanwy!

Daffyd.

-THEY CLAMOUR

-Quiet!

Liza Minnelli!

Thank you. Now, er, I'm very sorry, gays, but I'm afraid gay night has been cancelled.

ALL: Oh, no!

I've just had a letter from the council saying that only one gay is allowed in Llandewi Breffi - me.

So, all return to your neighbouring villages, please.

-Oh, Daffyd, you bloody fool!

-What?

-Well, think of all the cock and bum fun you could have had!

That's the last time I close my pub for one of your gay nights!

Something against gay people, have you?

Samantha Grant recently upset her parents by marrying her former teacher.

-To clear the air, she has invited them round for dinner.

-What time are your parents coming?

-Any minute and I can't find the napkin rings.

-Calm down.

I just want everything to be right.

Look, I may have been your teacher, but we're just like any other couple.

-BELL RINGS

-The bell's a signal for me not you.

I'll just put the veg on.

-Ah, Mr and Mrs Hughes, please come in. Come in.

-Ah, thank you.

Please sit down.

Right, Samantha, Samantha, Samantha. Samantha, Samantha...

Samantha Carver. Ah, yes - Samantha Grant.

Yes.

Overall, it's been a good three months of marriage for Samantha. She's a very clever girl.

She's got a lot to say for herself, sometimes a little too much.

-And her work can sometimes be a little slapdash.

-What do you mean?

Well, take this for example. I mean, she's dusted it,

obviously at the last minute, and she's missed around the edges,

so I gave her six out of ten.

Er, could you bring in the wine now please, Samantha?

-Walk, don't run!

-Sorry, still cooking.

Smells lovely, dear. Oh, we've missed you, pet.

Hello, Dad. Hello, stranger.

How might one order a bottle of wine in France? Samantha?

Oh, une boutteille de vin, s'il vous plait.

Ah, c'est formidable.

Samantha's very good at oral.

Meanwhile, it is a sad day at Sandi Toksvig House.

We're very sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

Do come in.

She's just through there.

-It sounds awful to say, but in a way it's a relief.

-Yes.

She'd been very ill for many years and we'd had so many scares.

So, in the end, it was just very peaceful.

Mr Garfield. Yes?

Can you come in here?

-Excuse me.

-Of course.

Come on, Bernard, Kitty wouldn't want you to cry.

Mr Chumley?

Yes?

She's not dead.

No, I know. Any chance you could take her anyway?

-BANGING

-Yes. All right, Kitty!

Over ten board games are sold every day in Britain.

The most popular are Ask Alan, Frobisher's Fingers and Pigdog.

-This is the big one - it's called Snakes And Snakes.

-Right.

-You know Snakes And Ladders?

-Yeah.

-Like that, but with snakes.

-Right.

-There is a snake on every square - devilishly difficult, no-one's ever finished it.

-How's that for starters?

-Er...

-Got another one.

-Milk Round.

-Right. How does Milk Round work?

You are a milkman delivering milk, or a woman, to a house from your van, or a flat.

You be the milk bottle. I will be the loaf of bread.

-Right, pick a card.

-Er...

-What's it say?

"Two pints of milk, please."

Right, what that means is, please - two pints of milk please for house number one, right. Roll the dice.

I said roll the dice!

Oh, sorry.

-Six - ignore it. Right, what are you again?

-The milk bottle.

I wanted to be the milk bottle.

-This is all very interesting...

-Right, got another one!

Scratch Wood Scratch. ..Your go.

-No.

-I don't even know what the... I don't know.

I've never seen that move before! Let me just check the rule book.

Yeah, you've won. You're a clever one, I'll give you that.

-Right, got another one. Throw Baby, Catch Baby.

-Right.

-But you need a real baby.

-No.

-Cards?

-No.

-Fighting!

How can I put this?

There seems to have been some sort of misunderstanding here.

-We are not a games manufacturer. You do know that?

-Yeah.

And we've never made games here. We import tyres. You do know that?

Yeah.

Your point being?

At Kelsey Grammar School, a new term is beginning.

You may sit.

Right, let me introduce myself.

My name is Mr Cleaves,

and I will be teaching you biology.

And he never took an assembly again!

This sorbet is delicious. Did you make it yourself?

-Yes, with a little help from Nigella.

-What?

I got it out of Nigella Lawson's book.

You copied it from Nigella?

-Well...

-Took the work of another and passed it off as your own.

Right, in the bin!

-I was enjoying that.

-Yes, well, no-one likes a cheat.

Sorry about that. He doesn't always treat me like I'm still at school.

-Coffee, anyone?

-Oh, yes, please, darling,

-There we are.

-Thank you.

-I think it's wonderful they still do this free milk.

Child labour is, thankfully, alive and well in Britain.

Today, some child actors are auditioning for a production of Bugsy Malone.

James Wilton and Ralph Patterson.

-It's Raif. ..No pressure, but if you don't get it, we have to sell the rabbit.

-Mum, I'll do my best.

OK, good luck, love.

Oh, don't forget your tap shoes, and tell them your cousin was on Double Dare!

Does your boy go up for much?

Oh, no, this is his first, you know, apart from the school play, like.

Oh, so he's not at stage school?

No, just normal school.

He don't stand a chance, then.

-You gotta get him into a stage school.

-Are they not quite dear?

Yeah, but you gotta make sacrifices. Look, I sold me shoes.

-And I'm on the game, just so Raif can go to Italia Conti.

-So it's good?

-Worth every penny.

-He was in the last 12 for Dairylea AND had a callback for Bodger And Badger.

-Really?

-I'm not a liar!

Well, thanks for all your advice, like.

We knew he was going to be an actor since before he was born, yeah.

He's so talented! They say he gets it from me.

-Right.

-I'd have loved to have gone to a stage school, but my mother wouldn't make the sacrifices I did.

Still, she's blind now and that gives me some comfort.

-Are you single?

-Mr Wilton, we want to recall James for this afternoon.

Mrs Patterson, you are free to go.

-Well done, lad.

-Yeah, well done. Really, really well done!

-Argh!

-Oh, is he all right?

-He's bleeding!

-Oh, he won't be Bugsy Malone now.

Come on. Better luck next time, eh?

Oh.

Crazy! You'll be all right.

Let's have a look, let's have a look.

Oh, dear! We'll go and get it cleaned up, right.

It's party conference time, and late at night in his hotel room

the Prime Minister is making some final changes to his big speech.

I love party conferences. They're brilliant!

I've got them all on video.

That all seems fine. Just punch out the stuff about education reforms.

Let's call it a night.

OK. We'll get to work on that and we'll see you in the morning.

Good night, Prime Minister. Good night.

Oh, I thought they'd never leave!

-Is there something else you wanted to talk about?

-Not really, no.

Oh, I'm shattered.

PHONE RINGS

-It's probably the Japanese prime minister. Would you mind?

-Can I just use your loo?

-Yes.

-Thank you.

Hello?

Put him through.

Kazuko, koninichiwa.

Yes, yes, it's coming along.

Look, I've got the treaty right here.

What exactly are your objections to it?

Yeah, I do realise it's a very sensitive issue for your people.

Yeah.

No, no, I appreciate your concerns about the second clause.

Perhaps we could look at making an amendment that everybody would agree with.

I shall be meeting with the Cabinet tomorrow and I think we'll get a clearer picture of where we are.

No, I think it's very nearly there.

It's just a couple of details, isn't it?

Hmm? ..No, I...I take it you'll be at the summit on the 15th?

It's important we have it resolved.

Are you guys going to be long?

He'll call you back.

Be gentle with me, Prime Minister.

At his home in Herby, Andy is busy eating his own body weight in nuts.

-What are you watching? Monster Trucks?

-Monster Trucks, yeah.

Well, I have got something rather special for you.

What is it?

-It's the new chair you wanted.

-Yeah, I know.

I had to go all the way to Cranmouth for it.

Right, let's pop you in it.

One, two, aaah! That's got you, that's got you, that's got you.

That's got you, that's got you.

I don't like it.

-Give it a chance.

-I wanna get out.

Maybe you just need a cushion. Look, I'll go and pop your tea on and then I'll sort it out.

-Everything all right?

-Yeah, fine.

-Roy?

-Yes, Margaret?

-Is the pirate memory game man still there?

-Yes, Margaret.

-I think I've found something.

-Oh.

Oh, my word, how funny!

Cap'n Jack's Pirate Memory Game. How funny - ages four to eight!

And it does look a little less piratey than the other one.

-Well, what does he reckon?

-Well, what do you reckon?

-Can I have a look at the other one again?

-Yes, of course. There you go.

-And how much is this one again?

-They both retail at £4.95.

-Oh.

-Oh, is there a problem?

I was hoping to spend around £4.80.

-I'll get money for me birthday next week. I'll buy it then.

-Yes.

SIGNS HEAVILY

Sheltered accommodation is where people who are too old and lazy to do things for themselves are kept.

-Do I look all right?

-Yeah, you look fine.

RINGS DOORBELL So, no Grandad in the frame?

-No, he died ten years ago.

-Great! ..Shock that must have been.

-Oh, hello, love.

-Hello, Nan.

-Sorry to keep you. My hip's playing up again.

-You remember Jason?

-Yes.

Hello.

Oh! Mind my bag - it's nearly full.

-We've got your shopping.

-You are good. Come in.

I'm sorry I'm in my nightie.

-That's all right. You've got the figure for it.

-Oh, thanks.

-We'll... We'll just put these away for you.

-Oh, thanks.

-Cheers.

Thanks for helping with the shopping. You are a good boy.

I can be a bad boy sometimes.

It's hot in here.

I like it nice and warm.

Workin' up...quite a sweat.

You couldn't pass me that pouffe, could you, dear?

My feet are killing me.

Oh, baby...

-Is that nice?

-Oh, yeah.

-What about here?

-Mmm.

Didn't know if you wanted sugar...

-What's going on?

-It's not what it looks like.

-Get out!

Is he a TRAINED chiropodist?

Oh, I forgot to say - I won't be here tomorrow night.

Mr Jackson will be filling in for me.

Right, I think that's ready to go in the oven now.

Got it.

Got it. Oh, I've got it.

Yeah, yeah.

Bit lower. ..Try it round this way.

So we reach the end of this evening's television programme.

And what a remarkable array of Britons we've met!

My favourites were the little kicking boy,

Beefy Bill, and Dicky Snapples, the dwarf who hides apples.

Until next time, goodbive.

Subtitles by Graeme Dibble and Carolyn Donaldson BBC Broadcast 2003

E-mail us at [email protected]