Episode 8 Little Britain


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Episode 8

Matt Lucas and David Walliams take a comic look at life in Britain. Sebastian helps with an important visit from the Italian Prime Minister, and Vicky Pollard goes back to school.


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LineFromTo

Brighton, Brighton, Brigh... Oh!

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Britain, Britain, Britain! Birthplace of William Shakespeare,

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Mahatma Gandhi and Big Bird!

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But what of the ordinary people of Britain?

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What about them and all their stuff?

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We aim to find out in what I promise is the final episode of this series!

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This programme contains some strong language.

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Transvestism in Britain is as popular today as it has always been.

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I'm currently wearing a lovely dress that used to belong to my father.

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ENGINE STRUGGLES

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Oi, mate?

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-You in the skirt.

-Yes?!

-Could you give me a push?

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-HIGH VOICE:

-But I'm a lady!

-Please?!

-Ladies don't push!

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-Oh, go on, pal.

-All right, then. A little lady's push.

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LIGHT PANTING ENGINE STRUGGLES

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-Could you push harder?

-It sounds like you've flooded the engine.

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-Oh, have I?

-Being a lady, I wouldn't really know, but it sounds like you've had the choke out too long.

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-Really?

-Oui, oui. Ouvrez le bonnet.

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-DEEP VOICE:

-Yeah, you've a faulty connection with your starter motor.

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-HIGH VOICE:

-Try it now.

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-ENGINE STARTS Oh, thanks.

-Pleasure's all mine.

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You certainly know your stuff.

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-I grew up with three brothers, so I suppose I am a bit of a tomboy!

-Yeah, I bet you are.

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It's 20 to Toby, and we're in Wales,

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which is, apparently, a part of Britain.

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Absolutely fascinating!

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It says in here Boy George is a gay!

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Can I have another Bacardi and Coke, Myfanwy?

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Can Miss Fitzwilliams get it? I'm leaving now.

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-Oh, yes, where are you going?

-Well... I got a date, see.

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Ooh!

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Oh, I'd love to go on a date, but I can't as I'm the only gay in the village.

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Yes, of course you are. ..Right, see you tomorrow.

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-Who's the lucky fella?

-I don't want to miss my bus.

-Come on, who is he?

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I wasn't planning on telling you tonight, but you may as well know.

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-I'm going on a date with a woman.

-I see! Girls' night out, is it?

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Look, Daffyd, I'll make no bones about it.

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-I've actually been seeing this girl for a while now.

-What?

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I suppose I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian.

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Ta-ra.

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-Ha... Hang on just a minute!

-What?

-You are not a gay.

-I am.

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-No, I'm the gay in this village.

-Well, I'm gay, too.

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-Bye.

-Let's just talk about this!

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Can we do it later? Rhiannon's waiting for me!

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Rhiannon? Rhiannon? And how far have you gone with this Rhiannon?

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Just a bit of fanny fun.

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Can I have a large brandy, please, Miss Fitzwilliams?

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Look, Daffyd, I gotta go. Only Rhiannon's minge will get cold.

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-There you go, Daffyd.

-Oh, thank you. So, did you know Myfanwy is a gay?

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Not until she joined my lesbian pottery class, no.

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When it comes to getting ready to go out,

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women in Britain take on average six months longer than men.

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At this house in Quimby, woman Helen is finally ready.

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-Shh! He's sleeping.

-We'll be late.

-OK. The baby-sitter isn't here yet.

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-Is it Saskia?

-She wasn't available. The agency's sending somebody else. Are these shoes OK?

-They're fine.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, at last.

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-Are you the baby-sitter?

-Baby-sitter, yes.

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-Have you done this before?

-Yes, I sit baby real good.

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Bring her in.

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Oh. Hello. I'm Peter.

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Ah, Peter!

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That was my mother's name.

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And you've, er... you've met my wife Helen.

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Ah, Helen! That was not my mother's name.

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Actually, I don't feel very well.

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-This is important! Everyone from the office will be there.

-Important, office, huh?

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-All right.

-Harvey's over here. He's fine now. Any problems, our mobile numbers are on the table.

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I will make sure nothing happens to your baby! I swear on your life!

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-Oh, thank you.

-If anybody tries to hurt him...

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-BOTH: We won't be long!

-Shh!

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Is nothing. You go, you go. Enjoy.

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HE GRUNTS

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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-Hello?

-Your baby is fine.

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-Thank you.

-If anything happens, I will phone you immediately.

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-Thank you. Well...

-PHONE RINGS AGAIN

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-Hello?

-Your baby is fine.

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Give me the ball! Go and stand over there!

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Back at one of her old schools, reformed character Vicky Pollard has been asked to give a speech.

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Now, for today's General Studies, I've invited someone along who used to be a pupil at this school.

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Her name is Vicky Pollard, some of you may remember her.

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(I said sorry!)

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I'm sure Vicky won't mind me saying that she used to be a bit of a tearaway.

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She got caught shoplifting, was sent to a young offenders' institution,

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became pregnant at 14, and had the baby taken into care.

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But she's turned her life around.

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She's now got a job at Boots, a flat, and is taking a part-time course in... ..What is it?

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-Reading.

-Reading.

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And she's here today to tell us a little bit about her experiences.

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So, um... All right. Over to you, Vicky.

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"Shut up. I ain't done nothing.

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"And if anyone says I did, they get beatings."

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Right, thanks, um... Has anybody got any questions they want to ask? ..Jordan?

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-What'd you nick?

-Shut up! I never nicked nuffin apart from one fing!

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One fing and a few other fings! Did you speak to Wayne Duggan?!

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Wayne Duggan bunked off PE and took a slash all over Elliot Nathan's brand-new Adidas bag!

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Now Elliot Nathan is gonna tell all of Year Nine that Wayne Duggan sniffs highlighter pens!

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OK. Let's have another one.

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-Harmony?

-Have you got a criminal record?

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Yeah, but you just lie! Misha says her dad killed a man, but he said he never!

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-Now he's got this good job putting the jam in Jammy Dodgers.

-OK...

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-One more. ..Dean?

-What's borstal like?

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Brilliant! It's better than school, cos there's no lessons or homework!

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There's people getting beaten up and once a girl got locked in the fridge and nearly died!

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Thanks, Vicky, there's a lot for us to think about there, and how we can apply it all to our own lives.

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-Oh, Kelly, did you have a question?

-Did you get that Tommy for me?

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-Anyone else wants anything nicked, let me know.

-Thanks a lot, Vicky.

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-What?

-You can go.

-Thank you.

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-Your baby?

-Huh?

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It's OK, you can keep it. I've got loads more at home.

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Bonfires in Britain are a great way of getting rid of those things lying around that you don't need any more.

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Only last week, I found an old bonfire I never use and put that on the bonfire.

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-This is the last of the boxes. Now, are you sure you want all this stuff burnt?

-Yeah.

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-Got all your old books and games in here. Are you sure you don't want them?

-Yeah.

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-You want it put on the fire?

-Yeah, burn it up.

-Yeah.

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-Once it's burnt, you can't have it back, you know that?

-Yeah, I know.

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-You want it all burnt?

-Yeah.

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I want me stuff back.

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So, my little friend, what shall we do?

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# Oh-oh!

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# Babooshka! Babooshka! Babooshka-ya-ya!

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# Oh-oh!

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# Babooshka! Babooshka! Babooshka-ya-ya! Oh-oh...! #

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GENTLE SINGING: # Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya... #

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-DOOR OPENS

-Hello?

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Shh! (Baby sleeping.)

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-Oh, how has he been?

-He very hungry.

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-What did you give him?

-Meat.

-What kind of meat?

-Good meat.

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-Did you give him any milk?

-Yes, he very thirsty baby.

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-Aw! There was milk in the fridge, did you find that all right?

-No, I use my own.

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Right. Did you...? Did you have to change him?

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No, is same baby.

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Right, well, we were gone, what, about three hours, so is £15 OK?

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Oh...

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Thank you, thank you! £15!

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Where I come from, you have to baby-sit three hours to earn £15. I'll send it home to my mother!

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-Oh, that's good.

-It is not good.

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-(She's dead.)

-Oh.

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-Well, it's getting rather late, I imagine you'll want to be getting back.

-Yes.

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If ever you need baby-sitter and Boris is not available,

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-please remember, I have brother Josef.

-Oh, yes?

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He is a very bad man.

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But he wants to be good in his heart, uh.

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-Well, we'll bear that in mind.

-Remember him!

-We will, we will!

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DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES >

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-Hello, Harvey.

-Oh, I think he's going to say something.

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BABY VOICE: Comrade Stalin salutes you!

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BELL RINGS At Kelsey Grammar School in Flange, it is break time.

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BELL RINGS

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Sit.

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Yesterday's test did not make for happy reading!

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Meacher! The answer to question two was Golden Wonder, not KP!

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Philips, how many times do you need to be told?

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Red for ready salted, blue for salt'n'vinegar!

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Patel, the two variables on the graph were pickled onion and prawn cocktail.

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Wilson, you could have had Cheese'n'Owen or Smoky Beckham.

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There is no such flavour as Prawn Collymore!

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Papathasaniou, Monster Munch is maize-based. This was all covered in the first term.

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(I put maize.)

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Frazzles, Denton, not Quavers. They look like rashers, for Pete's sake! The clue is in the bag.

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Nash, you got 95%. Well done. I particularly enjoyed your diagram of a Wotsit.

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Irving, number five was oxbow lakes. Otherwise good.

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-Where is Irving?

-He's having his tonsils out, sir.

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And finally, Palfrey, best before?

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-ALL: See base of pack.

-Hmm.

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Weather-wise, the best time to visit Scotland

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is Tuesday the 12th June, around 2.30. THUNDER RUMBLES

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Mr McCooney, you have tax payments overdue of nearly £20,000.

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-Can you give us a cheque today?

-Maybe I can and maybe I can't.

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HE PLAYS AN EERIE TUNE

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We've had all of this last year. You've got to take this seriously.

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-Ye-e-es!

-Can you give us the cheque today?

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HE PLAYS THE THEME TO "Dad's Army"

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That's not the answer I'm looking for.

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HE PLAYS THE THEME TO "Last Of The Summer Wine"

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You'd help yourself a lot more if you gave us some straight answers.

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Your form here is incomplete. "Gross income - yes. Net income - yes."

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No, it's not, "Yes," it's "Ye-e-e-es!"

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-You can't just put down, "Ye-e-es!" You do know that, don't you?

-Yes.

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-So, can you pay us today?

-What if I were to offer you...

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six magic beans?

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Probably wouldn't be interested.

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-SEVEN magic beans?

-Nope.

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How about...a talking noisy box?

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Inside, there are tiny sprites a-talkin' to you.

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-But they cannae hear ye, mind, unless they do a phone-in.

-No.

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You want the piccolilo, don't you?

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You'll never take it! Never! Oh!

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-Have it and be gone!

-I tell you what, Mr McCooney.

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-Why don't you take your quill...?

-Ye-e-es?

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-..and your magic money paper?

-Ye-e-es!

-Put your mark upon it.

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-Ye-e-es.

-We'll do the rest.

-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

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-Good day.

-Fare thee well, keepers of the purse!

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HE PLAYS A MERRY TUNE MUSIC TRAILS OFF

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Shit!

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Country house, blah, blah, blah. Novelist, blah, blah, blah.

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Cue the rude topiary.

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Make sure you get every word, Miss Grace.

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'There's a tailback stretching a mile and a half, so avoid like the plague.

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-'The Dartford Tunnel jam-packed as usual...'

-Said James.

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'..at twenty past. In the meantime, remember this?'

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MUSIC: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham

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# You do the jitterbug!

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# You do the jitterbug!

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# You do the jitterbug!

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-# You put the boom-boom... #

-Said Lady Asquith.

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It's all change at the community centre.

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One group has finished their weekly meeting, whilst another begins.

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FatFighters meets once a week.

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Those in attendance have managed to stop eating for an hour to talk about food.

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The greedy fuckers!

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..or just some low-fat cottage cheese if you're a vege-lesbian.

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Before we go any further, I want to introduce you to a new face!

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She is a new face. She is in fact from FatFighters' head office.

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Now her name is Mrs Harrison. Mrs Harrison has come here

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to check I run the meetings OK, so you can tell her I'm brilliant!

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-Did someone make a complaint or...?

-It could be one complaint, it could be a series of complaints.

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Oh. Who was it? Was it him? ..You can't say, you can't say.

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Was it her? Was it written in Indian? ..You can't say.

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(Bastards.)

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OK, let's start with the weigh-in.

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-Paul, would you like to...?

-Excuse me, Marjorie.

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-Yes, Mrs Harrison?

-The course leader weighs themselves first.

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No, that's OK, Mrs Harrison, I weighed myself at home to save time - eight stone five.

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What? ..Right.

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Oh, this? Oh, sorry. Right. I'm sorry, I wasn't sure.

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Do I get up, do I?

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-You were 14 stone and 4 pounds.

-Oh! I was big, wasn't I?

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You are...

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..15 stone and 11 pounds.

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Oh! Well, er...

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-You don't let us take shoes off.

-Thanks, Miri. I don't know how you do things in India, but here...!

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-15 stone, 10.

-See?! It's dropping, dropping!

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This jacket's very, very heavy. ..I don't need these.

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-This can go.

-Ooh!

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-15 stone, 8½.

-Oh, this has a lot of underwiring!

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-I think we've seen enough.

-Yeah!

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This isn't easy for me to say, but since you've put on so much weight,

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-I'm afraid I must suspend you for a while.

-You what?!

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Until you've lost weight! It doesn't set a good example.

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-Look who's talking! You're no spring onion!

-We'll discuss this later.

-Let's have it out now!

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-You're making an exhibition of yourself.

-Oh, am I really?

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Well, you can take your FatFighters and you can shove it up your fat arse! That's right! SCREW YOU!

0:19:050:19:12

DOOR SLAMS >

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CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC

0:19:280:19:32

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT ON MOBILE PHONE

0:19:410:19:45

KEYS BEEP AS HE TYPES REPLY

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When I'm old, I hope I have the good manners to throw myself out of the window.

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But some people are selfish and go on living, like this old bitch.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

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-MUSIC STOPS

-Hello, Jason. Gary not with you?

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-No, I don't see so much of Gary these days.

-Oh, that's a shame.

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Well, come in.

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-I, er...brought you some things.

-Oh, thank you.

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Ooh!

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Oh, I like this.

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Nice.

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What's this?

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9½ Weeks.

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Ooh!

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Right, now.

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Oh...

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I-I can't have jelly. I'm diabetic.

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Never mind, this bag will come in useful.

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Why don't you, er, open the ice cream now? It's fun to share.

0:21:140:21:19

Not for me thanks, love, I've just had a nectarine. But you have some.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Oh, that'll be Winnie.

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-I won't be a mo.

-OK.

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Oh, great(!)

0:21:310:21:34

-(I've got somebody with me.)

-Oh.

-And he's a lovely boy.

0:21:340:21:38

He's a friend of Gary's. Winnie, this is Jason.

0:21:380:21:43

Hello, love.

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-PASSIONATELY:

-Hello!

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-Can you see the family resemblance?

-Yeah.

0:21:490:21:53

You never told me you had an older sister.

0:21:530:21:57

Lovely to see you, dear.

0:21:570:22:00

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:22:000:22:03

Fancy a sandwich, Jason?

0:22:050:22:08

Chinese food has been so popular in Britain,

0:22:120:22:16

it has been exported as far afield as China.

0:22:160:22:20

They repeated it last night, it was very funny.

0:22:220:22:25

Mollie came in, shook her brolly, and said her pussy had got all wet!

0:22:250:22:30

-Really?

-It's funny, cos it rained at her wedding and my bridesmaid's outfit got soaked. ..Everybody.

0:22:300:22:36

-This duck's very fatty.

-Hmm.

-D'you think I should send it back?

-Yes.

0:22:380:22:43

-Oh, my word! You'll never guess who's just walked in.

-Who?

0:22:440:22:49

-Mollie Sugden!

-Don't be silly, Clive.

0:22:490:22:52

Yeah, that's definitely her!

0:22:520:22:55

-Go and say hello!

-No, Clive. She doesn't want to be bothered.

0:22:560:23:01

-You were her bridesmaid! Of course she'll want to be bothered!

-No!

0:23:010:23:05

-OK!

-Let's go somewhere else. I don't like it here.

0:23:050:23:09

Have you seen who's just come in? Your friend, Mollie Sugden.

0:23:090:23:14

-You haven't seen her for years! I'll bring her over.

-Clive!

0:23:140:23:18

-Excuse me, er... Mrs Sugden?

-Yes?

-I'm so sorry to bother you.

0:23:180:23:23

I thought you might like to know I'm here today with my wife Liz, who used to be Liz Bendall.

0:23:230:23:29

-Sorry?

-Liz Bendall, she was your bridesmaid.

0:23:290:23:33

Well, I don't know anyone called Liz. My friend Helen

0:23:330:23:38

-was the only bridesmaid at...

-WHACK!

0:23:380:23:42

Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is having an urgent meeting with his Italian counterpart.

0:23:500:23:57

I actually lived in Italy for a few years, while I was Pope.

0:23:570:24:01

-And, Prime Minister, I believe that...

-Il noministro...

0:24:020:24:06

-..a special bond between our two nations...

-HE TRANSLATES

0:24:060:24:12

-..can only grow stronger in this difficult time.

-TRANSLATION CONTINUES

0:24:120:24:17

This evening, I will be having talks with the President of France, whom I believe...

0:24:170:24:22

Hiya!

0:24:220:24:24

-Sebastian...

-Sebastian.

0:24:240:24:26

I'm in a very important meeting. Can't it wait?

0:24:260:24:30

No, it can't! What's this about you going to China? We have a meeting!

0:24:300:24:35

-TRANSLATION CONTINUES

-It's an important international matter.

0:24:350:24:40

-The meeting about your agricultural report will have to wait.

-I had my hair done and everything!

0:24:400:24:45

HE TRANSLATES

0:24:450:24:48

-Sebastian... Sebastian, please.

-Sebastian, per favore...

0:24:490:24:54

You use me when you want, Michael, then you just throw me away! HE TRANSLATES

0:24:540:25:00

Can you please... stop translating this?!

0:25:000:25:04

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

0:25:040:25:07

Thank you.

0:25:070:25:09

-Come here.

-Don't touch me!

-I could do without the hysterics.

-Am I being hysterical?!

-Shh!

0:25:130:25:19

No! I think Prime Minister Carluccio should know what you're really like.

0:25:190:25:24

-The meeting tomorrow is off.

-Well, I've got other plans now anyway.

-Oh, have you?

0:25:240:25:29

Yeah, the leader of the opposition has invited me for tea. Think about that when you're on your plane!

0:25:290:25:36

-Goodbye, Sebastian.

-Whatever. Goodbye, Mr Italian Prime Minister!

-Ciao.

-Oh, ciao.

0:25:360:25:43

-Ciao.

-Get out!

0:25:430:25:45

-Sorry about that.

-Dolente.

0:25:490:25:52

-HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

-What did he say?

0:25:560:26:00

The Prime Minister say, "If you love him, go after him."

0:26:000:26:04

At this really SUPERmarket in Herby,

0:26:080:26:11

Lou's taking Andy on his weekly shop.

0:26:110:26:14

Now, which soup do you want for your tea?

0:26:140:26:18

That one.

0:26:180:26:20

-That one?

-Yeah.

0:26:200:26:23

-That's whole sweet red peppers.

-Yeah, I know.

0:26:230:26:26

I'll get you cream of tomato. You like cream of tomato, don't you?

0:26:260:26:31

Here! What are you doing?!

0:26:330:26:36

Robbing.

0:26:360:26:37

-It's very wrong to steal, you do know that, don't you?

-Yeah, I know.

-Well, put that back, then!

0:26:370:26:43

I am very disappointed in you, Andy Pipkin.

0:26:440:26:48

-I don't want to see you do anything like that again! D'you hear?

-Sorry.

0:26:480:26:53

Right.

0:26:530:26:55

Now, we're all out of beans.

0:26:550:26:57

I could get you the normal ones or the ones with the chipolatas in.

0:26:570:27:02

Ooh! They're doing a special offer on Alphabetti Spaghetti.

0:27:030:27:08

Andy?

0:27:140:27:17

Andy?!

0:27:190:27:20

Andy?

0:27:210:27:23

-What's the record?

-16.

0:27:260:27:28

We haven't got any more seats.

0:27:280:27:31

-There's probably room for one more small one.

-Ian.

0:27:310:27:35

CAR HORN BEEPS

0:27:370:27:40

It's no use, I've got to get out. ..Come on, I can't breathe.

0:27:450:27:50

And so, this remarkable series draws to a close.

0:27:500:27:54

I think it's fair to say

0:27:540:27:57

that this has been arguably the finest programme ever broadcast,

0:27:570:28:01

and that I am some kind of god, who should be worshipped as such.

0:28:010:28:06

Next week, Coupling or something. Goodbibe!

0:28:060:28:10

Matt Lucas and David Walliams take a comic look at life in Britain. Sebastian helps out with an important visit from the Italian Prime Minister, and Vicky Pollard goes back to school.