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Brighton, Brighton, Brigh... Oh!
Britain, Britain, Britain! Birthplace of William Shakespeare,
Mahatma Gandhi and Big Bird!
But what of the ordinary people of Britain?
What about them and all their stuff?
We aim to find out in what I promise is the final episode of this series!
This programme contains some strong language.
Transvestism in Britain is as popular today as it has always been.
I'm currently wearing a lovely dress that used to belong to my father.
-You in the skirt.
-Could you give me a push?
-But I'm a lady!
-Ladies don't push!
-Oh, go on, pal.
-All right, then. A little lady's push.
LIGHT PANTING ENGINE STRUGGLES
-Could you push harder?
-It sounds like you've flooded the engine.
-Oh, have I?
-Being a lady, I wouldn't really know, but it sounds like you've had the choke out too long.
-Oui, oui. Ouvrez le bonnet.
-Yeah, you've a faulty connection with your starter motor.
-Try it now.
-ENGINE STARTS Oh, thanks.
-Pleasure's all mine.
You certainly know your stuff.
-I grew up with three brothers, so I suppose I am a bit of a tomboy!
-Yeah, I bet you are.
It's 20 to Toby, and we're in Wales,
which is, apparently, a part of Britain.
It says in here Boy George is a gay!
Can I have another Bacardi and Coke, Myfanwy?
Can Miss Fitzwilliams get it? I'm leaving now.
-Oh, yes, where are you going?
-Well... I got a date, see.
Oh, I'd love to go on a date, but I can't as I'm the only gay in the village.
Yes, of course you are. ..Right, see you tomorrow.
-Who's the lucky fella?
-I don't want to miss my bus.
-Come on, who is he?
I wasn't planning on telling you tonight, but you may as well know.
-I'm going on a date with a woman.
-I see! Girls' night out, is it?
Look, Daffyd, I'll make no bones about it.
-I've actually been seeing this girl for a while now.
I suppose I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian.
-Ha... Hang on just a minute!
-You are not a gay.
-No, I'm the gay in this village.
-Well, I'm gay, too.
-Let's just talk about this!
Can we do it later? Rhiannon's waiting for me!
Rhiannon? Rhiannon? And how far have you gone with this Rhiannon?
Just a bit of fanny fun.
Can I have a large brandy, please, Miss Fitzwilliams?
Look, Daffyd, I gotta go. Only Rhiannon's minge will get cold.
-There you go, Daffyd.
-Oh, thank you. So, did you know Myfanwy is a gay?
Not until she joined my lesbian pottery class, no.
When it comes to getting ready to go out,
women in Britain take on average six months longer than men.
At this house in Quimby, woman Helen is finally ready.
-Shh! He's sleeping.
-We'll be late.
-OK. The baby-sitter isn't here yet.
-Is it Saskia?
-She wasn't available. The agency's sending somebody else. Are these shoes OK?
-Oh, at last.
-Are you the baby-sitter?
-Have you done this before?
-Yes, I sit baby real good.
Bring her in.
Oh. Hello. I'm Peter.
That was my mother's name.
And you've, er... you've met my wife Helen.
Ah, Helen! That was not my mother's name.
Actually, I don't feel very well.
-This is important! Everyone from the office will be there.
-Important, office, huh?
-Harvey's over here. He's fine now. Any problems, our mobile numbers are on the table.
I will make sure nothing happens to your baby! I swear on your life!
-Oh, thank you.
-If anybody tries to hurt him...
-BOTH: We won't be long!
Is nothing. You go, you go. Enjoy.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
-Your baby is fine.
-If anything happens, I will phone you immediately.
-Thank you. Well...
-PHONE RINGS AGAIN
-Your baby is fine.
Give me the ball! Go and stand over there!
Back at one of her old schools, reformed character Vicky Pollard has been asked to give a speech.
Now, for today's General Studies, I've invited someone along who used to be a pupil at this school.
Her name is Vicky Pollard, some of you may remember her.
(I said sorry!)
I'm sure Vicky won't mind me saying that she used to be a bit of a tearaway.
She got caught shoplifting, was sent to a young offenders' institution,
became pregnant at 14, and had the baby taken into care.
But she's turned her life around.
She's now got a job at Boots, a flat, and is taking a part-time course in... ..What is it?
And she's here today to tell us a little bit about her experiences.
So, um... All right. Over to you, Vicky.
"Shut up. I ain't done nothing.
"And if anyone says I did, they get beatings."
Right, thanks, um... Has anybody got any questions they want to ask? ..Jordan?
-What'd you nick?
-Shut up! I never nicked nuffin apart from one fing!
One fing and a few other fings! Did you speak to Wayne Duggan?!
Wayne Duggan bunked off PE and took a slash all over Elliot Nathan's brand-new Adidas bag!
Now Elliot Nathan is gonna tell all of Year Nine that Wayne Duggan sniffs highlighter pens!
OK. Let's have another one.
-Have you got a criminal record?
Yeah, but you just lie! Misha says her dad killed a man, but he said he never!
-Now he's got this good job putting the jam in Jammy Dodgers.
-One more. ..Dean?
-What's borstal like?
Brilliant! It's better than school, cos there's no lessons or homework!
There's people getting beaten up and once a girl got locked in the fridge and nearly died!
Thanks, Vicky, there's a lot for us to think about there, and how we can apply it all to our own lives.
-Oh, Kelly, did you have a question?
-Did you get that Tommy for me?
-Anyone else wants anything nicked, let me know.
-Thanks a lot, Vicky.
-You can go.
It's OK, you can keep it. I've got loads more at home.
Bonfires in Britain are a great way of getting rid of those things lying around that you don't need any more.
Only last week, I found an old bonfire I never use and put that on the bonfire.
-This is the last of the boxes. Now, are you sure you want all this stuff burnt?
-Got all your old books and games in here. Are you sure you don't want them?
-You want it put on the fire?
-Yeah, burn it up.
-Once it's burnt, you can't have it back, you know that?
-Yeah, I know.
-You want it all burnt?
I want me stuff back.
So, my little friend, what shall we do?
# Babooshka! Babooshka! Babooshka-ya-ya!
# Babooshka! Babooshka! Babooshka-ya-ya! Oh-oh...! #
GENTLE SINGING: # Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya... #
Shh! (Baby sleeping.)
-Oh, how has he been?
-He very hungry.
-What did you give him?
-What kind of meat?
-Did you give him any milk?
-Yes, he very thirsty baby.
-Aw! There was milk in the fridge, did you find that all right?
-No, I use my own.
Right. Did you...? Did you have to change him?
No, is same baby.
Right, well, we were gone, what, about three hours, so is £15 OK?
Thank you, thank you! £15!
Where I come from, you have to baby-sit three hours to earn £15. I'll send it home to my mother!
-Oh, that's good.
-It is not good.
-Well, it's getting rather late, I imagine you'll want to be getting back.
If ever you need baby-sitter and Boris is not available,
-please remember, I have brother Josef.
He is a very bad man.
But he wants to be good in his heart, uh.
-Well, we'll bear that in mind.
-We will, we will!
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES >
-Oh, I think he's going to say something.
BABY VOICE: Comrade Stalin salutes you!
BELL RINGS At Kelsey Grammar School in Flange, it is break time.
Yesterday's test did not make for happy reading!
Meacher! The answer to question two was Golden Wonder, not KP!
Philips, how many times do you need to be told?
Red for ready salted, blue for salt'n'vinegar!
Patel, the two variables on the graph were pickled onion and prawn cocktail.
Wilson, you could have had Cheese'n'Owen or Smoky Beckham.
There is no such flavour as Prawn Collymore!
Papathasaniou, Monster Munch is maize-based. This was all covered in the first term.
(I put maize.)
Frazzles, Denton, not Quavers. They look like rashers, for Pete's sake! The clue is in the bag.
Nash, you got 95%. Well done. I particularly enjoyed your diagram of a Wotsit.
Irving, number five was oxbow lakes. Otherwise good.
-Where is Irving?
-He's having his tonsils out, sir.
And finally, Palfrey, best before?
-ALL: See base of pack.
Weather-wise, the best time to visit Scotland
is Tuesday the 12th June, around 2.30. THUNDER RUMBLES
Mr McCooney, you have tax payments overdue of nearly £20,000.
-Can you give us a cheque today?
-Maybe I can and maybe I can't.
HE PLAYS AN EERIE TUNE
We've had all of this last year. You've got to take this seriously.
-Can you give us the cheque today?
HE PLAYS THE THEME TO "Dad's Army"
That's not the answer I'm looking for.
HE PLAYS THE THEME TO "Last Of The Summer Wine"
You'd help yourself a lot more if you gave us some straight answers.
Your form here is incomplete. "Gross income - yes. Net income - yes."
No, it's not, "Yes," it's "Ye-e-e-es!"
-You can't just put down, "Ye-e-es!" You do know that, don't you?
-So, can you pay us today?
-What if I were to offer you...
six magic beans?
Probably wouldn't be interested.
-SEVEN magic beans?
How about...a talking noisy box?
Inside, there are tiny sprites a-talkin' to you.
-But they cannae hear ye, mind, unless they do a phone-in.
You want the piccolilo, don't you?
You'll never take it! Never! Oh!
-Have it and be gone!
-I tell you what, Mr McCooney.
-Why don't you take your quill...?
-..and your magic money paper?
-Put your mark upon it.
-We'll do the rest.
-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
-Fare thee well, keepers of the purse!
HE PLAYS A MERRY TUNE MUSIC TRAILS OFF
Country house, blah, blah, blah. Novelist, blah, blah, blah.
Cue the rude topiary.
Make sure you get every word, Miss Grace.
'There's a tailback stretching a mile and a half, so avoid like the plague.
-'The Dartford Tunnel jam-packed as usual...'
'..at twenty past. In the meantime, remember this?'
MUSIC: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham
# You do the jitterbug!
# You do the jitterbug!
# You do the jitterbug!
-# You put the boom-boom... #
-Said Lady Asquith.
It's all change at the community centre.
One group has finished their weekly meeting, whilst another begins.
FatFighters meets once a week.
Those in attendance have managed to stop eating for an hour to talk about food.
The greedy fuckers!
..or just some low-fat cottage cheese if you're a vege-lesbian.
Before we go any further, I want to introduce you to a new face!
She is a new face. She is in fact from FatFighters' head office.
Now her name is Mrs Harrison. Mrs Harrison has come here
to check I run the meetings OK, so you can tell her I'm brilliant!
-Did someone make a complaint or...?
-It could be one complaint, it could be a series of complaints.
Oh. Who was it? Was it him? ..You can't say, you can't say.
Was it her? Was it written in Indian? ..You can't say.
OK, let's start with the weigh-in.
-Paul, would you like to...?
-Excuse me, Marjorie.
-Yes, Mrs Harrison?
-The course leader weighs themselves first.
No, that's OK, Mrs Harrison, I weighed myself at home to save time - eight stone five.
Oh, this? Oh, sorry. Right. I'm sorry, I wasn't sure.
Do I get up, do I?
-You were 14 stone and 4 pounds.
-Oh! I was big, wasn't I?
..15 stone and 11 pounds.
Oh! Well, er...
-You don't let us take shoes off.
-Thanks, Miri. I don't know how you do things in India, but here...!
-15 stone, 10.
-See?! It's dropping, dropping!
This jacket's very, very heavy. ..I don't need these.
-This can go.
-15 stone, 8½.
-Oh, this has a lot of underwiring!
-I think we've seen enough.
This isn't easy for me to say, but since you've put on so much weight,
-I'm afraid I must suspend you for a while.
Until you've lost weight! It doesn't set a good example.
-Look who's talking! You're no spring onion!
-We'll discuss this later.
-Let's have it out now!
-You're making an exhibition of yourself.
-Oh, am I really?
Well, you can take your FatFighters and you can shove it up your fat arse! That's right! SCREW YOU!
DOOR SLAMS >
CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC
TEXT MESSAGE ALERT ON MOBILE PHONE
KEYS BEEP AS HE TYPES REPLY
When I'm old, I hope I have the good manners to throw myself out of the window.
But some people are selfish and go on living, like this old bitch.
ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
-Hello, Jason. Gary not with you?
-No, I don't see so much of Gary these days.
-Oh, that's a shame.
Well, come in.
-I, er...brought you some things.
-Oh, thank you.
Oh, I like this.
I-I can't have jelly. I'm diabetic.
Never mind, this bag will come in useful.
Why don't you, er, open the ice cream now? It's fun to share.
Not for me thanks, love, I've just had a nectarine. But you have some.
Oh, that'll be Winnie.
-I won't be a mo.
-(I've got somebody with me.)
-And he's a lovely boy.
He's a friend of Gary's. Winnie, this is Jason.
-Can you see the family resemblance?
You never told me you had an older sister.
Lovely to see you, dear.
ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
Fancy a sandwich, Jason?
Chinese food has been so popular in Britain,
it has been exported as far afield as China.
They repeated it last night, it was very funny.
Mollie came in, shook her brolly, and said her pussy had got all wet!
-It's funny, cos it rained at her wedding and my bridesmaid's outfit got soaked. ..Everybody.
-This duck's very fatty.
-D'you think I should send it back?
-Oh, my word! You'll never guess who's just walked in.
-Don't be silly, Clive.
Yeah, that's definitely her!
-Go and say hello!
-No, Clive. She doesn't want to be bothered.
-You were her bridesmaid! Of course she'll want to be bothered!
-Let's go somewhere else. I don't like it here.
Have you seen who's just come in? Your friend, Mollie Sugden.
-You haven't seen her for years! I'll bring her over.
-Excuse me, er... Mrs Sugden?
-I'm so sorry to bother you.
I thought you might like to know I'm here today with my wife Liz, who used to be Liz Bendall.
-Liz Bendall, she was your bridesmaid.
Well, I don't know anyone called Liz. My friend Helen
-was the only bridesmaid at...
Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is having an urgent meeting with his Italian counterpart.
I actually lived in Italy for a few years, while I was Pope.
-And, Prime Minister, I believe that...
-..a special bond between our two nations...
-..can only grow stronger in this difficult time.
This evening, I will be having talks with the President of France, whom I believe...
I'm in a very important meeting. Can't it wait?
No, it can't! What's this about you going to China? We have a meeting!
-It's an important international matter.
-The meeting about your agricultural report will have to wait.
-I had my hair done and everything!
-Sebastian... Sebastian, please.
-Sebastian, per favore...
You use me when you want, Michael, then you just throw me away! HE TRANSLATES
Can you please... stop translating this?!
HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
-Don't touch me!
-I could do without the hysterics.
-Am I being hysterical?!
No! I think Prime Minister Carluccio should know what you're really like.
-The meeting tomorrow is off.
-Well, I've got other plans now anyway.
-Oh, have you?
Yeah, the leader of the opposition has invited me for tea. Think about that when you're on your plane!
-Whatever. Goodbye, Mr Italian Prime Minister!
-Sorry about that.
-HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
-What did he say?
The Prime Minister say, "If you love him, go after him."
At this really SUPERmarket in Herby,
Lou's taking Andy on his weekly shop.
Now, which soup do you want for your tea?
-That's whole sweet red peppers.
-Yeah, I know.
I'll get you cream of tomato. You like cream of tomato, don't you?
Here! What are you doing?!
-It's very wrong to steal, you do know that, don't you?
-Yeah, I know.
-Well, put that back, then!
I am very disappointed in you, Andy Pipkin.
-I don't want to see you do anything like that again! D'you hear?
Now, we're all out of beans.
I could get you the normal ones or the ones with the chipolatas in.
Ooh! They're doing a special offer on Alphabetti Spaghetti.
-What's the record?
We haven't got any more seats.
-There's probably room for one more small one.
CAR HORN BEEPS
It's no use, I've got to get out. ..Come on, I can't breathe.
And so, this remarkable series draws to a close.
I think it's fair to say
that this has been arguably the finest programme ever broadcast,
and that I am some kind of god, who should be worshipped as such.
Next week, Coupling or something. Goodbibe!