Episode 1 Little Britain

This programme contains adult humour.

Britain, Britain, Britain.

Opened by the Queen in 1972.

Britain attracts hundreds of visitors.

But why? Not just to discover how chicken nuggets should really taste

or to take part in the great British tradition of dogging. No!

They come to meet the people of Britain.

And it is them what we now here look at now today. Let's rock!

Vicki Pollard is well-known in her local supermarket

and is on first name terms with most of the security staff.

-What you looking at, pervert?

-You got to put the pick'n'mix in a bag.

God, you're so racist!

All right now?

-Are you going to pay for those?

-No, but, yeah, but, no, because I was

just about to do it if you had waited. God this is so unfair!

This is like being back at borstal.

If anyone's nicked anything it's Michelle Pope cos she got her hand

stuck up the chocolate machine and when I tried to cut it off

she completely had an eppy and said I was educationally subnormal.

-But she's done it with an Alsatian.

-OK. I think it's time to go now.

I hate this shop because Bethany got a Saturday job

and someone found a dead rat in the chocolate raisins and they came back

and said "Have you got any of those chocolate rats."

It's true. I swear on Duncan out of Blue's life. ALARM BLEEPS

Can you come back in please?

Oh my God! This is well harassment! ALARM BLEEPS AGAIN

-Lift up your arms.

-You only do this because you're in love with me.

See! Totally innocent.

I am a innocent!

-What's this?

-I bought it earlier.

SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS

-Morning! Afternoon!

-Hello.

These men are transvestites and prefer to dress as ladies.

I myself am happy in all clothing

as I was born without genitals.

Morning. Two ladies on a bicyclette, that is all. Pay no heed.

Now, Florence, my dear, remember we are two ladies taking afternoon tea.

-Yes, Emily.

-I know this is all very new to you

but the trick is not to draw attention to yourself.

-Two ladies for tea, please!

-Yes, of course. This way.

-Ladies first!

-I am also a lady.

-Oh yes!

-Here we are.

-Florence, do take a seat.

-No, after you, Emily.

-Florence, I insist.

-Emily, please.

We're both ladies. Who sits first?

-Oh! Ha-ha.

-Oh, ha-ha!

-Oh!

-Ha-ha ha-ha

-Oh...

-IN A MAN'S VOICE:

-Sit down!

-Merci!

-Thank you!

Oh! Florence, regardez le menu.

So many delicious foods and drinks that a lady might enjoy.

It all looks nice doesn't it, lady friend? I don't know what to have.

Will you be having cake?

If they have a ladies cake then yes. But only if - we are ladies.

-Oh yes! We are most definitely two of them, yes!

-Beautiful ladies!

Why don't you order for both of us? I'm off to powder my nose.

-Other door! Ha-ha-ha!

-Oh yes! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

And don't forget to sit down when you piss.

At this health spa in Trump the manager wants a word with a guest.

-Mrs De Vere. Sorry, Mrs De Vere...?

-Call me Bubbles. Everybody does.

-Can I have a word?

-Can we walk and talk? I have an allergy wrap.

It's about this payment situation. You've been with us for five months

-and we haven't received anything.

-Has my husband not sent the cheque?

-We can't track him down.

-Haven't tried him on the Monte Carlo number?

-I don't have it?

-Have you a pen, darling?

-Um, yeah.

-The number is...

12 345 6789. OK, darling?

Mrs De Vere? Mrs De Vere?

Hello, Gita. My turn now, darling.

-No, Mrs De Vere. You're next door.

-Oh. Sorry. See you at dinner.

Never let this girl go. What she does with grape nuts is pure poetry.

We need to resolve this now.

Very well, Mr Hutton. Then we shall resolve it.

Are you a married man, Mr Hutton?

-Yes, I am.

-Yet you allow yourself

to be alone in a room with a rather beautiful woman.

That's dangerous, don't you think?

I just really need the cheque.

Very clever, darling.

SEXY MUSIC PLAYS

I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement, Mr Hutton.

It is a quarter to half past five

and Lou is taking Andy back home from the shops.

You've got a lovely tan on you. Where have you been?

No! no! Terribly sorry.

'Bruce's Price Is Right.'

-Did you enjoy that?

-All right.

-Oh.

-Oh look! It's your favourite, The Price Is Right.

-Yeah, I know.

'It's always nice to meet the stars of our show, whoever you are.'

I'll get started on the washing-up.

'Ellen Hunt, come on down!

'Acshai Fephoria, come on down!

'Andy Pitkin, come on down!

-'You are the first four contestants on The Price Is Right.'

-Hello.

One thing this country does better than all the others is fetes.

It's the fete capital of the world.

That's cakes done. Now, what's next, Judy?

-It's Maggie's jams.

-Jams? Jolly good. Thank you, Judy.

Now, what's this? Plum.

Not my favourite conserve, Judy.

-Or mine, Mary.

-But we soldier on.

Mmm. That's not bad for a plum.

It's rather good. Who made this?

-Emma Shepherd.

-Who?

-The one who ran off with the schoolmistress.

SHE GAGS

-Are you all right, Maggie?

-No more lesbian jam. I can't keep it down.

-So sorry, Maggie. I'll, er, I'll make a note.

-Yes.

I'm assuming this is raspberry. It's not properly labelled.

Thank you.

Mmm. Not unpleasant. Who made this?

-Sarah Tenant.

-Remind me.

-Sarah Tenant. The one who's married to the man who's...(black).

-Sorry?

-Who married someone who's...(black).

-She did what?

She married a black man. SHE GAGS

Judy, you could have warned me.

-I'm so sorry, Maggie. Do you want to carry on?

-Yes.

Yes. We've got to get this done.

Well next, Maggie, we have breakfast marmalade.

Ah. Mmm. Mmm. Very nice.

Quite tangy. Put down tangy.

-Tangy.

-Very nice. Who made this?

Sanjana Patel.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Right. That's jams done. Next, pastries.

In the small mining village of Llanddewi-Brefi lies the home

of homosexual gay Dafyd Thomas.

Morning, Dafyd.

Gay rights now!

-There was a bucket stole in the village.

-It's a crimewave.

-Mum. Da.

-Morning son.

-Morning son.

I've something important to say.

Put your paper down, Dad. What do you want to say?

You know I haven't really had any girlfriends.

What about the girl from the abattoir?

Yes, that was just a phase.

What about the girl with the lazy eye? You were quite taken with her.

Again, the folly of youth. No. What I have to tell you is that I am...

Asthmatic?

No. I am...

a gay. Oh!

-That's nice, dear.

-Good for you, lad. It says here

-that the bucket had a chrome handle.

-Oh.

-So you don't mind?

-No!

-You won't disown me or cast me asunder?

-Hey? Oh, no.

To be honest, love, we did have an inkling.

-You got a boyfriend then?

-No.

Have you not had any arse action at all?

No. But I have been thinking about it, which may shock you.

-I'll have to try and fix you up with someone.

-That won't be easy as I am the only gay in the village.

There's a lad who works down the mine. He takes it up the chuff.

-No, thank you.

-I know who's mad for cock.

He runs the sauna - Gay Aled.

Gay Aled is not gay!

Uncle Glyn's had him. Apparently he's very into watersports.

-Ah. That's nice for them.

-Yeah.

I think we should invite the family round on Sunday.

It's time they knew.

This Sunday's not much good. Uncle Gareth's gone to San Francisco.

Cousin Bryn is going to watch Shirley Bassey.

-What about Auntie Sioned?

-No, she stays in on a Sunday and eats minge.

When I see a fat person, I spit on them as I would a dog

and would encourage you to do the same.

Oh, you've put on 3g. You've been noshing again, haven't you?

Next time you feel peckish, have a bit of dust. Yeah?

Waddle back to your seat.

Those of you who read the Fat Fighters newsletter will be aware

that Fat Fighters has got a new spokesperson.

We're lucky - she's visiting us tonight.

Please give a warm welcome to Vanessa Feltz.

Vanessa!

Vanessa Feltz. Mwah! Mwah! My good friend, Vanessa Feltz from the TV.

Come and sit next to me, Vanessa Feltz.

So, Vanessa Feltz,

you and - I know you won't mind me saying it - you were fat.

We're all friends, we can say it.

-Then you lost it all!

-I was going through a traumatic divorce.

Then you piled it back on. I saw a picture of you in Take A Break.

The last thing you needed.

-That's why I...

-Then you lost it all again!

-Yes, but I...

-What are you doing now? Up or down?

I hope I've reached my optimum weight. It's important to realise when that point comes.

I think you could lose another stone.

OK, fatties, so it's question and answer with Vanessa Feltz.

Who's got a question? Vanessa will not want to answer questions about the divorce

or the time she went a bit loopy on Big Brother.

Don't ask her about Grant Bovey and the chocolate at the wedding.

-That was Anthea Turner.

-I don't think you can blame Anthea for that.

-Vanessa.

-Hi, Amira.

-You must have tried many diets.

What was the worst one?

-Well...

-Couldn't understand a word. Sorry, Vanessa. She's Asian.

I should have warned you. An English person?

-Yes, Pat.

-Hello, Vanessa.

-Hi, Pat.

I must say what an inspiration it is to see larger-frame women like yourself on TV.

-I want to...

-It's a bloody essay.

Was it a struggle for you to get on TV? I'd love to be a TV presenter,

but my size might hold me back.

-Well, it is...

-You?! On TV?!

Don't make me laugh!

Vanessa may be big, but you are something else.

I call her Fat Pat, hey, Vanessa?

Actually, I'm making a new show about dieting and attitudes to food.

I need some larger people to help present. Give me your phone number.

-Thanks!

-Don't worry, Pat. I'll make sure she gets your number. I'd love to be on TV.

Sorry, not after what I've seen today. You're obviously a total cow.

-Anybody else?

-I've got a question, Vanessa Feltz.

Thank you very much, Vanessa Feltz.

Vanessa Feltz.

After money was introduced to Britain in 1997, banks were opened.

So, how much do you want to borrow?

£2,000, please.

Two thousand pounds.

Computer says "No."

Is there nothing we can do?

Right. Well, maybe if I ask to borrow a bit less. £1,500?

Fifteen hundred pounds.

Computer says "No."

Can I have a word with the manager?

-Computer says "No."

-So, there's nothing you can do?

Give me a minute.

(There's a man here, says he wants to borrow £2,000.)

WHISPERS INAUDIBLY

Computer says "No."

Posh people are much better and cleverer than common people

and so they live in nicer houses.

Oh, love's young dream.

Today, Harvey's parents are meeting his girlfriend for this first time.

- It's a lovely house. - It's been in the family for years.

What about you? You work in publishing?

Yes. It's a small house. We mainly do history books.

Battle of Culloden - wonderful. Any books on that?

-What time is dinner, Mummy?

-It will be about another hour.

-But I'm hungry.

-You'll have to wait. So, how did you two meet?

It was through a friend I work with who was at Bristol with Harvey.

-Bitty.

-Not bitty now, bitty later.

-Bitty!

-If you have bitty now, you won't want any supper, will you?

I want bitty.

Come along, then.

-It's all right, Jane. Do carry on.

-Um...

-You were telling us about how you met.

-Oh.

Well, I was at a party and...

..um...we got talking.

I'd seen you before at Simon's 30th but we didn't really speak then.

No, but we sort of...

..noticed each other.

-More wine, anybody?

-Fine, thank you, Daddy.

You are hungry today, aren't you?

-Do you have your own place in London?

-No. My brother and I live at home with our parents.

-Really?

-Yes. We tried to move out, but Mum and Dad don't want us to.

Oh, I think it's terribly important to let go.

HE BURPS

Thank you, Mummy.

Welcome to the family.

It's nought o'clock and at this shop, Mr Man is looking for a date.

I had a date once. It was November 11th.

-Hello.

-Hello. So, how can I help you?

I'm looking for a woman with a name of Linda Williams.

So you're looking for a specific person?

No. Any woman with the name of Linda Williams.

Any particular reason?

I like that name.

-Right.

-It's not my favourite.

-No?

-My favourite name is Catherine Drew.

But at my time of life, you can't afford to be too picky.

Because, as I always say...

Right. OK.

Let's take down some of your particulars.

What age woman are you looking to meet?

Oh, really, anybody between the ages of 38 and 39.

Height?

She should have some height, yes.

Hair?

-I do prefer it.

-No - any particular length?

Oh, anything from here...

to here.

Right.

OK, well... I'll just have a look in the file.

I can't see anyone in here.

One moment.

Margaret! Margaret!

Yes?

A gentlemen wants to know if we have any women named Linda Williams!

-We have a Lindsey Williams.

-We have a Lindsey Williams!

Absolutely no way.

-Absolutely no way.

-Oh.

-Oh.

-There's a Linda Willis.

-Ooh, there's a Linda Willis!

Would she be interested in changing her name?

-Would she change her name?

-I don't know.

-She doesn't know.

-Oh.

-Oh!

Roy! Roy, check the red file. There might be a Linda Williams in there.

Oh!

Oh, yes! How funny.

We have a Linda Williams. She's 38, got shoulder-length hair, pretty.

-Well?

-Well?

Did I mention she should have a glass eye?

Margaret.

Margaret!

Number Ten Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister.

I was asked to be PM but it clashed with a voiceover for Mini Eggs.

Here are the policy documents for the NATO summit, Prime Minister.

Thank you. I'll need one of you to come with me to Bruges this evening,

-in advance of the talks.

-Ooh!

Mm!

Ooh! Mm!

-Ha!

-Gregory, would you like to go?

-I'd be delighted.

-Would you pack my case for me?

-With pleasure.

-But I know where your pants and socks are!

And if you'd make sure the car's ready.

-Yes, Prime Minister.

-"Yes, Prime Minister. No, Prime Minister. Three bags full, Prime Minister!"

BUZZER

-Yep?

-'The leader of the opposition is here, Prime Minister.'

-Thank you.

You don't have a problem with me taking Gregory to the summit, do you?

-No, I'm not bothered. You guys have fun!

-It's just that I...

Don't touch me, please!

KNOCKING

Come in!

Oh, so this would be my office!

-Ha ha!

-Ha ha ha!

-Hi, Mike. How are you?

-Don't get too used to it, Philip!

-My aide, Sebastian Love.

-Oh.

-Hi.

Just need to search you.

OK! Fine.

Sebastian, I don't think that's necessary.

Oooh.

Philip, take a seat.

The press have been very kind to you today.

Yes, the Guardian was pretty positive.

Yes. Gorgeous photo, wasn't it, Michael?

Tea?

-I'm sorry?

-Cup of tea?

-Are you having one?

Don't worry about him! You want one, you have one.

Yes, thanks.

You advising your own piece

to block the reforms I'm putting through?

-So that's why you invited me here!

-I don't...

Finger?

I'm sorry?

Chocolate finger.

No thanks.

Go on, treat yourself!

I like to dunk mine then suck off the chocolate.

Sebastian! Thank you.

I don't see that these reforms need to turn into a party political issue.

-Don't let him bully you!

-That's for me and the shadow cabinet.

-Yeah!

You go for it, girl!

I'd better go. I've an interview with Paxman in a couple of minutes.

-Good luck!

-He had you.

-He did not!

HE MOUTHS

-It's nice to see you, Michael. Good luck with the summit.

-Thanks.

-Are you going, Sebastian?

No, he's taking a black boy.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

I'll text you my number,

yeah?

Yes, thank you.

Right.

Sebastian, that was an extraordinary display.

Ooooh!

Jealous!

DOOR SLAMS

It's half past Tommy, and Judy and Maggie have completed their judging.

Ladies! Thank you so much for judging the jams.

-It was a pleasure, vicar.

-Thank you, vicar.

-Fairy cake?

-Thank you very much!

-Yes, thank you.

These look lovely.

Mmmm! Delicious!

They were made by the people in the homeless shelter.

SHE GRUNTS

Bleeuuuurrrghhh!

Brrrghhhh!

After a morning spent removing all the "K"s from Andy's Alphabetti Spaghetti,

Lou is taking his friend to the park.

-Ooh, don't eat all the bread. Thath for the duckth!

-I know.

-Oy! Einstein!

-Come over 'ere and say that!

-Rithe above it!

-Takin' the mick!

-Juth ignore it.

Someone should give them lot a smack!

-You thaid you were against violenth, that it wath the last bathtion of moral cowardith.

-I know.

Leave it, then. Come on, leth feed the duckth.

Oy! Davros!

Peathful here, innit? Thath why I like it.

Gives you time to think and reflect on your life.

I find the water very calming. I know you do too.

Ethpecially a day like today. Abtholutely magical.

All the troubles in the world float away.

Oh, good, they've gone!

Thee! Rithe above it!

Yeah, I know.

And so it is time to leave Little Britain for another week.

I have been asked to read the names of people who have to go to bed now.

Peter Goodman, Susannah and Robin Fellows,

Kathleen Willetts, Sir Henry Faulkener and Micky.

Good night!

Have you got my inhaler?