Episode 1 Little Britain


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Episode 1

Matt Lucas and David Walliams take a comic look at life in Britain. With Vanessa Feltz, Nigel Havers, Anthony Head, Geraldine James and Ruth Madoc.


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Transcript


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This programme contains adult humour.

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Britain, Britain, Britain.

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Opened by the Queen in 1972.

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Britain attracts hundreds of visitors.

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But why? Not just to discover how chicken nuggets should really taste

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or to take part in the great British tradition of dogging. No!

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They come to meet the people of Britain.

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And it is them what we now here look at now today. Let's rock!

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Vicki Pollard is well-known in her local supermarket

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and is on first name terms with most of the security staff.

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-What you looking at, pervert?

-You got to put the pick'n'mix in a bag.

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God, you're so racist!

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All right now?

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-Are you going to pay for those?

-No, but, yeah, but, no, because I was

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just about to do it if you had waited. God this is so unfair!

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This is like being back at borstal.

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If anyone's nicked anything it's Michelle Pope cos she got her hand

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stuck up the chocolate machine and when I tried to cut it off

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she completely had an eppy and said I was educationally subnormal.

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-But she's done it with an Alsatian.

-OK. I think it's time to go now.

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I hate this shop because Bethany got a Saturday job

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and someone found a dead rat in the chocolate raisins and they came back

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and said "Have you got any of those chocolate rats."

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It's true. I swear on Duncan out of Blue's life. ALARM BLEEPS

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Can you come back in please?

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Oh my God! This is well harassment! ALARM BLEEPS AGAIN

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-Lift up your arms.

-You only do this because you're in love with me.

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See! Totally innocent.

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I am a innocent!

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-What's this?

-I bought it earlier.

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SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS

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-Morning! Afternoon!

-Hello.

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These men are transvestites and prefer to dress as ladies.

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I myself am happy in all clothing

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as I was born without genitals.

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Morning. Two ladies on a bicyclette, that is all. Pay no heed.

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Now, Florence, my dear, remember we are two ladies taking afternoon tea.

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-Yes, Emily.

-I know this is all very new to you

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but the trick is not to draw attention to yourself.

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-Two ladies for tea, please!

-Yes, of course. This way.

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-Ladies first!

-I am also a lady.

-Oh yes!

-Here we are.

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-Florence, do take a seat.

-No, after you, Emily.

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-Florence, I insist.

-Emily, please.

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We're both ladies. Who sits first?

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-Oh! Ha-ha.

-Oh, ha-ha!

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-Oh!

-Ha-ha ha-ha

-Oh...

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-IN A MAN'S VOICE:

-Sit down!

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-Merci!

-Thank you!

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Oh! Florence, regardez le menu.

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So many delicious foods and drinks that a lady might enjoy.

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It all looks nice doesn't it, lady friend? I don't know what to have.

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Will you be having cake?

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If they have a ladies cake then yes. But only if - we are ladies.

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-Oh yes! We are most definitely two of them, yes!

-Beautiful ladies!

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Why don't you order for both of us? I'm off to powder my nose.

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-Other door! Ha-ha-ha!

-Oh yes! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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And don't forget to sit down when you piss.

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At this health spa in Trump the manager wants a word with a guest.

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-Mrs De Vere. Sorry, Mrs De Vere...?

-Call me Bubbles. Everybody does.

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-Can I have a word?

-Can we walk and talk? I have an allergy wrap.

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It's about this payment situation. You've been with us for five months

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-and we haven't received anything.

-Has my husband not sent the cheque?

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-We can't track him down.

-Haven't tried him on the Monte Carlo number?

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-I don't have it?

-Have you a pen, darling?

-Um, yeah.

-The number is...

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12 345 6789. OK, darling?

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Mrs De Vere? Mrs De Vere?

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Hello, Gita. My turn now, darling.

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-No, Mrs De Vere. You're next door.

-Oh. Sorry. See you at dinner.

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Never let this girl go. What she does with grape nuts is pure poetry.

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We need to resolve this now.

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Very well, Mr Hutton. Then we shall resolve it.

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Are you a married man, Mr Hutton?

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-Yes, I am.

-Yet you allow yourself

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to be alone in a room with a rather beautiful woman.

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That's dangerous, don't you think?

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I just really need the cheque.

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Very clever, darling.

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SEXY MUSIC PLAYS

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I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement, Mr Hutton.

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It is a quarter to half past five

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and Lou is taking Andy back home from the shops.

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You've got a lovely tan on you. Where have you been?

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No! no! Terribly sorry.

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'Bruce's Price Is Right.'

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-Did you enjoy that?

-All right.

-Oh.

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-Oh look! It's your favourite, The Price Is Right.

-Yeah, I know.

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'It's always nice to meet the stars of our show, whoever you are.'

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I'll get started on the washing-up.

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'Ellen Hunt, come on down!

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'Acshai Fephoria, come on down!

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'Andy Pitkin, come on down!

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-'You are the first four contestants on The Price Is Right.'

-Hello.

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One thing this country does better than all the others is fetes.

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It's the fete capital of the world.

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That's cakes done. Now, what's next, Judy?

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-It's Maggie's jams.

-Jams? Jolly good. Thank you, Judy.

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Now, what's this? Plum.

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Not my favourite conserve, Judy.

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-Or mine, Mary.

-But we soldier on.

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Mmm. That's not bad for a plum.

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It's rather good. Who made this?

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-Emma Shepherd.

-Who?

-The one who ran off with the schoolmistress.

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SHE GAGS

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-Are you all right, Maggie?

-No more lesbian jam. I can't keep it down.

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-So sorry, Maggie. I'll, er, I'll make a note.

-Yes.

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I'm assuming this is raspberry. It's not properly labelled.

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Thank you.

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Mmm. Not unpleasant. Who made this?

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-Sarah Tenant.

-Remind me.

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-Sarah Tenant. The one who's married to the man who's...(black).

-Sorry?

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-Who married someone who's...(black).

-She did what?

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She married a black man. SHE GAGS

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Judy, you could have warned me.

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-I'm so sorry, Maggie. Do you want to carry on?

-Yes.

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Yes. We've got to get this done.

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Well next, Maggie, we have breakfast marmalade.

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Ah. Mmm. Mmm. Very nice.

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Quite tangy. Put down tangy.

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-Tangy.

-Very nice. Who made this?

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Sanjana Patel.

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SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

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Right. That's jams done. Next, pastries.

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In the small mining village of Llanddewi-Brefi lies the home

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of homosexual gay Dafyd Thomas.

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Morning, Dafyd.

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Gay rights now!

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-There was a bucket stole in the village.

-It's a crimewave.

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-Mum. Da.

-Morning son.

-Morning son.

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I've something important to say.

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Put your paper down, Dad. What do you want to say?

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You know I haven't really had any girlfriends.

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What about the girl from the abattoir?

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Yes, that was just a phase.

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What about the girl with the lazy eye? You were quite taken with her.

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Again, the folly of youth. No. What I have to tell you is that I am...

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Asthmatic?

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No. I am...

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a gay. Oh!

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-That's nice, dear.

-Good for you, lad. It says here

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-that the bucket had a chrome handle.

-Oh.

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-So you don't mind?

-No!

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-You won't disown me or cast me asunder?

-Hey? Oh, no.

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To be honest, love, we did have an inkling.

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-You got a boyfriend then?

-No.

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Have you not had any arse action at all?

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No. But I have been thinking about it, which may shock you.

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-I'll have to try and fix you up with someone.

-That won't be easy as I am the only gay in the village.

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There's a lad who works down the mine. He takes it up the chuff.

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-No, thank you.

-I know who's mad for cock.

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He runs the sauna - Gay Aled.

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Gay Aled is not gay!

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Uncle Glyn's had him. Apparently he's very into watersports.

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-Ah. That's nice for them.

-Yeah.

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I think we should invite the family round on Sunday.

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It's time they knew.

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This Sunday's not much good. Uncle Gareth's gone to San Francisco.

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Cousin Bryn is going to watch Shirley Bassey.

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-What about Auntie Sioned?

-No, she stays in on a Sunday and eats minge.

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When I see a fat person, I spit on them as I would a dog

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and would encourage you to do the same.

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Oh, you've put on 3g. You've been noshing again, haven't you?

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Next time you feel peckish, have a bit of dust. Yeah?

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Waddle back to your seat.

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Those of you who read the Fat Fighters newsletter will be aware

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that Fat Fighters has got a new spokesperson.

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We're lucky - she's visiting us tonight.

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Please give a warm welcome to Vanessa Feltz.

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Vanessa!

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Vanessa Feltz. Mwah! Mwah! My good friend, Vanessa Feltz from the TV.

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Come and sit next to me, Vanessa Feltz.

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So, Vanessa Feltz,

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you and - I know you won't mind me saying it - you were fat.

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We're all friends, we can say it.

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-Then you lost it all!

-I was going through a traumatic divorce.

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Then you piled it back on. I saw a picture of you in Take A Break.

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The last thing you needed.

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-That's why I...

-Then you lost it all again!

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-Yes, but I...

-What are you doing now? Up or down?

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I hope I've reached my optimum weight. It's important to realise when that point comes.

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I think you could lose another stone.

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OK, fatties, so it's question and answer with Vanessa Feltz.

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Who's got a question? Vanessa will not want to answer questions about the divorce

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or the time she went a bit loopy on Big Brother.

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Don't ask her about Grant Bovey and the chocolate at the wedding.

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-That was Anthea Turner.

-I don't think you can blame Anthea for that.

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-Vanessa.

-Hi, Amira.

-You must have tried many diets.

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What was the worst one?

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-Well...

-Couldn't understand a word. Sorry, Vanessa. She's Asian.

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I should have warned you. An English person?

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-Yes, Pat.

-Hello, Vanessa.

-Hi, Pat.

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I must say what an inspiration it is to see larger-frame women like yourself on TV.

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-I want to...

-It's a bloody essay.

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Was it a struggle for you to get on TV? I'd love to be a TV presenter,

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but my size might hold me back.

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-Well, it is...

-You?! On TV?!

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Don't make me laugh!

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Vanessa may be big, but you are something else.

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I call her Fat Pat, hey, Vanessa?

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Actually, I'm making a new show about dieting and attitudes to food.

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I need some larger people to help present. Give me your phone number.

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-Thanks!

-Don't worry, Pat. I'll make sure she gets your number. I'd love to be on TV.

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Sorry, not after what I've seen today. You're obviously a total cow.

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-Anybody else?

-I've got a question, Vanessa Feltz.

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Thank you very much, Vanessa Feltz.

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Vanessa Feltz.

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After money was introduced to Britain in 1997, banks were opened.

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So, how much do you want to borrow?

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£2,000, please.

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Two thousand pounds.

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Computer says "No."

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Is there nothing we can do?

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Right. Well, maybe if I ask to borrow a bit less. £1,500?

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Fifteen hundred pounds.

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Computer says "No."

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Can I have a word with the manager?

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-Computer says "No."

-So, there's nothing you can do?

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Give me a minute.

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(There's a man here, says he wants to borrow £2,000.)

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WHISPERS INAUDIBLY

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Computer says "No."

0:16:500:16:52

Posh people are much better and cleverer than common people

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and so they live in nicer houses.

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Oh, love's young dream.

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Today, Harvey's parents are meeting his girlfriend for this first time.

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- It's a lovely house. - It's been in the family for years.

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What about you? You work in publishing?

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Yes. It's a small house. We mainly do history books.

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Battle of Culloden - wonderful. Any books on that?

0:17:260:17:30

-What time is dinner, Mummy?

-It will be about another hour.

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-But I'm hungry.

-You'll have to wait. So, how did you two meet?

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It was through a friend I work with who was at Bristol with Harvey.

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-Bitty.

-Not bitty now, bitty later.

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-Bitty!

-If you have bitty now, you won't want any supper, will you?

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I want bitty.

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Come along, then.

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-It's all right, Jane. Do carry on.

-Um...

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-You were telling us about how you met.

-Oh.

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Well, I was at a party and...

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..um...we got talking.

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I'd seen you before at Simon's 30th but we didn't really speak then.

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No, but we sort of...

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..noticed each other.

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-More wine, anybody?

-Fine, thank you, Daddy.

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You are hungry today, aren't you?

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-Do you have your own place in London?

-No. My brother and I live at home with our parents.

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-Really?

-Yes. We tried to move out, but Mum and Dad don't want us to.

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Oh, I think it's terribly important to let go.

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HE BURPS

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Thank you, Mummy.

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Welcome to the family.

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It's nought o'clock and at this shop, Mr Man is looking for a date.

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I had a date once. It was November 11th.

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-Hello.

-Hello. So, how can I help you?

0:19:190:19:23

I'm looking for a woman with a name of Linda Williams.

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So you're looking for a specific person?

0:19:270:19:30

No. Any woman with the name of Linda Williams.

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Any particular reason?

0:19:350:19:37

I like that name.

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-Right.

-It's not my favourite.

-No?

-My favourite name is Catherine Drew.

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But at my time of life, you can't afford to be too picky.

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Because, as I always say...

0:19:500:19:53

Right. OK.

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Let's take down some of your particulars.

0:19:590:20:02

What age woman are you looking to meet?

0:20:020:20:05

Oh, really, anybody between the ages of 38 and 39.

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Height?

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She should have some height, yes.

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Hair?

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-I do prefer it.

-No - any particular length?

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Oh, anything from here...

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to here.

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Right.

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OK, well... I'll just have a look in the file.

0:20:300:20:34

I can't see anyone in here.

0:20:350:20:38

One moment.

0:20:380:20:40

Margaret! Margaret!

0:20:400:20:44

Yes?

0:20:470:20:49

A gentlemen wants to know if we have any women named Linda Williams!

0:20:490:20:54

-We have a Lindsey Williams.

-We have a Lindsey Williams!

0:20:540:20:57

Absolutely no way.

0:20:570:20:59

-Absolutely no way.

-Oh.

-Oh.

0:20:590:21:03

-There's a Linda Willis.

-Ooh, there's a Linda Willis!

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Would she be interested in changing her name?

0:21:060:21:10

-Would she change her name?

-I don't know.

-She doesn't know.

0:21:100:21:15

-Oh.

-Oh!

0:21:150:21:17

Roy! Roy, check the red file. There might be a Linda Williams in there.

0:21:170:21:22

Oh!

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Oh, yes! How funny.

0:21:250:21:27

We have a Linda Williams. She's 38, got shoulder-length hair, pretty.

0:21:270:21:32

-Well?

-Well?

0:21:340:21:37

Did I mention she should have a glass eye?

0:21:370:21:40

Margaret.

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Margaret!

0:21:450:21:48

Number Ten Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister.

0:21:480:21:53

I was asked to be PM but it clashed with a voiceover for Mini Eggs.

0:21:530:21:58

Here are the policy documents for the NATO summit, Prime Minister.

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Thank you. I'll need one of you to come with me to Bruges this evening,

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-in advance of the talks.

-Ooh!

0:22:110:22:14

Mm!

0:22:150:22:16

Ooh! Mm!

0:22:160:22:18

-Ha!

-Gregory, would you like to go?

0:22:190:22:22

-I'd be delighted.

-Would you pack my case for me?

0:22:220:22:26

-With pleasure.

-But I know where your pants and socks are!

0:22:260:22:30

And if you'd make sure the car's ready.

0:22:300:22:34

-Yes, Prime Minister.

-"Yes, Prime Minister. No, Prime Minister. Three bags full, Prime Minister!"

0:22:340:22:39

BUZZER

0:22:390:22:42

-Yep?

-'The leader of the opposition is here, Prime Minister.'

-Thank you.

0:22:440:22:49

You don't have a problem with me taking Gregory to the summit, do you?

0:22:490:22:54

-No, I'm not bothered. You guys have fun!

-It's just that I...

0:22:540:22:59

Don't touch me, please!

0:22:590:23:02

KNOCKING

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Come in!

0:23:030:23:04

Oh, so this would be my office!

0:23:050:23:08

-Ha ha!

-Ha ha ha!

0:23:080:23:11

-Hi, Mike. How are you?

-Don't get too used to it, Philip!

0:23:110:23:15

-My aide, Sebastian Love.

-Oh.

-Hi.

0:23:190:23:22

Just need to search you.

0:23:220:23:25

OK! Fine.

0:23:250:23:28

Sebastian, I don't think that's necessary.

0:23:280:23:31

Oooh.

0:23:330:23:35

Philip, take a seat.

0:23:350:23:37

The press have been very kind to you today.

0:23:390:23:43

Yes, the Guardian was pretty positive.

0:23:430:23:46

Yes. Gorgeous photo, wasn't it, Michael?

0:23:460:23:50

Tea?

0:23:500:23:51

-I'm sorry?

-Cup of tea?

-Are you having one?

0:23:510:23:55

Don't worry about him! You want one, you have one.

0:23:550:23:59

Yes, thanks.

0:23:590:24:01

You advising your own piece

0:24:020:24:05

to block the reforms I'm putting through?

0:24:050:24:09

-So that's why you invited me here!

-I don't...

0:24:090:24:12

Finger?

0:24:120:24:14

I'm sorry?

0:24:140:24:16

Chocolate finger.

0:24:160:24:18

No thanks.

0:24:180:24:20

Go on, treat yourself!

0:24:200:24:22

I like to dunk mine then suck off the chocolate.

0:24:230:24:27

Sebastian! Thank you.

0:24:300:24:33

I don't see that these reforms need to turn into a party political issue.

0:24:380:24:43

-Don't let him bully you!

-That's for me and the shadow cabinet.

-Yeah!

0:24:430:24:47

You go for it, girl!

0:24:470:24:50

I'd better go. I've an interview with Paxman in a couple of minutes.

0:24:500:24:55

-Good luck!

-He had you.

-He did not!

0:24:550:24:58

HE MOUTHS

0:24:580:25:00

-It's nice to see you, Michael. Good luck with the summit.

-Thanks.

-Are you going, Sebastian?

0:25:000:25:06

No, he's taking a black boy.

0:25:060:25:09

Well, it's nice to meet you.

0:25:110:25:14

I'll text you my number,

0:25:140:25:16

yeah?

0:25:160:25:18

Yes, thank you.

0:25:180:25:20

Right.

0:25:240:25:26

Sebastian, that was an extraordinary display.

0:25:280:25:31

Ooooh!

0:25:310:25:33

Jealous!

0:25:330:25:35

DOOR SLAMS

0:25:360:25:38

It's half past Tommy, and Judy and Maggie have completed their judging.

0:25:380:25:43

Ladies! Thank you so much for judging the jams.

0:25:430:25:48

-It was a pleasure, vicar.

-Thank you, vicar.

0:25:480:25:51

-Fairy cake?

-Thank you very much!

-Yes, thank you.

0:25:510:25:55

These look lovely.

0:25:550:25:57

Mmmm! Delicious!

0:25:570:26:00

They were made by the people in the homeless shelter.

0:26:000:26:04

SHE GRUNTS

0:26:070:26:12

Bleeuuuurrrghhh!

0:26:120:26:17

Brrrghhhh!

0:26:220:26:24

After a morning spent removing all the "K"s from Andy's Alphabetti Spaghetti,

0:26:320:26:39

Lou is taking his friend to the park.

0:26:390:26:42

-Ooh, don't eat all the bread. Thath for the duckth!

-I know.

0:26:420:26:47

-Oy! Einstein!

-Come over 'ere and say that!

-Rithe above it!

0:26:470:26:52

-Takin' the mick!

-Juth ignore it.

0:26:520:26:55

Someone should give them lot a smack!

0:26:560:26:59

-You thaid you were against violenth, that it wath the last bathtion of moral cowardith.

-I know.

0:26:590:27:05

Leave it, then. Come on, leth feed the duckth.

0:27:050:27:09

Oy! Davros!

0:27:090:27:11

Peathful here, innit? Thath why I like it.

0:27:110:27:16

Gives you time to think and reflect on your life.

0:27:160:27:20

I find the water very calming. I know you do too.

0:27:200:27:24

Ethpecially a day like today. Abtholutely magical.

0:27:240:27:28

All the troubles in the world float away.

0:27:280:27:31

Oh, good, they've gone!

0:27:310:27:34

Thee! Rithe above it!

0:27:340:27:37

Yeah, I know.

0:27:370:27:39

And so it is time to leave Little Britain for another week.

0:27:430:27:48

I have been asked to read the names of people who have to go to bed now.

0:27:480:27:53

Peter Goodman, Susannah and Robin Fellows,

0:27:530:27:56

Kathleen Willetts, Sir Henry Faulkener and Micky.

0:27:560:28:00

Good night!

0:28:000:28:02

Have you got my inhaler?

0:28:020:28:05