Episode 2 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain. What an absolutely terrific place to live!

We have no crime here, and why?

It's not because we hang, draw and quarter you for parking violations,

or disembowel litter louts, no! It is because of the people of Britain.

They are the bestest, goodliest people on God's fair earth.

And it is these everyday folksters that we look at for a bit today.

Keep it real!

Emily and Florence are transvestites.

Some people are intolerant of transvestism,

but live and let live, I say.

Everyone is equal and deserves the same rights, apart from lezzas.

Now let me do the talking.

Oh, aren't these ladies' dresses delightful, my lady friend.

Yes Emily. This one is very you, I think.

Hello, can I help you ladies?

Oh!

Hello! Yes, I am getting married

and I would like to purchase a dress, please.

For your fiance?

No, for me. I am a lady.

Oh yes, and we require a bridesmaid's dress

for my young lady friend here, Florence.

Yes, I am ever so excited, I have never been a bridesmaid before.

I am only 15, you see.

What sort of dress are you looking for?

A lady's dress that ladies wear.

White of course, with frilly bits and shit.

-This one is very nice.

-Elizabeth!

Yes. >

Have we got any of the Marie Antoinettes?

What size? >

One it to fit a man.

A large man.

I don't think so. I'll have a look in the stockroom. >

-OK.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oh, and any bridesmaids outfits...

for a short, fat bloke... with a moustache?

Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Ah!

IN DEEP VOICE: Get this bloody thing on!

Ladies noises!

Oh Emily, you look simply divine.

This man I am marrying will be so pleased.

-How does it fit?

-It is perfect!

-I am normally an 8 and this is a 10, so...

-Well, if you are sure?

I'm quite sure.

I'll just go and pop my clothes back on.

Pretty as a peach.

Britain is a democracy where any citizen can become Prime Minister

as long as they've a degree and aren't black.

Today the Prime Minister is having a very important summit

with the American President.

I think what you are proposing is an abuse of our friendship.

Look, there are no half measures.

Either you are with the United States on this or you're against us.

I think we will have to take advice from the United Nations

because I refuse to be bullied into making a snap decision.

United Nations can go to hell!

If you want the relationship with our country to continue

you are going to have to start delivering.

Before you rush into anything

perhaps you would like to see what the British intelligence has to say.

And perhaps you would like to see what the CIA has gathered.

Sebastian, could you get the document for the President, please?

Yes, Prime Minister, I will get it right now, Prime Minister.

Marvin? Can you get the CIA files for the Prime Minister, please?

Yes sir, Mr President, Sir!

My Prime Minister's so much better than your President.

Mr President's big and powerful and rugged. Your Prime Minister sucks!

How dare you!

-Get your hands off me!

-Get your hands off me!

What on earth is going on?

THEY TALK AT ONCE

That's enough!

THEY TALK AT ONCE

Enough!

Mr President, we have to go to the photo call.

This behaviour is inappropriate.

This is a difficult enough situation and you're making it worse.

Let me handle this.

You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

Two senior aides acting like a pair of the third graders.

You're an embarrassment.

BOTH: Ooh!

Mrs De Vere has been staying at Hill Grange health spa for five months

and has so far lost nearly an ounce.

Mrs De Vere, I need to speak to you about this unpaid bill.

Mrs De Vere!

Pick it up!

Hello, girls!

Hello, Mrs Poppodopoulos.

Mrs De Vere!

My time now, darling.

Quickly!

Mrs De Vere.

-Call me Bubbles.

-Can I have a word?

Can't you see I'm on the solaribed, darling?

Mrs De Vere, I need to resolve this payment situation.

You owe us nearly £20,000 now.

I will discuss this with you as soon as I am done, darling.

Mrs De Vere, you have been under there for over three hours now.

Yes, all right, darling.

We you excuse me for a moment, Mr Hutton,

I'm a little bit on fire.

Today, Lou is taking his friend, Andy, to a local pub.

Do I look all right?

-Andy?

-Yeah.

Now, you know I've been seeing a lot more of Anya recently,

since she got her visa through.

-I want you two to get to know each other, all right?

-Yeah, I know.

Here she is.

-Hello, Lou.

-Hello, Anya.

May I say you are looking lovely.

Here we are.

Now, this is Anya, who I was telling you about.

-Hello. I'm Anya.

-Yeah, I know.

Take a seat. Now, let me get everybody a drink.

Anya, what would you like?

Pint of bitter, please.

Pint of bitter, please.

-Um, Andy?

-I don't want nothing.

Now don't be silly. What do you want?

Pint, and another one.

OK, won't be a mo.

So, Andy...

Lou tells me a lot about you.

He is a very nice man, isn't he?

I like him very much.

Oh my goodness, what happened?

She pushed me.

No!

You evil Pole.

Being at university is a very harsh basket,

with students having to attend anything up to one lecture a term.

I'm sure I can get it finished by the end of the week.

-And when is it due in?

-Today.

I'll ring Martin and see.

Hello, Martin, it's Linda.

Yep, I've got a student here,

needs an extension on her feminist poetry essay.

It's Joanna Harding, Jo Harding.

How can I describe her?

Quite short hair,

a few piercings, wears a lot of black...

combat trousers.

That's right, the big fat lesbian.

Friday will be fine.

Meanwhile, in Little Bentcock, Dr Lawrence is showing Dr Beagrie

how one of his patients, Ann, is getting on in her new job.

Of an evening, when it's still light,

we encourage Ann to leave the hospital and work here. Watch this.

No, it's very quiet today.

Oh, I'll call you back later.

Hello, Ann.

Eugh, eugh, eugh!

Can I have a pair of size nine bowling shoes, please?

Eugh, eugh, eugh!

No, size nine bowling shoes please, Ann.

Eugh, eugh, eugh!

Thank you very much, Ann. See you later.

Fat Fighters is a very valuable organisation

which offers help and support to those serious about losing weight,

like these fat bastards.

18 stone five.

Oh, no, you've put on again, haven't you?

Oh, dear, it's not easy, is it?

See, your problem is, Tanya, you're fat AND old.

It gets harder and there's no man, is there? You're on your own?

Yes, my husband left me.

Yeah, well he would have done. Younger woman, wasn't it?

49? You're on your own now, every night, crying and eating.

At least you've got us here at Fat Fighters to make you feel better.

Off you pop!

Oh, she stinks and all.

Right, Pat, you're next.

Pat. Fat Pat.

Fatty Patty, boom-boom.

-17 stone two.

-Oh, no!

You've gone up an' all! Two pounds.

I was doing so well.

It don't matter. I like something to hold onto.

Sorry, what was that?

He was making a joke. We've started seeing each other.

Oh!

Oh!

How long's this been going on?

-A couple of weeks.

-A couple of wee...

Oh...

Mind you, in a way, I suppose it does make sense, two fatties together.

You do often get that, fat on fat.

Maybe we shall have our first Fat Fighters wedding.

In English, please, if you are going to say anything, my love.

So, how do the mechanics of your lovemaking work?

Do you have to use a winch or do you have a system of weights and pulleys?

-What kind of question's that?

-I don't want to know. But when you do get two fatties together,

or fat love, they often do pile it on.

Do you see what I'm saying? Cos there is no incentive.

Well, I think she's lovely.

That's not helping her.

I've said it before. Pat is morbidly obese.

I have only seen one person fatter than Pat and that was Barbara Papa.

The kindest thing to do is tell her call when she's lost a few stone.

-Thanks, Marjorie.

-That's no problem, Pat. I'm only thinking of you.

I really care about you

because you are now really...

an enormous fat pig.

Paul, you're next.

Over in Llandewi Breffi, devoted homosexualist, Daffyd Thomas,

is taking part in the village fete.

-Hello, Daffyd.

-Good afternoon.

Ooh, how much are your poppers?

This is a gay stall for gays only.

My grandson's gay.

Yes. It's probably just a phase.

Hello, Mrs Williams. Lovely flowers in the church last Sunday.

My pleasure, Vicar. Oh, have you met Daffyd?

No, I don't think I have.

Daffyd Thomas, the only gay in the village.

Hello, I'm Glyn, the new vicar.

I wonder what the church would make of my stall?

I'm not moving, I tell you!

I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it!

I think it's wonderful you're here.

I want to bring more gay people from the village into the church.

Gay person.

Do these butt plugs come with batteries?

Put that down!

A gay stall. Isn't that lovely, darling?

-Hello, I'm the verger.

-What the hell was that?

We're a couple. We met at my last parish in Merthyr Tydfil.

And you had to come here?

-I don't know why I bother.

-It's a cause for celebration.

-You're gay, we're gay.

-I shall be writing to the Bishop.

I wouldn't bother. He's gay.

Actually, he's bi.

What happened to religious homophobia?

It's all changed, dear.

Oh, this will be very nice for the archdeacon.

Oh, yes. Have you got one in black?

That's disgusting!

-Right, I'm off!

-Where are you going?

I can't stay here now, can I?

-What's the matter?

-I'm the only gay in this village!

I've said it before, vicar, and I'll say it again.

What that boy needs is a nice big cock up his arse.

If you could ask, I would really appreciate it.

OK. I'll see what I can do.

Martin, it's Linda.

I've got a student needing the rest of the week off. Personal reasons.

Mum's ill.

Yep. It's Kenneth Lau.

Um, how can I describe him?

He's got straight black hair, yellowish skin,

slight smell of soy sauce.

That's it, the ching-chong Chinaman.

OK.

He says that's fine.

At this restaurant in Harlot,

Harvey and Jane's parents are meeting for the first time.

..in raising a toast to Harvey and Jane.

Harvey and Jane.

To us.

Certainly got our work cut out for September, haven't we?

Shall I see if the golf club's free for the reception?

Thank you. That'd be great.

Still hungry.

-We'll have something when you get back, yes?

-Hungry.

When our eldest daughter got married,

she decided she wanted to have it in a very small village church,

-didn't she, Harvey?

-Bitty.

No, darling. The problem was the church only held 100...

-Bitty.

-Not bitty now, Bitty later.

Mum's drawn up a list of people she'd like to invite.

Yes. We've got some family in New Zealand.

-Bitty!

-Darling, you've just had pudding.

Bitty! Bitty!

Excuse me.

You were saying?

Oh...well...

We were just saying that... we can...do that list.

-Coffee?

-Ooh, lovely.

You having coffee, son?

No thank you, Daddy. I'm fine with milk.

It's hard, isn't it? All these relatives you see once a year -

bloody bores - and you feel you have to invite them.

-Yes.

-They never do bring enough.

Let me.

Oh, sorry!

Ooh, lovely.

So, do you follow the cricket?

Banks in Britain are extremely popular.

In fact, but there is nothing I like a more than a jolly good bank.

-How old is he?

-Go on, tell the nice lady.

Nearly six.

Nearly...six.

He's just got some money and wants to open his first bank account.

Well, we do have a junior saver account.

You get a free Percy piggy bank.

Oink, oink.

Ooh, lovely!

You get entered into a prize draw to win a free trip to Euro Disney.

I think he would like to open one of these please, wouldn't you?

The computer says no.

It's a school day, so Vicky Pollard has taken herself off to the park.

Hi, Karl.

High, um...

Vicky.

Move, actually.

So...

are you going down Kelly's party later?

-Might do.

-If you want, I'll go with you, yeah?

If I go, I'll go with Bethany.

Vicky, why are you always trying to get off with my boyfriend?

Oh, my God! I so can't believe you just said that!

It's like when I threw Anita's Nokia in the canal.

She's like, "Buy me another." I'm like, "Get over it!"

Then Paul came over, he's adopted anyway,

and said I fancied Mark Bennett.

Just cos I had sex with someone doesn't mean I fancy 'em.

Everyone's jealous cos I saw Christine Aguilera on the bus.

-You never saw her.

-I did!

You are such a liar! Anyway, stop trying to get off with my boyfriend.

Eugh! Don't be disgusting! Why would I fancy him?

Mingin'! He's well gay anyway.

Well, Rochelle said that you told her you fancy him. Did you?

No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, I didn't.

Rochelle's going to get beaten for saying that. She's a liar!

What about when she didn't go to Shanita's house cos her dad was ill,

and all he had was a brain haemorrhage.

Karl does fancy me.

He said he wanted to take me to the back of the language lab

and touch my Forest of Dean.

Piss off!

Don't worry! I was going anyway, you pair of total lesbo spackers!

If I see either of you again, you are both dead.

Can you give me a hand up, please?

Thanks.

I'm more confident on the road.

Jeremy Rent is an actor's agent.

I haven't heard from my agent for many years,

but then she is hopelessly dead.

So, that is a confirmed booking for my client, Melvyn Hayes,

to appear as Buttons in Cinderella at the Harlequin Theatre this Christmas.

Oh yes, the fee.

How does £200 a week sound?

Well I am sorry, but I cannot afford to pay you any more. Goodbye.

FLY BUZZES

INTERCOM BUZZES

-'Dennis Waterman here to see you.'

-Lovely. Send him in.

Hello!

-Hello, Den.

-Hot today, isn't it?

-Oh, yes, it's sweltering.

-I brought you a can of pop.

That's very kind of you. Do you need a hand bringing it in?

0h, no. I'll be fine.

FLY BUZZES

Woh! Woh!

Wo-oh!

Thank you very much.

Oh, lovely, thank you.

Now, I've had a call from the people at Birds Eye.

Is there a fly in here?

Yes, don't worry, it won't hurt you.

Oooh! Aaaah! Oooh! Aaaah!

Just ignore it, it will fly away.

They're making new adverts and want you to be Captain Birds Eye.

They want me to star in it, write and sing the theme tune?

Well, no, they've already got a song.

I know it! # They are bigger than most, and tastier. Do-do, do-do-do

# That's why I am the captain of the fish finger. Do-do, do-do-do

# They're called fish fingers but they're not fingers of fish

# Cos fish actually have fins. #

Oh dear.

Very hot today, isn't it?

Well, why don't you try this?

Woh! Woh! Wo-oh!

Wo-oh!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Oh, hello, Paul.

Hi. I have the form right here.

I just need the head of department to sign it.

OK, take a seat, I'll see if he is in his office.

Hello, Martin, it's Linda.

I've Paul Roberts here, needs you to sign his grant application form.

You know Paul. Everyone knows Paul.

Um...

Shoulder-length brown hair,

wears a lot of jewellery,

looks up a lot.

Gets his clothes from Mothercare.

That's it, the Oompa Loompa.

He says go straight up.

# Oompa Loompa, dup-a-dee-do. #

It's nought o'clock, and at this shop in Phlegm,

Mr Man is looking for a video.

I watched a video once, it was called Memorex E180.

It was rather dull.

I was just about to close...

It won't take long.

What is it you're looking for?

I would like to rent a film with Chevy Chase and Rick Moranis

as a pair of cops who have to go undercover

and pose as rappers in order to foil a drug deal.

Certificate 15.

I don't think I know that film.

Margaret knows all the films. One moment.

Margaret? Margaret?

Yes? >

A gentleman wants to know if we've got any videos starring Chevy Chase

and Rick Moranis as cops who have to go undercover

and pose as rappers in order to foil a drug deal.

-Certificate 15.

-Certificate 15.

I don't know. >

Oh, she doesn't know!

It actually ends with them having to take part in a rap competition.

It is very amusing.

-Does he know what it's called?

-Do you know?

-No.

-No!

-Oh!

-Oh!

Well, I don't know what to suggest.

-Is he sure the film exists?

-Are you sure the film exists?

No.

No!

But it is the film I would like to see tonight.

Right.

Well, I'm not sure it's been made,

-so I don't think you're going to be able to watch it tonight.

It's OK, I'll wait.

You'll wait?

Yes, until it's been made.

Well, here's an idea. How about we let you know the moment it comes in?

Yes, the moment, please. I'm a very busy man.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Can I call you back? I'm just in the middle of something.

Today in Pox, the Women's Institute is playing host to their local Conservative MP.

I love the Conservatives! They are my favourite political party

after Labour and the Liberal Democrats.

I'm speaking for the whole of the WI

when I say thank you so much for coming to talk to us today.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

I know it's important to have the support of you ladies.

Fancy a vol-au-vent?

Oh, yes, please.

Mmm, that is delicious.

-Did you make them yourself?

-Yes.

You must give me the recipe.

Well, actually, it's one of Ainsley Harriott's.

You really must come and speak to us again.

Yes.

If you enjoy the smell of dung and being shouted at by farmers,

why not spend a day in the countryside?

Isn't the countryside lovely?

-It's boring.

-But I thought you said you love the countryside.

I thought you said that the natural world had a sublime beauty,

unrivalled by anything man-made.

Yeah, I know.

Now, where are we exactly?

This is boring, I want to go home.

Yes, the trouble is, I think we're a bit lost.

Let me just ask this lady.

Excuse me, love, I think we're a bit lost.

Do you know the way to Taplow farm?

Er...

-One moment.

-Hello, Mr Horse.

Good boy. Right, let's have a look.

Now. Taplow farm, it's quite a way.

It's here on the map. I thought we were near.

We're the yellow line here.

Oh, I thought we were coming along this way.

No, no...

And so we conclude our journey around Little Britain.

Tonight's programme has ended a little sooner than usual

because I need to do a pooh now.

Goodbye-bye!

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2004

E-mail us at [email protected]