Episode 3 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain - cultural capital of the world.

The Sistine Chapel - British.

Mozart's Requiem - British.

The Great Wall of China - British.

None of that would've been invented were it not for the British people.

The men, the women, the boys,

the girls, and the children that populate this well fit country.

Let us have it!

Vicky Pollard hates smoking. Except in places where it's prohibited.

Put that cigarette out, please.

And that one.

-Can I see your ticket, please?

-Yeah, I got my ticket...

right here.

If you don't have a ticket, you'll have to get off.

That is so unfair! This is sexual harassment. If you fancy me, say so!

This is like when Miss Runnit, who everyone knows is a total lesbian, made Candice Burton stay behind

for gobbing on someone's hair. She only made her stay late cos she wanted to get off with her.

If you don't have a ticket, you can get off at the next stop.

It is OK, Vicky, I got you a ticket.

One for you, one for me.

Thank you.

What did you do that for, you virgin?! I don't need no ticket to get no bus! I'm Vicky Pollard!

Everyone will think I'm well sad. This is like when Tony told the fourth year I shat myself in Bath.

It was Bernice. I made a tape of her crying and admitting it!

Anyone that says I'm not hard, will get a spam head!

-Sorry. It looks like we won't get chucked off.

-That's what you think.

-Oi!

-I haven't finished yet! You're so rude!

Meanwhile, in Herby...

Are you sure you do not mind just sitting here and watching?

-Yeah.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

Cos last time we came here, you said it was boring.

You said that Torvill and Dean's routine aside, ice-skating was aesthetically bankrupt.

Yeah, I know.

I will only be 20 minutes or so.

-Oh, and...which crisps do you want?

-I want that one.

-Cheese and onion, right.

-And I want that one.

Right. See you in a bit, then.

Wish me luck.

I have got to catch my breath. Oh!

What a kerfuffle. Come on, you can do this.

At this jeweller's, a robbery has just taken place.

So, you were standing here at the time of the robbery when three men came in.

One of them was carrying a gun. What did he look like?

Oh, he was gorgeous!

He had lovely long hair and he was wearing tight jeans.

He looked at me and I thought I would melt. He was a nosh!

-Did you get a look at the second man?

-Yes. Oh, he was gorgeous!

He was short, not what I normally go for. I like them tall, like you.

He was gorgeous, and he had this voice that was like, "Put the money in the bag. No-one will get hurt".

It reminded me of a young Patrick Moore. Oh!

-And the third man?

-Oh, he was gorgeous! Black he was, but that do not bother me. Phwoar!

-Oh, what's the word...?

-Gorgeous?

Hands off, I seen him first! Oh, he was lush! I would very much like to have had sex with him.

OK, thank you. One last question. Did you see the getaway driver?

Was their a getaway driver?

Yes, there was. He was parked outside the shop in a metallic blue Vauxhall Corsa.

Oh...I am not sure whether I...

Now, come on, think. This is important.

I must have done. Because I saw them run out, and you're right.

They got into a blue car and there was a man sitting in the front seat

and, oh, he was gorgeous!

To keep fit, people in Britain go to gymnasia.

I do not need to take exercise as I have the body of an Adonis.

-All right?

-Yes.

-Are you using this?

-Yes, I've got one more set to do.

-You must get this all the time, but who d'you look like? Mr T.

-Who?

-Mr T. The bloke out of The A-team.

-I have not seen it.

-You know him.

He's the guy with the mohican, gold chains, he was in Rocky as well.

-Not Sylvester Stallone?

-No, his name is Mr T. He looks just like you.

Oh, I'll look out for him.

-Is that yours?

-Eh? Oh!

Cheers.

Oh, what is that show called again?

-The A-team.

-The A-team.

-They sometimes show it on UK Gold.

-Oh, yes. And it's Mr P?

-No, it's Mr T.

-Mr T. Right.

See you!

Men dressing up in women's clothing is a disgusting perversion.

I'm sitting in bra and panties, but I draw the line there.

-Two ladies!

-A lady and a lady out for a stroll.

Not men. Definitely not men.

Oh, Florence, regardez les enfants playing footie!

Oh, how enchanting! Of course, you used to play football, didn't you?

-No, no.

-You were left-back for QPR.

Florence, please remember, I am a lady!

Can we have our ball back, please?

-Leave it, Emily.

-Florence, I cannot help it.

-Fight it.

-I can't.

Be strong! Think of ladies' things.

Oh!

I think we got away with that. Au revoir!

If I had my way, fat people would be strangled at birth,

but, unfortunately, they are permitted to live.

Before we start, some congratulations are in order.

Aren't they, Meera? Because, Fat Fighters, we have a National Lottery winner in our midst.

Not the jackpot, that went to a white man.

But Meera Sharma... I am pronouncing it right, aren't I?

..chose correctly five numbers plus the bonus ball

and won herself £214,000.

How about that?!

What's important is that we don't treat her any differently.

-Isn't that right, my beautiful Asian friend?

-Yes, Margi.

-Yes, Marjorie!

Perfect English, well done. A lot don't make the effort.

Now, before we go any further, last week I gave you all the new,

they are new, Fat Fighters' diet sheet to fill out, or fill in, so can I have them back, please?

Thank you. "Ryvita for breakfast". What did you have on it, lard?!

No-one likes a liar, Paul. It says here you had fruit for lunch.

-Yes.

-What, Chocolate Orange?!

Hear that? Chocolate Orange. I don't know, you fatties.

Oooh, that smells lovely. Have a sniff of that. Cos a lot of people say they smell funny, but they don't.

No, I'm all for Asians. Ooh, where did you get your safari from?

I would love one. And a red dot, they are brilliant.

Hasn't she got lovely handwriting?!

You'll be writing a lot of cheques now...for all your family in India.

-New Malden.

-Have you thought what you're going to do with it yet?

I tell you, I would pay off my mortgage, I would go on holiday,

and the rest of it I'd share with my friends at Fat Fighters.

-Is that what you'll do...?

-I haven't decided.

-She's not decided yet, so slow down, you lot. Honestly!

Please, stop mentioning it.

Yes, please, can we all please now stop mentioning it?

Dear, oh, dear, Meera! They are like a pack of vultures. Sorry, vultures, is a type of bird,

like chicken balti, but without the balti. Right, come on, because we have to get through this now.

Day one. Breakfast.

Actually, I will just say, sorry, this is preying on my mind.

Mum is not well again, and all she wants is one last trip to Barbados,

but money, innit? Eh? Isn't that right, my Gorgeous Asian lady?!

Money, money, money! Give it to me!

Now...I spend.

I do my numbers on a Saturday. I do five Lucky Dips mid-week. I do scratch cards

and I've not won a penny, and I've lived in this country all my life.

It's theft. What you've done is theft!

Horrible how a lottery win changes someone, isn't it?

Number 10 is a hive of activity

following the hostile meeting with the Chancellor of Exchequer,

the Prime Minister and his aide, Sebastian, are hard at it.

-Are you going to be long?

-I am sorry, Prime Minister, my mouth is a bit full.

-Finished!

-I did not even realise there was a tear.

Yes, it's there, Prime Minister.

Oh, um...here are the notes from the Russian trade negotiations.

-Who am I meeting?

-Oh, some envoy from the British Embassy in Moscow.

-Show him in.

-POP! OK.

The Prime Minister will see you now.

Michael.

Andrew, I had no idea it was you. How the devil are you?

Can you not touch him, please?

Sebastian, it is quite all right. This is Andrew Wiltshire. He had your job. ..How many years ago?

Nearly five years ago.

Five years! It is good to see you!

-So, now you are in Moscow?

-Yes.

-How have you been?

Fine. Not quite as much fun as working for you.

-No staying up on by-election night, drinking tequilas!

-Do not remind me!

What was that?!

We just spent some very funny, drunken evenings together.

What happened?

Nothing happened. We just got very drunk...

-What about when you locked yourself out of your room and knocked at my door at 3am?

-Were you naked?

-No.

-What happened, then?

It's a long story.

Let us hear it.

Maybe we should get down to business, Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister is very busy, so if you could get to the point.

Yes, maybe the best thing is if you can take a look at these and sign them before I leave on Friday.

You are here till Friday?

Yes. I have got some free-time if you fancy a drink?

No. We are very busy.

You're hurting me, Sebastian.

I'll see you at the end of the week.

-Great to see.

-Great to see you.

-Nice to meet you.

-Yes, whatever.

Prime Minister, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't invite your exes round.

-It makes me very uncomfortable.

-Sebastian, I really need to read these papers.

Did you sleep with him?

This is the house that hypnotist Kenny Craig shares with his mother.

I used to live with my mother. Although she died many years ago.

There you go, love.

Oh! I forgot the sugar. Could you be a love and get it?

-Mum, ThunderCats!

-I have just sat down.

Look into my eyes the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes.

You're under. You may be old and recovering from double hip surgery, but you can bring in the sugar bowl!

-You're back in the room.

-I'll just go and get the sugar.

You've got some orange Viscounts, so can you bring those in, please?

-A very lazy person.

-There you are.

What time is it? Songs Of Praise is on the other side.

Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, look into my eyes. You are under.

This is an all-time classic episode of ThunderCats.

I am astounded you'd rather watch Songs Of Praise.

In fact, you now don't believe in God. You're back in the room.

-We'll stick with Thunderbirds, shall we?

-ThunderCats!

Thunder-what?

Look into my eyes, ThunderCats!

-ThunderCats?

-Yes, good.

You'll have to turn it off soon, cos I've got the girls coming round.

-OH! Look into my eyes, look into my eyes...

-Sorry, love. Can I just get my glasses?

It might work better with them on. Right, ready.

It is five to Gill, and Dr Laurence is showing Dr Bigley the work he does outside of the hospital.

Anne likes to come to this park, and I encourage it.

Feeding the ducks can be very calming.

Anne loves those ducks. I don't know if Anne has a favourite duck. You would have to ask her.

There used to be some swans around here. You don't see them any more.

Anne is just one of those people who loves wildlife.

It is nought o'clock, and at this shop in Phlegm, Mr Mann is looking for a birthday card.

I had a birthday once. I was 44.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Sorry, I was just about to take my lunch hour.

Margaret! Margaret!

Yes?

I was just about to take my lunch hour. Can you come downstairs and serve a gentleman?

I don't have any arms or legs.

Sorry, Margaret, I forgot.

So, how can I help?

Yes, I would like to purchase a birthday card, please.

-Right, well, these are all birthday cards.

-For a man.

-These are the men's cards.

-Who is 60...

..5.

He hates dogs.

And cats.

-And cartoon frogs.

-Does he hate all animals?

No, he likes single-cell organisms, like amoebas.

Well, I can't see any amoeba-based cards here. One moment.

Margaret? Margaret?

Do we have any cards with single-cell organisms on them?

-Like amoebas.

-Like amoebas?

-I don't think so, no.

-She says she doesn't think so, no.

-Oh.

-Oh.

I don't know what to suggest.

Oh, he loves the sea...

..word.

I can assure you, we don't have anything with that in it.

Don't worry, I can write that in myself.

Do you have any cards that say, "Happy 65th birthday...

.."Michael Philippides?"

No.

Mike Philippides?

In Grope, PCs Bryson and Rawlingson have some sad news to impart.

Mrs Harris, there has been an accident.

I'm afraid your husband was killed in a car crash this morning.

No!

I'm terribly sorry.

No!

-He was involved in a collision with a heavy goods vehicle.

-Oh, no!

Paramedics were called, but Ken was pronounced dead at the scene.

Ken?

-Yes, I'm afraid so.

-But my husband's Jonathan.

Jonathan Harris.

Er...

it was a black Ford Mondeo. Registration K...

No, no, we only have a Fiesta.

We must have got the wrong house!

Ha-ha, ha! Oh, I don't believe this.

You want the other Mrs Harris, three doors down.

Oh, you couldn't make it up!

Excuse us.

In Troot, Jeremy Rent has just clinched another major deal for one of his clients.

So that's Colin Baker to open your church fete this Saturday at two.

I can throw in Bonnie Langford for an extra £10.

No? Please yourself. Bye-bye.

-BUZZING

-Dennis Waterman here to see you.

-Oh, lovely. Send him in.

-I'll take it for him.

Hello, Dennis. Oh, careful.

It's all right. I've got it.

There we go.

-Now, you know they are showing Minder again on UK Gold.

-Oh, yes?

-Your repeat fee money came through.

Ooh! Thank you.

There's been lots of interest in you. The BBC rang, and they'd like you to be on Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Oh, brilliant! It's my favourite.

I love the bit when Phill Jupitus spontaneously gets up on the desk.

They've offered £50, but I think I can get them up to £55.

-I forgot your biscuit.

-Oh, don't worry about that.

-No, I insist.

I'm trying to cut down, but I...

So, The Buzzcocks, would you like to do it?

-So, they want me to be on the panel, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune...

-Well, no.

They've got a theme tune. They'd just like you to be on the panel.

£55, Dennis.

# This show is called Never Mind The Buzzcocks

# Doo, doo, doo, doo-doo

# It is hosted by Mark Lamarr Doo, doo, doo, doo-doo

# Phill Jupitus is the team captain so is Bill Bailey

# Who took over from Sean Hughes. #

I'll tell them you are busy.

Oh, Jeremy, there is a mouse in here!

Don't worry, he'll soon scuttle out.

In Grope, PCs Bryce and Rawlinson still have some sad news to impart.

We have some bad news.

There has been an accident.

I'm afraid your husband, KEN Harris, was killed in a car crash.

No! No!

God, no! Please...

We're terribly sorry.

Ken's dead?!

I'm afraid so, Madam.

His black Ford Mondeo was involved in a collision with a heavy goods vehicle.

Paramedics were called, but Ken was pronounced dead at the scene.

Funny thing, actually...

After an audition for the local production of Hamlet,

the littlest homo Daffyd Thomas is off to the pub.

-Afternoon, Daffyd.

-Queer basher!

-Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy.

-Coming right up.

-So, how did the audition go?

-It was a complete waste of time.

The director said I wasn't Hamlet.

I'm sorry, Myfanwy, but the Llanddewi Breffi Amateur Dramatics Society is homophobist.

-What audition speech did you do?

-It's Raining Men, The Weather Girls.

Maybe you'll get a bit in the panto.

I doubt it. It's very difficult for gay people to make it in the theatre.

I cannot think of a single gay actor.

Ooh, I nearly forgot.

-Your brother rang.

-Really?

-He said he'll pop over.

Says he's got something important to tell your ma and da.

I wonder what it could be. I hope he hasn't got some girl pregnant.

-Hiya.

-Hello, Dewi.

-Oh, he's bought his friend Pedro. Hello.

-Hola.

Dos Bacardi and Coke, por favor.

So, Dewi, what's the matter?

Um...well...um...

Nancy boy! Whoo-hoo!

I've always looked up to you and, I'm thinking of coming out to ma and da and I wanted your advice.

Oh, right, sorry. Coming out as what?

Well...

-as gay.

-What?!

You're gay? I had no idea!

I suppose I've hidden it quite well.

Have you told Pedro?

PEDRO SPEAKS SPANISH

Pedro knows.

You mustn't tell ma and da.

-Why not?

-We've already got one gay in this family, we don't need two!

-But they need to know!

-All right, let me think.

How do you feel about being bisexual?

-But I'm not. I'm gay.

-Bisexual!

Horrible!

Couldn't you at least try it?

The boy likes cock, Daffyd.

Look at him, he's bloody gagging for it!

Si, Senora. Uno, dos, tres, quattro...

I'm sorry, Myfanwy. I am not having a gay brother!

Oh, he was like this when I told him about my first taste of fanny.

-I'm sorry you feel that way, Daffyd, but I'm off home to tell them now. Come along, Pedro.

-Sex-o?

Later.

Daffyd, that was no way to speak to your brother and his boyfriend.

Pedro's gay too?!

At this supermarket in Herby, Lou has spent all of his Jobseeker's Allowance on food for Andy.

-You forgot the Monster Munch.

-No, we've got plenty of those at home.

-Yeah, I know.

Oh, no! Look what some silly arse has done.

I can't get the van out now! Oh!

Well, you wait here, I'll see if I can find someone.

-What a kerfuffle!

-I'll miss My Hero.

There's not a lot I can do. I'll be as quick as I can.

My Hero!

I don't think we need you any more. All right. Thanks a lot.

And so we end our trip around Little Britain.

I must go now, because this room is full of rats and I'm currently being eaten alive.

Good fry!

E-mail us at [email protected]