Episode 4 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain -

recently awarded the OBE, but why?

Not just because we won all those wars or invented the scone.

No, it's because of the people of Britain - the British.

The Brits -

or "scum" as we are affectionately known around the world.

Let's take a trip around this fragrant isle and find out who they are,

and what they're doing. Bring it on!

The police, or "pigs" as they are affectionately known,

are always busy solving crimes.

Popular crimes include armed robbery, GBH and my personal favourite - murder.

Perhaps the next time you try to steal a horse, you'll think again.

-SHE TUTS

-Don't tut. I'm letting you off with a warning. Think yourself lucky.

ALL RIGHT! Who do you think you are, the law or summat?!

Ten hundred thousand pounds?

So, Vicky...you say you witnessed the robbery?

Yeah, but, yeah, but, what happened was

-this bloke robbed this bank or somethin'...

-It was a jewellers.

Yeah, and I was told the man that done and it he was, like, SO guilty

and it was, like, SO obviously him and he looks exactly like that,

so can I have ten hundred thousand pounds, please?

You didn't see anything, did you?

Oh my God! I SO can't believe you said that. I was right in the middle of it! He tried to nick my Reeboks!

I should get CON-SIPATION for that!

You know it's an offence to waste police time?

No, but, yeah, but, no, because I'm not wasting police time

because Misha saw the whole thing cos she was bunking off school cos she was gonna get off with Luke Rivers,

but his moustache looks like pubes, so she got off with Luke Torbet,

but don't tell Bethany cos she's fancied Luke Torbet since she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec.

-What's this got to do with the investigation?

-I'm getting there!

But Ellie Barnes, who is a total slag bag,

said Craig Welsh's brother left a rubber johnny on Miss Turner's desk!

Vicky, we're just interested in the robbery.

WHAT ROBBERY?! I ain't done nothin'!

It's like when Sumina said I threw a tampon at Ian Button in assembly,

but she was well out of order, cos it was a panty pad.

-You have no idea who did this crime.

-Oh, my God! I SO can't believe you just said that!

I was SO just about to tell you who the robber was!

-Are you all finished in here?

-Yeah.

She done it.

Did you see that? She well just gave me guilties!

The people of Pox are enjoying light refreshment after their annual carol service.

I love carols, although I do prefer Barbaras.

-Lovely service, vicar.

-Yes, vicar.

-Thank you, ladies.

To hear the children sing all those carols - for me, that's the true meaning of Christmas.

-Yes, they did do well, didn't they? But it's all down to the choirmaster.

-Thank you, vicar.

Mince pie, ladies?

Oh, thank you! Oh, they're still hot.

Mmm...

Lovely! Did you make these?

Yes...with my partner, Stephen.

By the way, I thought the solo in Silent Night was divine.

Thank you.

It's five to Jackie S, not Jackie P,

and in the northern town of Dirty Boy, lies this sublime newsagents.

Hello.

Thirsty?

Yeah.

Hungry?

Looking to catch up on the day's news and sport?

Hoping to write letter to friend or relative?

Planning a wank?

Just these.

-Can I take your order, sir?

-Yes,

I'll have the foie gras to start.

-And for your main course, sir?

-Poached guinea fowl.

-Would you like vegetables with that, sir?

-Just dauphinoise potatoes.

Excellent choice, sir.

And a Double Decker.

Today, Emily is taking Florence to the ballet.

Emily, you're absolutely sure this is what ladies wear when they go down the ballet?

Trust me, dear Florence, all the best ladies dress like this.

Just do as I do and no-one will suspect a thing.

I love to slip into a tutu -

Bishop Desmond Tutu.

Good evening. Two LADIES' tickets for the ballet, s'il vous plait.

-They're all the same price, sir. Where would you like to sit?

-In a seat, please.

Yes, facing the stage. We love the ballet, you see!

We're just two ladies who love the ballet!

-Florence here was very nearly a ballerina.

-Yea... Was I?

-Yes.

-She always dreamed of being a prima ballerina.

-Yes, but then I became a hod-carrier.

I am definitely a lady, and I have been coming to the ballet now for many a year.

I've seen all the finest companies - the Rambert, the Bolshoi...

Legs & Co.

That's two tickets in the stalls at £50 each. How would you like to pay?

Um...Switch.

"Mr Edward Howard."

My husband's card! Silly me!

Her husband's card! Yes! How funny!

LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

-Do you have any cash, Florence, dear?

-I should have some in here.

Where are we? Ah, yes...20, 40, 60...

VOICE GETS GRUFF: 80, a ton.

Merci beaucoup!

Excuse me, where's the bogs?

Ou les...le chambres...

de pee-pee?

Toilets are through there, but the performance is about to start.

-Merci.

-Ta very much.

-Ooh!

-Two ladies having a pee!

Hey!

Ooh! Whoops-a-daisy!

Christmas was first celebrated in Britain in 1986,

to commemorate the birth of Lord Martin Christmas.

CARS ENGINES REV ON TELEVISION

-Remember you're going to be reading in church today.

-Yeah, I know.

-What do you wanna wear? I'm going to put the iron on.

-Baby Jesus.

What about the baby Jesus?

-I wanna go dressed as the baby Jesus.

-Hmm...

I'm not really sure that's a good idea. I know you like the baby Jesus...

-I love the baby Jesus.

-I'm not sure you dressing up as him is going to go down that well in church.

It's going to be a right kerfuffle making you up a baby Jesus outfit at such short notice.

Baby Jesus.

And now Andrew Pipkin is going to read for us from the Gospel according to St Matthew.

Andrew.

"And so it came to pass

"that Mary and Joseph made their way to the city of Bethlehem.

"They sought high and low for refuge,

"but there was no room at the inn."

I look a pillock.

-So that you can have the opportunity...

-In Kidney, Dr Lawrence

has taken Dr Beegree to see one of his patients

take part in an amateur production of The Importance Of Being Earnest.

You must be serious. I hate people who are not serious about wills.

I know Anne's worked hard on this. I think she'll be fantastic.

Lady Bracknell.

Oh, this'll be her now.

Good afternoon, Lady Bracknell.

Eh-eh-eh!

May I offer you a cucumber sandwich?

Eh-eh-eh!

Oh, the handbag line. I'm dying to see how she does it.

I was telling Algernon how I was found in Victoria Station in a handbag.

Eh-eh-eh?

Brilliant.

Um, yes, Lady Bracknell, I was in a handbag -

-a somewhat large black leather handbag with handles...

-Eh-eh-eh!

-I was in the cloakroom of Victoria Station.

-Ah, the Brighton line!

Yes, I need hardly...

I don't remember this bit.

I'd love to see her do some Shakespeare.

Eh-eh-eh!

Every Christmas, Marjory Dawes takes her Fat Fighters group out for a meal.

Best meal I ever had was in Rome - in a little backstreet. Chicken McNuggets and chips.

I asked for a corner table cos it's not fair on the other diners to have to watch fat people eat.

It looks so nice, doesn't it? I dunno what to have.

It's Christmas, so everyone can order what they like. You've got to have a night off.

We're not Fat Fighters now, are we?

I'm not sure they do curry here, Moira, but why not order some English food? Spag bol.

-Everyone ready?

-I think so.

By the way, we're all from Fat Fighters, aren't we gang? Yay!

-In case you're wondering what I'm doing with them, I'm the leader.

-What would you like?

-I think I'll have the garlic bread.

-I don't think you should be having a starter, Tanya, do you?

OK, then, in that case I'll just have the chicken Kiev.

-Anything on the side?

-No.

I'll have the steak and chips.

No, just give him a salad without the dressing.

-Can I have lasagne...?

-What I think is best, is if you just POINT at what you want, yeah?

-Pat?

-Seeing as you're ordering for us, I'll just have salad.

Cancel that. Do you have any dust?

Dust?

Hoover dust?

No? Dust? Dust?

No? Dust? No? Dust? No dust? No?

No dust? Hoover dust? No? No dust?

-No.

-Well, in that case, just give her a glass of water.

-Anything for you?

-Nothing for me. I want to keep my figure. I never eat after six.

-So, has everyone finished their Christmas shopping, then?

-No.

No, I haven't done any of it yet.

QUIET CHATTER Oh, I just dropped my fork.

Excuse me.

-Yeah, go on.

-GOBBLING NOISES

GOBBLING AND MUNCHING

So...

what's everyone doing for Christmas?

Over at Llandewi Breffi, gay boy Daffyd Thomas is taking a stand against his local library.

-Morning, Daffyd.

-We're taking action, Mrs Jones.

Oh, right.

-Is there something the matter?

-Quentin Crisp - The Naked Civil Servant. The Joe Orton diaries.

-My Struggle - Dale Winton.

-Right.

It's not easy being the only gay in the village - it's bloody hard. Books like this have been a lifeline to me.

-Oh, Will Young.

-Put that down! It's a gay book for gays.

Sorry.

There we go. This library now has its own Gay & Lesbian including Bisexual section.

Another step forward for the Llandewi Breffi Gay Liberation Front - me!

Actually, Daffyd, I don't know if you've ever been past Travel,

-but we do have quite a popular Gay section.

-What?!

-Come with me.

-There.

-What the hell is...?!

Shh!

-Have you decided what you're having yet, sir?

-No.

-The oysters are very good.

-All right, half a dozen oysters to start.

-And for your main course?

-The liver...with baby onions and Savoy cabbage.

Excellent choice.

And a Lion bar and a Peperami.

This is number 10 Downing Street.

Today, the prime minister and his wife

are preparing to make an important announcement.

I don't want to spoil it, but they're having a baby.

KNOCK ON DOOR Come.

Morning, Prime Minister!

-Hello, Sebastian. You know my wife, don't you?

-Hello.

-Hi!

-Maybe I should just GO!

-No, please - sit down.

We've something to tell you. I'd like you to issue a press statement confirming Sarah is pregnant.

WHA-A-A-AT?!

Three months gone and... bump's beginning to show.

Actually, you're the first person on the staff to know. It's great news, isn't it?

Whatever!

So is that it, or is there something important you need to discuss?

Well, it'll be quite a big story today and I'd like you to handle it.

PHONE RINGS Oh, Chief Whip. Excuse me.

So, it's definitely his, is it?

Yes, of course it is. Sebastian, we need to compose this statement.

-Very clever!

-Excuse me?

What you've done - very clever.

-I'm sorry?

-Got yourself up the duff.

-Did you say you were on the pill? Tricked him into it?

-No,

-we've been married for 12 years, trying for children for two.

-You've worked it, girl.

-WHAT?

-You've got him!

You've won! But let me tell you this, girlfriend -

-while you're piling on the pounds eating for two, he'll be looking elsewhere!

-How dare you!

Oh... Is she all right?

You know - women's problems.

Shall we get on with this statement?

Yup. Um... "We regret to announce...?"

"Well, she's done it. The bitch has done it."

Explain.

Oh, sorry, Prime Minister.

You know we could have adopted.

People in Britain like to keep their money safe -

either by depositing it in a bank or by nailing it to their front door.

-It's 80,000, which is cheap for round here. MONOTONOUSLY:

-Oh, yeah.

-The estate agent reckons we could get them down to 75.

-Sounds great.

The best mortgage for you is the Midwest First Time Buyers Plus.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah...

There's a fixed rate of 4.9% over five years,

and an instant cashback of £10,000.

-Right.

-Sounds good.

We'll go for that, please.

-(It's going to be brilliant!)

-I know.

-I know.

Computer says no.

This upper class family are meeting their wedding caterer.

If you're not sure which class you are,

simply pull back your foreskin where you'll see "lower", "middle" or "upper".

For the starter, I was thinking of wild asparagus tips

with hollandaise sauce.

Of course, I'm open to suggestions, so if there's anything you like,

-it's your wedding, you should say.

-Bitty.

Sorry?

-Not now, Harvey.

-I don't like asparagus.

-Maybe you could do some smoked salmon for my mother?

-Bitty.

-No, Harvey.

-Bitty.

You've just had bitty.

Please.

Well, for the main

I was going to suggest breast of pigeon with wild mushroom risotto.

-That sounds lovely.

-Sounds a bit rich.

-I don't like risotto.

-Is there anything you'd prefer?

-Bitty!

-Come on, Harvey.

We will offer a vegetarian option.

Oh, bloody vegetarians! String up the lot of them, I say!

Bitty, bitty!

We went to a wedding in the spring where they had these lovely roasted artichoke hearts.

A lot of people went for them over the beef Wellington.

SLURPING > Yes, that...does often happen.

-Oh! You're biting!

-Nothing left!

-Not surprised, you were a very greedy boy this morning.

-Bitty!

Don't worry, dear, I should have some.

Nanna bitty!

SLURPING >

Any ideas on pudding?

At a supermarket in Slaughter,

stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has just finished his shopping.

Supermarkets were introduced into Britain to destroy small businesses

and create a sense of social alienation.

LOUD CRUNCH

Excuse me!

-Yes?

-Are you going to leave your insurance details?

-They're in the car.

-I saw you do it.

Look into my eyes, my eyes - not around the eyes. Look into my eyes.

You're under. You did NOT see me hit that car. 3, 2, 1, you're back.

-You didn't see who hit that car, did you?

-I did. It was him.

-No.

-I saw you do it!

Look into my eyes, my eyes - not around the eyes. Look into my eyes.

-You did NOT see me hit that car. Nor did you. 3, 2, 1...

-Hey!

What's happened to my car?!

-Look into my eyes! Look into my eyes!

-Me?

-Not you, him.

All right.

Look into my eyes, my eyes - not around the eyes. Look into my eyes.

You're under!

I never done it!

Moan-wheel, in Throttle, a lunch order is being taken.

-Can I take your order, sir?

-Yes, I'll have the wild truffle and Roquefort salad.

-Very good, sir.

-Then the poached scallops with artichoke hearts.

-Will that be all?

-Yes.

-And a bag of Monster Munch.

-And to drink?

Um Bongo.

It's naught o'clock, and at this shop in Phlem, Mr Mann is looking for a book. I read a book once.

It was called Who On Earth Is Tom Baker?

Hello, I did not know you liked books.

Hello, yes - I like books very much.

-Are you looking for anything in particular?

-Not really.

I was just wondering if you had any books on mediaeval English music between the dates 1356 - 1390.

Um...I can't see anything here.

Margaret knows all the books. One moment.

Margaret!

Margaret!

Yes?

There's a gentleman here wants to know

if we've got any books on mediaeval English music between 1356 - 1390.

Paperback or hardback?

Paperback or hardback?

Oh, you know me - I'm easy.

He says he's easy.

There should be one. Over by the Mike Gatting autobiography.

Oh, yes. Here we are.

"The History Of Medieval Music 1356-1390."

Sorry. I didn't grip in time.

Sorry. I gripped too soon that time. You may have to hold it.

Right.

Well, what do you reckon?

How many pages does it have?

Hmm...

312.

Oh, I was hoping for something along the 306 mark.

-Right.

-Do you think the author might be interested in re-writing his work to cut it down?

Maybe if you cut out all the Os, you might lose six pages there.

I don't think so, no.

Maybe I'm being too specific.

You are being a little specific, yes.

OK, have you got any books...?

-Have I got any books?

-Yes.

-Well, yes, we've got hundreds of them.

-I'll take them, please.

Oh, right!

You, er... You must really like reading.

Oh, no... Unfortunately, I'm blind.

It's five to Pamela,

and at this health spa in Trump, the guests are working hard.

And turn the page...

and rest.

Consequently, here at Hill Grange, there is a need for restructuring.

-Now you know that Jacqueline is leaving us.

-Oh, yes.

-So, from Monday...

-KNOCK ON DOOR >

-Come in.

-Hello, darling.

-Oh... Hi, Mrs De Vere.

Call me Bubbles. Everybody does.

I'm in the middle of something.

Simone, darling, would you leave me and Mr Hutton alone for a moment?

Thank you, darling. (Not a word of this to anyone.)

-We're alone.

-Have you got the cheque?

It's all here, darling - all the treatments, the food,

-bed and board for the last five months.

-Great.

-£17,300, darling.

-Thank you.

-But we don't need the cheque, do we, darling?

-Yes, we do.

No, we don't.

Because...

SHE HUMS STRIPTEASE MUSIC

< SMASH! Sorry.

SHE CONTINUES HUMMING THE TUNE

Be quick, Mr Hutton. I have a colonic at three.

Lou Todd has bought two ice creams, both for his friend Andy.

Andy?!

Andy? Where are you?!

I'm up here.

How did you get up there?

I fell.

LOU DIRECTS THEM

-Gently down.

-Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you. Oh, I was worried sick!

What a kerfuffle!

-How did he get up there?

-Well, I've absolutely no idea.

As you can see, he's not the most able-bodied person there is.

He's confined to a wheelchair, and I push that.

I'm not sure he has the strength in his arms to get up a tree.

It's a mystery!

Something for Arthur C Clarke's Mysterious World.

Toyah Willcox sang about it in her song It's A Mystery.

And I think the best thing I can do now is get him home, early bath, early to bed,

and a good idea is a nice hot warm milky drink,

like a cup of cocoa or something.

-OK... We'd better get you home, young man.

-Yeah, I know.

Thank you.

-Ooh! Did they bring the ball down as well?

-Yeah.

-That was kind of 'em.

And so, our visit to Little Britain has come to an end.

I must go now, because a man has come into the room

and he's trying to pull my clothes off.

I must just find out what he wants.

Good tie!

ANDY: Where's my Funny Foot?!