Episode 5 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain, why would you ever want to leave?

Anybody who goes on holiday abroad is a traitor.

I bloody love it here. Bloody love it!

We produce the best films, the finest cuisine,

our dogs are relatively rabies free,

and this is all thanks to the peoples of Britain.

Let us look at them in this programme in which we look at them.

Boom-boom, shake the room!

Tenpin bowling is a difficult sport, but it is easier than elevenpin bowling.

One, two, three...

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh!

Unlucky.

Right, you've got one more go.

-Maybe that ball was a bit heavy. Do you want another one?

-That one.

-OK, there you go.

-MOBILE RINGS

Oh, excuse me.

Hello. Lou Todd.

Oh, hello, Declan, how are you?

I'm taking him bowling.

Mmm, a bit of a kafuffle, but he seems to be enjoying it.

No, I'm winning - it's 75-3. I'll get him to call you back later. Ta-ra!

-Oh, you've got a strike.

-Yeah, I know.

I didn't even have to help you. Well done.

Backstage at the Blazin' Squad concert, fans are clammering to meet the band.

I myself loathe groups like Blazin' Squad. I much prefer So Solid.

Get out the way. Get out the way. Get out the way. Get out the way.

Get out the way. Get out the way! Get out the way. Get out the way!

We're here for Blazin' Squad.

-Can we see your passes?

-No, but... Yeah, but... No...

We did have passes, but Kelly burnt them,

cos Ruth told her I lit one of her Day-Glo hair scrunchies. Everyone knows her fanny goes sideways.

Yeah, I've seen it - it's like this.

-No-one's coming in without a pass.

-Mingers to the back of the queue!

-Shut up! ..No, but I'm on the list.

-What's your name?

Um...

Oh! Sony Records.

I don't think so.

My God! I can't believe you said that. I so AM on the list.

This guy from Sony saw me dancing to Mystique, and I met Cat Deeley and she's got a hairy face.

This guy from Sony said he wanted to turn me into the next Beyonce,

then I forgot because I was watching Kerry getting bumped by that bloke from Cash Converters.

-You ain't on the list.

-Shut up! ..I so am.

-I ain't letting you in.

-No, but if you don't let me in, Blazin' Squad'll give you beatings.

I've met them already actually at the Radio 1 Roadshow.

Remember? It was the time I got fingered by Chris Moyles and Haley took a dump in the sea.

I have met Blazin' Squad and they said I should come.

I'm their sister. If Rowan says I'm not, don't listen.

He's mental - he once shoved his nob through Miss Maynard's letterbox.

-You're such a liar!

-Shut up.

Look, I won't tell you again -

you're not coming in.

All right, lads,

one at a time.

The game of tennis was invented in 1982 by Dr Jonathan Tennis

when he had the idea of fusing the popular sports of badminton and swingball.

-Mixed doubles.

-Yeah.

-Those two last week were gorgeous.

-I hope these two are.

-Did you get their names?

-They're on the board - Emily and Florence.

-Oh!

-Anyone for tennis?

-Good afternoon. We're here for the mixed doubles.

-We were expecting two ladies.

-Oh, sorry.

-No, no, no. That is us, two ladies.

Right.

Just do as I do. I'm quite sure they don't suspect a thing.

-Ready, gentlemen.

-Have you got any balls?

Oh, no, we're ladies.

-Tennis balls.

-Oh! Sorry, silly me. I thought you meant bollocks.

You're with me.

All right?

Ready?

Oh! Oh!

Being a lady, I'm quite exhausted, aren't you, Florence?

Oh, yes, absolutely knackered. Time for barley water, I think.

Yes, please, Florence.

-Are you enjoying the game, Florence?

-Oh, yes, Emily, it's positively nail-biting, isn't it? Chin-chin.

-Are you going to be long?

-Right with you. We're going to have scones.

-I've had better games(!)

-Yeah, and those two have to be the strangest looking women I've ever seen.

Do you mind?

Oh!

It is almost Terry o'clock, and at this psychiatrist's office, the session is coming to an end.

I felt alone.

And that's when we started having a sexual relationship.

-And this is with Colin, your brother-in-law?

-Yes.

And what did you feel?

Um, guilt.

-Shame?

-Yes.

BEEPING

OK, we'll have to leave it there, but we'll talk more next week.

Thank you.

'Allo, it's me! You'll never guess, she's only having it off with his brother! I know! Dirty cow!

If a policeman stops a fat person and discovers chocolate, he is permitted to shoot them,

hence diet classes like this one are very popular.

Right, well, this week, Pat has lost four pounds.

-APPLAUSE

-Pigs CAN fly!

-I told you I'd lose a stone by Christmas.

-Next Christmas, maybe.

-Won't have to come here much longer.

-Won't have to put up with Marjorie any more.

-We'll see.

OK, before we go any further,

I've got to tell you Fat Fighters has brought out a brand new range of new low-calorie puddings.

They are new, and they are called Fatty Treats.

Seen the adverts? # Fatty treats Treats for the fatties! # Boink!

Anyway, what I've got is I've got normal eclairs

and I've got brand new Fat Fighters Fatty Treats eclairs. I want to see if we can tell the difference.

Can we have, please, a volunteer?

Sorry, Meera, I was just thinking of the English people.

-Pat, come and join me.

-It's all right, Marjorie.

Come on, you're the star slimmer.

(Wobble-wobble.)

Right, I'm going to put this blindfold on you,

-so no peeping.

-Oh, it's quite tight, Marjorie.

It's got to be - you fat people are devious. You ARE liars, but I mean it nicely.

OK, I've got two eclairs here. I want you to see if you can guess which is the low calorie one. Ready?

-I'm not eating puddings at the moment.

-Here we go.

Mmm.

That is nice, though. Very creamy.

OK, now try this one.

-Mmm.

-Yeah?

-Now, can you taste the difference?

-No.

No, you can't. Let me tell you, the second eclair you had was the low calorie one.

Eh? Why don't you have another? Hmm?

Go on!

There you go.

Why don't you have a second one? Go on, get 'em in your fat gob.

They're low calorie - she won't put on an ounce.

Oh, no, I've just made a mistake. Those are the full fat ones.

400 calories per eclair - she's going to explode.

Spit it out! Quickly!

All of it! Quickly! All of it! Quickly! All of it!

All of it! Quickly! Shame on you, Pat, shame on you!

You've let everyone down.

Right, well, better put a couple of them pounds back on.

See you next week.

Hang on a minute, Pat, you've just got a bit of cream in your hair.

There you go.

Off you pop.

OK, lovely. Now, I want to talk to you all about dust.

BARKING

There are many dogs in Britain. The biggest, the blue setter, is as tall as the Houses of Parliament.

The smallest, the boodle, is invisible to the naked eye.

-Hello, men.

-Hello, Mrs B, we're just having a cuppa.

-I thought I'd bring you some biscuits.

-Thanks very much.

There you go. Fetch!

Fetch!

There's a good boy. There's a good boy. Fetch!

Good boy, good boy!

Good boy, good boy. There's one, there's one. Where's the other one? Where's the other one?

Good boy! Who's a good boy?

One for you.

Beg, beg!

There's a good boy.

There's a good boy.

It is a quarter to Gran and Grandpa Moses

and Viv Tudor has been requested to attend an identity parade.

Phew!

-OK, take your time.

-Yeah.

-All right?

-Yeah.

-Let me know if you recognise anyone.

-Recognise anyone at all.

-OK?

-Yeah.

All right.

No, I don't know him.

No. No, no.

Oh, he's gorgeous! What a hunk! Look at that scar!

There's a wrong 'un, and no mistake!

-Phwoar!

-Do you recognise him?

-No, no.

No.

Oh, he's gorgeous! A dreamboat! Puts me in mind of a young Omar Sharif! He can rob my bank any day!

Phwoar!

-Was he involved in the robbery?

-No, no. Shame, but no.

Oh, he's gorgeous!

Phwoar! He can point his weapon at me any time he likes! Phwoar!

-Yeah, but was he there?

-Oh, yeah, he was the one with the gun.

-Thanks.

-You're not going to arrest him?

-Yes. You can't! Anyway, you'll never get a conviction.

-Why not?

Because he's gorgeous!

Ooh, proper gorge!

The Prime Minister is preparing for an important TV interview.

I never watch TV myself apart from Emmerdale, Corrie and EastEnders. Oh, and Hollyoaks.

Pss! Pss! Pss! Pss! Pss!

-So what are you going to ask him?

-I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise.

-Let me have a look.

-No!

Sebastian, thank you. I can handle Gavin by myself.

-Ten seconds.

-Promise me you won't mention anything about the airlines.

-Get off the set!

Three.

Good evening. The airline scandal that has engulfed the government now threatens to topple the PM.

You bitch!

He's here with me live in the studio. Prime Minister, welcome.

Good evening.

Can you explain how on Wednesday we hear the government has granted exclusive routes to Embassy Airlines,

then yesterday it emerges that the chairman of Embassy has donated over £1 million to your party?

Come on, Michael.

The two events are unrelated. Sir Brian gave that money as a private individual.

Go, Michael! Go, Michael! Go, Michael! Go, Michael!

-I do think there are a lot of unanswered questions.

-Go ahead.

-Go ahead, dear!

-Shh!

-Shh!

Would Embassy Airlines have been granted exclusive use of those routes if that donation had not been made?

-Oh, give it a rest!

-I've already answered this question in the House.

We can see that footage right now.

-Oh, here we go!

-VT for one minute.

-Would someone get that man out of the studio?

Don't worry, I'm going. I only came because I thought it'd be Paxman. He's much better looking than you!

Paxman's not better looking than me, is he?

No, you're lovely.

And that was about the same time I started seeing...

prostitutes.

Do you think that paying for sex has become an addiction?

Yes.

I do feel it's out of my control now.

It's become a compulsion?

Definitely.

OK, we've actually gone over a little, but we'll pick up on this next time.

OK.

Thanks.

You were right - prossies!

You have to laugh, don't you? I know! Dirty bastard!

It's early morning...

..and in the outskirts of Slaughter, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has spent the night with his girlfriend.

Left over right, then under!

Are you not staying for breakfast?

I would, but mother's bought some croissants,

-so I should be heading back.

-You did enjoy last night?

-Yes, the lovemaking was top notch.

Funny, I can't remember that part.

I can't find any underwear. It keeps going missing. You haven't seen any of it?

Look into my eyes! Not around the eyes! Look in my eyes! You're under.

I have not been taking your underwear home and parading up and down going, "Ooh!

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"

-Three, two, one, you're back in the room.

-I can't find that red dress - the silk one with the embroidery,

the one I wore when we went to see We Will Rock You.

Look into my eyes! Not around the eyes! Look into my eyes!

You're under. I did not steal your dress, then wear it while hoovering.

-You're back in the room.

-I can't find those stilettos.

I bought you those - if I want to wear them, I'll wear them!

-Can I take your order, sir?

-Yes, I'll have the beef carpaccio to start,

and then the brazed lamb shank.

-Any vegetables?

-Du jour.

-Very good, sir.

And a Yorkie.

Buttered.

This is a drug rehab centre in Glasga'.

I tried heroin once, but it didn't have any effect. Mind you, I was high on coke at the time.

-Give me 20 words for heroin. Go.

-H.

-Good.

-Brown.

-Good.

-Smack.

-Good.

-Dragon.

-Good. OK, that's 20. Why are you here? Because you're junkies!

You're addicts! You're scum! Get out, all of you! Out of my sight! Stay where you are.

This is the road back.

-Excuse me?

-Exactly. Who am I to be telling you about getting off drugs?

I've been there, OK! I've done it.

I've read the book, seen the film, bought the t-shirt and got sick all down it.

I know what it's like to have woken up so late because of drugs that I've missed Trisha and This Morning.

I'm sorry, but I think I'm in the wrong room. I'm actually looking for the cake decorating class.

You know what this is? This is the worst kind of junkie.

"I'm actually looking for the cake decorating class."

Maybe you are. Hundreds and thousands, desiccated coconut, and a sprinkling of cocaine!

No more lies, no more excuses! You're an addict! You're scum!

You're Laurel And Hardy the cartoon, Soda Stream cola, you're Grease 2. Go to your "cake decorating class".

Get out that door and don't come back! Stay where you are.

We're gonna help ye.

The most important word you need to learn is "no".

Spud, will you come and do a role play with me?

-Spud! Spuddy! You all right with this?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

OK, so I'm the junkie, you're the dealer - ask me if I want to buy any of the drugs.

-Do you want to buy any drugs?

-No.

It's as simple as that.

I appreciate you doing that for me, yeah? Eh?

Eh, big man? OK.

I don't want to be rude, but I am here for the cake decoration.

-It's just down the corridor.

-Next room along.

-Thank you.

Of course! They do cake decoration here on a Monday.

Sorry, it used to be Wednesdays. Let me help you.

-Thank you.

-Who wants to be sat out with all these junkies?

Do you think I'm stupid? Get back to your seat.

You're a junkie! You're a loser! You're a leech! You're a Carrot Confidential,

you're Stephen Gately's solo career, you're Carol Thatcher! Sit down!

You're going to be fine.

OK, 50 words for cocaine. Go.

-Coke.

-OK, that's 50.

At this park in Bent, Dr Lawrence has bought Dr Beagley along to observe one of his patients.

Eh! Eh! Eh!

-I don't know if you know, but Anne's a keen artist.

-Eh! Eh! Eh!

-She's getting better all the time. She likes to draw the trees and the flowers.

-Eh! Eh! Eh!

Eh! Eh! Eh!

Aw!

Oh, she's left her sketchbook behind.

Makes me very proud.

In his office in Troot,

theatrical agent Jeremy Rent

is having a very important meeting with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

So, Andrew, was it your idea to write Bergerac - The Musical?

Yes. Mine and Ben Elton's.

It was something he always wanted to do

and it's going to be even bigger than the one I did about cats...

-Cats.

-BUZZER

'Dennis Waterman here to see you.'

Lovely. Send him in.

It would be wonderful if we could get Dennis to play the part of Jim Bergerac.

Hello! I got you a doughnut.

Oh. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Who is that man?

Ah, well, this is Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Oh, yes. The brother of Julian Lloyd Webber, the famous cellist.

Hello.

I've done Bergerac - The Musical and I'd love YOU to play the title role.

Doesn't Bergerac play Bergerac?

No, he's committed to Midsomer Murders.

He's committed murders? That is wrong and bad!

Anyway, I'd be thrilled if you would consider it.

-This is the set for act 1 - Charlie Hungerford's house.

-Ooh...

Let's have a look.

Put me down.

It's an exact replica of the one in the programme.

This is great! You certainly wouldn't want it any bigger!

So you want me to star in it,

write the theme tune, sing the theme tune...

No, no. I've written all the songs.

Unless...

# I'm a policeman living in Jersey

# Do-do-do-do-do

# I have a complicated relationship with my ex-wife

# Do-do-do-do-do

# I drive an old red car

# My boss has lost his hair I'd be so good for

# Bergerac - The Musical! #

Well, it's been wonderful to meet the...

both of you.

-I do have one or two other people to see.

-Yes...

Whoaaa!

Careful!

Sorry.

All right, Dennis, safe now.

To remain competitive, banks now offer a wide range of services

including loans, insurance and, for a small fee,

they'll make love to your wife.

Yeah, that's Perry Keenan's side. I'll call him back.

Hey! Not interrupting anything, am I?

Oh, I heard you went to Prague. Did you have a nice time?

-Right. Well, you know it's my leaving do on Thursday.

-Oh, yeah.

And we're all going to go bowling and then to Bella Pasta.

-Lovely.

-We wondered if you fancied coming. We need to book a table.

Computer says will Melanie be there?

Yeah, she's coming.

Computer says no.

Right. Well, if you change your mind...

I love you.

Like many people in Britain, every other Wednesday I go gaying.

Daffyd Thomas is a full-time gay

and is on his way to his local pub for a celebration.

Hello, Daffyd. Fancy a bun?

Homophobe!

You've made me the happiest girl in the world.

I love you, Myfanwy.

And I love you too, Llianna.

Ahem.

Oh, Daffyd, you made it! We didn't think you were coming.

-Sorry I'm late. I couldn't come to the church service.

-Why not?

I'm a gay. I wouldn't be welcome.

I'm gay and I was performing a gay marriage. You'd have been welcome.

If you met a nice young man, maybe the vicar would marry you.

No, thank you. If I get married, it'll be to a woman and to a life of misery and repression.

Please yourself, dear.

Anyway, come and meet my friends.

-Everyone, this is Daffyd.

-Hello.

Yes, Daffyd Thomas, the only gay in the village...

-Actually, Daffyd, we were hoping to have a little word with you.

-Yes.

We're applying for adoption. We wondered if you'd be our referee.

Urrrrgh! But you're two great minge-munchers!

Yes.

-You can't bring up kids! It's not right!

-I'm sorry you feel that way.

Gay marriage, adoption... What's wrong with just sitting at home

in front of the TV getting moist every time Sandy Toksvig comes on?

We've moved on a bit since then.

What do lesbians do exactly? I don't get it!

-We do all sorts of things.

-Sorry, I was talking to the lesbians.

I AM a lesbian.

-What?! You're far too good-looking!

-What are you talking about?

I thought it was the ones who couldn't get boyfriends!

Piss off, you stupid little poof.

Whoa! How dare you! I will not tolerate homophobia in this village!

Good day.

Dirty fat lezzas.

In Herby,

Andy is enjoying his annual bath.

I've planned a route to Chessington. It's just straight down the A217.

So, if we get our skates on, we'll be on the log flume by lunch!

-I don't wanna go.

-You've been going on about it for weeks!

Chessington World Of Adventure this, Chessington World Of Adventure that.

-Yeah, I know.

-Where do you want to go instead?

-France.

-France?

-Yeah.

I thought you hated France. You said the French could never be forgiven

for surrendering to the German war-machine

-and collaborating with their occupiers.

-Yeah, I know.

-Chessington it is, then.

-I wanna go France.

Christ...

I wanna go Chessington.

And so we end our trip round Little Britain.

If you have enjoyed this evening's programme,

you might like to travel back in time and watch it again.

Good day.

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2004

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