Episode 5 Little Britain


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Episode 5

Matt Lucas and David Walliams take a comic look at life in Britain. Emily and Florence play tennis, while Kenny Craig has a girlfriend. With Anthony Head and Jon Culshaw.


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Transcript


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Britain, Britain, Britain, why would you ever want to leave?

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Anybody who goes on holiday abroad is a traitor.

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I bloody love it here. Bloody love it!

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We produce the best films, the finest cuisine,

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our dogs are relatively rabies free,

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and this is all thanks to the peoples of Britain.

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Let us look at them in this programme in which we look at them.

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Boom-boom, shake the room!

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Tenpin bowling is a difficult sport, but it is easier than elevenpin bowling.

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One, two, three...

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Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

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yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

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Oh!

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Unlucky.

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Right, you've got one more go.

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-Maybe that ball was a bit heavy. Do you want another one?

-That one.

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-OK, there you go.

-MOBILE RINGS

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Oh, excuse me.

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Hello. Lou Todd.

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Oh, hello, Declan, how are you?

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I'm taking him bowling.

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Mmm, a bit of a kafuffle, but he seems to be enjoying it.

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No, I'm winning - it's 75-3. I'll get him to call you back later. Ta-ra!

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-Oh, you've got a strike.

-Yeah, I know.

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I didn't even have to help you. Well done.

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Backstage at the Blazin' Squad concert, fans are clammering to meet the band.

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I myself loathe groups like Blazin' Squad. I much prefer So Solid.

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Get out the way. Get out the way. Get out the way. Get out the way.

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Get out the way. Get out the way! Get out the way. Get out the way!

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We're here for Blazin' Squad.

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-Can we see your passes?

-No, but... Yeah, but... No...

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We did have passes, but Kelly burnt them,

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cos Ruth told her I lit one of her Day-Glo hair scrunchies. Everyone knows her fanny goes sideways.

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Yeah, I've seen it - it's like this.

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-No-one's coming in without a pass.

-Mingers to the back of the queue!

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-Shut up! ..No, but I'm on the list.

-What's your name?

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Um...

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Oh! Sony Records.

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I don't think so.

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My God! I can't believe you said that. I so AM on the list.

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This guy from Sony saw me dancing to Mystique, and I met Cat Deeley and she's got a hairy face.

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This guy from Sony said he wanted to turn me into the next Beyonce,

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then I forgot because I was watching Kerry getting bumped by that bloke from Cash Converters.

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-You ain't on the list.

-Shut up! ..I so am.

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-I ain't letting you in.

-No, but if you don't let me in, Blazin' Squad'll give you beatings.

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I've met them already actually at the Radio 1 Roadshow.

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Remember? It was the time I got fingered by Chris Moyles and Haley took a dump in the sea.

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I have met Blazin' Squad and they said I should come.

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I'm their sister. If Rowan says I'm not, don't listen.

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He's mental - he once shoved his nob through Miss Maynard's letterbox.

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-You're such a liar!

-Shut up.

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Look, I won't tell you again -

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you're not coming in.

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All right, lads,

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one at a time.

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The game of tennis was invented in 1982 by Dr Jonathan Tennis

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when he had the idea of fusing the popular sports of badminton and swingball.

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-Mixed doubles.

-Yeah.

-Those two last week were gorgeous.

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-I hope these two are.

-Did you get their names?

-They're on the board - Emily and Florence.

-Oh!

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-Anyone for tennis?

-Good afternoon. We're here for the mixed doubles.

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-We were expecting two ladies.

-Oh, sorry.

-No, no, no. That is us, two ladies.

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Right.

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Just do as I do. I'm quite sure they don't suspect a thing.

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-Ready, gentlemen.

-Have you got any balls?

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Oh, no, we're ladies.

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-Tennis balls.

-Oh! Sorry, silly me. I thought you meant bollocks.

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You're with me.

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All right?

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Ready?

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Oh! Oh!

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Being a lady, I'm quite exhausted, aren't you, Florence?

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Oh, yes, absolutely knackered. Time for barley water, I think.

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Yes, please, Florence.

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-Are you enjoying the game, Florence?

-Oh, yes, Emily, it's positively nail-biting, isn't it? Chin-chin.

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-Are you going to be long?

-Right with you. We're going to have scones.

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-I've had better games(!)

-Yeah, and those two have to be the strangest looking women I've ever seen.

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Do you mind?

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Oh!

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It is almost Terry o'clock, and at this psychiatrist's office, the session is coming to an end.

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I felt alone.

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And that's when we started having a sexual relationship.

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-And this is with Colin, your brother-in-law?

-Yes.

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And what did you feel?

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Um, guilt.

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-Shame?

-Yes.

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BEEPING

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OK, we'll have to leave it there, but we'll talk more next week.

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Thank you.

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'Allo, it's me! You'll never guess, she's only having it off with his brother! I know! Dirty cow!

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If a policeman stops a fat person and discovers chocolate, he is permitted to shoot them,

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hence diet classes like this one are very popular.

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Right, well, this week, Pat has lost four pounds.

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-APPLAUSE

-Pigs CAN fly!

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-I told you I'd lose a stone by Christmas.

-Next Christmas, maybe.

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-Won't have to come here much longer.

-Won't have to put up with Marjorie any more.

-We'll see.

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OK, before we go any further,

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I've got to tell you Fat Fighters has brought out a brand new range of new low-calorie puddings.

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They are new, and they are called Fatty Treats.

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Seen the adverts? # Fatty treats Treats for the fatties! # Boink!

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Anyway, what I've got is I've got normal eclairs

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and I've got brand new Fat Fighters Fatty Treats eclairs. I want to see if we can tell the difference.

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Can we have, please, a volunteer?

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Sorry, Meera, I was just thinking of the English people.

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-Pat, come and join me.

-It's all right, Marjorie.

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Come on, you're the star slimmer.

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(Wobble-wobble.)

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Right, I'm going to put this blindfold on you,

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-so no peeping.

-Oh, it's quite tight, Marjorie.

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It's got to be - you fat people are devious. You ARE liars, but I mean it nicely.

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OK, I've got two eclairs here. I want you to see if you can guess which is the low calorie one. Ready?

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-I'm not eating puddings at the moment.

-Here we go.

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Mmm.

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That is nice, though. Very creamy.

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OK, now try this one.

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-Mmm.

-Yeah?

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-Now, can you taste the difference?

-No.

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No, you can't. Let me tell you, the second eclair you had was the low calorie one.

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Eh? Why don't you have another? Hmm?

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Go on!

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There you go.

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Why don't you have a second one? Go on, get 'em in your fat gob.

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They're low calorie - she won't put on an ounce.

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Oh, no, I've just made a mistake. Those are the full fat ones.

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400 calories per eclair - she's going to explode.

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Spit it out! Quickly!

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All of it! Quickly! All of it! Quickly! All of it!

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All of it! Quickly! Shame on you, Pat, shame on you!

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You've let everyone down.

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Right, well, better put a couple of them pounds back on.

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See you next week.

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Hang on a minute, Pat, you've just got a bit of cream in your hair.

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There you go.

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Off you pop.

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OK, lovely. Now, I want to talk to you all about dust.

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BARKING

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There are many dogs in Britain. The biggest, the blue setter, is as tall as the Houses of Parliament.

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The smallest, the boodle, is invisible to the naked eye.

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-Hello, men.

-Hello, Mrs B, we're just having a cuppa.

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-I thought I'd bring you some biscuits.

-Thanks very much.

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There you go. Fetch!

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Fetch!

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There's a good boy. There's a good boy. Fetch!

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Good boy, good boy!

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Good boy, good boy. There's one, there's one. Where's the other one? Where's the other one?

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Good boy! Who's a good boy?

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One for you.

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Beg, beg!

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There's a good boy.

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There's a good boy.

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It is a quarter to Gran and Grandpa Moses

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and Viv Tudor has been requested to attend an identity parade.

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Phew!

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-OK, take your time.

-Yeah.

-All right?

-Yeah.

-Let me know if you recognise anyone.

-Recognise anyone at all.

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-OK?

-Yeah.

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All right.

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No, I don't know him.

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No. No, no.

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Oh, he's gorgeous! What a hunk! Look at that scar!

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There's a wrong 'un, and no mistake!

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-Phwoar!

-Do you recognise him?

-No, no.

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No.

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Oh, he's gorgeous! A dreamboat! Puts me in mind of a young Omar Sharif! He can rob my bank any day!

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Phwoar!

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-Was he involved in the robbery?

-No, no. Shame, but no.

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Oh, he's gorgeous!

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Phwoar! He can point his weapon at me any time he likes! Phwoar!

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-Yeah, but was he there?

-Oh, yeah, he was the one with the gun.

-Thanks.

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-You're not going to arrest him?

-Yes. You can't! Anyway, you'll never get a conviction.

-Why not?

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Because he's gorgeous!

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Ooh, proper gorge!

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The Prime Minister is preparing for an important TV interview.

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I never watch TV myself apart from Emmerdale, Corrie and EastEnders. Oh, and Hollyoaks.

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Pss! Pss! Pss! Pss! Pss!

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-So what are you going to ask him?

-I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise.

-Let me have a look.

-No!

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Sebastian, thank you. I can handle Gavin by myself.

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-Ten seconds.

-Promise me you won't mention anything about the airlines.

-Get off the set!

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Three.

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Good evening. The airline scandal that has engulfed the government now threatens to topple the PM.

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You bitch!

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He's here with me live in the studio. Prime Minister, welcome.

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Good evening.

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Can you explain how on Wednesday we hear the government has granted exclusive routes to Embassy Airlines,

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then yesterday it emerges that the chairman of Embassy has donated over £1 million to your party?

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Come on, Michael.

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The two events are unrelated. Sir Brian gave that money as a private individual.

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Go, Michael! Go, Michael! Go, Michael! Go, Michael!

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-I do think there are a lot of unanswered questions.

-Go ahead.

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-Go ahead, dear!

-Shh!

-Shh!

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Would Embassy Airlines have been granted exclusive use of those routes if that donation had not been made?

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-Oh, give it a rest!

-I've already answered this question in the House.

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We can see that footage right now.

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-Oh, here we go!

-VT for one minute.

-Would someone get that man out of the studio?

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Don't worry, I'm going. I only came because I thought it'd be Paxman. He's much better looking than you!

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Paxman's not better looking than me, is he?

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No, you're lovely.

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And that was about the same time I started seeing...

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prostitutes.

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Do you think that paying for sex has become an addiction?

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Yes.

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I do feel it's out of my control now.

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It's become a compulsion?

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Definitely.

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OK, we've actually gone over a little, but we'll pick up on this next time.

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OK.

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Thanks.

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You were right - prossies!

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You have to laugh, don't you? I know! Dirty bastard!

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It's early morning...

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..and in the outskirts of Slaughter, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has spent the night with his girlfriend.

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Left over right, then under!

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Are you not staying for breakfast?

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I would, but mother's bought some croissants,

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-so I should be heading back.

-You did enjoy last night?

-Yes, the lovemaking was top notch.

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Funny, I can't remember that part.

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I can't find any underwear. It keeps going missing. You haven't seen any of it?

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Look into my eyes! Not around the eyes! Look in my eyes! You're under.

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I have not been taking your underwear home and parading up and down going, "Ooh!

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"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"

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-Three, two, one, you're back in the room.

-I can't find that red dress - the silk one with the embroidery,

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the one I wore when we went to see We Will Rock You.

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Look into my eyes! Not around the eyes! Look into my eyes!

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You're under. I did not steal your dress, then wear it while hoovering.

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-You're back in the room.

-I can't find those stilettos.

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I bought you those - if I want to wear them, I'll wear them!

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-Can I take your order, sir?

-Yes, I'll have the beef carpaccio to start,

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and then the brazed lamb shank.

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-Any vegetables?

-Du jour.

-Very good, sir.

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And a Yorkie.

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Buttered.

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This is a drug rehab centre in Glasga'.

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I tried heroin once, but it didn't have any effect. Mind you, I was high on coke at the time.

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-Give me 20 words for heroin. Go.

-H.

-Good.

-Brown.

-Good.

-Smack.

-Good.

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-Dragon.

-Good. OK, that's 20. Why are you here? Because you're junkies!

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You're addicts! You're scum! Get out, all of you! Out of my sight! Stay where you are.

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This is the road back.

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-Excuse me?

-Exactly. Who am I to be telling you about getting off drugs?

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I've been there, OK! I've done it.

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I've read the book, seen the film, bought the t-shirt and got sick all down it.

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I know what it's like to have woken up so late because of drugs that I've missed Trisha and This Morning.

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I'm sorry, but I think I'm in the wrong room. I'm actually looking for the cake decorating class.

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You know what this is? This is the worst kind of junkie.

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"I'm actually looking for the cake decorating class."

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Maybe you are. Hundreds and thousands, desiccated coconut, and a sprinkling of cocaine!

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No more lies, no more excuses! You're an addict! You're scum!

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You're Laurel And Hardy the cartoon, Soda Stream cola, you're Grease 2. Go to your "cake decorating class".

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Get out that door and don't come back! Stay where you are.

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We're gonna help ye.

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The most important word you need to learn is "no".

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Spud, will you come and do a role play with me?

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-Spud! Spuddy! You all right with this?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

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OK, so I'm the junkie, you're the dealer - ask me if I want to buy any of the drugs.

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-Do you want to buy any drugs?

-No.

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It's as simple as that.

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I appreciate you doing that for me, yeah? Eh?

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Eh, big man? OK.

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I don't want to be rude, but I am here for the cake decoration.

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-It's just down the corridor.

-Next room along.

-Thank you.

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Of course! They do cake decoration here on a Monday.

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Sorry, it used to be Wednesdays. Let me help you.

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-Thank you.

-Who wants to be sat out with all these junkies?

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Do you think I'm stupid? Get back to your seat.

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You're a junkie! You're a loser! You're a leech! You're a Carrot Confidential,

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you're Stephen Gately's solo career, you're Carol Thatcher! Sit down!

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You're going to be fine.

0:19:120:19:14

OK, 50 words for cocaine. Go.

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-Coke.

-OK, that's 50.

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At this park in Bent, Dr Lawrence has bought Dr Beagley along to observe one of his patients.

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Eh! Eh! Eh!

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-I don't know if you know, but Anne's a keen artist.

-Eh! Eh! Eh!

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-She's getting better all the time. She likes to draw the trees and the flowers.

-Eh! Eh! Eh!

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Eh! Eh! Eh!

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Aw!

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Oh, she's left her sketchbook behind.

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Makes me very proud.

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In his office in Troot,

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theatrical agent Jeremy Rent

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is having a very important meeting with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

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So, Andrew, was it your idea to write Bergerac - The Musical?

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Yes. Mine and Ben Elton's.

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It was something he always wanted to do

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and it's going to be even bigger than the one I did about cats...

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-Cats.

-BUZZER

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'Dennis Waterman here to see you.'

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Lovely. Send him in.

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It would be wonderful if we could get Dennis to play the part of Jim Bergerac.

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Hello! I got you a doughnut.

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Oh. Thank you very much.

0:20:400:20:42

Thank you.

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Who is that man?

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Ah, well, this is Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

0:20:520:20:55

Oh, yes. The brother of Julian Lloyd Webber, the famous cellist.

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Hello.

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I've done Bergerac - The Musical and I'd love YOU to play the title role.

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Doesn't Bergerac play Bergerac?

0:21:090:21:12

No, he's committed to Midsomer Murders.

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He's committed murders? That is wrong and bad!

0:21:140:21:18

Anyway, I'd be thrilled if you would consider it.

0:21:190:21:22

-This is the set for act 1 - Charlie Hungerford's house.

-Ooh...

0:21:220:21:26

Let's have a look.

0:21:270:21:29

Put me down.

0:21:340:21:36

It's an exact replica of the one in the programme.

0:21:390:21:43

This is great! You certainly wouldn't want it any bigger!

0:21:430:21:48

So you want me to star in it,

0:21:480:21:50

write the theme tune, sing the theme tune...

0:21:500:21:53

No, no. I've written all the songs.

0:21:530:21:55

Unless...

0:21:570:21:59

# I'm a policeman living in Jersey

0:21:590:22:02

# Do-do-do-do-do

0:22:020:22:04

# I have a complicated relationship with my ex-wife

0:22:040:22:08

# Do-do-do-do-do

0:22:080:22:09

# I drive an old red car

0:22:090:22:11

# My boss has lost his hair I'd be so good for

0:22:110:22:14

# Bergerac - The Musical! #

0:22:140:22:17

Well, it's been wonderful to meet the...

0:22:170:22:20

both of you.

0:22:200:22:22

-I do have one or two other people to see.

-Yes...

0:22:220:22:26

Whoaaa!

0:22:270:22:29

Careful!

0:22:320:22:34

Sorry.

0:22:340:22:36

All right, Dennis, safe now.

0:22:360:22:39

To remain competitive, banks now offer a wide range of services

0:22:430:22:47

including loans, insurance and, for a small fee,

0:22:470:22:50

they'll make love to your wife.

0:22:500:22:52

Yeah, that's Perry Keenan's side. I'll call him back.

0:22:580:23:01

Hey! Not interrupting anything, am I?

0:23:020:23:05

Oh, I heard you went to Prague. Did you have a nice time?

0:23:070:23:10

-Right. Well, you know it's my leaving do on Thursday.

-Oh, yeah.

0:23:120:23:17

And we're all going to go bowling and then to Bella Pasta.

0:23:170:23:21

-Lovely.

-We wondered if you fancied coming. We need to book a table.

0:23:210:23:24

Computer says will Melanie be there?

0:23:260:23:29

Yeah, she's coming.

0:23:290:23:31

Computer says no.

0:23:330:23:36

Right. Well, if you change your mind...

0:23:420:23:45

I love you.

0:23:470:23:49

Like many people in Britain, every other Wednesday I go gaying.

0:23:510:23:55

Daffyd Thomas is a full-time gay

0:23:550:23:58

and is on his way to his local pub for a celebration.

0:23:580:24:01

Hello, Daffyd. Fancy a bun?

0:24:010:24:03

Homophobe!

0:24:030:24:05

You've made me the happiest girl in the world.

0:24:090:24:12

I love you, Myfanwy.

0:24:120:24:14

And I love you too, Llianna.

0:24:140:24:16

Ahem.

0:24:250:24:26

Oh, Daffyd, you made it! We didn't think you were coming.

0:24:260:24:30

-Sorry I'm late. I couldn't come to the church service.

-Why not?

0:24:300:24:35

I'm a gay. I wouldn't be welcome.

0:24:350:24:37

I'm gay and I was performing a gay marriage. You'd have been welcome.

0:24:370:24:41

If you met a nice young man, maybe the vicar would marry you.

0:24:410:24:45

No, thank you. If I get married, it'll be to a woman and to a life of misery and repression.

0:24:450:24:50

Please yourself, dear.

0:24:500:24:52

Anyway, come and meet my friends.

0:24:520:24:55

-Everyone, this is Daffyd.

-Hello.

0:24:560:24:58

Yes, Daffyd Thomas, the only gay in the village...

0:24:580:25:02

-Actually, Daffyd, we were hoping to have a little word with you.

-Yes.

0:25:020:25:07

We're applying for adoption. We wondered if you'd be our referee.

0:25:070:25:11

Urrrrgh! But you're two great minge-munchers!

0:25:110:25:16

Yes.

0:25:160:25:18

-You can't bring up kids! It's not right!

-I'm sorry you feel that way.

0:25:180:25:23

Gay marriage, adoption... What's wrong with just sitting at home

0:25:230:25:27

in front of the TV getting moist every time Sandy Toksvig comes on?

0:25:270:25:31

We've moved on a bit since then.

0:25:310:25:34

What do lesbians do exactly? I don't get it!

0:25:340:25:39

-We do all sorts of things.

-Sorry, I was talking to the lesbians.

0:25:390:25:43

I AM a lesbian.

0:25:430:25:45

-What?! You're far too good-looking!

-What are you talking about?

0:25:450:25:50

I thought it was the ones who couldn't get boyfriends!

0:25:500:25:53

Piss off, you stupid little poof.

0:25:530:25:56

Whoa! How dare you! I will not tolerate homophobia in this village!

0:25:560:26:01

Good day.

0:26:010:26:03

Dirty fat lezzas.

0:26:030:26:05

In Herby,

0:26:070:26:11

Andy is enjoying his annual bath.

0:26:110:26:14

I've planned a route to Chessington. It's just straight down the A217.

0:26:140:26:19

So, if we get our skates on, we'll be on the log flume by lunch!

0:26:190:26:24

-I don't wanna go.

-You've been going on about it for weeks!

0:26:240:26:28

Chessington World Of Adventure this, Chessington World Of Adventure that.

0:26:280:26:32

-Yeah, I know.

-Where do you want to go instead?

0:26:320:26:36

-France.

-France?

-Yeah.

0:26:360:26:39

I thought you hated France. You said the French could never be forgiven

0:26:390:26:44

for surrendering to the German war-machine

0:26:440:26:48

-and collaborating with their occupiers.

-Yeah, I know.

0:26:480:26:51

-Chessington it is, then.

-I wanna go France.

0:26:510:26:54

Christ...

0:26:540:26:57

I wanna go Chessington.

0:27:020:27:05

And so we end our trip round Little Britain.

0:27:110:27:15

If you have enjoyed this evening's programme,

0:27:150:27:19

you might like to travel back in time and watch it again.

0:27:190:27:23

Good day.

0:27:230:27:26

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2004

0:27:260:27:29

E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk

0:27:290:27:32