Episode 6 Little Britain


Episode 6

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Transcript


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Contains some strong language.

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I love Britain so much, that every day I sacrifice a child in honour of it.

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So thank the Lord, who incidentally is British, for the great things he has brought to this land -

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Take A Break, Spearmint Rhino

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and Findus crispy pancakes.

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But also, let us give thanks for the people of Britain,

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and it is them whom we'll be doing looking at today.

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Boogaloo!

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Today, Lou has arranged for Andy to go on a blind date.

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I went on a blind date once, with a border collie.

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Nothing came of it, but we stay in touch.

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-Can I have one of them chips?

-No.

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-Please.

-No, should've got your own.

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-I only had enough for one.

-Yeah, I know.

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-It doesn't matter - I don't want any chips now, anyway.

-Nor do I.

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Are you excited about this date?

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-Yeah... What date?

-The date.

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-I set you up on a date with a lady.

-Yeah, I know.

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Her name is Francesca,

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and I said we'd meet her at the steps at five sharp.

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Oh, she's early. Hello, Francesca, how are you?

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-Very well, thanks.

-That's good.

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-This is Andy, who I was telling you about.

-Hello, Andy.

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I don't want that one!

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Why not?

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She's in a wheelchair.

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-I know she's in a wheelchair.

-I don't like her.

-It's early days.

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I'll leave you two alone. You don't need me here playing raspberry.

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Have a lovely time.

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Well, Andy, I've heard a lot about you.

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SHE SCREAMS

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SHE SCREAMS

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This programme contains some strong language.

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In Darkly Noone, Vicky Pollard's gang are keen to get on with their day's robbing.

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-Where is Vicky? She is so supposed to be here by now.

-She's got that black boyfriend now.

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She has well changed since she's gone with Jermain.

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-Take your time, Vicky(!)

-Where've you been?

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JAMAICAN ACCENT: No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no

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cos there somethin' happenin' I don't know nothin' about. Shut up

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-and don't give me evil, cos me an' my man Jermain just been behind the waterslide makin' baby.

-So...

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you coming down Woolies later?

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Me don't know. Me might just hang with me man Jermain and cooking up some chicken an' rice an' peas

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but yeah, but no, but yeah, but it's up to Jermain now cos me his bitch.

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PLUMMY VOICE: Victoria, I'm just happy to go with the flow.

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Me man has spoken.

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Woolies it is.

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Meaning-while, at this restaurant in Chafe...

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The rocket salad. Thank you.

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-So, you still haven't heard from Alistair?

-No, I think he's gone back to that Sacha.

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Sorry...

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Well, I've been wanting to introduce you to my friend Jonathan.

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Oh, yes?

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He's single, works in the city, he's got a lovely Docklands apartment.

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Oh, he's doing well for himself?

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-Yes, just bought a place in Provence.

-Sounds wonderful.

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I think I've got a picture of him.

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Oh, looks lovely.

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Christianity is one of the most popular religions in Britain, with over 80 members.

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Please be seated.

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Now, as you know, the Reverend Hartley is on an exchange trip to Harlem in New York,

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so they've sent their reverend here to take the service this week.

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Now, I imagine he's a little nervous,

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so I want you all to make him feel very welcome.

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His name is Reverend Jesse King.

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HALLELUJAH!

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I...is from the ghetto!

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You...

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is from the ghetto!

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We is all from the ghetto!

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But how we gonna get outta the ghetto? I tell you how you is gonna get outta the ghetto!

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We is gonna fight the power!

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Fight the power!

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Fight the power.

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What we gonna do, momma?

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Fight the power, perhaps?

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Praise the Lord.

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Hallelujah!

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Say, "Praise be to Jesus!" CONGREGATION MUTTER

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Say, "Praise be to the Lord!"

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ALL: (Praise be to the Lord.)

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Say, "Hi-de-hi-de-hi!"

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ALL: Hi-de-hi-de-hi.

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Say, "Ho-de-ho-de-ho!" ALL: Ho-de-ho-de-ho.

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Go, go, go to the holiday rock! Praise the Lord. Amen. ALL: Amen...

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Now it is time to call upon Lord Jesus to come amongst us today

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and heal the sick and the lame.

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Anyone here who can't walk?

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Can't do that?

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Anyone here with leprosy?

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Any lepers in the house?

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-Brother, what be your sickness?

-Oh, I'm fine. Just a slight cough.

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Come and join me, brother. Jesus will cure you.

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Excuse me while I talk in tongues for a moment.

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Anno-hey-whoa-whoa!

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Anno-hey-woo-woo!

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HIGH-PITCHED WARBLING

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Clear?

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Still a bit tickly.

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Try these.

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He can walk! Hallelujah!

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Praise the Lord!

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There is no greater shame in Britain than being fat.

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I had a fat son, who naturally I gave up for adoption.

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He's written to me several times saying he's lost weight

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and would like to meet up, but I'm not interested.

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-What the hell's all this?

-You know me and Pat have gotten engaged?

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-Yeah.

-We booked the hall for a party.

-We've been setting up all afternoon.

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Looks cheap. OK...

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so, let's start with... Hang on, I don't remember getting my invitation.

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Oh, well it was just, you know, close friends and family.

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-Roy, you're going, are you?

-Yes.

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-You?

-Yes.

-Are you going?

-Yes.

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-Mary, are you going?

-Yes.

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-Sorry?

-Yes.

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-Do it again.

-Yes!

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-No, do it again.

-Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

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Was that a "yes" or...? We'll never know.

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You need an interpreter, really.

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-And all this food's for the party?

-Yeah.

-What are these?

-Vol-au-vents.

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Come on! I did vol-au-vents last week! Am I wasting my time?!

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-They're calorie hotspots!

-Marjorie!

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I'm only thinking of you. You've got your wedding day coming up, I want to see you down to a size 30.

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-What are these?

-Mini chipolatas.

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Why don't you just stick shit through my letter box, huh?!

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And what the HELL is this supposed to be?

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I made it - it's banoffi pie.

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DEEP VOICE: "I made it - it's banoffi pie."

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You Tanya, are playing Russian roulade with these people's lives! If one of these fatties has a bite,

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they could drop down dead. Shame on you! Boo, hiss, boo!

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We're just trying to have a party, Marjorie.

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Yeah, you're right. What was I thinking?

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Let's not worry about Fat Fighters today. Have a lovely time and I wish you all the best for the future.

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Today, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig's three-date national tour has arrived in Snitch.

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Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome hypnotist extraordinaire,

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Kenny-y-y-y-y-y-y...

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Craig-g-g-g-g-g-g-g!

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Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much indeed!

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Welcome to the show!

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Look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes. Don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes.

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You're under.

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In one hour, I will click my fingers and you will all believe you have witnessed a superb hypnotic show

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that was much better than Paul McKenna and Derren Whatsisname and you will tell your friends.

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Hold the thought.

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With this afternoon's Welsh Gay Rugby League match over,

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local fruit Daffyd Thomas is heading off to the pub.

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-Hello, Daffyd.

-Yeah, I'm gay! Get over it!

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-There you go, Farmer Hughes.

-Thank you, my love.

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Ten Bacardi and Cokes, please.

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-Coming right up.

-In you come, fellas.

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Come on, lads.

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Get in here.

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So, who are all this lot, then?

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-They're from Bangor.

-Oh, right.

-Llandewi Breffi played them today in the Gay Rugby League.

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-Who won?

-Bangor...96-nil.

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So what's happened to all our lot?

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No, it's just me, you see. As you know, I am the only gay in the village.

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It's funny, I was in here last week - you couldn't move for cock.

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Yeah, it was non-stop bum fun.

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-No, you're quite wrong.

-I'd love to have played but I never heard nothing about it.

-It was a gay team.

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Well, I've tugged the odd todger in my time.

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-Yes, thank you, Farmer Hughes.

-Excuse me, excuse me.

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-I'm a good winger.

-But you're married.

-But I'm always cottaging.

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-What about your wife?

-She don't mind. She's bi-curious herself.

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Disgusting!

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So, which toilets do you use, then?

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The one in the park, of course.

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Oh, yes, I thought I'd seen you through the glory hole.

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I think I'm a bit old now for rugby,

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but I'm a big fan of fist.

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Is there nobody in this pub who isn't gay?!

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Well, I indulged in mutual masturbation when I was younger. Does that count?

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What about you, Mr Jenkins?

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Well, since I've retired, I've discovered the joys of rimming.

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Right...

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That is it! I've had it with this village!

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-I'm leaving. Goodbye!

-< Where are you going?

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As far away as possible. To a place where gay people are not welcome - where I am the only one.

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-Where?

-I've got two uncles in San Francisco. I'll go there!

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O-O-Oh...

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Oh, so he's in the army.

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Oh.

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Huh!

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Oh, yeah. 3,2,1 - you're back in the room.

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Thank you. Thank you very much indeed. You've been a great audience.

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Thank you very much. Don't forget to tell your friends. Good night.

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She's taking bloody ages with these drinks. Oh! Thank you very much.

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-It's a shame about Jonathan.

-He just talked about himself the whole night.

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-There's a good friend of mine - Rupert. Have you met Rupert?

-I don't think so.

-He's a friend of Simon's.

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-He's just split up with his girlfriend.

-What's he like?

-He's lovely - very good looking.

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He's an architect. I've got a picture of him, I think.

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Oh, yes.

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Looks familiar.

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-He was at Harriet's wedding.

-Did he have longer hair?

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Before you can get divorced in Britain, you need to get married.

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For Harvey and Jane, the big day has finally arrived.

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THEY FINISH SINGING HYMN

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Now it is time... for Jane and Harvey...

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to make their wedding vows.

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Do you...

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Harvey Tobias Jerome Pincher

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take Jane Louise Edwards to be your lawful wedded wife?

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Bitty.

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I'm sorry?

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Bitty.

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(It's "I do.")

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I know, but...hungry for bitty.

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-Come on, Harvey. We fed you on the way here.

-We're eating in an hour.

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-Want me to go?

-No, no, no, Mummy.

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I'm terribly sorry. It's a lovely service.

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-SLURPING

-Carry on.

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I... Do you...um...

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take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

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I do.

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And do you Jane Louise Edwards take...

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this...

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..man

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to be your lawful wedded husband?

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Um...

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I do.

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Then I declare you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

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In Troot, theatrical agent Jeremy Rent is working hard for his stellar list of clients.

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Hello, this is a message for the editor of OK! Magazine.

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Jeremy Rent here. My client Liza Goddard has just had a new loft extension.

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I am offering you an exclusive on it for £30.

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I look forward to hearing from you. Goodbye.

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-INTERCOM BUZZES

-'Dennis Waterman here to see you.'

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Lovely. Send him in.

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Hello!

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-It's raining cats and dogs out there.

-Hello, Dennis.

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Let me take that from you.

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Yes, you sound a bit bunged up.

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Bit of a cold.

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-Have a tissue.

-Have you not got any man-size?

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No.

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HE BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY

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I've had a call from George Lucas.

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-Oh, the man who done Howard The Duck?

-Um...yes...

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-and Star Wars.

-Oh, he done that as well?

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Anyway, he's making a brand new Star Wars film

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-and he wants you to be Obi-Wan's cousin Kenneth Kenobe.

-That's nice!

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So, you want me to star in it, write the theme tune and sing it?

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-They've already got their own music.

-Tell them to get stuffed!

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Dennis, Star Wars is a very big deal and could make you an awful lot of money.

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They can even make an action figure of you, like this.

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Woo!

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Life-size!

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Well?

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# In a galaxy far away in space

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-# Do-do-do-do... #

-Dennis...

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# ..Bad men are taking over space

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-# Do-do-do-do... #

-Dennis...

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# ..I've got a good idea

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# Just you keep me near

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# I'll be so good for the rebel alliance! #

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Obviously, it will sound a bit better on the day,

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-I'm a still bit snotty.

-Here. Try this.

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Man, that's good!

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It's half past Wilhelm, and at this health spa, Mr Hutton is taking an important meeting.

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Meetings are when people who need to meet, meet and have a meeting.

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Mr Hutton, a word!

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Mrs De Vere, I'm in the middle of a meeting.

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-What's this thing you've been telling Gina that I'm not allowed any more treatments until my bill's paid?

-Yes.

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This is the lady who's bill has been unpaid for five months now.

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Why don't you take a photo? It'll last longer!

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-Mrs De Vere, would you please leave?

-Aren't you going to introduce me?

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This is Mrs De Vere.

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-Call me Bubbles.

-This is Mr Byford, he's head of accounts,

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Mr Shah in charge of our legal side, this is Miss Crozier,

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and this is Sir Anthony Garfield, who's the owner.

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Oh, the owner!

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Oh, Sir Tony!

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It is a great pleasure to make your acquaintance.

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Hello.

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Champagne!

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So, Sir Tony, what sort of qualities do you look for in a woman?

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You're sitting on my report.

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I do apologise.

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This more comfortable?

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No!

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-Mrs De Vere, will you please leave?

-Very well!

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Oh!

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You've dropped your pen.

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I'm winking, darling.

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Get out!

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(Meet me in the Jacuzzi in 15 minutes.)

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It's nought o'clock, and at this shop in Phlegm,

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a man is looking for a record.

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I myself own two records - both "No Parlez" by Paul Young.

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Hello, how can...?

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I would like to purchase a record of James Last playing the hits of Nelly Furtado...

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on the banjo.

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And I would like a picture on the front of James Last displaying his hands with stigmata.

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Certainly.

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Thank you.

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-Does it have the sleeve notes by Dr Graham Garden?

-Yes.

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Thank you. So, think you'll see Rupert again?

0:19:480:19:52

-No, thank you.

-Well, did you ever meet Simon's brother Tom?

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-No, I don't think I did.

-I think I've got a picture of them together somewhere.

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Oh, yes.

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I can see the family resemblance.

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Today, the charming village of Pox is host to a bring and buy sale.

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Last year's bring and buy sale was very successful and raised over £1.20.

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-Slow today, isn't it?

-Yes.

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-Oh, hello!

-Brown Owl's wondering if you'd like a gingerbread man each?

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Oh, how very nice!

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-Thank you.

-Look.

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Mmm... Oh, delicious. Did you make these?

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No, Aneesha did.

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No, Maggie, please. She's just a child!

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So, did you talk to Valerie about the Barnardo's job?

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Run along!

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At Number 10, the government is celebrating another election victory. I love an election!

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In fact, I'm having one right now.

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MUSIC: "Things Can Only Get Better" by D:Ream

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Here's to a third term! THEY CHEER

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-You did it!

-WE did it!

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What about ME?

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Sebastian, thank you. You know I couldn't have done it without you.

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MUSIC: "Careless Whisper" by George Michael

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# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-o... #

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-Um...

-This is nice, isn't it?

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Uh... Uh...

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Yes, it's...it's going to be a very hectic day tomorrow.

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I'm going to need your help, shepherding all the MPs...

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Shh...shh...

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23 new members. It's going to be quite...

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Shh-h-h-h-h-h-h...

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Prime Minister, I'd just like to say...

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Oh! Ah!

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Don't fight it, Prime Minister.

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This is a very, very long song, isn't it?

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MUSIC CHANGES TO DANCE TRACK

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I'll be back in a while, I'm going to talk to the Chancellor.

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SEBASTIAN SOBS

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SOBS LOUDER

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Sebastian, are you...all right?

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Yeah, I'm fine! I'm fine!

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I...

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I don't want to speak out of turn,

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but do you perhaps have the slightest...

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crush on me?

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FORCED LAUGH

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What ever gave you that idea? No, I just wanted to say well done.

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Oh, thank you.

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Well done!

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Oh, hello!

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As a special treat, Lou has taken Andy to the popular coastal town of Sphincter-On-Sea.

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Right, tell me when.

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Fine.

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Fine.

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Fine.

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CRUNCH Fine.

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CAR HORN BLARES

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-I want to go swimming.

-Oh, no. Not today.

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It's very cold in there and I need someone else to help get you in and out,

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-and I haven't even brought my trunks so it's be a right kerfuffle.

-I wanna go swimming.

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I thought you didn't like swimming in the sea. You said the sea was a dark and brutal force

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-that had dragged many an innocent to a watery grave.

-Yeah, I know.

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You stay there, I'll go and get you a choc ice.

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Hello, Mr choc ice fella, what sorts of choc ice have you got today?

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Plain chocolate and milk chocolate?

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And what's the main difference between the two?

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The milk one is creamier? It's sweeter, isn't it?

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-The plain chocolate...

-The plain chocolate has a darker, bitter edge to it.

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It's not to everybody's taste, but some people prefer the plain.

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It's very interesting, that.

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-If you had to pick between the two, what would you choose?

-Plain.

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You'd choose the plain one? Well, let's try one plain one, then.

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OK. There.

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Oh, that's a nice one.

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That's the best choc ice you can get. Thanks a lot.

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There you go.

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Is there a reason why you're naked?

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And so another remarkable series of Little Britain comes to an end.

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If you have enjoyed the series and you see me in the street,

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you may like to come up to me and caress my thighs and buttocks.

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Good pie!

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Subtitles by Karin Anderson BBC Broadcast 2004

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E-mail us at [email protected]

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