Episode 6 Little Britain

Contains some strong language.

I love Britain so much, that every day I sacrifice a child in honour of it.

So thank the Lord, who incidentally is British, for the great things he has brought to this land -

Take A Break, Spearmint Rhino

and Findus crispy pancakes.

But also, let us give thanks for the people of Britain,

and it is them whom we'll be doing looking at today.

Boogaloo!

Today, Lou has arranged for Andy to go on a blind date.

I went on a blind date once, with a border collie.

Nothing came of it, but we stay in touch.

-Can I have one of them chips?

-No.

-Please.

-No, should've got your own.

-I only had enough for one.

-Yeah, I know.

-It doesn't matter - I don't want any chips now, anyway.

-Nor do I.

Are you excited about this date?

-Yeah... What date?

-The date.

-I set you up on a date with a lady.

-Yeah, I know.

Her name is Francesca,

and I said we'd meet her at the steps at five sharp.

Oh, she's early. Hello, Francesca, how are you?

-Very well, thanks.

-That's good.

-This is Andy, who I was telling you about.

-Hello, Andy.

I don't want that one!

Why not?

She's in a wheelchair.

-I know she's in a wheelchair.

-I don't like her.

-It's early days.

I'll leave you two alone. You don't need me here playing raspberry.

Have a lovely time.

Well, Andy, I've heard a lot about you.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

This programme contains some strong language.

In Darkly Noone, Vicky Pollard's gang are keen to get on with their day's robbing.

-Where is Vicky? She is so supposed to be here by now.

-She's got that black boyfriend now.

She has well changed since she's gone with Jermain.

-Take your time, Vicky(!)

-Where've you been?

JAMAICAN ACCENT: No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no

cos there somethin' happenin' I don't know nothin' about. Shut up

-and don't give me evil, cos me an' my man Jermain just been behind the waterslide makin' baby.

-So...

you coming down Woolies later?

Me don't know. Me might just hang with me man Jermain and cooking up some chicken an' rice an' peas

but yeah, but no, but yeah, but it's up to Jermain now cos me his bitch.

PLUMMY VOICE: Victoria, I'm just happy to go with the flow.

Me man has spoken.

Woolies it is.

Meaning-while, at this restaurant in Chafe...

The rocket salad. Thank you.

-So, you still haven't heard from Alistair?

-No, I think he's gone back to that Sacha.

Sorry...

Well, I've been wanting to introduce you to my friend Jonathan.

Oh, yes?

He's single, works in the city, he's got a lovely Docklands apartment.

Oh, he's doing well for himself?

-Yes, just bought a place in Provence.

-Sounds wonderful.

I think I've got a picture of him.

Oh, looks lovely.

Christianity is one of the most popular religions in Britain, with over 80 members.

Please be seated.

Now, as you know, the Reverend Hartley is on an exchange trip to Harlem in New York,

so they've sent their reverend here to take the service this week.

Now, I imagine he's a little nervous,

so I want you all to make him feel very welcome.

His name is Reverend Jesse King.

HALLELUJAH!

I...is from the ghetto!

You...

is from the ghetto!

We is all from the ghetto!

But how we gonna get outta the ghetto? I tell you how you is gonna get outta the ghetto!

We is gonna fight the power!

Fight the power!

Fight the power.

What we gonna do, momma?

Fight the power, perhaps?

Praise the Lord.

Hallelujah!

Say, "Praise be to Jesus!" CONGREGATION MUTTER

Say, "Praise be to the Lord!"

ALL: (Praise be to the Lord.)

Say, "Hi-de-hi-de-hi!"

ALL: Hi-de-hi-de-hi.

Say, "Ho-de-ho-de-ho!" ALL: Ho-de-ho-de-ho.

Go, go, go to the holiday rock! Praise the Lord. Amen. ALL: Amen...

Now it is time to call upon Lord Jesus to come amongst us today

and heal the sick and the lame.

Anyone here who can't walk?

Can't do that?

Anyone here with leprosy?

Any lepers in the house?

-Brother, what be your sickness?

-Oh, I'm fine. Just a slight cough.

Come and join me, brother. Jesus will cure you.

Excuse me while I talk in tongues for a moment.

Anno-hey-whoa-whoa!

Anno-hey-woo-woo!

HIGH-PITCHED WARBLING

Clear?

Still a bit tickly.

Try these.

He can walk! Hallelujah!

Praise the Lord!

There is no greater shame in Britain than being fat.

I had a fat son, who naturally I gave up for adoption.

He's written to me several times saying he's lost weight

and would like to meet up, but I'm not interested.

-What the hell's all this?

-You know me and Pat have gotten engaged?

-Yeah.

-We booked the hall for a party.

-We've been setting up all afternoon.

Looks cheap. OK...

so, let's start with... Hang on, I don't remember getting my invitation.

Oh, well it was just, you know, close friends and family.

-Roy, you're going, are you?

-Yes.

-You?

-Yes.

-Are you going?

-Yes.

-Mary, are you going?

-Yes.

-Sorry?

-Yes.

-Do it again.

-Yes!

-No, do it again.

-Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Was that a "yes" or...? We'll never know.

You need an interpreter, really.

-And all this food's for the party?

-Yeah.

-What are these?

-Vol-au-vents.

Come on! I did vol-au-vents last week! Am I wasting my time?!

-They're calorie hotspots!

-Marjorie!

I'm only thinking of you. You've got your wedding day coming up, I want to see you down to a size 30.

-What are these?

-Mini chipolatas.

Why don't you just stick shit through my letter box, huh?!

And what the HELL is this supposed to be?

I made it - it's banoffi pie.

DEEP VOICE: "I made it - it's banoffi pie."

You Tanya, are playing Russian roulade with these people's lives! If one of these fatties has a bite,

they could drop down dead. Shame on you! Boo, hiss, boo!

We're just trying to have a party, Marjorie.

Yeah, you're right. What was I thinking?

Let's not worry about Fat Fighters today. Have a lovely time and I wish you all the best for the future.

Today, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig's three-date national tour has arrived in Snitch.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome hypnotist extraordinaire,

Kenny-y-y-y-y-y-y...

Craig-g-g-g-g-g-g-g!

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much indeed!

Welcome to the show!

Look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes. Don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes.

You're under.

In one hour, I will click my fingers and you will all believe you have witnessed a superb hypnotic show

that was much better than Paul McKenna and Derren Whatsisname and you will tell your friends.

Hold the thought.

With this afternoon's Welsh Gay Rugby League match over,

local fruit Daffyd Thomas is heading off to the pub.

-Hello, Daffyd.

-Yeah, I'm gay! Get over it!

-There you go, Farmer Hughes.

-Thank you, my love.

Ten Bacardi and Cokes, please.

-Coming right up.

-In you come, fellas.

Come on, lads.

Get in here.

So, who are all this lot, then?

-They're from Bangor.

-Oh, right.

-Llandewi Breffi played them today in the Gay Rugby League.

-Who won?

-Bangor...96-nil.

So what's happened to all our lot?

No, it's just me, you see. As you know, I am the only gay in the village.

It's funny, I was in here last week - you couldn't move for cock.

Yeah, it was non-stop bum fun.

-No, you're quite wrong.

-I'd love to have played but I never heard nothing about it.

-It was a gay team.

Well, I've tugged the odd todger in my time.

-Yes, thank you, Farmer Hughes.

-Excuse me, excuse me.

-I'm a good winger.

-But you're married.

-But I'm always cottaging.

-What about your wife?

-She don't mind. She's bi-curious herself.

Disgusting!

So, which toilets do you use, then?

The one in the park, of course.

Oh, yes, I thought I'd seen you through the glory hole.

I think I'm a bit old now for rugby,

but I'm a big fan of fist.

Is there nobody in this pub who isn't gay?!

Well, I indulged in mutual masturbation when I was younger. Does that count?

What about you, Mr Jenkins?

Well, since I've retired, I've discovered the joys of rimming.

Right...

That is it! I've had it with this village!

-I'm leaving. Goodbye!

-< Where are you going?

As far away as possible. To a place where gay people are not welcome - where I am the only one.

-Where?

-I've got two uncles in San Francisco. I'll go there!

O-O-Oh...

Oh, so he's in the army.

Oh.

Huh!

Oh, yeah. 3,2,1 - you're back in the room.

Thank you. Thank you very much indeed. You've been a great audience.

Thank you very much. Don't forget to tell your friends. Good night.

She's taking bloody ages with these drinks. Oh! Thank you very much.

-It's a shame about Jonathan.

-He just talked about himself the whole night.

-There's a good friend of mine - Rupert. Have you met Rupert?

-I don't think so.

-He's a friend of Simon's.

-He's just split up with his girlfriend.

-What's he like?

-He's lovely - very good looking.

He's an architect. I've got a picture of him, I think.

Oh, yes.

Looks familiar.

-He was at Harriet's wedding.

-Did he have longer hair?

Before you can get divorced in Britain, you need to get married.

For Harvey and Jane, the big day has finally arrived.

THEY FINISH SINGING HYMN

Now it is time... for Jane and Harvey...

to make their wedding vows.

Do you...

Harvey Tobias Jerome Pincher

take Jane Louise Edwards to be your lawful wedded wife?

Bitty.

I'm sorry?

Bitty.

(It's "I do.")

I know, but...hungry for bitty.

-Come on, Harvey. We fed you on the way here.

-We're eating in an hour.

-Want me to go?

-No, no, no, Mummy.

I'm terribly sorry. It's a lovely service.

-SLURPING

-Carry on.

I... Do you...um...

take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

And do you Jane Louise Edwards take...

this...

..man

to be your lawful wedded husband?

Um...

I do.

Then I declare you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

In Troot, theatrical agent Jeremy Rent is working hard for his stellar list of clients.

Hello, this is a message for the editor of OK! Magazine.

Jeremy Rent here. My client Liza Goddard has just had a new loft extension.

I am offering you an exclusive on it for £30.

I look forward to hearing from you. Goodbye.

-INTERCOM BUZZES

-'Dennis Waterman here to see you.'

Lovely. Send him in.

Hello!

-It's raining cats and dogs out there.

-Hello, Dennis.

Let me take that from you.

Yes, you sound a bit bunged up.

Bit of a cold.

-Have a tissue.

-Have you not got any man-size?

No.

HE BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY

I've had a call from George Lucas.

-Oh, the man who done Howard The Duck?

-Um...yes...

-and Star Wars.

-Oh, he done that as well?

Anyway, he's making a brand new Star Wars film

-and he wants you to be Obi-Wan's cousin Kenneth Kenobe.

-That's nice!

So, you want me to star in it, write the theme tune and sing it?

-They've already got their own music.

-Tell them to get stuffed!

Dennis, Star Wars is a very big deal and could make you an awful lot of money.

They can even make an action figure of you, like this.

Woo!

Life-size!

Well?

# In a galaxy far away in space

-# Do-do-do-do... #

-Dennis...

# ..Bad men are taking over space

-# Do-do-do-do... #

-Dennis...

# ..I've got a good idea

# Just you keep me near

# I'll be so good for the rebel alliance! #

Obviously, it will sound a bit better on the day,

-I'm a still bit snotty.

-Here. Try this.

Man, that's good!

It's half past Wilhelm, and at this health spa, Mr Hutton is taking an important meeting.

Meetings are when people who need to meet, meet and have a meeting.

Mr Hutton, a word!

Mrs De Vere, I'm in the middle of a meeting.

-What's this thing you've been telling Gina that I'm not allowed any more treatments until my bill's paid?

-Yes.

This is the lady who's bill has been unpaid for five months now.

Why don't you take a photo? It'll last longer!

-Mrs De Vere, would you please leave?

-Aren't you going to introduce me?

This is Mrs De Vere.

-Call me Bubbles.

-This is Mr Byford, he's head of accounts,

Mr Shah in charge of our legal side, this is Miss Crozier,

and this is Sir Anthony Garfield, who's the owner.

Oh, the owner!

Oh, Sir Tony!

It is a great pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Hello.

Champagne!

So, Sir Tony, what sort of qualities do you look for in a woman?

You're sitting on my report.

I do apologise.

This more comfortable?

No!

-Mrs De Vere, will you please leave?

-Very well!

Oh!

You've dropped your pen.

I'm winking, darling.

Get out!

(Meet me in the Jacuzzi in 15 minutes.)

It's nought o'clock, and at this shop in Phlegm,

a man is looking for a record.

I myself own two records - both "No Parlez" by Paul Young.

Hello, how can...?

I would like to purchase a record of James Last playing the hits of Nelly Furtado...

on the banjo.

And I would like a picture on the front of James Last displaying his hands with stigmata.

Certainly.

Thank you.

-Does it have the sleeve notes by Dr Graham Garden?

-Yes.

Thank you. So, think you'll see Rupert again?

-No, thank you.

-Well, did you ever meet Simon's brother Tom?

-No, I don't think I did.

-I think I've got a picture of them together somewhere.

Oh, yes.

I can see the family resemblance.

Today, the charming village of Pox is host to a bring and buy sale.

Last year's bring and buy sale was very successful and raised over £1.20.

-Slow today, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Oh, hello!

-Brown Owl's wondering if you'd like a gingerbread man each?

Oh, how very nice!

-Thank you.

-Look.

Mmm... Oh, delicious. Did you make these?

No, Aneesha did.

No, Maggie, please. She's just a child!

So, did you talk to Valerie about the Barnardo's job?

Run along!

At Number 10, the government is celebrating another election victory. I love an election!

In fact, I'm having one right now.

MUSIC: "Things Can Only Get Better" by D:Ream

Here's to a third term! THEY CHEER

-You did it!

-WE did it!

What about ME?

Sebastian, thank you. You know I couldn't have done it without you.

MUSIC: "Careless Whisper" by George Michael

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-o... #

-Um...

-This is nice, isn't it?

Uh... Uh...

Yes, it's...it's going to be a very hectic day tomorrow.

I'm going to need your help, shepherding all the MPs...

Shh...shh...

23 new members. It's going to be quite...

Shh-h-h-h-h-h-h...

Prime Minister, I'd just like to say...

Oh! Ah!

Don't fight it, Prime Minister.

This is a very, very long song, isn't it?

MUSIC CHANGES TO DANCE TRACK

I'll be back in a while, I'm going to talk to the Chancellor.

SEBASTIAN SOBS

SOBS LOUDER

Sebastian, are you...all right?

Yeah, I'm fine! I'm fine!

I...

I don't want to speak out of turn,

but do you perhaps have the slightest...

crush on me?

FORCED LAUGH

What ever gave you that idea? No, I just wanted to say well done.

Oh, thank you.

Well done!

Oh, hello!

As a special treat, Lou has taken Andy to the popular coastal town of Sphincter-On-Sea.

Right, tell me when.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

CRUNCH Fine.

CAR HORN BLARES

-I want to go swimming.

-Oh, no. Not today.

It's very cold in there and I need someone else to help get you in and out,

-and I haven't even brought my trunks so it's be a right kerfuffle.

-I wanna go swimming.

I thought you didn't like swimming in the sea. You said the sea was a dark and brutal force

-that had dragged many an innocent to a watery grave.

-Yeah, I know.

You stay there, I'll go and get you a choc ice.

Hello, Mr choc ice fella, what sorts of choc ice have you got today?

Plain chocolate and milk chocolate?

And what's the main difference between the two?

The milk one is creamier? It's sweeter, isn't it?

-The plain chocolate...

-The plain chocolate has a darker, bitter edge to it.

It's not to everybody's taste, but some people prefer the plain.

It's very interesting, that.

-If you had to pick between the two, what would you choose?

-Plain.

You'd choose the plain one? Well, let's try one plain one, then.

OK. There.

Oh, that's a nice one.

That's the best choc ice you can get. Thanks a lot.

There you go.

Is there a reason why you're naked?

And so another remarkable series of Little Britain comes to an end.

If you have enjoyed the series and you see me in the street,

you may like to come up to me and caress my thighs and buttocks.

Good pie!

Subtitles by Karin Anderson BBC Broadcast 2004

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