Episode 6 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain.

The land that gave the world so much.

Mad cow disease, happy slapping and Sky One's Dream Team.

But who are what live here, sir?

Come with me as we meet the inhabitants of Little Britain.

Do you really like it?

Is it wicked?

We're lovin' it, lovin' it, lovin' it, we're lovin' it like that.

This is Vicky Pollard, she's one of Britain's most beautiful women.

Are you the news Asian?

-Yeah.

-Do you like do the lottery here or summing?

Yeah, you can buy your ticket here.

-Yeah, but I don't need to cos I've actually, like, won.

-Really?

-Yeah, I got my ticket right here.

And it was a Saturday one, not a Wednesday one,

cos the money's well nuffin' on a Wednesday, it's like only a million quid.

I've definitely won it and if Coleen McGovern says I'm lying then don't listen to her,

cos she's got one of them nut allergies, cos one time we was all round the back of Nando's

and I gave her a peanut Revel, only I told her it was a coffee one,

and she ate it and she had to go to hospital and she nearly died

and she well blamed me for it and I'm like, "It's not my fault you're so gay you can't even eat a peanut."

-You've made this yourself.

-No but, yeah but, no but, yeah but, no but, yeah but...

20 Bensons, please.

..Yeah but, no but, yeah but, no but, yeah but, no but, yeah but

I did but I didn't but I did but I didn't because I couldn't

because I was actually busy doing two million hours community service

and anyway, I couldn't have made it myself, actually,

-because I can't read or write because I'm like totally lexdixlec.

-Stop wasting my time.

Oh, my God, I so can't believe you just said that!

You actually owe me £50 billion or summing or nuffin'!

Your ticket is not valid.

-All right, ten million quid and a bag of Discos.

-Out.

-Five hundred quid and a Kinder Surprise?

-Go.

-Four pack of Breezers?

-No.

-Chomp?

-No.

Bag of Skips and I'll give you a gob job.

Oh, my God, you have so lost a good customer! I am always in here robbing.

I didn't even want it.

And as for that...

Over at Hill Grange, former mistress of Prince Philip, Bubbles DeVere,

is undergoing some acupuncture.

I'll tell you, Gita, I can't wait to see the back of both of them.

Just as well, Miss Bubble, because I just saw them leaving.

What?

Dreadful place... Revolting...

If we could have the luggage in the Merc, please.

So you're leaving us early, Mr DeVere?

-Yeah, I'm afraid so.

-Yes, that bitch has ruined our honeymoon.

Darling, don't make a scene.

I'll make a scene if I want to, babby!

You didn't even come to say goodbye.

I was going to.

I thought it's better if we just slipped away.

I see.

Goodbye then, Roman.

Goodbye, Bubbles.

Hold me, Roman, one last time!

-I can't.

-Why not, darling?

-Because you're covered in needles.

-But Roman!

He's staying with me, babby, he's mine, all mine!

Nyah-ha-hah! Nyah-ha-hah! Nyah-ha-hah!

Nyah!

Britain can proudly boast the dirtiest beaches, the most disappointing views

and some of the flattest hills in the world, but still some Britons choose to book holidays abroad.

I'd like a round-the-world cruise please, leaving in March,

returning September, travelling first class for about £700.

Computer says yes!

HE COUGHS

ANDY: # What's the story, Balamory, wouldn't you like to know... #

Meanwhile, in Herby, Lou has something upsetting to tell Andy.

How's your toast?

Too buttery.

Now, remember I told you my mum was very ill...

Yeah, I know.

Well, I'm sorry to say that she passed off during the night.

I can't see the telly.

Oh, sorry.

So I'm gonna have to go back to the Isle of Wight for a few days,

-to look after my dad and sort out all the funeral arrangements.

-So selfish! What about me?

Well, I've spoken to Social Services and arranged some temporary cover for the week.

-But I like it when you're here.

-Well, I'm sure the lady they'll be sending will be very nice.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Ooh, she's early.

Hello, you must be Mrs Mead.

-Yes, yes, I've no time for niceties, where is he?

-Oh, just through here.

Good morning, Mr Pipkin.

Andy, this is Mrs Mead.

I don't like her.

Come on, Andy, don't be rude.

I don't care whether he likes me or not.

Well, I'd better be off.

Here are the keys, Mrs Mead, I'll call you in a few days.

Bye, Andy.

Don't go.

This place is a pig sty.

We're going to clear it up.

You do the bottom shelf and I'll do the top.

Come on!

Next, we visit Old Haven, where transvestite Emily Howard is relaxing at home with a book.

I like to relax by saying cruel and hurtful things to my elderly mother.

-DOORBELL

-One moment, dear.

Oh... Florence.

It's, er, Fred.

What are you dressed as? You look most peculiar.

-We need to talk.

-Well, come in, then.

Look, I can't stop.

I just came to say goodbye, really.

Goodbye?

Me wife came home and found me trying on her wedding dress.

She hit the roof. She says she's had enough.

But together we fooled the world!

Everywhere we went, people were enchanted by our feminine charms and beauty and shit.

-You were always better at it than me, anyway.

-But we had...

Look, Maureen's in the car, I'd better go. Sorry.

Oh, one moment. I have something for you.

-What is it?

-Un petit moment.

CAR HORN HONKS

-Come on, Fred.

-I won't be a minute, love.

Oh, it's silk.

Yes, antique.

Well, it's very nice but I couldn't possibly.

-DEEP VOICE:

-You love it. You know you love it.

Well, perhaps I...

HIGH VOICE: ..could just try it on for a moment.

-Come in, Florence, my dear!

-Thank you, my lady, thank you!

-Maureen!

-Yes?

If you are a young person who wishes to eat only chilli con carne for three years

and then spend the rest of your life in debt, why not go to university?

I just want to defer a year because I decided to run for student union president.

Oh, well, good luck.

I think there's a form you need to fill in. Martin'll know.

Martin, it's Linda.

Is there a form you need to fill in if you want to defer a year?

It's Roland Barrel.

How can I describe him?

Glasses, colourful shirts...

Not keen on salad.

Think Eddie Murphy in The Klumps.

Makes you want to say, "Roland, I only want to help you, Roland."

He'd make a great Barry White in Stars In Their Eyes.

That's right, fatty fatty bum bum.

He says, go straight up.

Thanks a lot(!)

Pleasure.

SHE SINGS: # Hey, fatty bum bum

# Sweet sugar dumpling... #

Mary Mother of God, look at that.

This candlestick holder is filthy,

-it looks like it's never been cleaned at all.

-Yeah, I know.

You've been in that there chair for many years, have you?

Yeah.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

And you've no feeling in your legs whatsoever?

No.

You can't feel this?

No.

What about this?

No.

And not even this?

No.

Poor thing.

Right, I need some more Brasso.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

If you think you might become ill in six weeks' time,

then why not book an appointment today with your local GP.

Carla, would you bring the next patient in, please. Thank you.

Ah, Mrs Emery. Nice to see you again.

-Hello, Doctor. It's bitter out.

-Yes.

-So, what seems to be the trouble?

-I've got a bit of a problem, Doctor.

-Right.

-It's my knee, it's a little bit sore.

Well, we'd better have a look at you, hadn't we? Stand up over here.

Right...

Ah, yes, it does look a little swollen.

Have you banged it at all?

Well, the other night I knelt down

to change the television channel

and I must have put too much weight on it because I felt something go.

-Are you sure it's just the knee that's troubling you?

-Yeah, just the knee, Doctor.

Well, if you can just sit down for a moment, please.

Oh, that's a nice painting, is it a Turner?

Er, yes, yes, it is. Please...

Oooh! Chair's a bit damp.

Yes. Well, I'm going to give you Floroxidicillin, which is an anti-inflammatory.

If the swelling hasn't gone down within a week, come back and see me again.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Mrs Emery,

are you sure there's nothing else troubling you?

I can't think of anything.

A bit of water retention but otherwise I'm fine. Cheerio!

No, this isn't a zoo.

These are not elephants.

They are in fact human beings.

Yeah, don't get too carried away, she's still a monster.

As we pay our final visit to Fat Fighters.

She's such a pretty face, hasn't she...in the middle there.

Oh, you've gone up two pounds.

Oh, dear, it's not easy, is it?

Do you wanna somehow drag yourself back to your seat?

See, your problem is, Pat, you're a classic yo-yo dieter, you go up and down.

See, you've got your good foods over here,

you've got your lettuce, your Ryvita, your dust.

And over here you've got your bad food, your chocolate, your crisps, your cake.

Oh, man, she fat because she love de cake!

Here's you stuck in the middle, yo-yoing between the two.

Marjorie, you've drawn me as a pig.

Oh, sorry.

D'you know what, I don't need this any more.

I'm not losing weight, every time I come you're horrible to me.

-I've had enough.

-What, eh? Don't go.

Well, apologise. Say sorry, then.

-Say what?

-Say sorry.

What?

Say sorry.

-No, I can't, do it again.

-Say sorry.

-Do it again.

-Say sorry.

-Do it again.

-Say sorry.

-Do it again.

-Just say sorry to her!

Oh, you want me to say sorry. Well, why didn't you say that?

-I did.

-Do it again.

-I did.

-Do it again.

-I did.

-Do it again.

-I did.

-Do it again.

-I'm waiting for an apology.

-I'll come back to you, my love.

-I don't see why you can't just say sorry.

-Yeah, come on.

I can, I can say sorry.

-Well, go on, then.

-Well, I'm gonna say it any minute now.

Well, say it.

-I'm about to.

-Go on.

(..Sss...ry...)

-Didn't hear that.

-Well, I said it, so...

Well, we didn't hear it either. Come on, let's go.

I'm gonna say it, I'm gonna say it, I'm gonna say it, I'm gonna say it.

I'm gonna say it...

Pat, I am very sorry...

that you're so fat!

Oh, no! It just came out!

-I'm not putting up with this, come on.

-You're so rude.

-Don't worry, we are not coming back.

-Do it again.

Huh!

I need some new members.

Back in her office, Linda is taking a tea break.

Mmm! Lovely biscuit.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Hello, what's all this about?

-We've come to complain.

-About what?

-About the way you talk about us all.

-It's really insulting.

I don't know what you mean. What have I said?

Ching Chong Chinaman.

Fatty fatty bum bum.

-Molly the mole.

-Ali Bongo.

-Mick Hucknall.

-Magnum PI.

-Oompa Loompa.

-Big fat lesbian.

Baldy!

Your point being?

The point is that we want to make an official complaint.

Well, I'm shocked.

Let's get Martin down here now and sort out this awful mess.

Martin, it's Linda.

I've got the whole cast of Fraggle Rock here.

They're not happy.

Do you keep a used tissue up your sleeve?

If so, you are an old person and probably live in a home like this.

-Hello, Mr Jeffreys, how are we today?

-Oh, pretty good.

-Are you having trouble with that?

-Oh, no...

-Let me help you.

Mmm, that's better.

Mmm...

Oh, thank you.

You barely touched your stew.

There's your pudding.

-I'm not good with fruit.

-It's good for you.

Lou always lets me have a choc ice.

Lou's not here, is he?

And I'm allowed to watch Des And Mel.

There'll be no Des in this flat and no Mel, neither.

Television rots the mind.

We'll make our own entertainment.

Two, three, four...

# Onward Christian soldiers

# Marching as to war... #

Don't like it.

# With the cross of Jesus going on before... #

Please stop.

# As the royal master

# Leads against the foe... #

You're making me ears hurt now.

# Forward into battle See his banners go... #

Now...

Let us pray.

Oh, God.

Now we return to Llanddewi Brefi and the local pub of bum-troubler Dafydd Thomas.

Hello, Dafydd. Bacardi and Coke?

No, thank you, Myfanwy, I've not stopped by for a drink. I've come to say goodbye.

-Oh, yes?

-Yes, Myfanwy,

I'm leaving the village. Forever.

Forever?

Llanddewi Brefi is not the place for an out gay man.

Yeah, I'm gay, get over it!

-Well, where are you going?

-London.

With my physique, I'll be able to get myself a job as a go-go dancer.

-Well, where are you gonna stay?

-At the YMCA.

Apparently, you can have a good meal, you can get yourself clean and you can hang out with all the guys.

Well, good for you, Dafydd.

I'm gonna live the gay dream, Myfanwy.

I'm gonna go to gay bars and drink gay drinks.

I'm gonna ride gay buses and if I get peckish, Myfanwy,

I'll just open up a packet of gay biscuits!

-Gay biscuits?

-This is London, Myfanwy, everything's gay.

And you're sure it's what you really want?

Oh, Myfanwy, I've known I was gay since I was 22.

It's all I've ever dreamed of.

Come on then, I'll walk you to the station.

Thank you, Myfanwy.

Well, I'm going, everybody.

Well done, you've won, a victory for the bigots.

I wonder how many more beautiful young gay men will be driven away from this village by your scorn.

Well, none, obviously, cos I am the only one.

This case is quite heavy, Dafydd.

Well, it would be, yes, Myfanwy, but I'm a gay, you see, I can't really carry heavy objects.

No.

Well, I'm gonna miss you but I guess you're doing the right thing.

Just think, this time tomorrow you could be in a nightclub heaving with young men, like G.A.Y.

-Is that a gay club?

-Yes, I think so.

Well, I don't think I'll be going out on the first night, Myfanwy.

Oh, you've gotta get out there, Dafydd, have yourself a bit of todger.

I don't think that's going to happen.

Of course it is, there's loads of gay guys in London.

-You won't be the only gay in the village any more.

-No?

No, it'll be brilliant.

Right, well, this is as far as I can go.

Good luck, Dafydd.

Don't forget to write.

Goodbye, Myfanwy.

It doesn't look like I'm gonna get to London after all, I just missed the last train.

-PA:

-'The last train to London will be arriving at platform one in five minutes.'

Bacardi and Coke?

Yes, please, Myfanwy.

I'll go tomorrow.

Yes, course you will.

Take that.

In Gash, just adjacent to the town of Cocoa Passage, is this hospital run by Doctor Lawrence.

Well, we always celebrate Christmas here at the hospital

and this year one of our patients, Anne, has very kindly offered to decorate the day room.

Have you met Anne?

Hm, well it's just through here, let's see how she's getting on.

Hello, Anne, how you getting on?

Eh, eh, ehhhhh!

-Have you done the tree?

-Eh, eh, ehh!

-What have you decorated it with?

Eh, eh, ehhhh.

Fish fingers, that's...different.

Well, thank you very much, Anne.

Eh, eh, eh...

Anne's got some mistletoe.

-Do you want to kiss Doctor Beagris? SHYLY:

-Eh, eh, eh...

Oh, you don't mind, do you?

Don't you just love Christmas?

It's approaching Nightington and in Bruise, man Dudley Punt is on his way home.

# Talking, talking, happy talk

# Talk about things you'd like to do... #

Ting Tong, I'm home!

Ting Tong!

Table for one, sir?

-What the hell's going on?

-Please take a seat, sir.

I'm afraid we out of Tom Yam soup.

Where's Ting Tong? I want to see Ting Tong.

I think manageress is busy, but I will check for you.

Hello Mr Dudley, I take it everything to your liking?

No, it bloody isn't, you've turned me bloody flat into a Thai bloody palace!

Please, Mr Dudley, we do have other diners.

-I only nipped out to the offie!

-That was lovely, thank you.

Oh, thank you, please come again.

No, don't come again! Ting Tong Macadangdang, we need to talk.

I terribly sorry Mr Dudley, we have a crisis in the kitchen with the sticky rice balls.

-My brother here look after you.

-Brother?

-The kitchen about to close, sir, are you ready to order?

-I don't want anything!

In that case, thank you very much, sir, please come again soon.

Thank you, sir.

The mints are for customers only.

Sorry.

Thank you, sir.

# Happy talking, talking Happy talk... #

After a brief photo call with his wife...

PHOTOGRAPHER: Give him a kiss!

Go on, give him a kiss!

Oh, sorry, I thought you meant me, sorry!

..the Prime Minister has a long overdue meeting with the Chancellor.

-So, the time has come.

-Yes, I know.

-We had a deal, Prime Minister.

-And I'll stick to it.

I'll announce my resignation and the party will vote for the new leader.

You should be Prime Minister by the end of the week.

What?!

Robert and I had a deal that I would stand down before the next election.

-Yeah, but you didn't mean it, did you?

-I gave him my word.

I want the transition of power to run as smooth as possible.

Sebastian, you will now work for me.

No, thanks, I'm staying with Michael.

I'm retiring from politics, I'm afraid, Sebastian.

The new Prime Minister will be Robert.

-I don't like him.

-Why not?

Well, he's all fat and Scottish.

Very well, it looks like you'll be leaving government too, Sebastian.

Prime Minister, I shall see you in the Commons at four.

And I shall make my announcement then, thank you, Robert.

Sebastian, would you like to show the new Prime Minister out?

Thank you so much, Sebastian, for everything.

So, this is goodbye, then?

I'm afraid so.

-Oh, Sebastian, please don't cry.

-It's all right, I'm not going to.

Noooo!

HE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY

Sebastian, please.

SPEECH UNINTELLIGIBLE THROUGH SOBS

I understand.

SPEECH UNINTELLIGIBLE

Here.

LOUD BLOW

-Can I keep this?

-Yes.

Whenever I have a good blow, I'll think of you.

Thank you, Sebastian.

I wasn't going to give this to you just yet

but it seems like the right moment. I got it when I was at the summit last week in Switzerland.

Thank you,

it's...beautiful.

It's the least I can do, Sebastian.

Actually Prime Minister...

I've got something for you.

-Really?

-Yeah.

But you didn't know I was leaving.

(Shh...

(Close your eyes, it's a surprise.)

Can I open them yet?

Yes.

Darling, do you want to come with me to the press...

-Sorry, we're in the middle of some important government business.

-OK.

Right, where were we?

Can you push me?

No, no, you have to learn to wheel yourself.

It's good exercise for you.

-I wanna go home.

-Come on, there's only another two miles to go.

I think that Lou has been far too soft on you.

Oh, yes, things are going to be different from now on.

You've got into bad habits.

If you ask me, I see no reason now

why you can't do your own cooking and cleaning,

and that TV is going off and staying off, and no more chocolate or potato crisps.

Why don't you get yourself a job? There's plenty of things you can do.

First thing tomorrow, I'll take you down to the Job Centre...

And so, another series of Little Britain comes to an end.

A nation weeps.

Why, even Her Majesty the Queen is said to be a fan.

If you're watching, Queen, I hope you enjoy the show, Ma'am,

and oh, yes, next time you are opening Parliament,

why not pop one out? They look like beauties.

Good, good.

Andy, it's Lou!

Lou!

I'm home.

Yeah, I know.

I'll put your tea on.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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