Episode 5 Little Britain


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Episode 5

Matt Lucas and David Walliams take a comic look at life in Britain. Featuring Anthony Head and special guests Ruth Madoc and David Baddiel.


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Britain, Britain...

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We have exported so many great things around the world -

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slavery, hooliganism and Starlight Express.

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But none of this would be possible without the people of Britain.

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Today now, we look at what they.

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Boom! Boom! Boom!

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Let me hear you say... Wail! Wail!

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Bring it on!

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It's half past Mr Ernest Ndukwe,

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and Lou and Andy are their way home from the shops.

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-You look well. Had your hair done?

-No, not really.

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-It looks lovely like that.

-Thank you.

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-I'll thee you later.

-Take care. Bye.

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Thith patio's going to look lovely.

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You can thit here in thummer and thunbathe.

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Yeah, I know.

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-Nearly finished.

-I want to go on it now.

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Oh, no. You can't go on it now. It's got to dry.

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Yeah, I know.

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Ooh!

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Ow! Ooh, me back!

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Ooh! Aah, I think something went there.

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It went the other day as well,

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when I carried you to the top of the Post Office Tower.

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Ooh! Ow! Yes...

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It's right at the bathe of the thpine.

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Ooh, yes! Ah, that's got it.

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Who done that?!

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The birds.

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At this travel agent, Carol Beer is once again working her nuts off.

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So that flight leaves Heathrow on the 8th?

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Yes. Will you be taking your wife on as hand luggage?

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-No.

-So you need two seats.

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-It's all booked.

-I forgot to ask, does that include insurance?

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Computer says no.

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-I think we should take some out.

-We do offer a very reasonable insurance package at Sunsearchers.

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That covers us against accidents, does it?

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Computer says no.

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Oh. So it just covers us against theft?

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Computer says no.

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Medical bills?

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The computer refers the honourable gentleman to the answer I gave a moment ago.

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It doesn't sound like it'd much use.

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No.

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We'll leave it, thanks.

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-We do offer Sunsearchers platinum gold insurance.

-Oh, yes?

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And what does that cover?

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Well, last week a man in Barbados lost a flip-flop.

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We were able to send a replacement out to him first class.

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Really?

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All he had to do was cover the cost of the flight.

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And the flip-flop.

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We'll forget about the insurance, thank you.

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OK. I'll just give you your tickets, then.

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SHE COUGHS

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COUGHS

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It's half past Queen and Paul Rodgers.

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Andy and Poop, a couple, are getting ready to go out.

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Darling? Darling?

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-Yes?

-Have you seen my wallet?

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-It's by the phone. Aren't you going to tell me how I look?

-Beautiful.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-That'll be the babysitter. I'll go.

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-Hello. You must be Victoria.

-No, but, yeah, but, no, but,

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yeah, but, I know cos I'm totally the babysitter.

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Come in. You're a little late.

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Don't give me evils! I was gonna be here about half an hour ago,

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but we was all at McDonald's,

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because Jade McGuire fancies this bloke there

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who went to our school and did better than everyone.

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He's got a star on his name badge for mopping up piss.

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Shanita told him that Jade really fancies him.

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Then Jade took Lee round the back and showed him her Egg McMuffins.

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Hello, there. I'm Jennifer.

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Got any Pernod?

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Archie's already in bed. He should be fine.

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-If he wakes, don't let him watch cartoons.

-Yes, read him a book.

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A what?

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I hope you don't mind me asking, but have you looked after children much?

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Oh, I SO can't believe you just said that!

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Shut up! I'm well good with kids.

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Once, Carrie Delaney had one of them babies where you don't know you're pregnant till it comes out.

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She had it in Top Shop. It was well graphic.

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I held it while she went and bought a scrunchy.

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And I've shat out six kids myself, so does that count, stupid bitch?

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Who's looking after them tonight?

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-I dunno!

-HORN HONKS OUTSIDE

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Taxi's here.

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-You will be OK?

-Yeah. God! Stop getting involved!

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ARCHIE: Mummy!

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-SHE GROWLS:

-Shut up!

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Like most universities in Britain,

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this one offers a variety of courses,

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including a post-grad on the life of Jayne Middlemiss.

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Do you know what the deadline is for the Sylvia Plath essay?

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Oh! Aren't her poems wonderful? Always down in the dumps, though.

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-I loved "The Bell Jar".

-I thought, "Cheer up, love. It might never happen."

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-Have you tried Jilly Cooper?

-No.

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-I just need to know when the deadline is.

-I'm not sure.

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Martin'll know.

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Martin, it's Linda. I've got Molly Spencer here,

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wants to know when the Plath essay is due in.

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Molly. You know Molly. Lovely brown hair, quite petite.

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Almost very pretty.

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Looks like she's balancing a Malteser on her face.

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You want to go, "Careful! There's a bee on you!" Then you realise.

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That's right, Molly the Mole.

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It's Thursday.

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Thanks very much.

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# I am a mole and I live in a hole... #

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It's half past Mr Miyagi,

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and once again Sir Norman Fry MP has some explaining to do.

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I have a statement I would like to read.

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Last week I purchased a new camera, and whilst in my office in the House of Commons,

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I accidentally took a picture of myself naked.

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That picture somehow - and I would love to know how -

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found its way onto Gaydar,

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which I later discovered to be a dating website for sodomites.

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Basically, you pay a flat fee, post your stats online, then...

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I was then invited to join a group of gentlemen at a party in Brighton,

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where I was planning to give a talk about education reform.

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However, shortly after my arrival, my clothes accidentally fell off.

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At that moment, I slipped on a glace cherry

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and landed inside one of the men.

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As far as I'm concerned, that is the end of the matter.

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BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS

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Aren't fat people loathsome?

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Just look at their stupid fat faces.

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I'd like to give them all a punch on the nose, but I'm too fat.

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..if you get peckish in between meals.

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I like to put some low-fat cottage cheese on some Ryvita.

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You can have that as it is or deep-fry it.

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Now, today's buzzword is "motivisation".

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Last week, I asked you all to bring in a picture of yourselves

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to act as an incentive when you're reaching for that cake.

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We like a bit of cake, don't we? Yeah?

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Cake! Give me cake now!

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We like cake.

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I like cake. I do. I just like cake.

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I like it a lot. I...like...cake.

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Gimme cake! Gimme cake!

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I vant ze cake!

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So, let's see these pictures. Paul, can you dim the lights, please?

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And I don't want to hear rustling. This is not an excuse to eat.

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Let's have a look at the first photo, then.

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Oh! At home with the Kumars!

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Have you seen that? It's very funny. They're Asian.

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Where was this photo taken? Was this in India?

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-New Malden.

-We'll never know.

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Tanya.

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Ooh, it took guts to bring that one in, my love.

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And where was this photo taken?

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It was at my sister's 60th.

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You still get invited to family dos?

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-Yeah.

-It's just that if you were my sister,

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I would deny your existence. I mean that in a caring way.

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Bless your overworked heart.

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-Oh, where was this?

-New York.

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Oh! Did you pig out when you were there?

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You know what it's like on holiday.

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That's why you're here, because you cannot control your binge eating. Excuse me for a moment.

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SHE GRUNTS

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Aah!

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SHE BURPS

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Just had to blow my nose.

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Right, let's see the next picture.

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Oh, mama, you fat!

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So, Pat, how does this picture make you feel?

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Well, although it was a very happy day, as it was my wedding,

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I do think I look large in that dress.

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Hmm. Did they roll you down the aisle?

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-No, I walked.

-Brave.

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And even though she looked like that, you went through with it?

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Of course!

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I look at Pat and there's a beautiful person inside.

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There's a few of 'em.

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Now, because it's only fair, here's a picture of me not looking my best.

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Lost a bit of weight since then, obviously. Lights on!

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-Keep the change.

-HE YAWNS

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Hey, no yawning from you. The night's not over yet.

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THEY LAUGH

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TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

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HE VOMITS

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-Vicky!

-What you doing here? You ain't invited.

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-Where's Archie?

-We sent him down the offy to get more fags.

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-What?!

-Don't give me evils. I gave him fake ID.

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Anyway, I'm trying to get off with the bloke, actually, if you don't mind.

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-Get out of my house!

-Don't worry. We're going. This party's well sad.

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And I found your pornos, you dirty bastard.

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Oh, yeah, and I can do next Tuesday, if you want.

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All right!

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This is a computer shop.

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Computers date back to the reign of King Henry VIII.

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Computers then were very basic. You could only get Pac-Man and Snoopy Tennis.

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-JAMAICAN ACCENT:

-Pirates of the Caribbean? I did not like that. A'ight.

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Wicked. I'll call you later.

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-Yes, boss?

-The XP upgrade for my laptop hasn't installed right.

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OK. Let's take a look at it, then.

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-This is XP Professional not the home edition.

-Yeah.

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I'm not too good on this, so I'm going to bring in the horse.

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I'll just tell the horse what the problem is.

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The horse says did you disable the anti-virus software before installation?

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No, I didn't.

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Talk to me. Give me your wisdom.

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HORSE NEIGHS

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The horse says you need to press F2, which take you into set-up,

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disable the anti-virus software, and it'll install fine.

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-Great. Thank you.

-Yeah, he's a good horse, this one.

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-He's one of the best we've had.

-Actually, I've got a problem with my iPod.

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Yeah, he doesn't know anything about iPods.

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Come on, boss. It's just a horse.

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Hey, Sanjay. Geezer ask a horse about a iPod, innit?

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This young man is what we call a homosexual.

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Some people in Britain are heterosexual. I am bisexual.

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Well, at my time of life, I can't afford to be too picky.

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-WELSH ACCENT:

-# I think I'm gonna leave right now

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# Before I falls any deeper

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# I think I'm gonna leave right now

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# For I am feeling weaker and weaker... #

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Give me a hand with the shopping, Dafydd.

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I'm a little busy at the moment.

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I'm updating my Will Young scrapbook.

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-Oh, right.

-He's been such an inspiration to me,

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as the only gay in the village.

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So brave the way he came out as gay, just after he won Pop Idol.

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-Yes.

-Did you remember my Smarties?

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There you go.

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Now, me and your dad have been talking

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and we were thinking it was time you maybe got yourself a job.

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I'd love to get myself a job, but I can't.

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-Why not?

-I am a gay.

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-Oh, rubbish.

-There's loads of jobs I can't do because of my sexuality.

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-Like what?

-Hairdresser, airline steward,

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children's TV presenter,

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but they simply don't employ the gays.

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Of course they do!

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And if you got yourself a job, you could rent your own flat.

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How can I rent a flat? I'm a gay!

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I just see it. "Hello, landlord. I like men's bottoms."

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How's that going to go down?

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Couldn't you at least sign on? We'd have some money.

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-I can't go down the jobcentre.

-Why? Because you're gay?

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That's right. I'm a homo.

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I'm a bender. I'm a fairy.

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I'm a poofta. Ma, I'm a bum-boy!

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I know!

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Oh, sorry. I didn't think I'd mentioned it.

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Well, make yourself useful and help me put the shopping away.

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I am at a critical moment with my Pritt Stick.

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Dafydd!

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HE SIGHS

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Oh, I can't lift it. I'm gay.

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-Give it here, you big poof!

-Homophobe!

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-Don't be so stupid!

-I'm calling Childline.

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-What?!

-My own mother rejects me,

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simply for the crime of wanting men's todgers in my bum-bum.

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Good day!

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In Grumble, just north of Little Moan,

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lies the home of local Neighbourwatch group leader Sid Pegg.

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OK. Welcome to tonight's meeting of Neighbourwatch.

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Did anyone witness the events of Sunday afternoon?

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-THEY ALL MUTTER: No.

-1500 hours approx.

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..imately.

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An empty can of Lilt was kicked down the close by a gang of yob.

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-Is that all?

-If only it was, Mrs Vicar.

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On Monday, less than 24 hours after the Lilt incident,

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some mindless thug defaced the Larchwood Close sign.

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They put two dots in the "O"s to make it look like a pair of titties.

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There is nothing funny about a pair of women's titties.

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Titties are beautiful.

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They are, in fact, my favourite part of a lady.

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Apart from the general fanny area.

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WOMAN: Shall I put the turkey burgers on?

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Yes, wife. Turkey burgers, go.

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Where was I? Titties, fanny, turkey burgers...

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Oh, yes. Self-defence.

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Sometimes it is necessary to arm ourselves,

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which is why I always sleep with this under my pillow.

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Another pillow to smother them.

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Britain fights back.

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-You two married yet?

-No.

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Shame for the kid. It'll be a bastard.

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Right. Now can I have a volunteer, please?

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Lloyd, I saw your hand go up.

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All right, little fella? Little Lloyd Snow.

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Number Seven. He rents, he doesn't own.

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Lloyd was a contestant on "The Weakest Link".

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-Oh, yes. I saw you on it.

-Sorry.

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If people are just going to shout out, there'll be chaos.

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-Wife?

-Yes?

-Bird's Eye Potato Waffles, go.

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Right, Now, what do we do if one of these bastards... Sorry!

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..attacks you in your home. Lloyd, get me in a headlock,

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and I'm going to get out of it.

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-Whatever I say, whatever I do, don't let go, OK?

-Right.

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Right. OK, go.

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Right. Yeah.

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Tighter! Tighter! That's nothing. Tighter!

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HE GRUNTS

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OK, Lloyd. That's enough.

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Please! Let go! Let me breathe!

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And that's how... you get out of a headlock.

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You just say that you've had enough, and they should let go.

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Thank you very much. Thank you.

0:19:070:19:10

-Wife?

-Yes?

-Alphabetti Spaghetti, go!

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Business is brisk at this fancy dress shop.

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Fancy dress parties were invented in 1971 by Professor Ian Fancy Dress Party.

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Right. Well what can I do for you?

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If you wouldn't mind.

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-Right.

-I've been invited to a fancy dress party

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and want to go as the comedian David Baddiel.

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-David Baddiel?

-Yes. "Unplanned" era please,

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not "The Mary Whitehouse Experience".

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Right. You are being a little specific.

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I want to go as the author and humorist David Baddiel.

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Oh, dear.

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One moment. Margaret? Margaret?

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-Yes?

-There's a gentleman wants to know if we've got any David Baddiel costumes.

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-I don't think so, no.

-She doesn't think so, no.

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-Oh.

-Oh.

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We've got a Punt and Dennis, but I think the Punt's out.

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We've got a Punt and Dennis, but she think the Punt's out.

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-No.

-No.

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-Oh, we've got a Statto outfit.

-She says we've got a Statto outfit.

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No, I only really like David.

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-Oh, I don't know what to suggest.

-I'm in no hurry.

0:20:370:20:41

Well...I tell you what,

0:20:440:20:46

I'll try and fashion a David Baddiel outfit

0:20:460:20:48

out of some nondescript items.

0:20:480:20:51

-That would be most kind.

-Right, if you'd wait in our changing room.

0:20:510:20:56

If I give you Rory McGrath's jumper.

0:20:570:21:01

Erm... Martin Clunes's chinos.

0:21:020:21:06

Sanjeev Bhaskar's espadrilles.

0:21:080:21:12

And Terry Waite's beard.

0:21:130:21:15

Well, how are you getting on?

0:21:180:21:20

-Well?

-Nothing like him.

0:21:300:21:32

No.

0:21:320:21:34

Thank you very much.

0:21:380:21:41

Rugby is very popular in Britain,

0:21:430:21:46

as it allows men to act out sado-masochistic

0:21:460:21:49

homoerotic fantasies in the safety of the sporting context.

0:21:490:21:53

Oh, dear. It looks like Herby Town are going to lose again.

0:21:530:21:58

-Yeah, I know.

-You thaid it yourself,

0:21:580:22:00

the team are strong on power, but lack the finesse to ultimately fulfil their potential.

0:22:000:22:06

Yeah, they're crap.

0:22:060:22:08

-I'm going to get a tin of pop. Do you want one?

-No, I'll just have yours.

0:22:090:22:14

-Did I mith anything?

-No, it's boring.

0:22:360:22:39

The Prime Minister is returning from Parliament,

0:22:430:22:46

which was opened today by Her Majesty the Queen,

0:22:460:22:49

though for an extra £40, they could have had Kerry McFadden.

0:22:490:22:54

Prime Minister, here's a summary of the Arab-Israeli conflict.

0:22:580:23:03

Do you have a copy of the draft treaty there?

0:23:060:23:09

-It's in the Foreign Secretary's office. I'll get it.

-Would you?

0:23:090:23:14

-Sebastian.

-Oh, hello, Gregory.

0:23:190:23:22

Were you just spying on us?

0:23:220:23:24

No, I was just checking out a faulty knob.

0:23:240:23:28

Really?

0:23:290:23:30

-Hello, Prime Minister.

-Hello, Sebastian.

0:23:300:23:34

I won't be a moment, Prime Minister.

0:23:380:23:41

-So you're still taking him to the peace talks?

-Could you move down a bit?

0:23:430:23:48

Yes, of course.

0:23:480:23:50

Yes, he's very up on foreign diplomacy.

0:23:530:23:56

I can do that.

0:23:560:23:58

I'm up on the foreign diplum...thing.

0:23:580:24:01

This is very complex. It's the...Arab...Israeli conflict.

0:24:010:24:07

It's about reaching an agreement over the Gaza Strip.

0:24:070:24:10

I've got an idea. The Israelis have it Monday to Friday, the other lot have it weekends.

0:24:100:24:16

I don't think that'll work.

0:24:160:24:18

-Oh, a Trisha special.

-I don't think so.

0:24:180:24:22

No, it's on Channel Five now.

0:24:220:24:24

-Yes.

-Musical chairs!

0:24:260:24:28

-How ridiculous?

-Oh! She's getting nasty.

0:24:280:24:33

Maybe I should just leave? Yeah!

0:24:370:24:39

You should go to Israel, because you are so up on the conflict

0:24:390:24:44

and plainly in love with him.

0:24:440:24:45

Oh, dear! I've said it!

0:24:450:24:47

-Sebastian, please.

-I hope you have a great time.

0:24:480:24:51

-You're embarrassing yourself.

-He's just using you for sex!

0:24:510:24:54

-Unbelievable.

-I know.

0:25:060:25:08

Uh... Where were we?

0:25:080:25:10

I'd like to make an amendment to...page four, paragraph two.

0:25:100:25:16

-I don't think the Israeli's are going to go for that.

-Yes. Yes. Of course, Prime Minister.

0:25:160:25:22

I do love you, Gregory.

0:25:230:25:25

I know, Prime Minister.

0:25:360:25:37

Have you ever tried cross-dressing? I did once for about 30 years,

0:25:480:25:53

but it wasn't really for me.

0:25:530:25:55

Good afternoon. Just a lady out with a baby, that is all.

0:25:560:26:01

- Don't go too far, Jessica. - OK, Mummy.

0:26:040:26:08

Good afternoon. Not easy being a young mother, is it?

0:26:080:26:11

-No, it isn't.

-How old are yours?

0:26:110:26:15

Jessica's five and Elliot's six months. And yours?

0:26:150:26:19

Oh, um...just gave birth today.

0:26:190:26:22

Just a few hours old. Very little baby. Would you like to see her?

0:26:220:26:26

OK, yeah.

0:26:260:26:27

Hello.

0:26:280:26:29

Hello!

0:26:300:26:33

Isn't she beautiful?

0:26:330:26:36

Yes, she's really quite something.

0:26:360:26:39

Hark at us, two young mothers.

0:26:390:26:42

Let's talk about being pregnant and babies and...shit.

0:26:420:26:46

Excuse me. I just need to feed mine.

0:26:460:26:49

Oh, and me.

0:26:490:26:51

These men, they don't know what we go through.

0:26:570:27:00

What, with the long time it's in your tum-tum,

0:27:000:27:03

and then when it comes out of your looly!

0:27:030:27:06

I have a looly. I am a lady. A lady's looly.

0:27:060:27:09

HE BURPS

0:27:090:27:10

-Got any of them Scotch eggs?

-JESSICA: OK, Mummy!

0:27:100:27:13

Please do this properly, baby Flo.

0:27:130:27:15

-When's it my turn to push the pram?

-Shh!

0:27:150:27:19

Mummy, why is that man wearing a dress?

0:27:190:27:22

And why is the fat man with a moustache dressed as a baby?

0:27:220:27:27

-Right. I've had enough of this.

-Please, baby Flo...

0:27:290:27:33

Forget it!

0:27:330:27:35

They grow up so quickly these days.

0:27:350:27:38

Baby Flo!

0:27:400:27:42

Baby Flo!

0:27:420:27:44

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme,

0:27:440:27:48

you may like to know that a special helpline has been set up.

0:27:480:27:52

I think it's 0 something, and then some other numbers.

0:27:520:27:57

There may be a seven in there somewhere, if that's any help.

0:27:570:28:00

You could try.

0:28:000:28:02

Subtitles by Nick Harrison for Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:030:28:05