Episode 5 Little Britain

Britain, Britain...

We have exported so many great things around the world -

slavery, hooliganism and Starlight Express.

But none of this would be possible without the people of Britain.

Today now, we look at what they.

Boom! Boom! Boom!

Let me hear you say... Wail! Wail!

Bring it on!

It's half past Mr Ernest Ndukwe,

and Lou and Andy are their way home from the shops.

-You look well. Had your hair done?

-No, not really.

-It looks lovely like that.

-Thank you.

-I'll thee you later.

-Take care. Bye.

Thith patio's going to look lovely.

You can thit here in thummer and thunbathe.

Yeah, I know.

-Nearly finished.

-I want to go on it now.

Oh, no. You can't go on it now. It's got to dry.

Yeah, I know.

Ooh!

Ow! Ooh, me back!

Ooh! Aah, I think something went there.

It went the other day as well,

when I carried you to the top of the Post Office Tower.

Ooh! Ow! Yes...

It's right at the bathe of the thpine.

Ooh, yes! Ah, that's got it.

Who done that?!

The birds.

At this travel agent, Carol Beer is once again working her nuts off.

So that flight leaves Heathrow on the 8th?

Yes. Will you be taking your wife on as hand luggage?

-No.

-So you need two seats.

-It's all booked.

-I forgot to ask, does that include insurance?

Computer says no.

-I think we should take some out.

-We do offer a very reasonable insurance package at Sunsearchers.

That covers us against accidents, does it?

Computer says no.

Oh. So it just covers us against theft?

Computer says no.

Medical bills?

The computer refers the honourable gentleman to the answer I gave a moment ago.

It doesn't sound like it'd much use.

No.

We'll leave it, thanks.

-We do offer Sunsearchers platinum gold insurance.

-Oh, yes?

And what does that cover?

Well, last week a man in Barbados lost a flip-flop.

We were able to send a replacement out to him first class.

Really?

All he had to do was cover the cost of the flight.

And the flip-flop.

We'll forget about the insurance, thank you.

OK. I'll just give you your tickets, then.

SHE COUGHS

COUGHS

It's half past Queen and Paul Rodgers.

Andy and Poop, a couple, are getting ready to go out.

Darling? Darling?

-Yes?

-Have you seen my wallet?

-It's by the phone. Aren't you going to tell me how I look?

-Beautiful.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-That'll be the babysitter. I'll go.

-Hello. You must be Victoria.

-No, but, yeah, but, no, but,

yeah, but, I know cos I'm totally the babysitter.

Come in. You're a little late.

Don't give me evils! I was gonna be here about half an hour ago,

but we was all at McDonald's,

because Jade McGuire fancies this bloke there

who went to our school and did better than everyone.

He's got a star on his name badge for mopping up piss.

Shanita told him that Jade really fancies him.

Then Jade took Lee round the back and showed him her Egg McMuffins.

Hello, there. I'm Jennifer.

Got any Pernod?

Archie's already in bed. He should be fine.

-If he wakes, don't let him watch cartoons.

-Yes, read him a book.

A what?

I hope you don't mind me asking, but have you looked after children much?

Oh, I SO can't believe you just said that!

Shut up! I'm well good with kids.

Once, Carrie Delaney had one of them babies where you don't know you're pregnant till it comes out.

She had it in Top Shop. It was well graphic.

I held it while she went and bought a scrunchy.

And I've shat out six kids myself, so does that count, stupid bitch?

Who's looking after them tonight?

-I dunno!

-HORN HONKS OUTSIDE

Taxi's here.

-You will be OK?

-Yeah. God! Stop getting involved!

ARCHIE: Mummy!

-SHE GROWLS:

-Shut up!

Like most universities in Britain,

this one offers a variety of courses,

including a post-grad on the life of Jayne Middlemiss.

Do you know what the deadline is for the Sylvia Plath essay?

Oh! Aren't her poems wonderful? Always down in the dumps, though.

-I loved "The Bell Jar".

-I thought, "Cheer up, love. It might never happen."

-Have you tried Jilly Cooper?

-No.

-I just need to know when the deadline is.

-I'm not sure.

Martin'll know.

Martin, it's Linda. I've got Molly Spencer here,

wants to know when the Plath essay is due in.

Molly. You know Molly. Lovely brown hair, quite petite.

Almost very pretty.

Looks like she's balancing a Malteser on her face.

You want to go, "Careful! There's a bee on you!" Then you realise.

That's right, Molly the Mole.

It's Thursday.

Thanks very much.

# I am a mole and I live in a hole... #

It's half past Mr Miyagi,

and once again Sir Norman Fry MP has some explaining to do.

I have a statement I would like to read.

Last week I purchased a new camera, and whilst in my office in the House of Commons,

I accidentally took a picture of myself naked.

That picture somehow - and I would love to know how -

found its way onto Gaydar,

which I later discovered to be a dating website for sodomites.

Basically, you pay a flat fee, post your stats online, then...

I was then invited to join a group of gentlemen at a party in Brighton,

where I was planning to give a talk about education reform.

However, shortly after my arrival, my clothes accidentally fell off.

At that moment, I slipped on a glace cherry

and landed inside one of the men.

As far as I'm concerned, that is the end of the matter.

BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS

Aren't fat people loathsome?

Just look at their stupid fat faces.

I'd like to give them all a punch on the nose, but I'm too fat.

..if you get peckish in between meals.

I like to put some low-fat cottage cheese on some Ryvita.

You can have that as it is or deep-fry it.

Now, today's buzzword is "motivisation".

Last week, I asked you all to bring in a picture of yourselves

to act as an incentive when you're reaching for that cake.

We like a bit of cake, don't we? Yeah?

Cake! Give me cake now!

We like cake.

I like cake. I do. I just like cake.

I like it a lot. I...like...cake.

Gimme cake! Gimme cake!

I vant ze cake!

So, let's see these pictures. Paul, can you dim the lights, please?

And I don't want to hear rustling. This is not an excuse to eat.

Let's have a look at the first photo, then.

Oh! At home with the Kumars!

Have you seen that? It's very funny. They're Asian.

Where was this photo taken? Was this in India?

-New Malden.

-We'll never know.

Tanya.

Ooh, it took guts to bring that one in, my love.

And where was this photo taken?

It was at my sister's 60th.

You still get invited to family dos?

-Yeah.

-It's just that if you were my sister,

I would deny your existence. I mean that in a caring way.

Bless your overworked heart.

-Oh, where was this?

-New York.

Oh! Did you pig out when you were there?

You know what it's like on holiday.

That's why you're here, because you cannot control your binge eating. Excuse me for a moment.

SHE GRUNTS

Aah!

SHE BURPS

Just had to blow my nose.

Right, let's see the next picture.

Oh, mama, you fat!

So, Pat, how does this picture make you feel?

Well, although it was a very happy day, as it was my wedding,

I do think I look large in that dress.

Hmm. Did they roll you down the aisle?

-No, I walked.

-Brave.

And even though she looked like that, you went through with it?

Of course!

I look at Pat and there's a beautiful person inside.

There's a few of 'em.

Now, because it's only fair, here's a picture of me not looking my best.

Lost a bit of weight since then, obviously. Lights on!

-Keep the change.

-HE YAWNS

Hey, no yawning from you. The night's not over yet.

THEY LAUGH

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

HE VOMITS

-Vicky!

-What you doing here? You ain't invited.

-Where's Archie?

-We sent him down the offy to get more fags.

-What?!

-Don't give me evils. I gave him fake ID.

Anyway, I'm trying to get off with the bloke, actually, if you don't mind.

-Get out of my house!

-Don't worry. We're going. This party's well sad.

And I found your pornos, you dirty bastard.

Oh, yeah, and I can do next Tuesday, if you want.

All right!

This is a computer shop.

Computers date back to the reign of King Henry VIII.

Computers then were very basic. You could only get Pac-Man and Snoopy Tennis.

-JAMAICAN ACCENT:

-Pirates of the Caribbean? I did not like that. A'ight.

Wicked. I'll call you later.

-Yes, boss?

-The XP upgrade for my laptop hasn't installed right.

OK. Let's take a look at it, then.

-This is XP Professional not the home edition.

-Yeah.

I'm not too good on this, so I'm going to bring in the horse.

I'll just tell the horse what the problem is.

The horse says did you disable the anti-virus software before installation?

No, I didn't.

Talk to me. Give me your wisdom.

HORSE NEIGHS

The horse says you need to press F2, which take you into set-up,

disable the anti-virus software, and it'll install fine.

-Great. Thank you.

-Yeah, he's a good horse, this one.

-He's one of the best we've had.

-Actually, I've got a problem with my iPod.

Yeah, he doesn't know anything about iPods.

Come on, boss. It's just a horse.

Hey, Sanjay. Geezer ask a horse about a iPod, innit?

This young man is what we call a homosexual.

Some people in Britain are heterosexual. I am bisexual.

Well, at my time of life, I can't afford to be too picky.

-WELSH ACCENT:

-# I think I'm gonna leave right now

# Before I falls any deeper

# I think I'm gonna leave right now

# For I am feeling weaker and weaker... #

Give me a hand with the shopping, Dafydd.

I'm a little busy at the moment.

I'm updating my Will Young scrapbook.

-Oh, right.

-He's been such an inspiration to me,

as the only gay in the village.

So brave the way he came out as gay, just after he won Pop Idol.

-Yes.

-Did you remember my Smarties?

There you go.

Now, me and your dad have been talking

and we were thinking it was time you maybe got yourself a job.

I'd love to get myself a job, but I can't.

-Why not?

-I am a gay.

-Oh, rubbish.

-There's loads of jobs I can't do because of my sexuality.

-Like what?

-Hairdresser, airline steward,

children's TV presenter,

but they simply don't employ the gays.

Of course they do!

And if you got yourself a job, you could rent your own flat.

How can I rent a flat? I'm a gay!

I just see it. "Hello, landlord. I like men's bottoms."

How's that going to go down?

Couldn't you at least sign on? We'd have some money.

-I can't go down the jobcentre.

-Why? Because you're gay?

That's right. I'm a homo.

I'm a bender. I'm a fairy.

I'm a poofta. Ma, I'm a bum-boy!

I know!

Oh, sorry. I didn't think I'd mentioned it.

Well, make yourself useful and help me put the shopping away.

I am at a critical moment with my Pritt Stick.

Dafydd!

HE SIGHS

Oh, I can't lift it. I'm gay.

-Give it here, you big poof!

-Homophobe!

-Don't be so stupid!

-I'm calling Childline.

-What?!

-My own mother rejects me,

simply for the crime of wanting men's todgers in my bum-bum.

Good day!

In Grumble, just north of Little Moan,

lies the home of local Neighbourwatch group leader Sid Pegg.

OK. Welcome to tonight's meeting of Neighbourwatch.

Did anyone witness the events of Sunday afternoon?

-THEY ALL MUTTER: No.

-1500 hours approx.

..imately.

An empty can of Lilt was kicked down the close by a gang of yob.

-Is that all?

-If only it was, Mrs Vicar.

On Monday, less than 24 hours after the Lilt incident,

some mindless thug defaced the Larchwood Close sign.

They put two dots in the "O"s to make it look like a pair of titties.

There is nothing funny about a pair of women's titties.

Titties are beautiful.

They are, in fact, my favourite part of a lady.

Apart from the general fanny area.

WOMAN: Shall I put the turkey burgers on?

Yes, wife. Turkey burgers, go.

Where was I? Titties, fanny, turkey burgers...

Oh, yes. Self-defence.

Sometimes it is necessary to arm ourselves,

which is why I always sleep with this under my pillow.

Another pillow to smother them.

Britain fights back.

-You two married yet?

-No.

Shame for the kid. It'll be a bastard.

Right. Now can I have a volunteer, please?

Lloyd, I saw your hand go up.

All right, little fella? Little Lloyd Snow.

Number Seven. He rents, he doesn't own.

Lloyd was a contestant on "The Weakest Link".

-Oh, yes. I saw you on it.

-Sorry.

If people are just going to shout out, there'll be chaos.

-Wife?

-Yes?

-Bird's Eye Potato Waffles, go.

Right, Now, what do we do if one of these bastards... Sorry!

..attacks you in your home. Lloyd, get me in a headlock,

and I'm going to get out of it.

-Whatever I say, whatever I do, don't let go, OK?

-Right.

Right. OK, go.

Right. Yeah.

Tighter! Tighter! That's nothing. Tighter!

HE GRUNTS

OK, Lloyd. That's enough.

Please! Let go! Let me breathe!

And that's how... you get out of a headlock.

You just say that you've had enough, and they should let go.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

-Wife?

-Yes?

-Alphabetti Spaghetti, go!

Business is brisk at this fancy dress shop.

Fancy dress parties were invented in 1971 by Professor Ian Fancy Dress Party.

Right. Well what can I do for you?

If you wouldn't mind.

-Right.

-I've been invited to a fancy dress party

and want to go as the comedian David Baddiel.

-David Baddiel?

-Yes. "Unplanned" era please,

not "The Mary Whitehouse Experience".

Right. You are being a little specific.

I want to go as the author and humorist David Baddiel.

Oh, dear.

One moment. Margaret? Margaret?

-Yes?

-There's a gentleman wants to know if we've got any David Baddiel costumes.

-I don't think so, no.

-She doesn't think so, no.

-Oh.

-Oh.

We've got a Punt and Dennis, but I think the Punt's out.

We've got a Punt and Dennis, but she think the Punt's out.

-No.

-No.

-Oh, we've got a Statto outfit.

-She says we've got a Statto outfit.

No, I only really like David.

-Oh, I don't know what to suggest.

-I'm in no hurry.

Well...I tell you what,

I'll try and fashion a David Baddiel outfit

out of some nondescript items.

-That would be most kind.

-Right, if you'd wait in our changing room.

If I give you Rory McGrath's jumper.

Erm... Martin Clunes's chinos.

Sanjeev Bhaskar's espadrilles.

And Terry Waite's beard.

Well, how are you getting on?

-Well?

-Nothing like him.

No.

Thank you very much.

Rugby is very popular in Britain,

as it allows men to act out sado-masochistic

homoerotic fantasies in the safety of the sporting context.

Oh, dear. It looks like Herby Town are going to lose again.

-Yeah, I know.

-You thaid it yourself,

the team are strong on power, but lack the finesse to ultimately fulfil their potential.

Yeah, they're crap.

-I'm going to get a tin of pop. Do you want one?

-No, I'll just have yours.

-Did I mith anything?

-No, it's boring.

The Prime Minister is returning from Parliament,

which was opened today by Her Majesty the Queen,

though for an extra £40, they could have had Kerry McFadden.

Prime Minister, here's a summary of the Arab-Israeli conflict.

Do you have a copy of the draft treaty there?

-It's in the Foreign Secretary's office. I'll get it.

-Would you?

-Sebastian.

-Oh, hello, Gregory.

Were you just spying on us?

No, I was just checking out a faulty knob.

Really?

-Hello, Prime Minister.

-Hello, Sebastian.

I won't be a moment, Prime Minister.

-So you're still taking him to the peace talks?

-Could you move down a bit?

Yes, of course.

Yes, he's very up on foreign diplomacy.

I can do that.

I'm up on the foreign diplum...thing.

This is very complex. It's the...Arab...Israeli conflict.

It's about reaching an agreement over the Gaza Strip.

I've got an idea. The Israelis have it Monday to Friday, the other lot have it weekends.

I don't think that'll work.

-Oh, a Trisha special.

-I don't think so.

No, it's on Channel Five now.

-Yes.

-Musical chairs!

-How ridiculous?

-Oh! She's getting nasty.

Maybe I should just leave? Yeah!

You should go to Israel, because you are so up on the conflict

and plainly in love with him.

Oh, dear! I've said it!

-Sebastian, please.

-I hope you have a great time.

-You're embarrassing yourself.

-He's just using you for sex!

-Unbelievable.

-I know.

Uh... Where were we?

I'd like to make an amendment to...page four, paragraph two.

-I don't think the Israeli's are going to go for that.

-Yes. Yes. Of course, Prime Minister.

I do love you, Gregory.

I know, Prime Minister.

Have you ever tried cross-dressing? I did once for about 30 years,

but it wasn't really for me.

Good afternoon. Just a lady out with a baby, that is all.

- Don't go too far, Jessica. - OK, Mummy.

Good afternoon. Not easy being a young mother, is it?

-No, it isn't.

-How old are yours?

Jessica's five and Elliot's six months. And yours?

Oh, um...just gave birth today.

Just a few hours old. Very little baby. Would you like to see her?

OK, yeah.

Hello.

Hello!

Isn't she beautiful?

Yes, she's really quite something.

Hark at us, two young mothers.

Let's talk about being pregnant and babies and...shit.

Excuse me. I just need to feed mine.

Oh, and me.

These men, they don't know what we go through.

What, with the long time it's in your tum-tum,

and then when it comes out of your looly!

I have a looly. I am a lady. A lady's looly.

HE BURPS

-Got any of them Scotch eggs?

-JESSICA: OK, Mummy!

Please do this properly, baby Flo.

-When's it my turn to push the pram?

-Shh!

Mummy, why is that man wearing a dress?

And why is the fat man with a moustache dressed as a baby?

-Right. I've had enough of this.

-Please, baby Flo...

Forget it!

They grow up so quickly these days.

Baby Flo!

Baby Flo!

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme,

you may like to know that a special helpline has been set up.

I think it's 0 something, and then some other numbers.

There may be a seven in there somewhere, if that's any help.

You could try.

Subtitles by Nick Harrison for Red Bee Media Ltd