Episode 4 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain.

For centuries now, Britishers have shaped the world.

Mahatma Ghandi, Leonardo da Vinci, Ludwig Van Beethoven, all British.

Even Jesus Christ was from Woking in Surrey.

But what of the ordinary people folk what sort of lived here, and that?

Let's meet them.

Watch us wreck the mic, watch us wreck the mic, watch us wreck the mic, psyche!

In Britain, if an old person reaches 100, they receive a telegram from the Queen.

If they reach 200, Her Majesty comes round to their house and personally gives them a bikini wax.

Hello, Mrs Emery.

Oh, hello, dear.

Oh, hasn't he grown!

Yeah, he's 18 months now.

Oh, he's lovely. You still working down the cafe?

No, I had to give that up, but I'll be able to go back if I can get him into a nursery.

Oh, is there a good one near here?

Erm... I think so.

My friend Joan, her youngest granddaughter goes to a very good one up by the Barge.

-Do you know that one?

-Yeah.

I think there's a long waiting list. Is he on the waiting list?

No, he's not.

Right, nice to see you again, Mrs Emery.

Oh, hang on a sec, would he like a jelly baby?

I don't really like him having sweets.

Oh, go on, one won't hurt.

-Yeah, all right, there you go.

-What do you say?

Oh, he's gone all shy.

I'll see you later, dear.

Oh, mind out.

Must be a leak here or summink.

Ta-ta.

Transvestism was invented in 1986 by Dr Neil Transvestite, who came upon the idea

purely by chance when he was investigating nuclear fission theory whilst wearing his wife's nightie.

Two ladies out on a hen night.

-Hello!

-Good evening, barman.

-Yes, gentlemen?

-Two sweet sherries, s'il vous plait.

With lager chasers.

Well, my dear Emily, it is to be your final night as a single lady.

That's right, Florence, my lady friend, for I'm getting married in the morning to a man.

Well, you would be, being a lady.

So, I suppose if any man should wish to take advantage of me

on my one final night of freedom, they should speak up now.

Well, it's still early.

There you are.

There's a gay bar down the road. That's where most of the trannies go.

Well, ha-ha-ha, thank you for warning us, barman.

-We don't want to go there, do we?

-No, we don't!

# Get your tits out for the lads. #

'Ere, barman, our mate here is getting married on Saturday.

Look at them - they're so drunk they don't know what they're doing.

Yes!

Oh, man, how much did we drink last night?

Dunno, I was bladdered.

Have you seen what I came back with?

-She's a right dog.

-Well, you can talk.

Morning.

It's a crisp Octember morning in Bruise, and Dudley has nipped out for a newspaper.

MUFFLED CHATTER

-Ting Tong?

-Oh, hello, Mr Dudley.

I brought you some flowers.

Oh, you so thoughtful.

Were you, er, talking to somebody?

-No, Mr Dudley. No, no, I was just making you a traditional Thai breakfast.

-Ah.

I think I need some HP sauce on that.

Hello.

Ting Tong?

Yes, Mr Dudley?

-There's an elderly Thai lady in the cupboard.

-Is there, Mr Dudley?

Yes, yes, there is.

Oh, yeah, I was gonna tell you. Yeah, that's just my mother. She's come to stay for a little bit.

Mother, this is Mr Dudley I was telling you about.

SHE SPEAKS THAI

Ye-e-es. ..What's she saying?

Oh, she say she very look forward to come live with us.

Excuse us.

Ting Tong, we can't be having your mother living here, it's not gonna work.

-Well, it would only be for a few year. Anyway, she be dead soon.

-No.

I'm sorry Mrs Macadangdang,

you're gonna have to go.

-You heard what she said.

-I don't care what she said,

she's gonna have to go.

Oh, Mr Dudley.

No, I'm sorry, I said no.

Oh, please, Mr Dudley, I'll do anything if you let her stay. Anything.

Anything?

Maybe she could stay with us tonight at least.

You, er, got any sisters?

At Hill Grange Health Spa, one-time body-double for Joan Collins, Bubbles Devere, is on her way to the sauna.

-Hello, Miss Bubbles.

-Don't forget I have a mashed potato foot massage at four, darling.

-Hello, darling.

-Hello.

I'm quite naked, do you see?

Yeah, I do see that, yeah.

-I need to ask you a question, darling.

-What is it?

Why did you leave me, darling, why?

Well, you know I always found you very attractive, but I preferred you before you lost all that weight.

I know, I'm like a stick now.

Then Desiree come along and, well, I'm sorry, Bubbles, but there's so much of her to love.

But Ronald...

Oh, Bubbles.

-Hello, babies.

-Hello.

Not interrupting anything, am I?

No, we were just talking about old times.

"Old time", I'll give you "old time".

Are you looking forward to our synchronised foot massage later?

Yes, I am, yeah.

I hear it's very aphrodisiac-y.

I'll be back, darlings.

Bye-bye, baby.

Must get bigger, must get bigger.

Must get bigger. Must get bigger.

Why don't you take a photo - it'll last longer?

It's a sad day at St Shaznay's Hospital, as this old man is nearing the end.

And I...

don't want you to be sad for me.

I've had a wonderful life

and I love you all... very, very much.

Goodbye.

-Has he gone?

-Not just yet.

How's everybody else?

All right, yeah.

Lunch all right, was it?

Yes, it was very nice.

This is...goodbye.

Any minute now.

May I say...

how wonderful it is

to have my family around me

at the very, very end.

Goodbye.

I must just use the loo before I go.

The first travel agents in Britain opened in 1976.

Prior to that, people would stay at home and get food poisoning.

And you've nothing at all going to Lourdes?

Computer says no.

-Oh, what a shame.

-Says it's all pilgrimmed out.

If you like religion, I can do you a fly-drive to Mecca.

Er, no, I think I'll leave it, thank you.

Hello.

-I've been sat down all day - do you mind if I just stretch my legs?

-No, of course.

Right.

I was, er, watching this film last night, Captain Correlli's Mandolin.

And I was really wanting to visit the island of Kefalonia where they filmed it.

Computer says no.

-Oh.

-If you're a film fan, I can take you where they filmed Midnight Express.

No, thank you.

I've got some rooms in the Towering Inferno.

No.

I've got a lovely cruise on the ship where they filmed the Poseidon Adventure.

-I don't think so.

-No, it's not for everybody, it's upside-down.

I've got a two-for-one deal on a canoeing trip where they filmed Deliverance.

No, thank you.

-It says here the locals are very friendly.

-Look, I really only do want to go to Kefalonia.

Oh, wasn't some of Captain Correlli filmed in Center Parcs?

I could get you a very good deal there.

No, look, I'm just gonna leave it.

Was none of it filmed on a Club 18-30 holiday to Tenerife leaving Stansted on the 9th?

No, sorry.

Because of the fat people, Britain is slowly sinking into the sea.

An overweight woman in Great Yarmouth

recently ate a whole packet of custard creams, and half of Norfolk went under.

Right, well, that's about all we've got time for today.

-Oh, Marjory?

-Yes, my sweetness?

Erm, just to say, me and Paul had some good news. I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

-Oh, congratulations!

-Are you sure or have you just been scoffing?

She's three months gone now, so we're allowed to tell people. We've got the scan picture.

Oh!

-Are you gonna keep it?

-Sorry?

-You're not gonna get rid of it?

-Of course not.

-Oh, a bit selfish of you.

-For God's sake!

-No, fat fighters, I'm only thinking of the baby.

You know that poor baby is gonna be born a cake addict.

It's gonna come out and it's gonna have to go through cold chicken.

No, I'm gonna watch what I eat now that I'm having a baby.

-Are you sure it's just one? By the look of you, you're gonna have a litter!

-We're just having the one.

It looks fat already.

It's beautiful. It's our little baby.

-Do you know what you're going to call it?

-Well, it's a he, and no, we haven't decided on a name.

Oh, I know! This could be a bit of fun here. Why don't we all try and think of names for the baby?

Yeah, that would be nice.

Er, what shall we call it, Meera?

-John.

-What's that, my love?

-John.

-What's that, my love?

John.

-What's that, my love?

-John.

-What's that, my love?

-John.

-What's that, my love?

-John.

-What's that, my love?

-John.

-Whassa, malove?

-John.

-Whassa?

-JOHN!

-John, that's a nice name.

Anyone else? Tania?

-Michael.

-Oh, that's a nice one.

It's my husband name.

Oh, yeah, the one who left you cos you got so fat.

Looking at you two, I can't really see it being a Michael or a John.

Ooh, I've got one.

Jabba.

Here in Grubble, Sid Pegg has called a meeting of Neighbour Watch.

Right, welcome to tonight's Neighbour Watch.

-Thank you all for coming at short notice, but I felt we had to have an emergency meeting.

-What's happened?

-I haven't heard anything.

-Is there a problem?

-Yes, there is a problem.

-Our old friend the gypsy has moved into the close.

-Where are they?

-Bleedin' bloody hell, Lloyd, they're only camping out on your front lawn.

-No, no, that's our caravan.

Me and Susan just bought it.

Stay where you are.

We still need to be on our guard against the gypsy threat.

There are swarms of them.

Shall I put the Findus Crispy Pancakes in?

Yes, wife, Findus Crispy Pancakes go. Now, how do we spot a gypsy?

A gypo. A gypolata.

Watch and learn.

Number one, your classic gypsy.

Earring, neckerchief, waistcoat and a look in his eye that says, "I'm gonna tarmac your drive."

Number two, gypsy Joe Longthorn.

A sly fox, uses many different voices,

but mainly Shirley Bassey.

Number three, the Gypsy Kings - the ACTUAL kings of the gypsies.

Last seen on Sunday Sunday with Gloria Hunniford in 1988.

But beware, they could be back in the charts at any moment.

Now we know the enemy, Britain fights back. ..Wife!

Yes?

Batchelors Super Noodles, go, Mini Kievs on standby.

What do we do if a gypsy or a herd of gypsies, as I believe they're known,

turn up on your doorstep?

Can I have a volunteer, please.

Lloyd, I saw your hand go up.

Thank you, Lloyd. Little Lloyd.

-I don't know if you know Lloyd was actually a contestant on The Weakest Link.

-Yes.

Right, well, a quick demo...

..nstration. Right, now, Lloyd, you are the gypsy, the gypmaster, the gypola.

Sorry, I must just say I think it's very offensive to talk about gypsies in this way.

Good point, Mrs Vicar.

Let's not be racialist.

So, you're the filthy gypsy and you're gonna ask me if I wanna buy any clothes pegs.

Do I have to?

-You know, Lloyd, you've got very arrogant since you were on BBC Two.

-Sorry.

I'll be the gypsy, then.

Hello, would you like to buy...?

No, gypsy, no.

And it's as simple as that.

Britain fights back.

Thank you, Lloyd. You are the weaker link, goodbye.

Oh, dear - the weaker link, goodbye!

Right, now, that's gypsies covered.

Next, asylum seekers. No!

-We will NOT touch your bum. ..Wife!

-Yes?

Butterscotch Angel Delight, go.

'Vote Noel Hobkins in tomorrow's election.'

Here in the charming Welsh village of Llanddewi Brefi,

bottom enthusiast Daffyd Thomas is standing for election.

-Hello, Daffyd.

-Good afternoon, Mrs Teal.

-I was just wondering if I could count on your vote tomorrow?

-Oh, are you standing in the by election?

It's not just a bi-election, Mrs Teal, it's for gays and straights too.

Anyone can vote, regardless of sexuality.

-Honestly, it's like banging your head against a brick wall.

-So, who are you standing for?

-The Gay Rights For Gays party.

-Oh, that's nice.

Seeing as I'm the only gay in the village, I shouldn't think anyone would be interested. Good day.

Oh, no, lots of folk round here drop anchor in Poo Bay.

Is that your manifesto? Let's have a look.

-If I'm elected, I promise to turn the park into a 24-hour gay cruising zone.

-Yes?

I shall be knocking down the old folks' home and building a gay sauna.

Hot Bots?

That's right, and I shall be erecting two statues on the village green there of Colin and Justin.

-Oh, I love their shows.

-Oh, do you indeed?

Let me tell you this, Mrs Homophobe, I was watching Makeover Madness only this morning

-and I've very strong suspicions that at least one of them is a gay.

-Oh, no.

-I think they're both full-time bummers.

-Well, anyway, thank you for your time, Mrs Teal.

Good luck, Daffyd, you can count on my support.

-Really?

-Oh, yes, I'm all for gay rights.

In fact, I myself drink from the furry cup.

Daffyd?

In her office, university lecturer Linda Flint is meeting a student.

I very nearly got into university, but security managed to stop me.

-So that's a problem, is it?

-Yeah.

And there aren't any copies of the Female Eunuch left in the library, so I can't really write the essay.

Oh, well, I've got a copy here.

-Great!

-But that's mine, I don't want to lend it out.

Martin may have one in his office.

Martin, it's Linda.

Got a student here wants to know if he can borrow your copy of the Female Eunuch.

Steve. You know Steve. He's got a beard, quite tall.

Have you ever seen It Ain't Half Hot Mum?

He looks like he's just stepped out of the shower.

Think Carmen Miranda without the fruit.

That's right, Ali Bongo.

He says go straight up.

My name's not Ali Bongo.

Sorry, Steve, yes. Steve Bongo.

Newspapers and magazines are very popular in Britain.

The first magazine ever published was in 1502 - What Hi-fi.

-Do you work here?

-Yes, I do.

Well, can I be of assistance?

Hello. I'd like to buy a magazine, please.

Well, we've got lots here.

Do you have Bad Feet Monthly?

-I don't think so.

-Athlete's Foot Times?

Sorry.

Verucca Today?

-I don't think we do.

-What Bunion?

-No.

-Ingrown Toenail Weekly.

I've not heard of that one.

You get a free binder with part one and a sachet of toenail clippings.

I can't help you, I'm afraid.

Do you have any magazines devoted to problem feet?

I'm not sure. One moment.

Margaret, Margaret...

Yes?

There's a gentleman here wants to know if we have any magazines devoted to problem feet?

Not Celebrity Callous Monthly - I already have that one.

-Not Celebrity Callous Monthly - he already has that one.

-I'm not sure.

If we do have any, they'll be in the general interest section.

Right, let's have a look.

I can't see any, Margaret.

Just across from What Bin Liner.

-Right...

-Next to the Molester's Review.

Oh, thank you very much, Margaret.

Yes, I've found it, it was tucked just behind Out Of Date Crisps Periodical.

There you go.

Foot And Ankle Pain Bonanza.

Well, Roy, what does he reckon?

Well, myself, what do you reckon?

I'm not going to buy this magazine, I'm afraid.

Oh, what a surprise.

-Any particular reason?

-I'm not interested in ankle pain, I'm only really concerned with foot pain.

-Oh, do you suffer from foot pain?

-No.

-Are there any magazines here that interest you?

-Hello magazine.

Now we're talking.

No, I was just saying hello to that magazine over there.

-I hate you so much.

-I know.

At Number 10 Downing Street, a group of trade union leaders

are presenting a petition calling for the Prime Minister's resignation.

-Morning, Prime Minister.

-Morning, Sebastian.

-Did you have a nice holiday?

-Very nice, thank you.

I've got the draft budget from the Chancellor here.

-Thank you Sebastian.

-AARGH!

What's the matter?

-What's that?

-Oh, oh! A moustache, I grew it on holiday.

-I don't like it.

-Sarah loves it.

-I don't.

-Why not?

It tickles when you kiss.

We're not going to kiss.

Not today, no. But if we were to kiss, for whatever reason, I prefer for you not to have the moustache.

-Darling, did I leave my Women's Institute speech in here?

-Yes, it's here, it's very good.

-Oh, thank you. Hello, Sebastian.

-Whatever!

What do you think of the moustache? He looks dishy, doesn't he?

I dunno, I'm not gay.

I think it looks great and I think the voters will love it.

I don't think they'll vote for you any more.

People don't vote for me because of the way I look.

-They vote because they like my policies, don't they?

-Erm...

Right, well, I've got to dash, darling, I'll be late. ..Ooh!

Oh, get a room!

Sebastian, I've called off all my other meetings this afternoon

so you and I can thrash out this budget proposal together.

I'm not bothered now.

But you said you loved it when we work closely together.

Yeah, yeah, I did, but...moustache.

Oh, if that's the way you feel, I'll get someone else. ..Could you ask Gregory to come to my office, please?

-'Yes, Prime Minister.'

-Thank you.

By the way, Sarah's away for the weekend, so I thought you and I could go down to Chequers

and work on this election strategy.

I don't fancy you!

Hello, Sebastian, Prime Minister.

-Morning, Gregory.

-Oh, I love the moustache!

Have him.

In the charming village of Pox, just outside Little Stool,

Judith Pike and Margaret Blackamore are enjoying a walk.

Women shouldn't be allowed to vote.

Yes, I think I see your point.

-Oh, look there's Marion. Hello, Marion.

-Hello ladies. Lovely dog.

Thank you - George, yes.

-He's an Old English Sheepdog, pure pedigree.

-He's lovely.

Oh, and yours is beautiful. ..Aren't you, eh? Eh?

What's the breed?

She's a Chinese dog. A Shitzu.

Maggie, no.

There's a good boy. Come along now. See you at church on Sunday.

Frisbees were invented in 1928 by society beauty Lady Lucinda Frisbee

to relieve the boredom between the wars.

-Well done.

-What happens now?

-You throw it back.

-Yeah, I know.

Didn't quite catch that one.

You've got to really throw it.

-Yeah, I know.

-Here, have another go.

Oh no! The Frisbee is stuck up the pylon.

-Go and get it, then.

-No, I can't.

-The pylon carries electric currents, it would be very dangerous.

-Yeah, I know.

Have to leave it there.

-Let's think of another game to play.

-Want me Frisbee.

I'll see if I can find someone to help.

You wait there.

Excuse me.

-Are you the farmer?

-Yes, I am.

-We've got a little problem, we've got a Frisbee stuck up a pylon.

Well, I've just come to tell you this is private property.

My friend here is in a wheelchair and he likes nothing more than a game of Frisbee.

-He loves playing the Frisbee - that's him, you know.

-That's academic really, yeah.

We need a pole, attached to another pole, attached to another pole, attached to another pole...

-Sorry about that.

-Thank you very much, you've been very helpful.

-My pleasure.

-All right.

-Bye-bye.

-Bye.

Nice man.

Oh, it came down, did it? Good.

There's a strange smell of burning fat.

-CROAKY:

-Yeah, I know.

Alas, our journey round Little Britain is at an end.

What an illuminating voyage it has been.

I must go now, as I'm just about to reach orgasm.

Good cry!

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