Episode 3 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain - there's so much to see and do here.

Why not get stuck in the one-way system in Birmingham

or get caught up in a fight in a pub car park in Swansea?

Or why not get food poisoning from a motorway service cafe

just outside Stoke?

But our greatest attraction

is the people of Britain.

Hip hop, don't stop.

It's early late afternoon morning, and this is the office of PR guru Cliff Maxford.

Take a seat. Now, I've spoken to the News Of The World -

they are very interested in your story. What happened?

What happened was I met all these footballers and I got like totally roasted.

Can I have a £100,000 now, please?

First we need to establish this is a genuine story.

-Now, let's start at the beginning.

-We was all up this club called Chinese Whites,

and there was all these famous people like Dean Gaffney and Jodie Marsh

and that Professor Stephen Hawkings. I was like well the fittest girl there,

and people came in from Coronation Street,

and they was all trying to do me - even that little Chesney was trying to stick his tongue down my throat,

but I'm not a slag or nothing! I want to find a proper life partner, cos I've already had six kids

-by seven different blokes.

-When did you meet the footballers?

I'm getting there! I was just about to say it if you had just waited!

Then all the footballers came in or something or nothing from all the clubs like Tottenham

and Spurs and Chelsea Park Rangers,

and they all like really wanted to do me, but I was wearing this really short skirt,

so they could all see my strawberry mivvi.

Right, what happened next?

Then all the footballers took me back to this really amazing expensive hotel called Travelodge,

and I thought it was just to talk about football, but I ended up doing sex with all of them,

but afterwards I felt used, cos I thought they loved me.

But have you got any photographic evidence?

No but, yeah but, no but, yeah but I actually have actually, so shut up,

because this is a actual photo from it.

There's me there actually doing it with all of them.

God, I feel so degraded and used and dirty,

and it was rubbish anyway, cos they all had well tiny knobs.

Vicky, I'm not sure this story's gonna stick.

Oh, my God, I so can't believe you just said that!

I'm like well gonna be the new Abi Titchmarsh.

Please, Vicky, I'm a very busy man.

Come back when you've got a better story.

KNOCKING

-Yes?

-I've done a gangbang with G4.

It's a quarter to Gino Ginelli, and Lou has been out shopping for his friend, Andy.

Oh, hello. I've just been out shopping. Oh...

Oh dear, let me help you.

Oh, it's not for me - it's for a disabled man.

Come on, yellow truck.

-Morning, Andy.

-Morning, Len.

-Lou.

-Yeah, I know.

I got all your shopping for ya.

Did you get me Razzle?

Yes,

and I don't want you to spend the whole day looking at pictures of naked ladies.

I want that one and that one.

We'd all like a go on a nice naked lady, yes.

No, I want that one and that one.

-You want breasts?

-Yeah.

-You want a breast enlargement operation?

-Yeah.

-Why?

-Something to play with.

-I'm not sure that's a good idea.

I want tits.

It'd be a right kafuffle,

and anyway I thought you were against plastic surgery.

You said that cosmetic enhancement was symptomatic of a sick society that worships youth and beauty.

Anyone seeking the quick fix of physical change was left morally wanting.

-Yeah, I know.

-Well, then.

-I want tits though.

Oh, for the love...!

I look a pillock.

Our next stop is at this charming restaurant,

just off the A27390938662...

5.

The reason I've brought you here today is because one of our patients, Anne...

Have you met Anne? Have you met Anne?

Yes, well, she's got herself a job here as a pianist.

It's just a part-time job, but she does find playing the piano very calming.

# Eh-eh-eh

# Eh-eh-eh

# Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. #

That must be one of her own compositions.

# Eh-eh-eh

# Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh

# Eh...eh! #

Oh, careful - there's a slipper in your soup.

Eh-eh-eh.

Eh-eh-eh.

Eh?

Eh.

SQUELCHING

Thank you very much, you've been a wonderful audience.

Holidays can be booked at travel agents like this.

The word holiday is derived from the Greek word "holidius",

which directly translates as "sex with coach driver".

Could I just finish my coffee?

Yes, yes.

Sue, can you make me a cup of coffee?

That was foul. Do take a seat.

We've got our golden wedding anniversary coming up.

Yes, we'll have been married 50 years in August.

-We've been saving up and we've always promised ourselves a cruise.

-Maybe something with Saga.

Computer says no.

It gets booked up early, you see - old people.

Oh.

I've got another option - P&O.

-Oh!

-Where does that go?

-Dover to Calais.

No, we're looking for a proper cruise.

-I've got a good deal here...

-Yes?

The Russian cargo vessel taking nuclear waste to the Baltic.

-I really don't fancy that.

-All the pickled herring you can eat.

-No.

-No.

Do you have to be on a cruise ship or could you be in a canoe?

We're not keen on canoeing.

Shame, I've got some great deals here on PGL Adventure Holidays.

Are you under 16?

No.

No.

-We'll leave it then, thank you.

-WOMAN COUGHS

Can you put your hands over your mouth when you cough, please? That's disgusting.

Sorry.

Trivial Pursuit is Britain's second most popular board game...

after Poke Mummy.

"People and places." Ooh, this is a hard one for you -

who replaced Lord Carrington

as Britain's Foreign Secretary during the Falklands War?

Francis Pym.

Correct - how did you know that?

Well, in my little village of Pong Pong, we do have plenty newspaper.

Well, a piece of pie for you.

Pink.

Ooh, you'll never get this one.

What was BBC breakfast fitness queen Diana Moran better known as?

I used to have quite a thing for her.

The Green Goddess. Another go.

Hang on a sec - if you lived your whole life in Pong Pong, Ting Tong,

-how did you know about the Green Goddess?

-Erm, well...

Where exactly are you from, Ting Tong?

Ting Tong from Tooting.

Tooting Ting Tong, not Pong Pong?

Tooting, not Pong Pong for Ting Tong.

-Lies upon lies upon deceit upon lies!

-I'm sorry, Mr Dudley.

Come on, get out! Get out of my flat!

-But Mr Dudley...!

-That's it, pack your bags!

I want you out!

-Is that it then - six wonderful days over just like that?

-Yes, over.

-Is there nothing I can do?

-Nothing, nothing at all.

Hello, I Green Goddess.

I to get you up in the morning.

Oh, God.

You still want me go?

Not just yet.

But first let's go do warm-up.

It's half-past Top Cat, the indisputable boss cat,

and MP Sir Norman Fry is once again facing the press.

I have a statement I would like to read.

On Monday night, following a long meeting with the Chancellor, I needed to go to the toilet,

so I went to one that I knew would be open at three in the morning -

on Hampstead Heath.

Upon my arrival, I met two men,

Carlos and Eduardo, who invited me into their cubicle

to talk to them about government policy.

Unfortunately, I slipped on the wet floor

and became sandwiched between the two men

in a position that the arresting officer informed me

is known as a spit roast.

As far as I'm concerned, that is the end of it.

Oh, and by the way, Carlos,

if you've had the X-ray and found my watch, please do return it to me.

It belonged to my late father. Thank you.

It was a special birthday...

These are amongst the few fat people left in Britain

after her Majesty the Queen ordered a cull in her Jubilee year.

God bless you, ma'am.

..and I also tried something new, just on a stick.

Now, you may have noticed that we have a new face in our midst.

He is a new member and he is actually a very famous actor.

Now, we've had a word, he wants to lose a few pounds,

but he don't want to be treated any different, so will you please welcome from EastEnders, Charlie Slater!

Thank you.

I'm sorry, I called you Charlie, didn't I, love?

-What's your real name, my sweet?

-Derek, Derek Martin.

So, Charlie, welcome to the group.

-Hello...

-Hello.

Stop bothering him! Honestly, he's not even one of the main ones!

So, Charlie, what we do with all new members is we weigh them,

-so if you just want to pop up onto the scales for me, my love.

-Yeah.

SHE HUMS "EASTENDERS" THEME

No, don't, cos he's not here cos of that -

he's here, cos he's very fat, so let's not embarrass him. So, you are...

Actually I must just ask you... I never watch it myself, but what's gonna happen with Kat and Alfie?

Is their marriage gonna survive the affair or is he gonna leave her...?

I'm just here really to try and lose some weight.

Yeah, God, he's on telly, get over it!

I know what it's like being famous, because I've actually been in the audience on The Wright Stuff.

So, you are 16 stone 5.

That surprises me, because you're fat, but on telly you look REALLY fat,

-really grotesque.

-Thanks very much(!)

My pleasure, off you pop.

Give him room!

Now today, we're gonna be looking at calorie...

I must just ask, have you got Nigel Harman's phone number for me?

I don't think Nigel would want me to give it out.

Cor, Nigel Harman, eh, girls?

Eh? Phwoar! We like a bit of Nigel, don't we? Eh?

I would let him do some really grim stuff to me.

Nigel Harman, yeah? Nigel, yeah?

We like a bit of Nigel, don't we, yeah? Nigel, Nigel, yeah, Nigel!

-Sorry, Mira here probably doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about.

-Yes, EastEnders. I love it.

-No, I can't... Do it again.

-I love it.

-No, do it again.

-I love it.

-Do it again.

-I love it.

-Oh, right... No, do it again.

-I love it.

EastEnders, Mira - it's like the Mahabharat, only shorter.

So the thing about calorie... ..Actually, I must ask, what happens to Mo in the end?

-I don't know what you mean.

-What happens to her in the end?

-I don't know, we're not really told that.

-Oh. What happens to Pauline in the end?

-I dunno.

-What happens to Phil in the end?

-I don't know.

-What happens to Dot in the end?

Look, these things I don't know - it hasn't been decided yet.

No, but what happens to Ian in the end?

There isn't really an end - it just kind of carries on.

What happens to Sonia in the end?

I don't know what happens to any of these people!

Stop asking me what happens to all these people in the end!

-What happens to Pat in the end?

-Look, I'm sorry. I've just come here to lose some weight.

I didn't mean it to be a whole thing about being in EastEnders.

I've obviously made a mistake. I'm sorry, all right?

# Do do do-do-do... #

Give it a rest!

Shame on you.

# Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you... #

In Slut, Lettie Bell is celebrating her birthday.

Look at them - what a lot of old trouts!

# ..to me! #

Ah, a lovely froggie cake as well! Shame to cut it really.

We know you love your froggies.

Oh, I love me froggies me - I don't know why, but I do!

All of us clubbed together to get something special.

Ooh, something special, special something - what's that, then?

Ooh! That's a big one!

What is it?

Open it and find out.

Yeah, I'll find out when I open it, yeah.

What's that?

It's a REAL frog.

-It won't hurt you!

-There's nothing to be scared of.

Look, he's lovely. Go on, give him a stroke.

RIBBIT!

Ah!

It bit me! It bit me with its sharp frog teeth!

Get it out! Get it out of the house!

We'll have to take it back.

I thought she liked them.

Keep back!

CRUNCHING AND SQUISHING

Help yourself to cake.

Still, lovely froggie wrapping paper.

I can use that again.

At Hill Grange health spa,

former Miss Botswana, Desiree Devere,

is relaxing after her fried onion foot scrub.

Oh, hasn't that Victoria Beckham put on weight!

She looks grotesque!

What I'm using is a green algae mask,

-because your skin is quite sensitive.

-Yeah, that's lovely, it's very soothing.

Shh!

Everything all right, Gita?

Oh, yes, everything's fine, darling...

I mean, Mr Devere.

And now I give you massage.

No, thanks, Gita - I'll just have the facial today.

Ooh, that's very intimate.

Do you like?

Yeah. Ooh. Very pleasurable.

Oh, that's good, that's ample.

Do I have to pay extra for this?

No, it's all part of the service.

Ooh, you're bigger than you look, Gita.

You always liked me on top, didn't you, darling?

Yeah, I... Ooh, Bubbles!

Hello, darling!

Bubbles, you've got to stop...

quite soon.

-Darling, what are you doing?

-Hello, darling.

-It's not what it looks like.

Get off him, you jezebel!

Oh, don't worry, I'm gone.

Hope I haven't spoiled your honeymoon, darlings.

BUBBLES CACKLES

How could you do this to me, baby, with your ex-wife?!

I was tricked into it - I'm completely innocent.

Is that what you want, you want to get back with that harlot?

No, no, honestly - I hated every minute of it.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Naughty!

Our next stop on our journey is this supermarket,

situated in the ancient Roman city of Breakdance Two,

Electric Boogaloo.

Excuse me...

Yeah?

-Are you Orville?

-Yeah.

-Can I have your autograph, please?

Erm, yeah, erm...

-Have you got a pen?

-Yeah.

-Sorry, who's it to?

-It's me, John.

So, erm, where's Keith Harris, then?

-I don't know.

-It would just be funny if he was here.

Yeah, it's work, we don't spend every minute of the day together - we do have our own life as well.

He's very funny.

-Yeah, yeah, he's a really funny guy.

-Are you working on anything together at the moment or...?

No, no, we're sort of having a sabbatical at the moment,

trying to concentrate on some straight acting. I'm going up for a part in The Bill next week.

-Oh, right.

-Yeah, yeah, it's a one-off - it's the part of a racist copper.

-Oh, good luck with that.

-Cheers.

-Sorry, before I go...

You must get this all the time. Could you do Keith's voice?

Yeah, I'm just out shopping today - I don't really want to sort of draw attention to myself.

Yeah, sorry, I'll let you get on.

OK, cheers.

Oi, Orville, where's Keith?!

Oh, for God's sake!

At this restaurant in Upper Gonad,

couple Pat and Don are ordering a meal.

An onion bhaji, please - that is quite mild, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Mild!

-..And for sir?

-I'll just have a plate of curry powder, please.

-Don, no.

All right, I'll have the chicken jalfrezi, but can you have it spicy, please? I do like it spicy.

Service is slow today.

Yeah, I'm not coming here again. Oh, here he is.

-Oh, about time.

-Sorry for the delay.

Mmm! Mine's lovely, how's yours?

Mmm...!

Ooh, ooh...

Ooh, ooh...

# Godzilla! Doo doo-da-loo! Godzilla! Doo doo-da-loo!

# Godzilla! Doo doo-da-loo! And Godzuki... #

Ze fallen Madonna with ze big boobies...

Monkey...!

Runaround, now!

Mr Spencer!

Very flat, Norfolk.

What do you take me for, a fool?

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Barbara Dickson.

# Whoa, Bodyform...

# Bodyform for comfort

# Bodyform for confidence

# Bodyform for you! #

APPLAUSE

It's not spicy at all. # Oh, Macarena! #

The current Prime Minister, Michael Stevens, is proving very popular in the polls -

almost as popular as our previous leader, General Udu Umbago.

-It's just so humiliating for me.

-I know, darling, I'm so sorry.

Well, I suppose it was going to come out sooner or later.

Look, tomorrow it'll just be old news.

Let's put a statement through the Press Secretary saying it's a private matter.

Sarah, we're gonna get through this together.

Morning, Prime Minister.

Oh, hi, Sebastian. Just a little upset here.

Your car's here.

I'd better dash, I'm due in court.

Yes, good luck, darling.

So, Sebastian, I suppose you've heard the news.

Yeah, and I bought the book. I mean, as if you'd have an affair with the old Education Secretary -

-look at her, she's a right dog.

-Sebastian...

-Oh, this is my favourite bit...

"Michael gazed at me from across the room at the party conference - 20 minutes later, our bodies were united

"in passionate political union."

Ooh, lying cow.

It's true.

We were both young MPs,

both far away from home,

-Sarah and I had had our problems, and one thing lead to another.

-What?!

It finished a long time ago. Sarah's known about it for years. We've accepted it and moved on.

And just when did you think you were gonna tell ME?

-Sebastian, quite honestly, it's none of your business.

-You're still seeing her.

Oh, don't be silly.

I can smell her!

You wait till I'm gone, then you have her! You have her on this couch! Like this...

"Ooh, give it to me, hey?"

Or is it like this... "Ooh, that's deep!"

Do you laugh about me when you're together, do you? "Ha ha ha!"

It finished 15 years ago.

Prove it. Have her killed. You're the Prime Minister - one call will do it.

-It's the only way I know she means nothing to you!

-'MI5, Sue speaking.'

I'm so sorry - I've got the wrong number.

-'No bother, goodbye.'

-Come now, Sebastian.

Just tell me why? What did I do wrong? What does she give you that I can't?

Now, look, this book's gonna give me a rough ride for the next week.

I need people around me who can help me through it.

Now, if you can't, I'll find someone who can. OK?

Yeah, fine.

BUZZER

-'The German Chancellor is here.'

-Thank you.

Would you like to show him in, Sebastian?

Hi, slut's over there.

Donkey Hospice, money for the Donkey Hospice?

Our next stop is the southern town of Aching Balls.

-Donkey Hospice, money for the Donkey Hospice?

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, thank you.

-My father had a donkey.

Oh, did he?

Some stickers for you.

There we are.

And one for you.

The donkeys will be very pleased, thank you. Donkey Hospice...

In the village of Pox, Maggie is delivering the parish newsletter.

-Hello, Maggie.

-Hello, Judy, I've got the new parish newsletter for you.

-Oh, thank you very much.

I would ask you in, but I'm a little busy - my daughter's here with her fiance.

-Oh, well, I'd love to meet him.

-Yes, I'm not sure that's a good idea.

But he sounds so wonderful. You told me he went to Cambridge and he's now a barrister.

Yeah, er...well, come in, then.

We're just in the drawing room.

Whoa!

-Olivia you know.

-Hello.

Hello.

Pleased to me you. I'm James.

Yes,

lovely to meet you.

Did Mummy tell you we're getting married in August?

Well, I really must deliver the "He's black" newsletters, so...

Do stay for a cup of tea.

And you must have one of these -

they're delicious.

Oh, thank you.

Mmm, your mother's fruit cake is legendary.

Actually, MY mother made it. Let me get you some tea.

Are you all right?

Oh, no, Maggie, please - we've just had the carpet shampooed.

Whoaaaaa!

Whoaaaaa!

Whoaaaaa!

Now, do you take...

..sugar?

Actually, I really must deliver these.

Lovely to have met you. Goodbye. ..Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

Meanwhile, Lou has pawned his shoes to take Andy on a day trip.

Did you enjoy our little trip to Legoland?

-No, it was all just Lego.

-Oh, well, I'm sorry. I did say.

-What time is it?

-It's 4.30.

I'm gonna miss Dogtanian And The Three Muskehounds.

There's not a lot I can do. I don't want to break the speed limit.

-Faster!

-I thought you didn't like Dogtanian And The Three Muskehounds.

I thought you said that Dumas's classic characters

-of the canine counterparts were decidedly lacklustre.

-Yeah, I know.

Well, I promise I'll get you home in time for Jossy's Giants.

-Dogtanian!

-Oh, dear.

-Faster, faster!

-I'm going faster - I'm doing 80!

SIREN WAILS Oh, no!

PC Plod.

Oh, no.

Yes, I will pull over, sir, yes.

He doesn't look happy -

he's got a right cob on.

Step out the vehicle please, sir.

I'm very sorry, Mr Policeman, sir.

Right, I'd like your full name, please.

It's Louis Bob Todd.

Have you any idea how fast you were driving, sir?

I'm very sorry, Mr Policeman. I've got a friend here who's in a wheelchair...

MOTORBIKE DROWNS SPEECH

And tonight's episode of Little Britain was shown

as a tribute to Matt Lucas and David Walliams,

who are sadly still with us.

Our thoughts are with their friends and family at this difficult time.

Goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd - 2005

E-mail [email protected]