Episode 2 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain.

Man, it's easily the best Goddarn cotton-picking country in the world, yee-hah!

I went to France, I found it far too French.

Spain was full of Spaniards and Poland stank of farts,

but what makes Britain so moist and fragrant?

Why, it be the people.

Let's visit them now, pack it up, pack it in, let me begin.

This programme contains some strong language.

After a morning spent watching some traffic lights, Lou and Andy are returning home.

Oh, hello, how are you, all right, yeah? You keeping well?

Yeah, I am, thank you, yeah.

All right, I'll see you later.

-Hi.

-Welcome back.

Which one's Richard and which one's Judy?

I can't believe it, I've got through!

-Yes, I'll hold. Oh, my God, it's £1,000 a question!

-Let me do it.

-I'm not sure...

-I wanna do it.

-And who's on the line?

-I am.

-Sorry, who's there?

-Andy Pipkin.

Hi, Andy. You know the rules, don't you?

-It's very, very easy. We show you something and you just have to describe it to us.

-Yeah, I know.

-And for every one you get right, we give you £1,000.

-Yeah, I know.

Fine, OK then. Well, start the clock.

Let's go, one minute.

-Carrot.

-No, Andy, you have to describe it, you mustn't say what the thing actually is.

Yeah, I know.

OK, let's carry on.

Michael Parkinson.

That is Michael. You don't have to tell us who the person is, you just give us a clue and we guess.

-Yeah, I know.

-All right, let's carry on.

Mobile phone.

Jesus...

All right, look. We're running out of time.

-Let's just try one more quickly, Andy. Just describe it, OK?

-Er...

Come on, Andy, think, £1,000.

Pint of milk!

-BUZZER

-Oh, we're out of time, we're out of time.

Oh, I'm really sorry, mate.

You're the first person never to win anything.

Oh, dear. We'll be back after the break.

Oh, Andy, why didn't you let me do it?

Car!

-No, Andy, these are just adverts.

-Yeah, I know.

Laboratoire Garnier!

The British postal service is the best in the world.

Put a first class stamp on your letter and it's guaranteed

to possibly arrive at some point somewhere, if you're lucky.

Mrs Emery?

Oh, hello, dear. How was the operation?

Oh, very good, very good. They had me out in no time.

-Oh, that's good cos the hip's a big one, innit?

-It was a double hip.

Double hip. Well, you look very well on it. Where'd you have it done?

Erm...

-Queen Mary?

-Yes.

Very good there, very good doctors. Who'd you have?

Doctor, erm...

-Caridis?

-Erm, yes.

-Yeah, he did Sheila. You know Sheila Feer from the chemist?

-Yes...

She went in on a Tuesday and she was up and about by the weekend.

-<

-Cashier number one.

-It's your turn.

I'll get that for you, you save your hips.

Lovely to talk to you. I'll see you later, dear.

One second class stamp, please.

In Darkly Loon, ASBO enthusiast Vicky Pollard

has left half her kids at home as she begins her first day at work.

Right, wait there.

I'll just be a few hours.

Don't go giving me baby evils.

It's £3.80 an hour, easy work.

All you got to do is talk dirty to 'em.

Oh, my God, I can so do that, cos I'm, like, well a slag.

This is where you sit.

Your name is Sapphire.

You are six foot tall, top model from Paris.

Bog's over there.

PHONE RINGS

Answer the phone!

All right! God!

-Hello...

-'Hello, is that Sapphire then?'

No but, yeah but, no but, yeah, this is Spitfire,

and I'm wearing, like, really sexy knickers that I got from George at Asda.

What are you doing?

I'm thinking about having a bag of crisps.

You're not doing anything sexy, then?

Oh, no but, yeah but, no but, yeah but I am,

because I'm actually here with three girlfriends,

who are all, like, top models cos they all do, like, modelling

for the Freeman's catalogue and that.

What are their names?

Oh, summink really exotic, like Fererro, Rocher, and er...Twix.

What are you all doing?

Well, Fererro is smearing Chambourcy Hippopotamousse all over Rocher.

What's Twix doing?

Picking her feet and watching June Sarpong on T4.

Picking her feet? This is costing me £1 a minute!

Can you try and be a bit sexier, please?

Oh, my God, I so can't believe you just said that!

I'm the cotton J-Lo, and if Rochelle Atkins says I'm lying, don't listen to her

because her brother ate a goldfish for 50p.

I'm, like, well fit, because one time we was all in media studies

and I was wearing this really short skirt and Mr Jarman,

who everyone knows is a complete pervert, spent the whole lesson staring at my Muller Fruit Corner.

-Vicky?

-Yeah, who's this?

It's Uncle Pete.

Uncle Pete? Oh, my God, why are you ringing these phone lines?

That is well out of order! Put the phone down.

You won't tell Auntie Kath, will you?

No, I'm gonna call you back, this is, like, well costing you a lot.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

So the thing is, we're all covered in Chambourcy Hippopotamousse

and we're all, like, well licking it off each other

and I'm totally lezzing everyone up...

All done? OK, Uncle Pete, I'll see you Sunday. Bye!

It's five past Ming The Merciless, and in Bruise,

Dudley and Ting Tong have spent their first night together.

SHE BLOWS GENTLY

SHE BLOWS VIOLENTLY

Are you awake, Mr Dudwy?

Yes, I am, yes.

Did you have good time last night?

Yes, it was very pleasant.

Did you enjoy all these thing Ting Tong do for you?

Yes, I did.

I found it all to be a wonderful release, thank you, Ting Tong.

Would you like do it again?

Erm...

Yes, that would be most welcome, yes.

I'll just take little tinkle, then I'll return.

Don't be long, cupcake.

Missing you alweady, Mr Dudwy.

Oh, the flush isn't working.

Ting Tong!

Ting Tong, the flush isn't...

-No!

-Mr Dudwy, I can explain.

-No, no, no!

-You've got the...

-I'm sorry, Mr Dudwy, I was going to tell you.

-When?

After wedding.

There isn't gonna be a wedding.

What are you, anyway?

A ladyboy.

A what?

Yes, Mr Dudwy, it time you knew.

My real name not Ting Tong.

My real name Tong Ting.

Now get out of my flat, you lady-gay-boy!

I'm sorry, Mr Dudwy, I beg of you, please don't make me leave! Oh, Mr Dudwy!

Maybe you could stay just one more night.

At Hill Grange health spa, ex-international show-jumper Desiree

and her husband Reuben are making the most of their honeymoon.

I'm feeling very frisky today, my love.

Are you, bubby?

Like a man three-quarters of my age.

Well, let's go into the steamy room

and have a little bit of "how's your farthing!"

GIGGLING

Ooh! Ooh!

I can show you a thing or two.

And I have one or two things to show you.

Oh, Reuben!

-I love you so much.

-I love you too, bubby.

-Just the two of us.

-Alone at last.

Hello, darling.

Oh, Bubbles!

I trust you are enjoying your honeymoon.

It is so fatiguing to me.

You know, Bubbles, we're trying to have a little bit of private time.

Oh, don't worry, I'm so over you, you wouldn't believe it.

Good, because you're never gonna get him back, baby.

Well, that's fine by me!

I don't want him back after you've had your dirty paws all over him.

-How dare you compare me to a bear?

-You harlot.

You're a strumpet!

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Please, ladies, stop!

Oh, my love,

you appear to be missing something.

-What, my necklace?

-No.

My earrings, she take my earrings?

No, it's your, erm...

My wig, she's taken my wig!

I didn't even know I wore a wig.

Don't be ridiculous, darling, I don't have your wig!

Don't just stand there, baby, help me look for it!

Yeah, of course, my sweet.

Oh, it's like the Black Hole of Calcutta.

How dare you make personal remarks about my A-hole?!

Right, ladies, now that is enough.

I'll leave you to it.

Come on, it must be somewhere.

Yes, help me.

Miss Bubbles, will you be needing a bikini wax later?

No thank you, Gita darling, I'm letting it grow.

Champagne, champagne for everyone!

Meanwhile, in the new town of Dane Bowersville,

university lecturer Linda Flint is busy marking.

This pen is excellent.

KNOCKING

One moment!

Just put the top back on. ..Come in!

Hi, Linda.

Hello, Nina, take a seat.

What can I help you with today?

Well, I'm not really enjoying the contemporary women's poetry course.

Could I change to constructions of sexual identity in the works of Emily Bronte?

-Sounds a bit heavy, but if you're sure.

-Yeah.

I'll just check with Martin it's not too late.

Martin, it's Linda.

Got a student here, wants to know if she can change courses.

It's Nina.

You know Nina, long flowing skirts, lovely dangly earrings...

Looks like she's been slurping a cappuccino.

You'd get a stubble rash if you kissed her. Never heard of Immac.

That's right, Magnum PI.

-He says that's fine.

-Thanks.

-No problem.

Yes, Harriet saw her at the swimming baths, said it was like Chewbacca in a bikini.

Could you shut the door on the way out?

Why are people fat?

Because God hates them, so they attend diet classes like this.

Hello, Fat Fighters!

Come here, you. Mmm...

Later. Sorry we're late.

So, I bet you're all wondering who this new face is.

Well, this sexy MF is Derek, and he's my boyfriend.

Yeah, we just met a couple of days ago. Hello, everybody.

-ALL:

-Hello.

-It feels longer, though.

Feels like I've known you my whole life.

(Yeah.)

We met at the gym, he's a personal trainer.

She was in the sauna, not doing any exercise.

I don't just go in the sauna, Derek, I use the sun bed as well.

Anyway, I'm getting plenty of exercise now!

Ooh, it's a beast!

Now, what we're gonna do today,

we're gonna do something a bit different, shake it up a bit.

Derek's gonna get us all up exercising

and we're gonna see if we can't shift a few of them extra stone, hey, Pat?

-That's the one I was telling you about, the walrus.

-Is she...?

-No, that's the one who stinks, the old one. ..Hi, Tania!

-Hello.

And I should warn you that one over there is Meera,

she is of the Asian persuasion.

-Hello, Meera.

-Hello, Derek.

Not a word. ..Derek.

OK, gang, let's get up on our feet...

and we'll just start with some stretches.

You stretched me. Girls, once you've had black, you ain't going back!

Great.

So I want you to all get into pairs...

Oh, I haven't got anyone.

That's all right, love. You can come with me.

So I want one of you to put your hand on your partner's shoulder to balance,

lift your leg up behind you and stretch it.

-Ooh, you got lucky there, Tania!

-Yeah, I know, and he's all muscle.

Are you flirting again, Derek?

I'm just being friendly, Marge. OK, deep breaths, everybody.

Breathe from the diaphragm, which is here.

Actually, I wish I were 20 years younger.

You're actually very lucky because I'm not the jealous type,

but if you touch that shitting slag again, it's over.

I was only joking, Marjorie.

And you can shut up and all, you fat old ugly Lolita.

I'm not sure me being here's a good idea. I'll call you later.

Don't bother, you Christopher Casanova. You had me and you lost me.

And don't think I'm gonna come running after you because we are through, and that's right, screw you!

Just gotta get... something out the car.

WAILING: Don't go. I made a terrible mistake, I'm sorry. Please don't leave!

I'm not interested! You're fucking nuts!

NO!

Anybody got any chocolate?

Old people in Britain are abandoned in homes like this.

Hello, Mrs Carpenter, and how are we today?

All right.

Let's just get you up out of this chair.

There we are, OK?

That's better.

This is the local pub of out gay man Dafydd Thomas.

I thought I might be gay for a while,

until I met my lovely wife, Gerald.

Hello, Myfanwy, we'd like two Bacardi and Cokes, please.

Oh, coming right up.

-Who's this?

-This, everybody, is my girlfriend.

Your girlfriend?

That's right, Myfanwy, my girlfriend.

But...you are a gay.

I know, the only gay in the village,

but the people round here are so anti-gayist,

I've been forced to take myself a girlfriend.

I hope you're happy now.

So, you won't be having any bum fun at all, then?

No, Myfanwy, I'm going to be living a lie, tortured by my repressed sexuality.

My every waking moment is going to be a misery,

for I will never be able to tell her my shameful secret,

that I am gay, gay, gay, homosexual, gay.

Well, I think she might know by now.

Oh, no, she doesn't speak a word of English.

Well, what's her name?

No idea, I don't speak Spanish.

Well, does she speak Welsh?

I don't think so. She looked very bored during tonight's episode of Pobol Y Cym.

Oh, look at her, poor thing.

Mmm, I think she was on a rambling tour and got lost.

-SHOUTING:

-Are you all right, love?

Yo estabo con mi grupo de amigos, fuimos a la montana empece a tomar fotos.

Cuando volve, mis amigos no estaban alli. Y estoy colgada aqui.

Huh, women!

-Right, come along, dear.

-See you later, Dafydd.

Goodbye, Myfanwy. Well, I hope you people are satisfied.

My bottom, for now, remains sealed.

This shop sells paintings.

I myself am a great collector of art,

and have an original at home by Van Gogh.

Sally Van Gogh.

-Hello.

-Hello.

I did not see you there, have you been here long?

No, not long, just about a week or so.

-Right, can I help you?

-I was wondering if you could help me.

I'm looking to buy a painting of a disappointed horse.

-A disappointed horse?

-Yes.

Well, I'm not sure...

How about this one?

That horse looks more perturbed than disappointed.

Right... This one?

The horse looks disappointed, but not because it received bad news.

It looks more like it was disappointed

cos it had high expectations in life that have remained unfulfilled.

Now you say it, mmm.

How about this one?

I can see the disappointment, I can see the frustration,

but I can also sense a flicker of hope

that things may get better for this horse,

and that really isn't what I'm looking for.

One moment. ..Margaret! Margaret!

Yes?

There's a gentleman here wants to know if we have any paintings of a disappointed horse.

Have you shown him the perturbed one, the unfulfilled one,

and the one that appears disappointed, but ultimately has a flicker of hope?

-Yes.

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Ooh, I've got an idea. Roy! Roy!

Yes?

If he's looking for pictures of disappointed animals, we have a very good one of a vexed kitten.

Oh, she says we have a very good one of a vexed kitten.

No, I'm not sure that would make a nice painting.

An irked kitten, perhaps, but not vexed.

Oh, I don't know what to suggest.

Do you have any paintings featuring displeased owls?

Do you know, I think we may have just the thing.

Oh, where did I put it?

Oh, here it is!

Well, what do you reckon?

Oh, yes, that owl looks very displeased, I will take it.

I thought we'd never get there.

Yes, I have a painting of an inconvenienced badger. I can put it next to that.

Oh, right. Did you buy that here?

No, I bought it from the inconvenienced badger painting shop.

Oh, yes, I know it. How's business?

Slow.

Right, well, that'll be £100, please.

There you go.

Thank you.

I can't help thinking this owl looks more disillusioned than displeased.

-Get out or I will strangle you.

-Goodbye.

This couple are visiting their local Indian restaurant.

To my mind, anyone who eats foreign food is a traitor and should be shot at dawn.

I'll have the vegetable biryani, please.

That is quite mild, isn't it? And some plain rice.

Very good, and for sir?

Might one enquire as to the spiciest dish upon your menu, my good man?

The king prawn vindaloo is very spicy, sir.

Lovely, I'll have one of those, please. Thank you, friend.

Don, you don't like spicy food.

-Yes, I do.

-You don't.

-Woman, I do!

I like it spicy. Spicier the better.

Oh, that was quick.

Yeah, it's good service here.

Mmm! Oh, yeah.

Mine's delicious, how's yours?

Mmm.

# De de de de de, de de de de de

# S-Express! #

Milky milky!

# Super Match game, Super Match game Super Match game. #

You are a member of the Rebel Alliance, and a spy.

A cup a tea and a slice of cake, Aunt Sally.

# The phantom of the opera is here Inside my mind. #

Bit mild, actually.

# Super Match game. #

In St Saddam's Hospital,

Maggie is recovering from a kidney transplant.

-Hello, Maggie.

-Hello, dear.

-How are you today?

Well, I'm perfectly fine. I told them I'm ready to go home.

Now, Maggie, you've had a very serious operation.

You must listen to the doctors.

I got you these.

Oh, South African.

I'll have those later.

Mrs Blackamore?

-Yes.

-How's the new kidney?

It's fine, thank you, doctor.

I would love to know the name of the donor, I feel I should write to the family and thank them.

Well, I shouldn't really tell you, but I believe it was a Mrs...Banagi.

Maggie?

Are you all right, Mrs Blackamore?

Bleurgh!

Bleurgh!

Bleurgh!

Bleurgh!

Do you have any other kidneys lying around?

It's five past nicky nacky noo noo, and at the Houses of Parliament,

Prime Minister's questions is taking place.

..I refer the honourable member to the answer I gave some moments ago.

-JEERING

-Leader of the opposition.

I don't know if the Prime Minister has had an opportunity to view

the front page of the Sun newspaper today.

LAUGHTER

It shows two photographs of the Prime Minister,

illustrating how old and tired he looks.

-Might I suggest that the honourable member is looking as old and tired as his policies.

-Order, order!

In answer to the honourable gentleman,

I've not seen the publication.

-Prime Minister may be glad to know I have a copy here.

-Order, order.

Perhaps this is the time for the honourable member to retire.

CHEERING

This is, erm...nothing but a personal attack on me.

My appearance is...

It's not...

It's, it's...

# You are beautiful No matter what they say

# Words can't bring you down

# Yes, you are beautiful In every single way

# Words can't bring you down

# So don't you bring me down today

# Every day is so wonderful

# Then suddenly it's hard to breathe

# Cos we are beautiful No matter what you say

# Yes, words can't bring us down No, no, no

# So don't you bring us down

# Today-y-y-y-y...

# ..y-y-y-y-y-y-y. #

(You're beautiful.)

Thank you, Sebastian.

Can we get him working for us?

Lou and Andy are sailing down the River Thames.

The Thames was modelled on the opening credits of EastEnders.

-..To protect the city from the risk of flooding.

-This is boring.

But you've been wanting to come on this boat trip for ages.

You always said the only way to see London was via its ancient waterways,

-which was like a pulsating artery through the heart of this historic city.

-Yeah, I know.

-Well, then.

-It's boring.

Would a choc ice make any difference?

Maybe.

We'll get you a choc ice, then.

There, that's a nice choc ice, that one, yes.

Andy?

Andy, where are you? Andy!

Andy? Andy!

And so we conclude our journey round Little Britain.

If you have found this show in any way distasteful,

and wish to make a complaint,

please write to the Chuckle Brothers, care of CBBC.

Good sigh.

Andy!