Episode 1 Little Britain

Britain, Britain, Britain - a bloody lovely place to live.

Discovered in 1972, lost in 1974,

then found again a few years later hiding under Belgium.

But what makes Britain so fandabidozy?

Why, it's the great British public.

Ah, push it, push it good.

Ah, push it, push it real good.

At Hill Grange Health Spa, ex-Olympic gymnast, Bubbles Devere, is off to have her breakfast.

Ah, good morning, darling.

I'm going for breakfast, please service my room.

Quickly, hurry up, thank you, darling.

Are you sticking to your diet, Mrs Devere?

Oh, yes, Fenella, I'm just having Special K this morning.

Hello, girls. Hello, Rita darling.

Don't forget I'm having a fondue facial at 12.

Hello, Mrs Papadopoulos, how was your anal bleaching?

I'll have a look later, darling.

I don't believe it!

Hello, Bubbles.

I didn't know you were staying here.

I haven't seen you since the divorce.

Well, I thought it was better if we didn't communicate for a while.

Are you here with...her?

If you mean Desiree, then yes.

Oh, goody. So I'm finally gonna meet the woman who destroyed our marriage.

Is she as beautiful as they say?

I think so, yes. Darling...

Desiree, I don't believe you've met my ex-wife, Bubbles.

Hello, baby, so nice to meet you.

Don't forget, sugar, we have our honeymoon massage at 10.

Nice to see you again, Bubbles.

THEY SNIGGER

I wouldn't have that Munch Bunch yoghurt if I were you, darling.

Why is that, baby?

You already look like a hippo, darling.

Oh... Do I, baby?

Yeah, baby.

Hippo like you belong in the zoo.

Desiree, please.

Maybe baby's right.

Maybe I shouldn't have this Munch Bunch raspberry yoghurt after all.

-You little slut.

-You fat bitch, get your hands off me.

-Please, stop them.

-Yeah, let's not be too hasty.

In the words of the famous song, this is the dawning of the age of the aquarium.

-Andy, a cuttlefish.

-Yeah, I know.

-"A cuttlefish lives in more tropical climes and feeds on plankton."

-Yeah, I know.

Are you enjoying the aquarium, Andy?

It's boring!

I thought you loved sea life.

I thought you said that the underwater world had a sublime beauty

-that mankind as a species could scarcely comprehend.

-Yeah, I know.

-I thought we was going swimming though.

-Oh, no this is an aquarium.

You go swimming in a swimming pool.

-Yeah, I know.

-Well, then, let's see if I can find the octopuses.

Excuse me aquarium employee, could you tell me where the octopuses are?

We have a few octopi.

They're just down the next corridor past the sea horses.

-It's octopi, is it?

-Yes.

-What did I say?

-Octopuses.

Oh, silly me. Always getting me pusses and me pie mixed up.

If you just go past there, over the next corridor to the right

-and there's some electric eels.

-Any Conga eels?

-I'm afraid not.

At the Mike McShane estate in Bruise, a long awaited visitor has finally arrived.

Not long now, my sweet.

DOORBELL RINGS

-No!

-Hello, Mr Dudwee.

No, no, you're not Ting Tong.

I am Ting Tong. Ting Tong Macadangdang.

Wait there.

Oh, so this home now.

No, I said wait at the door.

Look, you're not Ting Tong.

I am Ting Tong, that is me. Mmm.

Yeah, is good photo, I give you that, is good photo.

-Yeah, I want my deposit back.

-Come and sit with Ting Tong.

Let us know each other before we have good time.

So, I Ting Tong, I'm from village tiny in Thailand.

I'm 19. I'm beautician. Here is picture of my family.

Hopefully they come live with us soon.

I'm sorry, you're gonna have to leave.

But I want to be good wife of you.

Look, I know you've had a long journey...

-Much of it on foot.

-Much of it on foot, but I've paid £80, I think somebody's sold me up the swanny.

But I am love you.

Well, I'm very flattered but you're gonna have to leave.

You think I'm ugly don't you?

No, no-one's saying you're hideous.

There's obviously been some kind of administrational error.

Look, you nip back to Thailand and we'll sort it out.

-Oh, please don't make me leave Mr Dudley, please.

-No.

-Mr Dudley...

-No, now come on.

Oh, please don't make me leave!

Please, Mr Dudley, please!

Maybe just stay tonight and we'll see what happens.

After a productive morning sending bullying text messages to younger

children, Vicky and her gang are returning to their estate.

Who the Hollyoaks Omnibus is that?

Chantelle Baker's gang.

-Who?!

-They live down Saint Paul's.

No, but yeah, but no, but what are they doing on our patch or nothing or sort of like thing?

-Cos they are well gonna get beaten...

-Cool it Vicky, they're well 'ard.

-Yeah, they gave the Redmond sisters a bog wash.

-They don't scare me.

Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm just Vicky Pollard from round the corner from the block.

V to the P to Icky to the Ollard.

Oh, my God.

This is well hectic.

Hey, you.

What you doing on our patch you total bunch of minging dog bitches?

DRUM AND BASS MUSIC

We is well the best dancers.

Mrs Emery is what we in Britain call an OAP.

Which stands for Old And Putrid.

-Hello, Mrs Emery.

-Oh, hello dear.

I met you at the jumble sale.

-Oh, yeah.

-I hear they raised a lot of money.

Well, that's good cos they need that new roof.

Did you meet the new vicar that day?

Erm, yes, yes.

Very nice, isn't he? Young for a vicar but very nice. Lovely smile.

Yes, he is nice.

Pick up anything at the sale?

No, not really.

I got a lovely book on handicrafts and a very nice set of thimbles.

Oh...

-Lovely.

-I can't stand here chatting all day, I'll see you later, dear.

Mind out, someone's spilt something, ta-ta.

In Britain we can proudly say we have transvestites from all walks of life.

Between 1979 and 1990, even the British Prime Minister was a transvestite.

Oh, sorry Emily, I overslept.

Erm, I think you may have forgotten something, my dear.

Oh, really, what's that?

Er, well, er, ah, come with me, my dear.

Oh, this is exciting.

-Regardez.

-Oh, do my earrings not go with my...?

Oh, oh, Florence, help me. I'm a lady with a beard, help me!

-Calm down, dear.

-I can't! I'm a bearded lady!

-What happened?

Oh, I forgot to shave this morning. It grows so fast!

Here, take this.

-Oh, what am I to do?

-I don't know.

Oh, there's a chemist over there, they may have something for you.

Yes, gents?

My LADY friend here needs to talk to you about something rather embarrassing.

-Yes, I have a very slight facial hair problem.

-Can I see?

It's not very noticeable, I know, but I know it's there and it's not very ladylike, is it?

No.

Well, the razors are over there.

But I can't use a razor, I'm a lady.

Well, some ladies who come here with your...

-problem...

-Problem, yes.

They like to use this.

It bleaches the hair.

-I see, and this is for ladies, is it?

-Yes.

Very well, I'll take 12 tubs.

Would you like to take a tub?

I beg your pardon?

You do have a slight moustache problem.

-How dare you!

-You DO. HE MOUTHS: He does.

Are you sure you can't see it?

Honestly, my dear, you wouldn't know it was there.

In Buxom, Sir Norman Fry MP has called a press conference.

-PRESS GANG:

-Can we have a statement please, sir?

When are you resigning?

I, er, I have a statement I would like to read.

On Tuesday night, following a late meeting at party headquarters,

I decided to go for a relaxing drive through the King's Cross area.

Whilst there, I saw a young Rastafarian gentleman on the side of the road.

As one of my constituents, I felt it my duty to stop and offer him a lift.

During the journey, I pulled over into a nearby alleyway,

so that I could safely reach into the glove compartment and take out a Murray Mint.

At this point, I fell on top of him

and I regret to say a part of my body accidentally entered him.

As far as I'm concerned, that is the end of the matter.

Thank you.

Carol Beer has left her job at the bank and is now delighting customers

at this travel agent's in the new town of Spongebob Squarepants.

That's all booked for you, Mr Ryan.

One fly-drive return to Toronto.

-Thank you. I'm so looking forward to it, I haven't seen my daughter in four years.

-No.

One thing I forgot to say, is it possible for me to have a vegetarian meal on the plane?

I'll just have to cancel your booking.

-Oh, don't do that.

-Right, done that.

-So you wanted to fly to Toronto on the 14th?

-Yes.

Computer says "No".

-What?

-You had the last ticket, someone must have taken it.

I just need a flight to Toronto but with a vegetarian meal.

I can get you a vegetarian meal...

..on a flight to Berlin.

-That will be leaving tonight.

-The meal isn't that important.

It's a lentil bake with a rocket salad.

-No, I don't want that.

-I'll just put that on hold for you in case you change your mind.

Or I've got a nut rissole on a flight to Beijing.

That leaves in ten minutes.

No.

I've got a piece of marinated tofu on a flight to Vancouver?

Vancouver, that could work.

It's taxiing now, if you run you might just get it.

Obviously not then.

No.

Can I get to Toronto the following day instead?

Computer says "No".

You didn't even type anything in then.

Computer says "No".

Thank you very much(!)

Oh, hang on, hang on...

Yes?

SHE COUGHS

Goodbye.

Over in the Welsh mining village of Llanddewi Brefi

little fat poofer Dafydd Thomas has finally found a vocation in life.

-Evening, Dafydd.

-Yeah, I'm gay, get with the programme.

There's your port, Mr Jenkins.

Oh, thank you, love.

Evening, Dafydd.

Good evening, Myfanwy. I think I'll have a Bacardi and Coke, please.

Coming right up.

That's a very skimpy little number you're wearing there.

-Mmm, it's for my new job.

-Oh, yes.

Yes, I've become a rent boy.

A rent boy?

That's right, Myfanwy, I've got the looks,

I've got the body, I'm a young gay guy, why shouldn't I just go for it?

-How's business?

-Slow, but tonight is the first night.

Have you advertised?

Yes, Mrs Jones has put a card up in the post office and the vicar

has very kindly said he'll give me a mention in the parish news.

Well, Dafydd if it gets you some bum fun, I'm all for it.

And I very much doubt I'll pick up any trade, Myfanwy, everybody knows I am the only gay in the village.

Excuse me, are you Scott?

Oh, erm, yes.

-I'll leave you boys to it.

-No, don't go, I...

Well, it said in the advert you look like Dermot O'Leary.

That's right, yes, in his younger days.

It's not quite what I expected but I've had an hard day, so have you got somewhere we can go?

Yes, well I thought we'd go to Mrs Evans' tea rooms

and then I thought we could have a wander round some of the charity shops...

That's not quite what I had in mind, Scott.

-Who's Scott?

-You are.

Oh, yes.

How much for a good hard shag?

Myfanwy!

I'm serving Mr Jenkins.

Look, I only hold hands on a first date.

Bloody time-waster.

I think you'd better get me another Bacardi and Coke please, Myfanwy.

Dafydd Thomas, what are you like? Rent boy indeed.

Yes, I'd better go and see Mrs Jones and ask her to take that advert down.

Yes, first thing tomorrow.

Scott?

Just over there.

In Gash, Dr Lawrence is showing Dr Begris how one of his patients is progressing.

Oh, goodness it's nearly time.

This is going to prove just how far Anne's come in the past six months.

It'll be wonderful for her self confidence.

It'll also tell everybody a lot about the hospital too.

But now it's been her dream to be on this show for many years.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Anne.

APPLAUSE

Hi Anne, thanks for coming.

-Lovely cardigan.

-Thank you.

Tell me, do you have any funny stories that have happened over the years?

No.

OK, so, erm, tell me a little bit about the person you're going to be, give us your clues.

She's originally from Quebec.

She represented Switzerland in the Eurovision Song Contest.

She sung the theme tune to Titanic and she's got an old fat husband with a beard.

OK, so tell us, Anne, who are you going to be tonight?

-Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be Celine Dion.

-Celine Dion!

APPLAUSE

Good luck, enjoy it.

She helps out every other Wednesday at a charity shop in Hawley, but tonight, singing live, Anne is...

Celine Dion!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "My Heart Will Go On"

Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-ah.

APPLAUSE

Eh-eh. Eh.

Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.

Eh-eeehhhhh.

Eh-eh-ehh!

Eh-eh-eh.

She sounds quite a lot like her, doesn't she?

Formerly Dudley Polytechnic, this university was opened by Sir Darren Day in 1994.

Yeah, but can I do my extended essay on modes of sexual discourse

in the works of Jane Austin? We did study that last term.

-I don't know what the rules are on this. Martin'll know.

-Oh, it's all right I can go to his office.

-No, no, it's better if I phone him.

-Oh, OK.

Martin, it's Linda.

I've got Robin Dashwood in front of me.

Wants to know if he can write his extended essay on Jane Austin?

Robin, you know Robin, lots of jazzy waistcoats, colourful glasses, always smiling.

Puts you in mind of a young Elmer Fudd.

Fell out of the same tree as Duncan Goodhew.

Could be mistaken for a boiled egg.

That's right - Baldy!

He says that's fine.

Thanks very much.

Oh, could you come here for a second, Robin.

That's better.

These people are what we in Britain fondly call fat pigs.

In Sessex, Marjory Dawes is hosting her weekly Fat Fighters group meeting.

Hello, Fat Fighters. Hope you've had a good week.

Now, today we're going to be talking about binge eating.

Yes, I know the spray tan went wrong.

So what kind of foods are binge foods?

Foods that we binge on when we want to have a binge. Yes, Paul?

Terry's Chocolate Orange?

Comes in a big orange wrapper,

-it's like chocolate...

-Yes, thank you. I know what it is, yes.

Right.

Chucklet.

I did ask for San Tropez but they gave me Hawaiian Sunset.

Anyone else?

-For me it's fizzy drinks.

-What, like Tango?

Fizzy drinks.

Any more?

Yes, Mira.

Marmalade.

Sorry, I couldn't understand a word.

She said marmalade.

Did she?

Conserves.

Any more, any more serious suggestions?

Satsumas.

Satsumas isn't really a binge food.

No, but it is orange.

LAUGHTER

Have you quite finished?

I'm shocked really that you of all people would pick on someone for the way they look.

I mean, I may be orange but YOU ARE SUMMIN' ELSE!

You're fat, oh, man you're fat, you are a big fat thing, you fatty, fatty, fatty!

New member? Come and take a seat, my love.

I won't be one moment. Where was I? Oh, yes, fat cow, fat cow,

FAT...COW!

If you collect enough tokens on the back of special packets of Cocoa Pops,

you too can send off and become Prime Minister.

I hardly need to tell you Prime Minister of the damage

if the government were found selling arms to Iran.

Robert, that's not what I was doing.

Then where did the Sunday Times get this story from?

Excuse me, Prime Minister.

Look dear, he said he didn't do it, so he didn't do it!

Honestly!

You don't want a back bench rebellion on this, Prime Minister,

there's already talk of a leadership challenge.

Such a stirrer.

Sebastian, thank you.

Robert, you have my word on this.

Very well.

I shall see you at Prime Minister's Questions.

Sebastian, will you show the Chancellor out.

Just cos you want to be Prime Minister.

-I do not.

-You do. She does!

Sebastian, would you lock the door. Come over here, please.

-I have something rather private that I need to show you.

-Yes?

Something...

-quite sensitive.

-Mmm.

It could be potentially very explosive.

Oh, Prime Minister, I want it so bad.

It's this file.

Oh, yes, this file, yes.

I want this file so bad, yes. What is it?

It's an intelligence file that I need you to destroy for me.

Oh, OK.

Arms deals with Iran.

-But you just told the Chancellor there were no arms deals with Iran.

-Yes.

-You lied.

-Yes.

But I thought you were perfect.

-I need you to shred this.

-But if this got out it would...

Sebastian, please.

Just do this favour for me.

Of course, Prime Minister.

But first, Prime Minister,

how about you do a favour for me?

Don't forget the bottom shelf, Prime Minister.

Air shows in Britain have been taking place since Medieval times.

Although they only really became popular with the invention of the aeroplane.

Hey, Andy, where are you?

Andy! Andy!

Oh, excuse me St John's Ambulance lady, sorry to bother you,

I'm looking for my friend Andy, that's his wheelchair.

I can't think what's happened to him.

Well, I can get them to put out a call on the Tannoy.

-Well, I don't want to cause a whole kafuffle.

-Oh, no, no, it's no trouble.

Well, if you wouldn't mind, I'm a bit worried and I don't want him to miss the Red Arrows.

You wait here and I'll get them to put out a call.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Oh, Andy, where are you?

-I'm right here.

-Oh, there you are.

I was worried sick.

Is that your parachute or...?

So we say, "Farewell Little Britain."

I myself must bounce now, as I did promise my homies that we would

chill for a bit, have a glass or two of pimp juice and God willing, get ourselves some sweet booty.

Bye-bye!

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