Episode 1 Little Britain


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Episode 1

Matt Lucas and David Walliams take a comedic look at British life in this popular sketch series. New characters include corpulent health-spa guest Desiree and Thai bride Ting Tong.


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Transcript


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Britain, Britain, Britain - a bloody lovely place to live.

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Discovered in 1972, lost in 1974,

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then found again a few years later hiding under Belgium.

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But what makes Britain so fandabidozy?

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Why, it's the great British public.

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Ah, push it, push it good.

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Ah, push it, push it real good.

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At Hill Grange Health Spa, ex-Olympic gymnast, Bubbles Devere, is off to have her breakfast.

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Ah, good morning, darling.

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I'm going for breakfast, please service my room.

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Quickly, hurry up, thank you, darling.

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Are you sticking to your diet, Mrs Devere?

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Oh, yes, Fenella, I'm just having Special K this morning.

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Hello, girls. Hello, Rita darling.

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Don't forget I'm having a fondue facial at 12.

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Hello, Mrs Papadopoulos, how was your anal bleaching?

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I'll have a look later, darling.

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I don't believe it!

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Hello, Bubbles.

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I didn't know you were staying here.

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I haven't seen you since the divorce.

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Well, I thought it was better if we didn't communicate for a while.

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Are you here with...her?

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If you mean Desiree, then yes.

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Oh, goody. So I'm finally gonna meet the woman who destroyed our marriage.

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Is she as beautiful as they say?

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I think so, yes. Darling...

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Desiree, I don't believe you've met my ex-wife, Bubbles.

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Hello, baby, so nice to meet you.

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Don't forget, sugar, we have our honeymoon massage at 10.

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Nice to see you again, Bubbles.

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THEY SNIGGER

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I wouldn't have that Munch Bunch yoghurt if I were you, darling.

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Why is that, baby?

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You already look like a hippo, darling.

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Oh... Do I, baby?

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Yeah, baby.

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Hippo like you belong in the zoo.

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Desiree, please.

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Maybe baby's right.

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Maybe I shouldn't have this Munch Bunch raspberry yoghurt after all.

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-You little slut.

-You fat bitch, get your hands off me.

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-Please, stop them.

-Yeah, let's not be too hasty.

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In the words of the famous song, this is the dawning of the age of the aquarium.

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-Andy, a cuttlefish.

-Yeah, I know.

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-"A cuttlefish lives in more tropical climes and feeds on plankton."

-Yeah, I know.

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Are you enjoying the aquarium, Andy?

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It's boring!

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I thought you loved sea life.

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I thought you said that the underwater world had a sublime beauty

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-that mankind as a species could scarcely comprehend.

-Yeah, I know.

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-I thought we was going swimming though.

-Oh, no this is an aquarium.

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You go swimming in a swimming pool.

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-Yeah, I know.

-Well, then, let's see if I can find the octopuses.

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Excuse me aquarium employee, could you tell me where the octopuses are?

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We have a few octopi.

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They're just down the next corridor past the sea horses.

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-It's octopi, is it?

-Yes.

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-What did I say?

-Octopuses.

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Oh, silly me. Always getting me pusses and me pie mixed up.

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If you just go past there, over the next corridor to the right

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-and there's some electric eels.

-Any Conga eels?

-I'm afraid not.

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At the Mike McShane estate in Bruise, a long awaited visitor has finally arrived.

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Not long now, my sweet.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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-No!

-Hello, Mr Dudwee.

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No, no, you're not Ting Tong.

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I am Ting Tong. Ting Tong Macadangdang.

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Wait there.

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Oh, so this home now.

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No, I said wait at the door.

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Look, you're not Ting Tong.

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I am Ting Tong, that is me. Mmm.

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Yeah, is good photo, I give you that, is good photo.

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-Yeah, I want my deposit back.

-Come and sit with Ting Tong.

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Let us know each other before we have good time.

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So, I Ting Tong, I'm from village tiny in Thailand.

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I'm 19. I'm beautician. Here is picture of my family.

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Hopefully they come live with us soon.

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I'm sorry, you're gonna have to leave.

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But I want to be good wife of you.

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Look, I know you've had a long journey...

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-Much of it on foot.

-Much of it on foot, but I've paid £80, I think somebody's sold me up the swanny.

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But I am love you.

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Well, I'm very flattered but you're gonna have to leave.

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You think I'm ugly don't you?

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No, no-one's saying you're hideous.

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There's obviously been some kind of administrational error.

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Look, you nip back to Thailand and we'll sort it out.

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-Oh, please don't make me leave Mr Dudley, please.

-No.

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-Mr Dudley...

-No, now come on.

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Oh, please don't make me leave!

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Please, Mr Dudley, please!

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Maybe just stay tonight and we'll see what happens.

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After a productive morning sending bullying text messages to younger

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children, Vicky and her gang are returning to their estate.

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Who the Hollyoaks Omnibus is that?

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Chantelle Baker's gang.

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-Who?!

-They live down Saint Paul's.

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No, but yeah, but no, but what are they doing on our patch or nothing or sort of like thing?

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-Cos they are well gonna get beaten...

-Cool it Vicky, they're well 'ard.

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-Yeah, they gave the Redmond sisters a bog wash.

-They don't scare me.

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Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm just Vicky Pollard from round the corner from the block.

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V to the P to Icky to the Ollard.

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Oh, my God.

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This is well hectic.

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Hey, you.

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What you doing on our patch you total bunch of minging dog bitches?

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DRUM AND BASS MUSIC

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We is well the best dancers.

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Mrs Emery is what we in Britain call an OAP.

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Which stands for Old And Putrid.

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-Hello, Mrs Emery.

-Oh, hello dear.

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I met you at the jumble sale.

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-Oh, yeah.

-I hear they raised a lot of money.

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Well, that's good cos they need that new roof.

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Did you meet the new vicar that day?

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Erm, yes, yes.

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Very nice, isn't he? Young for a vicar but very nice. Lovely smile.

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Yes, he is nice.

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Pick up anything at the sale?

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No, not really.

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I got a lovely book on handicrafts and a very nice set of thimbles.

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Oh...

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-Lovely.

-I can't stand here chatting all day, I'll see you later, dear.

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Mind out, someone's spilt something, ta-ta.

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In Britain we can proudly say we have transvestites from all walks of life.

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Between 1979 and 1990, even the British Prime Minister was a transvestite.

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Oh, sorry Emily, I overslept.

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Erm, I think you may have forgotten something, my dear.

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Oh, really, what's that?

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Er, well, er, ah, come with me, my dear.

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Oh, this is exciting.

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-Regardez.

-Oh, do my earrings not go with my...?

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Oh, oh, Florence, help me. I'm a lady with a beard, help me!

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-Calm down, dear.

-I can't! I'm a bearded lady!

-What happened?

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Oh, I forgot to shave this morning. It grows so fast!

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Here, take this.

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-Oh, what am I to do?

-I don't know.

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Oh, there's a chemist over there, they may have something for you.

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Yes, gents?

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My LADY friend here needs to talk to you about something rather embarrassing.

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-Yes, I have a very slight facial hair problem.

-Can I see?

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It's not very noticeable, I know, but I know it's there and it's not very ladylike, is it?

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No.

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Well, the razors are over there.

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But I can't use a razor, I'm a lady.

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Well, some ladies who come here with your...

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-problem...

-Problem, yes.

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They like to use this.

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It bleaches the hair.

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-I see, and this is for ladies, is it?

-Yes.

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Very well, I'll take 12 tubs.

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Would you like to take a tub?

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I beg your pardon?

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You do have a slight moustache problem.

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-How dare you!

-You DO. HE MOUTHS: He does.

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Are you sure you can't see it?

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Honestly, my dear, you wouldn't know it was there.

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In Buxom, Sir Norman Fry MP has called a press conference.

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-PRESS GANG:

-Can we have a statement please, sir?

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When are you resigning?

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I, er, I have a statement I would like to read.

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On Tuesday night, following a late meeting at party headquarters,

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I decided to go for a relaxing drive through the King's Cross area.

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Whilst there, I saw a young Rastafarian gentleman on the side of the road.

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As one of my constituents, I felt it my duty to stop and offer him a lift.

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During the journey, I pulled over into a nearby alleyway,

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so that I could safely reach into the glove compartment and take out a Murray Mint.

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At this point, I fell on top of him

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and I regret to say a part of my body accidentally entered him.

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As far as I'm concerned, that is the end of the matter.

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Thank you.

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Carol Beer has left her job at the bank and is now delighting customers

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at this travel agent's in the new town of Spongebob Squarepants.

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That's all booked for you, Mr Ryan.

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One fly-drive return to Toronto.

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-Thank you. I'm so looking forward to it, I haven't seen my daughter in four years.

-No.

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One thing I forgot to say, is it possible for me to have a vegetarian meal on the plane?

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I'll just have to cancel your booking.

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-Oh, don't do that.

-Right, done that.

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-So you wanted to fly to Toronto on the 14th?

-Yes.

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Computer says "No".

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-What?

-You had the last ticket, someone must have taken it.

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I just need a flight to Toronto but with a vegetarian meal.

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I can get you a vegetarian meal...

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..on a flight to Berlin.

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-That will be leaving tonight.

-The meal isn't that important.

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It's a lentil bake with a rocket salad.

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-No, I don't want that.

-I'll just put that on hold for you in case you change your mind.

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Or I've got a nut rissole on a flight to Beijing.

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That leaves in ten minutes.

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No.

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I've got a piece of marinated tofu on a flight to Vancouver?

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Vancouver, that could work.

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It's taxiing now, if you run you might just get it.

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Obviously not then.

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No.

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Can I get to Toronto the following day instead?

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Computer says "No".

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You didn't even type anything in then.

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Computer says "No".

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Thank you very much(!)

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Oh, hang on, hang on...

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Yes?

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SHE COUGHS

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Goodbye.

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Over in the Welsh mining village of Llanddewi Brefi

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little fat poofer Dafydd Thomas has finally found a vocation in life.

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-Evening, Dafydd.

-Yeah, I'm gay, get with the programme.

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There's your port, Mr Jenkins.

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Oh, thank you, love.

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Evening, Dafydd.

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Good evening, Myfanwy. I think I'll have a Bacardi and Coke, please.

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Coming right up.

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That's a very skimpy little number you're wearing there.

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-Mmm, it's for my new job.

-Oh, yes.

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Yes, I've become a rent boy.

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A rent boy?

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That's right, Myfanwy, I've got the looks,

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I've got the body, I'm a young gay guy, why shouldn't I just go for it?

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-How's business?

-Slow, but tonight is the first night.

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Have you advertised?

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Yes, Mrs Jones has put a card up in the post office and the vicar

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has very kindly said he'll give me a mention in the parish news.

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Well, Dafydd if it gets you some bum fun, I'm all for it.

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And I very much doubt I'll pick up any trade, Myfanwy, everybody knows I am the only gay in the village.

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Excuse me, are you Scott?

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Oh, erm, yes.

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-I'll leave you boys to it.

-No, don't go, I...

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Well, it said in the advert you look like Dermot O'Leary.

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That's right, yes, in his younger days.

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It's not quite what I expected but I've had an hard day, so have you got somewhere we can go?

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Yes, well I thought we'd go to Mrs Evans' tea rooms

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and then I thought we could have a wander round some of the charity shops...

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That's not quite what I had in mind, Scott.

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-Who's Scott?

-You are.

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Oh, yes.

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How much for a good hard shag?

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Myfanwy!

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I'm serving Mr Jenkins.

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Look, I only hold hands on a first date.

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Bloody time-waster.

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I think you'd better get me another Bacardi and Coke please, Myfanwy.

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Dafydd Thomas, what are you like? Rent boy indeed.

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Yes, I'd better go and see Mrs Jones and ask her to take that advert down.

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Yes, first thing tomorrow.

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Scott?

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Just over there.

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In Gash, Dr Lawrence is showing Dr Begris how one of his patients is progressing.

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Oh, goodness it's nearly time.

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This is going to prove just how far Anne's come in the past six months.

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It'll be wonderful for her self confidence.

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It'll also tell everybody a lot about the hospital too.

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But now it's been her dream to be on this show for many years.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Anne.

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APPLAUSE

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Hi Anne, thanks for coming.

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-Lovely cardigan.

-Thank you.

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Tell me, do you have any funny stories that have happened over the years?

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No.

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OK, so, erm, tell me a little bit about the person you're going to be, give us your clues.

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She's originally from Quebec.

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She represented Switzerland in the Eurovision Song Contest.

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She sung the theme tune to Titanic and she's got an old fat husband with a beard.

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OK, so tell us, Anne, who are you going to be tonight?

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-Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be Celine Dion.

-Celine Dion!

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APPLAUSE

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Good luck, enjoy it.

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She helps out every other Wednesday at a charity shop in Hawley, but tonight, singing live, Anne is...

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Celine Dion!

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: "My Heart Will Go On"

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Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-ah.

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APPLAUSE

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Eh-eh. Eh.

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Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.

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Eh-eeehhhhh.

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Eh-eh-ehh!

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Eh-eh-eh.

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She sounds quite a lot like her, doesn't she?

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Formerly Dudley Polytechnic, this university was opened by Sir Darren Day in 1994.

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Yeah, but can I do my extended essay on modes of sexual discourse

0:20:120:20:16

in the works of Jane Austin? We did study that last term.

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-I don't know what the rules are on this. Martin'll know.

-Oh, it's all right I can go to his office.

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-No, no, it's better if I phone him.

-Oh, OK.

0:20:250:20:28

Martin, it's Linda.

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I've got Robin Dashwood in front of me.

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Wants to know if he can write his extended essay on Jane Austin?

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Robin, you know Robin, lots of jazzy waistcoats, colourful glasses, always smiling.

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Puts you in mind of a young Elmer Fudd.

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Fell out of the same tree as Duncan Goodhew.

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Could be mistaken for a boiled egg.

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That's right - Baldy!

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He says that's fine.

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Thanks very much.

0:21:060:21:08

Oh, could you come here for a second, Robin.

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That's better.

0:21:190:21:20

These people are what we in Britain fondly call fat pigs.

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In Sessex, Marjory Dawes is hosting her weekly Fat Fighters group meeting.

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Hello, Fat Fighters. Hope you've had a good week.

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Now, today we're going to be talking about binge eating.

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Yes, I know the spray tan went wrong.

0:21:420:21:44

So what kind of foods are binge foods?

0:21:440:21:47

Foods that we binge on when we want to have a binge. Yes, Paul?

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Terry's Chocolate Orange?

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Comes in a big orange wrapper,

0:21:530:21:56

-it's like chocolate...

-Yes, thank you. I know what it is, yes.

0:21:560:21:59

Right.

0:21:590:22:02

Chucklet.

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I did ask for San Tropez but they gave me Hawaiian Sunset.

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Anyone else?

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-For me it's fizzy drinks.

-What, like Tango?

0:22:120:22:15

Fizzy drinks.

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Any more?

0:22:230:22:25

Yes, Mira.

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Marmalade.

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Sorry, I couldn't understand a word.

0:22:290:22:31

She said marmalade.

0:22:310:22:33

Did she?

0:22:350:22:37

Conserves.

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Any more, any more serious suggestions?

0:22:450:22:48

Satsumas.

0:22:480:22:50

Satsumas isn't really a binge food.

0:22:500:22:53

No, but it is orange.

0:22:530:22:54

LAUGHTER

0:22:540:22:56

Have you quite finished?

0:23:080:23:10

I'm shocked really that you of all people would pick on someone for the way they look.

0:23:100:23:16

I mean, I may be orange but YOU ARE SUMMIN' ELSE!

0:23:160:23:20

You're fat, oh, man you're fat, you are a big fat thing, you fatty, fatty, fatty!

0:23:200:23:25

New member? Come and take a seat, my love.

0:23:250:23:27

I won't be one moment. Where was I? Oh, yes, fat cow, fat cow,

0:23:270:23:31

FAT...COW!

0:23:310:23:33

If you collect enough tokens on the back of special packets of Cocoa Pops,

0:23:370:23:41

you too can send off and become Prime Minister.

0:23:410:23:45

I hardly need to tell you Prime Minister of the damage

0:23:500:23:53

if the government were found selling arms to Iran.

0:23:530:23:56

Robert, that's not what I was doing.

0:23:560:23:58

Then where did the Sunday Times get this story from?

0:23:580:24:01

Excuse me, Prime Minister.

0:24:010:24:03

Look dear, he said he didn't do it, so he didn't do it!

0:24:030:24:07

Honestly!

0:24:070:24:08

You don't want a back bench rebellion on this, Prime Minister,

0:24:080:24:12

there's already talk of a leadership challenge.

0:24:120:24:14

Such a stirrer.

0:24:140:24:17

Sebastian, thank you.

0:24:170:24:18

Robert, you have my word on this.

0:24:220:24:23

Very well.

0:24:230:24:25

I shall see you at Prime Minister's Questions.

0:24:250:24:27

Sebastian, will you show the Chancellor out.

0:24:270:24:30

Just cos you want to be Prime Minister.

0:24:380:24:40

-I do not.

-You do. She does!

0:24:400:24:43

Sebastian, would you lock the door. Come over here, please.

0:24:440:24:51

-I have something rather private that I need to show you.

-Yes?

0:25:010:25:05

Something...

0:25:050:25:07

-quite sensitive.

-Mmm.

0:25:070:25:11

It could be potentially very explosive.

0:25:110:25:15

Oh, Prime Minister, I want it so bad.

0:25:150:25:17

It's this file.

0:25:190:25:22

Oh, yes, this file, yes.

0:25:220:25:24

I want this file so bad, yes. What is it?

0:25:240:25:28

It's an intelligence file that I need you to destroy for me.

0:25:280:25:31

Oh, OK.

0:25:310:25:34

Arms deals with Iran.

0:25:340:25:37

-But you just told the Chancellor there were no arms deals with Iran.

-Yes.

0:25:370:25:41

-You lied.

-Yes.

0:25:410:25:45

But I thought you were perfect.

0:25:460:25:48

-I need you to shred this.

-But if this got out it would...

0:25:510:25:55

Sebastian, please.

0:25:550:25:57

Just do this favour for me.

0:25:570:25:59

Of course, Prime Minister.

0:26:010:26:03

But first, Prime Minister,

0:26:100:26:13

how about you do a favour for me?

0:26:130:26:15

Don't forget the bottom shelf, Prime Minister.

0:26:270:26:31

Air shows in Britain have been taking place since Medieval times.

0:26:400:26:44

Although they only really became popular with the invention of the aeroplane.

0:26:440:26:48

Hey, Andy, where are you?

0:26:500:26:53

Andy! Andy!

0:26:530:26:56

Oh, excuse me St John's Ambulance lady, sorry to bother you,

0:26:570:27:01

I'm looking for my friend Andy, that's his wheelchair.

0:27:010:27:04

I can't think what's happened to him.

0:27:040:27:06

Well, I can get them to put out a call on the Tannoy.

0:27:060:27:09

-Well, I don't want to cause a whole kafuffle.

-Oh, no, no, it's no trouble.

0:27:090:27:13

Well, if you wouldn't mind, I'm a bit worried and I don't want him to miss the Red Arrows.

0:27:130:27:18

You wait here and I'll get them to put out a call.

0:27:180:27:20

Oh, well, thank you very much.

0:27:200:27:23

Oh, Andy, where are you?

0:27:230:27:25

-I'm right here.

-Oh, there you are.

0:27:250:27:30

I was worried sick.

0:27:300:27:32

Is that your parachute or...?

0:27:370:27:40

So we say, "Farewell Little Britain."

0:27:420:27:45

I myself must bounce now, as I did promise my homies that we would

0:27:450:27:50

chill for a bit, have a glass or two of pimp juice and God willing, get ourselves some sweet booty.

0:27:500:27:57

Bye-bye!

0:27:570:27:58

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Limited

0:28:000:28:03

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk

0:28:030:28:06

Matt Lucas and David Walliams take a comic look at British life in this character-based sketch series. Characters include corpulent health-spa guest Desiree and Thai bride Ting Tong. Features guest turns from Rob Brydon and Cat Deeley.