Episode 5 Live at the Apollo


Episode 5

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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

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Hal Cruttenden!

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APPLAUSE

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Wow!

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Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Apollo!

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CHEERING

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Lovely to be here. Lovely. Lovely to be in West London.

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Can I say that? Lovely to be here, we are West London people,

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do we have any here?

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Yes, I am myself of West London.

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Yes, I grew up in Ealing, down the road.

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Yes, there's probably more than that,

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but they think it's vulgar to shout out.

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Um. It is wonderful, it is wonderful Ealing, isn't it?

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Queen of the Suburbs, it's called,

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also coincidentally my nickname at school.

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But it's quite posh, Ealing, isn't it?

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Wouldn't you say, it is quite posh?

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It is quite posh. I am quite posh, I now live in Enfield.

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Yeah, see, quite rough.

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Um...

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No, it's awkward, it's awkward, I'm quite posh, my kids are quite rough!

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It's quite awkward, I mean, I'm trying to show my daughter

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the correct knife to use in a restaurant the other day

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and she just said, "A blade's a blade." That's wrong, isn't it?

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I was a weird kid myself, I was scared,

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I was scared of everything as a kid. I was scared of Santa.

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My parents would tell me about Santa as I was like,

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"Right. Sorry, let me get this straight, parents,

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"you're going to let an old stranger into my room

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"in the middle of the night

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"because he wants to 'give me a present', are you serious?!"

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I was scared of the tooth fairy!

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You know, your tooth falls out, leave it under the pillow,

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tooth fairy comes along, takes it away and leaves you some cash.

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I would be freaking.

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I would be going, "I don't want to sell my body parts!"

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Who's coming next, the kidney pixie?!

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The knob goblin?!

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I'm mid-40s now. I'm mid-40s, I have no pension plan in place,

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I have no pension sorted at all.

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Having said that, I'm in show business.

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I may well spend my 70s in jail.

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APPLAUSE

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I am joking, obviously. Loads of us...

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Loads of us are getting away with it now.

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Ooh!

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Talking about celebrities and showbiz,

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we have loads of celebrities - Dick and Dom!

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We have Dick and Dom!

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Oh, my word.

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You virtually raised my children! You know that?

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My youngest daughter's first word was "bogies", apparently.

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I wasn't there because I was working too hard.

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No, but, honestly, bloody well done!

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It's fantastic. I mean, honestly, because I was a terrible dad

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so I needed people like you, I think. I've been a bad dad.

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I'm too honest with my kids. My kids say to me stuff like, um,

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"Daddy, what will I be when I grow up?"

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And I just say, "Disappointed." That's wrong, isn't it?

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I used to say to them stuff like, you know,

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don't talk to strangers, OK? But don't be too frightened,

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because remember, statistically,

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as an adult living under the same roof,

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I'm about ten times more likely to kill you

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than someone you don't know.

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Now will you go to bed? "Yes, we will. I'm sorry."

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But, Dick and Dom, honestly, you know, I love you guys.

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You know, when you can't get Coke, there's always Pepsi.

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When you can't get Ant and Dec, there's...

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No, I bloody love you!

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I love you guys.

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And we've also... We've also got Rebecca Adlington! Where are you?

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There you are!

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And you got married two months ago?

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Congratulations!

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To another swimmer?

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So there's two of you,

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two really competitive people in a marriage,

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that's really, really...

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Good luck with that!

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Do you have to hide your medals and stuff,

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because he's not as high-profile?

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If you have a horrible row, do you put on a gold and go,

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"Hm, thank you."

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We have Jon Culshaw in the audience. Ladies and gentlemen, Jon Culshaw!

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I've never met you, Jon,

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but people say that when I'm performing on telly or something,

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people have told me that I'm...

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I'm like you doing Tony Blair.

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I mean, doing an imitation! Not doing Tony Blair.

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"Oh, yes, Jon, take me harder. Treat me like Iraq."

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Um...

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LAUGHTER

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I want to be a more political comic, folks,

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but I can't quite... be bothered to do the reading.

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That's most of us, isn't it?

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Most of us are angry but not sure why when it comes to politics.

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Strong opinions based on very little information.

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I walk around saying things like,

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"Typical Tories making the poor pay for the mistakes of the rich!"

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"Explain more in detail with statistics."

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"Piss off!" That's most of us, isn't it?

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My wife's worse than me! Do you remember Abu Hamza?

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One eye, two hooks for hands, like this?

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Scarier than this. Wasn't quite as camp as this.

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A few months ago it's on our radio in the kitchen -

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Abu Hamza's been sentenced to life imprisonment.

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My wife went, "Good Job!"

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And I went, "Why? What's he done? What do you know about it?"

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She said, "He looks like a pirate!"

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We are generally...

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We sort of hate our politicians, don't we?

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We hate politicians, love our royals.

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I think we love the royals

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because they're so good at pretending

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to be impressed by stuff and fascinated.

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Prince Charles, you could put him anywhere.

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Put Prince Charles in a factory and he'll go, "Ooh, it's amazing!"

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This isn't bad, is it, Jon?

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-IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES:

-"It's amazing. You make sausages,

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"that's extraordinary."

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He'd be amazed at McDonald's, wouldn't he, Prince Charles?

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"Oh, it's amazing. Someone says Big Mac meal

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"and you have to get the burger and the fries. Amazing!

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"Your skin condition is fascinating!"

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The only one who really says what he's thinking is Prince Philip.

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And that's why they're always having to pretend he's ill

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for the big events, aren't they?

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Do you remember the Queen's Diamond Jubilee and Prince Philip "was ill"?

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He was not ill. Someone looked at the line-up and thought,

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"Prince Philip cannot meet Stevie Wonder. That meeting cannot happen."

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-IMITATES PRINCE PHILIP:

-"Oh, you're blind are you?

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"I don't believe it!"

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We love our royals, we hate our politicians!

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We hate our politicians! I think it's because

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they're always trying to show us how normal they are.

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Every speech they're always mentioning

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all about the normal people they've met.

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"I met a man the other day. I met a pensioner.

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"I asked him if he was worried about crime, if he felt safe in his house.

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"He said to me, 'Who are you? I'm calling the police.

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"'Get out of my bedroom!'"

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"I met a woman in Birmingham. I asked her if she was working.

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"She said it was 30 for oral, 50 for full sex."

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LAUGHTER

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They tell us how they met and they tell us what we deserve.

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They're always telling us what the British people deserve.

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"The British people deserve

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"a first-class National Health Service."

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I always hear that and just think, "Why?"

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I know loads of British people who are total bastards...

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..and deserve nothing of the sort.

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The correct statement should be, "Nice British people deserve

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"a first-class National Health Service.

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"Bastards deserve a crap one."

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I want to see that implemented in my local hospital.

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I want doctors walking around A&E with clipboards going,

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what have we got here? 75-year-old man. Suspected heart attack,

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happily married, does a lot for charity,

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pillar of the community, get him in the cubicle, I'll be there in a sec.

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What've we got here? 53-year-old man, suspected brain haemorrhage.

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Ooh, ooh, ooh, ow...

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Personalised numberplate? Ooh, um...

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Works in banking? No, no, no.

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Lives in London but supports Man U?

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No, leave him in the corridor to die in his own filth.

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Do we have any Man United fans here, by the way?

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CHEERING

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Oh, God.

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Oh, don't, don't. I'm not seriously having a go at you, I'm not.

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I've sort of got a problem with all football at the moment.

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I don't like footballers, they're not very nice people.

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Are they?

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You watch them walk out, they walk out with a small child, don't they?

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A little mascot

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to show that they're a nice guy, they all walk out with a little kid.

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Or lunch, as Suarez calls it.

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LAUGHTER

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They all walk out with a small child.

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I think those are all their children from extramarital affairs.

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And that's the only time they see them.

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"So, how's school, is school going well?"

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-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "Who are you?"

-They're bastards, these guys.

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I want nice guys in my football team. I want nice, sensitive blokes.

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Not over-sensitive, that would be rubbish for football, wouldn't it?

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It's a big game, how do you feel

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"We're a bundle of nerves, we really are."

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You've picked up some injuries.

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"Wayne's hurt his knee, Stevie's got a headache."

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A camp team could be devastating.

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Football is one of the most homophobic sports on the planet.

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The opposition would crap themselves

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if your team skipped camply out onto the field...

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and we sang them show tunes from the stands going...

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# Luck be a lady tonight! Luck be a lady tonight! #

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They score a goal and we're not going, "1-0, 1-0!"

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We're going, "Supercalifragilistic- expialidocious! "

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Football fans are never like that, they're never that camp.

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And someone told me, they said, "You can't talk about football. You are middle class

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"and football is a working-class game, it's a working-man's game."

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And I said to him, "Have you been to a Premiership match recently?"

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They have priced working men out of football,

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working-class people out of football, I believe.

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Honestly, you go to any game and you'll see, basically,

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that the grounds are packed full of middle-class men

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pretending to be working class.

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Going, "Oi, Ref, you wanker!" So sorry about the language, Giles,

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"but God knows what school he went to."

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But men in football,

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men still have that unique lack of perspective in football.

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I heard a Manchester United fan

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talking about the retirement of Alex Ferguson

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on Radio 5 Live last year,

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and he honestly said this,

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"When I heard Fergy was going,

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"it was like a death in the family for me."

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And this radio presenter went, "Yeah, mate, I understand."

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Not, "You emotionally retarded twat."

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Wouldn't it be lovely to see the media get real with football fans?

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End of the season and Gary Lineker comes on Match Of The Day and says,

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"Well, if your team's been relegated and you're sitting at home crying,

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"maybe it's time you redirected your energy to something that matters.

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"Like your wife and kids. Good night and grow up."

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I have a theory why men behave so badly around football

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with such lack of perspective.

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I think it's because men use football

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to express emotions they can't express

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in other parts of their life.

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They are so repressed, they can't show their anger and their pain at the right time,

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they hold it all in, they pour it all into football.

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So when they're chanting vile stuff at the ref, at the players,

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at the other fans,

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what they really want to be chanting about is what's in here.

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They really want to be chanting stuff like,

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"I can't express my feelings!

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"I can't express my feelings! I have clinical depression!

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"I need a therapy session! La la la-la."

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APPLAUSE

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"I feel like crying, feel like crying,

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"feel like crying all the time! Ooh-ah, I'm bi-polar."

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That's what I think they really want to be chanting.

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Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act of the evening?

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CHEERING

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This guy is absolutely fantastic.

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He's a very good friend of mine,

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please give him a very warm Apollo welcome.

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's Justin Moorhouse.

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CHEERING

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Hello.

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Wow! Look at this! This is exciting, you all right?

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CROWD: Yeah!

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Good. I'm not from round here.

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We got anyone in from the north of England?

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CHEERING

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Yeah, it's shit, innit? That's why you live here now.

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We don't want you back, shut up.

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Um, I like coming to London.

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My favourite thing about London

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is coming on a Friday, about five o'clock,

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and watching Northern families arrive, en masse, on the Tube.

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Just walking around going, "Why's it so busy, Mum?"

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-"Why's it so busy?"

-"Shut up and stand on both sides of the escalator,

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"let's have a laugh."

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"Let's watch these people lose their shit"

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"Get on the other side!"

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"Why are they shouting at me?"

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-"They're very angry."

-"Why?"

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-"They've been at work all week."

-"What's work?"

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Nice to be here, that's what comedians always say,

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Hal said it a loads - it's nice to be here.

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They don't really mean it - they're here for the money!

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I mean it, though, it's nice to be here.

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I've got kids. It's amazing to be 200 miles from the little shits.

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Don't get me wrong, some of you are staring at me now judging me,

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you probably haven't got kids.

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If you've got kids, you know what I mean.

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We love them because that shit's natural... Don't like 'em.

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Joyless mood-hoovers. Life-robbers. Ambition-stealers.

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Time-takers. Non-productive little shits

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we allow to live in our houses.

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Nothing comes back.

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If we were a limited company and not a family,

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I'd have written them off years ago.

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I've got two.

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I've got a 17-year-old, he-he-he,

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one of them that you see when you drive around, going,

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"I'm glad he's not mine." He's mine!

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This thing that lives in my house is essentially a yawn in a hood.

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That's all he is.

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Breathing his way, "I'm tired."

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How can you be tired? Your schedule is thus -

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arise at 11, have a wank, play FIFA - that's all he does!

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I'm not having a go, I'm just saying he's robbed me of my ambition!

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That's where I saw my life going.

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"I'm tired!"

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It's like living with an asthmatic Sith Lord.

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Obi-Wan can't be arsed. Just go with it.

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It's nice to be here.

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I spent a lot of time, I travel,

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you do when you're a comedian and you've got kids,

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it's lovely to get away.

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Do we have any Australians in?

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CHEERING

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Why?

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At what point does anybody wake up in Australia, stretch,

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look across Bondi Beach and go,

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"Hammersmith, that's where I want to be."

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You can forget your coral beach, I want a flyover.

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I spent some time in Australia,

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if you've been you'll know it's a nice place,

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if you like, you know, misogyny, racism and blind optimism -

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it's that kind of town.

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My favourite thing when I was in Australia...

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This is brilliant, this will blow your mind.

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Does anybody here know what the collective noun in Australia is

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for sheets, pillowcases, bedding?

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Anyone know what they call it?

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Manchester. That's right. Manchester.

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I didn't know, I'm from Manchester and I didn't know.

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Basically what happened was about 150 years ago we, in Manchester,

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invented cotton, and erm...

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..sent it round the world.

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It's easier than explaining slavery, that bit.

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We, um...

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We sent it round the world, it arrived in Australia, Sydney,

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in a big box with "Manchester" on,

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and the Australians would go, "What's that?"

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And they would go, "It's Manchester."

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They have Manchester shops!

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What goes on in there?!

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Some bloke like Bez going, "D'ya want some Vimto?"

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They sell sheets and pillowcases and bedding - it's amazing.

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They have Manchester departments in their department stores.

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That's how I discovered it. I was just browsing in one one day

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and overheard an announcement on the Tannoy that went,

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"Would somebody from Manchester...

0:17:560:17:59

"..please report to customer services?"

0:18:010:18:04

I was like, "Oh, my gosh."

0:18:110:18:13

"How fortuitous."

0:18:160:18:18

"I am literally on the other side of the world."

0:18:200:18:23

Then I thought, naturally, "I wonder what they want?"

0:18:270:18:31

Maybe I'm going to go over

0:18:330:18:34

and they're going to say, "Settle an argument...

0:18:340:18:37

"What's the best junction off the 56 for the airport?"

0:18:370:18:41

So I was just considering this,

0:18:440:18:46

and a further, more urgent announcement came on the Tannoy -

0:18:460:18:50

"Would somebody from Manchester PLEASE report to customer services."

0:18:500:18:54

I went running over.

0:18:540:18:56

I'm northern, I'm friendly, I want to help.

0:18:560:18:58

I got there, I went, "Ta-da!"

0:18:580:19:01

Because that's how people in show business arrive. Ta-da!

0:19:010:19:04

And the woman went, "Ta-da!"

0:19:040:19:07

And I went, "Here I am..."

0:19:070:19:09

HE CHUCKLES

0:19:090:19:11

And she says, "There you are..."

0:19:110:19:15

And I went "I know, can you believe it, eh?"

0:19:150:19:19

There was an awkward moment where she looked at me

0:19:240:19:26

like I was a wrong 'un,

0:19:260:19:29

and eventually she says, "Um, how can I help you?"

0:19:290:19:32

I went, "No!

0:19:320:19:35

-"How can

-I

-help you?!"

0:19:350:19:37

And she said, "What do you mean?" And I said, "I'm from Manchester!"

0:19:380:19:43

And she said, "No, you're not."

0:19:430:19:45

And I said, "Well, technically Stockport,

0:19:450:19:47

"but let's not split hairs, love."

0:19:470:19:49

APPLAUSE

0:19:490:19:53

Friends, you've been amazing. Take care. Good night.

0:19:550:19:58

-Thank you very much.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:580:20:01

Justin Moorhouse, ladies and gentlemen!

0:20:070:20:10

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act?

0:20:120:20:15

CHEERING

0:20:150:20:17

He is absolutely fantastic. He is the man I want to be.

0:20:170:20:20

Ladies and gentlemen, give a big round of applause for Mr Tom Stade!

0:20:200:20:24

APPLAUSE

0:20:240:20:26

All right...

0:20:420:20:43

Well, good evening, Apollo!

0:20:430:20:46

WHOOPING

0:20:460:20:48

Now, do me one favour, OK?

0:20:480:20:49

I'm going to ask you something. Give me a cheer.

0:20:490:20:52

How many... How many old people do we have?

0:20:520:20:56

By applause, old people!

0:20:560:21:00

SOME CHEERING Love old people.

0:21:000:21:03

Now watch this.

0:21:030:21:05

How many 20-somethings do we have by applause?

0:21:050:21:09

ROARING APPLAUSE

0:21:090:21:11

Love 20-year-olds...

0:21:140:21:18

to the point it's creepy.

0:21:180:21:21

When you're 20, it's awesome, man.

0:21:240:21:29

When you're 20,

0:21:290:21:31

you only have a few responsibilities to society.

0:21:310:21:35

OK. One, you have to get hammered

0:21:350:21:41

every goddamn given day

0:21:410:21:46

because your body can take it.

0:21:460:21:50

You pound back as much alcohol as you can,

0:21:530:21:57

put as much irresponsibility in each glass

0:21:570:22:01

and you pound that back.

0:22:010:22:03

And you go on a vacation that night you'll never remember.

0:22:030:22:07

Because there will be a day

0:22:080:22:12

you will be inflicted with this horrible disease

0:22:120:22:19

called responsibility.

0:22:190:22:22

And it just hits you,

0:22:230:22:25

you don't know when it's going to strike.

0:22:250:22:27

You'll be sitting there dancing,

0:22:270:22:29

"All right, all right. Oh, my God, I've got to go mow the lawn."

0:22:290:22:33

LAUGHTER

0:22:330:22:35

Number two - probably the most important -

0:22:380:22:43

you have to try and stop old people

0:22:430:22:48

from fornicating with you.

0:22:480:22:52

LAUGHTER

0:22:520:22:54

Because we're out there.

0:22:540:22:56

Because old people do not like fornicating with other old people.

0:23:000:23:06

It's disgusting.

0:23:060:23:09

It's all, "Ew, it's old and it's on top of me."

0:23:100:23:14

"It's trying to get inside me."

0:23:150:23:18

Oh, and we are out there.

0:23:210:23:24

You'll find us lurking behind trees...

0:23:240:23:27

..with sticks with food on 'em.

0:23:290:23:32

Oh... Oh, this one likes fried chicken.

0:23:360:23:39

Look at her, she dances like she doesn't have a mortgage.

0:23:420:23:45

I don't drink in the same places I did 10, 20 years ago any more.

0:23:480:23:53

I find where I drink now

0:23:530:23:57

usually has a food menu -

0:23:570:24:01

on a chalkboard, £5.95 two-course meal.

0:24:010:24:05

And they close down at old-man hours,

0:24:070:24:11

around 11, 11:30.

0:24:110:24:13

Ding-ding-ding! Go home, old people!

0:24:130:24:16

And we all pile in the middle.

0:24:180:24:20

But here's the problem.

0:24:220:24:23

Cos I'm finding as I go along in life,

0:24:230:24:26

my mind and my body connection,

0:24:260:24:29

it ain't so balanced any more.

0:24:290:24:31

My mind doesn't know I'm 44.

0:24:320:24:35

My mind thinks it's 1988 right now.

0:24:350:24:38

And one night in my food drinking establishment,

0:24:400:24:44

I decided to have 13 double-vodka Diet Coke after-dinner drinks.

0:24:440:24:49

And my body just left me.

0:24:520:24:54

Just took off, didn't even know it left.

0:24:560:24:59

"See you later, Tom. I'm going to leave you in this chair." Urgh!

0:24:590:25:04

And my mind saw

0:25:100:25:13

that no-one was driving the Tom Machine.

0:25:130:25:17

And it stepped into that driver's seat and was like,

0:25:170:25:21

"Hey, Tom, why don't you get down to that nightclub..."

0:25:210:25:26

"..and you show them how to dance."

0:25:290:25:32

And I'm like, "That's a good idea, Mind.

0:25:340:25:37

"I hope they're playing Footloose."

0:25:370:25:39

And I got to the front of that line

0:25:420:25:44

and I realised what a horrible mistake I had made,

0:25:440:25:48

because the doorman clocked me from a mile away

0:25:480:25:52

and I'll never forget what he said.

0:25:520:25:55

He said, "Uh-oh, someone's in trouble.

0:25:550:25:59

"Their dad is here."

0:25:590:26:01

LAUGHTER

0:26:010:26:04

And I was in that nightclub

0:26:090:26:12

for about one hour

0:26:120:26:15

before my body realised what my mind had done

0:26:150:26:20

and said, "We've go to get out of here now!"

0:26:200:26:24

I'll tell you when that was.

0:26:240:26:27

It was when I had seven apple shots...

0:26:270:26:31

..in a test tube,

0:26:330:26:36

cos apparently when you drink now you want to feel like a scientist.

0:26:360:26:40

Seven apple shots. I didn't know they tasted...

0:26:440:26:48

I come from a place where shots tasted bad.

0:26:480:26:51

Do you want to know why they tasted bad?

0:26:510:26:53

So you would not have seven of them in a row.

0:26:530:26:57

Nobody took a shot of Tequila and said,

0:26:590:27:01

"This is delicious! Line six more up."

0:27:010:27:04

And do you want to know what happens

0:27:090:27:12

when you put inside this body

0:27:120:27:15

seven apple shots

0:27:150:27:17

and you mix that up with 13 double-vodka Diet Cokes...

0:27:170:27:21

..with some breaded fish and a nice side salad?

0:27:230:27:26

My body likes to turn that into deadly corrosive acid...

0:27:320:27:38

..and shoot it straight into the middle of my heart

0:27:400:27:44

to try and murder me!

0:27:440:27:47

And would you like to know what young, gorgeous people in a nightclub

0:27:500:27:56

do not carry on them?

0:27:560:27:57

Rennies.

0:27:570:27:59

Thank you, Apollo!

0:28:070:28:09

See you next time! Cheers, you guys.

0:28:110:28:13

Tom Stade, ladies and gentlemen!

0:28:180:28:21

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for watching Live At The Apollo.

0:28:230:28:26

You have seen Justin Moorhouse, you've seen Tom Stade,

0:28:260:28:29

and I've been your host, Hal Cruttenden.

0:28:290:28:32

Take care, good night. Thank you very much. Thank you.

0:28:320:28:34

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:340:28:38

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