Episode 5 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

Hal Cruttenden!

APPLAUSE

Wow!

Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Apollo!

CHEERING

Lovely to be here. Lovely. Lovely to be in West London.

Can I say that? Lovely to be here, we are West London people,

do we have any here?

Yes, I am myself of West London.

Yes, I grew up in Ealing, down the road.

Yes, there's probably more than that,

but they think it's vulgar to shout out.

Um. It is wonderful, it is wonderful Ealing, isn't it?

Queen of the Suburbs, it's called,

also coincidentally my nickname at school.

But it's quite posh, Ealing, isn't it?

Wouldn't you say, it is quite posh?

It is quite posh. I am quite posh, I now live in Enfield.

Yeah, see, quite rough.

Um...

No, it's awkward, it's awkward, I'm quite posh, my kids are quite rough!

It's quite awkward, I mean, I'm trying to show my daughter

the correct knife to use in a restaurant the other day

and she just said, "A blade's a blade." That's wrong, isn't it?

I was a weird kid myself, I was scared,

I was scared of everything as a kid. I was scared of Santa.

My parents would tell me about Santa as I was like,

"Right. Sorry, let me get this straight, parents,

"you're going to let an old stranger into my room

"in the middle of the night

"because he wants to 'give me a present', are you serious?!"

I was scared of the tooth fairy!

You know, your tooth falls out, leave it under the pillow,

tooth fairy comes along, takes it away and leaves you some cash.

I would be freaking.

I would be going, "I don't want to sell my body parts!"

Who's coming next, the kidney pixie?!

The knob goblin?!

I'm mid-40s now. I'm mid-40s, I have no pension plan in place,

I have no pension sorted at all.

Having said that, I'm in show business.

I may well spend my 70s in jail.

APPLAUSE

I am joking, obviously. Loads of us...

Loads of us are getting away with it now.

Ooh!

Talking about celebrities and showbiz,

we have loads of celebrities - Dick and Dom!

We have Dick and Dom!

Oh, my word.

You virtually raised my children! You know that?

My youngest daughter's first word was "bogies", apparently.

I wasn't there because I was working too hard.

No, but, honestly, bloody well done!

It's fantastic. I mean, honestly, because I was a terrible dad

so I needed people like you, I think. I've been a bad dad.

I'm too honest with my kids. My kids say to me stuff like, um,

"Daddy, what will I be when I grow up?"

And I just say, "Disappointed." That's wrong, isn't it?

I used to say to them stuff like, you know,

don't talk to strangers, OK? But don't be too frightened,

because remember, statistically,

as an adult living under the same roof,

I'm about ten times more likely to kill you

than someone you don't know.

Now will you go to bed? "Yes, we will. I'm sorry."

But, Dick and Dom, honestly, you know, I love you guys.

You know, when you can't get Coke, there's always Pepsi.

When you can't get Ant and Dec, there's...

No, I bloody love you!

I love you guys.

And we've also... We've also got Rebecca Adlington! Where are you?

There you are!

And you got married two months ago?

Congratulations!

To another swimmer?

So there's two of you,

two really competitive people in a marriage,

that's really, really...

Good luck with that!

Do you have to hide your medals and stuff,

because he's not as high-profile?

If you have a horrible row, do you put on a gold and go,

"Hm, thank you."

We have Jon Culshaw in the audience. Ladies and gentlemen, Jon Culshaw!

I've never met you, Jon,

but people say that when I'm performing on telly or something,

people have told me that I'm...

I'm like you doing Tony Blair.

I mean, doing an imitation! Not doing Tony Blair.

"Oh, yes, Jon, take me harder. Treat me like Iraq."

Um...

LAUGHTER

I want to be a more political comic, folks,

but I can't quite... be bothered to do the reading.

That's most of us, isn't it?

Most of us are angry but not sure why when it comes to politics.

Strong opinions based on very little information.

I walk around saying things like,

"Typical Tories making the poor pay for the mistakes of the rich!"

"Explain more in detail with statistics."

"Piss off!" That's most of us, isn't it?

My wife's worse than me! Do you remember Abu Hamza?

One eye, two hooks for hands, like this?

Scarier than this. Wasn't quite as camp as this.

A few months ago it's on our radio in the kitchen -

Abu Hamza's been sentenced to life imprisonment.

My wife went, "Good Job!"

And I went, "Why? What's he done? What do you know about it?"

She said, "He looks like a pirate!"

We are generally...

We sort of hate our politicians, don't we?

We hate politicians, love our royals.

I think we love the royals

because they're so good at pretending

to be impressed by stuff and fascinated.

Prince Charles, you could put him anywhere.

Put Prince Charles in a factory and he'll go, "Ooh, it's amazing!"

This isn't bad, is it, Jon?

-IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES:

-"It's amazing. You make sausages,

"that's extraordinary."

He'd be amazed at McDonald's, wouldn't he, Prince Charles?

"Oh, it's amazing. Someone says Big Mac meal

"and you have to get the burger and the fries. Amazing!

"Your skin condition is fascinating!"

The only one who really says what he's thinking is Prince Philip.

And that's why they're always having to pretend he's ill

for the big events, aren't they?

Do you remember the Queen's Diamond Jubilee and Prince Philip "was ill"?

He was not ill. Someone looked at the line-up and thought,

"Prince Philip cannot meet Stevie Wonder. That meeting cannot happen."

-IMITATES PRINCE PHILIP:

-"Oh, you're blind are you?

"I don't believe it!"

We love our royals, we hate our politicians!

We hate our politicians! I think it's because

they're always trying to show us how normal they are.

Every speech they're always mentioning

all about the normal people they've met.

"I met a man the other day. I met a pensioner.

"I asked him if he was worried about crime, if he felt safe in his house.

"He said to me, 'Who are you? I'm calling the police.

"'Get out of my bedroom!'"

"I met a woman in Birmingham. I asked her if she was working.

"She said it was 30 for oral, 50 for full sex."

LAUGHTER

They tell us how they met and they tell us what we deserve.

They're always telling us what the British people deserve.

"The British people deserve

"a first-class National Health Service."

I always hear that and just think, "Why?"

I know loads of British people who are total bastards...

..and deserve nothing of the sort.

The correct statement should be, "Nice British people deserve

"a first-class National Health Service.

"Bastards deserve a crap one."

I want to see that implemented in my local hospital.

I want doctors walking around A&E with clipboards going,

what have we got here? 75-year-old man. Suspected heart attack,

happily married, does a lot for charity,

pillar of the community, get him in the cubicle, I'll be there in a sec.

What've we got here? 53-year-old man, suspected brain haemorrhage.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ow...

Personalised numberplate? Ooh, um...

Works in banking? No, no, no.

Lives in London but supports Man U?

No, leave him in the corridor to die in his own filth.

Do we have any Man United fans here, by the way?

CHEERING

Oh, God.

Oh, don't, don't. I'm not seriously having a go at you, I'm not.

I've sort of got a problem with all football at the moment.

I don't like footballers, they're not very nice people.

Are they?

You watch them walk out, they walk out with a small child, don't they?

A little mascot

to show that they're a nice guy, they all walk out with a little kid.

Or lunch, as Suarez calls it.

LAUGHTER

They all walk out with a small child.

I think those are all their children from extramarital affairs.

And that's the only time they see them.

"So, how's school, is school going well?"

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "Who are you?"

-They're bastards, these guys.

I want nice guys in my football team. I want nice, sensitive blokes.

Not over-sensitive, that would be rubbish for football, wouldn't it?

It's a big game, how do you feel

"We're a bundle of nerves, we really are."

You've picked up some injuries.

"Wayne's hurt his knee, Stevie's got a headache."

A camp team could be devastating.

Football is one of the most homophobic sports on the planet.

The opposition would crap themselves

if your team skipped camply out onto the field...

and we sang them show tunes from the stands going...

# Luck be a lady tonight! Luck be a lady tonight! #

They score a goal and we're not going, "1-0, 1-0!"

We're going, "Supercalifragilistic- expialidocious! "

Football fans are never like that, they're never that camp.

And someone told me, they said, "You can't talk about football. You are middle class

"and football is a working-class game, it's a working-man's game."

And I said to him, "Have you been to a Premiership match recently?"

They have priced working men out of football,

working-class people out of football, I believe.

Honestly, you go to any game and you'll see, basically,

that the grounds are packed full of middle-class men

pretending to be working class.

Going, "Oi, Ref, you wanker!" So sorry about the language, Giles,

"but God knows what school he went to."

But men in football,

men still have that unique lack of perspective in football.

I heard a Manchester United fan

talking about the retirement of Alex Ferguson

on Radio 5 Live last year,

and he honestly said this,

"When I heard Fergy was going,

"it was like a death in the family for me."

And this radio presenter went, "Yeah, mate, I understand."

Not, "You emotionally retarded twat."

Wouldn't it be lovely to see the media get real with football fans?

End of the season and Gary Lineker comes on Match Of The Day and says,

"Well, if your team's been relegated and you're sitting at home crying,

"maybe it's time you redirected your energy to something that matters.

"Like your wife and kids. Good night and grow up."

I have a theory why men behave so badly around football

with such lack of perspective.

I think it's because men use football

to express emotions they can't express

in other parts of their life.

They are so repressed, they can't show their anger and their pain at the right time,

they hold it all in, they pour it all into football.

So when they're chanting vile stuff at the ref, at the players,

at the other fans,

what they really want to be chanting about is what's in here.

They really want to be chanting stuff like,

"I can't express my feelings!

"I can't express my feelings! I have clinical depression!

"I need a therapy session! La la la-la."

APPLAUSE

"I feel like crying, feel like crying,

"feel like crying all the time! Ooh-ah, I'm bi-polar."

That's what I think they really want to be chanting.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act of the evening?

CHEERING

This guy is absolutely fantastic.

He's a very good friend of mine,

please give him a very warm Apollo welcome.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Justin Moorhouse.

CHEERING

Hello.

Wow! Look at this! This is exciting, you all right?

CROWD: Yeah!

Good. I'm not from round here.

We got anyone in from the north of England?

CHEERING

Yeah, it's shit, innit? That's why you live here now.

We don't want you back, shut up.

Um, I like coming to London.

My favourite thing about London

is coming on a Friday, about five o'clock,

and watching Northern families arrive, en masse, on the Tube.

Just walking around going, "Why's it so busy, Mum?"

-"Why's it so busy?"

-"Shut up and stand on both sides of the escalator,

"let's have a laugh."

"Let's watch these people lose their shit"

"Get on the other side!"

"Why are they shouting at me?"

-"They're very angry."

-"Why?"

-"They've been at work all week."

-"What's work?"

Nice to be here, that's what comedians always say,

Hal said it a loads - it's nice to be here.

They don't really mean it - they're here for the money!

I mean it, though, it's nice to be here.

I've got kids. It's amazing to be 200 miles from the little shits.

Don't get me wrong, some of you are staring at me now judging me,

you probably haven't got kids.

If you've got kids, you know what I mean.

We love them because that shit's natural... Don't like 'em.

Joyless mood-hoovers. Life-robbers. Ambition-stealers.

Time-takers. Non-productive little shits

we allow to live in our houses.

Nothing comes back.

If we were a limited company and not a family,

I'd have written them off years ago.

I've got two.

I've got a 17-year-old, he-he-he,

one of them that you see when you drive around, going,

"I'm glad he's not mine." He's mine!

This thing that lives in my house is essentially a yawn in a hood.

That's all he is.

Breathing his way, "I'm tired."

How can you be tired? Your schedule is thus -

arise at 11, have a wank, play FIFA - that's all he does!

I'm not having a go, I'm just saying he's robbed me of my ambition!

That's where I saw my life going.

"I'm tired!"

It's like living with an asthmatic Sith Lord.

Obi-Wan can't be arsed. Just go with it.

It's nice to be here.

I spent a lot of time, I travel,

you do when you're a comedian and you've got kids,

it's lovely to get away.

Do we have any Australians in?

CHEERING

Why?

At what point does anybody wake up in Australia, stretch,

look across Bondi Beach and go,

"Hammersmith, that's where I want to be."

You can forget your coral beach, I want a flyover.

I spent some time in Australia,

if you've been you'll know it's a nice place,

if you like, you know, misogyny, racism and blind optimism -

it's that kind of town.

My favourite thing when I was in Australia...

This is brilliant, this will blow your mind.

Does anybody here know what the collective noun in Australia is

for sheets, pillowcases, bedding?

Anyone know what they call it?

Manchester. That's right. Manchester.

I didn't know, I'm from Manchester and I didn't know.

Basically what happened was about 150 years ago we, in Manchester,

invented cotton, and erm...

..sent it round the world.

It's easier than explaining slavery, that bit.

We, um...

We sent it round the world, it arrived in Australia, Sydney,

in a big box with "Manchester" on,

and the Australians would go, "What's that?"

And they would go, "It's Manchester."

They have Manchester shops!

What goes on in there?!

Some bloke like Bez going, "D'ya want some Vimto?"

They sell sheets and pillowcases and bedding - it's amazing.

They have Manchester departments in their department stores.

That's how I discovered it. I was just browsing in one one day

and overheard an announcement on the Tannoy that went,

"Would somebody from Manchester...

"..please report to customer services?"

I was like, "Oh, my gosh."

"How fortuitous."

"I am literally on the other side of the world."

Then I thought, naturally, "I wonder what they want?"

Maybe I'm going to go over

and they're going to say, "Settle an argument...

"What's the best junction off the 56 for the airport?"

So I was just considering this,

and a further, more urgent announcement came on the Tannoy -

"Would somebody from Manchester PLEASE report to customer services."

I went running over.

I'm northern, I'm friendly, I want to help.

I got there, I went, "Ta-da!"

Because that's how people in show business arrive. Ta-da!

And the woman went, "Ta-da!"

And I went, "Here I am..."

HE CHUCKLES

And she says, "There you are..."

And I went "I know, can you believe it, eh?"

There was an awkward moment where she looked at me

like I was a wrong 'un,

and eventually she says, "Um, how can I help you?"

I went, "No!

-"How can

-I

-help you?!"

And she said, "What do you mean?" And I said, "I'm from Manchester!"

And she said, "No, you're not."

And I said, "Well, technically Stockport,

"but let's not split hairs, love."

APPLAUSE

Friends, you've been amazing. Take care. Good night.

-Thank you very much.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Justin Moorhouse, ladies and gentlemen!

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act?

CHEERING

He is absolutely fantastic. He is the man I want to be.

Ladies and gentlemen, give a big round of applause for Mr Tom Stade!

APPLAUSE

All right...

Well, good evening, Apollo!

WHOOPING

Now, do me one favour, OK?

I'm going to ask you something. Give me a cheer.

How many... How many old people do we have?

By applause, old people!

SOME CHEERING Love old people.

Now watch this.

How many 20-somethings do we have by applause?

ROARING APPLAUSE

Love 20-year-olds...

to the point it's creepy.

When you're 20, it's awesome, man.

When you're 20,

you only have a few responsibilities to society.

OK. One, you have to get hammered

every goddamn given day

because your body can take it.

You pound back as much alcohol as you can,

put as much irresponsibility in each glass

and you pound that back.

And you go on a vacation that night you'll never remember.

Because there will be a day

you will be inflicted with this horrible disease

called responsibility.

And it just hits you,

you don't know when it's going to strike.

You'll be sitting there dancing,

"All right, all right. Oh, my God, I've got to go mow the lawn."

LAUGHTER

Number two - probably the most important -

you have to try and stop old people

from fornicating with you.

LAUGHTER

Because we're out there.

Because old people do not like fornicating with other old people.

It's disgusting.

It's all, "Ew, it's old and it's on top of me."

"It's trying to get inside me."

Oh, and we are out there.

You'll find us lurking behind trees...

..with sticks with food on 'em.

Oh... Oh, this one likes fried chicken.

Look at her, she dances like she doesn't have a mortgage.

I don't drink in the same places I did 10, 20 years ago any more.

I find where I drink now

usually has a food menu -

on a chalkboard, £5.95 two-course meal.

And they close down at old-man hours,

around 11, 11:30.

Ding-ding-ding! Go home, old people!

And we all pile in the middle.

But here's the problem.

Cos I'm finding as I go along in life,

my mind and my body connection,

it ain't so balanced any more.

My mind doesn't know I'm 44.

My mind thinks it's 1988 right now.

And one night in my food drinking establishment,

I decided to have 13 double-vodka Diet Coke after-dinner drinks.

And my body just left me.

Just took off, didn't even know it left.

"See you later, Tom. I'm going to leave you in this chair." Urgh!

And my mind saw

that no-one was driving the Tom Machine.

And it stepped into that driver's seat and was like,

"Hey, Tom, why don't you get down to that nightclub..."

"..and you show them how to dance."

And I'm like, "That's a good idea, Mind.

"I hope they're playing Footloose."

And I got to the front of that line

and I realised what a horrible mistake I had made,

because the doorman clocked me from a mile away

and I'll never forget what he said.

He said, "Uh-oh, someone's in trouble.

"Their dad is here."

LAUGHTER

And I was in that nightclub

for about one hour

before my body realised what my mind had done

and said, "We've go to get out of here now!"

I'll tell you when that was.

It was when I had seven apple shots...

..in a test tube,

cos apparently when you drink now you want to feel like a scientist.

Seven apple shots. I didn't know they tasted...

I come from a place where shots tasted bad.

Do you want to know why they tasted bad?

So you would not have seven of them in a row.

Nobody took a shot of Tequila and said,

"This is delicious! Line six more up."

And do you want to know what happens

when you put inside this body

seven apple shots

and you mix that up with 13 double-vodka Diet Cokes...

..with some breaded fish and a nice side salad?

My body likes to turn that into deadly corrosive acid...

..and shoot it straight into the middle of my heart

to try and murder me!

And would you like to know what young, gorgeous people in a nightclub

do not carry on them?

Rennies.

Thank you, Apollo!

See you next time! Cheers, you guys.

Tom Stade, ladies and gentlemen!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for watching Live At The Apollo.

You have seen Justin Moorhouse, you've seen Tom Stade,

and I've been your host, Hal Cruttenden.

Take care, good night. Thank you very much. Thank you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING