Christmas Special Live at the Apollo


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Christmas Special

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. In a very special Christmas episode, Romesh Ranganthan introduces Seann Walsh, Kerry Godliman and Spencer Jones.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host for tonight -

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Romesh Ranganathan!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Last Christmas I gave you my heart

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# But the very next day you gave it away

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# This year, to save me from tears

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# I'll give it to someone special... #

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CROWD CHEERS AND WHISTLES

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Welcome to Noel at the Apollo.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

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Yes, mate. Merry Christmas!

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Merry Christmas!

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Well, I'm Hindu. But thank you so much for the sentiment.

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Such an honour to be hosting the Christmas Live at the Apollo.

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And you sort of think, "How have I got this point?"

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I just want to give thanks to diversity quotas.

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You know, it's...

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..really helped me out. You're getting two-for-one with me,

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because I'm Asian and I've got a lazy eye. So, what you get...

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you get ethnicity and you get disability.

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I do like Christmas.

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I like to play the race card at Christmas.

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What's good about it is you can make anyone feel racist at Christmas.

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It's a really nice little tradition I like to do.

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If somebody comes up to you and says "Merry Christmas,"

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you go, "Why would you assume that I celebrate Christmas?"

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And if they come up to you

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and go, "Merry Chr... Oh, no, do you celebrate...?"

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You go, "Why would you assume that I don't celebrate Christmas?"

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It's wicked, man. I love it.

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Or sometimes I like to knock on a neighbour's door

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and go, "Here's your Christmas card.

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"Notice you didn't get me one for Diwali.

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"See you later."

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Nice. It's nice. Obviously, it's difficult for us at our house

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with Christmas and that, because -

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well, I can't pretend to be Santa.

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It's because of the lazy eye, it just makes it such a...

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a nightmare. The kids don't know which one I'm giving the present to,

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it's just absolutely horrendous.

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My wife always wants to go away for Christmas, right?

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Last Christmas, she wanted to do Disneyland Paris.

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Has anyone been there?

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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I liked it.

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I found it difficult to engage with it fully

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because it was so expensive.

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It's very difficult to fully enjoy it

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when you know how much you've paid to get your family in there.

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Like, my kids were walking around

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just, like, all the visions of Christmassy Disney,

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and I just had, in my eyes, the invoice.

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Do you know what I mean?

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For me, Disneyland Paris

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is basically like a three-day angry walk.

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Do you know what I mean?

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Just wandering around going "Fuck off, Donald!"

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Do you know what I mean? Just furious. So angry.

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It's the first time I really thought about learning another language,

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right, because they all speak French, obviously. We're in France.

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I'm not so post-Brexit that they can't speak their own language

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in their own country.

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I'm a very paranoid dude.

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We're queueing up for the Tower of Terror with my eldest son,

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just about to get on the ride.

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The guy behind the counter turns to his mate and goes...

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HE MIMICS FRENCH

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I was thinking, "What the shit did that dude just say, man?"

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In my head, I'm thinking he must've gone,

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"I think the roller-coaster is broken.

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"Let's just try it out one more time on this prick and his son."

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He probably just said, "I fancy a sandwich."

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I don't know. But I'm very paranoid.

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The kids were very excited, right?

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They're excited cos how it works is, you pay a lot of money to get in

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so you can access some shops where you spend some more money.

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Right, that's how it works. The kids are like,

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"Ha, ha, ha! We're going to buy loads of stuff."

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I said, "No. No, you're not, mate.

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"You're allowed one present each, yeah?

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"Because Daddy is being fisted by Mickey here.

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"Right, so, you get one present each.

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"All right? No messing about."

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The little one... The thing is, I actually make an extra saving,

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because I've got a seven-year-old,

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I've got a five-year-old and a two-year-old.

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The two-year-old doesn't know what's going on, so sack him off,

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Do you know what I mean?

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I just gave him a croissant we got free at the hotel.

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"There you go, mate."

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"Thank you, Daddy. Thank you. Thank you so much."

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"Yeah, enjoy, dickhead."

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The eldest one, he chose a Jedi cloak.

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He's into Star Wars.

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I mean, not properly, he doesn't know the mythology properly,

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but he is into Star Wars.

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He chose a Jedi cloak with Mickey ears on it.

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Now, immediately I can feel tension in here.

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He was wearing around the house.

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One of my mates went, "It's disgusting. Disgusting.

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"It's exactly why I didn't want them taking over Star Wars,

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"because of things like this."

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I was thinking, "What is your problem, dude?

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"What are you concerned about?

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"Are you worried that Star Wars is going to become commercial?"

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Do you know what I mean?

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When you're watching Jar Jar Binks

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and thinking, "No, this is still cutting edge."

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And it's then Mickey ears that pushed you over.

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Was it really?

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My second son, he chose...

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he chose a radio-controlled car.

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Fine. Get back to England.

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So frustrating how shit this kid is at driving the car, man.

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Like, he's knocking into coffee tables, he's hitting my ankles,

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he's hitting the skirting boards.

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I said to him, "Dude, a kid of your age MADE that."

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Right?

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APPLAUSE

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"You can't even drive it, you prick."

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Unbelievable, this kid.

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They've just... My two older ones have just started school.

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I think school is the earliest point at which I care

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what my kids have been up to.

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Because like when my son was at nursery,

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I used to go and pick him up from nursery,

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and the girl working there would go, "Great day today. Great day today.

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"Great day. Great day.

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"Would you like your daily report of what he's been up to?"

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"No. I don't think so."

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What could he possibly have done that I would care about?

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Let me guess, he dropped some stuff and he shit himself.

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Right? Cos that's what he does at home.

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Unless he's built a shed, I really couldn't care less.

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In fact, I resent the fact we're having a conversation.

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That's the honest truth of it.

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It's difficult. It's difficult for teachers.

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I respect teachers, you know?

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They get all these Christmas presents and that, and people say,

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"Oh, we've got to buy presents for our teachers." Good.

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Teachers deserve it, mate.

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Do you know what I mean? I used to be a teacher, it's boring.

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I mean, it's liberating once you stop caring about the kids' futures.

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Then it becomes a wonderful, wonderful job.

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But you have to do boring stuff.

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We had to do exam invigilation, right?

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It's where the kids are sitting in a hall doing an exam

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and you've got to walk around pretending that you're interested,

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and you're worried about them cheating. So you just...

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Sometimes I would do this, right.

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SNIGGERS: Good luck, mate.

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Just add a little spice to proceedings.

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It was very boring.

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I had to find a way of passing the time.

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The way that I did it is I played battleship.

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Now, how this would work is I would get a piece of paper

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and I'd write down on a piece of paper the name of the kid

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that I thought was the ugliest in the room.

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Or the kid that I thought had the shittest haircut.

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Then the other teacher would walk through the hall...

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..and they would stop by the kid

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that they thought I was talking about.

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And if they got it correct then they'd sunk my battleship.

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It was a very fun game.

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It's now been made illegal in West Sussex, sadly.

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I just find it... I find it exciting.

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My kids get so excited about Christmas and I sort of...

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I get caught up in, you know, what does the future hold for them?

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Are they going to follow their dreams?

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And then I realise that Christmas TV, it just...

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I disagree with it. Right? I disagree with this...

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I actually disagree with chasing your dreams.

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I actually disagree with it.

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If there's any message you get from this, don't chase your dreams.

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Right? Life is not about chasing your dreams.

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Life is about compromising your ideals and waiting to die.

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That... That's what life is about.

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You know, like... I just think teachers get a hard time.

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I think they get a hard time about this, right?

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Because somebody like Justin Bieber will win an award, right?

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Then he'll come out and he'll go, "Just want to say,

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"this is for the teachers that said I was never going to do it."

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Do you know why your teachers said

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you were never going to do it, Justin?

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Do you know how statistically unlikely it is

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for you to achieve the outcomes that you have done?

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Yeah? Especially bearing in mind

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what a bellend you must have been as a kid, right?

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Do you know how unlikely it is?

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How irresponsible a careers adviser would you have to be

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to say to a kid, "Do you know what, mate? You need to stop studying.

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"You're going to be the number one recording artist

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"in the whole world."

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If my kid came home and said that that's what's been told to him

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by his school, I would go to that school

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and I'd burn it to the fucking ground.

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Right? I want to see it the other way.

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I want to see a teacher who's told a kid he wouldn't amount to shit,

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and he didn't, come out and admit it.

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Right? I want to see him brought out on TV just going,

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"This is for Mrs Clerkenwell.

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"She said I was never going to do anything with my life,

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"and I just wanted to come out here and say, I haven't.

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"You know, I've got nothing really going on.

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"Three failed marriages behind me, I'm wearing everything I own.

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"I just want to say she said I was going to be a waste of space

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"and it turns out I have been. So, this is for my teacher

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"that said I wasn't going to amount to anything."

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Yeah? That's what I want to see.

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Because chasing dreams is a nightmare.

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It's a nightmare. And people who are doing regular decent jobs

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get disrespected. That's what annoys me.

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Like, you see it on X Factor. X Factor, right?

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When these people get through to the live rounds, right,

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they take them back to their old place of work,

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which is a perfectly decent job.

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They'll take this bloke back.

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They go to Tesco's or something.

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Sees his mate working on fruit and veg who he used to work with

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and he'll go...

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"That's Pete. I used to work with him.

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"You know, the thought of having to go back

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"and do that ever again just makes me want to kill myself.

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"See you later, Pete."

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Pete's just over here like...

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"I just like bananas."

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You know what I don't understand?

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Is that being famous is fine, but don't pretend that it's noble.

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It's not an noble ambition, right? It's vacuous.

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So, just admit that. X Factor, they try and add something.

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They try and add some substance to it.

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Like, they'll give them backstories

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so that you go, "Oh, my God, they've got to do it."

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You'll see someone, they'll go, "Oh, you know,

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"I just really want to make it through

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"because my brother's got cancer

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"and he said that one of his, like, dying wishes

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"would be to see me go through to the live rounds."

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And I think, "Well, that is very noble, isn't it?

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"Cos I would have assumed that one of his last dying wishes

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"would be to get better.

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"Right, but this guy is willing to sacrifice that...

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"so that you can make it through to Louis' six chairs."

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I mean that's pretty amazing, isn't it?

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Things like that irritate me. Little things like that irritate me.

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You know, I got...

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I got given an Iggy Azalea album, right?

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That irritates me.

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There any fans of Iggy Azalea in?

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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This is my problem with Iggy Azalea.

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She's a white Australian.

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She's a white Australian

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and she's rapping like a black woman from the South.

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And it's illegal.

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How is it legal?

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I don't understand. She doesn't...

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She doesn't... It's not like Eminem.

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Eminem raps how he talks.

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Iggy Azalea talks like this...

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AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Hello, Mate, I'm Iggy."

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And then when she raps, she puts on...

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she does an impression of a black woman from the Deep South.

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They record that and they sell it and it's OK.

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She's doing an impression... Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

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She's doing an impression of a black woman.

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Do you get what I'm saying?

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Iggy Azalea is a minstrel that couldn't be asked to black-up.

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That's what Iggy Azalea is.

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APPLAUSE

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My...

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My brother said to me I'm overreacting.

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He goes, "You're overreacting, mate.

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"It's hip-hop. She can't rap with an Australian accent,

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"it wouldn't be authentic."

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Wouldn't be authentic!

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I don't buy that as an argument, you know?

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If you went to an Indian restaurant

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and the waiter was white...

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and for a little bit of authenticity...

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..he said...

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BROAD INDIAN ACCENT: "Would you like a poppadum?"

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You wouldn't accept that, would you?

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Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act of this evening?

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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We have got three incredible acts for you,

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and we're starting brilliantly.

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He's absolutely fantastic. He's one of my very best friends.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please, can you give it up for Mr Seann Walsh?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# So here it is, merry Christmas

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# Everybody's having fun... #

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Apollo, yes!

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Thank you very much, hello!

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-ALL:

-Hello!

-Hello!

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Merry Christmas!

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-Merry Christmas!

-Yes!

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Pigging it out. Pigging it out.

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It's great, isn't it? Christmas.

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It's the only time of the year where eating a cheeseboard is acceptable.

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I think. Isn't it?

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Any other time of the year, I look at a dessert menu and think,

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"That's weird. Look at all that sweet stuff -

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"tiramisu, creme brulee,

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"Eton mess, sticky toffee pudding,

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"chocolate brownie and sorbet ice cream."

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Then... "Cheeseboard."

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What is a cheeseboard doing on the dessert menu?

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That's not a dessert, is it?

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If anything, that is a main.

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What fat wanker...

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..is having a cheeseboard after a steak and chips?

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That can't have been on the dessert menu the whole time, could it?

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Once upon a time, someone has ordered that for the first time.

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Sat at a restaurant there.

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Wife...and fat husband.

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Sat there. Wife's gone,

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"Darling, I think I'm going to go for the sticky toffee pudding.

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"Yeah. How about you?"

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"I want some cheese."

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APPLAUSE

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"Oh. Oh, well I could see if they...

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"they do cheese. Which one?"

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"All of them.

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"I want all the cheeses.

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"Camembert, Stilton...

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"Brie, Cheddar,

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"mozzarella, halloumi...

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"Forget the plate, just shove it on a plank of wood."

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"Darling, it's just that most people after their main,

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"they tend to have something sweet, that's all."

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"Stick some grapes on it."

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APPLAUSE

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But enjoy. Enjoy the pigging out whilst you can.

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Because before you know it, it's January.

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Health kick.

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People go on these soul-destroying diets.

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Like juicing. Do you know about this?

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Juicing. People juice.

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They put broccoli and celery...

0:17:150:17:17

in a drink. Tell you it's delicious.

0:17:170:17:21

Is it? Eat it then.

0:17:210:17:24

I have never had to put a chicken nugget in a blender.

0:17:270:17:30

It's meant to be good for you. Is it?

0:17:350:17:38

Juicing used to be a threat.

0:17:380:17:41

Made by gangsters.

0:17:410:17:42

"You do that again, you'll be having dinner through a straw."

0:17:440:17:47

You say that to someone now, they go, "Ooh, detox!

0:17:570:17:59

"Oh, lovely!"

0:17:590:18:00

My girlfriend, she's into all these fads.

0:18:030:18:05

She's juiced. She comes in in the morning.

0:18:050:18:08

"I'm juicing! It's delicious."

0:18:080:18:10

Holds up this glass...

0:18:100:18:11

full of what can only be described as a post-Guinness shit.

0:18:110:18:16

Every morning.

0:18:240:18:25

HE MIMICS JUICER

0:18:250:18:27

I don't have to set my alarm any more.

0:18:270:18:29

Every morning.

0:18:310:18:32

This is after she's used the noise gun to dry her hair.

0:18:360:18:40

HE MIMICS HAIRDRYER

0:18:430:18:45

I had to go to a building site for a nap.

0:18:490:18:52

But there's a lot of pressure on people to look good, isn't there?

0:18:550:18:59

Go on these extreme diets.

0:18:590:19:00

Even I've juiced.

0:19:000:19:03

I don't like to admit it.

0:19:030:19:04

I wasn't feeling too good about myself earlier on in the year.

0:19:040:19:07

I juiced. I didn't... I wasn't strict.

0:19:070:19:10

You know, you're meant to do it for seven days.

0:19:100:19:12

I did it for three.

0:19:120:19:14

No solid food.

0:19:140:19:15

Just Guinness.

0:19:150:19:17

I lost...my phone...

0:19:190:19:22

..my keys and a close friend.

0:19:330:19:35

I'll tell you the worst people, these are the 2016 dickheads.

0:19:400:19:44

They're spreading. Making us feel bad about ourselves.

0:19:440:19:47

You know these ones? They say things like this,

0:19:470:19:51

"I'm not eating bread."

0:19:510:19:53

Oh, fuck off.

0:19:530:19:55

Do you know what I mean?

0:19:580:19:59

I can't even enjoy bread any more?

0:20:020:20:05

A bit of bread? I've cut down on the ketamine.

0:20:050:20:08

And now I can't enjoy a bit of lemon curd on toast.

0:20:120:20:15

My girlfriend, she's so healthy now.

0:20:170:20:19

We're allowed bread, but it's gluten-free bread.

0:20:190:20:24

Do you know this? A lot of people unsure exactly of what gluten is.

0:20:240:20:29

I'll tell you, because I know about this stuff now.

0:20:290:20:31

Gluten is the good bit.

0:20:310:20:35

APPLAUSE

0:20:370:20:38

Gluten's the bit that makes you think,

0:20:440:20:46

"Oh, I'll have some more bread."

0:20:460:20:48

My girlfriend, she's vegan.

0:20:490:20:51

We've had to get rid of the fridge.

0:20:510:20:53

No more fridge.

0:20:530:20:56

We've replaced the fridge with what looks just like a fridge,

0:20:560:20:59

except you open it and inside is an allotment.

0:20:590:21:04

You know, all this green shit.

0:21:060:21:08

That stuff that you run past at the beginning of supermarkets.

0:21:080:21:12

"Where's the cheese?

0:21:140:21:16

"Oh, look, they've got pop tarts. Brilliant.

0:21:170:21:20

"Doughnuts."

0:21:200:21:22

I miss the fridge.

0:21:250:21:27

The real fridge.

0:21:270:21:29

Stood up eating.

0:21:290:21:30

Nothing better, is there?

0:21:300:21:32

Stood up in your pants, open the door, it lights up.

0:21:320:21:36

Aaahhhh!

0:21:360:21:37

You get in there...

0:21:370:21:39

It's the only place where you can have Kit Kat and ham in your mouth

0:21:390:21:42

at the same time.

0:21:420:21:44

Now I open it, it's full of broccoli, lettuce, fennel,

0:21:480:21:56

celery, apples, pears, spinach, cabbage, kale!

0:21:560:22:03

Which is cabbage for twats.

0:22:030:22:05

My girlfriend's got me eating healthy now.

0:22:160:22:20

She makes us soup.

0:22:200:22:21

Soup.

0:22:210:22:23

I have to eat soup now, like I'm ill.

0:22:230:22:26

It's always the same with soup, isn't it?

0:22:300:22:33

Eating the soup. Every time I go through the same experience,

0:22:330:22:36

"Oh, this is quite nice, actually.

0:22:360:22:38

"I'm quite enjoying this.

0:22:380:22:40

"It's tasty and it's good for you.

0:22:400:22:42

"You're getting one of your five a day.

0:22:420:22:44

"This is lovely. I'm going to cut out all the other shit.

0:22:440:22:46

"I'm just going to eat soup." And then you finish the bread.

0:22:460:22:49

You realise you don't love soup.

0:22:570:23:00

You love bread...

0:23:000:23:02

and butter...

0:23:020:23:04

..dipped in a sauce.

0:23:050:23:07

Thank you very much, Apollo.

0:23:140:23:15

Merry Christmas! Goodnight, see you later!

0:23:150:23:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:180:23:19

Seann Walsh, ladies and gentlemen!

0:23:300:23:32

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act this evening?

0:23:350:23:39

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:23:390:23:40

Please go wild, go crazy, for the fantastic Kerry Godliman!

0:23:400:23:44

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:440:23:46

MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:460:23:48

Hello. Merry Christmas, Hammersmith Apollo!

0:23:560:23:59

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:23:590:24:01

How exciting.

0:24:010:24:02

You've all got Christmassy vibes going on.

0:24:020:24:05

Everyone looks quite glammed up.

0:24:050:24:07

Little bit of sparkle. Everyone's Christmas ready.

0:24:070:24:10

-Who's going away for Christmas?

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:24:100:24:12

Going away for Christmas is a thing, isn't it?

0:24:120:24:13

I don't want to go away for Christmas

0:24:130:24:15

because I like where we live now.

0:24:150:24:16

Because when we first moved to our area, it was a bit shit, right?

0:24:160:24:19

But it's got nice.

0:24:190:24:21

It's got a little bit nicer. It's very slightly gentrified.

0:24:210:24:24

So, now everyone that owns their property,

0:24:240:24:25

they go on Rightmove every day for a little wank.

0:24:250:24:28

"Ooh, let's have a little look at what our house is worth. Whoar!

0:24:300:24:33

"Let's think of somewhere cheaper and put it in.

0:24:330:24:36

"See what we can get.

0:24:360:24:37

"Put in somewhere shit.

0:24:370:24:39

"Somewhere, I don't know, somewhere up north.

0:24:390:24:41

"Put that in." And then you're like, "Fucking hell, we could own Hull."

0:24:410:24:45

Disgusting. It's very vulgar.

0:24:470:24:48

So, I've never lived anywhere nice before.

0:24:480:24:50

It's been quite interesting watching it sort of change a little bit.

0:24:500:24:53

Like, first off, there's little signs that you notice

0:24:530:24:56

when the change is on the horizon.

0:24:560:24:57

Like, first off, it's the availability of sourdough.

0:24:570:24:59

"Mm, change a-coming."

0:25:010:25:03

And then... And then it's the pub.

0:25:030:25:05

It's always the pub. You've got to keep an eye on the pub.

0:25:050:25:07

The pub changes. Like, our old pub, it was a sort of working-class pub.

0:25:070:25:10

Old blokes in there. Smoking roll-ups,

0:25:100:25:12

buying and selling the odd gun.

0:25:120:25:14

Watching Sky Sports, right?

0:25:140:25:17

But they've all had to go now,

0:25:170:25:18

they've been kicked out and the pub's been done up.

0:25:180:25:20

It's all shabby chic, it's all been done a bit retro

0:25:200:25:23

and now there's like pictures on the wall.

0:25:230:25:25

Old Polaroid photographs of working-class blokes

0:25:250:25:28

smoking roll-ups, buying and selling guns, watching Sky Sports.

0:25:280:25:33

And you can eat there. You can get food in the pub now,

0:25:330:25:35

you can get a rustic frittata on a distressed camping plate.

0:25:350:25:38

Or like a pizza off a bin lid. It's great.

0:25:390:25:43

Tapas off a plank.

0:25:430:25:44

Because gentrified people like to eat food

0:25:440:25:46

from bits of shit in the shed.

0:25:460:25:48

Bits of crap kicking around in the garage.

0:25:480:25:51

I've had soup out of a bed pan.

0:25:510:25:53

-It's nice.

-APPLAUSE

0:25:530:25:55

Nice.

0:25:550:25:57

I like it. I like it.

0:25:570:25:58

You have to get a tetanus after you've had a meal, but it's nice.

0:25:580:26:01

And parenting at Christmas time.

0:26:030:26:04

I worry about my parenting.

0:26:040:26:05

I'm not... I don't know if I'm that good at it.

0:26:050:26:07

I get into rows.

0:26:070:26:09

I row with my kids. You shouldn't row with kids, should you?

0:26:090:26:11

It's really frowned at.

0:26:110:26:12

I said to my friend, "I row with my kids,"

0:26:120:26:14

and she said, "What do you mean you row with them?

0:26:140:26:16

"You mean you, like, tell them off?"

0:26:160:26:17

I said, "No, because that would suggest status, wouldn't it?"

0:26:170:26:21

That would imply I've got some power in our relationship,

0:26:210:26:24

but I don't seem to have any power.

0:26:240:26:26

We were at the supermarket recently, getting all the shopping in.

0:26:260:26:29

I'm quite harassed, I've got other things I need to be doing.

0:26:290:26:31

One of them's like, "No, we don't like pasta shells.

0:26:310:26:35

"We only like pasta bows."

0:26:350:26:37

I'm like, "It's the same. It's the same thing.

0:26:370:26:40

"All of the pastas are the same.

0:26:400:26:42

"The pipes and the bows and the shells and the twists -

0:26:420:26:45

"what are you looking at?"

0:26:450:26:47

I said, "You don't give a toss about shape when it's chocolate.

0:26:490:26:52

"Do you?"

0:26:520:26:53

No, it's not good.

0:26:550:26:58

No, because there's no glory in winning a row with a child.

0:26:580:27:04

Like, if you win a row with your mate,

0:27:040:27:06

you then tell your other mate, don't you?

0:27:060:27:08

And then you like, "And then I said, right...

0:27:080:27:10

"and then I said, 'You don't give a shit about shape

0:27:100:27:13

"'when it's chocolate, do you?' And I said it to her face."

0:27:130:27:16

It's like, "Ooh, well done.

0:27:180:27:19

"With your six-year-old kid? Well done, Kell."

0:27:190:27:21

And my son loves to play snap.

0:27:220:27:24

He loves to play dinosaur snap.

0:27:240:27:26

And he hates to lose, cos kids do, don't they?

0:27:260:27:29

Kids hate losing games.

0:27:290:27:30

You won't meet a kid that loses a game that's like, "No, it's fine,

0:27:300:27:33

"best of five. Let's just go again."

0:27:330:27:35

So, I have to let him win because I'm his mum and I love him

0:27:350:27:38

in a sort of oppressive, cloying way.

0:27:380:27:41

So I have to let him win.

0:27:410:27:42

He'll lose at things later in life when I can't control that for him,

0:27:420:27:45

but for this game of snap, I can let him win, can't I?

0:27:450:27:48

But it turns out that my reflexes aren't as sentimental...

0:27:480:27:54

as me.

0:27:540:27:56

So, a diplodocus goes down, and then another diplodocus,

0:27:560:27:59

and before I kind of know what's happening, I'm like, "Snap!

0:27:590:28:02

"Snap! Ha-ha!"

0:28:020:28:05

Right in his face.

0:28:060:28:08

Starts crying.

0:28:090:28:10

You're like, "Oh, grow some, babe.

0:28:100:28:12

"Snap's snap.

0:28:120:28:13

"Life's a bitch, and so's your mum. Shuffle."

0:28:140:28:18

APPLAUSE

0:28:180:28:20

It's not nice.

0:28:200:28:21

I shouldn't. I should be a nicer...

0:28:220:28:25

I should be a nicer mum.

0:28:250:28:27

But I love them. You love them so much.

0:28:270:28:29

You love them so much and it's hard to manage that amount of love.

0:28:290:28:33

Especially at this time of year, you want it to be magical.

0:28:330:28:36

It's going to be magical.

0:28:360:28:37

And I'd collect every memento of their childhood.

0:28:370:28:39

That's a way of managing, isn't it?

0:28:390:28:40

Your affection for them. Collect everything, collect everything.

0:28:400:28:43

I got millions of photographs of them.

0:28:430:28:45

Millions of the first one, a lot less of the second one.

0:28:450:28:47

And collect all their teeth.

0:28:470:28:50

I got all their baby teeth -

0:28:500:28:51

which is a weird tradition if you properly think about it.

0:28:510:28:54

I've got a drawer full of human child's teeth...

0:28:540:28:58

at home. But you just got to get it all, haven't you?

0:28:580:29:00

Collect it all. The bits of their hair from their little haircuts

0:29:000:29:03

and their little baby shoes and the little drawings they do.

0:29:030:29:05

And you collect it, collect it. I feel like a sort of Disney witch.

0:29:050:29:08

"Collect the child! Collect the child!

0:29:080:29:10

"Keep the child! Keep their teeth! Keep their shoes!

0:29:100:29:12

"Keep their shoes. Keep the child.

0:29:120:29:15

"Love the child..."

0:29:150:29:17

It does make you sort of think,

0:29:170:29:18

"What am I going to do with all this shit?"

0:29:180:29:21

I could sort of make a voodoo effigy of them, couldn't I?

0:29:230:29:26

As a disciplining technique when they're older.

0:29:260:29:29

Giving me backchat. "You be back by ten, yeah?"

0:29:290:29:31

"Yeah, whatever, Mum.

0:29:310:29:33

"No, Mummy, not the voodoo!"

0:29:350:29:37

"Pull the child! Pull the child!

0:29:380:29:41

"Keep the child, cage the child!"

0:29:410:29:44

It is weird, that bit.

0:29:470:29:49

Our washing machine broke down the other week.

0:29:510:29:53

I could have done without a washing machine breaking down

0:29:530:29:55

a week before Christmas,

0:29:550:29:57

because I'm like, "Right, I've got to go to Currys now.

0:29:570:29:59

"I'll pop to Currys and I'll buy a new washing machine."

0:29:590:30:01

Because you know when you've got something a bit crap to do,

0:30:010:30:04

you think, "If I say pop, that'll speed it up, won't it?"

0:30:040:30:07

But it doesn't. "Pop", "nip" and "zip" do not bend time.

0:30:080:30:12

Just to let you know that.

0:30:120:30:13

You would be better off clearing a morning.

0:30:130:30:16

I got down to Currys and there's hundreds of washing machines.

0:30:160:30:19

Because there are, aren't they? Because we live in the West,

0:30:190:30:22

we live in the First World, where we celebrate choice.

0:30:220:30:24

But choice is only an advantage if you're a decisive person, isn't it?

0:30:240:30:29

I'd prefer it if there was a choice of two -

0:30:290:30:31

a shit one and a slightly better than shit one.

0:30:310:30:34

To create the illusion of value for money,

0:30:350:30:37

I'd be quite happy with that.

0:30:370:30:39

I didn't know... I don't like shopping.

0:30:390:30:41

I don't enjoy it as an activity.

0:30:410:30:42

Some people do, but I don't.

0:30:420:30:43

I get a bit overwhelmed, I can't form opinions.

0:30:430:30:46

Especially if I'm with the pasta Nazis.

0:30:460:30:47

I don't...

0:30:470:30:49

I don't... I don't... I can't decide on anything,

0:30:500:30:52

so I'm looking at all these washing machines

0:30:520:30:54

thinking, "Well, I don't know."

0:30:540:30:56

So, then I went and sat in the car

0:30:560:30:58

and I read reviews of washing machines.

0:30:580:31:01

I don't want a life where I'm reading a review

0:31:010:31:04

of a washing machine.

0:31:040:31:06

I don't mind reading a review of a book or a film,

0:31:060:31:08

but not a washing machine.

0:31:080:31:11

Who writes reviews of washing machines?

0:31:110:31:14

I mean, you get asked to write reviews most days.

0:31:140:31:16

You buy a thing and they get your e-mail address

0:31:160:31:18

and then they send you an e-mail, "Will you write a little review?

0:31:180:31:20

"Will you write a little review

0:31:200:31:22

"about that bit of shit you bought last Thursday?

0:31:220:31:24

"How do you feel about that bit of shit you bought last Thursday?

0:31:240:31:26

"What are your feelings about it as a consumer?

0:31:260:31:28

"How would you rate it out of ten? Put the kettle on,

0:31:280:31:30

"have a cup of tea and think about how you feel

0:31:300:31:32

"about that bit of shit you bought last Thursday."

0:31:320:31:34

My plumber asked me to write a review for his website.

0:31:350:31:38

I was like, "Well, what do you want me to say, Dean?

0:31:380:31:40

"Brilliant flange sprockets.

0:31:400:31:42

"I flushed all night."

0:31:420:31:44

So, I bought one, right?

0:31:460:31:48

I bought a washing machine,

0:31:480:31:50

and it lives with us now, it's in our house -

0:31:500:31:52

but I've got more choices to make

0:31:520:31:54

because it's got millions and millions of settings on it.

0:31:540:31:56

It's got a sports wash, a daily wash, an eco-wash, a power wash.

0:31:560:32:00

Just clean it!

0:32:000:32:03

It's got an iron-free option.

0:32:030:32:06

Why would I not choose that?

0:32:060:32:09

Who chooses to iron?

0:32:090:32:12

It's got an economy-intense option.

0:32:120:32:16

That doesn't have any meaning. It has no meaning.

0:32:160:32:19

It's got a hand wash option.

0:32:190:32:21

On an automatic washing machine!

0:32:210:32:24

That might as well say, "Oh, you're a lazy bitch, aren't you?

0:32:240:32:29

"I'll do it. I'll do it.

0:32:290:32:30

"You take the weight off your feet, babe."

0:32:300:32:34

Got a passive aggressive washing machine.

0:32:340:32:37

It's got a silk-wash option.

0:32:370:32:39

I haven't got that many silks.

0:32:390:32:40

Nobody has. I've never heard anybody shouting,

0:32:400:32:43

"I'm going to do a silk wash!

0:32:430:32:44

"Have you got any silks that want doing?"

0:32:440:32:48

APPLAUSE

0:32:480:32:50

"Oh, hang on, I'll just go and check my kimono drawer.

0:32:550:32:58

"No, I'm all right for another week. You crack on."

0:33:000:33:02

Stuffing all your silks in.

0:33:030:33:06

"Ugh, I'm going to have to do two loads here, aren't I?"

0:33:060:33:09

You've been absolutely delightful. Have a wonderful Christmas.

0:33:100:33:13

Take care!

0:33:130:33:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:33:140:33:15

Kerry Godliman, ladies and gentlemen!

0:33:200:33:23

Are you ready for your final act this evening?

0:33:260:33:28

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:33:280:33:29

Brilliant - he is one of the most exciting acts around.

0:33:310:33:33

Please give it up for Spencer Jones!

0:33:330:33:36

MUSIC PLAYS

0:33:360:33:38

Hey, hey!

0:33:440:33:47

Wahey!

0:33:470:33:48

HE SINGS ALONG

0:33:510:33:53

MUSIC STOPS

0:33:530:33:54

-All right?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

0:33:540:33:56

Merry Christmas.

0:33:560:33:58

ELECTRONIC BEAT STARTS

0:34:000:34:02

"I don't know what I'm looking at!"

0:34:050:34:07

Some people...

0:34:120:34:13

..like my brother, he's a fireman.

0:34:150:34:17

Yeah.

0:34:170:34:19

That's good, innit? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:34:190:34:21

Other people, yeah, like my cousin, yeah, he...

0:34:210:34:25

he makes T-shirts, yeah?

0:34:250:34:28

All right?

0:34:280:34:29

Me...

0:34:300:34:32

..I'm a dickhead.

0:34:340:34:35

Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead, dickhead, dickhead,

0:34:350:34:38

dickhead, dickhead...

0:34:380:34:40

SAMPLE LOOPS

0:34:400:34:42

Yah!

0:34:520:34:53

Hoi! Oh!

0:34:530:34:56

How'd he do that?

0:34:560:34:58

Wow!

0:34:580:35:01

You... You stroke him? Stand, stand.

0:35:010:35:03

Gentle, gentle, gentle.

0:35:030:35:06

Ooh, He's not sure.

0:35:060:35:07

OK. He don't like it.

0:35:090:35:11

He don't like it.

0:35:110:35:13

Do magic. Go, hi-yah.

0:35:130:35:15

Hi-yah.

0:35:150:35:16

Ooh!

0:35:180:35:20

Hello!

0:35:200:35:22

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...

0:35:310:35:35

SAMPLE LOOPS

0:35:350:35:37

Agh, ya... Ohh... Ay, ay, ay.

0:36:140:36:17

That's sore, sore, sore, sore.

0:36:170:36:19

Sore, sore, sore, sore, sore, s-sore, sore, sore.

0:36:190:36:23

Sore, sore, sore, sore, sore, s-sore, sore, sore.

0:36:230:36:28

SAMPLE LOOPS

0:36:280:36:29

Nothing there. Nothing there.

0:37:060:37:08

How you doing, all right?

0:37:100:37:11

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

0:37:110:37:12

Merry Christmas!

0:37:120:37:14

Whoo!

0:37:140:37:16

Ooh, I won a goldfish! Wahey!

0:37:160:37:18

WOLF WHISTLE

0:37:240:37:25

Thank you.

0:37:250:37:27

APPLAUSE

0:37:320:37:34

HE WHISTLES "O Tannenbaum"

0:37:420:37:45

Yeah, yeah?

0:37:520:37:54

APPLAUSE

0:37:540:37:55

Permanent marker.

0:37:590:38:00

"Can we go swimming, Daddy?"

0:38:020:38:05

Not for a couple of weeks, mate.

0:38:050:38:07

Just whistle?

0:38:080:38:09

Oh, no.

0:38:090:38:11

HE HUMS

0:38:110:38:13

HE WHISTLES

0:38:140:38:15

I can vote.

0:38:180:38:20

APPLAUSE

0:38:210:38:23

Well, yeah.

0:38:260:38:28

What's this here, look?

0:38:290:38:31

Whose is it? Can I have a go with that?

0:38:310:38:33

Is that all right? See that?

0:38:330:38:35

The old... You know, the old...

0:38:350:38:37

They do, don't they? Yeah.

0:38:390:38:41

"That's going."

0:38:430:38:44

What else is there?

0:38:460:38:48

The old, erm...

0:38:490:38:51

HE WHISTLES

0:38:510:38:53

APPLAUSE

0:39:060:39:08

Nothing to do with... Nothing doing.

0:39:080:39:11

-Oh, do you want to meet my son?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

0:39:180:39:21

Do want to see my son? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?

0:39:210:39:23

Son.

0:39:230:39:25

All right, mate? Come out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:39:270:39:31

Hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey-hey-hey.

0:39:330:39:36

All right, mate. OK.

0:39:380:39:40

Chill out, mate.

0:39:400:39:42

He's at that age, you know?

0:39:430:39:45

Very aggressive. All right, mate.

0:39:450:39:47

Chill out. Don't know if he's hungry or tired or whatever.

0:39:470:39:50

He's like - come on, mate. Took him to the doctor's.

0:39:500:39:52

You know, doctor's like, "It's normal."

0:39:520:39:54

It's not normal! Look at him, he's going mad!

0:39:540:39:56

Look at that.

0:39:560:39:58

They think he's angry.

0:39:580:40:00

Because he's got a very long neck.

0:40:000:40:05

He can't scratch his ears.

0:40:070:40:08

Yeah.

0:40:110:40:12

You all right, mate?

0:40:140:40:15

Yeah?

0:40:170:40:19

Did you have a nice time on the helicopter?

0:40:190:40:21

Mate? Son?

0:40:260:40:28

Aah! Where's my body?

0:40:280:40:29

It's something, innit?

0:40:290:40:31

It's something, innit? It's something.

0:40:310:40:33

Full-on, though. You know?

0:40:330:40:35

Sometimes, I just go in the downstairs loo

0:40:350:40:37

just to get away from it.

0:40:370:40:39

But it's boring, isn't it?

0:40:430:40:45

Sitting in a downstairs loo if you're not doing a poo.

0:40:450:40:47

What you can do, little tip...

0:40:510:40:52

Everyone's got one of them, haven't they?

0:40:540:40:56

-You know, the old...

-HE WHISTLES

0:40:560:40:57

Yeah?

0:40:570:40:58

Get that. What I do is, little tip, put a bit of gaffer...

0:40:580:41:02

put that up like that. Yeah.

0:41:020:41:04

And then...

0:41:040:41:06

"Hello.

0:41:060:41:07

"Where have you been?" Oh, I've been busy, mate.

0:41:080:41:12

What you can do...

0:41:120:41:13

Everyone's got a fox's tail, haven't they?

0:41:130:41:16

You stick that in there...

0:41:190:41:21

Nice lady. "Steve!

0:41:210:41:24

"I'm waiting."

0:41:240:41:26

What you can do is put that up like that.

0:41:260:41:28

Like that.

0:41:280:41:29

Trump.

0:41:310:41:33

APPLAUSE

0:41:330:41:34

"I'm going to build a wall."

0:41:420:41:44

Course you are, mate.

0:41:440:41:46

What you can do, yeah, put that there.

0:41:460:41:49

Put that there like that. Yeah?

0:41:490:41:51

And then like that.

0:41:510:41:52

But you put him there like that.

0:41:520:41:54

And he's like, "Where to, mate?"

0:41:540:41:56

Plumstead, please, mate.

0:41:570:41:59

"Been working?"

0:42:010:42:02

Yeah, yeah.

0:42:020:42:03

"Oh, yeah? What do you do?"

0:42:050:42:07

What is this?

0:42:070:42:08

I think it's comedy.

0:42:120:42:14

"Oh, comedian." Yeah.

0:42:150:42:16

Watch the road!

0:42:160:42:18

"Here's one for you." Yeah?

0:42:180:42:20

"Why don't you get household objects."

0:42:210:42:25

Yeah?

0:42:250:42:27

"Make them talk."

0:42:270:42:29

Oh, yeah!

0:42:290:42:31

Yeah, like a ventriloquist. Yeah.

0:42:310:42:33

"Yeah, like a ventriloquist."

0:42:330:42:35

Like Nina Conti. She's amazing, isn't she?

0:42:350:42:37

When she puts the mouth on the people.

0:42:370:42:39

"Yeah, SHE'S good.

0:42:390:42:40

"She's a good ventriloquist."

0:42:450:42:46

All right, mate, chill out.

0:42:460:42:47

Clean it. "No!"

0:42:470:42:48

APPLAUSE

0:42:510:42:52

I'm 38.

0:42:570:42:59

Quick impression?

0:43:060:43:07

-ALL:

-Yes!

0:43:070:43:08

This is a posh lady falling to her death.

0:43:080:43:12

"Oh, my God! Waah!"

0:43:130:43:17

APPLAUSE

0:43:180:43:20

Thank you very, very much.

0:43:230:43:24

Have a lovely Christmas, whatever you're doing.

0:43:240:43:26

Thank you very much for having me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

0:43:260:43:28

Oi-oi! Wahey!

0:43:280:43:31

Spencer Jones, ladies and gentlemen.

0:43:340:43:36

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:43:360:43:38

Please, can you give it up for our acts this evening?

0:43:380:43:40

Give it up for Kerry Godliman! AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:43:400:43:43

Seann Walsh! AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:43:430:43:45

And, of course, the brilliant Spencer Jones!

0:43:450:43:47

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:43:470:43:48

I'll see you next time - merry Christmas, goodnight!

0:43:480:43:51

In a very special Christmas episode, the star of BBC Three's Asian Provocateur Romesh Ranganthan is the host and introduces the exceptionally talented Seann Walsh, the fabulous Kerry Godliman and surreal comedian Spencer Jones to the stage for some festive frolics.