Episode 1 Live at the Apollo


Episode 1

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. In the first episode, host Sarah Millican introduces rising star Tom Allen and US comedian Arj Barker to the stage.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome your host for tonight...

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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MUSIC: Somebody Told Me by The Killers

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Good evening and welcome to Live at the Apollo!

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CHEERING

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-Are you well? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Excellent.

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I'm glad. I'm also well. I'd a migraine a few weeks ago.

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I don't get them often enough to worry about, but I do get them now and again. I thought,

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"I'll go on Twitter. I'll ask people on Twitter how they get rid of their migraines."

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Give us a cheer if you are on Twitter.

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CHEERING

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I got the usual sort of expected responses,

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and then my favourite one came up.

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It said, "Two Nurofen and a wank."

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And it totally worked.

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If anything, it just pushed the throbbing down a bit.

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Thanks, @BootsTheChemist.

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About a year ago, I had a sore throat for a bit too long.

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I went to see my doctor. My doctor sent me to see a specialist -

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an ear, nose and throat specialist.

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I said, "OK." So off I go to see this fella, lovely fella he was.

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He said to me, "Do you suffer from acid reflux?" I said, "No."

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And then, when I got home,

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I realised I should have said yes, cos my husband and I eat so many

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Rennies that we call them bathroom sweets.

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He said, "I'd like you to take Gaviscon after every meal."

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I said, "After every meal, or every time I've eaten?"

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Cos those two are very different numbers.

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He said, "What I'd like to do is put a camera down your throat so we can

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"have a proper look at what we're dealing with."

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I thought, "This is the bit where he sends me away and I

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"come back in six months with a new appointment." He went,

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"No, no, we can do that now." "Oh, shit!"

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So he got out this contraption, metal like this and metal like this.

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The main thing you need to know is that it's very rigid -

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-none of it moves - so

-I

-had to move because it wouldn't move.

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And he put it down my throat and I instantly gagged.

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SHE IMITATES GAGGING

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And he pulled it out and said, "Are you going to be OK with this?"

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And I went, "Yes."

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And then he put it back in.

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SHE IMITATES GAGGING I was mortified.

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He said, "Do me a favour -

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"the next time you think you're going to gag, do this."

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Ee-e-e-e-e-e-e.

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I said, "Why?" He said, "It stops you gagging."

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And I thought, "Noted."

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LOUD LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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My husband's going to think he's

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being sucked off by a Geordie pensioner.

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Ee-e-e-e!

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Who knows? Some day, he might be.

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No, I meant that we're pensioners -

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I don't mean, like, for a present.

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Come on in, Doris, he's ready for his gift now.

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SINGS: "Happy birthday to ee-e-e-e-e."

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I've got pets. I've got two cats and a dog.

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I'll tell you about those. My cats, they don't always get on.

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Sometimes, they kind of chase each other,

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it looks a little bit aggressive,

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so what I do to break that up to kind of distract them is we use

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a laser pen - you will have seen these.

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So the cats will be chasing each other round then one or both of them

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will become transfixed by a little red dot that has appeared on

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the ceiling or the walls or the floor.

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And it's so effective that we've started using it

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in our own relationship.

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So I'll be saying something like, "All I want you to do when you've

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"finished with your wet towels is put them in the... Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"

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But whenever you introduce a new cat a household that already has a

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cat, there's always a bit of aggro while they work out the hierarchy,

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then it settles down. The day I knew our two were going to be OK with

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each other was the day that I walked into our bedroom

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and they were lying on the bed like that.

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They weren't quite spooning, but it was good enough for me.

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I tried to come in behind them. "Big Mama Spoon's getting on."

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"I'll be the ladle." I don't know what that means.

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And for about two minutes, it was utter perfection,

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and then Brodie leaned over to Ripley, the little girl cat,

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and just started licking her arsehole.

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I don't think Mama Spoon's supposed to be here for this.

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She was brilliant. She was lying with her legs shut like that.

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As soon as he started licking her arsehole, she went,

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"Ah, that's lovely."

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I turned 41 this year.

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I like being in my 40s. Give us a cheer if you are 40 and above.

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SCATTERED CHEERING I like it.

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I don't give a shit about unimportant things any more.

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I think that's what it boils down to.

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Quite a few things changed when I turned 40 last year.

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One of the things that changed is

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that I've stopped sniffing me leggings.

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND MURMURS

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I used to sniff them to see if I could get another day out of them.

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Whereas now, I just assume that I can.

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But I read on a proper form - a proper official document - recently

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the term "women's problems".

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And I thought, in 2016, really, it says "women's problems"?

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I thought, why doesn't it just say periods and menstruation?

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There's nothing wrong with those words, nothing wrong with the actual thing.

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It's perfectly normal, it's natural, nothing to be ashamed of,

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it's part of life. Seems peculiar to me.

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So what I've decided to do, and you can come with me if you like,

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I've decided to bypass the word "periods",

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if people find it so offensive, and I'm going to say this instead...

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So if somebody says to me, "Are you all right?"

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I'm going to go, "Ugh, I'm clotting."

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See, the word period isn't so bad now, is it? No!

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But a lot of the euphemisms for periods are really horrible.

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It's such a bad reflection of how normal it is. So if clotting horrifies you, I get it.

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So I made up another one - a bit lighter, a bit more playful.

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Perhaps this will appeal to you more. This is it -

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it's WI week, because I'm making jam.

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Do you get it? Do you get it? AUDIENCE GROANS

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Some of you are more horrified by that than you were by clotting,

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and I think I have ruined afternoon teas for everyone.

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Sorry about that.

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I read a really good statistic that said that 67% of women -

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so two thirds of women - don't bath or shower every day.

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And my first reaction, because I bath or shower every day,

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my first reaction was, "That's disgusting."

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My second reaction was to start sniffing my friends.

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And my third reaction was, "Well, if they're not doing it,

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"I'm not going to do it."

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I do mostly bath or shower every day but, every now and again,

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if I'm running late or I've got an early appointment or I've slept in,

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anything like that, I'll do instead

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what my mum would refer to as a flannel job.

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This is a good tip for the women in the room who do have pubic hair.

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The next time you do a flannel job, if you do it in a circular motion,

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you can Afro it right up, it's really fun.

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Proper bouffant going, if you like.

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That's not a joke. That's just a tip for you to take home and try.

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In a room of this size,

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at least 40 or 50 women tomorrow morning will be like,

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"I'm going to give it a go, I'm going to give it a go."

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Ugh, massive pants.

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Oh, yeah. I went for a massage.

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Give us a cheer if you've ever been for a massage.

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CHEERING See, I don't like it.

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I like the bit at the end where I feel all floppy and relaxed,

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that bit where I'm like, "I might never wear a bra again."

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I don't like the actual activity itself.

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I feel very uncomfortable being in front of a stranger just

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in my pants. So what happens is I book the massage,

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I get so stressed and tense on the build-up to the massage that the

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best you can do at the massage

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is get me back down to the level of stress I was at

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before I booked the massage.

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Now, one thing they do in those appointments that I don't like

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is when they teach you how to breathe. They do that, don't they?

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Like, "I'm 41. The breathing's been going pretty well, thanks."

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But they do that, don't they? They go, "And breathe in."

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SHE INHALES

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SHE EXHALES

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"And breathe out." I could have died!

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I could have died if I'd waited for her.

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The last massage I had, she said, "This is an aromatherapy massage."

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I said, "That's correct." "I've got three different oils.

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"I want you to smell each one, pick the one you like the best,

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"and we'll use that one." "Champion."

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She unscrewed the lid off the first one, wafted it in front of my nose.

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I said, "Is that Eucalyptus? Eucalyptus? Like a menthol?

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"Like a menthol? Is it menthol? Is it menthol? Is it menthol?

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"Like a mint? Is it mint? Is it mint? Is it mint? Is it mint?"

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She said, "You don't have to guess what it is."

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The second one, she wafted it in front my nose, I said,

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"Is that lemon? Is it lemon? Is it lemon? Is it lemon?

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"Is it like a citrus? Like a citrus? Like a citrus? Like a citrus?

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"Like a general sort of citrus? Is it grapefruit? Is it grapefruit?"

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She said "It's not a quiz".

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The third one, she wafted in front of my nose, and I did like it but

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I didn't know what it was. I said, "I'll have that one."

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She said, "Good." She read the label on the bottle,

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she said, "That's happy".

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And I thought, "I was never going to win the quiz, was I?!"

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My worst bit of a massage is the bit, in a full body massage,

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where they make you turn over on the table,

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cos the tables are very narrow, and I am not.

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They do at least hold the towel up, don't they,

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so you can flubber, flubber, flubber over, then plank it,

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or so I thought.

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The last one, she held the towel up, I flubber, flubber, flubbered over.

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I was almost in position when our eyes locked in the mirrored wall

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at the end of the room.

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My friend said to me, "That's not my worst bit of a massage."

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I said, "What's your worst bit?"

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"I don't like the bit where they pull your knickers down a bit."

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I said, "They'd have to do that with me, otherwise they wouldn't get half me back."

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I went for a massage with a friend of mine.

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We were in the waiting area, and the woman came out and said,

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"Ladies, ladies, ladies. Just to let you know that on staff today

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"we have a male massage therapist.

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"I was wondering if either of you would mind...?"

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And my friend went, "I'll have him".

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I said afterwards, "Look, you're single, you can always have the bloke if you want,

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"but just let her finish her question first.

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"Maybe leave it a second and then say, 'I suppose I don't mind,'

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"rather than, 'I'll have him.' "

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She came out of this massage with this huge beaming smile on her face.

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I said, "Was it a good massage?" She said, "Oh, yeah."

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I said, "That's good." She said, "I felt his erection."

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We take turns to pay and it was my turn.

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I thought, I'm not paying if she's had extras.

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I said, "You felt his erection?"

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She said "Yes, on me elbow."

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Now, I don't know what your elbows are like,

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but mine is like rhino skin.

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I'd be hard pushed to tell hot from cold with mine.

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That would be an excellent game show, wouldn't it?

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"Cock or not? Cock or not?"

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One thing I don't like - this might come across overly mean.

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I hope it doesn't, but it might.

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I don't like a skinny massage therapist.

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The one I use at the moment is about my size, maybe a little bigger.

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I don't like the skinny ones. They've never said anything to me,

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but in my mind, when they're massaging me, they're doing this -

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"Eurgh, eurgh,

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"eurgh, eurgh."

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"I'm going to need more time, it's a bigger surface area."

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The whole time I'm being massaged there's an inner monologue going on

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up here. Outside, I'm the picture of composure.

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In here, it's going crazy - it depends on where she starts.

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If she starts at the bottom, I'd be like, "Tickly feet, tickly feet.

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"Oh, she's gone up to the bit where I've got broken veins,

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"I don't like that bit.

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"Oh, too close to me fanny! Too close to me fanny!"

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So I'm lying there, covered in "happy".

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LOUD LAUGHTER

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Very different version of Snow White than we're used to, yes?

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And the massage ends.

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She did what they always do, she put like a chocolatey voice.

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She said, "Just relax, there's plenty of time.

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"There's no need for you to rush.

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"Please just stay relaxed, there's so much time.

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"I just want you to stay relaxed, there's no need for you to...

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"Please just stay relaxed."

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What she didn't know is I'd been dying for a fart for 40 minutes.

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The door had barely clicked shut when I let out the loudest,

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most trombonious fart you've ever heard in your life.

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Remember, I was covered in oil.

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It was like a Salvation Army band had popped in.

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And I am right in the middle of potentially

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the best fart of my life,

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when she came back in with a glass of water.

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And I half expected her to go, "Is that curry? Is that curry?

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"Is it curry? Is that curry?"

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And if she had, I'd have gone, "No, love, that's happy."

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Are you ready for your first act? CHEERING

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Your first act it is a good friend of mine

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and he's one of my favourite comics and one of my favourite men.

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Please give it up for the wonderful Mr Tom Allen.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, everyone, hello.

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Are you well? CHEERING

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Oh, good. Well, it's so wonderful to be here in, erm...

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you know.

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And...so I'm gay.

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I don't know if I needed to explain that.

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And if you've seen me before, I'm still gay.

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The gay thing, it's getting worse.

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And I'm completely gay - I've never tried it any other way.

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I've never tried it with a woman.

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I'm...I'm...I'm a thoroughbred.

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I mean, really, I wouldn't know a vagina if it hit me in the face.

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I mean, can they do that? Have they got hands? I've never seen one.

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Though I have been twatted.

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One of the most exciting things that happened to me,

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when I was about eight years old...

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I'm 33 now.

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I know - Nivea.

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But when I was about eight years old, in the early-to-mid-'90s -

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the mid-John Major years, as we call them.

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The most exciting thing that could happen to probably anybody

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during that time - and lord knows there weren't many exciting things

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unless you were Edwina Currie...

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But the most exciting thing that could happen to you during that time

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would be that your local authority would open up a leisure centre.

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These leisure centres were not ordinary sports centres, no, no.

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What they had inside them were subtropical paradises!

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And these subtropical paradises were basically swimming pools -

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swimming pools that were designed to look like the sea,

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if the sea had been...

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tiled?

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And the other thing they also had were flumes,

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and flumes were water slides which

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went outside of the building,

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because nothing is more exciting

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than being on a water slide

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over the car park.

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They were wonderful places to go,

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and we knew they were subtropical paradises

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because they'd have one palm tree made of plastic,

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and they'd have huge windows which overlooked the dual carriageway.

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But the best thing that could happen to you while you were in the

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subtropical paradise would be that

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they would start up the wave machine!

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CHEERING

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And the wave machine would be heralded with a siren,

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and the siren sounded a bit like this -

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ah-h-h-h-h!

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And when you heard that siren, it didn't matter where you were,

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everyone would come flocking to the water, wading into the water,

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wading into the water,

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wading into the water like they'd come to hear the Good News.

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Like they'd come to be baptised.

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Everybody would come into the water, you'd see everybody you knew.

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You'd see people you knew, like you'd see your mum's friend Joyce.

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She'd be there...

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in her bikini - basically just in her underwear.

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Never thought I'd see you like that, Joyce.

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Everyone would come wading in up to your ankles,

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up to your knees, up to your hips - wherever you felt most comfortable.

0:16:180:16:21

And then when the wave machine really got going,

0:16:210:16:24

when it really got going, the best thing that it would make you do

0:16:240:16:27

is that it would make you go like this...

0:16:270:16:30

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:350:16:38

Ah!

0:16:380:16:40

It was a wonderful time to be alive!

0:16:400:16:43

But then the wave machine would stop very abruptly,

0:16:460:16:49

and that's probably when you'd decide to go on the flumes.

0:16:490:16:52

So to get on the flumes, you'd have to queue on the stairs at the side.

0:16:520:16:55

You'd have to stand on the staircase in your trunks,

0:16:550:16:57

basically in your underwear, on the staircase, getting cold.

0:16:570:16:59

It's a very unusual feeling, I think, standing on a staircase

0:16:590:17:02

in your underwear getting cold. Unless maybe you have a lot of affairs?

0:17:020:17:07

You'd just stand on the staircase, you'd have to queue for ages.

0:17:070:17:10

There'd probably be two flumes,

0:17:100:17:11

but one of them would be closed because last week somebody died.

0:17:110:17:15

And you'd have to queue,

0:17:170:17:19

and the flumes would be managed by a 16-year-old

0:17:190:17:21

who had a whistle and no qualifications at all.

0:17:210:17:24

And he was using some sort of red and green lighting system which we

0:17:250:17:28

couldn't...we couldn't possibly understand.

0:17:280:17:31

Couldn't understand it. And eventually, when it was your turn,

0:17:320:17:35

you'd have to wait and wait, and when it was your special moment

0:17:350:17:37

on the flumes, you'd have to get in position at the top.

0:17:370:17:39

You'd have to hold on to the handles at the side.

0:17:390:17:41

Otherwise, you'd just be sucked off into oblivion.

0:17:410:17:44

And when it was your turn, your special moment on the flumes,

0:17:460:17:49

the 16-year-old, he would turn to you, and he would say,

0:17:490:17:52

"You can go now if you want".

0:17:520:17:54

And you'd launch yourself off.

0:17:560:17:58

And where the flumes had been

0:17:580:18:00

manufactured rather cheaply during the mid-John Major years,

0:18:000:18:03

they were made of panels of fibreglass which had been bolted

0:18:030:18:08

together. And where those panels joined, as you went over them,

0:18:080:18:12

would cut into your back like knives.

0:18:120:18:15

But because you'd be queueing so long, you were desperate to have a good time.

0:18:160:18:19

So you'd be on the flumes going,

0:18:190:18:21

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

0:18:210:18:23

"Oh, it's gone light, you must be over the car park.

0:18:230:18:26

"Ow, ow, ow, ow."

0:18:260:18:27

And there'd probably be a trickle of water going through

0:18:270:18:30

that was designed to lubricate your passage.

0:18:300:18:33

And because it was a cheap and shoddy manufacture,

0:18:330:18:35

sometimes that trickle of water would have just trickled away.

0:18:350:18:39

And suddenly you would find yourself in a dry bit.

0:18:390:18:43

And because you were eight years old and you had no momentum at all,

0:18:430:18:46

you'd just stop!

0:18:460:18:47

You'd just stop and there'd be no way of getting out of it.

0:18:490:18:51

You'd try and scoot yourself forward,

0:18:510:18:53

there's nothing you could do. You'd think, "Oh, my God, am I dead?

0:18:530:18:56

"Is this what it is to be dead?

0:18:560:18:57

"Is that what the light is? Oh, no, it's just the car park. Oh, good.

0:18:570:19:01

"How am I going to get out of this?

0:19:010:19:03

"Thank God for the 16-year-old upstairs.

0:19:030:19:05

"He knows I'm here, he'll send for me, he'll send for me.

0:19:050:19:08

"It's all going to be fine, he'll send for me."

0:19:080:19:10

And at that moment,

0:19:100:19:11

you'd look over your head and that's when you'd see

0:19:110:19:14

the shadow of somebody else on the flumes.

0:19:140:19:17

You'd think, "Oh, God, it's all on a timer, he doesn't care at all.

0:19:170:19:20

"He doesn't care, he doesn't care."

0:19:200:19:22

You try and scoot yourself along, you'd peer over your shoulder,

0:19:220:19:25

you'd see the toes of somebody else coming round the corner.

0:19:250:19:28

The legs of somebody else coming.

0:19:280:19:29

The whole body of somebody else coming round the corner,

0:19:290:19:32

and that's when you'd realise that

0:19:320:19:34

it was your mum's friend Joyce,

0:19:340:19:36

coming round the corner, legs akimbo. She'd smash into the back of you.

0:19:360:19:39

Suddenly, you'd both be hurtling along together

0:19:390:19:41

like you were in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

0:19:410:19:43

You nestled in the bosom of her thighs,

0:19:430:19:46

going so fast from side to side, to side to side, both of you screaming

0:19:460:19:49

for different reasons!

0:19:490:19:51

So fast from side to side.

0:19:520:19:54

You've never been so fast in your whole life. How will it ever stop?

0:19:540:19:57

Will it ever stop? Eventually, you'll be thrown out the

0:19:570:19:59

other end of the flumes.

0:19:590:20:00

You'd fly across the sky, past the palm tree, across the window,

0:20:000:20:03

and then land in the landing pool.

0:20:030:20:05

Then you'd look at each other in a way that said,

0:20:050:20:07

"I never thought we would touch like that!"

0:20:070:20:10

But which also said, "We will never speak of this again."

0:20:120:20:15

And that's when I first realised that I was gay.

0:20:150:20:19

Thank you very much, Apollo, my name's Tom Allen.

0:20:220:20:25

Goodnight, goodnight.

0:20:250:20:26

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:260:20:28

Give it up for Tom Allen!

0:20:330:20:35

Are you ready for your next act?

0:20:380:20:40

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

0:20:400:20:42

Your next act tours the world, has come all the way from America,

0:20:420:20:45

he's absolutely brilliant. Please give it up for Arj Barker!

0:20:450:20:49

CHEERING

0:20:490:20:51

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

0:20:540:20:57

All right, all right.

0:21:000:21:02

Good evening, I'm really excited to be here tonight.

0:21:020:21:05

I'm just very happy to be back here in the UK, and I want to start

0:21:050:21:09

by thanking the BBC for letting me be on the show.

0:21:090:21:12

It's really awesome that they did.

0:21:120:21:14

It doesn't pay that well, but it's just really cool to be here.

0:21:140:21:17

And they've been so generous. They've put me up in a hotel

0:21:190:21:22

right next to a casino in the city, and they didn't have to do that.

0:21:220:21:26

I'm not criticising the BBC. It's not their responsibility to know

0:21:260:21:30

that I have a gambling addiction.

0:21:300:21:31

Cos it's about self-knowledge.

0:21:310:21:34

When I go to the casino,

0:21:340:21:36

I only bring the equivalent of 100

0:21:360:21:38

to gamble with cos I know I can afford to lose that.

0:21:380:21:42

And I bring 25 for food

0:21:420:21:44

in case I get hungry.

0:21:440:21:46

And 800 for bus fare...

0:21:470:21:48

LAUGHTER

0:21:480:21:50

..in case I forget something and have to go home

0:21:500:21:52

a couple hundred times.

0:21:520:21:54

So most of my adult life I've been a bachelor.

0:21:550:21:58

But about three years ago I met somebody and we started dating, and a year just flew by.

0:21:580:22:03

And then I said, "This is cool, you maybe should move in."

0:22:030:22:06

She said, "Great, Arj."

0:22:060:22:07

So she moved in and now I've been living with my girlfriend

0:22:070:22:10

for just over two years.

0:22:100:22:12

And I want to say living with someone has been such a major

0:22:120:22:15

eye-opener for me.

0:22:150:22:16

It's like the first time in my life

0:22:160:22:19

when I feel like I truly understand

0:22:190:22:21

why murder happens.

0:22:210:22:24

Because up till now, I would always just think,

0:22:260:22:29

"Why would somebody kill somebody? It's so extreme."

0:22:290:22:32

But these days, at least once a week

0:22:340:22:36

I think, "Well, we can't take that option off the table."

0:22:360:22:40

I mean, not that I ever would. I would never kill anybody

0:22:420:22:44

intentionally and I'm a pacifist, 100%.

0:22:440:22:47

And I also don't want you to think that in any way that I'm trying

0:22:470:22:50

to minimalize the serious issue of domestic violence.

0:22:500:22:53

All I'm really trying to say is that living with my girlfriend has

0:22:530:22:56

introduced me to new levels of anger within myself...

0:22:560:22:59

that I didn't even know were there before.

0:22:590:23:01

You know they say... Have you ever heard that thing, sir,

0:23:010:23:04

"When you meet the right person, it completes you"?

0:23:040:23:06

Have you heard about that?

0:23:060:23:08

It turns out the missing part of me was the really pissed-off part.

0:23:080:23:11

"Oh, OK. There you are.

0:23:130:23:15

"Get on in here, you big red-faced son of a bitch."

0:23:150:23:17

Now, I am whole.

0:23:190:23:20

I know that some people here might be a little concerned and think,

0:23:220:23:25

"Jeez, Arj, how does that joke make your poor girlfriend feel?"

0:23:250:23:28

You ought to know something, London.

0:23:280:23:29

Any joke that my girlfriend's involved in,

0:23:290:23:32

she gets to hear it first and she has to sign off on it

0:23:320:23:34

before I do it onstage.

0:23:340:23:36

That's a self-volunteered policy out of respect for her,

0:23:360:23:39

so when I thought of that joke,

0:23:390:23:41

I thought, "OK, it's a little dark, but I can make it work."

0:23:410:23:44

Then I thought, "Oh, shit, now I've got to tell her."

0:23:440:23:48

So I want to wait till the right time - till she had a little bit of red wine in her hand.

0:23:480:23:52

I'd just opened up a fresh box that night.

0:23:520:23:54

She's about to watch her favourite show of all time, Downtown Abbey.

0:23:560:23:59

LAUGHTER

0:23:590:24:01

Then I said, "Honey, I've got this new joke -

0:24:010:24:04

"it's about us and it's so stupid.

0:24:040:24:06

"I mean, it's so over the top, it's flat-out ridiculous."

0:24:060:24:09

"Just tell me the joke, Arj."

0:24:090:24:11

So I told her. And you know what?

0:24:110:24:13

She laughed. And she didn't just laugh,

0:24:130:24:16

she laughed at a level of laughter

0:24:160:24:18

to the point where I started thinking,

0:24:180:24:20

"Shit, I gotta watch my back."

0:24:200:24:21

But I didn't want to tip her off to let her know that I was onto her

0:24:240:24:27

and that I'd discovered her plan to eliminate me.

0:24:270:24:29

So I played real cool, but I'm a lot more careful now.

0:24:300:24:33

If she said, "Hey, Arj, do you want to go cliff-walking with me later?"

0:24:330:24:36

"Uh, no, actually. I got a tonne of shit to do inland."

0:24:370:24:41

You guys are an awesome crowd.

0:24:450:24:46

Did anybody watch Game of Thrones?

0:24:460:24:48

SCATTERED CHEERING

0:24:480:24:49

Best show ever. I assume everybody's all caught-up.

0:24:490:24:52

Can we talk about it in detail?

0:24:520:24:54

-PORTION OF AUDIENCE:

-No!

0:24:540:24:56

A couple of people, who said no?

0:24:560:24:59

You're not caught-up? And what's your name?

0:24:590:25:01

Sana? Santa.

0:25:010:25:03

Oh, good to meet you in person.

0:25:030:25:05

Thanks for all the presents over the years.

0:25:050:25:08

You're a lot different than I pictured.

0:25:100:25:13

Lovely to meet you.

0:25:130:25:14

Santa...

0:25:150:25:16

..on behalf of yourself and anyone else that isn't caught-up on

0:25:180:25:21

Game of Thrones, I want you to know that I will happily skip over this

0:25:210:25:24

small part of the show because spoiling popular TV in our culture

0:25:240:25:27

is a huge taboo, Santa.

0:25:270:25:29

Far be it from me to break that taboo, and, yes, I pronounce taboo "t'boo".

0:25:290:25:33

So you have nothing to worry about, Santa. But at some point, yes,

0:25:350:25:39

perhaps a wider discussion about implementing a

0:25:390:25:42

statute of limitations with regards to how much authority the

0:25:420:25:46

spoiler police have in our world.

0:25:460:25:48

Because at some point, I would like to freely discuss the movie ET

0:25:480:25:51

with my friends...

0:25:510:25:53

in public without getting my head ripped off.

0:25:530:25:56

"Shut up, Arj. Shut up, I haven't seen ET yet.

0:25:560:25:58

"Shut up, I'm going to watch it this weekend.

0:25:580:26:00

"Shut up, don't talk about it!"

0:26:000:26:01

Well, he goes home! He goes home!

0:26:010:26:03

He goes home, Santa.

0:26:060:26:08

Maybe YOU ought to go home.

0:26:100:26:13

And start watching some shit.

0:26:130:26:15

Goddamn!

0:26:160:26:18

It's called must-see TV - is there something unclear about that?

0:26:180:26:22

It's not called see-it-whenever-the fuck-you-get-around-to-it.

0:26:220:26:25

Meanwhile, slap a gag order

0:26:250:26:28

on the rest of civilisation.

0:26:280:26:30

You know something, Santa? You seem real nice, but you know what?

0:26:320:26:35

You're the spoiler.

0:26:350:26:38

You spoil enjoyable conversation for other adults...

0:26:380:26:42

..because you're too goddamned lazy to sit around and watch TV

0:26:430:26:45

all day like the rest of us.

0:26:450:26:47

And I'm glad to see you're still smiling, because you've

0:26:490:26:52

actually helped me out a lot, OK?

0:26:520:26:53

This is part of my show, Santa.

0:26:530:26:56

And if on any particular night when I'm doing this joke and I say to the

0:26:560:26:59

audience, "Are you all caught-up on Game of Thrones?"

0:26:590:27:02

And on that particular night, Santa,

0:27:020:27:04

the entire audience says, "Yup, we're all caught-up, Arj."

0:27:040:27:08

Guess what, Santa? I'm fucked.

0:27:090:27:11

Cos I would have just lost two minutes of arguably some of the

0:27:210:27:24

strongest material in my whole set.

0:27:240:27:26

And I've never even seen Game of Thrones. OK?

0:27:280:27:32

I'm not going to watch that bullshit.

0:27:320:27:34

This has been wonderful. I'm about to get out of here and I want to

0:27:400:27:43

just thank you all for coming out here and being a great crowd.

0:27:430:27:46

You've really cheered me up.

0:27:460:27:48

And I was a little bit low when I showed up here tonight,

0:27:480:27:50

I'm going to admit that.

0:27:500:27:51

And don't worry, it's not clinical.

0:27:510:27:54

Depression is a serious thing - I was just feeling a little bit low.

0:27:540:27:56

And it's my fault anyway!

0:27:560:27:59

I'm the one that choose to watch Marley And Me on Blu-ray

0:27:590:28:01

right before I left the hotel.

0:28:010:28:03

And it's even more sad in high def.

0:28:050:28:07

1080. Even though I know what was going to happen,

0:28:080:28:10

it was still even more sad. Have you seen Marley And Me, sir?

0:28:100:28:13

You haven't seen it? Well, you'd better brace yourself emotionally.

0:28:130:28:16

Because it is very sad.

0:28:170:28:19

I'm not going to ruin it, but just be prepared.

0:28:190:28:21

I don't know if you know, but the sequel's just called Me.

0:28:220:28:25

Just be careful.

0:28:270:28:29

That's it from me, thank you very much.

0:28:290:28:31

CHEERING Thank you.

0:28:310:28:33

Give it up for Arj Barker!

0:28:380:28:40

CHEERING

0:28:400:28:43

You've been such an amazing crowd, thanks ever so much for coming.

0:28:430:28:47

Please give it up for the people you've seen tonight, Tom Allen,

0:28:470:28:49

Arj Barker, and I've been Sarah Millican. Goodnight!

0:28:490:28:52

CHEERING

0:28:520:28:54

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. In the first episode, the fabulously funny Sarah Millican is host, introducing rising comedy star Tom Allen and US comedian Arj Barker to the stage.


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