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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, | 0:00:19 | 0:00:24 | |
Al Murray, the Pub Landlord! | 0:00:24 | 0:00:28 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
Whoa! | 0:00:30 | 0:00:32 | |
Yeah! | 0:00:32 | 0:00:35 | |
Come on, come and shake my hand! | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
Shake my hand... | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
Come and shake my hand. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
Shake my hand! | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
God bless ya! Fantastic. Whoa! | 0:00:45 | 0:00:51 | |
Yes! CHEERING | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
Let's hear it for the beer! CHEERING | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
All hail to the ale! CHEERING | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
And welcome the wine for the ladies. Good evening. Eh? | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
Look at you, beautiful British audience of beautiful British people. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:07 | |
Look at this front row, does it get any better than this, hey? | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
The lad on the end with the training shoes, and a hoodie top on there. What's your name, son? | 0:01:10 | 0:01:15 | |
-Doug. -Doug, beautiful British name. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
So what do you do, Doug, post offices, mainly? Get it? | 0:01:18 | 0:01:22 | |
Is this your missus, Doug? Congratulations, mate. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:30 | |
May I say... What's your name, darling? | 0:01:30 | 0:01:33 | |
-Sarah. -Beautiful British name, Doug and Sarah, that's respectable, innit? That's normal, innit? Doug | 0:01:33 | 0:01:38 | |
and Sarah invite you over for cheesy dippers. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:42 | |
Sunday afternoon cheesy dippers, Doug and Sarah. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:47 | |
May I say, right now, mate, you are batting well above your average there, sir. If only... If only... | 0:01:47 | 0:01:53 | |
If only you played cricket for England, my friend. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
Imagine! Tell me, Sarah, what do you do for a living, darling? Bearing in mind the correct answer for a woman | 0:01:56 | 0:02:02 | |
-is of course, secretarial nurse. What d'you do, my love? -Research. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:06 | |
Research? | 0:02:06 | 0:02:07 | |
Secretary, good girl. Fantastic. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:08 | |
Look at these Herberts on the end in their suits, eh? | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
-Fantastic! In the purple, what's your name, squire? -James. -James? | 0:02:13 | 0:02:18 | |
IN POSH VOICE: Bloody marvellous, James! Ja-a-a-a-ames! | 0:02:18 | 0:02:23 | |
How are you, all right, Ja-a-a-a-ames?! | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
But you can call me the J-Star! | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
-What you do, James, for a living, squire? -Investment manager. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
Investment manager! Bloody fantastic! One day, I'm gonna give it all up | 0:02:32 | 0:02:38 | |
and set up a juice bar, it's gonna be bloody brilliant. Ya! | 0:02:38 | 0:02:43 | |
It's Daddy's bank, I don't know what we're doing. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:47 | |
This your best mate sat with you? | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
-Partner, actually. -Partner. Oh, right. Oh, bloody hell, that's my bloody partner! | 0:02:49 | 0:02:53 | |
You should... By that, what d'you mean, exactly? | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
I mean, purple shirt and a partner, you're giving yourself clues here, aren't you, James? | 0:03:02 | 0:03:06 | |
Public school? Mmm? Yeah? | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
-Is that why it costs extra? What's your name, pal? -Dan. -Dan. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
James and Da-a-a-a-an! | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
James and Dan's groovy investment shop, we're out of business now. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
The market's collapsed. Now, the point is this... | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
-Nice to meet you, Danny, what's your job title, Danny? Tell us. -I'm a tax accountant. -Tax accountant! | 0:03:23 | 0:03:29 | |
AUDIENCE: Ooh! | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
They say that ignorance leads to hatred, don't they? | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
Well, on this occasion, it's knowledge. Now we know what you do, we don't like you, do we, pal? | 0:03:34 | 0:03:39 | |
Who here likes paying tax...? No-one! Think again, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:45 | |
Think again. Income tax was invented for one thing. Back in the 1790s, | 0:03:45 | 0:03:49 | |
it was invented to pay for a war against the French. Yeah. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:53 | |
You see, you like it now, don't ya? | 0:03:53 | 0:03:57 | |
It's worth still paying. How about another war with the French, hey? | 0:03:57 | 0:04:01 | |
Shut down a few universities, start the long-range shelling of Lyons. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:05 | |
Now... | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
There's a whole five... Look at this, five women. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
That's fantastic, that's an entire week's worth. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:14 | |
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
Friday. Look at this, fantastic! Monday, what's your name, darling? | 0:04:16 | 0:04:21 | |
LAUGHTER What's your name, my sweet? | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
-Amy. -Amy, beautiful British name, comes from the ancient Celtic name meaning "loose," of course. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:29 | |
You didn't know that. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
What do you do, Ames? | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
-Investment management. -Investment management? Woo! | 0:04:35 | 0:04:39 | |
Secretary, with a copy of The Economist. Sat next to you... | 0:04:39 | 0:04:43 | |
-Tuesday, what's your name, love? -Louise. -Loui-i-i-ise! | 0:04:43 | 0:04:48 | |
Beautiful British name meaning, "born on a council estate." Yeah. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:53 | |
You can hear it now, can't you? The bloke stood next to the burning car. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:57 | |
"Come back, Louise! | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
"I don't care about the other bloke's baby!" Now, tell me... | 0:05:00 | 0:05:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:04 | 0:05:08 | |
Some people will do anything to get a flat. Tell me, Louise... | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
-..what you do for a living, darling? -I'm an office manager. -Office manager. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:17 | |
Secretary. Yeah. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Stop mucking about! Wednesday, what's your name, love? | 0:05:19 | 0:05:24 | |
-Jen. -Jen. Beautiful British name. What d'you do, Jen? | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
-PA. -PA. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:28 | |
Yeah, secretary. Yeah... Just cos it takes less typing! | 0:05:28 | 0:05:32 | |
All you've proved there is you're a lazy secretary, | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
who doesn't know how to spell secretary, just goes... | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
Hello... Huh? | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
PA... Hu-huh! What? | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
Is that you, Louise? LAUGHTER | 0:05:45 | 0:05:49 | |
-Thursday, what's your name, love? -Jane. -Jane, | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
-beautiful British name, what do you do, Jane? -I'm a document controller. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:56 | |
A document controller! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:05:56 | 0:06:02 | |
A secretary! | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
Or nowadays, in broken Britain, a nurse. Yeah, exactly, they're too busy filing, aren't they, | 0:06:06 | 0:06:11 | |
-to take care of any patients in broken Britain? On the end, Friday, what's your name, love? -Elizabeth. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:16 | |
-Eh? -Elizabeth. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
Elizabeth! Ooh! That's more like it. Elizabeth! | 0:06:18 | 0:06:22 | |
Hey, we've worked our way up, haven't we? All the way up. From the gutter, let's face it! | 0:06:22 | 0:06:27 | |
Let's not muck about 'ere. And what do you do, Lizzie? | 0:06:27 | 0:06:31 | |
Betty. What d'you do, Liza? What d'you do, Elizabeth? | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
-What d'you do, sweets? -Document controller. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
A document controller? Consider your answer again, bearing in mind the four previous wrong answers. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:42 | |
What d'you do for a living, Elizabeth? | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
You're a secretary? Good girl, fantastic. How about that, hey? | 0:06:46 | 0:06:51 | |
Good girl. Eh, it's such a privilege, we've got one of the big stars on one of the biggest shows on TV, | 0:06:51 | 0:06:58 | |
from Strictly Come Dancing, it's Brendan Cole, ladies and gentlemen! How about that, eh? | 0:06:58 | 0:07:02 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:07:02 | 0:07:04 | |
It's easy, innit? It's easy. You're from New Zealand, of course, aren't you? | 0:07:16 | 0:07:21 | |
He's from New Zealand, how about that? He's from New Zealand. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
He had to leave, of course, he didn't fit in with the other orcs. Now... | 0:07:24 | 0:07:29 | |
"Mr Frodo, my sword is turning pink, I think there's a ballroom dancer coming!" | 0:07:29 | 0:07:34 | |
Now, the point is... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:07:34 | 0:07:38 | |
You're beautiful people, this is a beautiful country. Great Britain, greatest country in the world! | 0:07:40 | 0:07:45 | |
Inhabited by the most sensible, normal, down-to-earth people. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:49 | |
But it's currently broken. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
And I think we can fix broken Britain with a couple of simple measures. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:56 | |
Dead simple, what we need to do...RIGHT NOW... | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
in Great Britain is bring back shame. Yep. We live in a shameless age. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:05 | |
We've got schoolchildren dressed as hookers... | 0:08:05 | 0:08:09 | |
and hookers dressed as schoolchildren! Hey? | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
We don't know whether to carry sweets or money, it's a nightmare. Now, the point is... | 0:08:13 | 0:08:19 | |
Desperate times, desperate measures! The point is, | 0:08:19 | 0:08:23 | |
we need to bring back shame. I mean, look at these two. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:27 | |
"What? | 0:08:27 | 0:08:28 | |
"Does he mean me, Danny?" Yeah! In the city there, ripping us off, | 0:08:28 | 0:08:33 | |
sucking money out of the Government's already empty bloody buckets. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:38 | |
"Oh, bloody brilliant. Fantastic! I hope he doesn't have a go." Yeah. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:43 | |
I reckon if we were to raise our shaming fingers of shame right now, together, all together, | 0:08:43 | 0:08:48 | |
and say, "Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards..." | 0:08:48 | 0:08:52 | |
If we, the decent, ordinary sensible people of Great Britain, the normal people of Great Britain, | 0:08:52 | 0:08:59 | |
not you, Craig Revel Horwood, you're not in this bit. If we, the normal... | 0:08:59 | 0:09:03 | |
people of Great Britain, were to raise our fingers and say, "Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards," | 0:09:03 | 0:09:08 | |
-then maybe we could start to turn Great Britain round. You up for this? -Yeah! | 0:09:08 | 0:09:12 | |
Raise your shaming fingers of shame, everybody. All raise your fingers... Yeah, not you two. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:17 | |
Raise the shaming fingers of shame. Altogether, "Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards!" | 0:09:19 | 0:09:24 | |
Here we go, one, two, three... | 0:09:24 | 0:09:26 | |
Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards! | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards! | 0:09:29 | 0:09:33 | |
Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards! | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
How about that? Give yourselves a round of applause. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
Ah! | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
-Doesn't that feel good? We need to bring back shame, are we agreed on that? -Yeah. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:48 | |
And the way we can bring back shame is one simple thing, we need to bring back a sense of consequences | 0:09:48 | 0:09:53 | |
for our actions. In this world, there are no more consequences for actions. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:57 | |
And what I'm talking about, if there's no consequences in this life, | 0:09:57 | 0:10:01 | |
what we need to do is bring back to Britain the simple sense of hell, the idea, if we screw up in this life, | 0:10:01 | 0:10:07 | |
we will burn in sulphur for all eternity in the next life. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:12 | |
Now, this is quite a tough sell. Right? | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
You don't like that idea, do you? | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
Hear me out, this is a good idea, have we got any Christians present? | 0:10:17 | 0:10:21 | |
I need your assistance. Any Christian people here this evening? Yeah? | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
In the pink shirt. What's your name, son? | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
-Josh. -Josh, fantastic! | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
-Are you a Christian? -I am. -So you understand the idea of redemption, eternity... Yeah? | 0:10:28 | 0:10:35 | |
Resurrection? Eternity, in particular. And I do, too. I understand the notion of eternity. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:39 | |
Cos I went to church on Sunday. And let me tell you this - that service went on forever! Right... | 0:10:39 | 0:10:44 | |
If it took me an hour to open a bottle of wine, I'd be drummed out of business. The point is this... | 0:10:44 | 0:10:50 | |
How long does it take to open a packet of crisps? Get on with it! | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
Now... The problem with the idea of hell is, no-one's frightened of it. | 0:10:56 | 0:11:01 | |
I'm gonna describe hell for you, and none of you are gonna bat an eyelid, right? Bodies boiling in... | 0:11:01 | 0:11:06 | |
Mouldering in the grave. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
We'll take your soul and boil it in boiling oil for 1,000 millennium. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
After that, two selfish demons, Satan himself, will come along, | 0:11:11 | 0:11:15 | |
pull out your kidneys and set fire to them on the red hot coals of hell itself. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
After this, another demon will come along, pull out your eyeballs, stick them on a red hot poker, | 0:11:18 | 0:11:22 | |
burn them on the hot coals of hell, stick them up your arsehole | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
and they'll come out of your own mouth with your shit on it. And this will go on forever. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:28 | |
See, you're not bothered by that, are you? In fact, | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
most of you are laughing at it. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
In fact, most of us, being British, are thinking, "Well, come on, then! | 0:11:35 | 0:11:39 | |
"Call yourself the devil?!" | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
And that's the interesting thing about hell, innit? | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
When you describe it, when someone describes hell, | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
it tells you everything you need to know about that person, | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
what he's like and what his people are like. I described hell in a normal British accent, | 0:11:52 | 0:11:56 | |
which tells you that we the British are stoic, | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
tough people, who can take absolutely bloody anything. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:01 | |
And that's the interesting thing about hell, it tells you about the people telling you about it. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:05 | |
Hell, in a French accent, for instance, | 0:12:05 | 0:12:09 | |
sounds like a recipe. Right? And while ze body's lying down, | 0:12:09 | 0:12:14 | |
ze worms inside ze flesh will take out ze soul | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
and place it in very 'ot oil for a long time! | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
Zen, once it is tender, two demons come together, remove ze kidneys | 0:12:20 | 0:12:24 | |
and place zem on ze 'ot coals with white wine vinegar, some sea salt, | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
rosemary and cook zem till zey are brown on the outside but still pink in ze middle. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:32 | |
We take ze eyeballs, place zem on the hot coals, cook until zey are crunchy on ze outside, | 0:12:32 | 0:12:36 | |
runny in ze middle, on ze hot poker, stick them up ze arse, | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
zey come out of the mouth with ze shit on, it is delicieux. Absolutely magnifique! | 0:12:39 | 0:12:43 | |
APPLAUSE You see? | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
Perverts! | 0:12:45 | 0:12:46 | |
Perverts, basically. Yeah? | 0:12:49 | 0:12:50 | |
Hell... | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
Hell, in a Dutch accent, sounds like a pretty good stag do, dunnit? | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
MIMICKING DUTCH ACCENT: Hey, and while your body's lying down... | 0:12:58 | 0:13:02 | |
we'll take you to the hottest place you could imagine. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
Imagine the hottest place you can go, yeah? Now go even hotter. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:11 | |
Two demons will come together and rub oil all over your body. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:15 | |
Two demons together, two demons together at once, and then you'll take out your kidneys. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:21 | |
Oh, hot kidneys! Place the kidneys in a hot place and cook the kidneys till they're hard, | 0:13:21 | 0:13:28 | |
until your kidneys are hard, and then take out your eyeballs and stick them in your bum hole, | 0:13:28 | 0:13:32 | |
and it'll cost you 45 euros... Hey, are we ready? | 0:13:32 | 0:13:37 | |
Sounds like an agreeable weekend. APPLAUSE | 0:13:37 | 0:13:42 | |
There's one group of people... | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
who understand hell, of whom I think Great Britain, broken Britain, could learn a lesson. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:50 | |
This is why I have faith in Gordon Brown. I am talking about | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
Her Majesty's loyal and noble subjects - the Scots. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
We've got some Jocks in... Where are you? Show of hands... Fantastic. | 0:13:55 | 0:14:00 | |
A Scotsman there, a Scotsman up there. The fellow in a Superman shirt... What's your name, son? | 0:14:00 | 0:14:04 | |
- Ian. - Ian! | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
Beautiful. Beautiful British name. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
Comes from the ancient Celtic name meaning "subject of the English." | 0:14:08 | 0:14:12 | |
Tell me, where are you from in Scotland, sir? | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
-Edinburgh. -So you have a keen understanding of the notion of hell? | 0:14:15 | 0:14:19 | |
Now, the thing is, | 0:14:19 | 0:14:22 | |
I love you Jocks, you're beautiful people, because you work hard, you play hard, you get stuck in. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:28 | |
-Don't ya? -Yeah. -You live your lives to the full. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
The reason for this is Scottish people understand the precise meaning of hell. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:35 | |
Right, they understand the notion of eternal damnation for one simple reason. Cos hell in a Scottish accent | 0:14:35 | 0:14:41 | |
is the most terrifying thing you'll ever clap ears on without a shadow of a doubt. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:48 | |
SCOTTISH ACCENT: And while your body is smouldering in the grave | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
and the worms are eating your FLESH, your soul will be taken to a place | 0:14:51 | 0:14:56 | |
of eternal damnation and burn in boiling oil for a thousand years | 0:14:56 | 0:15:02 | |
and then...and then... and then...two sulphurous demons, emissaries of Satan himself, | 0:15:02 | 0:15:07 | |
Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies, will come and they'll pull out your kidneys, | 0:15:07 | 0:15:11 | |
they'll pull out your kidneys, one by one they'll pull out your kidneys, and then take those | 0:15:11 | 0:15:16 | |
kidneys and they'll place them on the red-hot coals of hell itself, and burn, burn, BURN those kidneys! | 0:15:16 | 0:15:23 | |
Burn those kidneys till they're black, and they'll take out your eyeballs. Aye! | 0:15:24 | 0:15:29 | |
They'll take out your eyeballs. One by one, out come the eyeballs. Pop! Pop | 0:15:29 | 0:15:34 | |
go the eyeballs and they'll place them on a red-hot poker, and they'll | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
take that red-hot poker and your eyeballs and they'll shove it up your tiny, wee, shitting arsehole from | 0:15:37 | 0:15:44 | |
whence your shite came, and this will go on forever and ever! | 0:15:44 | 0:15:49 | |
I think that... | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
pretty much... | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
That pretty much explains the Jocks. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
Now, we've got a fabulous show for you tonight. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:03 | |
We've fixed broken Britain. Let's get on with having a laugh. How about that? Eh, ladies and gentlemen? | 0:16:03 | 0:16:09 | |
We've got a fabulous comedian now. It gives me very great pleasure, and it will give you equal pleasure, | 0:16:09 | 0:16:14 | |
to welcome to the stage now Miss Shappi Khorsandi! | 0:16:14 | 0:16:18 | |
MUSIC: "I Don't Feel Like Dancin' " by Scissor Sisters | 0:16:18 | 0:16:22 | |
Hello! | 0:16:33 | 0:16:34 | |
-ALL: -Whoo! -Look at you. This is lovely. This is like one of my family weddings. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:40 | |
But a slightly different colour. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:43 | |
The Apollo. It makes a difference from the usual gigs I play. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:47 | |
Normally I play the kind of comedy clubs that, when I come on stage, men look at me and go, "Hang on a minute. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:52 | |
"There's a bird on the stage." | 0:16:52 | 0:16:53 | |
I have to explain to them some of us get on a stage now without a pole. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:58 | |
And sometimes I get wolf-whistles, which is lovely. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:03 | |
I never used to get that when I was a bloke. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
Well, my name is Shappi, and Shappi isn't my real name. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
It's just a nickname. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
It's short for Shaparak. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:14 | |
I changed it to Shappi when I was 12. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
I got sick of being called "Shit- Attack". | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
Teachers are so cruel. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
And my mum always used to say to me... STRONG ACCENT: "But you know..." She's foreign. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:30 | |
"..Shaparak, it means 'butterfly' in Persian." | 0:17:30 | 0:17:35 | |
I looked up in a Persian dictionary. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
It actually means "moth". | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
It's a bit insensitive putting all these lights up around me if I'm honest with you. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:43 | |
It is. It's like dissing my culture. Do you get me? | 0:17:43 | 0:17:48 | |
That was me being "street". | 0:17:48 | 0:17:51 | |
It doesn't suit me, does it, cos I'm quite Blue Peter? | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
When you have a really foreign name, you have to shorten it | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
so people pronounce it better, so I shortened Shaparak to Shappi. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:04 | |
I went to school with a guy called Mir Abdul-Barkee, and he shortened his name to Jim. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:09 | |
I have a cousin called Muhammad, and he's had to change his name to "It Wasn't Me". | 0:18:11 | 0:18:16 | |
I am from the Middle East. I'm actually Iranian. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
I was born in Iran, and a lot of American people still don't know the difference between | 0:18:21 | 0:18:27 | |
Iran and Iraq, and I always have to explain to them we're the ones WITH weapons of mass destruction. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:33 | |
I don't know if I would have turned out a stand-up comedian in Iran cos, | 0:18:40 | 0:18:45 | |
as you know, the Iranian government advocate free speech, | 0:18:45 | 0:18:50 | |
but there's no freedom after you've spoken. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
It gets a bit deathy. | 0:18:55 | 0:18:58 | |
So I came to Britain in the early '80s. We were refugees, long before it became fashionable. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:08 | |
But my favourite immigrants are Polish people | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
because they properly confuse old-fashioned racists. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:16 | |
Have you seen them? They don't know what to do. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
"What do we say? They're immigrants, but they're white!" | 0:19:18 | 0:19:22 | |
I heard this one bloke go... AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Bloody Poles, | 0:19:23 | 0:19:27 | |
"coming over here, with their work ethic!" | 0:19:27 | 0:19:30 | |
Which isn't very politically correct, and I am. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:34 | |
I try so hard to be PC. Sometimes I take it too far. I was at a party recently, | 0:19:34 | 0:19:38 | |
and I said to my friend, "Have you met Steve? | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
"He's a really nice guy." My friend goes, "Which one's Steve?" | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
Steve was the only black guy in the room. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
I found myself going, "Steve, he's over there. He's got blue jeans on, a grey T-shirt, sort of curly hair... | 0:19:46 | 0:19:53 | |
"and a Nigerian accent." | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
And once I was performing at a comedy club and there were two black guys in the front row, like you two. But men | 0:19:57 | 0:20:04 | |
and black. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
You are a man, sir, I'm sorry. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
It's the light. I said to them, "So, how do you two know each other?" | 0:20:09 | 0:20:13 | |
They looked at each other and went, "We don't." | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
Might as well have had "NF" tattooed on my forehead. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:22 | |
I didn't, it was felt-tip. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
I like friendly... A little bit of friendly racism is nice. When I was a little girl | 0:20:24 | 0:20:29 | |
I used to always used to go to my friend Katie's house. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
And every time her dad opened the door he'd go, "Hello, Shappi, been on holiday?" | 0:20:32 | 0:20:37 | |
So, em...I have a little boy. I have a baby boy, I'm a mum. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:44 | |
And I'm looking at you, some of you are so young. I could be your mummy... | 0:20:44 | 0:20:48 | |
if I lived somewhere rural. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
Like a lot of women, I got to my 30s and thought, "I've got to have a baby now! | 0:20:52 | 0:20:57 | |
"While my mum's still young enough to look after it for me." | 0:20:57 | 0:21:01 | |
And I went to all the antenatal classes. And this woman came up to me, one of the other mums, and goes, | 0:21:01 | 0:21:06 | |
"Oh, how are you planning on losing your baby weight?" | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
I was like, "Well, I was just thinking of having the child." | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
And she was like, "Oh, I'm going to be a yummy mummy." | 0:21:12 | 0:21:16 | |
"Yummy mummy" that's just like a middle-class way of saying MILF. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:20 | |
I was so happy when I found out that I was pregnant. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:26 | |
We had a scan. We knew it was a boy. People said, "Why did you find out the sex of your baby? | 0:21:26 | 0:21:30 | |
"Didn't you want a surprise?" Well, it's going to be a boy or a girl, d'you know what I mean? | 0:21:30 | 0:21:35 | |
The only surprise would have been if it was a puppy. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
And there are no puppies in my family. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:44 | |
There's one goat - it's not a blood relation. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:48 | |
Thank goodness I have a child. It was no fun being a broody Iranian woman. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:52 | |
Every time I said to people, "My body clock's ticking," they'd hit the ground. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:56 | |
There was all that going on. When I did find out I was pregnant, I was so delighted. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:08 | |
I thought, "I am going to fill this child's life up with love, hope and understanding." | 0:22:08 | 0:22:14 | |
My husband's reaction was slightly different. He walked around going, "Woo-hoo! My soldiers worked!" | 0:22:14 | 0:22:20 | |
"Easy! Easy!" It's not his. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:24 | |
Oh, the fuss he made when he found out I was cheating on him. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:33 | |
Only child. Can't share. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:36 | |
My husband's English, from Nottingham, and a lot of people ask me if my husband's Iranian. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:42 | |
And I go, "Well, he's not, he's English. But he's planning to convert." | 0:22:42 | 0:22:47 | |
His family are lovely. When they met me, they kept going, "Oh, Shappi's so exotic. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:51 | |
"She's so exotic." Which means "foreign", but not in a way that we hate. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:55 | |
And his grandma is especially sweet. When she found out that I was Iranian she goes, "Oh, you're Iranian? | 0:22:55 | 0:23:02 | |
"What a coincidence. Our next-door neighbours, they're Indian." | 0:23:02 | 0:23:06 | |
I must go round, compare spices. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:14 | |
I'm actually going on holiday to India next month. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
I wanted to know what the weather was going to be like there, so I phoned my bank. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:23 | |
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
I am bilingual. I speak fluent Persian. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
If you're bilingual, you use your other language to talk about people so they don't understand. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:40 | |
But we mix our languages so much, we don't realise we're doing it, which defeats the whole object. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:46 | |
The amount of times I've been out with my mum and she goes... | 0:23:46 | 0:23:50 | |
SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE "..with the red coat." | 0:23:50 | 0:23:52 | |
SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE "..fatty." | 0:23:54 | 0:23:57 | |
So, my mother-in-law asked me, soon after | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
my son was born, my mother-in-law asked me, "So, Shappi, are you going to have your son circumcised?" | 0:24:01 | 0:24:07 | |
And I was like, "Well, not unless he's REALLY naughty." | 0:24:07 | 0:24:11 | |
I went to a Christian school. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
But this was in the '80s, so they didn't call them | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
"Christian schools" then, they just called them "school". | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
We used to have nativity plays and I always wanted to play an angel. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:24 | |
But, as my teachers explained to me, "No, Shit-Attack. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:28 | |
"Little blonde girls are angels. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
"Little brown girls are the whores of Babylon." | 0:24:32 | 0:24:36 | |
It was all very Christian. In fact, I went to Brownies as well, which is a Christian organisation. | 0:24:41 | 0:24:46 | |
But my parents sent me cos they thought it was an after-school club for Asian kids. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:50 | |
My secondary school was very different. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:00 | |
I went to a big state comprehensive, where the motto was... SHE SPEAKS IN LATIN | 0:25:00 | 0:25:04 | |
Which translates as, "Try not to get stabbed, yeah?" | 0:25:04 | 0:25:08 | |
It was very difficult, and the boys didn't pay any attention to me until I was about 15 or 16. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:15 | |
But then only the Asian guys came up to me and went, "What are you? | 0:25:15 | 0:25:19 | |
"What are you?" | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
I'm like... POSH ACCENT: "Why, I do believe I'm human." | 0:25:21 | 0:25:24 | |
"No, no, no, are you Hindu, are you Muslim, are you Sikh, what are you?" | 0:25:24 | 0:25:28 | |
They were very devout boys. They wanted to check you were the same religion as them | 0:25:28 | 0:25:32 | |
before they tried to finger you behind the bike shed. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
I grew up in West London, but I lived in Brixton for a long time. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:41 | |
Brixton's brilliant. It's one of those places... CHEERING | 0:25:41 | 0:25:45 | |
Hey! I love it. You feel like a movie star coming out of Brixton underground station | 0:25:45 | 0:25:49 | |
because of all of the CCTV cameras. | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
I just go there for fun on a Sunday in a backless dress and go... | 0:25:52 | 0:25:56 | |
And there's all these people outside going, "Shappi! Shappi! Over here!" They're not really. | 0:25:57 | 0:26:02 | |
They are going, "Hash, hash. Crack, crack. Skunk, skunk. Hash, hash." | 0:26:02 | 0:26:07 | |
And like most Londoners, I ignore drug dealers unless I need something. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:13 | |
I'm kidding, I've only ever taken cocaine once. | 0:26:13 | 0:26:16 | |
Horrible drug. I ended up walking around this party talking really loudly about myself all night long. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:22 | |
It had no effect on me at all! | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
But my mother doesn't have that sort of street-smarts about her. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:31 | |
When she came to visit me in Brixton, she got to my house with an eighth and a receipt. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:35 | |
The younger generation is very different. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:38 | |
I have a sister and a brother. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
They're twins, and 13 years younger than me cos my mother had a menopause panic. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:45 | |
My little sister said to me recently, "Isn't that really weird? Cos, like, | 0:26:45 | 0:26:49 | |
"we're sisters and we both live in London, but I never see you." That's cos of the way you talk! | 0:26:49 | 0:26:55 | |
Different generations... and different dads. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:59 | |
And my little sister, she thinks she's a bit ghetto, do you get me? | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
She comes out with stuff like, "You don't know what it's like on the street." | 0:27:04 | 0:27:08 | |
And I'm like, "It's a bit parky." | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
And she's like, "Shap, Shap, don't tell no-one you saw me, yeah? | 0:27:10 | 0:27:13 | |
"Don't tell no-one you saw me. Cos I got people after me. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:17 | |
"I got people after me." Yes, Ealing library. | 0:27:17 | 0:27:21 | |
And just one final thing before I go, my little sister got me on Facebook, cos I was on MySpace. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:28 | |
And she goes, "No, no, no! You don't want to be on MySpace. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
"You want to be on Facebook." | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
So I joined both, but I keep muddling them up and I keep inviting people to come on MyFace. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:38 | 0:27:40 | |
Still, 80,000 friends... You've been delightful, thank you. | 0:27:40 | 0:27:46 | |
CHEERING | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
Shappi Khorsandi, there, ladies and gentlemen. How about that?! | 0:27:56 | 0:28:00 | |
We're gonna keep it moving, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:28:04 | 0:28:07 | |
We've a fantastic young man joining us now. Please, build up your applause... | 0:28:07 | 0:28:11 | |
APPLAUSE ..as we welcome to the stage | 0:28:11 | 0:28:14 | |
my favourite stand-up and yours, it's Mr Russell Kane, ladies and gentlemen! | 0:28:14 | 0:28:18 | |
CHEERING, APPLAUSE | 0:28:18 | 0:28:21 | |
-Good evening, Hammersmith! Are you all right? AUDIENCE: -Yeah! | 0:28:33 | 0:28:36 | |
I feel like I've been released. It's a day up in London for. I'm from Southend. Any Essex folk? | 0:28:36 | 0:28:41 | |
CHEERING Loads! Look at all the girls. | 0:28:41 | 0:28:43 | |
"I'll have a Bacardi Breezer when you're finished, Dave." | 0:28:43 | 0:28:47 | |
Put me against the skip - show me you love me!" | 0:28:47 | 0:28:50 | |
That's the thing, everyone in Essex, they won't be taking offence. | 0:28:52 | 0:28:56 | |
They'll be going, "He's right. We hate ourselves. Hate us, too!" British people bond on a negative. | 0:28:56 | 0:29:01 | |
I loved watching you lot arrive. I was milling out there. | 0:29:01 | 0:29:05 | |
I wasn't backstage, I was observing you. How you all bond. | 0:29:05 | 0:29:08 | |
Nearly everyone I bumped into, even if they were having a great night, had a moan about something. | 0:29:08 | 0:29:14 | |
And our American and Kiwi friends say, "Why do they have to be so negative?" | 0:29:14 | 0:29:17 | |
You and I both know we get a little buzz that rushes up our spine when we moan. | 0:29:17 | 0:29:22 | |
We get pleasure from it. It actually makes us feel good. | 0:29:22 | 0:29:25 | |
A little shot of serotonin goes up when we go, "It's a bit shit, isn't it?" Ding! It's great! | 0:29:25 | 0:29:31 | |
The smallest unit of British communication resolves in a positive even though it's a negative. | 0:29:31 | 0:29:35 | |
Smallest unit, "How was your day?" "Shit! My day was shit!" | 0:29:35 | 0:29:38 | |
"Let's go to the pub." Happiness! | 0:29:38 | 0:29:40 | |
Smallest unit of American communication. "How was your day?" | 0:29:42 | 0:29:45 | |
"Great! My day was great! Let's go to the bar! After I've had a workout!" | 0:29:45 | 0:29:47 | |
The further you get down that archetypal British continuum, the more miserable the men are. | 0:29:54 | 0:29:59 | |
I can see some of them in their room, the white, hard, right-wing, working-class dad. | 0:29:59 | 0:30:03 | |
My dad's Cockney head is so severe he sprained it when he was giving me a bollocking. | 0:30:03 | 0:30:07 | |
"Why can't you just be racist?! Why do you have to let the family down?!" | 0:30:07 | 0:30:12 | |
He can climb the stairs with the traction of it. | 0:30:13 | 0:30:16 | |
"You better not be reading up there, you freak!" | 0:30:16 | 0:30:19 | |
And they can't be positive, can they? | 0:30:21 | 0:30:23 | |
What is it? There'll be guys in the room that grew up with that dad. | 0:30:23 | 0:30:26 | |
"I want to tell him my love him, but I can't be positive, it's like my trachea just closes up, Julie." | 0:30:26 | 0:30:30 | |
"Just tell him you're proud of him." "I can't, I want to tell him he's shit and make him stronger!" | 0:30:30 | 0:30:35 | |
At my age I should be over it, but I'm still looking for it, | 0:30:35 | 0:30:38 | |
and my mum knew I was coming on stage tonight, she went, | 0:30:38 | 0:30:41 | |
"Don't do that stuff about your dad not being proud of you. | 0:30:41 | 0:30:44 | |
"Cos it's not true, he's very proud of you - in private." | 0:30:44 | 0:30:48 | |
In private! | 0:30:48 | 0:30:50 | |
What kind of an emotional retard goes into a private chamber to express their pride? Huh? | 0:30:50 | 0:30:56 | |
Look, I've got a degree, I wanted some feedback. "Dad, I've got a degree, | 0:30:56 | 0:30:59 | |
"I've got a first-class honours in English." "I'll be in the shed." | 0:30:59 | 0:31:02 | |
He's down there all twisted up, I want to tell him I love him but I can't. | 0:31:04 | 0:31:09 | |
"What are you doing in there, Dad?" "I'm practising my fighting, leave me alone. | 0:31:09 | 0:31:12 | |
"You read Penguin Classics, you're probably gay." | 0:31:12 | 0:31:15 | |
It's the same with how we mate as well. | 0:31:17 | 0:31:19 | |
It's nice being in a relationship, but British people find it incredibly hard. | 0:31:19 | 0:31:23 | |
There'll be British people in this room who's in a relationship, loads of you. | 0:31:23 | 0:31:26 | |
There'll the British people that are single, but there'll be hardly one British couple in the room | 0:31:26 | 0:31:29 | |
that's on a date, a first date. "Shall we go out for a date?" | 0:31:29 | 0:31:33 | |
We don't date, do we? It's impossible, | 0:31:33 | 0:31:34 | |
it involves presenting yourselves as perfect, sober and going, | 0:31:34 | 0:31:38 | |
"Do you want to mate me? I think you do, right?" | 0:31:38 | 0:31:41 | |
We wanna present ourselves on that first date warts and all. | 0:31:41 | 0:31:43 | |
Not warts, that would be... Imagine that on a first date. | 0:31:43 | 0:31:46 | |
"You might wanna get some liquid nitrogen on that big one." | 0:31:46 | 0:31:50 | |
"Either that or a hat." | 0:31:51 | 0:31:54 | |
We don't go on dates. The Kiwis are brilliant, | 0:31:55 | 0:31:57 | |
they'll go for pizzas, they'll go for coffee, they will meet each other, not us. | 0:31:57 | 0:32:01 | |
I'm not talking about seedy one-night sex. | 0:32:01 | 0:32:04 | |
There could be guys in love with a girl, they could be the love of your life, | 0:32:04 | 0:32:08 | |
but you'll still have to wait until we're hammered enough to present ourselves warts and all, right? | 0:32:08 | 0:32:12 | |
You'll be at an office party looking at her, you just keep drinking and drinking until you're numb enough | 0:32:12 | 0:32:15 | |
just to wander over to her and go, "I don't care what it is, I just want to shove something up you." | 0:32:15 | 0:32:21 | |
And like when I was abroad, I'm not doing that anti-American material, I admired it. | 0:32:24 | 0:32:28 | |
The American men, wouldn't you kill for a slice of their confidence? | 0:32:28 | 0:32:31 | |
"If I like a girl, I just ask her out, even if it's lunchtime." What are you doing, you dick?! Eugh! | 0:32:31 | 0:32:39 | |
These guys...George and Hannah, I was doing something in New York, they'd known each other for two days. | 0:32:39 | 0:32:44 | |
You know when you see a spark between a couple and it's all cute and everything? | 0:32:44 | 0:32:47 | |
British people do nothing about it till we're sambuca'ed up and we can get onto it, right? | 0:32:47 | 0:32:50 | |
"Light mine, I'm going in!" | 0:32:50 | 0:32:53 | |
And George was like, "I really think Hannah's hot," | 0:32:53 | 0:32:56 | |
and I was like, "Yeah, we'll have to wait until we go to a party." | 0:32:56 | 0:32:58 | |
"No, I'm gonna ask her out right now," and I was like, "What are you doing?!" | 0:32:58 | 0:33:02 | |
This is what happened, it's New York, it's lunchtime, everyone's sober, George walks over to Hannah and | 0:33:02 | 0:33:06 | |
went, "Hey, Hannah, do want to go out on a date on Wednesday, maybe get pizza or something?" | 0:33:06 | 0:33:09 | |
Do you know what she said? Yes! | 0:33:09 | 0:33:11 | |
She said yes! She said, "Yeah, that'd be swell, let's go do that." | 0:33:11 | 0:33:14 | |
She didn't say swell, I made that bit up! | 0:33:14 | 0:33:18 | |
"Let's bring Biff and Scooter and go for malt shakes!" | 0:33:18 | 0:33:22 | |
Could you imagine if one of these British bulldogs in the front row even tried that approach? | 0:33:23 | 0:33:28 | |
Could you imagine? "It's lunchtime, I'm going to ask out Jackie right now. | 0:33:28 | 0:33:31 | |
"Sod it, I'm going to do it. | 0:33:31 | 0:33:33 | |
"Er, Jackie... Jackie... | 0:33:33 | 0:33:36 | |
"Jackie, do you want to go out for a bit of pizza on Wednesday?" | 0:33:36 | 0:33:38 | |
"That's a little bit rapey, back off, I'm sorry." | 0:33:38 | 0:33:41 | |
Isn't it a lovely mixed age range in here? Has anyone else noticed that? | 0:33:47 | 0:33:51 | |
We got some people sort of 14 to 18, "Do some Harry Potter stuff!" | 0:33:51 | 0:33:55 | |
Some of the boys going, "If you even mention Hermione, I'll break you in!" | 0:33:55 | 0:33:58 | |
And then you got some of the older, silver-haired men going, "I don't | 0:33:58 | 0:34:01 | |
laugh, I only come to comedy to watch other people laugh to see how shallow they are, I've never laughed." | 0:34:01 | 0:34:06 | |
If I'm too horrible to old people, they're like, "Well, I've only got about a week to live... Wanker!" | 0:34:06 | 0:34:12 | |
Wouldn't it be great if an old guy took offence and just heckled me by Stannah stairlift? | 0:34:12 | 0:34:17 | |
Vvvv! "You cocky shit!" Vvvv! | 0:34:17 | 0:34:20 | |
"I'll put you in my walk-in bath and mess you up!" | 0:34:20 | 0:34:24 | |
"I'll pelt you with Werthers, how's that for original? | 0:34:24 | 0:34:27 | |
"Do you want some of that?!" | 0:34:27 | 0:34:29 | |
My favourite old person is my nan. If I work in London, I stay at my nan's, | 0:34:35 | 0:34:39 | |
because I used to live there a bit when I wasn't getting on with my dad. | 0:34:39 | 0:34:42 | |
And like she doesn't mind, she likes to see me flawed and faulty like the rest of us, she looks on with pride. | 0:34:42 | 0:34:46 | |
What kind of a country where a grandparent looks on with pride seeing that I'm hammered? | 0:34:46 | 0:34:49 | |
Has anyone ever been drunk enough...and I don't mean done this for a laugh, | 0:34:49 | 0:34:53 | |
I mean genuinely to feel the pleasure of being in the womb and being lifted to bed in a Stannah stairlift? | 0:34:53 | 0:34:58 | |
Needed it, just needed it! | 0:34:58 | 0:35:00 | |
When you're so drunk, it feels so good. | 0:35:00 | 0:35:02 | |
Vvvv! | 0:35:02 | 0:35:04 | |
To actually need to be carried like... | 0:35:04 | 0:35:07 | |
And my nan enjoys watching it, she cracks up. | 0:35:07 | 0:35:09 | |
She gets my granddad Ken out of his disability chair to watch, you know. | 0:35:09 | 0:35:13 | |
You know granddads, pretending nothing's wrong. | 0:35:13 | 0:35:15 | |
"There's nothing wrong with me, I'm absolutely fine. | 0:35:15 | 0:35:18 | |
"I can still drive the D-reg Metro. | 0:35:18 | 0:35:21 | |
"1,000 miles on the clock, no-one knows how." | 0:35:21 | 0:35:25 | |
They gather at the bottom of the stairs to watch me on the border of vomit lifting... | 0:35:25 | 0:35:30 | |
Is there anything more British than two blue-badged disabled pensioners, | 0:35:30 | 0:35:34 | |
arms linked at the bottom of the stairs, | 0:35:34 | 0:35:36 | |
looking on with pride as a perfectly healthy British adult lifts himself to bed? | 0:35:36 | 0:35:41 | |
Vvvv! | 0:35:41 | 0:35:45 | |
"Look at him, Ken, he's mullered!" | 0:35:45 | 0:35:47 | |
My dad, I wish my dad was here watching. | 0:35:51 | 0:35:54 | |
"Never come out of the house, I don't want to be there, I don't like laughter, it makes me feel stupid." | 0:35:54 | 0:35:59 | |
It's one of those dads, everything was provided, wasn't violent, was a big man. | 0:35:59 | 0:36:03 | |
There's nothing explicit I can hang the chips on my shoulder on, | 0:36:03 | 0:36:08 | |
but there'll be women in the audience with men like this, men that just... | 0:36:08 | 0:36:11 | |
The tiniest thing happens and the whole day, a black cloud comes down. | 0:36:11 | 0:36:15 | |
"A traffic jam, kick the sat nav off the window!" | 0:36:15 | 0:36:16 | |
Whole day has gone, that's what my dad was like. | 0:36:16 | 0:36:19 | |
It was like emotional Kryptonite in my childhood. | 0:36:19 | 0:36:22 | |
My tenth birthday, my tenth... I'm over it, again, right? | 0:36:22 | 0:36:26 | |
On my tenth birthday, Pizza Hut, I'd managed to go to Pizza Hut. | 0:36:26 | 0:36:29 | |
I wanted to go...or any other leading brand of pizza restaurant. | 0:36:29 | 0:36:33 | |
Went out for pizza on my tenth birthday. | 0:36:33 | 0:36:35 | |
I spilt half a glass of water, half a glass, my mum's like, "Ah!" | 0:36:35 | 0:36:40 | |
This was my dad's response - "The whole day...is ruined. | 0:36:40 | 0:36:44 | |
"The whole day! The whole day." | 0:36:44 | 0:36:46 | |
My dad's a typical British, shaven-headed working... Right? | 0:36:47 | 0:36:51 | |
The only things that make him happy are being negative and curry. | 0:36:51 | 0:36:54 | |
That is the British... "I like right-wing views, I like Kilroy, and I like a dhansak, right?" | 0:36:55 | 0:37:01 | |
And he was obsessed, he spent my whole childhood unhealthily obsessed | 0:37:01 | 0:37:04 | |
with this restaurant called the Akash in Potters Bar, obsessed with it! | 0:37:04 | 0:37:08 | |
Whether we wanted to celebrate things there or not, we had to go there. | 0:37:08 | 0:37:11 | |
Fifth birthday - Akash, Potters Bar. It was a korma, "Break him in," right? | 0:37:11 | 0:37:15 | |
If my mum got a new cleaning job - Akash, Potters Bar. | 0:37:15 | 0:37:17 | |
My brother's in a talent competition - Akash, Potters Bar. | 0:37:17 | 0:37:19 | |
Everything was in there, it was the only time I saw him smile. | 0:37:19 | 0:37:22 | |
The only time I saw him cry... Has anyone never seen their dad cry apart from like once or twice? | 0:37:22 | 0:37:27 | |
Do you know what I mean, when you see the big silver-backed alpha | 0:37:27 | 0:37:30 | |
just have a tear coming down the black fur on his face? | 0:37:30 | 0:37:33 | |
And it shocks you. | 0:37:36 | 0:37:37 | |
Ironically, when I was younger, I understood it better. | 0:37:37 | 0:37:40 | |
I was eight years old, and my nan on the other side of the family, Eva, the Jewish side, right, she died, | 0:37:40 | 0:37:45 | |
and I came in, and my dad's crying, and although it was shocking to see | 0:37:45 | 0:37:48 | |
this alpha crying, I could just about get my head around it because his own mother had died. | 0:37:48 | 0:37:52 | |
And then nothing again, he's back to just being negative, | 0:37:52 | 0:37:56 | |
I come in from school when I'm 13, and my dad's there, hunched over | 0:37:56 | 0:37:59 | |
his rudimentary stumps on the breakfast bar like... | 0:37:59 | 0:38:02 | |
And this is the image I remember, he cried so much | 0:38:02 | 0:38:06 | |
there was a V of moisture on his blue vest where he'd cried. | 0:38:06 | 0:38:10 | |
and this is a man who I've never moved to tears with anything I've ever danced, sang, said, joked about. | 0:38:10 | 0:38:15 | |
I got hit by car and my dad was there, "Don't cry, boy! Don't cry!" | 0:38:15 | 0:38:18 | |
And he's crying, so can you imagine how shocking it is? | 0:38:18 | 0:38:21 | |
And I'm like, "Dad, what's happened to move you to tears like this?" | 0:38:21 | 0:38:23 | |
And this is what he said - "The Akash...has closed." | 0:38:23 | 0:38:27 | |
I hope I never have daughters, because all my cousins | 0:38:36 | 0:38:39 | |
are passing through that 11 to 15-year-old age range, and it's depressing how suddenly girls change. | 0:38:39 | 0:38:46 | |
I know this is a really outmoded view, but if it was my kid, I'd want a son, so at | 0:38:46 | 0:38:50 | |
least it's a bit gradual until he's 25 and he becomes a man, just carries on and on until he's about 40. | 0:38:50 | 0:38:54 | |
But with a girl, when they're 11, it's like, "I want to sing and dance for my papa, | 0:38:54 | 0:38:57 | |
"all I'm interested in is singing and dancing for you, Daddy, I'm your princess, and nobody else is." | 0:38:57 | 0:39:04 | |
12 years old, "Just about singing and dancing for my papa. | 0:39:04 | 0:39:07 | |
"Look, my Barbies are arranged in age order, I love you, Daddy!" | 0:39:07 | 0:39:11 | |
13, first boyfriend, over the park, chlamydia. It's depressing! | 0:39:11 | 0:39:15 | |
And this is the one that really sticks in my mind. | 0:39:19 | 0:39:22 | |
It was Christmas, and you know sometimes dads, they're a bit rubbish with toddlers, | 0:39:22 | 0:39:26 | |
they don't realise to avoid a negative, you need to be positive. | 0:39:26 | 0:39:28 | |
Has anyone got three to five-year-old children? | 0:39:28 | 0:39:31 | |
It's great, you can decide whether they cry when they injure themselves. | 0:39:31 | 0:39:34 | |
A toddler can run quite quickly into a table and go... | 0:39:34 | 0:39:36 | |
And they'll look to you like that. | 0:39:36 | 0:39:39 | |
As long as you do a dance, they don't cry. | 0:39:39 | 0:39:42 | |
"It's nothing, it's nothing, it's nothing!" There'll be blood, "It's a magic colour!" | 0:39:42 | 0:39:48 | |
Do you think my dad could get his head around this system? | 0:39:49 | 0:39:53 | |
Could he heck! So it's Christmas, my brother's about four, | 0:39:53 | 0:39:55 | |
I'm about seven, we're opening our Christmas presents, smiling. | 0:39:55 | 0:39:59 | |
My dad's in his brown Makro dressing gown, just open, glimpse of scrotum through the dressing gown! | 0:39:59 | 0:40:03 | |
Isn't that disturbing the first time you see it? | 0:40:03 | 0:40:05 | |
"Look at the sac that made you, you're nothing! You're nothing!" | 0:40:05 | 0:40:10 | |
We're opening our Christmas presents, right, and we're not seeing my brother's blue | 0:40:11 | 0:40:16 | |
Burmese kitten, Sophie, that he got a few months earlier for his birthday. | 0:40:16 | 0:40:20 | |
She'd gone behind the Christmas tree, and she was chewing the wires. | 0:40:20 | 0:40:23 | |
You know the way that kittens will chew wire? | 0:40:23 | 0:40:25 | |
And all of a sudden there's, "Eh-eh-boof." | 0:40:25 | 0:40:28 | |
And the Christmas tree lights have blown, and this little kitten | 0:40:28 | 0:40:30 | |
has come out, fat tail, fat fur, looks at us, run out of the living | 0:40:30 | 0:40:33 | |
room, through the kitchen, through the cat-flap and to the bottom of the garden. | 0:40:33 | 0:40:36 | |
My brother looked straight to my dad... | 0:40:36 | 0:40:39 | |
This was his response - "They always run off to die, always." | 0:40:39 | 0:40:44 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Russell Kane, thank you very much, good night! | 0:40:44 | 0:40:49 | |
CHEERING | 0:40:49 | 0:40:51 | |
Top job, mate! Russell Kane there! | 0:40:54 | 0:40:57 | |
Brilliant. | 0:41:02 | 0:41:05 | |
You are beautiful, you are beautiful people, yeah. | 0:41:05 | 0:41:08 | |
Beautiful people, I'd like to...just wrap the evening up. | 0:41:08 | 0:41:11 | |
I just wanna ask you one question, it's a simple question. | 0:41:11 | 0:41:14 | |
Cos we've learnt a great deal this evening, how to fix broken Britain, | 0:41:14 | 0:41:17 | |
all sorts of things, but one question for you intelligent connoisseurs. | 0:41:17 | 0:41:22 | |
It's this, what...is the driving force of human nature? | 0:41:22 | 0:41:26 | |
Any suggestions? Yeah? Tommy Walsh! | 0:41:26 | 0:41:28 | |
The driving force of human nature? | 0:41:28 | 0:41:31 | |
-Love. -Love?! Oh, grow up, you twat! No! | 0:41:31 | 0:41:34 | |
Brendan, what's the driving force of human nature? | 0:41:37 | 0:41:40 | |
-A penis. -A penis? | 0:41:40 | 0:41:42 | |
No, it's the thing in front of you, the penis. | 0:41:45 | 0:41:47 | |
Pulling you forward, mate, it's not driving you anywhere. | 0:41:47 | 0:41:50 | |
You're doing it wrong. | 0:41:50 | 0:41:53 | |
Now, the point is... No! | 0:41:53 | 0:41:56 | |
The driving force of human nature, I'm gonna tell you, that's why I brought it up, right... | 0:41:56 | 0:41:59 | |
The driving force of human nature is necessity. | 0:41:59 | 0:42:02 | |
Yeah? Necessity. We're greedy when we need to be, yeah? | 0:42:02 | 0:42:06 | |
We have a beer when we need to, we use our penis when we need to, Brendan Cole, not just all the time. | 0:42:06 | 0:42:11 | |
Human... Yeah? Human beings are driven by necessity, cos if human beings are just animals, | 0:42:15 | 0:42:20 | |
like the science lot would have us believe, if we are just animals, which animal are we? | 0:42:20 | 0:42:25 | |
We're the inventing animal, the animal that creates things, that invents things. | 0:42:25 | 0:42:28 | |
Necessity is the mother of invention, innit? Yeah? | 0:42:28 | 0:42:32 | |
And I can prove this to you now with one simple example I want you to take away with you tonight. | 0:42:32 | 0:42:36 | |
It's this. On July 25th 1909, | 0:42:36 | 0:42:41 | |
Louis Bleriot | 0:42:41 | 0:42:43 | |
was the first man to fly - from France! - | 0:42:43 | 0:42:46 | |
..to England in a monoplane aircraft of his own manufacture. | 0:42:50 | 0:42:54 | |
And on July 26th 1909, work on the anti-aircraft gun began. | 0:42:54 | 0:42:59 | |
Because necessity...necessity is the mother of invention. | 0:42:59 | 0:43:04 | |
You've been fantastic, it's been a pleasure drinking with you tonight. | 0:43:04 | 0:43:06 | |
You've been watching Live At The Apollo. | 0:43:06 | 0:43:10 | |
A big thank you to our acts this evening, see you again. | 0:43:10 | 0:43:13 | |
Please take your glasses back to the bar. Good night, cheers. | 0:43:13 | 0:43:14 | |
All right, thank you! See you again! God bless! | 0:43:18 | 0:43:22 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:43:35 | 0:43:38 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:43:38 | 0:43:40 |