Episode 4 Live at the Apollo


Episode 4

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Transcript


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MUSIC: "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet

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This programme contains adult humour.

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Ladies and gentlemen...

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please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O'Briain!

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CHEERING

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, how are you?

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Thank you.

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Welcome to another Live At The Apollo. My name is Dara O'Briain.

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We're here for another showcase of some of the finest stand-up talent that the UK has currently working.

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Stand-up, as ever, will be a fantastic collections of moments.

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That's what stand-up does best. Those crazy moments that can't be repeated in any other art form.

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I'll give you an example. I was on tour during the year

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and I was in Derby and there were three guys in the front row.

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Guy there, guy there, guy there.

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I spoke to that guy, as you do. "How are you? What's your name?

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"What do you do?" The man explained to me he was a performance analyst for the Nottingham police force.

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One of those ridiculous modern jobs that nobody knows what it means, right? I said, "Really?"

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I had a bit of a chat, moved on, skipped the guy in the middle

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and went to that guy and said, "What do you do?"

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Your man goes, "I'm a lorry driver

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"but at the weekends I play Robin Hood in a tourist attraction called the Robin Hood Experience."

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So we had a bit of craic at the whole "thwang" element of all of that.

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I was about to move on when I thought, "What am I doing?

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"I've got Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham sitting together in the front row."

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I had a bit of a craic with the two of them and then moved on,

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finished the first half and came back for part two.

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I was just starting to do the part-two stuff when the first bloke, the copper bloke, does this, waving.

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No-one waves at you when you're on stage. There's rarely a situation

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where you have to stop the guy telling the jokes, right?

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He waves at me and I went, "What?"

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He points to the guy in the middle,

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the guy I hadn't even spoken to, and goes, "Ask him his name."

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LAUGHTER

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I'm going, "What the...?" I went to the guy and said, "What's your name?"

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And your man kind of gingerly goes, "Er...it's Arthur Merryman."

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LAUGHTER

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Genuinely, without any setting up, I had Robin Hood,

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the Sheriff of Nottingham and the Merry Men sitting in the front row.

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Who knows if we'll have anything as glorious. We will possibly be having a chat with you.

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They sprinkle these audiences, for some ludicrous reason, with, in MASSIVE quotation marks, some of you,

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"famous faces". MASSIVE in here!

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Coming in here bumping your way up a couple of lists. You're not!

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Get back down to D. LAUGHTER

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There's even a local hero here, James DeGale apparently. Where is he?

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-Good to have you here, James. James, you're a local, aren't you?

-Yeah.

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-You're a Hammersmith boy. Have you got the gold medal on you?

-No.

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No, good man yourself, that's wise.

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It's a bit tacky, you know what I mean?

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Man, you're from Hammersmith, you won a gold medal.

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Look at yourself, you're now back in Hammersmith. What a journey!

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You're the only boxer who fought his way back into the ghetto.

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LAUGHTER

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James, you're not even saying anything, you're just eyeing me up for weaknesses, aren't you?

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Anywhere about me will be fine. Are you looking forward to 2012?

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-Yeah.

-Are you gonna win?

-Yeah.

-Are you gonna win big?

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In many ways, by the way, in the 2012 Olympics,

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Ireland are the winners of the 2012 Olympics because we don't have to pay for it.

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Thanks for that. I'm saying that, but I live down the road and my council tax is as much as anyone's.

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They're paying for the Olympics with council taxes! It'll be held bi-weekly. So...

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Who else do we have? Hazel Irvine, how are you?

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Where's Aggie, by the way?

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How are you? How clean is your house, Aggie? Is it a tip, I bet it is. You never open your house up, Aggie.

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You probably sit in a room flicking snot at a wall.

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Cleanliness, vital, I understand that completely. I've a massive...

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I'm kind of with you because I know it's a major concern for people,

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just in terms of public health, that stuff be clean, clean, clean...

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Here's my question for you, right. Cos I'm not saying we're cleaning too much but when...when...

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I'll do this melodramatic. WHEN will we ever, Aggie, win the war on bacteria?

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We're up to 99.9% now, according to the ads.

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Surely there's only one, small final push that we can eradicate

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that last 0.1% of bacteria which is clogging up our kitchen work surfaces at the moment.

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And I mean the bad bacteria, not the good bacteria, no.

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There's been some sort of propaganda war where we lured bifidus digestivum over to our team.

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What happens if you poured Dettol into a Yakult?

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APPLAUSE

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Is there a massive explosion of bad bacteria and then one good bacteria

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left at the bottom of the pot going, "Thank you for saving me"?

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That whole bacteria stuff is rubbish of the highest order. Any doctors in the room tonight?

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Genuinely cos there's 3,500 people here, there's bound to be a doctor.

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Give me a cheer if there's a doctor beside you or if you are a doctor.

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SCATTERED WHOOPS Or, better yet, if you play a doctor in EastEnders.

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Somewhere... Hello, how are you, good to have you here?

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Why don't we turn to you, right.

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I'm on about spraying things and anti-bacterial stuff and 99.9%, which we hear a lot of.

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Real doctors, am I right in saying this, you shouldn't clean every surface in your house, am I right?

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-Absolutely.

-Good to have you here, my fake doctor friend.

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Genuinely you shouldn't, for one simple reason, the reason that kids are getting eczema, more asthma.

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You're not supposed to raise your kids in a non-bacteria environment.

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You're supposed to actually let them get sick now and again.

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It's ludicrous... "Jesus, bacteria, don't let the kids into the kitchen!

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"There's bacteria in the kitchen!" Like we haven't evolved with bacteria.

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Nonsense. You've got to let them get sick now and again.

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This, by the way, now sounds like the weirdest safety ad or public safety ad in the world.

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You never finish a show like this

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and then I come back on the screen and go, "Well, we've all had a laugh tonight, haven't we?

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"But an important point must be made. Is there bacteria in your house?

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"Pick up your kid and rub its face in it."

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Kids are supposed to get sick.

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It's one of those things in this country you do a lot of, get people scared about bacteria.

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"Don't leave the kids with the bacteria and don't let them

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"out the front door because there are murderers out there."

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"Where do the kids...?" "In the hall. That's where the kids stay."

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"When can I leave the hall?"

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"When you're 18. Then you can do whatever you want.

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"Until then, OK, you can go to the shops but make sure nobody follows you."

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"I shouldn't have let them do that. I know, I'll follow them." LAUGHTER

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It makes literally no sense whatsoever,

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that's why there's so much... How many people here are in their teens?

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WHOOPING

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The vast majority. You get a really hard...

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you just get appalling coverage in this country.

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You'd think you were feral, the way the papers went on about you.

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Genuinely, you'd think that every young person in Britain

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just walks with a hoodie up and a knife and a phone, taping it, just walking around.

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Like some sort of ASBO Dalek of some description,

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lashing out and taping at the same time. "Ha-ha! This'll go on YouTube."

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I think that's incredible harsh on young people. They're good people. Nothing wrong with you, right.

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One difference, right, and one difference I suppose,

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maybe I do agree with the Daily Mail on one small point.

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Right... Although unlikely...

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one small point is that one thing is different for young people now.

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What age are you, my friend?

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You're 16 for example. Look at you, fine strong face, proud young man, your whole journey ahead of you.

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One small difference between your generation and previous generations.

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Let's not embarrass you by saying this is about you, let's say it's about people younger, 12, 13, 14.

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Kids of that age, thanks to the internet, digital technology and DVDs

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have seen more pornography than any generation in history.

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I'm not, by the way, getting at them for that, I envy them that desperately!

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When I was 14 you have to wait until a guy in your class

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went to England on a family holiday and brought back a magazine.

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The magazine was passed around the room like the Holy Grail,

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like the end of Raiders and you'd look at it and your head would melt.

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That's how exciting it was to you. "Oh, my God!" MIMICS EXPLOSION

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Like a Nazi, right. You'd just... waaahh!

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"They're all smooth! Unbelievable!" Right, so...

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They've seen more pornography. Not you, you're 16, you're way past that.

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They've seen more pornography, 12, 13, 14, than any generation in history,

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and this is the scary thing, it's changing sex.

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Not like a lizard, sorry. That make it sound like...

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"Hang on, he was a bloke. Wait a minute! That was a guy in the previous scene." No...

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Pornography is changing the physical act of sex, right.

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Sex has kept us going as a species for, what, 10 billion years

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and one generation, thanks to the internet, wumpf, gone, completely different, right.

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I presume, for the sake of argument, that none of you have seen a dirty film in your lives, all right?

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There are three differences between porn and sex.

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One, people don't look like people, they look like weird kind of cartoon homunculi,

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weird things with bits that are bigger and unnaturally large

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and they're just not normal-looking things, right.

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B, they're always really miserable.

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People in pornography are always really angry as if they're getting no fun at all and this is terrible.

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They're always, "Oh, I don't even like you."

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Generally grinding away in a kind of a "this'll teach you, I'm doing this to spite you" kind of a way, right.

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And three, porn ends in a filmic way.

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It doesn't end like sex ends. We all know how sex ends because that's how the species keeps going, right.

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Porn ends in a way, in a kind of a moment, right. A kind of a...tah-dah!

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It's there to show that it actually took place. There's a kind of a "There you go."

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Never with the words, "There you go."

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LAUGHTER

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But there's a kind of a "And now, how do you go."

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Listen, if you don't know what I mean, the mime alone, surely you're getting the idea.

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And that's what 12-year-olds, 13, 14 think sex is, and that's gonna change sex.

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Maybe they'll learn or maybe we'll have a genuine problem in about 20 years time when the NHS is just

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crushed under the weight of couples coming in going, "We can't conceive."

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LAUGHTER

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And doctors going, "OK, well, what are you doing?"

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And they're going, "Oh, we do what we've always done,

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"we mush around for a while, get kind of get angry at each other and then I pull out and jizz on her tits."

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LAUGHTER

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I think kids get a really rough deal out of it, generally, whatever,

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-but teachers equally. Are there any teachers in the room?

-Yeah!

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What age do you teach, by the way? Big, small, little, whatever.

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-Everything!

-Everything.

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What are you, some sort of a guru, do they come to you...

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Do you sit on a mountain top and no matter what age, from two to 65, "I have lessons for you.

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"I can teach you things that no man has ever heard before. Come to me, do you wish to learn?"

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"Well, no, actually I'm a shop delivery man but tell us what you have to say anyway."

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-Everything? From four to 11, eight to 12, where?

-From four to 18.

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It really is just everything, right. What, do you breeze in...

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Are you a member of any staff or do you drop in to kids

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and just go, "Right, quick, she's out the door, lock the door, right. I'm gonna tell you what really happens.

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"All right, this is the situation."

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-Is it right, by the way, that chalk has gone?

-Chalk has gone.

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-It's interactive dry whiteboards, am I right in saying that?

-Yes.

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"That's right, yeah." You're just gonna say "yeah" in the hope that I go away at this stage.

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Yes, teachers I have a sympathy for, simply because one of the great weapons in disciplining children...

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Maybe the Daily Mail's right. Maybe kids have gone wild, for one reason - there's no blackboards.

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How many of you went to school when there was a blackboard with chalk? CHEERING

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Gone...gone in a generation. Interactive, dry whiteboards now.

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They write the whole thing and it appears on the screen.

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That's apparently the way of the future. I see a problem.

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It's very difficult to discipline children using an interactive screen.

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Incredibly difficult to do, whereas chalk was magical.

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If a child misbehaved in the class, you just got two dusters and you banged them together.

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A huge cloud would appear between you and the child.

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Then you punched them in the face! LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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And when the dust gathered and when it all settled down

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and you're looking at the child going, "My nose!"

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You just go, "Did the cloud monster get you?"

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"Oh, no!

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"He's very angry. He doesn't like talking in class, the cloud monster, no."

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You will never hear a word from that child again.

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They also don't come in on days when there's fog. But that's kind of a...

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..an unfortunate by-product of it all. So anyway, sorry...

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Aggie, hello. Another famous person,

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-Julia Bradbury from...not Crimewatch, the other one.

-Watchdog.

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Watchdog, that's it! I wouldn't want to get the wrong one in case you clamped down on me.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please, the fantastic work they do.

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Fabulous work. Legendary...

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Loving the work, loving the work Watchdog does in hassling small businesspeople.

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There's nothing like it.

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"What are you doing making a profit taking money from old people?" "I, er..." "You're a monster!"

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Do you know what you should give out about? This is a touring comic, and I've travelled around. Psychics...

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-We do!

-Do you?

-We do.

-They're glorious, aren't they?

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They're almost funny. As con artists go, they are the funniest con artists in the countryside.

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By the way, I will say into any camera, if there's any psychics there thinking, "Oh, I'll sue,"

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I'd love to see you sue.

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Could you imagine a court case against a psychic? "Do you have any witnesses?"

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"They're all around."

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How much fun would that be?

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"Tell me, my old Uncle Kevin, who no-one can see but I can see,

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"did this woman malign you?"

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"Yes, she did," says the invisible man.

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It would be glorious. If you ever had any idea of going, it's nonsense.

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It's just people standing up going, "John, Julia, James...

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"Gillian, Jo, Joe, Kevin, Mary... whatever, Bob." It's nonsense, right.

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There's a woman who, for legal reasons, I'm not allowed to say what her name is, right.

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-Is there a barrister in the room, by the way? Do we have a barrister here?

-Yeah.

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-Sorry, who? You are? What's your name, champ?

-Mark.

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-Mark, what do you do?

-Trainee solicitor.

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-So you don't get to appear in court, do you?

-No.

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That's the whole fun of it though. That'll be the gas, just appearing, doing the walk in front of the jury.

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"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury..." That'd be the real gas of it all. You don't get that?

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-No.

-Here, let me try your instincts though. Maybe you made the right decision.

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When you get to the end of a jury, right, you're walking along... and you get to the end, right.

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The jury's here, which way should you turn?

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-Back on yourself.

-Like this?

-Yeah.

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That's why you wouldn't have made a good barrister. Just that moment there.

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If you're ever representing yourself, walking along, "Blah, blah, blah..."

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Your instinct will be to go, "Blah, blah, blah," and at the end go...

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"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

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"Blah, blah, blah... blah, blah, blah, blah." Wrong!

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This is the way you do it. "Blah, blah, blah...

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"But I ask you, when you look into the face of my client, ask yourself, is he not...

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"not guilty?

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That's how you do it, right. A little bit of showbiz, take it for free.

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Anyway, this nameless psychic was on recently... Completely true story.

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..was on a couple of days before me in a theatre somewhere, right, and died roaring, couldn't do it.

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To the point where the audience turned, they were looking at her going, "You can't do this.

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"You're actually bad at this." They started taking the mickey.

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They started going... Give me a name, give me a woman's name.

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-Tracey.

-Tracey, perfect. Let's call her Tracey, right.

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And the audience started going, "Tracey, what about my mother?"

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And Tracey would go, "Is she dead?"

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And they'd go, "No."

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Another voice said, "Tracey, what about my sister?"

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The woman goes, "Is she dead?"

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They'd go, "No."

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Eventually it was, "Tracey, what about my father?"

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She goes, "Is he dead?" The voice goes, "Yeah!"

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And she went, "Oh, now...something is coming through. Something is coming through."

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And the voice goes, "Ah, no, he's here, sorry."

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LAUGHTER

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They're glorious. They're fantastic, fabulous people.

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We've had a chat with Aggie, we've talked to James, Julia there.

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Er, the one person I really wanted to talk to was Melissa from The Property Show. Where is that?

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Hello, how are you? How's yourself, good to have you here.

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You do the property shows on BBC daytime, don't you?

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-I do.

-Well, you did. What are you gonna do next year? Not so much in the property now, is there?

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That's a kind of a topical one there, isn't it? I was just thinking...

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What, what? Are you gonna do a show called We're Staying Here?

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Or, Actually The Schools Aren't That Bad.

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Do you know what my favourite is?

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My absolute favourite, the best of all, right. Not Grand Designs, not Location, Location,

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with respect, not Homes Under The Hammer.

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Property Ladder is the greatest property show in the world, right.

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-For one simple reason, right. Property Ladder, you know the one I mean?

-Yeah!

-Very good.

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Almost the greatest television show because uniquely, historically, it's the only television show, ever,

0:18:170:18:23

that has an expert that nobody pays a blind bit of notice to.

0:18:230:18:28

Every week Sarah Beeny comes in and goes, "Magnolia," and they go, "Ah, no, we're painting it black."

0:18:280:18:34

Every week she's going, "No, no, please what are you doing there?"

0:18:340:18:37

"We're digging a hole in the hallway to put a swimming pool in." "What?!"

0:18:370:18:42

She must be off camera going, "Why am I even here?!

0:18:420:18:46

"They don't even listen to a word I say!

0:18:460:18:48

"Every week I give advice and then they make a big profit

0:18:480:18:51

"and they think they're as good as me. Well, they're not!"

0:18:510:18:54

And she's in, she's out, she's in, she's out.

0:18:540:18:56

It's a continuity disaster area, it really is, yeah.

0:18:560:19:00

I'm not saying anything against her being pregnant but it does kind of give away

0:19:000:19:04

how long it takes these people to do a bit of basic plumbing.

0:19:040:19:07

In the time it's taken them to plaster the back bedroom she's had four kids.

0:19:070:19:12

Just stick her in a poncho in episode one and be done with it, all right.

0:19:120:19:16

Make her Mexican, she can do the accent.

0:19:160:19:19

Come in on a donkey going, "So you want to develop the property, yes?

0:19:190:19:23

"Perhaps you'd like to knock through the wall and make this into a separate bedroom.

0:19:230:19:26

"Many, many pesos for you if you can possibly do that."

0:19:260:19:29

Listen, we're gonna bring out a headline act, ladies and gentlemen.

0:19:320:19:35

He's a very good friend. I've been working with him for a number of years.

0:19:350:19:39

I've seen him grow from just a tiny child, from a small, shy boy

0:19:390:19:44

into one of the finest stand-up comedians this country has.

0:19:440:19:48

I call him the dark heart of Mock The Week. I'd imagine many people will after you've seen him.

0:19:480:19:53

Ladies and gentlemen, could you please give it up for the one and only Mr Frankie Boyle.

0:19:530:19:58

CHEERING

0:19:580:20:00

Hello!

0:20:240:20:26

-Hello!

-You've made an effort tonight, haven't you, little fella?

0:20:260:20:31

Looks like someone shaved a monkey and kicked it through Top Man.

0:20:310:20:35

I like this as well, buddy.

0:20:410:20:43

You've got your trousers pulled up so tight you've got one of those ball vaginas.

0:20:430:20:48

Did you see Amy Winehouse in the paper this week?

0:20:540:20:56

My God, she looks like a campaign poster for neglected horses.

0:20:560:21:02

We're quite tolerant of mutant celebrities, aren't we?

0:21:070:21:10

David Coulthard with that big jaw thing.

0:21:100:21:14

D'you reckon when he goes down on his wife it feels like she's being rescued by a dolphin?

0:21:140:21:20

Ann Widdecombe says that she's a virgin for religious reasons.

0:21:260:21:30

LAUGHTER

0:21:300:21:32

The reason being that God made her incredibly ugly.

0:21:330:21:37

LAUGHTER

0:21:370:21:40

John Prescott, you're talking about a guy who's so fat,

0:21:410:21:46

he can't wear a belt and a tie on the same day

0:21:460:21:48

or he'll turn into sausages.

0:21:480:21:51

Recently, I was getting interviewed on a sofa with Macy Gray.

0:21:560:22:01

The dream team!

0:22:010:22:04

The interviewer goes, "Have you ever been a groupie?"

0:22:040:22:07

and Macy Gray, quite bizarrely, says, "Yes,

0:22:070:22:11

"for the actor Clive Owen and the basketball player Michael Jordan."

0:22:110:22:16

The interviewer said, "I hope that was on different nights."

0:22:160:22:20

And I said,

0:22:200:22:22

"At the very least, I hope they were at opposite ends, Macy."

0:22:220:22:25

Macy Gray doesn't have a sense of humour!

0:22:280:22:31

Youse worried about the credit crunch?

0:22:340:22:36

I like the new advert for the Halifax.

0:22:360:22:39

It's just Howard hanging himself in a bathroom.

0:22:390:22:41

It's a bit sick us getting worried when there are people in the world starving.

0:22:450:22:50

Things are going to have to get pretty bad before we can't afford to shop at Lidl.

0:22:500:22:55

I once did my entire weekly shop at Lidl in exchange for an amulet made from cat's teeth.

0:22:550:23:01

I saw Gordon Brown talking about it last night. Gordon Brown looks terrible.

0:23:040:23:08

He looks like a sad face somebody's drawn onto their scrotum.

0:23:080:23:13

Alastair Darling, I don't trust either.

0:23:170:23:19

I don't trust anyone whose hair and eyebrows don't match.

0:23:190:23:22

I keep wondering what his pubes look like.

0:23:220:23:25

I wouldn't be surprised if he opened his flies and it was a big bunch of daffodils.

0:23:250:23:30

He looks tired as well.

0:23:310:23:34

Then, he does have to commute in every day from Tracy Island.

0:23:340:23:37

Brown says he wants to bring in super ASBOs. That sounds too cool.

0:23:410:23:45

Super ASBOs - teenagers are going to want those.

0:23:450:23:49

They should call them GAYBOs or bender badges.

0:23:490:23:52

Brown says we need a national debate about whether Margaret Thatcher gets a state funeral.

0:23:540:24:00

The only debate most people are having is whether or not she needs to be dead before we bury her.

0:24:000:24:06

A £3 million funeral. For that money, you could buy everybody in Scotland

0:24:060:24:10

a shovel and we'd dig a hole so deep that we could hand her over to Satan personally.

0:24:100:24:16

George Bush says now he's retiring, he will make his living from speaking.

0:24:240:24:29

Play to your strengths there, George!

0:24:310:24:34

That's like Abu Hamza having a career doing shadow puppets.

0:24:340:24:38

Did anyone see the survey they did in America that said Osama bin Laden is now more famous than Michael Jackson?

0:24:420:24:50

You think, "Yeah, but he puts a lot less effort into his videos."

0:24:500:24:53

Poor old Michael Jackson has to live out the life of a Scooby-Doo villain.

0:24:570:25:01

Hanging around an abandoned funfair wearing a plastic face.

0:25:010:25:05

Catherine Zeta Jones lives in LA, but she has bottles of air imported from Wales.

0:25:060:25:14

When I want my house to smell like Wales, I just kick my dog until it farts.

0:25:140:25:18

It's weird the Beckhams went to LA - the home of stalkers.

0:25:220:25:25

They were always worried about being kidnapped.

0:25:250:25:28

She'd be the perfect kidnap victim.

0:25:280:25:30

Imagine how cheap it would be to send her body parts back to the post.

0:25:300:25:35

What does he see in her? It must be like shagging a xylophone.

0:25:380:25:43

People fancy Sarah Palin.

0:25:430:25:46

"Governor of Alaska" is an incredible title.

0:25:460:25:49

Governor, serious and important, Alaska, shit.

0:25:490:25:55

It's like being voted most handsome man...in the burns unit.

0:25:550:26:00

Being an international footballer... for Scotland.

0:26:020:26:06

Glasgow was in the news recently, the scaremongering story that North Korea have missiles that can hit America.

0:26:090:26:16

It turned out the part of America the missiles could reach was Alaska.

0:26:160:26:21

Who is going to nuke the Eskimos?

0:26:210:26:23

You could take out one of their cities with a three-bar fire and a bag of salt.

0:26:230:26:28

A lot of scaremongering goes on. Did you see that guy they jailed a couple of months ago,

0:26:300:26:34

Osama bin London?

0:26:340:26:36

Is that the stage it's got to - tribute acts?

0:26:360:26:40

The Sun, without irony, described him as Abu Hamza's right-hand man.

0:26:400:26:46

We've got Barack Obama as president. Incredible...

0:26:480:26:52

when you consider he has the worst name you could have in American politics.

0:26:520:26:57

Obama, halfway between "Osama"

0:26:570:27:00

and "a bomber".

0:27:000:27:02

He might as well be called Muslim O'Gun-bomb.

0:27:040:27:07

He's not just popular with black Americans,

0:27:110:27:14

but with white Americans because they think he's Tiger Woods.

0:27:140:27:19

He came to Berlin and got a standing ovation from 20,000 people.

0:27:230:27:28

Let's not forget the last man to get a standing ovation

0:27:280:27:31

from 20,000 people in Berlin was the most evil man in history.

0:27:310:27:36

David Hasselhoff.

0:27:360:27:38

Did he see his first speech after the election?

0:27:450:27:47

They put bullet-proof glass up in front of him.

0:27:470:27:51

That shows you how racist America still is.

0:27:510:27:54

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody.

0:27:540:27:58

How are you doing, little fella?

0:28:080:28:10

You look a bit trendy for this crowd.

0:28:100:28:12

The rest of it looks like the cantina scene from Star Wars.

0:28:120:28:16

-What's your story, what do you do?

-A barman.

0:28:160:28:18

-A barman?

-Yes.

-If you keep smiling, that doesn't mean I'll move along!

0:28:180:28:23

I like what you've done with your hair, man.

0:28:250:28:27

You look like a moderately powerful Pokemon.

0:28:270:28:30

Are youse looking forward to the Olympics in London?

0:28:350:28:38

AUDIENCE MUTTER

0:28:380:28:39

LAUGHTER

0:28:390:28:41

That's a fairly firm "no". A low zombie groan.

0:28:410:28:46

Urrrrrrghhh.

0:28:460:28:47

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London.

0:28:470:28:51

It means the athletes'll have to use extra skill

0:28:510:28:53

to work out which of the gunshots they heard was the starting pistol.

0:28:530:28:57

Glasgow has the Commonwealth Games.

0:29:000:29:02

Be good to finally see an international athletics event where the crowd fail a drugs test.

0:29:020:29:09

I'm looking forward to our opening ceremony.

0:29:110:29:13

Seeing them lighting that torch from a smouldering Ford Focus.

0:29:130:29:17

You want to see more drugs in sport? I want to see a lot more drugs in sport.

0:29:200:29:25

Do you want to see someone running the 100 metres in 9.78 seconds,

0:29:250:29:28

or do you want to see them running it in three seconds?

0:29:280:29:30

I don't want to see Dwain Chambers running on steroids, I want to see him

0:29:300:29:34

running with the legs of a kangaroo and the heart of a leopard.

0:29:340:29:39

I would see him run so fast that halfway through the race,

0:29:390:29:42

he disappears like the car from Back To The Future,

0:29:420:29:46

reappears at the finish line as an old man shouting, "Beware China!"

0:29:460:29:49

and then crumbles into dust.

0:29:490:29:52

Usain Bolt won that race in 9.69 seconds.

0:29:550:29:59

I can't do anything in that time.

0:29:590:30:01

It took me 10 seconds to watch him do that.

0:30:010:30:04

He won that race slowing down.

0:30:060:30:09

How galling is that for the other runners?

0:30:090:30:11

The only way it could have been worse would've been if he'd stopped before the finish line,

0:30:110:30:15

got his camera phone out and gone, "Hurry up, I'm trying to get us all in this one."

0:30:150:30:19

Michael Phelps was too good as well.

0:30:210:30:24

It's gonna be boring at the London Olympics unless we make Phelps

0:30:240:30:29

swim in the conditions the British swimmers had to train in.

0:30:290:30:32

Let's see how good he is once he has to get past a fat guy doing widths.

0:30:320:30:37

What was disappointing about the Olympics was the female athletes are now so fast,

0:30:400:30:46

it's almost impossible to crack one off over the course of a race.

0:30:460:30:50

I had to pick a woman quite early on in the hurdles and hope she fell.

0:30:520:30:57

That's a joke, but it's also what I actually did.

0:31:000:31:03

The great thing in Scottish football games at Hampden where you're not allowed to bring food

0:31:060:31:11

into the ground and they search you when you go in to make sure you've not got food on you.

0:31:110:31:17

It's nice to see we've got our priorities right.

0:31:170:31:20

"What's this, son, a knife?

0:31:200:31:22

"I hope you weren't planning on making sandwiches."

0:31:220:31:24

We are a brutal culture. Did you see the story of the head that got washed up on a beach in Arbroath?

0:31:300:31:36

It was children that found it, which I thought was particularly sad

0:31:360:31:40

because you know there will have been a point

0:31:400:31:42

when they'll have thought that was someone buried up to their neck in the sand,

0:31:420:31:47

then the next day, the limbs get washed ashore in a suitcase.

0:31:470:31:50

The people of Arbroath were in shock. They'd never never seen a suitcase before.

0:31:500:31:54

I heard a brilliant Scottish story the other day. My pal is a magician.

0:31:580:32:02

He does magic at weddings. He did a wedding a couple of weeks ago

0:32:020:32:06

where the groom was wearing a kilt and for the photos, he sat on the bride's knee

0:32:060:32:11

and left a skid mark on her dress.

0:32:110:32:14

Somewhere in there is an incredible advert for Daz.

0:32:200:32:25

I was trying to think of what is the shittest Scottish town, which obviously took me a while.

0:32:300:32:35

I decided it was Coatbridge.

0:32:350:32:38

If you ever get a chance to go there, go.

0:32:380:32:40

It's like Blade Runner without the special effects.

0:32:400:32:43

Basically, the town's pride took a knock recently

0:32:430:32:47

when they found out the people of Ethiopia were holding a rock concert for them.

0:32:470:32:52

There is a beautiful detail I think encapsulates the place.

0:32:540:32:58

Last time I was there, they had one takeaway restaurant which is a Chinese

0:32:580:33:03

called by Bon Appetit.

0:33:030:33:07

I read a great thing the other day.

0:33:120:33:14

Scientists are going to start treating alcoholism with LSD.

0:33:140:33:19

That's going to make tramps very different people.

0:33:190:33:23

"Any spare change, pal? I've got a unicorn to feed."

0:33:230:33:27

Have you heard this science thing that the human female

0:33:310:33:34

has exactly the same pheromone scent as an orang-utan female?

0:33:340:33:38

It was news to me. I'll never wear a blindfold again.

0:33:380:33:41

She told me she was a Geordie.

0:33:420:33:45

Viagra is overrated.

0:33:480:33:50

Viagra takes half an hour to have any effect.

0:33:500:33:54

I often find in that time, the woman has managed to wriggle free.

0:33:540:33:58

Have you ever heard that if you put a frog into boiling water, it'll jump out,

0:34:030:34:08

but if you put it into cold water, and heat the water up, the frog won't realise and it'll die?

0:34:080:34:15

To put it another way, scientists have got a lot of time on their hands.

0:34:150:34:21

"Shall we have a go at curing cancer?"

0:34:210:34:23

"No, I'm going to see how many Fruit Pastilles it takes to choke a kestrel."

0:34:230:34:29

Got all these environmental problems now.

0:34:350:34:37

Apparently in 20 years' time, Norwich will be completely underwater,

0:34:370:34:41

and the locals are delighted because they'll finally get a chance to use their webbed feet and hands.

0:34:410:34:46

A lot of stuff's bad for the environment, isn't it?

0:34:480:34:51

4x4s are just too big, aren't they?

0:34:510:34:53

I mean, often now, when I'm out dogging...

0:34:530:34:57

I find I have to stand on someone's shoulders

0:34:570:35:02

just to get my balls onto the windshield.

0:35:020:35:04

Ryanair are getting a hard time from the environmental lobby cos they want to introduce an £8 flight

0:35:080:35:13

to New York. Although, as always with Ryanair, it does land slightly outside New York...

0:35:130:35:20

in Dublin.

0:35:200:35:21

Did you see Kerry Katona on This Morning?

0:35:260:35:28

That was one of the saddest, one of the very saddest wanks that I've ever had.

0:35:300:35:34

She's got a new perfume out, and it must be good, cos it looks like she's drinking about four bottles a day.

0:35:390:35:45

I think Grand Designs is going to be brilliant during the credit crunch.

0:35:470:35:51

"I've got a budget of £4.

0:35:510:35:53

"Thought I might paint the door."

0:35:540:35:57

So patronising, those property programmes, aren't they? I saw one. This is true.

0:36:010:36:06

It said, "If someone's coming round to view your house, remember, open the curtains and tidy up."

0:36:060:36:12

Oh, thanks for that, guys. I was planning on redecorating using diarrhoea pills and stencils,

0:36:140:36:19

and then shaving the word "welcome" into my dog's back.

0:36:190:36:23

That's a joke. I don't have a dog, obviously.

0:36:260:36:29

Having pets is tragic.

0:36:290:36:31

Having a pet is basically saying, "Hey, I've tried to find love among my own species...

0:36:310:36:38

"and I've failed."

0:36:380:36:40

Is there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog picking up dog shit?

0:36:400:36:45

I suppose someone maybe without a dog. I don't know.

0:36:470:36:50

Vet - that looks like a good job.

0:36:540:36:56

I don't know how long I could be a vet before I got bored and started shagging stuff.

0:36:560:37:01

I'd shag an owl..

0:37:030:37:05

cos it could give you eye contact whatever position you've taken.

0:37:050:37:09

Or shag a kitten.

0:37:120:37:14

Imagine having sex with something you actually wanted to cuddle afterwards.

0:37:140:37:19

What I'm actually most into myself is leather.

0:37:230:37:26

Well, I say leather,

0:37:260:37:28

I mean, older women.

0:37:280:37:30

I do love old people, and do you know what?

0:37:330:37:34

It's sick that we live in a country where the Government will bail out banks and bankers.

0:37:340:37:40

They won't make sure that old people can survive the winter. So what I told my gran,

0:37:400:37:45

I told her to change her name by deed poll

0:37:450:37:47

to Mrs HBOS and say that she pissed all her money away at the bingo.

0:37:470:37:52

Sure enough, the next day, a cheque turns up for £5 billion!

0:37:520:37:56

Now she's got her heating up full blast and it should last about two weeks.

0:37:560:38:01

I'll try and think if I've got any cheerful jokes at all.

0:38:030:38:07

Yes, as a man, never get a Brazilian,

0:38:080:38:13

because when you get a hard-on, you'll look like a sundial at noon.

0:38:130:38:17

How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?

0:38:220:38:26

Another two, if I move my bike.

0:38:260:38:28

The smoking ban's really taken off in Scotland.

0:38:330:38:36

Every pub, no matter how shit, now has tables and chairs outside.

0:38:360:38:42

Basically, Glasgow looks like Paris after a nuclear war.

0:38:420:38:48

The best ads are those anti-drinking adverts.

0:38:480:38:52

They're like the least effective adverts ever.

0:38:520:38:55

There's always a drunk woman tottering about on high heels or a drunk woman falling over.

0:38:550:39:00

I always watch those and I go, "That's right.

0:39:000:39:02

"There are drunk women out there. I'll get my coat on."

0:39:020:39:06

Did you see the story of the refugees who were found in a raft,

0:39:090:39:14

and they'd survived on the raft for two weeks by eating the other people who'd died?

0:39:140:39:21

They said if things had got any worse, they were going to open the fridge full of Ginsters pasties.

0:39:210:39:26

You can eat roadkill. Have you seen this?

0:39:260:39:30

My pal got me a recipe book for roadkill.

0:39:300:39:32

So I got some roadkill, I followed the recipe, it was delicious.

0:39:320:39:37

I still don't know what to do with his bike.

0:39:370:39:40

Political correctness has changed everything, hasn't it?

0:39:440:39:47

Apparently at Christmas now, we're not supposed to say "fairy lights" any more,

0:39:470:39:52

cos it might be homophobic.

0:39:520:39:53

Apparently now, we've got to call them "poof lanterns".

0:39:530:39:57

It's not politically correct to talk about women who wear veils.

0:39:590:40:02

I don't care if they wear a veil or not.

0:40:020:40:04

It's when you see them in London, taking photos of each other as tourists.

0:40:040:40:08

What's the point?

0:40:080:40:11

"Could you take that one again? I blinked."

0:40:110:40:15

I think it's important for women not to let men tell you

0:40:160:40:19

what's attractive, cos men don't know what's attractive.

0:40:190:40:22

Belly-button piercings aren't sexy.

0:40:220:40:25

Men just think they're sexy because it reminds them of the staple in a porno mag.

0:40:250:40:30

I like the way men lie and go, "Oh, I couldn't sleep with younger women.

0:40:340:40:39

"I mean, what would you talk to them about afterwards?"

0:40:390:40:42

I don't know, how they're planning on getting home?

0:40:420:40:45

I've got kids now. I've got a wee boy. He's just turned one.

0:40:490:40:53

Starting to get a bit sick of him, to be honest.

0:40:530:40:56

I went to the birth and it really did bring home that whole wonder,

0:40:590:41:02

I suppose, miracle, that is contraception.

0:41:020:41:05

Watching a birth is like watching the deleted scenes from Platoon.

0:41:070:41:12

I've got a wee girl as well.

0:41:120:41:14

She's four. You know what people don't tell you?

0:41:140:41:17

Kids are a fantastic way of meeting women.

0:41:170:41:19

A real conversation starter, especially if you get 'em little cute tops,

0:41:190:41:24

saying "Future DJ", that kind of thing. So my daughter's four.

0:41:240:41:28

I've got her a lovely little pink top that says "My Mummy's Dead".

0:41:280:41:34

You know, the brilliant thing with kids is, sometimes, you're just in that kid mode,

0:41:430:41:48

and you don't even have them with you,

0:41:480:41:50

and you'll just say things that have never been said in human history.

0:41:500:41:54

I went to the supermarket recently.

0:41:540:41:56

I didn't have the kids with me, but I was in that mode.

0:41:560:41:59

And I picked up the cheese and went, "Hello, Mr Cheese."

0:41:590:42:03

And this guy beside me got really angry

0:42:040:42:08

cos he thought I was talking to him.

0:42:080:42:10

And I had to turn to this guy and go, "I wasn't talking to you, pal.

0:42:100:42:15

"I was talking to the cheese."

0:42:150:42:17

I was having breakfast with my daughter a couple of months ago. This is true.

0:42:200:42:25

My daughter goes, "Daddy, what's the best thing in the world?"

0:42:250:42:29

I didn't even have to think about it. I said, "Darling, you're the best thing in the world.

0:42:290:42:33

"I don't even have to think about it. It's definitely you".

0:42:330:42:36

And she sat there for a bit and then she went,

0:42:360:42:39

"For me, it's sausages."

0:42:390:42:41

Hammersmith, it's been a pleasure. Take care of yourselves. Good night!

0:42:430:42:47

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:470:42:50

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

0:42:590:43:01

I know. I know, I know what you're thinking.

0:43:060:43:09

You're thinking, "God, it's my child's eighth birthday coming up."

0:43:090:43:13

That would be perfect for the kids' birthday party, wouldn't it?

0:43:130:43:16

Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to the end of our show.

0:43:160:43:21

Thanks for coming along from everyone at Live At The Apollo.

0:43:210:43:24

And from myself, Dara O Briain, from Frankie Boyle, we'll see you again. Thank you very much. Good night.

0:43:240:43:30

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:43:340:43:36

Email [email protected]

0:43:360:43:39

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