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MUSIC: "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
This programme contains adult humour. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
Ladies and gentlemen... | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O'Briain! | 0:00:20 | 0:00:25 | |
CHEERING | 0:00:27 | 0:00:30 | |
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, how are you? | 0:00:40 | 0:00:44 | |
Thank you. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:45 | |
Welcome to another Live At The Apollo. My name is Dara O'Briain. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:50 | |
We're here for another showcase of some of the finest stand-up talent that the UK has currently working. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:55 | |
Stand-up, as ever, will be a fantastic collections of moments. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:59 | |
That's what stand-up does best. Those crazy moments that can't be repeated in any other art form. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:04 | |
I'll give you an example. I was on tour during the year | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
and I was in Derby and there were three guys in the front row. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
Guy there, guy there, guy there. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
I spoke to that guy, as you do. "How are you? What's your name? | 0:01:11 | 0:01:15 | |
"What do you do?" The man explained to me he was a performance analyst for the Nottingham police force. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:21 | |
One of those ridiculous modern jobs that nobody knows what it means, right? I said, "Really?" | 0:01:21 | 0:01:27 | |
I had a bit of a chat, moved on, skipped the guy in the middle | 0:01:27 | 0:01:30 | |
and went to that guy and said, "What do you do?" | 0:01:30 | 0:01:33 | |
Your man goes, "I'm a lorry driver | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
"but at the weekends I play Robin Hood in a tourist attraction called the Robin Hood Experience." | 0:01:35 | 0:01:40 | |
So we had a bit of craic at the whole "thwang" element of all of that. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:45 | |
I was about to move on when I thought, "What am I doing? | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
"I've got Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham sitting together in the front row." | 0:01:47 | 0:01:51 | |
I had a bit of a craic with the two of them and then moved on, | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
finished the first half and came back for part two. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
I was just starting to do the part-two stuff when the first bloke, the copper bloke, does this, waving. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:03 | |
No-one waves at you when you're on stage. There's rarely a situation | 0:02:03 | 0:02:07 | |
where you have to stop the guy telling the jokes, right? | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
He waves at me and I went, "What?" | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
He points to the guy in the middle, | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
the guy I hadn't even spoken to, and goes, "Ask him his name." | 0:02:14 | 0:02:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
I'm going, "What the...?" I went to the guy and said, "What's your name?" | 0:02:22 | 0:02:26 | |
And your man kind of gingerly goes, "Er...it's Arthur Merryman." | 0:02:26 | 0:02:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
Genuinely, without any setting up, I had Robin Hood, | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
the Sheriff of Nottingham and the Merry Men sitting in the front row. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:41 | |
Who knows if we'll have anything as glorious. We will possibly be having a chat with you. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:45 | |
They sprinkle these audiences, for some ludicrous reason, with, in MASSIVE quotation marks, some of you, | 0:02:45 | 0:02:51 | |
"famous faces". MASSIVE in here! | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
Coming in here bumping your way up a couple of lists. You're not! | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
Get back down to D. LAUGHTER | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
There's even a local hero here, James DeGale apparently. Where is he? | 0:03:00 | 0:03:04 | |
-Good to have you here, James. James, you're a local, aren't you? -Yeah. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:08 | |
-You're a Hammersmith boy. Have you got the gold medal on you? -No. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
No, good man yourself, that's wise. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
It's a bit tacky, you know what I mean? | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
Man, you're from Hammersmith, you won a gold medal. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
Look at yourself, you're now back in Hammersmith. What a journey! | 0:03:19 | 0:03:23 | |
You're the only boxer who fought his way back into the ghetto. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
James, you're not even saying anything, you're just eyeing me up for weaknesses, aren't you? | 0:03:29 | 0:03:34 | |
Anywhere about me will be fine. Are you looking forward to 2012? | 0:03:34 | 0:03:38 | |
-Yeah. -Are you gonna win? -Yeah. -Are you gonna win big? | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
In many ways, by the way, in the 2012 Olympics, | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
Ireland are the winners of the 2012 Olympics because we don't have to pay for it. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:48 | |
Thanks for that. I'm saying that, but I live down the road and my council tax is as much as anyone's. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:53 | |
They're paying for the Olympics with council taxes! It'll be held bi-weekly. So... | 0:03:53 | 0:03:58 | |
Who else do we have? Hazel Irvine, how are you? | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
Where's Aggie, by the way? | 0:04:00 | 0:04:02 | |
How are you? How clean is your house, Aggie? Is it a tip, I bet it is. You never open your house up, Aggie. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:07 | |
You probably sit in a room flicking snot at a wall. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
Cleanliness, vital, I understand that completely. I've a massive... | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
I'm kind of with you because I know it's a major concern for people, | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
just in terms of public health, that stuff be clean, clean, clean... | 0:04:19 | 0:04:23 | |
Here's my question for you, right. Cos I'm not saying we're cleaning too much but when...when... | 0:04:23 | 0:04:28 | |
I'll do this melodramatic. WHEN will we ever, Aggie, win the war on bacteria? | 0:04:28 | 0:04:34 | |
We're up to 99.9% now, according to the ads. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:39 | |
Surely there's only one, small final push that we can eradicate | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
that last 0.1% of bacteria which is clogging up our kitchen work surfaces at the moment. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:48 | |
And I mean the bad bacteria, not the good bacteria, no. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:52 | |
There's been some sort of propaganda war where we lured bifidus digestivum over to our team. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:58 | |
What happens if you poured Dettol into a Yakult? | 0:04:58 | 0:05:02 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
Is there a massive explosion of bad bacteria and then one good bacteria | 0:05:08 | 0:05:12 | |
left at the bottom of the pot going, "Thank you for saving me"? | 0:05:12 | 0:05:17 | |
That whole bacteria stuff is rubbish of the highest order. Any doctors in the room tonight? | 0:05:17 | 0:05:22 | |
Genuinely cos there's 3,500 people here, there's bound to be a doctor. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:26 | |
Give me a cheer if there's a doctor beside you or if you are a doctor. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
SCATTERED WHOOPS Or, better yet, if you play a doctor in EastEnders. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:33 | |
Somewhere... Hello, how are you, good to have you here? | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
Why don't we turn to you, right. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
I'm on about spraying things and anti-bacterial stuff and 99.9%, which we hear a lot of. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:43 | |
Real doctors, am I right in saying this, you shouldn't clean every surface in your house, am I right? | 0:05:43 | 0:05:49 | |
-Absolutely. -Good to have you here, my fake doctor friend. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:53 | |
Genuinely you shouldn't, for one simple reason, the reason that kids are getting eczema, more asthma. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:58 | |
You're not supposed to raise your kids in a non-bacteria environment. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:02 | |
You're supposed to actually let them get sick now and again. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:05 | |
It's ludicrous... "Jesus, bacteria, don't let the kids into the kitchen! | 0:06:05 | 0:06:09 | |
"There's bacteria in the kitchen!" Like we haven't evolved with bacteria. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:13 | |
Nonsense. You've got to let them get sick now and again. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
This, by the way, now sounds like the weirdest safety ad or public safety ad in the world. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:21 | |
You never finish a show like this | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
and then I come back on the screen and go, "Well, we've all had a laugh tonight, haven't we? | 0:06:23 | 0:06:29 | |
"But an important point must be made. Is there bacteria in your house? | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
"Pick up your kid and rub its face in it." | 0:06:32 | 0:06:35 | |
Kids are supposed to get sick. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
It's one of those things in this country you do a lot of, get people scared about bacteria. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:43 | |
"Don't leave the kids with the bacteria and don't let them | 0:06:43 | 0:06:46 | |
"out the front door because there are murderers out there." | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
"Where do the kids...?" "In the hall. That's where the kids stay." | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
"When can I leave the hall?" | 0:06:52 | 0:06:53 | |
"When you're 18. Then you can do whatever you want. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
"Until then, OK, you can go to the shops but make sure nobody follows you." | 0:06:56 | 0:07:00 | |
"I shouldn't have let them do that. I know, I'll follow them." LAUGHTER | 0:07:00 | 0:07:05 | |
It makes literally no sense whatsoever, | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
that's why there's so much... How many people here are in their teens? | 0:07:07 | 0:07:11 | |
WHOOPING | 0:07:11 | 0:07:12 | |
The vast majority. You get a really hard... | 0:07:12 | 0:07:15 | |
you just get appalling coverage in this country. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
You'd think you were feral, the way the papers went on about you. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:21 | |
Genuinely, you'd think that every young person in Britain | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
just walks with a hoodie up and a knife and a phone, taping it, just walking around. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:31 | |
Like some sort of ASBO Dalek of some description, | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
lashing out and taping at the same time. "Ha-ha! This'll go on YouTube." | 0:07:34 | 0:07:39 | |
I think that's incredible harsh on young people. They're good people. Nothing wrong with you, right. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:46 | |
One difference, right, and one difference I suppose, | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
maybe I do agree with the Daily Mail on one small point. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:53 | |
Right... Although unlikely... | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
one small point is that one thing is different for young people now. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
What age are you, my friend? | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
You're 16 for example. Look at you, fine strong face, proud young man, your whole journey ahead of you. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:05 | |
One small difference between your generation and previous generations. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:09 | |
Let's not embarrass you by saying this is about you, let's say it's about people younger, 12, 13, 14. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:15 | |
Kids of that age, thanks to the internet, digital technology and DVDs | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
have seen more pornography than any generation in history. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:24 | |
I'm not, by the way, getting at them for that, I envy them that desperately! | 0:08:24 | 0:08:29 | |
When I was 14 you have to wait until a guy in your class | 0:08:29 | 0:08:33 | |
went to England on a family holiday and brought back a magazine. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:38 | |
The magazine was passed around the room like the Holy Grail, | 0:08:38 | 0:08:43 | |
like the end of Raiders and you'd look at it and your head would melt. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:47 | |
That's how exciting it was to you. "Oh, my God!" MIMICS EXPLOSION | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
Like a Nazi, right. You'd just... waaahh! | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
"They're all smooth! Unbelievable!" Right, so... | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
They've seen more pornography. Not you, you're 16, you're way past that. | 0:08:57 | 0:09:01 | |
They've seen more pornography, 12, 13, 14, than any generation in history, | 0:09:01 | 0:09:06 | |
and this is the scary thing, it's changing sex. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
Not like a lizard, sorry. That make it sound like... | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
"Hang on, he was a bloke. Wait a minute! That was a guy in the previous scene." No... | 0:09:11 | 0:09:17 | |
Pornography is changing the physical act of sex, right. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
Sex has kept us going as a species for, what, 10 billion years | 0:09:20 | 0:09:25 | |
and one generation, thanks to the internet, wumpf, gone, completely different, right. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:29 | |
I presume, for the sake of argument, that none of you have seen a dirty film in your lives, all right? | 0:09:29 | 0:09:35 | |
There are three differences between porn and sex. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
One, people don't look like people, they look like weird kind of cartoon homunculi, | 0:09:38 | 0:09:44 | |
weird things with bits that are bigger and unnaturally large | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
and they're just not normal-looking things, right. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:51 | |
B, they're always really miserable. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
People in pornography are always really angry as if they're getting no fun at all and this is terrible. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:59 | |
They're always, "Oh, I don't even like you." | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
Generally grinding away in a kind of a "this'll teach you, I'm doing this to spite you" kind of a way, right. | 0:10:04 | 0:10:09 | |
And three, porn ends in a filmic way. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:15 | |
It doesn't end like sex ends. We all know how sex ends because that's how the species keeps going, right. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:20 | |
Porn ends in a way, in a kind of a moment, right. A kind of a...tah-dah! | 0:10:20 | 0:10:25 | |
It's there to show that it actually took place. There's a kind of a "There you go." | 0:10:25 | 0:10:30 | |
Never with the words, "There you go." | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:33 | 0:10:34 | |
But there's a kind of a "And now, how do you go." | 0:10:34 | 0:10:38 | |
Listen, if you don't know what I mean, the mime alone, surely you're getting the idea. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:43 | |
And that's what 12-year-olds, 13, 14 think sex is, and that's gonna change sex. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:51 | |
Maybe they'll learn or maybe we'll have a genuine problem in about 20 years time when the NHS is just | 0:10:51 | 0:10:57 | |
crushed under the weight of couples coming in going, "We can't conceive." | 0:10:57 | 0:11:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:02 | 0:11:06 | |
And doctors going, "OK, well, what are you doing?" | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
And they're going, "Oh, we do what we've always done, | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
"we mush around for a while, get kind of get angry at each other and then I pull out and jizz on her tits." | 0:11:11 | 0:11:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:17 | 0:11:19 | |
I think kids get a really rough deal out of it, generally, whatever, | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
-but teachers equally. Are there any teachers in the room? -Yeah! | 0:11:28 | 0:11:31 | |
What age do you teach, by the way? Big, small, little, whatever. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
-Everything! -Everything. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
What are you, some sort of a guru, do they come to you... | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
Do you sit on a mountain top and no matter what age, from two to 65, "I have lessons for you. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:44 | |
"I can teach you things that no man has ever heard before. Come to me, do you wish to learn?" | 0:11:44 | 0:11:49 | |
"Well, no, actually I'm a shop delivery man but tell us what you have to say anyway." | 0:11:49 | 0:11:55 | |
-Everything? From four to 11, eight to 12, where? -From four to 18. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
It really is just everything, right. What, do you breeze in... | 0:11:58 | 0:12:02 | |
Are you a member of any staff or do you drop in to kids | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
and just go, "Right, quick, she's out the door, lock the door, right. I'm gonna tell you what really happens. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:11 | |
"All right, this is the situation." | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
-Is it right, by the way, that chalk has gone? -Chalk has gone. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:17 | |
-It's interactive dry whiteboards, am I right in saying that? -Yes. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
"That's right, yeah." You're just gonna say "yeah" in the hope that I go away at this stage. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:25 | |
Yes, teachers I have a sympathy for, simply because one of the great weapons in disciplining children... | 0:12:25 | 0:12:30 | |
Maybe the Daily Mail's right. Maybe kids have gone wild, for one reason - there's no blackboards. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:36 | |
How many of you went to school when there was a blackboard with chalk? CHEERING | 0:12:36 | 0:12:40 | |
Gone...gone in a generation. Interactive, dry whiteboards now. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
They write the whole thing and it appears on the screen. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
That's apparently the way of the future. I see a problem. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
It's very difficult to discipline children using an interactive screen. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:52 | |
Incredibly difficult to do, whereas chalk was magical. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
If a child misbehaved in the class, you just got two dusters and you banged them together. | 0:12:55 | 0:13:02 | |
A huge cloud would appear between you and the child. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
Then you punched them in the face! LAUGHTER | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
And when the dust gathered and when it all settled down | 0:13:13 | 0:13:17 | |
and you're looking at the child going, "My nose!" | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
You just go, "Did the cloud monster get you?" | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
"Oh, no! | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
"He's very angry. He doesn't like talking in class, the cloud monster, no." | 0:13:27 | 0:13:31 | |
You will never hear a word from that child again. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:35 | |
They also don't come in on days when there's fog. But that's kind of a... | 0:13:35 | 0:13:39 | |
..an unfortunate by-product of it all. So anyway, sorry... | 0:13:40 | 0:13:44 | |
Aggie, hello. Another famous person, | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
-Julia Bradbury from...not Crimewatch, the other one. -Watchdog. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:50 | |
Watchdog, that's it! I wouldn't want to get the wrong one in case you clamped down on me. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:55 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, please, the fantastic work they do. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
Fabulous work. Legendary... | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
Loving the work, loving the work Watchdog does in hassling small businesspeople. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:06 | |
There's nothing like it. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
"What are you doing making a profit taking money from old people?" "I, er..." "You're a monster!" | 0:14:08 | 0:14:14 | |
Do you know what you should give out about? This is a touring comic, and I've travelled around. Psychics... | 0:14:14 | 0:14:19 | |
-We do! -Do you? -We do. -They're glorious, aren't they? | 0:14:19 | 0:14:22 | |
They're almost funny. As con artists go, they are the funniest con artists in the countryside. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:27 | |
By the way, I will say into any camera, if there's any psychics there thinking, "Oh, I'll sue," | 0:14:27 | 0:14:32 | |
I'd love to see you sue. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
Could you imagine a court case against a psychic? "Do you have any witnesses?" | 0:14:34 | 0:14:39 | |
"They're all around." | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
How much fun would that be? | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
"Tell me, my old Uncle Kevin, who no-one can see but I can see, | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
"did this woman malign you?" | 0:14:46 | 0:14:47 | |
"Yes, she did," says the invisible man. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
It would be glorious. If you ever had any idea of going, it's nonsense. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
It's just people standing up going, "John, Julia, James... | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
"Gillian, Jo, Joe, Kevin, Mary... whatever, Bob." It's nonsense, right. | 0:14:57 | 0:15:02 | |
There's a woman who, for legal reasons, I'm not allowed to say what her name is, right. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:08 | |
-Is there a barrister in the room, by the way? Do we have a barrister here? -Yeah. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:12 | |
-Sorry, who? You are? What's your name, champ? -Mark. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
-Mark, what do you do? -Trainee solicitor. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
-So you don't get to appear in court, do you? -No. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
That's the whole fun of it though. That'll be the gas, just appearing, doing the walk in front of the jury. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:26 | |
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury..." That'd be the real gas of it all. You don't get that? | 0:15:26 | 0:15:31 | |
-No. -Here, let me try your instincts though. Maybe you made the right decision. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
When you get to the end of a jury, right, you're walking along... and you get to the end, right. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:40 | |
The jury's here, which way should you turn? | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
-Back on yourself. -Like this? -Yeah. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
That's why you wouldn't have made a good barrister. Just that moment there. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:50 | |
If you're ever representing yourself, walking along, "Blah, blah, blah..." | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
Your instinct will be to go, "Blah, blah, blah," and at the end go... | 0:15:53 | 0:15:57 | |
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." | 0:15:57 | 0:15:59 | |
"Blah, blah, blah... blah, blah, blah, blah." Wrong! | 0:15:59 | 0:16:02 | |
This is the way you do it. "Blah, blah, blah... | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
"But I ask you, when you look into the face of my client, ask yourself, is he not... | 0:16:04 | 0:16:10 | |
"not guilty? | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
That's how you do it, right. A little bit of showbiz, take it for free. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:18 | |
Anyway, this nameless psychic was on recently... Completely true story. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
..was on a couple of days before me in a theatre somewhere, right, and died roaring, couldn't do it. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:27 | |
To the point where the audience turned, they were looking at her going, "You can't do this. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:32 | |
"You're actually bad at this." They started taking the mickey. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:36 | |
They started going... Give me a name, give me a woman's name. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
-Tracey. -Tracey, perfect. Let's call her Tracey, right. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:43 | |
And the audience started going, "Tracey, what about my mother?" | 0:16:43 | 0:16:46 | |
And Tracey would go, "Is she dead?" | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
And they'd go, "No." | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
Another voice said, "Tracey, what about my sister?" | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
The woman goes, "Is she dead?" | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
They'd go, "No." | 0:17:01 | 0:17:03 | |
Eventually it was, "Tracey, what about my father?" | 0:17:03 | 0:17:07 | |
She goes, "Is he dead?" The voice goes, "Yeah!" | 0:17:07 | 0:17:10 | |
And she went, "Oh, now...something is coming through. Something is coming through." | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
And the voice goes, "Ah, no, he's here, sorry." | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
They're glorious. They're fantastic, fabulous people. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
We've had a chat with Aggie, we've talked to James, Julia there. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
Er, the one person I really wanted to talk to was Melissa from The Property Show. Where is that? | 0:17:29 | 0:17:34 | |
Hello, how are you? How's yourself, good to have you here. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
You do the property shows on BBC daytime, don't you? | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
-I do. -Well, you did. What are you gonna do next year? Not so much in the property now, is there? | 0:17:39 | 0:17:44 | |
That's a kind of a topical one there, isn't it? I was just thinking... | 0:17:46 | 0:17:50 | |
What, what? Are you gonna do a show called We're Staying Here? | 0:17:50 | 0:17:54 | |
Or, Actually The Schools Aren't That Bad. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
Do you know what my favourite is? | 0:17:59 | 0:18:00 | |
My absolute favourite, the best of all, right. Not Grand Designs, not Location, Location, | 0:18:00 | 0:18:05 | |
with respect, not Homes Under The Hammer. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
Property Ladder is the greatest property show in the world, right. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:13 | |
-For one simple reason, right. Property Ladder, you know the one I mean? -Yeah! -Very good. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:17 | |
Almost the greatest television show because uniquely, historically, it's the only television show, ever, | 0:18:17 | 0:18:23 | |
that has an expert that nobody pays a blind bit of notice to. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:28 | |
Every week Sarah Beeny comes in and goes, "Magnolia," and they go, "Ah, no, we're painting it black." | 0:18:28 | 0:18:34 | |
Every week she's going, "No, no, please what are you doing there?" | 0:18:34 | 0:18:37 | |
"We're digging a hole in the hallway to put a swimming pool in." "What?!" | 0:18:37 | 0:18:42 | |
She must be off camera going, "Why am I even here?! | 0:18:42 | 0:18:46 | |
"They don't even listen to a word I say! | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
"Every week I give advice and then they make a big profit | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
"and they think they're as good as me. Well, they're not!" | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
And she's in, she's out, she's in, she's out. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
It's a continuity disaster area, it really is, yeah. | 0:18:56 | 0:19:00 | |
I'm not saying anything against her being pregnant but it does kind of give away | 0:19:00 | 0:19:04 | |
how long it takes these people to do a bit of basic plumbing. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:07 | |
In the time it's taken them to plaster the back bedroom she's had four kids. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:12 | |
Just stick her in a poncho in episode one and be done with it, all right. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:16 | |
Make her Mexican, she can do the accent. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:19 | |
Come in on a donkey going, "So you want to develop the property, yes? | 0:19:19 | 0:19:23 | |
"Perhaps you'd like to knock through the wall and make this into a separate bedroom. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
"Many, many pesos for you if you can possibly do that." | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
Listen, we're gonna bring out a headline act, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
He's a very good friend. I've been working with him for a number of years. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:39 | |
I've seen him grow from just a tiny child, from a small, shy boy | 0:19:39 | 0:19:44 | |
into one of the finest stand-up comedians this country has. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:48 | |
I call him the dark heart of Mock The Week. I'd imagine many people will after you've seen him. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:53 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, could you please give it up for the one and only Mr Frankie Boyle. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:58 | |
CHEERING | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
Hello! | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
-Hello! -You've made an effort tonight, haven't you, little fella? | 0:20:26 | 0:20:31 | |
Looks like someone shaved a monkey and kicked it through Top Man. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:35 | |
I like this as well, buddy. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:43 | |
You've got your trousers pulled up so tight you've got one of those ball vaginas. | 0:20:43 | 0:20:48 | |
Did you see Amy Winehouse in the paper this week? | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
My God, she looks like a campaign poster for neglected horses. | 0:20:56 | 0:21:02 | |
We're quite tolerant of mutant celebrities, aren't we? | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
David Coulthard with that big jaw thing. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:14 | |
D'you reckon when he goes down on his wife it feels like she's being rescued by a dolphin? | 0:21:14 | 0:21:20 | |
Ann Widdecombe says that she's a virgin for religious reasons. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
The reason being that God made her incredibly ugly. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
John Prescott, you're talking about a guy who's so fat, | 0:21:41 | 0:21:46 | |
he can't wear a belt and a tie on the same day | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
or he'll turn into sausages. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
Recently, I was getting interviewed on a sofa with Macy Gray. | 0:21:56 | 0:22:01 | |
The dream team! | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
The interviewer goes, "Have you ever been a groupie?" | 0:22:04 | 0:22:07 | |
and Macy Gray, quite bizarrely, says, "Yes, | 0:22:07 | 0:22:11 | |
"for the actor Clive Owen and the basketball player Michael Jordan." | 0:22:11 | 0:22:16 | |
The interviewer said, "I hope that was on different nights." | 0:22:16 | 0:22:20 | |
And I said, | 0:22:20 | 0:22:22 | |
"At the very least, I hope they were at opposite ends, Macy." | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
Macy Gray doesn't have a sense of humour! | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
Youse worried about the credit crunch? | 0:22:34 | 0:22:36 | |
I like the new advert for the Halifax. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
It's just Howard hanging himself in a bathroom. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
It's a bit sick us getting worried when there are people in the world starving. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:50 | |
Things are going to have to get pretty bad before we can't afford to shop at Lidl. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:55 | |
I once did my entire weekly shop at Lidl in exchange for an amulet made from cat's teeth. | 0:22:55 | 0:23:01 | |
I saw Gordon Brown talking about it last night. Gordon Brown looks terrible. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:08 | |
He looks like a sad face somebody's drawn onto their scrotum. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:13 | |
Alastair Darling, I don't trust either. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
I don't trust anyone whose hair and eyebrows don't match. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:22 | |
I keep wondering what his pubes look like. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:25 | |
I wouldn't be surprised if he opened his flies and it was a big bunch of daffodils. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:30 | |
He looks tired as well. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:34 | |
Then, he does have to commute in every day from Tracy Island. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:37 | |
Brown says he wants to bring in super ASBOs. That sounds too cool. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:45 | |
Super ASBOs - teenagers are going to want those. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:49 | |
They should call them GAYBOs or bender badges. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
Brown says we need a national debate about whether Margaret Thatcher gets a state funeral. | 0:23:54 | 0:24:00 | |
The only debate most people are having is whether or not she needs to be dead before we bury her. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:06 | |
A £3 million funeral. For that money, you could buy everybody in Scotland | 0:24:06 | 0:24:10 | |
a shovel and we'd dig a hole so deep that we could hand her over to Satan personally. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:16 | |
George Bush says now he's retiring, he will make his living from speaking. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:29 | |
Play to your strengths there, George! | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
That's like Abu Hamza having a career doing shadow puppets. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:38 | |
Did anyone see the survey they did in America that said Osama bin Laden is now more famous than Michael Jackson? | 0:24:42 | 0:24:50 | |
You think, "Yeah, but he puts a lot less effort into his videos." | 0:24:50 | 0:24:53 | |
Poor old Michael Jackson has to live out the life of a Scooby-Doo villain. | 0:24:57 | 0:25:01 | |
Hanging around an abandoned funfair wearing a plastic face. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:05 | |
Catherine Zeta Jones lives in LA, but she has bottles of air imported from Wales. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:14 | |
When I want my house to smell like Wales, I just kick my dog until it farts. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:18 | |
It's weird the Beckhams went to LA - the home of stalkers. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
They were always worried about being kidnapped. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:28 | |
She'd be the perfect kidnap victim. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:30 | |
Imagine how cheap it would be to send her body parts back to the post. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:35 | |
What does he see in her? It must be like shagging a xylophone. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:43 | |
People fancy Sarah Palin. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:46 | |
"Governor of Alaska" is an incredible title. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:49 | |
Governor, serious and important, Alaska, shit. | 0:25:49 | 0:25:55 | |
It's like being voted most handsome man...in the burns unit. | 0:25:55 | 0:26:00 | |
Being an international footballer... for Scotland. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:06 | |
Glasgow was in the news recently, the scaremongering story that North Korea have missiles that can hit America. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:16 | |
It turned out the part of America the missiles could reach was Alaska. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:21 | |
Who is going to nuke the Eskimos? | 0:26:21 | 0:26:23 | |
You could take out one of their cities with a three-bar fire and a bag of salt. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:28 | |
A lot of scaremongering goes on. Did you see that guy they jailed a couple of months ago, | 0:26:30 | 0:26:34 | |
Osama bin London? | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
Is that the stage it's got to - tribute acts? | 0:26:36 | 0:26:40 | |
The Sun, without irony, described him as Abu Hamza's right-hand man. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:46 | |
We've got Barack Obama as president. Incredible... | 0:26:48 | 0:26:52 | |
when you consider he has the worst name you could have in American politics. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:57 | |
Obama, halfway between "Osama" | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
and "a bomber". | 0:27:00 | 0:27:02 | |
He might as well be called Muslim O'Gun-bomb. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
He's not just popular with black Americans, | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
but with white Americans because they think he's Tiger Woods. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:19 | |
He came to Berlin and got a standing ovation from 20,000 people. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:28 | |
Let's not forget the last man to get a standing ovation | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
from 20,000 people in Berlin was the most evil man in history. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:36 | |
David Hasselhoff. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
Did he see his first speech after the election? | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 | |
They put bullet-proof glass up in front of him. | 0:27:47 | 0:27:51 | |
That shows you how racist America still is. | 0:27:51 | 0:27:54 | |
Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:58 | |
How are you doing, little fella? | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
You look a bit trendy for this crowd. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 | |
The rest of it looks like the cantina scene from Star Wars. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:16 | |
-What's your story, what do you do? -A barman. | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
-A barman? -Yes. -If you keep smiling, that doesn't mean I'll move along! | 0:28:18 | 0:28:23 | |
I like what you've done with your hair, man. | 0:28:25 | 0:28:27 | |
You look like a moderately powerful Pokemon. | 0:28:27 | 0:28:30 | |
Are youse looking forward to the Olympics in London? | 0:28:35 | 0:28:38 | |
AUDIENCE MUTTER | 0:28:38 | 0:28:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:39 | 0:28:41 | |
That's a fairly firm "no". A low zombie groan. | 0:28:41 | 0:28:46 | |
Urrrrrrghhh. | 0:28:46 | 0:28:47 | |
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. | 0:28:47 | 0:28:51 | |
It means the athletes'll have to use extra skill | 0:28:51 | 0:28:53 | |
to work out which of the gunshots they heard was the starting pistol. | 0:28:53 | 0:28:57 | |
Glasgow has the Commonwealth Games. | 0:29:00 | 0:29:02 | |
Be good to finally see an international athletics event where the crowd fail a drugs test. | 0:29:02 | 0:29:09 | |
I'm looking forward to our opening ceremony. | 0:29:11 | 0:29:13 | |
Seeing them lighting that torch from a smouldering Ford Focus. | 0:29:13 | 0:29:17 | |
You want to see more drugs in sport? I want to see a lot more drugs in sport. | 0:29:20 | 0:29:25 | |
Do you want to see someone running the 100 metres in 9.78 seconds, | 0:29:25 | 0:29:28 | |
or do you want to see them running it in three seconds? | 0:29:28 | 0:29:30 | |
I don't want to see Dwain Chambers running on steroids, I want to see him | 0:29:30 | 0:29:34 | |
running with the legs of a kangaroo and the heart of a leopard. | 0:29:34 | 0:29:39 | |
I would see him run so fast that halfway through the race, | 0:29:39 | 0:29:42 | |
he disappears like the car from Back To The Future, | 0:29:42 | 0:29:46 | |
reappears at the finish line as an old man shouting, "Beware China!" | 0:29:46 | 0:29:49 | |
and then crumbles into dust. | 0:29:49 | 0:29:52 | |
Usain Bolt won that race in 9.69 seconds. | 0:29:55 | 0:29:59 | |
I can't do anything in that time. | 0:29:59 | 0:30:01 | |
It took me 10 seconds to watch him do that. | 0:30:01 | 0:30:04 | |
He won that race slowing down. | 0:30:06 | 0:30:09 | |
How galling is that for the other runners? | 0:30:09 | 0:30:11 | |
The only way it could have been worse would've been if he'd stopped before the finish line, | 0:30:11 | 0:30:15 | |
got his camera phone out and gone, "Hurry up, I'm trying to get us all in this one." | 0:30:15 | 0:30:19 | |
Michael Phelps was too good as well. | 0:30:21 | 0:30:24 | |
It's gonna be boring at the London Olympics unless we make Phelps | 0:30:24 | 0:30:29 | |
swim in the conditions the British swimmers had to train in. | 0:30:29 | 0:30:32 | |
Let's see how good he is once he has to get past a fat guy doing widths. | 0:30:32 | 0:30:37 | |
What was disappointing about the Olympics was the female athletes are now so fast, | 0:30:40 | 0:30:46 | |
it's almost impossible to crack one off over the course of a race. | 0:30:46 | 0:30:50 | |
I had to pick a woman quite early on in the hurdles and hope she fell. | 0:30:52 | 0:30:57 | |
That's a joke, but it's also what I actually did. | 0:31:00 | 0:31:03 | |
The great thing in Scottish football games at Hampden where you're not allowed to bring food | 0:31:06 | 0:31:11 | |
into the ground and they search you when you go in to make sure you've not got food on you. | 0:31:11 | 0:31:17 | |
It's nice to see we've got our priorities right. | 0:31:17 | 0:31:20 | |
"What's this, son, a knife? | 0:31:20 | 0:31:22 | |
"I hope you weren't planning on making sandwiches." | 0:31:22 | 0:31:24 | |
We are a brutal culture. Did you see the story of the head that got washed up on a beach in Arbroath? | 0:31:30 | 0:31:36 | |
It was children that found it, which I thought was particularly sad | 0:31:36 | 0:31:40 | |
because you know there will have been a point | 0:31:40 | 0:31:42 | |
when they'll have thought that was someone buried up to their neck in the sand, | 0:31:42 | 0:31:47 | |
then the next day, the limbs get washed ashore in a suitcase. | 0:31:47 | 0:31:50 | |
The people of Arbroath were in shock. They'd never never seen a suitcase before. | 0:31:50 | 0:31:54 | |
I heard a brilliant Scottish story the other day. My pal is a magician. | 0:31:58 | 0:32:02 | |
He does magic at weddings. He did a wedding a couple of weeks ago | 0:32:02 | 0:32:06 | |
where the groom was wearing a kilt and for the photos, he sat on the bride's knee | 0:32:06 | 0:32:11 | |
and left a skid mark on her dress. | 0:32:11 | 0:32:14 | |
Somewhere in there is an incredible advert for Daz. | 0:32:20 | 0:32:25 | |
I was trying to think of what is the shittest Scottish town, which obviously took me a while. | 0:32:30 | 0:32:35 | |
I decided it was Coatbridge. | 0:32:35 | 0:32:38 | |
If you ever get a chance to go there, go. | 0:32:38 | 0:32:40 | |
It's like Blade Runner without the special effects. | 0:32:40 | 0:32:43 | |
Basically, the town's pride took a knock recently | 0:32:43 | 0:32:47 | |
when they found out the people of Ethiopia were holding a rock concert for them. | 0:32:47 | 0:32:52 | |
There is a beautiful detail I think encapsulates the place. | 0:32:54 | 0:32:58 | |
Last time I was there, they had one takeaway restaurant which is a Chinese | 0:32:58 | 0:33:03 | |
called by Bon Appetit. | 0:33:03 | 0:33:07 | |
I read a great thing the other day. | 0:33:12 | 0:33:14 | |
Scientists are going to start treating alcoholism with LSD. | 0:33:14 | 0:33:19 | |
That's going to make tramps very different people. | 0:33:19 | 0:33:23 | |
"Any spare change, pal? I've got a unicorn to feed." | 0:33:23 | 0:33:27 | |
Have you heard this science thing that the human female | 0:33:31 | 0:33:34 | |
has exactly the same pheromone scent as an orang-utan female? | 0:33:34 | 0:33:38 | |
It was news to me. I'll never wear a blindfold again. | 0:33:38 | 0:33:41 | |
She told me she was a Geordie. | 0:33:42 | 0:33:45 | |
Viagra is overrated. | 0:33:48 | 0:33:50 | |
Viagra takes half an hour to have any effect. | 0:33:50 | 0:33:54 | |
I often find in that time, the woman has managed to wriggle free. | 0:33:54 | 0:33:58 | |
Have you ever heard that if you put a frog into boiling water, it'll jump out, | 0:34:03 | 0:34:08 | |
but if you put it into cold water, and heat the water up, the frog won't realise and it'll die? | 0:34:08 | 0:34:15 | |
To put it another way, scientists have got a lot of time on their hands. | 0:34:15 | 0:34:21 | |
"Shall we have a go at curing cancer?" | 0:34:21 | 0:34:23 | |
"No, I'm going to see how many Fruit Pastilles it takes to choke a kestrel." | 0:34:23 | 0:34:29 | |
Got all these environmental problems now. | 0:34:35 | 0:34:37 | |
Apparently in 20 years' time, Norwich will be completely underwater, | 0:34:37 | 0:34:41 | |
and the locals are delighted because they'll finally get a chance to use their webbed feet and hands. | 0:34:41 | 0:34:46 | |
A lot of stuff's bad for the environment, isn't it? | 0:34:48 | 0:34:51 | |
4x4s are just too big, aren't they? | 0:34:51 | 0:34:53 | |
I mean, often now, when I'm out dogging... | 0:34:53 | 0:34:57 | |
I find I have to stand on someone's shoulders | 0:34:57 | 0:35:02 | |
just to get my balls onto the windshield. | 0:35:02 | 0:35:04 | |
Ryanair are getting a hard time from the environmental lobby cos they want to introduce an £8 flight | 0:35:08 | 0:35:13 | |
to New York. Although, as always with Ryanair, it does land slightly outside New York... | 0:35:13 | 0:35:20 | |
in Dublin. | 0:35:20 | 0:35:21 | |
Did you see Kerry Katona on This Morning? | 0:35:26 | 0:35:28 | |
That was one of the saddest, one of the very saddest wanks that I've ever had. | 0:35:30 | 0:35:34 | |
She's got a new perfume out, and it must be good, cos it looks like she's drinking about four bottles a day. | 0:35:39 | 0:35:45 | |
I think Grand Designs is going to be brilliant during the credit crunch. | 0:35:47 | 0:35:51 | |
"I've got a budget of £4. | 0:35:51 | 0:35:53 | |
"Thought I might paint the door." | 0:35:54 | 0:35:57 | |
So patronising, those property programmes, aren't they? I saw one. This is true. | 0:36:01 | 0:36:06 | |
It said, "If someone's coming round to view your house, remember, open the curtains and tidy up." | 0:36:06 | 0:36:12 | |
Oh, thanks for that, guys. I was planning on redecorating using diarrhoea pills and stencils, | 0:36:14 | 0:36:19 | |
and then shaving the word "welcome" into my dog's back. | 0:36:19 | 0:36:23 | |
That's a joke. I don't have a dog, obviously. | 0:36:26 | 0:36:29 | |
Having pets is tragic. | 0:36:29 | 0:36:31 | |
Having a pet is basically saying, "Hey, I've tried to find love among my own species... | 0:36:31 | 0:36:38 | |
"and I've failed." | 0:36:38 | 0:36:40 | |
Is there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog picking up dog shit? | 0:36:40 | 0:36:45 | |
I suppose someone maybe without a dog. I don't know. | 0:36:47 | 0:36:50 | |
Vet - that looks like a good job. | 0:36:54 | 0:36:56 | |
I don't know how long I could be a vet before I got bored and started shagging stuff. | 0:36:56 | 0:37:01 | |
I'd shag an owl.. | 0:37:03 | 0:37:05 | |
cos it could give you eye contact whatever position you've taken. | 0:37:05 | 0:37:09 | |
Or shag a kitten. | 0:37:12 | 0:37:14 | |
Imagine having sex with something you actually wanted to cuddle afterwards. | 0:37:14 | 0:37:19 | |
What I'm actually most into myself is leather. | 0:37:23 | 0:37:26 | |
Well, I say leather, | 0:37:26 | 0:37:28 | |
I mean, older women. | 0:37:28 | 0:37:30 | |
I do love old people, and do you know what? | 0:37:33 | 0:37:34 | |
It's sick that we live in a country where the Government will bail out banks and bankers. | 0:37:34 | 0:37:40 | |
They won't make sure that old people can survive the winter. So what I told my gran, | 0:37:40 | 0:37:45 | |
I told her to change her name by deed poll | 0:37:45 | 0:37:47 | |
to Mrs HBOS and say that she pissed all her money away at the bingo. | 0:37:47 | 0:37:52 | |
Sure enough, the next day, a cheque turns up for £5 billion! | 0:37:52 | 0:37:56 | |
Now she's got her heating up full blast and it should last about two weeks. | 0:37:56 | 0:38:01 | |
I'll try and think if I've got any cheerful jokes at all. | 0:38:03 | 0:38:07 | |
Yes, as a man, never get a Brazilian, | 0:38:08 | 0:38:13 | |
because when you get a hard-on, you'll look like a sundial at noon. | 0:38:13 | 0:38:17 | |
How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage? | 0:38:22 | 0:38:26 | |
Another two, if I move my bike. | 0:38:26 | 0:38:28 | |
The smoking ban's really taken off in Scotland. | 0:38:33 | 0:38:36 | |
Every pub, no matter how shit, now has tables and chairs outside. | 0:38:36 | 0:38:42 | |
Basically, Glasgow looks like Paris after a nuclear war. | 0:38:42 | 0:38:48 | |
The best ads are those anti-drinking adverts. | 0:38:48 | 0:38:52 | |
They're like the least effective adverts ever. | 0:38:52 | 0:38:55 | |
There's always a drunk woman tottering about on high heels or a drunk woman falling over. | 0:38:55 | 0:39:00 | |
I always watch those and I go, "That's right. | 0:39:00 | 0:39:02 | |
"There are drunk women out there. I'll get my coat on." | 0:39:02 | 0:39:06 | |
Did you see the story of the refugees who were found in a raft, | 0:39:09 | 0:39:14 | |
and they'd survived on the raft for two weeks by eating the other people who'd died? | 0:39:14 | 0:39:21 | |
They said if things had got any worse, they were going to open the fridge full of Ginsters pasties. | 0:39:21 | 0:39:26 | |
You can eat roadkill. Have you seen this? | 0:39:26 | 0:39:30 | |
My pal got me a recipe book for roadkill. | 0:39:30 | 0:39:32 | |
So I got some roadkill, I followed the recipe, it was delicious. | 0:39:32 | 0:39:37 | |
I still don't know what to do with his bike. | 0:39:37 | 0:39:40 | |
Political correctness has changed everything, hasn't it? | 0:39:44 | 0:39:47 | |
Apparently at Christmas now, we're not supposed to say "fairy lights" any more, | 0:39:47 | 0:39:52 | |
cos it might be homophobic. | 0:39:52 | 0:39:53 | |
Apparently now, we've got to call them "poof lanterns". | 0:39:53 | 0:39:57 | |
It's not politically correct to talk about women who wear veils. | 0:39:59 | 0:40:02 | |
I don't care if they wear a veil or not. | 0:40:02 | 0:40:04 | |
It's when you see them in London, taking photos of each other as tourists. | 0:40:04 | 0:40:08 | |
What's the point? | 0:40:08 | 0:40:11 | |
"Could you take that one again? I blinked." | 0:40:11 | 0:40:15 | |
I think it's important for women not to let men tell you | 0:40:16 | 0:40:19 | |
what's attractive, cos men don't know what's attractive. | 0:40:19 | 0:40:22 | |
Belly-button piercings aren't sexy. | 0:40:22 | 0:40:25 | |
Men just think they're sexy because it reminds them of the staple in a porno mag. | 0:40:25 | 0:40:30 | |
I like the way men lie and go, "Oh, I couldn't sleep with younger women. | 0:40:34 | 0:40:39 | |
"I mean, what would you talk to them about afterwards?" | 0:40:39 | 0:40:42 | |
I don't know, how they're planning on getting home? | 0:40:42 | 0:40:45 | |
I've got kids now. I've got a wee boy. He's just turned one. | 0:40:49 | 0:40:53 | |
Starting to get a bit sick of him, to be honest. | 0:40:53 | 0:40:56 | |
I went to the birth and it really did bring home that whole wonder, | 0:40:59 | 0:41:02 | |
I suppose, miracle, that is contraception. | 0:41:02 | 0:41:05 | |
Watching a birth is like watching the deleted scenes from Platoon. | 0:41:07 | 0:41:12 | |
I've got a wee girl as well. | 0:41:12 | 0:41:14 | |
She's four. You know what people don't tell you? | 0:41:14 | 0:41:17 | |
Kids are a fantastic way of meeting women. | 0:41:17 | 0:41:19 | |
A real conversation starter, especially if you get 'em little cute tops, | 0:41:19 | 0:41:24 | |
saying "Future DJ", that kind of thing. So my daughter's four. | 0:41:24 | 0:41:28 | |
I've got her a lovely little pink top that says "My Mummy's Dead". | 0:41:28 | 0:41:34 | |
You know, the brilliant thing with kids is, sometimes, you're just in that kid mode, | 0:41:43 | 0:41:48 | |
and you don't even have them with you, | 0:41:48 | 0:41:50 | |
and you'll just say things that have never been said in human history. | 0:41:50 | 0:41:54 | |
I went to the supermarket recently. | 0:41:54 | 0:41:56 | |
I didn't have the kids with me, but I was in that mode. | 0:41:56 | 0:41:59 | |
And I picked up the cheese and went, "Hello, Mr Cheese." | 0:41:59 | 0:42:03 | |
And this guy beside me got really angry | 0:42:04 | 0:42:08 | |
cos he thought I was talking to him. | 0:42:08 | 0:42:10 | |
And I had to turn to this guy and go, "I wasn't talking to you, pal. | 0:42:10 | 0:42:15 | |
"I was talking to the cheese." | 0:42:15 | 0:42:17 | |
I was having breakfast with my daughter a couple of months ago. This is true. | 0:42:20 | 0:42:25 | |
My daughter goes, "Daddy, what's the best thing in the world?" | 0:42:25 | 0:42:29 | |
I didn't even have to think about it. I said, "Darling, you're the best thing in the world. | 0:42:29 | 0:42:33 | |
"I don't even have to think about it. It's definitely you". | 0:42:33 | 0:42:36 | |
And she sat there for a bit and then she went, | 0:42:36 | 0:42:39 | |
"For me, it's sausages." | 0:42:39 | 0:42:41 | |
Hammersmith, it's been a pleasure. Take care of yourselves. Good night! | 0:42:43 | 0:42:47 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:47 | 0:42:50 | |
CHEERING AND WHISTLING | 0:42:59 | 0:43:01 | |
I know. I know, I know what you're thinking. | 0:43:06 | 0:43:09 | |
You're thinking, "God, it's my child's eighth birthday coming up." | 0:43:09 | 0:43:13 | |
That would be perfect for the kids' birthday party, wouldn't it? | 0:43:13 | 0:43:16 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to the end of our show. | 0:43:16 | 0:43:21 | |
Thanks for coming along from everyone at Live At The Apollo. | 0:43:21 | 0:43:24 | |
And from myself, Dara O Briain, from Frankie Boyle, we'll see you again. Thank you very much. Good night. | 0:43:24 | 0:43:30 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:43:34 | 0:43:36 | |
Email [email protected] | 0:43:36 | 0:43:39 |