Episode 8 Live at the Apollo


Episode 8

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Transcript


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'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

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'Jack Whitehall!'

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Live at the Apollo.

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CHEERING

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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we have a cracking show in store for you this evening.

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You are in for a treat.

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And let me say, you look like you deserve it.

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This looks like a beautiful audience.

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-CHEERING

-Oh, yeah.

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Some beautiful faces in here.

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And also a couple of famous faces as well. Oh, yes.

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A star-studded audience tonight in the Hammersmith Apollo.

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Kerry Katona is in the house.

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CHEERING

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Oh, yeah. Kerry Katona.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I love Kerry!

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I watched Kerry, I watched you on the Big Brother.

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Celebrity Big Brother.

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I wasn't sure, about this series of Celebrity Big Brother,

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truth be told.

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I thought quite a predictable series, Celebrity Big Brother.

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It was won by a gypsy.

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Well, obviously he was going to be the last one to get evicted.

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No, it's nice to have you here, Kerry.

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It's lovely everyone has come out to the Hammersmith Apollo

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to have a laugh, to enjoy yourselves

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because I think, on the whole,

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we are quite a grumpy nation. We are a grumpy nation of people

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but I think that's something that we should celebrate.

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Celebrate how grumpy we are

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because that's what makes us British, and if we weren't like this

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we'd be like Americans, and we don't want that.

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There are some things in this great country, oh, yeah,

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there are some things that we will never have,

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and we need to embrace that. Like customer service.

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We are never going to have customer service in the UK.

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They love that shit in America. I don't want it here.

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Go into a shop in the UK, you know what you're getting put through, yeah?

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Like your phone shop, for example.

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You walk into the Carphone Warehouse, you know the drill.

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You know if you go to Carphone Warehouse you can get ignored for days.

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LAUGHTER

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There'll be a corpse where an elderly gentleman's

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tried to upgrade without his wife there to help,

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and even when you do get assistance

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it's going to be from some patronising little suited teenager,

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constantly asking you, "How many minutes you talk in a month, bruv?"

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When you leave the shop, you feel like you've earned your phone.

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I broke my phone when I was in America.

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I had to go into the Apple Store in New York.

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Oh, my God! The Apple Store in New York

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is like a big, white, glistening cathedral

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of twats!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Before you even have your foot in the door,

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there's a wank-tard in your face.

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"Hey, buddy, my name's Drew.

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What brings you to the Apple Store today, hombre?"

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"I'm here to buy a phone, not make a friend. Piss off."

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They genuinely applaud the first customer in of the day -

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the Apple Store in New York -

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they all stand around applauding the idiot as he walks in.

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"Whoo, we love you, man, customer number one, you rock."

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Can you imagine getting away with that at a phone shop in the UK?

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I think not!

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T-Mobile in the Westfield Shopping Centre?

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The only customer getting applauded is the last one OUT of the day.

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"Oh, thank Christ you've gone, mate.

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"We can all go down the pub, you BlackBerry wanker!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I don't like customer service.

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And it works both ways as well.

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When I was in America I needed to use the train, and I was on the platform,

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and I saw a poster in one of the stations, right?

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It had on it one of their rail employees -

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she was there, all made up, her eyes full of life and hope.

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She had a smile across her face,

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and then underneath it, a little slogan,

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"Hey, you got enough snacks for the journey? Enjoy your trip."

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Compare that to the posters you get up and down this great island

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on every single station platform. What is it?

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A poster of a National Rail employee with a massive black eye.

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"Please don't hit our staff."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Yeah.

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Some stuff will never ever make the crossover.

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Like, customer service is one of them but there's so many more that I've noticed.

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Like, Skins is another interesting example.

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Skins, the popular teen drama, was huge here.

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It ran for, like, five, six series.

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We sold it to America and they cancelled it after one season,

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and the reason they gave for cancelling it

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is because they didn't want to watch it because, in America,

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they'd decided that Skins was unrealistic -

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it depicted young adults unrealistically going out,

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indulging in sexual practices, drinking alcoholic beverages

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and, reality check UK, that is unrealistic.

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We do not want to watch that here in the USA.

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Oh, I'm sorry, America(!) Look at us with our ludicrous English writers,

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coming up with these ridiculously far-fetched situations

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where teenagers go out, enjoy themselves,

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sleep around and have a little bit too much to drink,

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rather than walking into their schools and shooting each other

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whilst being morbidly obese.

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They take everything, they take all of our best TV.

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Saddest news I have had in recent times

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is that the Americans have stolen from us

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one of our great British institutions -

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they've taken Jeremy Kyle!

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He's going to Florida. What am I going to do?

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How am I going to spend my days? Jeremy Kyle is what I watch.

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Jeremy Kyle is my only way of working out what makes relationships work.

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That's my go-to guy,

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and now I don't have him any more.

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If you've never been, I implore you to go,

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cos I went to Manchester to the Jeremy Kyle studio

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and I witnessed one of the most incredible scenes I had ever seen,

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cos I saw a man take on Jeremy Kyle and nearly walk away the victor.

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It was beautiful, cos when he walked into the studio, I didn't give him a hope in hell, right?

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His name was Spider, right?

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He was wearing a matching shell suit and cap.

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I was like, "Oh, my God, man, Jeremy Kyle is going to chew you up and spit you up the other end,

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"and you know what, I hope he gets done with you quickly,

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"so we can get on to the squabbling sisters that are both having sex

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"with the same guy, cos that's what I came this afternoon!"

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But right from the outset, Spider showed some serious promise.

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Kyle started off with a standard Jeremy Kyle opening round

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little teaser question.

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He was like, "So, Spider, tell me,

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"why don't you see much of your children?"

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Quick as a flash, Spider's like, "Well, Jeremy,

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"to be perfectly honest, the reason that

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"I don't see much of my children is cos I've gotta work two jobs -

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"one during the day, and then I've also gotta do a night shift

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"to earn enough money to pay them

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"the child support that they deserve."

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I sat up in my chair. I was like, "Ooh, this guy's good!"

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"What have you got next, Kyle?" Kyle coils back for another blow.

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He's like, "So, Spider, I hear...

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"I hear that you're a bit of a drinker."

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Ooh, it's a low blow, the sobriety test early on.

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This is gonna see whether Spider's got what it takes

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to go the full 12 rounds.

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"Well, Jeremy, I admit that I was a little bit of a drinker.

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"But I have sought professional guidance and help.

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"I've attended various AA meetings,

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"and I am now proud to say that I have been sober for three years."

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What the hell is going on here?!

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Have I just witnessed a man

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sidestep Jeremy Kyle two times in a row?!

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That's not in the script!

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Maybe the matador has finally met his match

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in this deadly dance of death.

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"What do you want next, Kyle? You're on the ropes."

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He swoops down to his side. He pulls up an envelope.

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We all know what that means. It's lie detector time!

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"Spider, we asked you under lie detector whether you had ever

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"cheated with Rachel when you were in a relationship with her.

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"You said that you hadn't. You were in fact...

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"..telling the truth?"

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OMG. FML. The audience then cheered for Spider.

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I was like, "I am gonna be telling my grandchildren about this shit!

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"We've sided with Spider! This is like Rocky IV.

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"We're the Russians and we're cheering for Rocky!"

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Kyle didn't know what to do.

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Blood was streaming.

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He had one last throw of the dice, and it needed to be doubles,

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cos he was in jail right then.

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He put his hand up to his ear. He was calling in for backup!

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He goes, "Spider, I've had a word with our researchers,

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"and they tell me that you have a motto."

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Oh, Jeremy! Is that all you've got? A motto?

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Of course Spider's got a motto.

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We've already established that this gentleman is not a mug.

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You thought he'd walk into the studio without a motto?

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Oh, Jeremy, don't be ridiculous!

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Well, come on, Spider, old buddy, old pal,

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tell Jeremy what your motto is.

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Put him to the sword, and then you can parade round the studio

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with his head on a blooded spike.

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What's the motto gonna be, Spider? We can't wait! Carpe diem?

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Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself?

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Mother knows best? Complete silence befell the studio.

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Spider pursed his lips, suddenly elevated like Moses on the mound.

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We looked at him, and then, "Well, Jeremy,

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"if a woman can give a punch, she can take one."

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I learned a valuable lesson that day!

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Relationships do not require mottos.

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I had for some time been wanting to get into a relationship

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and, lo and behold, I met the woman of my dreams. She was incredible, right?

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As soon as we start going out the problems start emerging

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cos, when I first met her she was great,

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but as soon as the relationship became official, she changed.

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When I first met her she was cool, she was funny, exciting.

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She said she was bi. I was like, "Oooh! Sexy!"

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Turns out she meant bipolar. She was...

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LAUGHTER

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And she scared me as well, like, she intimidated me.

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The older woman. She liked things I wasn't comfortable with, in the bedroom, for example.

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That was a nightmare, because she liked to be experimental in the bedroom.

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When it comes to the bedroom, I'm quite English about the whole thing.

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Quite sort of English Victorian, right?

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I want three minutes in the dark, then we both roll over,

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assume the foetal position and cry for a bit.

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That's how it should be done, right?

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None of this talking, as well. I hate the talking.

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This is the element I can't stand.

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They say during sex that a woman should lie back and think of England.

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I think they should lie back and think of London, specifically, London Underground.

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Don't make any eye contact and don't dare start a conversation.

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This girl, she was obsessed with doing all the talking,

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and I'd warned her, I had warned her, people,

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this voice does not work in the bedroom.

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It is not a sexy voice, so stop trying to make me dirty talk,

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but she persisted in doing it. She tried to trick me.

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She'd be like, "Oh, Jack, tell me I've been a bad girl."

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-SLIGHTLY EFFEMINATE TONE:

-"You've been a bad girl."

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"How bad?" "I don't know. Is there a scale?

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"Worse than a looter, not as bad as Harold Shipman. Are you happy?"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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There were so many problems with our relationship, so many issues.

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The major one was that her friends didn't like me

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and, as a guy, if a girl's friends don't like you, you are screwed.

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There's nothing you can do.

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It's like laws of the animal kingdom. Girls are like a pride,

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they're gracious, they look after, nurture the weakest of the group.

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Guys don't give a shit.

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They will kick out the weakest to rot in the sun.

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If you want to observe this in all of its beauty,

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the savannah, if you will, is the airport.

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When you see groups of girls and groups of guys

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going as lads and girls on tour, to like, Ayia Napa, Ibiza, Magaluf,

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and it all starts in the airports with the tour T-shirts

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and the tour hoodies they've had made up.

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You see the girls with their little wheelies,

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their little neatly ironed pink hoodies they've organised months in advance,

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with little nicknames, on the back, in glitter...

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Except with girls it's not nicknames, is it?

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It's character building.

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They'll find any positive about their friends and celebrate it.

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It's incredible to see.

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You'll see the group of girls and at the back

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there'll be this 300-tonne hunk of ham

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with like, a gammy leg, chins growing out of their ears

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you didn't even know a chin could grow out of.

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She reaches herself round to see if there's a queue outside Greggs,

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and on her back in glitter it just says, "Angel Eyes".

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You can't deny her eyes are gorgeous.

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They follow you around the room, because one of them is lazy.

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Next to them in the queue you've got the guys,

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they're crawling over a bin liner full of T-shirts,

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desperate to get the one that says "Shagger."

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And then they start dishing them out amongst their friends,

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except with them it's not nicknames. It's character assassination,

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with no wit or reason to it whatsoever.

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It's just like, "Dick Splash," "Shithead," "Tit Face,"

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some poor guy in a wheelchair getting forced into one that says "Top Gear."

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It's cruel.

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He's not even part of their group.

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And they get on the holiday,

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it's no different when they're actually on the holiday.

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Groups of girls on holiday, if they're sunbathing on the beach,

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and one of them falls asleep in the sun, they'll wake them up.

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That's what they do.

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A guy wouldn't dream of doing that.

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The girls, it's like, "Angel Eyes, Angel Eyes,

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"wake up! You're falling asleep in the sun.

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"You're burning all over your shoulders. Girls, quickly, get some suntan!

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"We're going to need more than that. Come on, girls.

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"It'll be all right. We're looking out for you

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"cos we're BFF, friends for ever."

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LAUGHTER

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Further on down the beach, "Oi, what's Jay doing?" "Shh!"

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"He's fallen asleep in the midday sun." "Oh, wow!"

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"Shall we put some suntan lotion on him?" "Yeah!"

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"I'll draw the balls, you do the shaft."

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LAUGHTER

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Yes. It's very funny, isn't it, Hammersmith Apollo?

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Laugh it all up. That will take weeks to go!

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LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

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APPLAUSE

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WHISTLING

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Someone wolf-whistled. That was NOT sexy.

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"Yeah, that's how I like my guys - with a cock on their chest."

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Maybe Kerry.

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No, I didn't...

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I couldn't resist!

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The relationship, it didn't last.

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And it WAS my fault. It was a Friday night when it happened,

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because she had arranged dinner and then a movie. That sounds quite fun,

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but it is not fun, because she's a sophisticated, mature woman.

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This was a sophisticated, mature dinner,

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and I hate going to fancy restaurants on dates,

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because if you go to a fancy restaurant on a date,

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they make you look like an idiot. If you take a girl on a date,

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you need to go somewhere where you can look like you're in control,

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which is why, if you're ever taking a girl on a date,

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there is only one place, and one place alone, you can take them.

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Any takers?

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-AUDIENCE: Nando's.

-Nando's!

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Correct!

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Nando's is where you take them,

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because if you go to Nando's you can look like you know your shit.

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You arrive at Nando's early. You're greeted at the door.

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"Hello, has sir ever been to Nando's before?"

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"Yes, I have, my good man,

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"and we both know you'll be doing absolutely bugger all this evening, so stand aside!"

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Take that booth in the corner.

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"Ooh, banquette seating, nice for scooching up together when this gets interesting later on."

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First, time for the wine. "What would Madame like?

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"A dry Sancerre or a crisp Sauvignon Blanc?"

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Doesn't matter, it's Nando's. They both taste exactly the same.

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Which leads us on to the food.

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"Do you like chicken?" Good, cos it's all chicken.

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I already know what I'm getting.

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It's a double chicken breast in a pitta, lemon and herb spice,

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but at the last minute, I'm asking the guy at the counter

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to swap the little flags round

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so he can put in one that says it's extra hot,

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so when I'm eating it she thinks that I'm hard as nails.

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"Would sir like cheese and pineapple with that?" Why does anyone want cheese and pineapple with chicken?

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It makes no logical sense. Her dinner has arrived.

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She's ordered two sides, one of macho peas, one of witty repartee.

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At this point in proceedings, ladies and gentlemen,

0:17:480:17:51

she is eating out of the palm of my hand,

0:17:510:17:54

mainly because I've forgotten to get the bloody cutlery from the tooling-up desk.

0:17:540:17:58

But it doesn't matter,

0:17:580:18:00

because he's about to ask the question every woman asks.

0:18:000:18:03

This is the killer, this is make or break time -

0:18:030:18:05

whether she'll get into the cab with you or not.

0:18:050:18:08

She turns to me, looks lovingly into my eyes and says,

0:18:080:18:10

"Jack, what's peri-peri?"

0:18:100:18:14

Ooh. "A very, very good question, my dear."

0:18:140:18:17

This is the final penalty in the shoot-out at Wembley. This is make or break time.

0:18:170:18:21

A very good question. What is peri-peri?

0:18:210:18:24

I'll let you into a secret, Hammersmith Apollo. It's a good question, but also one

0:18:240:18:28

nobody actually knows the answer to,

0:18:280:18:31

so you can make up whatever the hell you like

0:18:310:18:33

and she's still going to be impressed.

0:18:330:18:35

"Peri-peri, my dear, is a blend of aromatic spices

0:18:350:18:39

"bonded together by tears of Portuguese widows who lost their husbands at sea.

0:18:390:18:42

"El hombre est il mort."

0:18:420:18:45

And she's mine!

0:18:450:18:47

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:470:18:50

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time to move on with proceedings.

0:18:550:18:59

Our first act this evening, he's a lovely guy.

0:18:590:19:01

He's an incredible stand-up. You are absolutely going to love him.

0:19:010:19:05

You're in for a treat. Ladies and gentlemen,

0:19:050:19:07

will you please give a warm welcome to the stage

0:19:070:19:10

to the wonderful Josh Widdicombe.

0:19:100:19:13

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:130:19:16

Hello.

0:19:260:19:29

CHEERING

0:19:290:19:30

-Yes. Are you well?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.

0:19:300:19:33

I struggle with those questions. I never know what to answer.

0:19:330:19:36

I'm only confident answering a question

0:19:360:19:38

is when I'm at my computer, like when your computer crashes,

0:19:380:19:41

it comes on and goes, "Your computer's just crashed. Do you want to send a report?"

0:19:410:19:46

No.

0:19:470:19:48

I'm not a grass.

0:19:490:19:50

LAUGHTER

0:19:500:19:52

If I was going to grass up my computer I wouldn't via my computer. He'll know.

0:19:520:19:56

I'll be grassing him up, he'll start grassing me up,

0:19:560:19:59

he's got far more on me than I have on him, I can tell you.

0:19:590:20:03

It's nice to be in Hammersmith.

0:20:050:20:06

I've moved to London, area called Finsbury Park.

0:20:060:20:09

-Do we know it?

-AUDIENCE: Whoo!

0:20:090:20:12

Those people clearly haven't been to it.

0:20:120:20:14

LAUGHTER

0:20:140:20:15

It's not a nice area. When I moved in,

0:20:150:20:17

one of the ways the guy got us to take the house, he said,

0:20:170:20:20

"Well, great location.

0:20:200:20:21

"To give you an idea, you live just across the road from Argos Extra."

0:20:210:20:25

If you don't know it, it's a smaller version of Argos.

0:20:260:20:30

They've used the rare definition of "extra" to mean "far, far less."

0:20:300:20:33

LAUGHTER

0:20:330:20:35

They've got the normal catalogues, which are full of things

0:20:350:20:38

they've never had in stock.

0:20:380:20:40

Dialling into the stock check for 20 minutes, nothing is coming up,

0:20:400:20:44

the guy said, "Are you all right?"

0:20:440:20:45

and I said, "You haven't got anything."

0:20:450:20:47

He said, "Well, what you've got to remember is that we have a greatly-reduced range.

0:20:470:20:52

"To give you an idea, that warehouse out the back is actually

0:20:520:20:54

"no bigger than this room we are having the discussion in now."

0:20:540:20:58

So here's an idea - go out the back, get that stuff,

0:20:580:21:01

bring it through here, we'll call the whole thing a shop.

0:21:010:21:04

LAUGHTER

0:21:040:21:06

Currently, what I am doing is dialling in numbers

0:21:060:21:09

in an attempt to guess what is the other side of a wall!

0:21:090:21:12

LAUGHTER

0:21:120:21:14

This isn't shopping, this is Battleships!

0:21:140:21:17

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:170:21:19

We've been in there 20 minutes,

0:21:210:21:23

I don't even remember what I came in for.

0:21:230:21:26

I'm just dialling in random numbers.

0:21:260:21:28

The only thing I have found that you have in stock

0:21:280:21:31

is a Playboy-themed hot water bottle.

0:21:310:21:33

He said, "Yeah, that is one of our sexier items."

0:21:340:21:37

I said, "When did the hot water bottle become a sexy item?"

0:21:370:21:41

From my experience, it is used for two things -

0:21:410:21:43

cold feet and period pains.

0:21:430:21:45

LAUGHTER

0:21:450:21:47

Call me a weirdo, I have never been turned on by either of them.

0:21:470:21:51

If there is a relationship between a hot water bottle and sex,

0:21:510:21:55

it is that when you see your partner is filling up a hot water bottle,

0:21:550:22:00

you're not having sex.

0:22:000:22:01

LAUGHTER

0:22:010:22:04

He said, "Well, no, it is sexy, isn't it,

0:22:040:22:06

"because it is shaped like a rabbit."

0:22:060:22:08

I said, "Is that sexy?

0:22:080:22:10

"Obviously, we had different emotional reactions to Watership Down!"

0:22:100:22:14

LAUGHTER

0:22:140:22:17

I do not understand this Playboy idea that the way to make a woman sexier

0:22:170:22:20

is to give her the ears and tail of a rabbit.

0:22:200:22:23

It is always the ears and tail, I don't know if there are other prototypes

0:22:230:22:26

Hugh Hefner tried that did not work out,

0:22:260:22:28

that he brought out for his mates and said, "Do you fancy her?

0:22:280:22:31

"She's got buck teeth.

0:22:310:22:33

LAUGHTER

0:22:330:22:34

-"And massive feet."

-LAUGHTER

0:22:340:22:37

"No? What about this one?

0:22:370:22:39

"She has fur and I have put her in a hutch.

0:22:390:22:42

LAUGHTER

0:22:420:22:44

"No? Third time lucky, she has myxomatosis.

0:22:440:22:48

"She shits Maltesers."

0:22:480:22:50

LAUGHTER

0:22:500:22:52

I'm in my 20s. It's difficult in your 20s to know

0:22:550:22:58

whether you're a proper adult or still young.

0:22:580:22:59

I've got friends that won't accept they're adults. I've got a friend -

0:22:590:23:02

for my last birthday, she got me a pair of mittens.

0:23:020:23:06

No adults should be dealing in mittens.

0:23:060:23:08

If you're offered the option of gloves or mittens, you choose gloves.

0:23:080:23:11

People that wear mittens are going, "Well, normally I enjoy my fingers.

0:23:110:23:14

"But during the cold weather, I prefer the hands of a Lego man."

0:23:140:23:18

If you're offered gloves or mittens, you choose gloves.

0:23:220:23:25

People that wear mittens, that's like being offered trousers,

0:23:250:23:27

but instead going to work in a sleeping bag.

0:23:270:23:30

For her last birthday, she took us tenpin bowling.

0:23:330:23:35

That is not fun as an adult, cos when you go bowling as kids,

0:23:350:23:38

it's fun, but when you go bowling as an adult,

0:23:380:23:40

what it is, it's a group of adults pretending they're having fun.

0:23:400:23:42

And trying to cover up how much they want to win that game of bowling.

0:23:420:23:46

It's why the most difficult bit of bowling as an adult isn't getting a strike,

0:23:460:23:49

it's when you've just got a strike and you've got to get back

0:23:490:23:52

to your seat without turning into the biggest bellend in the world.

0:23:520:23:56

It's difficult in your 20s.

0:23:590:24:01

I'm single, I came out of a relationship a while ago.

0:24:010:24:03

The worst bit's just after, when no-one knows what to say to you.

0:24:030:24:07

Some people say, "Well, think of the good times.

0:24:070:24:10

"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

0:24:100:24:13

That's not true, is it?

0:24:130:24:14

Because that's not how losing things works.

0:24:140:24:18

When you lose your phone, your first reaction isn't,

0:24:180:24:20

"Well, at least I had a phone, I mean..."

0:24:200:24:22

LAUGHTER

0:24:220:24:24

It is better to have had a phone and lost a phone, isn't it?

0:24:260:24:29

Than never to have phoned at all.

0:24:290:24:31

You're thinking, "Well, those phone calls,

0:24:310:24:33

"they are memories I will always cherish."

0:24:330:24:36

It's difficult being single, cos people interfere,

0:24:360:24:39

people ask you, "Are you seeing anyone?

0:24:390:24:41

"Have you slept with anyone?" Not just your friends, the government!

0:24:410:24:45

The census this year, the last question on the census was

0:24:450:24:47

"Please fill in the details of anyone that doesn't live with you

0:24:470:24:51

"but stayed over on the night of March 27th."

0:24:510:24:54

That's gonna be very awkward if you've just had a one-night stand!

0:24:550:24:59

"Morning, a few questions.

0:24:590:25:02

"What is your occupation?

0:25:020:25:05

"Why do I want to know? I'm telling the government, actually, yeah."

0:25:050:25:08

It's not the kind of thing you can just drop in, just go,

0:25:080:25:10

"Morning, do you take sugar in your tea?

0:25:100:25:12

"Also, would you describe yourself as Caucasian?"

0:25:120:25:16

Going out alone, that is difficult as well.

0:25:170:25:19

I went to the cinema on my own for the first time recently.

0:25:190:25:22

I didn't realise that is the act of an oddball.

0:25:220:25:25

I've eaten alone before, do not do that.

0:25:250:25:26

I went to Pizza Express and said, "Can I have a table for one, please?"

0:25:260:25:30

And she said, "No."

0:25:300:25:31

LAUGHTER

0:25:310:25:33

Instead, she gave me a table for two

0:25:330:25:35

and she slowly removed the cutlery of the non-existent second person.

0:25:350:25:39

I said, "What are you doing? I am not going to get confused!"

0:25:390:25:42

I'm not going to look down halfway through and say,

0:25:420:25:45

"Where the hell has my girlfriend gone?

0:25:450:25:47

"I didn't think I had one, but the knife and fork are saying otherwise."

0:25:470:25:51

I went to the cinema alone, and I went to see a film

0:25:510:25:53

and it wasn't on but the problem is, by the time you get to the cinema,

0:25:530:25:56

you feel it'd be rude to leave without seeing something,

0:25:560:25:59

so I managed to convince myself, for the next 90 minutes,

0:25:590:26:02

I wanted to watch Alvin And The Chipmunks 2.

0:26:020:26:06

-The Squeakquel.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:060:26:09

I went up to the desk and said, "I'll have one, please, for Alvin And The Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel.

0:26:090:26:14

"I haven't seen the first one, I do imagine I'll pick it up."

0:26:140:26:17

She said, "One?" And I said, "Yeah, one."

0:26:170:26:19

She said, "You do know it's Orange Wednesday, don't you?

0:26:190:26:22

"It's two for one."

0:26:220:26:24

I said, "That's not much help for me. I am one.

0:26:240:26:26

"What do you expect me to do with the second ticket?"

0:26:260:26:29

She said, "You could offer it to someone else."

0:26:290:26:31

I said, "Look, people already think I'm weird.

0:26:310:26:33

"If I was to stalk the foyer brandishing a ticket

0:26:330:26:36

"for Alvin And The Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel,

0:26:360:26:40

"show me who would like to come and sit next to me?

0:26:400:26:43

"If anything, I think that is going to make matters worse,

0:26:430:26:46

"thank you very much!"

0:26:460:26:47

I left, I thought, "I'll go and get food,"

0:26:470:26:49

I went to Wagamama, and they've got the long benches,

0:26:490:26:52

I thought it'd be fine, I'd sit on the end of a long bench on my own.

0:26:520:26:55

I sat down and a group of three came in.

0:26:550:26:57

She decided to sit them two opposite me,

0:26:570:27:00

one next to me to create a square.

0:27:000:27:03

I said, "What are you doing? This is the most awkward thing that has ever happened!

0:27:030:27:08

"This isn't Tetris."

0:27:080:27:09

LAUGHTER

0:27:090:27:11

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:110:27:15

But it's not just being an adult that scares me like that.

0:27:180:27:22

I struggled when I was a child, I was terrified all the time.

0:27:220:27:25

Weird things, like things my dad warned me about,

0:27:250:27:28

like running with scissors.

0:27:280:27:30

I hadn't even considered that until he suggested it!

0:27:300:27:34

I don't know about you, I've never been

0:27:340:27:36

so excited about cutting something that I've even broken into a jog.

0:27:360:27:39

"Bloody hell, I can't wait to open this fete!

0:27:390:27:42

"Oh, my god, I've stabbed myself in the stomach. Why is there no warning on these things?"

0:27:420:27:47

But that's the thing about being a kid, you're convinced into

0:27:470:27:49

doing things that you don't want to do, even though you just do them.

0:27:490:27:52

Weird things, like bobbing for apples.

0:27:520:27:54

I don't know why you'd do that.

0:27:540:27:55

I spent my childhood trying to AVOID eating an apple!

0:27:550:27:58

You put that apple in water, you put my hands behind my back,

0:27:580:28:01

I will drown myself to eat that apple.

0:28:010:28:03

It's me or the apple. I couldn't give a shit,

0:28:030:28:05

waterboarding for apples, that is fine with me!

0:28:050:28:08

That's the thing, isn't it? If you make things into a competition,

0:28:080:28:11

people will want the prize, no matter what it is.

0:28:110:28:14

Like those 2p pushing machines you get on piers.

0:28:140:28:17

I spend my life trying to get rid of 2p's.

0:28:170:28:19

You put them on a moving shelf, I'm going,

0:28:190:28:22

"I am having all those 2p's if it kills me.

0:28:220:28:26

"Not just those 2p's, I'm getting this pound coin,

0:28:260:28:29

"I'm changing that into more 2p's.

0:28:290:28:31

To get these 2p's."

0:28:320:28:34

I'll go for the one that's not just 2p's,

0:28:340:28:36

it's got extra items balanced on top I want less than the 2p's.

0:28:360:28:40

"That's not just 2p's, is it? That's a Shabba Ranks key fob!

0:28:400:28:45

"I remember Shabba Ranks, I've got keys - I'm having it!

0:28:450:28:48

"That's not just 2p's, that's a Flump."

0:28:480:28:51

If I'm gonna eat a Flump, I don't want it served

0:28:510:28:53

on a bed of loose change.

0:28:530:28:55

Also, a Flump, retail price, 1p!

0:28:550:28:59

I'm paying double for food poisoning!

0:28:590:29:02

The moment I see these things, I am acting like I'm an expert,

0:29:020:29:05

going like, "That one's not gonna fall, I can see that.

0:29:050:29:08

"That one's a maybe, that one's gonna pay out big.

0:29:080:29:11

"That is the 10p's, I'm going nowhere near that, I'm not made of money."

0:29:110:29:14

No-one's ever been on the 10p pushing machine! It's not Monte Carlo!

0:29:140:29:18

There's not a guy on the screens going,

0:29:180:29:20

"That guy's got a system, get him out! He's two Tamagotchis up, he'll ruin us!"

0:29:200:29:26

You go, "I'm going to win big." Who's ever won big on the 2p pushing machine?

0:29:260:29:31

"Darling, good news, dinner's on me. I won big down at the pier.

0:29:310:29:35

"I have 400 kilos of loose change.

0:29:350:29:38

"Yes, book late. It will take me some time to walk there."

0:29:390:29:43

The other one I want to go on is the plastic horse-racing,

0:29:430:29:46

where you bet on the horses - I'll always go on that,

0:29:460:29:49

but, I don't know why, I always watch a few races, to check the form.

0:29:490:29:52

What am I expecting to see in that situation, go, "Oh, my God,

0:29:520:29:56

"that blue one's lame, thank God I checked"?

0:29:560:29:58

There's a dance simulator with the arrows coming up on the screen and the arrows on the floor.

0:29:580:30:04

I stood for ages like this, going,

0:30:040:30:06

"Well, I tell you what,

0:30:060:30:07

"I am a better dancer than I thought!"

0:30:070:30:10

You do that in a nightclub, you are not a better dancer than you think.

0:30:100:30:14

Do you like these moves, girls?

0:30:140:30:16

Wait for the big one.

0:30:160:30:17

Here it comes.

0:30:170:30:18

There it is, thank you very much.

0:30:180:30:21

You have been absolutely lovely. Thank you very much, Apollo. Cheers.

0:30:220:30:26

My name is Josh Widdicombe, good night!

0:30:260:30:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:290:30:31

Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Widdicombe!

0:30:340:30:36

-CHEERING

-Whoo!

0:30:360:30:39

Er, ladies and gentlemen,

0:30:410:30:43

your next act this evening is an absolutely fantastic stand-up.

0:30:430:30:47

I have worked with her a lot. You are absolutely going to love her.

0:30:470:30:50

Will you please give a warm welcome to the stage

0:30:500:30:53

to the brilliant Shappi Khorsandi?!

0:30:530:30:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:560:30:58

Hello, Apollo!

0:31:150:31:17

CHEERING

0:31:170:31:19

You all look beautiful. This is a terribly fancy show, you know.

0:31:190:31:22

It's very fancy. They said, "Shappi, buy a new dress."

0:31:220:31:26

This is my new dress. I bought it specially for tonight.

0:31:260:31:28

-Do you like it?

-WHISTLING

-Oh, a wolf whistle!

0:31:280:31:31

Never used to get that when I was a bloke.

0:31:310:31:33

LAUGHTER

0:31:330:31:34

So I bought this dress specially but I've got to be careful not to spill anything on it,

0:31:380:31:41

cos I'm giving back to the shop in the morning.

0:31:410:31:44

We all do it. I did this thing -

0:31:440:31:45

I went to give this dress back to the shop

0:31:450:31:48

and the shop assistants always go, "Was there anything wrong with it?"

0:31:480:31:53

And I said, "Yes, it doesn't work."

0:31:530:31:54

She said, "What do you mean, it doesn't work?"

0:31:540:31:57

I said, "Well, I wore it, went out to a party, got very drunk,

0:31:570:32:00

"flirted with lots of guys and STILL went home alone.

0:32:000:32:03

"This dress is broken."

0:32:030:32:04

Another time I went in and I said,

0:32:040:32:06

"I can't ear this any more." She said, "Why not?"

0:32:060:32:08

I said, "Well, I've lost weight, it's too big for me now."

0:32:080:32:11

And she looked at the receipt and said,

0:32:110:32:13

"You bought it a week ago." And I went, "Yes, and now I've had the baby!"

0:32:130:32:17

Seven pounds in one morning.

0:32:170:32:18

Some people are quite shy about giving stuff back to the shop, but I'm...

0:32:180:32:23

You've got to be very bolshie

0:32:230:32:25

and not be scared to make a scene.

0:32:250:32:27

Demand to see the man at the top.

0:32:270:32:30

I was in John Lewis and I would not leave until John Lewis himself...

0:32:300:32:33

LAUGHTER

0:32:330:32:34

..came out to rectify the problem.

0:32:340:32:36

You can do it anywhere. You got a problem with KFC. "Excuse me,

0:32:360:32:39

"these fries, I didn't eat them.

0:32:390:32:41

"You tell that Colonel to stop licking his fingers for five minutes

0:32:410:32:45

"and come here and sort me out." Obviously...

0:32:450:32:48

LAUGHTER

0:32:480:32:49

Colonel Saunders sort me out?

0:32:490:32:50

That sounded a bit more dirty than I meant it to.

0:32:500:32:54

You've got to be careful, though, not to get too mental,

0:32:540:32:57

like, it doesn't work in mobile phone shops.

0:32:570:33:00

You can't stand there and go, "I demand to speak with the Orange!"

0:33:000:33:03

LAUGHTER

0:33:030:33:05

I am one of two children. I have a big brother.

0:33:060:33:09

There is a year between me and my brother

0:33:090:33:11

and we're REALLY competitive.

0:33:110:33:13

It took me years to beat his Pac-Man score

0:33:130:33:16

and when I did, he chased me out the house, down an alleyway,

0:33:160:33:20

wrestled me to the ground, gave me an almighty Chinese burn,

0:33:200:33:23

completely ruined my wedding dress.

0:33:230:33:26

He got to an age, where he'd play with me, he'd always play with me -

0:33:290:33:32

we'd play Buckaroo and he got a real donkey, to make it harder for me.

0:33:320:33:35

I won't tell you what Operation was like, I've still got the scars.

0:33:350:33:39

He got to an age where he realised I was a girl

0:33:390:33:42

and it wasn't cool having a little sister.

0:33:420:33:45

On the way to school he'd make me walk ten paces behind him

0:33:450:33:49

and we weren't even married!

0:33:490:33:51

My brother is the honeymoon baby, the firstborn!

0:33:540:33:56

Give me a cheer, precious firstborns!

0:33:560:33:58

CHEERING

0:33:580:34:01

You see, the confidence of the firstborn.

0:34:010:34:04

Firstborns know that very important thing, that you were created

0:34:040:34:09

because two people fell so madly in love with each other

0:34:090:34:14

that they decided to create a human being out of that love.

0:34:140:34:19

Firstborns are made from love.

0:34:190:34:21

Give me a cheer, people like me, second-born children!

0:34:210:34:24

CHEERING

0:34:240:34:26

We were not made from love.

0:34:260:34:28

We are toys for the firstborn.

0:34:280:34:31

That's the sole reason we exist -

0:34:330:34:35

"Oh, we thought it would be nice for him to have company.

0:34:350:34:38

"Because frankly, the job was a lot harder than we anticipated,

0:34:380:34:41

"and now they play together, it's lovely!

0:34:410:34:44

"We go on holiday, hardly see the little twerps!"

0:34:440:34:46

Give me a cheer, third born children!

0:34:480:34:52

CHEERING

0:34:520:34:53

Not many photos of you!

0:34:530:34:57

My friend's got three children,

0:34:590:35:01

she says by the time the third comes along,

0:35:010:35:03

you stick it in a bucket and give it a bit of barbed wire to chew on.

0:35:030:35:07

Give me a cheer, fourth or fifth born children!

0:35:090:35:11

CHEERING

0:35:110:35:13

I'm sure you all have a very strong network of friends.

0:35:130:35:16

It is not that easy to be the big brother, the big sibling,

0:35:180:35:23

because there is a lot of expectations when you're the older one. I understand that.

0:35:230:35:27

My brother, at the age of five, would draw a picture

0:35:270:35:29

-and my dad would go...

-IRANIAN ACCENT:

-"What is this?

0:35:290:35:32

"A house. And this is..."

0:35:320:35:34

He's foreign. "And this is the family.

0:35:340:35:37

"Why am I taller than the trees?

0:35:370:35:39

"If the sun was that close, we would all be burnt alive.

0:35:390:35:43

"You have to work much harder than this

0:35:430:35:45

"if you want your work to make it to the fridge."

0:35:450:35:49

LAUGHTER

0:35:490:35:50

You see, I think it is important to screw kids up.

0:35:520:35:55

Not loads, just enough for them to become interesting adults.

0:35:560:36:00

I have a little boy, and he's three,

0:36:000:36:03

and I don't think I screw him up, but I must do,

0:36:030:36:05

because I'm a mother.

0:36:050:36:07

I'm a single mum and I had a boyfriend round at Christmas -

0:36:070:36:11

it turns out some boyfriends really are just for Christmas!

0:36:110:36:15

LAUGHTER

0:36:150:36:16

I was like, "You will not meet my child until we are solid."

0:36:160:36:19

And the chap would come round while my son was sleeping

0:36:190:36:22

and he would be gone in the morning before my son woke up,

0:36:220:36:25

but my luck being my luck, they ended up meeting

0:36:250:36:27

in the hallway of my home at three o'clock in the morning,

0:36:270:36:30

both needing the loo, both naked.

0:36:300:36:33

And in a panic, this man said to my son, "Hello, I'm Father Christmas."

0:36:350:36:39

And my little boy said, "But he was here last night!"

0:36:420:36:45

LAUGHTER, GROANS

0:36:450:36:47

Sometimes you get so proud of your kids

0:36:510:36:54

because they display kindness and sensitivity

0:36:540:36:57

that, frankly, they didn't learn from you.

0:36:570:37:01

I went into a shop with my little boy

0:37:010:37:04

and the shopkeeper was two inches taller than my three-year-old.

0:37:040:37:08

My little boy was beside himself to say something,

0:37:090:37:14

absolutely beside himself, but he knew instinctively not to.

0:37:140:37:18

He just looked at the guy, looked at me, looked at the guy,

0:37:180:37:20

and the bloke was brilliant, he was obviously used to children reacting to him in this way,

0:37:200:37:25

so he was chatting away to my boy and my boy was like, "A grown-up, my size?

0:37:250:37:29

"I am going to tell him EVERYTHING!"

0:37:290:37:31

And he did, he was like, "My name is Charlie, I live with my mummy,

0:37:310:37:35

"I see my daddy at the weekend, we have a cat called Lola

0:37:350:37:38

"and a dog called Benjamin Petanyahu."

0:37:380:37:41

LAUGHTER

0:37:410:37:42

I thought of that name.

0:37:440:37:46

And when we left the shop, my little boy walked as fast

0:37:460:37:49

as his little legs could carry him to be out of earshot.

0:37:490:37:54

And he went, "Mummy, Mummy, come over here, Mummy!"

0:37:540:37:56

And I said, "Oh, what is it, darling?"

0:37:560:37:58

And my little boy said, "Mummy, that man was LITTLE!"

0:37:580:38:04

And I was like, "Yes, darling, yes, he was little."

0:38:050:38:08

"Why was he so LITTLE?!"

0:38:080:38:12

And I thought, "What a glorious moment I am about to share with my son,

0:38:120:38:17

"because he is now at an age where he notices difference

0:38:170:38:22

"and I can explain to him now that people might look different

0:38:220:38:26

"and they might sound different, but we all matter equally

0:38:260:38:30

"and inside, we are all the same."

0:38:300:38:33

What a beautiful chat I didn't have.

0:38:330:38:37

I didn't say that to him.

0:38:370:38:39

In that moment, I said,

0:38:390:38:41

"Because he didn't eat his broccoli."

0:38:410:38:45

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:38:450:38:48

No-one is proud here.

0:38:490:38:51

So I'm a single mum, right,

0:38:520:38:55

and whatever people say, it is different than being a single dad.

0:38:550:38:59

Cos women see single dads and go,

0:38:590:39:01

"Oh, he's so good with his kids, isn't he coping wonderfully?

0:39:010:39:05

"Oh, he's so good with his children. I must have sex with him now."

0:39:050:39:09

Whereas men see single mums and they go, "Run a mile! Baggage!"

0:39:110:39:15

I went on a date with a guy that called my little boy "baggage".

0:39:170:39:21

He's three!

0:39:210:39:23

He's not baggage.

0:39:230:39:25

He's hand luggage.

0:39:250:39:26

He just fits in the overhead lockers, it's kind of perfect.

0:39:280:39:31

Recently, my brother said,

0:39:310:39:34

"You have been separated for ages now, you need to find yourself a new fella,

0:39:340:39:38

"why don't you go on the internet?"

0:39:380:39:40

Cos he found his girlfriend on the internet,

0:39:400:39:42

I think it was eBay.

0:39:420:39:44

LAUGHTER

0:39:440:39:45

So I joined an internet website and to my surprise,

0:39:450:39:49

on the online form that you had to fill in,

0:39:490:39:51

one of the things you had to tick to see who you wanted

0:39:510:39:55

was racial preference and it said,

0:39:550:39:57

"White Caucasian," three boxes, "Not Important,

0:39:570:40:00

"Decidedly Important, Absolutely Crucial."

0:40:000:40:02

I thought, that's a little bit weird,

0:40:020:40:05

because your photo is up there in the first place,

0:40:050:40:07

so you can just be racist in private, why hurt anyone's feelings?

0:40:070:40:10

So I want to show you this.

0:40:100:40:13

I wrote an e-mail to the administrator of this website.

0:40:130:40:16

I wrote an e-mail, basically, in a nutshell, going,

0:40:180:40:21

"What are you on, mate?" And he wrote back going,

0:40:210:40:23

"The choices we provide on our matching algorithms..."

0:40:230:40:26

I had to look that word up.

0:40:260:40:28

Nothing to do with sex.

0:40:280:40:30

LAUGHTER

0:40:300:40:32

"..are for our users to find the perfect match.

0:40:320:40:36

"They are in no way indicative of someone being racist at all."

0:40:360:40:40

White Caucasian, Absolutely Crucial.

0:40:400:40:43

So I wrote back going, "Shut up," bit more coherently than that.

0:40:430:40:47

And then he wrote back and said,

0:40:470:40:50

"Some people are more stringent than others

0:40:500:40:53

"when it comes to finding a partner."

0:40:530:40:56

Doesn't that sound like a real dig at me?

0:40:560:40:58

Like, "Oh, you'd shag any old colour."

0:40:580:41:01

LAUGHTER

0:41:010:41:03

"We merely help them find the right person by enabling them

0:41:040:41:08

"to measure height, weight, occupation, level of income and ethnicity."

0:41:080:41:13

Thing is, height, weight, occupation, level of income,

0:41:130:41:16

they are all things that can be measured.

0:41:160:41:18

How do you measure ethnicity?

0:41:180:41:20

I had no idea how to measure my own when I was filling out the form.

0:41:200:41:23

I had to look on a Dulux colour chart.

0:41:230:41:26

Turns out, I am Natural Calico.

0:41:270:41:29

LAUGHTER

0:41:290:41:30

This correspondence went on for quite a while.

0:41:300:41:34

Tell me if you think I went too far -

0:41:340:41:37

eventually, I sent him a copy

0:41:370:41:39

of the Nuremberg Race Laws.

0:41:390:41:41

LAUGHTER

0:41:410:41:43

I'm not saying that this website is a Nazi organisation,

0:41:430:41:46

I just think we should nip things in the bud at source.

0:41:460:41:50

LAUGHTER

0:41:500:41:51

He wrote back to me and said, "Dear Shappi,

0:41:510:41:54

"I have enjoyed our correspondence.

0:41:540:41:57

"I have now noticed your name is Shappi Khorsandi.

0:41:570:42:01

"Might you be the same I saw on the Michael McIntyre Comedy Roadshow?"

0:42:010:42:08

LAUGHTER

0:42:080:42:09

"If so, I am single..."

0:42:090:42:12

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:42:120:42:16

CHEERING

0:42:160:42:17

"..and I wondered if you'd like to go for a coffee."

0:42:200:42:23

LAUGHTER

0:42:230:42:25

Listen to this. "Won't this be a funny story to tell our kids?"

0:42:250:42:29

LAUGHTER

0:42:290:42:32

"Smiley face."

0:42:320:42:33

LAUGHTER

0:42:330:42:35

I wrote back. I said, "Thank you so much for your e-mail,

0:42:350:42:38

"I am very flattered.

0:42:380:42:40

"However, I have noticed your name is James Choudhury.

0:42:400:42:45

"Little bit too brown for me.

0:42:450:42:48

"Natural Calico only."

0:42:480:42:51

You've been a marvellous crowd! You've been ace, thank you so much!

0:42:510:42:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:570:42:58

-Thanks for that, well done.

-Mwah!

0:43:010:43:04

Shappi Khorsandi!

0:43:040:43:06

CHEERING

0:43:060:43:07

Ladies and gentlemen, you have been absolutely wonderful.

0:43:090:43:11

A big round of applause for Josh Widdicombe...

0:43:110:43:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:140:43:15

-..Shappi Khorsandi!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:150:43:18

I've been Jack Whitehall, good night!

0:43:180:43:20

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:200:43:22

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0:43:440:43:48

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