Episode 8 Live at the Apollo

'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

'Jack Whitehall!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Live at the Apollo.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a cracking show in store for you this evening.

You are in for a treat.

And let me say, you look like you deserve it.

This looks like a beautiful audience.

-CHEERING

-Oh, yeah.

Some beautiful faces in here.

And also a couple of famous faces as well. Oh, yes.

A star-studded audience tonight in the Hammersmith Apollo.

Kerry Katona is in the house.

CHEERING

Oh, yeah. Kerry Katona.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I love Kerry!

I watched Kerry, I watched you on the Big Brother.

Celebrity Big Brother.

I wasn't sure, about this series of Celebrity Big Brother,

truth be told.

I thought quite a predictable series, Celebrity Big Brother.

It was won by a gypsy.

Well, obviously he was going to be the last one to get evicted.

No, it's nice to have you here, Kerry.

It's lovely everyone has come out to the Hammersmith Apollo

to have a laugh, to enjoy yourselves

because I think, on the whole,

we are quite a grumpy nation. We are a grumpy nation of people

but I think that's something that we should celebrate.

Celebrate how grumpy we are

because that's what makes us British, and if we weren't like this

we'd be like Americans, and we don't want that.

There are some things in this great country, oh, yeah,

there are some things that we will never have,

and we need to embrace that. Like customer service.

We are never going to have customer service in the UK.

They love that shit in America. I don't want it here.

Go into a shop in the UK, you know what you're getting put through, yeah?

Like your phone shop, for example.

You walk into the Carphone Warehouse, you know the drill.

You know if you go to Carphone Warehouse you can get ignored for days.

LAUGHTER

There'll be a corpse where an elderly gentleman's

tried to upgrade without his wife there to help,

and even when you do get assistance

it's going to be from some patronising little suited teenager,

constantly asking you, "How many minutes you talk in a month, bruv?"

When you leave the shop, you feel like you've earned your phone.

I broke my phone when I was in America.

I had to go into the Apple Store in New York.

Oh, my God! The Apple Store in New York

is like a big, white, glistening cathedral

of twats!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Before you even have your foot in the door,

there's a wank-tard in your face.

"Hey, buddy, my name's Drew.

What brings you to the Apple Store today, hombre?"

"I'm here to buy a phone, not make a friend. Piss off."

They genuinely applaud the first customer in of the day -

the Apple Store in New York -

they all stand around applauding the idiot as he walks in.

"Whoo, we love you, man, customer number one, you rock."

Can you imagine getting away with that at a phone shop in the UK?

I think not!

T-Mobile in the Westfield Shopping Centre?

The only customer getting applauded is the last one OUT of the day.

"Oh, thank Christ you've gone, mate.

"We can all go down the pub, you BlackBerry wanker!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't like customer service.

And it works both ways as well.

When I was in America I needed to use the train, and I was on the platform,

and I saw a poster in one of the stations, right?

It had on it one of their rail employees -

she was there, all made up, her eyes full of life and hope.

She had a smile across her face,

and then underneath it, a little slogan,

"Hey, you got enough snacks for the journey? Enjoy your trip."

Compare that to the posters you get up and down this great island

on every single station platform. What is it?

A poster of a National Rail employee with a massive black eye.

"Please don't hit our staff."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah.

Some stuff will never ever make the crossover.

Like, customer service is one of them but there's so many more that I've noticed.

Like, Skins is another interesting example.

Skins, the popular teen drama, was huge here.

It ran for, like, five, six series.

We sold it to America and they cancelled it after one season,

and the reason they gave for cancelling it

is because they didn't want to watch it because, in America,

they'd decided that Skins was unrealistic -

it depicted young adults unrealistically going out,

indulging in sexual practices, drinking alcoholic beverages

and, reality check UK, that is unrealistic.

We do not want to watch that here in the USA.

Oh, I'm sorry, America(!) Look at us with our ludicrous English writers,

coming up with these ridiculously far-fetched situations

where teenagers go out, enjoy themselves,

sleep around and have a little bit too much to drink,

rather than walking into their schools and shooting each other

whilst being morbidly obese.

They take everything, they take all of our best TV.

Saddest news I have had in recent times

is that the Americans have stolen from us

one of our great British institutions -

they've taken Jeremy Kyle!

He's going to Florida. What am I going to do?

How am I going to spend my days? Jeremy Kyle is what I watch.

Jeremy Kyle is my only way of working out what makes relationships work.

That's my go-to guy,

and now I don't have him any more.

If you've never been, I implore you to go,

cos I went to Manchester to the Jeremy Kyle studio

and I witnessed one of the most incredible scenes I had ever seen,

cos I saw a man take on Jeremy Kyle and nearly walk away the victor.

It was beautiful, cos when he walked into the studio, I didn't give him a hope in hell, right?

His name was Spider, right?

He was wearing a matching shell suit and cap.

I was like, "Oh, my God, man, Jeremy Kyle is going to chew you up and spit you up the other end,

"and you know what, I hope he gets done with you quickly,

"so we can get on to the squabbling sisters that are both having sex

"with the same guy, cos that's what I came this afternoon!"

But right from the outset, Spider showed some serious promise.

Kyle started off with a standard Jeremy Kyle opening round

little teaser question.

He was like, "So, Spider, tell me,

"why don't you see much of your children?"

Quick as a flash, Spider's like, "Well, Jeremy,

"to be perfectly honest, the reason that

"I don't see much of my children is cos I've gotta work two jobs -

"one during the day, and then I've also gotta do a night shift

"to earn enough money to pay them

"the child support that they deserve."

I sat up in my chair. I was like, "Ooh, this guy's good!"

"What have you got next, Kyle?" Kyle coils back for another blow.

He's like, "So, Spider, I hear...

"I hear that you're a bit of a drinker."

Ooh, it's a low blow, the sobriety test early on.

This is gonna see whether Spider's got what it takes

to go the full 12 rounds.

"Well, Jeremy, I admit that I was a little bit of a drinker.

"But I have sought professional guidance and help.

"I've attended various AA meetings,

"and I am now proud to say that I have been sober for three years."

What the hell is going on here?!

Have I just witnessed a man

sidestep Jeremy Kyle two times in a row?!

That's not in the script!

Maybe the matador has finally met his match

in this deadly dance of death.

"What do you want next, Kyle? You're on the ropes."

He swoops down to his side. He pulls up an envelope.

We all know what that means. It's lie detector time!

"Spider, we asked you under lie detector whether you had ever

"cheated with Rachel when you were in a relationship with her.

"You said that you hadn't. You were in fact...

"..telling the truth?"

OMG. FML. The audience then cheered for Spider.

I was like, "I am gonna be telling my grandchildren about this shit!

"We've sided with Spider! This is like Rocky IV.

"We're the Russians and we're cheering for Rocky!"

Kyle didn't know what to do.

Blood was streaming.

He had one last throw of the dice, and it needed to be doubles,

cos he was in jail right then.

He put his hand up to his ear. He was calling in for backup!

He goes, "Spider, I've had a word with our researchers,

"and they tell me that you have a motto."

Oh, Jeremy! Is that all you've got? A motto?

Of course Spider's got a motto.

We've already established that this gentleman is not a mug.

You thought he'd walk into the studio without a motto?

Oh, Jeremy, don't be ridiculous!

Well, come on, Spider, old buddy, old pal,

tell Jeremy what your motto is.

Put him to the sword, and then you can parade round the studio

with his head on a blooded spike.

What's the motto gonna be, Spider? We can't wait! Carpe diem?

Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself?

Mother knows best? Complete silence befell the studio.

Spider pursed his lips, suddenly elevated like Moses on the mound.

We looked at him, and then, "Well, Jeremy,

"if a woman can give a punch, she can take one."

I learned a valuable lesson that day!

Relationships do not require mottos.

I had for some time been wanting to get into a relationship

and, lo and behold, I met the woman of my dreams. She was incredible, right?

As soon as we start going out the problems start emerging

cos, when I first met her she was great,

but as soon as the relationship became official, she changed.

When I first met her she was cool, she was funny, exciting.

She said she was bi. I was like, "Oooh! Sexy!"

Turns out she meant bipolar. She was...

LAUGHTER

And she scared me as well, like, she intimidated me.

The older woman. She liked things I wasn't comfortable with, in the bedroom, for example.

That was a nightmare, because she liked to be experimental in the bedroom.

When it comes to the bedroom, I'm quite English about the whole thing.

Quite sort of English Victorian, right?

I want three minutes in the dark, then we both roll over,

assume the foetal position and cry for a bit.

That's how it should be done, right?

None of this talking, as well. I hate the talking.

This is the element I can't stand.

They say during sex that a woman should lie back and think of England.

I think they should lie back and think of London, specifically, London Underground.

Don't make any eye contact and don't dare start a conversation.

This girl, she was obsessed with doing all the talking,

and I'd warned her, I had warned her, people,

this voice does not work in the bedroom.

It is not a sexy voice, so stop trying to make me dirty talk,

but she persisted in doing it. She tried to trick me.

She'd be like, "Oh, Jack, tell me I've been a bad girl."

-SLIGHTLY EFFEMINATE TONE:

-"You've been a bad girl."

"How bad?" "I don't know. Is there a scale?

"Worse than a looter, not as bad as Harold Shipman. Are you happy?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There were so many problems with our relationship, so many issues.

The major one was that her friends didn't like me

and, as a guy, if a girl's friends don't like you, you are screwed.

There's nothing you can do.

It's like laws of the animal kingdom. Girls are like a pride,

they're gracious, they look after, nurture the weakest of the group.

Guys don't give a shit.

They will kick out the weakest to rot in the sun.

If you want to observe this in all of its beauty,

the savannah, if you will, is the airport.

When you see groups of girls and groups of guys

going as lads and girls on tour, to like, Ayia Napa, Ibiza, Magaluf,

and it all starts in the airports with the tour T-shirts

and the tour hoodies they've had made up.

You see the girls with their little wheelies,

their little neatly ironed pink hoodies they've organised months in advance,

with little nicknames, on the back, in glitter...

Except with girls it's not nicknames, is it?

It's character building.

They'll find any positive about their friends and celebrate it.

It's incredible to see.

You'll see the group of girls and at the back

there'll be this 300-tonne hunk of ham

with like, a gammy leg, chins growing out of their ears

you didn't even know a chin could grow out of.

She reaches herself round to see if there's a queue outside Greggs,

and on her back in glitter it just says, "Angel Eyes".

You can't deny her eyes are gorgeous.

They follow you around the room, because one of them is lazy.

Next to them in the queue you've got the guys,

they're crawling over a bin liner full of T-shirts,

desperate to get the one that says "Shagger."

And then they start dishing them out amongst their friends,

except with them it's not nicknames. It's character assassination,

with no wit or reason to it whatsoever.

It's just like, "Dick Splash," "Shithead," "Tit Face,"

some poor guy in a wheelchair getting forced into one that says "Top Gear."

It's cruel.

He's not even part of their group.

And they get on the holiday,

it's no different when they're actually on the holiday.

Groups of girls on holiday, if they're sunbathing on the beach,

and one of them falls asleep in the sun, they'll wake them up.

That's what they do.

A guy wouldn't dream of doing that.

The girls, it's like, "Angel Eyes, Angel Eyes,

"wake up! You're falling asleep in the sun.

"You're burning all over your shoulders. Girls, quickly, get some suntan!

"We're going to need more than that. Come on, girls.

"It'll be all right. We're looking out for you

"cos we're BFF, friends for ever."

LAUGHTER

Further on down the beach, "Oi, what's Jay doing?" "Shh!"

"He's fallen asleep in the midday sun." "Oh, wow!"

"Shall we put some suntan lotion on him?" "Yeah!"

"I'll draw the balls, you do the shaft."

LAUGHTER

Yes. It's very funny, isn't it, Hammersmith Apollo?

Laugh it all up. That will take weeks to go!

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE

WHISTLING

Someone wolf-whistled. That was NOT sexy.

"Yeah, that's how I like my guys - with a cock on their chest."

Maybe Kerry.

No, I didn't...

I couldn't resist!

The relationship, it didn't last.

And it WAS my fault. It was a Friday night when it happened,

because she had arranged dinner and then a movie. That sounds quite fun,

but it is not fun, because she's a sophisticated, mature woman.

This was a sophisticated, mature dinner,

and I hate going to fancy restaurants on dates,

because if you go to a fancy restaurant on a date,

they make you look like an idiot. If you take a girl on a date,

you need to go somewhere where you can look like you're in control,

which is why, if you're ever taking a girl on a date,

there is only one place, and one place alone, you can take them.

Any takers?

-AUDIENCE: Nando's.

-Nando's!

Correct!

Nando's is where you take them,

because if you go to Nando's you can look like you know your shit.

You arrive at Nando's early. You're greeted at the door.

"Hello, has sir ever been to Nando's before?"

"Yes, I have, my good man,

"and we both know you'll be doing absolutely bugger all this evening, so stand aside!"

Take that booth in the corner.

"Ooh, banquette seating, nice for scooching up together when this gets interesting later on."

First, time for the wine. "What would Madame like?

"A dry Sancerre or a crisp Sauvignon Blanc?"

Doesn't matter, it's Nando's. They both taste exactly the same.

Which leads us on to the food.

"Do you like chicken?" Good, cos it's all chicken.

I already know what I'm getting.

It's a double chicken breast in a pitta, lemon and herb spice,

but at the last minute, I'm asking the guy at the counter

to swap the little flags round

so he can put in one that says it's extra hot,

so when I'm eating it she thinks that I'm hard as nails.

"Would sir like cheese and pineapple with that?" Why does anyone want cheese and pineapple with chicken?

It makes no logical sense. Her dinner has arrived.

She's ordered two sides, one of macho peas, one of witty repartee.

At this point in proceedings, ladies and gentlemen,

she is eating out of the palm of my hand,

mainly because I've forgotten to get the bloody cutlery from the tooling-up desk.

But it doesn't matter,

because he's about to ask the question every woman asks.

This is the killer, this is make or break time -

whether she'll get into the cab with you or not.

She turns to me, looks lovingly into my eyes and says,

"Jack, what's peri-peri?"

Ooh. "A very, very good question, my dear."

This is the final penalty in the shoot-out at Wembley. This is make or break time.

A very good question. What is peri-peri?

I'll let you into a secret, Hammersmith Apollo. It's a good question, but also one

nobody actually knows the answer to,

so you can make up whatever the hell you like

and she's still going to be impressed.

"Peri-peri, my dear, is a blend of aromatic spices

"bonded together by tears of Portuguese widows who lost their husbands at sea.

"El hombre est il mort."

And she's mine!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time to move on with proceedings.

Our first act this evening, he's a lovely guy.

He's an incredible stand-up. You are absolutely going to love him.

You're in for a treat. Ladies and gentlemen,

will you please give a warm welcome to the stage

to the wonderful Josh Widdicombe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

CHEERING

-Yes. Are you well?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.

I struggle with those questions. I never know what to answer.

I'm only confident answering a question

is when I'm at my computer, like when your computer crashes,

it comes on and goes, "Your computer's just crashed. Do you want to send a report?"

No.

I'm not a grass.

LAUGHTER

If I was going to grass up my computer I wouldn't via my computer. He'll know.

I'll be grassing him up, he'll start grassing me up,

he's got far more on me than I have on him, I can tell you.

It's nice to be in Hammersmith.

I've moved to London, area called Finsbury Park.

-Do we know it?

-AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Those people clearly haven't been to it.

LAUGHTER

It's not a nice area. When I moved in,

one of the ways the guy got us to take the house, he said,

"Well, great location.

"To give you an idea, you live just across the road from Argos Extra."

If you don't know it, it's a smaller version of Argos.

They've used the rare definition of "extra" to mean "far, far less."

LAUGHTER

They've got the normal catalogues, which are full of things

they've never had in stock.

Dialling into the stock check for 20 minutes, nothing is coming up,

the guy said, "Are you all right?"

and I said, "You haven't got anything."

He said, "Well, what you've got to remember is that we have a greatly-reduced range.

"To give you an idea, that warehouse out the back is actually

"no bigger than this room we are having the discussion in now."

So here's an idea - go out the back, get that stuff,

bring it through here, we'll call the whole thing a shop.

LAUGHTER

Currently, what I am doing is dialling in numbers

in an attempt to guess what is the other side of a wall!

LAUGHTER

This isn't shopping, this is Battleships!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've been in there 20 minutes,

I don't even remember what I came in for.

I'm just dialling in random numbers.

The only thing I have found that you have in stock

is a Playboy-themed hot water bottle.

He said, "Yeah, that is one of our sexier items."

I said, "When did the hot water bottle become a sexy item?"

From my experience, it is used for two things -

cold feet and period pains.

LAUGHTER

Call me a weirdo, I have never been turned on by either of them.

If there is a relationship between a hot water bottle and sex,

it is that when you see your partner is filling up a hot water bottle,

you're not having sex.

LAUGHTER

He said, "Well, no, it is sexy, isn't it,

"because it is shaped like a rabbit."

I said, "Is that sexy?

"Obviously, we had different emotional reactions to Watership Down!"

LAUGHTER

I do not understand this Playboy idea that the way to make a woman sexier

is to give her the ears and tail of a rabbit.

It is always the ears and tail, I don't know if there are other prototypes

Hugh Hefner tried that did not work out,

that he brought out for his mates and said, "Do you fancy her?

"She's got buck teeth.

LAUGHTER

-"And massive feet."

-LAUGHTER

"No? What about this one?

"She has fur and I have put her in a hutch.

LAUGHTER

"No? Third time lucky, she has myxomatosis.

"She shits Maltesers."

LAUGHTER

I'm in my 20s. It's difficult in your 20s to know

whether you're a proper adult or still young.

I've got friends that won't accept they're adults. I've got a friend -

for my last birthday, she got me a pair of mittens.

No adults should be dealing in mittens.

If you're offered the option of gloves or mittens, you choose gloves.

People that wear mittens are going, "Well, normally I enjoy my fingers.

"But during the cold weather, I prefer the hands of a Lego man."

If you're offered gloves or mittens, you choose gloves.

People that wear mittens, that's like being offered trousers,

but instead going to work in a sleeping bag.

For her last birthday, she took us tenpin bowling.

That is not fun as an adult, cos when you go bowling as kids,

it's fun, but when you go bowling as an adult,

what it is, it's a group of adults pretending they're having fun.

And trying to cover up how much they want to win that game of bowling.

It's why the most difficult bit of bowling as an adult isn't getting a strike,

it's when you've just got a strike and you've got to get back

to your seat without turning into the biggest bellend in the world.

It's difficult in your 20s.

I'm single, I came out of a relationship a while ago.

The worst bit's just after, when no-one knows what to say to you.

Some people say, "Well, think of the good times.

"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

That's not true, is it?

Because that's not how losing things works.

When you lose your phone, your first reaction isn't,

"Well, at least I had a phone, I mean..."

LAUGHTER

It is better to have had a phone and lost a phone, isn't it?

Than never to have phoned at all.

You're thinking, "Well, those phone calls,

"they are memories I will always cherish."

It's difficult being single, cos people interfere,

people ask you, "Are you seeing anyone?

"Have you slept with anyone?" Not just your friends, the government!

The census this year, the last question on the census was

"Please fill in the details of anyone that doesn't live with you

"but stayed over on the night of March 27th."

That's gonna be very awkward if you've just had a one-night stand!

"Morning, a few questions.

"What is your occupation?

"Why do I want to know? I'm telling the government, actually, yeah."

It's not the kind of thing you can just drop in, just go,

"Morning, do you take sugar in your tea?

"Also, would you describe yourself as Caucasian?"

Going out alone, that is difficult as well.

I went to the cinema on my own for the first time recently.

I didn't realise that is the act of an oddball.

I've eaten alone before, do not do that.

I went to Pizza Express and said, "Can I have a table for one, please?"

And she said, "No."

LAUGHTER

Instead, she gave me a table for two

and she slowly removed the cutlery of the non-existent second person.

I said, "What are you doing? I am not going to get confused!"

I'm not going to look down halfway through and say,

"Where the hell has my girlfriend gone?

"I didn't think I had one, but the knife and fork are saying otherwise."

I went to the cinema alone, and I went to see a film

and it wasn't on but the problem is, by the time you get to the cinema,

you feel it'd be rude to leave without seeing something,

so I managed to convince myself, for the next 90 minutes,

I wanted to watch Alvin And The Chipmunks 2.

-The Squeakquel.

-LAUGHTER

I went up to the desk and said, "I'll have one, please, for Alvin And The Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel.

"I haven't seen the first one, I do imagine I'll pick it up."

She said, "One?" And I said, "Yeah, one."

She said, "You do know it's Orange Wednesday, don't you?

"It's two for one."

I said, "That's not much help for me. I am one.

"What do you expect me to do with the second ticket?"

She said, "You could offer it to someone else."

I said, "Look, people already think I'm weird.

"If I was to stalk the foyer brandishing a ticket

"for Alvin And The Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel,

"show me who would like to come and sit next to me?

"If anything, I think that is going to make matters worse,

"thank you very much!"

I left, I thought, "I'll go and get food,"

I went to Wagamama, and they've got the long benches,

I thought it'd be fine, I'd sit on the end of a long bench on my own.

I sat down and a group of three came in.

She decided to sit them two opposite me,

one next to me to create a square.

I said, "What are you doing? This is the most awkward thing that has ever happened!

"This isn't Tetris."

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But it's not just being an adult that scares me like that.

I struggled when I was a child, I was terrified all the time.

Weird things, like things my dad warned me about,

like running with scissors.

I hadn't even considered that until he suggested it!

I don't know about you, I've never been

so excited about cutting something that I've even broken into a jog.

"Bloody hell, I can't wait to open this fete!

"Oh, my god, I've stabbed myself in the stomach. Why is there no warning on these things?"

But that's the thing about being a kid, you're convinced into

doing things that you don't want to do, even though you just do them.

Weird things, like bobbing for apples.

I don't know why you'd do that.

I spent my childhood trying to AVOID eating an apple!

You put that apple in water, you put my hands behind my back,

I will drown myself to eat that apple.

It's me or the apple. I couldn't give a shit,

waterboarding for apples, that is fine with me!

That's the thing, isn't it? If you make things into a competition,

people will want the prize, no matter what it is.

Like those 2p pushing machines you get on piers.

I spend my life trying to get rid of 2p's.

You put them on a moving shelf, I'm going,

"I am having all those 2p's if it kills me.

"Not just those 2p's, I'm getting this pound coin,

"I'm changing that into more 2p's.

To get these 2p's."

I'll go for the one that's not just 2p's,

it's got extra items balanced on top I want less than the 2p's.

"That's not just 2p's, is it? That's a Shabba Ranks key fob!

"I remember Shabba Ranks, I've got keys - I'm having it!

"That's not just 2p's, that's a Flump."

If I'm gonna eat a Flump, I don't want it served

on a bed of loose change.

Also, a Flump, retail price, 1p!

I'm paying double for food poisoning!

The moment I see these things, I am acting like I'm an expert,

going like, "That one's not gonna fall, I can see that.

"That one's a maybe, that one's gonna pay out big.

"That is the 10p's, I'm going nowhere near that, I'm not made of money."

No-one's ever been on the 10p pushing machine! It's not Monte Carlo!

There's not a guy on the screens going,

"That guy's got a system, get him out! He's two Tamagotchis up, he'll ruin us!"

You go, "I'm going to win big." Who's ever won big on the 2p pushing machine?

"Darling, good news, dinner's on me. I won big down at the pier.

"I have 400 kilos of loose change.

"Yes, book late. It will take me some time to walk there."

The other one I want to go on is the plastic horse-racing,

where you bet on the horses - I'll always go on that,

but, I don't know why, I always watch a few races, to check the form.

What am I expecting to see in that situation, go, "Oh, my God,

"that blue one's lame, thank God I checked"?

There's a dance simulator with the arrows coming up on the screen and the arrows on the floor.

I stood for ages like this, going,

"Well, I tell you what,

"I am a better dancer than I thought!"

You do that in a nightclub, you are not a better dancer than you think.

Do you like these moves, girls?

Wait for the big one.

Here it comes.

There it is, thank you very much.

You have been absolutely lovely. Thank you very much, Apollo. Cheers.

My name is Josh Widdicombe, good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Widdicombe!

-CHEERING

-Whoo!

Er, ladies and gentlemen,

your next act this evening is an absolutely fantastic stand-up.

I have worked with her a lot. You are absolutely going to love her.

Will you please give a warm welcome to the stage

to the brilliant Shappi Khorsandi?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Apollo!

CHEERING

You all look beautiful. This is a terribly fancy show, you know.

It's very fancy. They said, "Shappi, buy a new dress."

This is my new dress. I bought it specially for tonight.

-Do you like it?

-WHISTLING

-Oh, a wolf whistle!

Never used to get that when I was a bloke.

LAUGHTER

So I bought this dress specially but I've got to be careful not to spill anything on it,

cos I'm giving back to the shop in the morning.

We all do it. I did this thing -

I went to give this dress back to the shop

and the shop assistants always go, "Was there anything wrong with it?"

And I said, "Yes, it doesn't work."

She said, "What do you mean, it doesn't work?"

I said, "Well, I wore it, went out to a party, got very drunk,

"flirted with lots of guys and STILL went home alone.

"This dress is broken."

Another time I went in and I said,

"I can't ear this any more." She said, "Why not?"

I said, "Well, I've lost weight, it's too big for me now."

And she looked at the receipt and said,

"You bought it a week ago." And I went, "Yes, and now I've had the baby!"

Seven pounds in one morning.

Some people are quite shy about giving stuff back to the shop, but I'm...

You've got to be very bolshie

and not be scared to make a scene.

Demand to see the man at the top.

I was in John Lewis and I would not leave until John Lewis himself...

LAUGHTER

..came out to rectify the problem.

You can do it anywhere. You got a problem with KFC. "Excuse me,

"these fries, I didn't eat them.

"You tell that Colonel to stop licking his fingers for five minutes

"and come here and sort me out." Obviously...

LAUGHTER

Colonel Saunders sort me out?

That sounded a bit more dirty than I meant it to.

You've got to be careful, though, not to get too mental,

like, it doesn't work in mobile phone shops.

You can't stand there and go, "I demand to speak with the Orange!"

LAUGHTER

I am one of two children. I have a big brother.

There is a year between me and my brother

and we're REALLY competitive.

It took me years to beat his Pac-Man score

and when I did, he chased me out the house, down an alleyway,

wrestled me to the ground, gave me an almighty Chinese burn,

completely ruined my wedding dress.

He got to an age, where he'd play with me, he'd always play with me -

we'd play Buckaroo and he got a real donkey, to make it harder for me.

I won't tell you what Operation was like, I've still got the scars.

He got to an age where he realised I was a girl

and it wasn't cool having a little sister.

On the way to school he'd make me walk ten paces behind him

and we weren't even married!

My brother is the honeymoon baby, the firstborn!

Give me a cheer, precious firstborns!

CHEERING

You see, the confidence of the firstborn.

Firstborns know that very important thing, that you were created

because two people fell so madly in love with each other

that they decided to create a human being out of that love.

Firstborns are made from love.

Give me a cheer, people like me, second-born children!

CHEERING

We were not made from love.

We are toys for the firstborn.

That's the sole reason we exist -

"Oh, we thought it would be nice for him to have company.

"Because frankly, the job was a lot harder than we anticipated,

"and now they play together, it's lovely!

"We go on holiday, hardly see the little twerps!"

Give me a cheer, third born children!

CHEERING

Not many photos of you!

My friend's got three children,

she says by the time the third comes along,

you stick it in a bucket and give it a bit of barbed wire to chew on.

Give me a cheer, fourth or fifth born children!

CHEERING

I'm sure you all have a very strong network of friends.

It is not that easy to be the big brother, the big sibling,

because there is a lot of expectations when you're the older one. I understand that.

My brother, at the age of five, would draw a picture

-and my dad would go...

-IRANIAN ACCENT:

-"What is this?

"A house. And this is..."

He's foreign. "And this is the family.

"Why am I taller than the trees?

"If the sun was that close, we would all be burnt alive.

"You have to work much harder than this

"if you want your work to make it to the fridge."

LAUGHTER

You see, I think it is important to screw kids up.

Not loads, just enough for them to become interesting adults.

I have a little boy, and he's three,

and I don't think I screw him up, but I must do,

because I'm a mother.

I'm a single mum and I had a boyfriend round at Christmas -

it turns out some boyfriends really are just for Christmas!

LAUGHTER

I was like, "You will not meet my child until we are solid."

And the chap would come round while my son was sleeping

and he would be gone in the morning before my son woke up,

but my luck being my luck, they ended up meeting

in the hallway of my home at three o'clock in the morning,

both needing the loo, both naked.

And in a panic, this man said to my son, "Hello, I'm Father Christmas."

And my little boy said, "But he was here last night!"

LAUGHTER, GROANS

Sometimes you get so proud of your kids

because they display kindness and sensitivity

that, frankly, they didn't learn from you.

I went into a shop with my little boy

and the shopkeeper was two inches taller than my three-year-old.

My little boy was beside himself to say something,

absolutely beside himself, but he knew instinctively not to.

He just looked at the guy, looked at me, looked at the guy,

and the bloke was brilliant, he was obviously used to children reacting to him in this way,

so he was chatting away to my boy and my boy was like, "A grown-up, my size?

"I am going to tell him EVERYTHING!"

And he did, he was like, "My name is Charlie, I live with my mummy,

"I see my daddy at the weekend, we have a cat called Lola

"and a dog called Benjamin Petanyahu."

LAUGHTER

I thought of that name.

And when we left the shop, my little boy walked as fast

as his little legs could carry him to be out of earshot.

And he went, "Mummy, Mummy, come over here, Mummy!"

And I said, "Oh, what is it, darling?"

And my little boy said, "Mummy, that man was LITTLE!"

And I was like, "Yes, darling, yes, he was little."

"Why was he so LITTLE?!"

And I thought, "What a glorious moment I am about to share with my son,

"because he is now at an age where he notices difference

"and I can explain to him now that people might look different

"and they might sound different, but we all matter equally

"and inside, we are all the same."

What a beautiful chat I didn't have.

I didn't say that to him.

In that moment, I said,

"Because he didn't eat his broccoli."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No-one is proud here.

So I'm a single mum, right,

and whatever people say, it is different than being a single dad.

Cos women see single dads and go,

"Oh, he's so good with his kids, isn't he coping wonderfully?

"Oh, he's so good with his children. I must have sex with him now."

Whereas men see single mums and they go, "Run a mile! Baggage!"

I went on a date with a guy that called my little boy "baggage".

He's three!

He's not baggage.

He's hand luggage.

He just fits in the overhead lockers, it's kind of perfect.

Recently, my brother said,

"You have been separated for ages now, you need to find yourself a new fella,

"why don't you go on the internet?"

Cos he found his girlfriend on the internet,

I think it was eBay.

LAUGHTER

So I joined an internet website and to my surprise,

on the online form that you had to fill in,

one of the things you had to tick to see who you wanted

was racial preference and it said,

"White Caucasian," three boxes, "Not Important,

"Decidedly Important, Absolutely Crucial."

I thought, that's a little bit weird,

because your photo is up there in the first place,

so you can just be racist in private, why hurt anyone's feelings?

So I want to show you this.

I wrote an e-mail to the administrator of this website.

I wrote an e-mail, basically, in a nutshell, going,

"What are you on, mate?" And he wrote back going,

"The choices we provide on our matching algorithms..."

I had to look that word up.

Nothing to do with sex.

LAUGHTER

"..are for our users to find the perfect match.

"They are in no way indicative of someone being racist at all."

White Caucasian, Absolutely Crucial.

So I wrote back going, "Shut up," bit more coherently than that.

And then he wrote back and said,

"Some people are more stringent than others

"when it comes to finding a partner."

Doesn't that sound like a real dig at me?

Like, "Oh, you'd shag any old colour."

LAUGHTER

"We merely help them find the right person by enabling them

"to measure height, weight, occupation, level of income and ethnicity."

Thing is, height, weight, occupation, level of income,

they are all things that can be measured.

How do you measure ethnicity?

I had no idea how to measure my own when I was filling out the form.

I had to look on a Dulux colour chart.

Turns out, I am Natural Calico.

LAUGHTER

This correspondence went on for quite a while.

Tell me if you think I went too far -

eventually, I sent him a copy

of the Nuremberg Race Laws.

LAUGHTER

I'm not saying that this website is a Nazi organisation,

I just think we should nip things in the bud at source.

LAUGHTER

He wrote back to me and said, "Dear Shappi,

"I have enjoyed our correspondence.

"I have now noticed your name is Shappi Khorsandi.

"Might you be the same I saw on the Michael McIntyre Comedy Roadshow?"

LAUGHTER

"If so, I am single..."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

"..and I wondered if you'd like to go for a coffee."

LAUGHTER

Listen to this. "Won't this be a funny story to tell our kids?"

LAUGHTER

"Smiley face."

LAUGHTER

I wrote back. I said, "Thank you so much for your e-mail,

"I am very flattered.

"However, I have noticed your name is James Choudhury.

"Little bit too brown for me.

"Natural Calico only."

You've been a marvellous crowd! You've been ace, thank you so much!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thanks for that, well done.

-Mwah!

Shappi Khorsandi!

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, you have been absolutely wonderful.

A big round of applause for Josh Widdicombe...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-..Shappi Khorsandi!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've been Jack Whitehall, good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd