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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Jack Dee! | 0:00:18 | 0:00:25 | |
Thank you. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:42 | |
Thank you so much and welcome. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
It's really great to be back at Live At The Apollo. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
Yeah. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
I don't know what happened. All those years have gone by. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
2004, we started this whole thing, | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
and, in all that time, we've done nine... This is the ninth series. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:01 | |
Can you believe? | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
And it's gone global, and it's introduced many | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
huge stars who've become household names since then... | 0:01:06 | 0:01:10 | |
And... | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
Personally I can't tell you how much I regret that. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
Yeah, seeing people just overtake you and... | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
Next time I have an idea, I'm just going to take a gun | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
and shoot myself through the foot. It'll be less painful, frankly. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:28 | |
So, I hosted the first two series, you may remember... | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
Thank you, thank you. I moved on... | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
I moved on to work on other projects. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:41 | |
I say moved on to work on other projects, | 0:01:41 | 0:01:45 | |
cos "sacked" is such an ugly word. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
But this is great. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:51 | |
I've been on the road for nearly all year, actually, | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
this year, and people always want to know, | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
"What's it like when you're touring?" | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
And, you know, the reality is... | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
you spend a lot of time in the car, listening to your old CDs, | 0:02:01 | 0:02:05 | |
and a lot of time in hotel rooms watching movies | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
late into the night, drinking beer from the mini bar... | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
Live off fast food... I get to see my kids every... | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
Every couple of weeks, I speak to my wife most days on my phone... | 0:02:13 | 0:02:17 | |
It's perfect. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
Oh, yeah, I've cracked it. I have cracked it. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
Let me tell you, relationships - so much easier from a distance. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:29 | |
Yeah, hmm. "Miss you too." Send! | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
Why didn't I think of this years ago? | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
"Ohhh, the boiler's packed up, there's no hot water!" | 0:02:40 | 0:02:44 | |
"Hot water in hotel fine." | 0:02:44 | 0:02:45 | |
So, can I just say hello to Nicholas Parsons, | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
who's in the audience? We're very honoured to have you here, sir. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
Thank you very much, sir. Very lovely to have you here. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:57 | |
Nicholas, I hope won't mind me saying, is in his 90th year. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:01 | |
He won't mind me saying that cos he won't hear it! | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
We're honoured to have someone from showbiz of his age who isn't on bail. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
It's fantastic, really. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
It is, well done, yeah. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
And the wonderful Fiona Bruce. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:25 | |
Hello, Fiona. Lovely to see you. Very nice. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
Fiona from Antiques Roadshow. She's going to... | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: -Fiona! | 0:03:31 | 0:03:32 | |
Yeah, you like Fiona? We all love Fiona. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: -FIONA! -Yeah, all right, that's enough. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
It's my gig. Shut your face! | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
Fiona is here to give us a valuation on Nicholas Parsons. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
We're going to flog him off later. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
Anyway, yeah, so, just so you know, I took some paracetamol earlier, | 0:03:48 | 0:03:53 | |
before I came on... | 0:03:53 | 0:03:55 | |
There's nothing wrong with me... | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
At least not yet. I took 37 of them, so we'll see what happens. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:02 | |
I buy my parecetamols in King Street, just up... | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
How many of you are from round here? You know the area? | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
AUDIENCE CHEER | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
On King Street, there's a chemist. I went in there, | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
and got the paracetamol, there's a big line of people queuing up, | 0:04:14 | 0:04:18 | |
and there's this one guy rearranging all the toothbrushes on the shelf, | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
so I said, "Do you mind if I just give you the money for these and go?" | 0:04:22 | 0:04:26 | |
And do you know what he said to me? | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
He just turned round like this and said, | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
"Do I look like I work here?" | 0:04:30 | 0:04:31 | |
I said, "Well, yes, | 0:04:35 | 0:04:37 | |
"you're rearranging all the toothbrushes on the shelf." | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
He said, "I have OCD. Do you have a problem with that? | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
"I'm here for my prescription." I mean, really angry... | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
It was embarrassing, people around, I didn't know what to do, | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
I didn't know what to say. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:49 | |
I said, "Shouldn't you be getting home?" He said, "No, why?" | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
"Well, didn't you leave the gas on?" | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
Actually, you know what? | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
What I wanted to talk to you all about tonight is | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
I had a very difficult week last week, and, erm... | 0:05:07 | 0:05:11 | |
I just want to talk it through with you a bit | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
about some of the stuff that happened to me, if that's OK. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:17 | |
Very traumatic week, | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
when events conspire to, you know, depress you. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
You're not the happy-go-lucky guy you normally are, right? | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
On Monday, um, | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
on Monday I went out to my garage. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
I have a garage next to my house, can I first of all say that to you? | 0:05:33 | 0:05:37 | |
I think I can say that here in Hammersmith | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
without being accused of bragging, hopefully. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
It's a regular garage, don't get me wrong. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
I'm not one of these showbiz types who have a special kind of big | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
selection of cars and an exact replica of an Esso garage | 0:05:48 | 0:05:52 | |
with a working pump and flowers for sale | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
and Starburst on special offer, you know. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:57 | |
A big fantasy thing, you know, | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
and a demoralised Asian behind the till. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
It's just, you know, a regular... | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:03 | 0:06:04 | |
..a regular garage, right? | 0:06:04 | 0:06:05 | |
And I turned the light on - tick - | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
and the bulb blew. Boof! Just blew, like that. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:12 | |
And I thought, that... That's incredible, that is. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
I must have turned that light off | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
just in time last time. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:22 | 0:06:24 | |
I must have turned that light off with, I don't know, | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
a fortieth of a second left in its life! | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
It's a bit like having a superpower. It's like being psychic. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:34 | |
Anyway, so I think, "OK, I know what needs doing here, | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
"I'm going to change the bulb." | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
That's what you need to do in these situations. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
So I get a stepladder, I climb up, | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
change the bulb, come back down again. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Still not working. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:48 | |
Well, I don't know about you, but that's as far as I go... | 0:06:48 | 0:06:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
..with electricity. I don't... | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
I don't dabble, you know. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
So I go back indoors and call an electrician | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
and explain what's happened. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
And he turns up in the afternoon, turns up, | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
and, er, knocks on the front door, | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
and... Bear in mind that I have explained to him | 0:07:08 | 0:07:12 | |
exactly what has happened and why I've called him out. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:16 | |
We walk round to the garage, go into the garage, | 0:07:16 | 0:07:20 | |
what's the first thing he does? | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
Tries the switch, right? | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
What kind of congenital idiot... | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
..does this guy think that I am, | 0:07:30 | 0:07:31 | |
that I don't know how my house works? | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
Or maybe he thought, you know, maybe he thought | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
I went out to the garage, was about to turn on the light, and thought, | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
"No, I know what would be an awful lot more fun. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
"Get a professional electrician in to turn it on for me!" | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
Then he said, "I'll just try | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
"changing the bulb for you, in case it's that." | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
I said, "I have already told you that... | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
"You're not listening to a word I say, but go ahead." | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
Gets up, changes the bulb, back down again. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
Nothing. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
He goes, "Oh, that's funny." | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
I said, "Yeah, I'll be the judge of that, my friend. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
He said, er, | 0:08:11 | 0:08:12 | |
"Have to change the switch. Needs a new switch. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:16 | |
"But I haven't got one on the van." | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
I said, "I know, I know you haven't." | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
I just guessed when you arrived, I thought, | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
when you pulled up in that Transit, I thought, | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
"That guy has not got whatever he's going to need." | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
"He barely has enough space on that van | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
"for all the Jaffa Cakes to get him through the day." | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
He says, "I'll go off and get you one." | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
"Yeah, why don't you do that?" Off he goes. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
Off he goes to Homebase, he's back after 20, 30 minutes, whatever. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:46 | |
However long it takes to buy a new switch and think up a new price. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:51 | |
The thing is, this is what he said. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
He goes, "It's going to take me | 0:08:53 | 0:08:54 | |
"about half an hour to fit it," right? | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
And it was the way he said it, | 0:08:57 | 0:08:58 | |
that I knew very well that he was hinting big-time | 0:08:58 | 0:09:01 | |
for, um... | 0:09:01 | 0:09:02 | |
for a cup of tea or coffee. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
I picked it up in his voice, you know, it's like an intuition thing. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:08 | |
Cos he said, "I've got the switch, | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
"it's going to take me about half an hour to fit it." | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
DRY RASPING | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
"So thirsty!" | 0:09:20 | 0:09:21 | |
So you know me, I'm a nice guy, so I go, | 0:09:24 | 0:09:27 | |
"Do you...", er, or, "Would you like a cup of tea or coffee? | 0:09:27 | 0:09:31 | |
"While you're doing that." | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
And he goes, "I'd love one!" Oh, all right, OK. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:38 | |
"Which do you want, tea or coffee?" | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
And he goes, "Oh, whatever's easiest." | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
Well, there you go again, you know? | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
Do I look like someone who is going to be confused... | 0:09:45 | 0:09:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
..by either of those recipes? | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
I'm going to run back to the kitchen and burst into tears. | 0:09:56 | 0:10:00 | |
He's asked for coffee, the complicated one! | 0:10:01 | 0:10:03 | |
I don't know what I'm doing. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
I was just showing off. Now I hate myself. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
I felt insulted because, you know, out of the kindness of my heart, | 0:10:10 | 0:10:13 | |
I had offered him a tea or coffee. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:14 | |
There was no mention of that when I rang up. £25 an hour plus VAT. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
I didn't say, "Oh, and all the beverages you can drink | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
"while you're in my house." It's a little sort of humanitarian gesture. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:23 | |
A little freebie, if you will. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:25 | |
A simple question that requires a simple answer. How do you take it? | 0:10:25 | 0:10:29 | |
Oh, as it comes. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:30 | |
That's all right cos I take mustard in mine, you f-in' idiot. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
And it's not like I didn't have a choice who I call round to my house. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
We all do. Probably like you, I get a lot of flyers | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
and leaflets to the front door and I had one the other day. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:45 | |
A flyer came through and I kept it because it said, "Local handyman. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:51 | |
"Local handyman. No job too small." | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
Well, to me, I mean, that's like a challenge. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
So I rang him up. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:02 | |
I said, "Hi, I got your leaflet this morning and I was wondering | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
"if you could come over, please, cos... | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:11:09 | 0:11:10 | |
"..I've got a pencil needs sharpening." | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
Yeah, it's me again. Me again. Pencil guy. It's me, yeah. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:24 | |
Oh, please, can you come over? | 0:11:24 | 0:11:25 | |
I've got a bit of fluff on the bottom of the hoover | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
and I have no idea what to do. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:31 | |
It's me again. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:32 | |
Toilet roll needs changing. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:35 | |
Can you come over? I just need you to get another one from under the sink | 0:11:35 | 0:11:39 | |
and put it on the dispenser for me. Why can't I do it? | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Cos I've got my trousers round my ankles. Why do you think? | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
And a shitty arse! | 0:11:46 | 0:11:47 | |
Can you come over or not? Don't fancy it? | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
Don't worry cos I've still got your flyer. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
Anyway, anyway, stay with me on this. The electrician finishes. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:02 | |
He comes round the front door after half an hour, he says, | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
"That's all working now. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
"Do you want to keep the old switch?" | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
And I still don't know why I said, "Yeah. Do you think I'm crazy? | 0:12:13 | 0:12:18 | |
"I'm going to throw a thing like that away? You must be... | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
"Of course I want the old switch. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:22 | |
"I'm going to stick it on the wall right here in the hall." | 0:12:22 | 0:12:25 | |
That'll confuse people when they come over, won't it? Yeah. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
I might leave it on my mantelpiece like a... | 0:12:28 | 0:12:32 | |
like a conversation starter when people come over. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
People come over and they'll go, "Jack, | 0:12:35 | 0:12:36 | |
"what is this on your mantelpiece?" | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
I was wondering when you were going to ask. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:41 | |
Cos that, my good friend, is the switch that used to be... | 0:12:41 | 0:12:45 | |
..in the garage. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
Now, can you imagine the conversation that will flow from there? | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
Now, you're probably thinking, | 0:12:55 | 0:12:57 | |
"Jack, why did you go out to your garage?" | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
I'm going to tell you, I was having a clear out. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:03 | |
I'm not a hoarder... Something else I don't mind you knowing about me. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
I like to get rid of stuff when it accumulates. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
I don't like to keep old stacks of newspapers. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
Fwooom! It's gone. It's out of your life. It's a great feeling. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
Big box of cassettes. Fwooom! Gone! Whatever it is! | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
Next door's wind chime. Fwooom! Gone! | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
Oh, yeah, that was a midnight hop over the fence well worth it. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
I can tell you that. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
I don't understand what it is, there comes a point in your life, | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
you go to a garden centre and you become attracted to these things. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:31 | |
"Oh, look at this, you see this wind chime? | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
"This is a very nice thing, isn't it? | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
"I'm going to get one. It jingles and jangles in your tree. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
"It's made of bamboo and metal That's really relaxing. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
"I'd really like that. I think my neighbour would, as well." | 0:13:40 | 0:13:44 | |
You know, you might as well hang a slamming door in your tree or... | 0:13:44 | 0:13:49 | |
just get a toddler to play the violin all night. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
So I go to the tip and it's gone! It's out of your life, great feeling. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
I go to the tip all the time, the council tip. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
I'm a regular down there at the council tip... | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
and, sorry to report, while we're on the subject... | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
bit of an attitude problem... | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
among the people who work at the tip. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
Because, the way I look at it, | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
they're in the business of rubbish and I am bringing them rubbish. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:20 | |
But I'm not hearing the thank yous. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
Would it really hurt? | 0:14:24 | 0:14:25 | |
And, plus, they're sly, because they're watching to see what | 0:14:25 | 0:14:29 | |
you're getting out of the car all the time. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
You get something valuable out, like an old bike or something, | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
lean it against the skip... Instead of coming over and saying, | 0:14:34 | 0:14:36 | |
"Can we have the bike?", they're sly about it. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
"There's a bike, skip four. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
"Bike, skip four. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
"Get it when they've gone. Don't make eye contact. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:46 | |
"Bike, skip four." | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
I like to get all of the rubbish out of the back of my car... | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
and then put the bike back in. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
"Oh, I'm taking it to another tip. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
"Better tip than this tip." | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
So, anyway, I'm having a clear out... | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
and this is the perfect time to have a clear out, | 0:15:07 | 0:15:11 | |
because I think you've left it a polite amount of time | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
since last Christmas to get rid of the Christmas presents. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:18 | |
Time to have a clear out before you get given | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
a whole load of other stuff you don't want, right? | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
That's what I was up to, cos I was given... | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
Jane, my wife, gave me a foot spa, that's what I got. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
I unwrapped it, Christmas morning, and there it was, a foot spa. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:34 | |
She said, "I just thought you might like it." Did you? | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
This basically is a bucket... | 0:15:42 | 0:15:46 | |
..that you fill with water... | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
stand in... | 0:15:50 | 0:15:52 | |
and plug into the mains. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:54 | |
If you seriously think I'm falling for that one again... Nah, nah. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:05 | |
I didn't like it when you threw the toaster in the bath with me | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
and I am not going to like this. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
So it's gone, it's out of my life, what a great feeling it is. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
I love it. Same with the Kindle. Fwooom! It's gone! | 0:16:13 | 0:16:17 | |
Well, I've read it, so, you know... | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
And, besides, I'm old-fashioned. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:23 | |
I'm a book person, me. I love a book. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
For me, nothing more special than a book. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:27 | |
You get to the end of a good book, tear out the last five pages, | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
take it to a charity shop. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
"Aww, thank you so much." | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
You're very welcome. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
I hope somebody enjoys it as much as I did. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
Well, listen, you're a wonderful audience | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
and I've got some great comedians here tonight to bring on, | 0:16:52 | 0:16:57 | |
and one of them is a young guy that I've been watching in the clubs, | 0:16:57 | 0:17:01 | |
and he makes me sick. He does. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:03 | |
He's so... He's good, you know, he is good. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
You're going to love him. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:06 | |
Give him a huge Apollo welcome, to the very wonderful | 0:17:06 | 0:17:09 | |
Seann Walsh! Let's hear it for him, please! | 0:17:09 | 0:17:11 | |
Seann Walsh! | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
Cheers! | 0:17:20 | 0:17:21 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:24 | |
-Thank you. Hello. -AUDIENCE: Hello! | 0:17:24 | 0:17:27 | |
Hello! | 0:17:27 | 0:17:28 | |
It's good to be here. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
I'm unhealthy. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
I binge drink... | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
Do you do that? I'm a binge drinker. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
I'm one of those... | 0:17:38 | 0:17:40 | |
-SCATTERED CHEERS -No, it's not good. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
It's not good, is it? | 0:17:42 | 0:17:43 | |
Sometimes, I'll drink till I vomit. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
That's terrible, it is! I don't feel sick... | 0:17:46 | 0:17:50 | |
I don't think I'm going to be sick, | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
I feel fine, I'll just be having a chat at the bar... | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
"What we'll do is, on Tuesday, right, if we meet up at..." | 0:17:54 | 0:17:57 | |
HE HEAVES | 0:17:57 | 0:17:58 | |
You know, when your whole head fills up with one portion of vomit. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:08 | |
I call it the puffer fish. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
You have to get to the toilet before the second portion comes up. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
Otherwise, you're trying to hold it in with your hands. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
It's spraying through the gaps in your fingers! | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
Sorry! Excuse me, sorry! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
Oh, God! | 0:18:27 | 0:18:28 | |
It's not good for you, binge drinking, is it? | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
They advertise it. They tell us, "Don't binge drink. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:35 | |
"Don't drink and drive." What the other one? | 0:18:35 | 0:18:38 | |
"Don't drink and take antibiotics." Come on. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
No-one's ever listened to that, have they? The doctor says, "Don't drink. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
"Take these. Take these for three weeks. Don't drink alcohol." | 0:18:47 | 0:18:50 | |
Yeah, this conversation has never happened. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
"Want to come for a pint?" "I can't. I'm on antibiotics." "I understand." | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
I really suffer from the hangover. I get every hangover, | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
every single one, all the way from the bottom, | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
the niggling headache, all the way up to vomiting, migraine, | 0:19:08 | 0:19:12 | |
all the way up to the worst one... You know the worst one? | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
My God... The one where you wake up in the morning | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
and you don't have one. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
Not only do you not have one, | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
you feel brilliant! | 0:19:24 | 0:19:25 | |
Because you are... | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
shit-faced! | 0:19:29 | 0:19:30 | |
You know that one? | 0:19:33 | 0:19:34 | |
Bursting into the kitchen, into the living room, | 0:19:36 | 0:19:39 | |
your friend's on the sofa... | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
"I think I got away with it! Woo! | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
"I feel good! | 0:19:44 | 0:19:45 | |
"I thought I'd at least have a headache, be a bit tired, | 0:19:45 | 0:19:48 | |
"but I feel good! Woo-hoo! | 0:19:48 | 0:19:49 | |
-"Yes!" -HE LAUGHS | 0:19:49 | 0:19:51 | |
"What shall we do? Let's do something! | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
"Let's go out! Let's go for a roast!" | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
"How good was last night? | 0:19:57 | 0:19:58 | |
"Let's go out for a roast, come on, let's do it again!" | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:20:00 | 0:20:04 | |
LAUGHING BECOMES HYSTERICAL | 0:20:04 | 0:20:09 | |
I can't breathe! | 0:20:10 | 0:20:11 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:20:11 | 0:20:15 | |
LAUGHTER BECOMES CRYING | 0:20:15 | 0:20:19 | |
Shut the curtains... Please, shut the curtains... | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
Sometimes I've already left the house. It's too late. I'm on a bus. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:52 | |
This happened to me recently on a bus. Hung-over. Public transport. | 0:20:56 | 0:21:01 | |
Sweating, purple eye bags. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
No free seat. Everyone knew I was hung-over. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:07 | |
They were looking at me. They knew I was hung-over. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
Not cos of the eye bags or the sweat but because I was holding Lucozade. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:14 | |
Let's get this straight now. Lucozade is not for sport, | 0:21:19 | 0:21:23 | |
is it? Come on. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:24 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
Is it? No. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
You see the ads. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
In the ads, all these blokes, eight-pack, top off, running | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
on the treadmills, wires on their body connected to a machine. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
"Lucozade Sport!" | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
We all know Lucozade is for the hangover. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
That ad should just be a man on a bus crying. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
Head against the bus window. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
With a slogan, "Lucozade. Buy two bottles if you've got work." | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
Well, I'd buy that. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:10 | |
Who's on the bus? I think I can't handle this. There's no seat. | 0:22:17 | 0:22:21 | |
It's packed. I need to get off this bus. I need to... | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
I need to get off this bus. I thought, "No, I'll risk it." | 0:22:23 | 0:22:26 | |
I'll go upstairs. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
I'm going to go upstairs. I'll go upstairs on the bus. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
I'm going to do this. I'm going to do it. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
I put my foot on the first step, which, as we all know, | 0:22:32 | 0:22:36 | |
allows the driver to know to speed up. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:39 | 0:22:40 | |
Trying to get up the steps on a bus is like being on an episode | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
of Takeshi's Castle. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:47 | 0:22:48 | |
I got to the top of the stairs. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
No free seats. | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
There is no moment... | 0:23:01 | 0:23:02 | |
..in life... | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
you look... | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
a bigger... | 0:23:08 | 0:23:09 | |
..dick... | 0:23:10 | 0:23:11 | |
..than when 38 people are looking at you and all they see is... | 0:23:13 | 0:23:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:23 | 0:23:24 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:23:55 | 0:23:56 | |
Awful. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:57 | |
Oh, God. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:01 | |
Cos I find it very difficult to have the one, the one drink, | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
that's my problem. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:06 | |
Sometimes I convince myself. I go, "This will be it. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:09 | |
"I'll have this, then I'll go home. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
"It'll be fine. I'll go home. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:13 | |
"We'll have this, then we go home, yeah, yeah, deal? | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
"Finish this, off home? Yeah, yeah? Sure, sure, yeah?" | 0:24:16 | 0:24:20 | |
There's always one mate that'll lean in with a big grin on his face, | 0:24:20 | 0:24:24 | |
wide eyed... | 0:24:24 | 0:24:25 | |
"Jagerbomb? | 0:24:25 | 0:24:26 | |
"Eh, eh, Jagerbombs?" | 0:24:29 | 0:24:30 | |
I can't go for a quiet drink any more | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
without it leading to ...king Jagerbombs! | 0:24:32 | 0:24:36 | |
Crazy drink! Insane drink! | 0:24:36 | 0:24:38 | |
Shots of Jagermeister, | 0:24:38 | 0:24:39 | |
that we drop into a bigger glass of Red Bull! | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
So bad for you. You drink one of these, you lie in bed | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
until five in the morning going, | 0:24:47 | 0:24:48 | |
"I don't know why I can't get to sleep." | 0:24:48 | 0:24:50 | |
So bad. You can tell the people that have been drinking them | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
at the end of the night, cos they go a different drunk, crazy! | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
You can spot them a mile off at the kebab shop. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
They just burst in... | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
Booomf! | 0:25:08 | 0:25:09 | |
"All right, mate, can I get a large doner, no salad, | 0:25:09 | 0:25:11 | |
"here's a tenner, keep the change." Walk out without the kebab. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:15 | |
Such a bad drink! | 0:25:21 | 0:25:23 | |
Sometimes it's my fault, I'm the culprit. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:27 | |
I'll go to the bar, just think I'm ordering a nice, normal round, | 0:25:27 | 0:25:31 | |
an innocent round... | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
"Can I get a couple of pints and... | 0:25:33 | 0:25:37 | |
"an ale, please, and a stout? Cheers, that'll be lovely, thanks." | 0:25:37 | 0:25:41 | |
Then the barman will ask that magic question... | 0:25:41 | 0:25:45 | |
"Anything else, mate?" | 0:25:45 | 0:25:46 | |
-SLOW MOTION: -"Wait there a second." | 0:26:01 | 0:26:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:27 | 0:26:31 | |
Five...Jager....bombs! | 0:26:42 | 0:26:48 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:26:49 | 0:26:50 | |
My friends have no idea what is about to happen. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:04 | |
They're sat there, I'm bombing it through the pub with the tray. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:08 | |
-SLOW MOTION: -"Jagerbombs!" | 0:27:15 | 0:27:19 | |
There's always the reluctant one... | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
you know... | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
the pussy. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:24 | |
-SLOW MOTION: -"No, no, no! | 0:27:24 | 0:27:28 | |
"I've got a job interview in the morning!" | 0:27:28 | 0:27:34 | |
And as a friend, you know, we support him... | 0:27:37 | 0:27:40 | |
-SLOW MOTION: -"Shut the hell up and down it!" | 0:27:40 | 0:27:45 | |
"I'm on antibiotics!" | 0:27:47 | 0:27:50 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
There's always one already gone. | 0:27:58 | 0:27:59 | |
Straightaway, one has disappeared. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:01 | |
-SLOW MOTION: -"Where's yours?" | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
"I didn't know we were doing them together!" | 0:28:04 | 0:28:10 | |
"Quickly, go and get another one!" | 0:28:12 | 0:28:16 | |
"Let's do this!" | 0:28:18 | 0:28:21 | |
HE SLURPS | 0:28:24 | 0:28:25 | |
Boof! | 0:28:26 | 0:28:28 | |
"Yes, get in... | 0:28:28 | 0:28:30 | |
"nyeh, nyeh... | 0:28:30 | 0:28:33 | |
"nye, gargh!" | 0:28:33 | 0:28:35 | |
"That was close. For a second there, I..." | 0:28:41 | 0:28:44 | |
HE HEAVES | 0:28:44 | 0:28:46 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, Live At The Apollo, | 0:28:49 | 0:28:52 | |
thank you very much, good night, cheers, bye! | 0:28:52 | 0:28:55 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:55 | 0:28:56 | |
Seann Walsh. | 0:29:03 | 0:29:05 | |
Seann Walsh. | 0:29:06 | 0:29:08 | |
If he was my son-in-law, I'd kill him. I would. | 0:29:08 | 0:29:12 | |
I'd find a way. I'd mow him down in the car or whatever, | 0:29:13 | 0:29:15 | |
just get rid of him. | 0:29:15 | 0:29:17 | |
Yeah, anyway, I was talking earlier about this | 0:29:18 | 0:29:22 | |
traumatic week I had last week. | 0:29:22 | 0:29:24 | |
On Monday, I went to the garage, you know, my garage... | 0:29:24 | 0:29:27 | |
Anyway, Tuesday, I have this incident which is a bit unfortunate. | 0:29:27 | 0:29:33 | |
First of all, let me just run this past you. | 0:29:33 | 0:29:37 | |
My neighbour comes round. | 0:29:37 | 0:29:39 | |
My view is, if post comes through your letter box, | 0:29:39 | 0:29:43 | |
that means it's yours. | 0:29:43 | 0:29:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:29:44 | 0:29:46 | |
Exactly, so we're all agreed on that. | 0:29:46 | 0:29:49 | |
Regardless of name and address and all that detail, right? | 0:29:50 | 0:29:54 | |
So he knocks on the door at about ten o'clock, he says, | 0:29:54 | 0:29:57 | |
"Has the post been delivered?" | 0:29:57 | 0:29:59 | |
And I said, "Yeah, yeah, about nine o'clock." | 0:29:59 | 0:30:01 | |
And he says, "Well, was there a package, did a package come?" | 0:30:01 | 0:30:05 | |
I said, "Yeah, yeah, it did." | 0:30:05 | 0:30:07 | |
He said, "Well, did it have my name and address on it?" | 0:30:07 | 0:30:10 | |
I said, "Yeah, yeah, it did." | 0:30:10 | 0:30:12 | |
In fairness, it did. | 0:30:12 | 0:30:14 | |
And he said, "Well, please, may I have it?" | 0:30:14 | 0:30:18 | |
"Well, not really, because it came through my letter box, so... | 0:30:18 | 0:30:21 | |
"that makes it mine now, best forget about it." | 0:30:21 | 0:30:23 | |
Well, he went completely nuts! | 0:30:23 | 0:30:26 | |
I mean, it was embarrassing, it was undignified, | 0:30:26 | 0:30:29 | |
he was yelling and screaming at me on the front door, | 0:30:29 | 0:30:32 | |
he was shouting stuff at me - "You don't even need insulin!" | 0:30:32 | 0:30:35 | |
You know, it was really just... LAUGHTER | 0:30:35 | 0:30:38 | |
..a horrible scene. | 0:30:39 | 0:30:41 | |
I didn't like to see him in that state. | 0:30:42 | 0:30:44 | |
He was all shaking, I had to walk him back to his house, | 0:30:44 | 0:30:47 | |
he was talking gibberish, he was... | 0:30:47 | 0:30:49 | |
He was going, "Have you seen my wind chime?" | 0:30:49 | 0:30:50 | |
"No, I haven't." | 0:30:50 | 0:30:52 | |
Well, backstage we have a wonderful comedian | 0:30:54 | 0:30:58 | |
that is one of my big favourites on the circuit. | 0:30:58 | 0:31:00 | |
Whenever I see him, I love him. | 0:31:00 | 0:31:02 | |
I know you're going to love him, as well. | 0:31:02 | 0:31:04 | |
Please give a huge Apollo welcome to the wonderful Milton Jones! | 0:31:04 | 0:31:08 | |
Let's hear it for Milton! | 0:31:08 | 0:31:10 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:31:10 | 0:31:11 | |
MUSIC: "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer | 0:31:11 | 0:31:14 | |
So, good evening. | 0:31:31 | 0:31:32 | |
WHOOPING AND CHEERING | 0:31:32 | 0:31:34 | |
Incredible to think, isn't it? | 0:31:35 | 0:31:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:31:39 | 0:31:41 | |
That the Chinese language | 0:31:45 | 0:31:47 | |
started off as English in England. | 0:31:47 | 0:31:49 | |
Then one person whispered it to another person... | 0:31:51 | 0:31:53 | |
Bit of a weird day today. | 0:32:04 | 0:32:06 | |
I found a hole in the back of my wardrobe. | 0:32:07 | 0:32:09 | |
I went though | 0:32:11 | 0:32:13 | |
to a strange and mysterious land... | 0:32:13 | 0:32:15 | |
..where my neighbour was sitting in the bath. | 0:32:17 | 0:32:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:19 | 0:32:21 | |
What else can I tell you about myself? | 0:32:23 | 0:32:26 | |
I like my tea like my women... | 0:32:26 | 0:32:29 | |
big, black and with a penguin. | 0:32:29 | 0:32:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:31 | 0:32:32 | |
Obviously, I'm Caucasian... | 0:32:45 | 0:32:47 | |
Yes, my mum's from a city in Ireland and my dad's Japanese. | 0:32:47 | 0:32:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:50 | 0:32:53 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:32:53 | 0:32:56 | |
Couldn't sleep last night, I was too hot. | 0:33:01 | 0:33:04 | |
Then the smoke alarm went off! | 0:33:04 | 0:33:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:06 | 0:33:08 | |
Put it on snooze. | 0:33:11 | 0:33:12 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:33:12 | 0:33:15 | |
Then the phone went off, picked it up, | 0:33:18 | 0:33:20 | |
a voice said, "Can you speak?" | 0:33:20 | 0:33:22 | |
I said, "How did you think this conversation was going to work?" | 0:33:22 | 0:33:25 | |
Then I recognised the voice of my mother, | 0:33:28 | 0:33:30 | |
the very woman who taught me to speak in the first place. | 0:33:30 | 0:33:33 | |
She said, "Listen, it's your dad." | 0:33:33 | 0:33:36 | |
I said, "That is the worst impression..." | 0:33:39 | 0:33:41 | |
Do you ever have a conversation with someone, | 0:33:45 | 0:33:47 | |
and towards the end, they say, "Well, I'll let you go." | 0:33:47 | 0:33:51 | |
You think, "Yeah, thanks." | 0:33:53 | 0:33:55 | |
"Oh, I see what you're saying. You're trying to make me | 0:33:57 | 0:33:59 | |
"think that you think that I've got better things to do, | 0:33:59 | 0:34:02 | |
"but, in reality, you're saying you've got better things to do!" | 0:34:02 | 0:34:05 | |
Well, next time somebody says, "I'll let you go", say "No." | 0:34:05 | 0:34:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:34:08 | 0:34:09 | |
Shut the door. | 0:34:12 | 0:34:13 | |
If they make a sudden dive for the window, grab them by their ankles. | 0:34:15 | 0:34:18 | |
And as they're dangling four storeys over the car park, screaming, | 0:34:18 | 0:34:21 | |
"It's all been a terrible mistake," | 0:34:21 | 0:34:23 | |
say, "OK, I'll let you go." | 0:34:23 | 0:34:25 | |
So, it turns out | 0:34:30 | 0:34:32 | |
not all horses are Trojan horses... | 0:34:32 | 0:34:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:34:36 | 0:34:38 | |
I know that now. | 0:34:39 | 0:34:40 | |
That was a messy afternoon. | 0:34:42 | 0:34:44 | |
Health and safety - that's a minefield, isn't it? | 0:34:46 | 0:34:49 | |
Don't tell them. | 0:34:49 | 0:34:51 | |
I used to work in IKEA | 0:34:54 | 0:34:56 | |
selling over 7,000 different items. | 0:34:56 | 0:34:58 | |
Give me a number between one and 7,000, I'll tell you about it. | 0:34:58 | 0:35:02 | |
Eight! | 0:35:02 | 0:35:03 | |
Eight - sorry, out of stock. | 0:35:03 | 0:35:05 | |
Well, it's not easy, travelling around all the time on the road... | 0:35:09 | 0:35:12 | |
Oh, no... | 0:35:12 | 0:35:13 | |
The AA, RAC, Green Flag... | 0:35:13 | 0:35:16 | |
don't get me started. | 0:35:16 | 0:35:17 | |
You know, it was so cold last week in the city of Chester... | 0:35:26 | 0:35:30 | |
when I ordered a taxi, I ended up in Chichester. | 0:35:30 | 0:35:33 | |
The interesting thing, of course, about travelling around | 0:35:43 | 0:35:45 | |
is you find out a little bit | 0:35:45 | 0:35:47 | |
about the histories of the places you're visiting. | 0:35:47 | 0:35:49 | |
I didn't realise, but years ago all the men in Chester got together | 0:35:49 | 0:35:53 | |
and they went to live in Manchester. | 0:35:53 | 0:35:56 | |
Centuries ago all the women got together, | 0:35:56 | 0:35:59 | |
and they're still getting ready. | 0:35:59 | 0:36:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:36:01 | 0:36:03 | |
People from Yorkshire are very proud of calling a spade a spade. | 0:36:08 | 0:36:11 | |
I've got news for them... | 0:36:11 | 0:36:13 | |
so does everyone else. | 0:36:13 | 0:36:15 | |
Apparently the Government's going to give the north of England | 0:36:17 | 0:36:19 | |
a huge boost, and then all the people can come out | 0:36:19 | 0:36:22 | |
and lick the chocolate off it. | 0:36:22 | 0:36:23 | |
If a Welshman says "This is my fantasy," | 0:36:28 | 0:36:31 | |
he might just be talking about his fizzy drink. | 0:36:31 | 0:36:33 | |
I did a show in Liverpool, recently. | 0:36:46 | 0:36:48 | |
A bloke came up to me afterwards and said, "Hey, listen, | 0:36:48 | 0:36:51 | |
"I want to talk." | 0:36:51 | 0:36:52 | |
I said, "Well, just keep practising." | 0:36:52 | 0:36:54 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:36:54 | 0:36:56 | |
Recently, I said to my long-standing girlfriend, | 0:37:01 | 0:37:04 | |
"Sit down, will you?" | 0:37:04 | 0:37:06 | |
"Will you marry me?", I spelt out in balloons | 0:37:13 | 0:37:15 | |
outside of the house of the girl I'd only met on the internet. | 0:37:15 | 0:37:19 | |
Then I saw her face, and I popped the question. | 0:37:19 | 0:37:22 | |
Do you ever do that thing when you're on the phone? | 0:37:31 | 0:37:33 | |
"You put it down!" | 0:37:33 | 0:37:35 | |
"No, you put it down!" | 0:37:38 | 0:37:40 | |
"No, you put it down!" | 0:37:41 | 0:37:44 | |
"Ho-ho! You put it down!" | 0:37:47 | 0:37:51 | |
"Listen, it's an old dog and you're a qualified vet." | 0:37:53 | 0:37:56 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:37:56 | 0:37:59 | |
I met my wife on the net - | 0:38:08 | 0:38:10 | |
we were both rubbish trapeze artists. | 0:38:10 | 0:38:12 | |
When me and my wife got together | 0:38:18 | 0:38:19 | |
she insisted we had separate bank accounts. | 0:38:19 | 0:38:21 | |
Unfortunately I thought she said "Cypriot". | 0:38:21 | 0:38:24 | |
Recently, my wife's been giving me the silent treatment. | 0:38:29 | 0:38:32 | |
Lying there, day after day, beginning to smell a bit now... | 0:38:32 | 0:38:36 | |
Lads, do you ever get given a job to do, so you deliberately do it | 0:38:41 | 0:38:44 | |
really, really badly, so you never get asked to do that job again? | 0:38:44 | 0:38:49 | |
I mean, I hardly know CPR anyway. | 0:38:50 | 0:38:52 | |
Anyway, it turns out not all pigs are piggybanks. | 0:38:58 | 0:39:01 | |
I know that now. | 0:39:03 | 0:39:05 | |
That was a messy afternoon. | 0:39:05 | 0:39:08 | |
Recently, I've been diagnosed with attention defic... | 0:39:11 | 0:39:14 | |
Look at those lights! | 0:39:14 | 0:39:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:39:15 | 0:39:17 | |
Pritt is not the best lip salve I've ever used... | 0:39:20 | 0:39:24 | |
..but I couldn't complain. | 0:39:26 | 0:39:28 | |
So any students here? | 0:39:32 | 0:39:34 | |
WHOOPING AND CHEERING | 0:39:35 | 0:39:37 | |
What are you studying, helium? | 0:39:37 | 0:39:38 | |
No, it's a good course, | 0:39:41 | 0:39:42 | |
people speak very highly. | 0:39:42 | 0:39:44 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:39:44 | 0:39:46 | |
What else are you studying? | 0:39:52 | 0:39:54 | |
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Law! | 0:39:55 | 0:39:56 | |
-Law? -HE CHUCKLES | 0:39:56 | 0:39:57 | |
WHOOPING | 0:39:57 | 0:39:59 | |
Practising police sirens, eh? | 0:39:59 | 0:40:01 | |
I don't trust lawyers, | 0:40:05 | 0:40:06 | |
even the word is just "liar" with a West Country accent. | 0:40:06 | 0:40:09 | |
-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: -As in, "You big fat lawyer!" | 0:40:11 | 0:40:13 | |
That's probably how it all started, isn't it? | 0:40:17 | 0:40:20 | |
Some bloke came back from the Battle of Hastings and someone said, | 0:40:20 | 0:40:22 | |
"That arrow in your head's the best thing | 0:40:22 | 0:40:24 | |
"that's ever happened to you." | 0:40:24 | 0:40:26 | |
"You big fat lawyer!" | 0:40:26 | 0:40:27 | |
"Yes, and if you've been injured at work | 0:40:28 | 0:40:30 | |
"you could be entitled to compensation." | 0:40:30 | 0:40:33 | |
I've had a lot of jobs in my life. | 0:40:39 | 0:40:40 | |
I was a bouncer for a while. | 0:40:41 | 0:40:44 | |
Space Hopper showroom. | 0:40:44 | 0:40:45 | |
Then I was a weatherman. | 0:40:49 | 0:40:51 | |
In fact, does anyone want to buy a broken barometer? | 0:40:51 | 0:40:54 | |
No pressure. | 0:40:54 | 0:40:56 | |
Calvin Klein's mum has labelled everyone else's pants. | 0:40:59 | 0:41:03 | |
Not that I'm a good parent. | 0:41:08 | 0:41:09 | |
Apparently, I didn't even turn up to one of my own children's | 0:41:09 | 0:41:12 | |
christenings, according to one of them, | 0:41:12 | 0:41:14 | |
who shall remain nameless. | 0:41:14 | 0:41:16 | |
Still, better than the father of former Chinese Premier Deng Xiaoping | 0:41:20 | 0:41:23 | |
who made the mistake of having his son christened | 0:41:23 | 0:41:26 | |
in the same room as a microwave. | 0:41:26 | 0:41:28 | |
Anyway, it turns out not all ducks are toilet ducks. | 0:41:33 | 0:41:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:41:36 | 0:41:38 | |
I know that now. | 0:41:40 | 0:41:42 | |
That was a messy afternoon. | 0:41:44 | 0:41:46 | |
To be honest... Cos people say that, as well, don't they? | 0:41:47 | 0:41:50 | |
What do you mean, "to be honest"? | 0:41:50 | 0:41:52 | |
You mean everything you've been saying so far hasn't been honest? | 0:41:52 | 0:41:55 | |
Well, how can we trust what you're going to say now? | 0:41:55 | 0:41:58 | |
Anyway, you've been a great audience, but, to be honest... | 0:41:58 | 0:42:01 | |
..I'll let you go... | 0:42:03 | 0:42:05 | |
Sometimes, people say to me, "This is all very well, | 0:42:07 | 0:42:09 | |
"you saying these things, you dressing like that, | 0:42:09 | 0:42:11 | |
"but who are you? | 0:42:11 | 0:42:13 | |
"Where do you come from?" | 0:42:13 | 0:42:15 | |
I say, "Well, if I told you | 0:42:15 | 0:42:17 | |
"it wouldn't actually be that interesting." | 0:42:17 | 0:42:20 | |
And they said, "No, we're the police." | 0:42:20 | 0:42:22 | |
So I show them my ID... | 0:42:25 | 0:42:27 | |
and I say, "As you can see, | 0:42:27 | 0:42:29 | |
"I am Dr Irving Likensay." | 0:42:29 | 0:42:32 | |
They say "No, this just says 'Driving Licence'." | 0:42:34 | 0:42:37 | |
That's all from me. Thanks very much, good night! | 0:42:49 | 0:42:51 | |
Milton Jones! | 0:43:00 | 0:43:01 | |
Oh! | 0:43:01 | 0:43:03 | |
Er, listen, you have been a really, really wonderful audience. | 0:43:05 | 0:43:08 | |
Can I just ask you, though, just to say one thing... | 0:43:08 | 0:43:10 | |
Thank you very, very much to our comedians tonight. | 0:43:10 | 0:43:12 | |
We saw Seann Walsh! | 0:43:12 | 0:43:14 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:43:14 | 0:43:16 | |
And Milton Jones! | 0:43:16 | 0:43:18 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:43:18 | 0:43:19 | |
I very much hope I'll see you all again. | 0:43:19 | 0:43:22 | |
Thank you very much and good night! | 0:43:22 | 0:43:23 | |
Thank you so much! Good night! | 0:43:23 | 0:43:25 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:43:25 | 0:43:27 |