Episode 2 Live at the Apollo


Episode 2

Jack Dee returns to host Live at the Apollo. His special guests are the irrepressible Seann Walsh and one-liner king Milton Jones.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Jack Dee!

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Thank you.

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Thank you so much and welcome.

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It's really great to be back at Live At The Apollo.

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Yeah.

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I don't know what happened. All those years have gone by.

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2004, we started this whole thing,

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and, in all that time, we've done nine... This is the ninth series.

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Can you believe?

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And it's gone global, and it's introduced many

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huge stars who've become household names since then...

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And...

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Personally I can't tell you how much I regret that.

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Yeah, seeing people just overtake you and...

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Next time I have an idea, I'm just going to take a gun

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and shoot myself through the foot. It'll be less painful, frankly.

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So, I hosted the first two series, you may remember...

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you, thank you. I moved on...

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I moved on to work on other projects.

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I say moved on to work on other projects,

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cos "sacked" is such an ugly word.

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But this is great.

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I've been on the road for nearly all year, actually,

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this year, and people always want to know,

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"What's it like when you're touring?"

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And, you know, the reality is...

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you spend a lot of time in the car, listening to your old CDs,

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and a lot of time in hotel rooms watching movies

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late into the night, drinking beer from the mini bar...

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Live off fast food... I get to see my kids every...

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Every couple of weeks, I speak to my wife most days on my phone...

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It's perfect.

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Oh, yeah, I've cracked it. I have cracked it.

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Let me tell you, relationships - so much easier from a distance.

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Yeah, hmm. "Miss you too." Send!

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Why didn't I think of this years ago?

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"Ohhh, the boiler's packed up, there's no hot water!"

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"Hot water in hotel fine."

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So, can I just say hello to Nicholas Parsons,

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who's in the audience? We're very honoured to have you here, sir.

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Thank you very much, sir. Very lovely to have you here.

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Nicholas, I hope won't mind me saying, is in his 90th year.

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He won't mind me saying that cos he won't hear it!

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We're honoured to have someone from showbiz of his age who isn't on bail.

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It's fantastic, really.

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It is, well done, yeah.

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And the wonderful Fiona Bruce.

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Hello, Fiona. Lovely to see you. Very nice.

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Fiona from Antiques Roadshow. She's going to...

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Fiona!

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Yeah, you like Fiona? We all love Fiona.

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-FIONA!

-Yeah, all right, that's enough.

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It's my gig. Shut your face!

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Fiona is here to give us a valuation on Nicholas Parsons.

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We're going to flog him off later.

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Anyway, yeah, so, just so you know, I took some paracetamol earlier,

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before I came on...

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There's nothing wrong with me...

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At least not yet. I took 37 of them, so we'll see what happens.

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I buy my parecetamols in King Street, just up...

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How many of you are from round here? You know the area?

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AUDIENCE CHEER

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On King Street, there's a chemist. I went in there,

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and got the paracetamol, there's a big line of people queuing up,

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and there's this one guy rearranging all the toothbrushes on the shelf,

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so I said, "Do you mind if I just give you the money for these and go?"

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And do you know what he said to me?

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He just turned round like this and said,

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"Do I look like I work here?"

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I said, "Well, yes,

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"you're rearranging all the toothbrushes on the shelf."

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He said, "I have OCD. Do you have a problem with that?

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"I'm here for my prescription." I mean, really angry...

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It was embarrassing, people around, I didn't know what to do,

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I didn't know what to say.

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I said, "Shouldn't you be getting home?" He said, "No, why?"

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"Well, didn't you leave the gas on?"

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LAUGHTER

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Actually, you know what?

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What I wanted to talk to you all about tonight is

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I had a very difficult week last week, and, erm...

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I just want to talk it through with you a bit

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about some of the stuff that happened to me, if that's OK.

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Very traumatic week,

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when events conspire to, you know, depress you.

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You're not the happy-go-lucky guy you normally are, right?

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LAUGHTER

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On Monday, um,

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on Monday I went out to my garage.

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I have a garage next to my house, can I first of all say that to you?

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I think I can say that here in Hammersmith

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without being accused of bragging, hopefully.

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It's a regular garage, don't get me wrong.

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I'm not one of these showbiz types who have a special kind of big

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selection of cars and an exact replica of an Esso garage

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with a working pump and flowers for sale

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and Starburst on special offer, you know.

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A big fantasy thing, you know,

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and a demoralised Asian behind the till.

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It's just, you know, a regular...

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LAUGHTER

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..a regular garage, right?

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And I turned the light on - tick -

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and the bulb blew. Boof! Just blew, like that.

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And I thought, that... That's incredible, that is.

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I must have turned that light off

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just in time last time.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I must have turned that light off with, I don't know,

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a fortieth of a second left in its life!

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It's a bit like having a superpower. It's like being psychic.

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Anyway, so I think, "OK, I know what needs doing here,

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"I'm going to change the bulb."

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That's what you need to do in these situations.

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So I get a stepladder, I climb up,

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change the bulb, come back down again.

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Still not working.

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Well, I don't know about you, but that's as far as I go...

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LAUGHTER

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..with electricity. I don't...

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I don't dabble, you know.

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So I go back indoors and call an electrician

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and explain what's happened.

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And he turns up in the afternoon, turns up,

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and, er, knocks on the front door,

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and... Bear in mind that I have explained to him

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exactly what has happened and why I've called him out.

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We walk round to the garage, go into the garage,

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what's the first thing he does?

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Tries the switch, right?

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What kind of congenital idiot...

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LAUGHTER

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..does this guy think that I am,

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that I don't know how my house works?

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Or maybe he thought, you know, maybe he thought

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I went out to the garage, was about to turn on the light, and thought,

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"No, I know what would be an awful lot more fun.

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"Get a professional electrician in to turn it on for me!"

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Then he said, "I'll just try

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"changing the bulb for you, in case it's that."

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I said, "I have already told you that...

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"You're not listening to a word I say, but go ahead."

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Gets up, changes the bulb, back down again.

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Nothing.

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He goes, "Oh, that's funny."

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I said, "Yeah, I'll be the judge of that, my friend.

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LAUGHTER

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He said, er,

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"Have to change the switch. Needs a new switch.

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"But I haven't got one on the van."

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I said, "I know, I know you haven't."

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I just guessed when you arrived, I thought,

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when you pulled up in that Transit, I thought,

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"That guy has not got whatever he's going to need."

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LAUGHTER

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"He barely has enough space on that van

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"for all the Jaffa Cakes to get him through the day."

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He says, "I'll go off and get you one."

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"Yeah, why don't you do that?" Off he goes.

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Off he goes to Homebase, he's back after 20, 30 minutes, whatever.

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However long it takes to buy a new switch and think up a new price.

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The thing is, this is what he said.

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He goes, "It's going to take me

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"about half an hour to fit it," right?

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And it was the way he said it,

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that I knew very well that he was hinting big-time

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for, um...

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for a cup of tea or coffee.

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I picked it up in his voice, you know, it's like an intuition thing.

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Cos he said, "I've got the switch,

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"it's going to take me about half an hour to fit it."

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DRY RASPING

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LAUGHTER

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"So thirsty!"

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So you know me, I'm a nice guy, so I go,

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"Do you...", er, or, "Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?

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"While you're doing that."

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And he goes, "I'd love one!" Oh, all right, OK.

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"Which do you want, tea or coffee?"

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And he goes, "Oh, whatever's easiest."

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Well, there you go again, you know?

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Do I look like someone who is going to be confused...

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LAUGHTER

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..by either of those recipes?

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I'm going to run back to the kitchen and burst into tears.

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He's asked for coffee, the complicated one!

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I don't know what I'm doing.

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I was just showing off. Now I hate myself.

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I felt insulted because, you know, out of the kindness of my heart,

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I had offered him a tea or coffee.

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There was no mention of that when I rang up. £25 an hour plus VAT.

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I didn't say, "Oh, and all the beverages you can drink

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"while you're in my house." It's a little sort of humanitarian gesture.

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A little freebie, if you will.

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A simple question that requires a simple answer. How do you take it?

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Oh, as it comes.

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That's all right cos I take mustard in mine, you f-in' idiot.

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And it's not like I didn't have a choice who I call round to my house.

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We all do. Probably like you, I get a lot of flyers

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and leaflets to the front door and I had one the other day.

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A flyer came through and I kept it because it said, "Local handyman.

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"Local handyman. No job too small."

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Well, to me, I mean, that's like a challenge.

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So I rang him up.

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I said, "Hi, I got your leaflet this morning and I was wondering

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"if you could come over, please, cos...

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HE SIGHS

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"..I've got a pencil needs sharpening."

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Yeah, it's me again. Me again. Pencil guy. It's me, yeah.

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Oh, please, can you come over?

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I've got a bit of fluff on the bottom of the hoover

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and I have no idea what to do.

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It's me again.

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Toilet roll needs changing.

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Can you come over? I just need you to get another one from under the sink

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and put it on the dispenser for me. Why can't I do it?

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Cos I've got my trousers round my ankles. Why do you think?

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And a shitty arse!

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Can you come over or not? Don't fancy it?

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Don't worry cos I've still got your flyer.

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Anyway, anyway, stay with me on this. The electrician finishes.

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He comes round the front door after half an hour, he says,

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"That's all working now.

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"Do you want to keep the old switch?"

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And I still don't know why I said, "Yeah. Do you think I'm crazy?

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"I'm going to throw a thing like that away? You must be...

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"Of course I want the old switch.

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"I'm going to stick it on the wall right here in the hall."

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That'll confuse people when they come over, won't it? Yeah.

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I might leave it on my mantelpiece like a...

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like a conversation starter when people come over.

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People come over and they'll go, "Jack,

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"what is this on your mantelpiece?"

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I was wondering when you were going to ask.

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Cos that, my good friend, is the switch that used to be...

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..in the garage.

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Now, can you imagine the conversation that will flow from there?

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Now, you're probably thinking,

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"Jack, why did you go out to your garage?"

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I'm going to tell you, I was having a clear out.

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I'm not a hoarder... Something else I don't mind you knowing about me.

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I like to get rid of stuff when it accumulates.

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I don't like to keep old stacks of newspapers.

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Fwooom! It's gone. It's out of your life. It's a great feeling.

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Big box of cassettes. Fwooom! Gone! Whatever it is!

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Next door's wind chime. Fwooom! Gone!

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Oh, yeah, that was a midnight hop over the fence well worth it.

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I can tell you that.

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I don't understand what it is, there comes a point in your life,

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you go to a garden centre and you become attracted to these things.

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"Oh, look at this, you see this wind chime?

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"This is a very nice thing, isn't it?

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"I'm going to get one. It jingles and jangles in your tree.

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"It's made of bamboo and metal That's really relaxing.

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"I'd really like that. I think my neighbour would, as well."

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You know, you might as well hang a slamming door in your tree or...

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just get a toddler to play the violin all night.

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So I go to the tip and it's gone! It's out of your life, great feeling.

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I go to the tip all the time, the council tip.

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I'm a regular down there at the council tip...

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and, sorry to report, while we're on the subject...

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bit of an attitude problem...

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among the people who work at the tip.

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Because, the way I look at it,

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they're in the business of rubbish and I am bringing them rubbish.

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But I'm not hearing the thank yous.

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Would it really hurt?

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And, plus, they're sly, because they're watching to see what

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you're getting out of the car all the time.

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You get something valuable out, like an old bike or something,

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lean it against the skip... Instead of coming over and saying,

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"Can we have the bike?", they're sly about it.

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"There's a bike, skip four.

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"Bike, skip four.

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"Get it when they've gone. Don't make eye contact.

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"Bike, skip four."

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I like to get all of the rubbish out of the back of my car...

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and then put the bike back in.

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"Oh, I'm taking it to another tip.

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"Better tip than this tip."

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So, anyway, I'm having a clear out...

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and this is the perfect time to have a clear out,

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because I think you've left it a polite amount of time

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since last Christmas to get rid of the Christmas presents.

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Time to have a clear out before you get given

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a whole load of other stuff you don't want, right?

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That's what I was up to, cos I was given...

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Jane, my wife, gave me a foot spa, that's what I got.

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I unwrapped it, Christmas morning, and there it was, a foot spa.

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She said, "I just thought you might like it." Did you?

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This basically is a bucket...

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..that you fill with water...

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stand in...

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and plug into the mains.

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If you seriously think I'm falling for that one again... Nah, nah.

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I didn't like it when you threw the toaster in the bath with me

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and I am not going to like this.

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So it's gone, it's out of my life, what a great feeling it is.

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I love it. Same with the Kindle. Fwooom! It's gone!

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Well, I've read it, so, you know...

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And, besides, I'm old-fashioned.

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I'm a book person, me. I love a book.

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For me, nothing more special than a book.

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You get to the end of a good book, tear out the last five pages,

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take it to a charity shop.

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"Aww, thank you so much."

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You're very welcome.

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I hope somebody enjoys it as much as I did.

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Well, listen, you're a wonderful audience

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and I've got some great comedians here tonight to bring on,

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and one of them is a young guy that I've been watching in the clubs,

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and he makes me sick. He does.

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He's so... He's good, you know, he is good.

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You're going to love him.

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Give him a huge Apollo welcome, to the very wonderful

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Seann Walsh! Let's hear it for him, please!

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Seann Walsh!

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Cheers!

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Thank you very much.

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-Thank you. Hello.

-AUDIENCE: Hello!

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Hello!

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It's good to be here.

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I'm unhealthy.

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I binge drink...

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Do you do that? I'm a binge drinker.

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I'm one of those...

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-SCATTERED CHEERS

-No, it's not good.

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It's not good, is it?

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Sometimes, I'll drink till I vomit.

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That's terrible, it is! I don't feel sick...

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I don't think I'm going to be sick,

0:17:500:17:52

I feel fine, I'll just be having a chat at the bar...

0:17:520:17:54

"What we'll do is, on Tuesday, right, if we meet up at..."

0:17:540:17:57

HE HEAVES

0:17:570:17:58

You know, when your whole head fills up with one portion of vomit.

0:18:040:18:08

I call it the puffer fish.

0:18:080:18:10

You have to get to the toilet before the second portion comes up.

0:18:140:18:17

Otherwise, you're trying to hold it in with your hands.

0:18:170:18:20

It's spraying through the gaps in your fingers!

0:18:200:18:23

Sorry! Excuse me, sorry!

0:18:230:18:25

Oh, God!

0:18:270:18:28

It's not good for you, binge drinking, is it?

0:18:310:18:33

They advertise it. They tell us, "Don't binge drink.

0:18:330:18:35

"Don't drink and drive." What the other one?

0:18:350:18:38

"Don't drink and take antibiotics." Come on.

0:18:380:18:40

No-one's ever listened to that, have they? The doctor says, "Don't drink.

0:18:440:18:47

"Take these. Take these for three weeks. Don't drink alcohol."

0:18:470:18:50

Yeah, this conversation has never happened.

0:18:500:18:53

"Want to come for a pint?" "I can't. I'm on antibiotics." "I understand."

0:18:530:18:56

I really suffer from the hangover. I get every hangover,

0:19:020:19:05

every single one, all the way from the bottom,

0:19:050:19:08

the niggling headache, all the way up to vomiting, migraine,

0:19:080:19:12

all the way up to the worst one... You know the worst one?

0:19:120:19:14

My God... The one where you wake up in the morning

0:19:140:19:17

and you don't have one.

0:19:170:19:19

Not only do you not have one,

0:19:210:19:24

you feel brilliant!

0:19:240:19:25

Because you are...

0:19:270:19:29

shit-faced!

0:19:290:19:30

You know that one?

0:19:330:19:34

Bursting into the kitchen, into the living room,

0:19:360:19:39

your friend's on the sofa...

0:19:390:19:41

"I think I got away with it! Woo!

0:19:410:19:43

"I feel good!

0:19:440:19:45

"I thought I'd at least have a headache, be a bit tired,

0:19:450:19:48

"but I feel good! Woo-hoo!

0:19:480:19:49

-"Yes!"

-HE LAUGHS

0:19:490:19:51

"What shall we do? Let's do something!

0:19:510:19:53

"Let's go out! Let's go for a roast!"

0:19:530:19:55

HE LAUGHS

0:19:550:19:57

"How good was last night?

0:19:570:19:58

"Let's go out for a roast, come on, let's do it again!"

0:19:580:20:00

HE LAUGHS

0:20:000:20:04

LAUGHING BECOMES HYSTERICAL

0:20:040:20:09

I can't breathe!

0:20:100:20:11

HE LAUGHS

0:20:110:20:15

LAUGHTER BECOMES CRYING

0:20:150:20:19

Shut the curtains... Please, shut the curtains...

0:20:360:20:39

Sometimes I've already left the house. It's too late. I'm on a bus.

0:20:480:20:52

This happened to me recently on a bus. Hung-over. Public transport.

0:20:560:21:01

Sweating, purple eye bags.

0:21:010:21:04

No free seat. Everyone knew I was hung-over.

0:21:040:21:07

They were looking at me. They knew I was hung-over.

0:21:070:21:10

Not cos of the eye bags or the sweat but because I was holding Lucozade.

0:21:100:21:14

Let's get this straight now. Lucozade is not for sport,

0:21:190:21:23

is it? Come on.

0:21:230:21:24

APPLAUSE

0:21:240:21:26

Is it? No.

0:21:260:21:28

You see the ads.

0:21:300:21:32

In the ads, all these blokes, eight-pack, top off, running

0:21:320:21:35

on the treadmills, wires on their body connected to a machine.

0:21:350:21:38

"Lucozade Sport!"

0:21:380:21:41

We all know Lucozade is for the hangover.

0:21:410:21:44

That ad should just be a man on a bus crying.

0:21:440:21:47

Head against the bus window.

0:21:500:21:52

With a slogan, "Lucozade. Buy two bottles if you've got work."

0:22:010:22:04

Well, I'd buy that.

0:22:090:22:10

Who's on the bus? I think I can't handle this. There's no seat.

0:22:170:22:21

It's packed. I need to get off this bus. I need to...

0:22:210:22:23

I need to get off this bus. I thought, "No, I'll risk it."

0:22:230:22:26

I'll go upstairs.

0:22:260:22:28

I'm going to go upstairs. I'll go upstairs on the bus.

0:22:280:22:30

I'm going to do this. I'm going to do it.

0:22:300:22:32

I put my foot on the first step, which, as we all know,

0:22:320:22:36

allows the driver to know to speed up.

0:22:360:22:39

LAUGHTER

0:22:390:22:40

Trying to get up the steps on a bus is like being on an episode

0:22:420:22:45

of Takeshi's Castle.

0:22:450:22:47

LAUGHTER

0:22:470:22:48

I got to the top of the stairs.

0:22:540:22:57

No free seats.

0:22:570:22:59

There is no moment...

0:23:010:23:02

..in life...

0:23:030:23:05

you look...

0:23:050:23:08

a bigger...

0:23:080:23:09

..dick...

0:23:100:23:11

..than when 38 people are looking at you and all they see is...

0:23:130:23:20

LAUGHTER

0:23:230:23:24

APPLAUSE

0:23:550:23:56

Awful.

0:23:560:23:57

Oh, God.

0:24:000:24:01

Cos I find it very difficult to have the one, the one drink,

0:24:020:24:05

that's my problem.

0:24:050:24:06

Sometimes I convince myself. I go, "This will be it.

0:24:060:24:09

"I'll have this, then I'll go home.

0:24:090:24:11

"It'll be fine. I'll go home.

0:24:110:24:13

"We'll have this, then we go home, yeah, yeah, deal?

0:24:130:24:16

"Finish this, off home? Yeah, yeah? Sure, sure, yeah?"

0:24:160:24:20

There's always one mate that'll lean in with a big grin on his face,

0:24:200:24:24

wide eyed...

0:24:240:24:25

"Jagerbomb?

0:24:250:24:26

"Eh, eh, Jagerbombs?"

0:24:290:24:30

I can't go for a quiet drink any more

0:24:300:24:32

without it leading to ...king Jagerbombs!

0:24:320:24:36

Crazy drink! Insane drink!

0:24:360:24:38

Shots of Jagermeister,

0:24:380:24:39

that we drop into a bigger glass of Red Bull!

0:24:390:24:42

So bad for you. You drink one of these, you lie in bed

0:24:440:24:47

until five in the morning going,

0:24:470:24:48

"I don't know why I can't get to sleep."

0:24:480:24:50

So bad. You can tell the people that have been drinking them

0:24:570:25:00

at the end of the night, cos they go a different drunk, crazy!

0:25:000:25:03

You can spot them a mile off at the kebab shop.

0:25:030:25:06

They just burst in...

0:25:060:25:08

Booomf!

0:25:080:25:09

"All right, mate, can I get a large doner, no salad,

0:25:090:25:11

"here's a tenner, keep the change." Walk out without the kebab.

0:25:110:25:15

Such a bad drink!

0:25:210:25:23

Sometimes it's my fault, I'm the culprit.

0:25:240:25:27

I'll go to the bar, just think I'm ordering a nice, normal round,

0:25:270:25:31

an innocent round...

0:25:310:25:33

"Can I get a couple of pints and...

0:25:330:25:37

"an ale, please, and a stout? Cheers, that'll be lovely, thanks."

0:25:370:25:41

Then the barman will ask that magic question...

0:25:410:25:45

"Anything else, mate?"

0:25:450:25:46

-SLOW MOTION:

-"Wait there a second."

0:26:010:26:06

LAUGHTER

0:26:220:26:25

LAUGHTER

0:26:270:26:31

Five...Jager....bombs!

0:26:420:26:48

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:490:26:50

My friends have no idea what is about to happen.

0:27:000:27:04

They're sat there, I'm bombing it through the pub with the tray.

0:27:040:27:08

-SLOW MOTION:

-"Jagerbombs!"

0:27:150:27:19

There's always the reluctant one...

0:27:190:27:21

you know...

0:27:210:27:23

the pussy.

0:27:230:27:24

-SLOW MOTION:

-"No, no, no!

0:27:240:27:28

"I've got a job interview in the morning!"

0:27:280:27:34

And as a friend, you know, we support him...

0:27:370:27:40

-SLOW MOTION:

-"Shut the hell up and down it!"

0:27:400:27:45

"I'm on antibiotics!"

0:27:470:27:50

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:500:27:52

There's always one already gone.

0:27:580:27:59

Straightaway, one has disappeared.

0:27:590:28:01

-SLOW MOTION:

-"Where's yours?"

0:28:010:28:03

"I didn't know we were doing them together!"

0:28:040:28:10

"Quickly, go and get another one!"

0:28:120:28:16

"Let's do this!"

0:28:180:28:21

HE SLURPS

0:28:240:28:25

Boof!

0:28:260:28:28

"Yes, get in...

0:28:280:28:30

"nyeh, nyeh...

0:28:300:28:33

"nye, gargh!"

0:28:330:28:35

"That was close. For a second there, I..."

0:28:410:28:44

HE HEAVES

0:28:440:28:46

Ladies and gentlemen, Live At The Apollo,

0:28:490:28:52

thank you very much, good night, cheers, bye!

0:28:520:28:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:550:28:56

Seann Walsh.

0:29:030:29:05

Seann Walsh.

0:29:060:29:08

If he was my son-in-law, I'd kill him. I would.

0:29:080:29:12

I'd find a way. I'd mow him down in the car or whatever,

0:29:130:29:15

just get rid of him.

0:29:150:29:17

Yeah, anyway, I was talking earlier about this

0:29:180:29:22

traumatic week I had last week.

0:29:220:29:24

On Monday, I went to the garage, you know, my garage...

0:29:240:29:27

Anyway, Tuesday, I have this incident which is a bit unfortunate.

0:29:270:29:33

First of all, let me just run this past you.

0:29:330:29:37

My neighbour comes round.

0:29:370:29:39

My view is, if post comes through your letter box,

0:29:390:29:43

that means it's yours.

0:29:430:29:44

LAUGHTER

0:29:440:29:46

Exactly, so we're all agreed on that.

0:29:460:29:49

Regardless of name and address and all that detail, right?

0:29:500:29:54

So he knocks on the door at about ten o'clock, he says,

0:29:540:29:57

"Has the post been delivered?"

0:29:570:29:59

And I said, "Yeah, yeah, about nine o'clock."

0:29:590:30:01

And he says, "Well, was there a package, did a package come?"

0:30:010:30:05

I said, "Yeah, yeah, it did."

0:30:050:30:07

He said, "Well, did it have my name and address on it?"

0:30:070:30:10

I said, "Yeah, yeah, it did."

0:30:100:30:12

In fairness, it did.

0:30:120:30:14

And he said, "Well, please, may I have it?"

0:30:140:30:18

"Well, not really, because it came through my letter box, so...

0:30:180:30:21

"that makes it mine now, best forget about it."

0:30:210:30:23

Well, he went completely nuts!

0:30:230:30:26

I mean, it was embarrassing, it was undignified,

0:30:260:30:29

he was yelling and screaming at me on the front door,

0:30:290:30:32

he was shouting stuff at me - "You don't even need insulin!"

0:30:320:30:35

You know, it was really just... LAUGHTER

0:30:350:30:38

..a horrible scene.

0:30:390:30:41

I didn't like to see him in that state.

0:30:420:30:44

He was all shaking, I had to walk him back to his house,

0:30:440:30:47

he was talking gibberish, he was...

0:30:470:30:49

He was going, "Have you seen my wind chime?"

0:30:490:30:50

"No, I haven't."

0:30:500:30:52

Well, backstage we have a wonderful comedian

0:30:540:30:58

that is one of my big favourites on the circuit.

0:30:580:31:00

Whenever I see him, I love him.

0:31:000:31:02

I know you're going to love him, as well.

0:31:020:31:04

Please give a huge Apollo welcome to the wonderful Milton Jones!

0:31:040:31:08

Let's hear it for Milton!

0:31:080:31:10

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:31:100:31:11

MUSIC: "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer

0:31:110:31:14

So, good evening.

0:31:310:31:32

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

0:31:320:31:34

Incredible to think, isn't it?

0:31:350:31:37

LAUGHTER

0:31:390:31:41

That the Chinese language

0:31:450:31:47

started off as English in England.

0:31:470:31:49

Then one person whispered it to another person...

0:31:510:31:53

Bit of a weird day today.

0:32:040:32:06

I found a hole in the back of my wardrobe.

0:32:070:32:09

I went though

0:32:110:32:13

to a strange and mysterious land...

0:32:130:32:15

..where my neighbour was sitting in the bath.

0:32:170:32:19

LAUGHTER

0:32:190:32:21

What else can I tell you about myself?

0:32:230:32:26

I like my tea like my women...

0:32:260:32:29

big, black and with a penguin.

0:32:290:32:31

LAUGHTER

0:32:310:32:32

Obviously, I'm Caucasian...

0:32:450:32:47

Yes, my mum's from a city in Ireland and my dad's Japanese.

0:32:470:32:50

LAUGHTER

0:32:500:32:53

APPLAUSE

0:32:530:32:56

Couldn't sleep last night, I was too hot.

0:33:010:33:04

Then the smoke alarm went off!

0:33:040:33:06

LAUGHTER

0:33:060:33:08

Put it on snooze.

0:33:110:33:12

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:33:120:33:15

Then the phone went off, picked it up,

0:33:180:33:20

a voice said, "Can you speak?"

0:33:200:33:22

I said, "How did you think this conversation was going to work?"

0:33:220:33:25

Then I recognised the voice of my mother,

0:33:280:33:30

the very woman who taught me to speak in the first place.

0:33:300:33:33

She said, "Listen, it's your dad."

0:33:330:33:36

I said, "That is the worst impression..."

0:33:390:33:41

Do you ever have a conversation with someone,

0:33:450:33:47

and towards the end, they say, "Well, I'll let you go."

0:33:470:33:51

You think, "Yeah, thanks."

0:33:530:33:55

"Oh, I see what you're saying. You're trying to make me

0:33:570:33:59

"think that you think that I've got better things to do,

0:33:590:34:02

"but, in reality, you're saying you've got better things to do!"

0:34:020:34:05

Well, next time somebody says, "I'll let you go", say "No."

0:34:050:34:08

LAUGHTER

0:34:080:34:09

Shut the door.

0:34:120:34:13

If they make a sudden dive for the window, grab them by their ankles.

0:34:150:34:18

And as they're dangling four storeys over the car park, screaming,

0:34:180:34:21

"It's all been a terrible mistake,"

0:34:210:34:23

say, "OK, I'll let you go."

0:34:230:34:25

So, it turns out

0:34:300:34:32

not all horses are Trojan horses...

0:34:320:34:34

LAUGHTER

0:34:360:34:38

I know that now.

0:34:390:34:40

That was a messy afternoon.

0:34:420:34:44

Health and safety - that's a minefield, isn't it?

0:34:460:34:49

Don't tell them.

0:34:490:34:51

I used to work in IKEA

0:34:540:34:56

selling over 7,000 different items.

0:34:560:34:58

Give me a number between one and 7,000, I'll tell you about it.

0:34:580:35:02

Eight!

0:35:020:35:03

Eight - sorry, out of stock.

0:35:030:35:05

Well, it's not easy, travelling around all the time on the road...

0:35:090:35:12

Oh, no...

0:35:120:35:13

The AA, RAC, Green Flag...

0:35:130:35:16

don't get me started.

0:35:160:35:17

You know, it was so cold last week in the city of Chester...

0:35:260:35:30

when I ordered a taxi, I ended up in Chichester.

0:35:300:35:33

The interesting thing, of course, about travelling around

0:35:430:35:45

is you find out a little bit

0:35:450:35:47

about the histories of the places you're visiting.

0:35:470:35:49

I didn't realise, but years ago all the men in Chester got together

0:35:490:35:53

and they went to live in Manchester.

0:35:530:35:56

Centuries ago all the women got together,

0:35:560:35:59

and they're still getting ready.

0:35:590:36:01

LAUGHTER

0:36:010:36:03

People from Yorkshire are very proud of calling a spade a spade.

0:36:080:36:11

I've got news for them...

0:36:110:36:13

so does everyone else.

0:36:130:36:15

Apparently the Government's going to give the north of England

0:36:170:36:19

a huge boost, and then all the people can come out

0:36:190:36:22

and lick the chocolate off it.

0:36:220:36:23

If a Welshman says "This is my fantasy,"

0:36:280:36:31

he might just be talking about his fizzy drink.

0:36:310:36:33

I did a show in Liverpool, recently.

0:36:460:36:48

A bloke came up to me afterwards and said, "Hey, listen,

0:36:480:36:51

"I want to talk."

0:36:510:36:52

I said, "Well, just keep practising."

0:36:520:36:54

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:36:540:36:56

Recently, I said to my long-standing girlfriend,

0:37:010:37:04

"Sit down, will you?"

0:37:040:37:06

"Will you marry me?", I spelt out in balloons

0:37:130:37:15

outside of the house of the girl I'd only met on the internet.

0:37:150:37:19

Then I saw her face, and I popped the question.

0:37:190:37:22

Do you ever do that thing when you're on the phone?

0:37:310:37:33

"You put it down!"

0:37:330:37:35

"No, you put it down!"

0:37:380:37:40

"No, you put it down!"

0:37:410:37:44

"Ho-ho! You put it down!"

0:37:470:37:51

"Listen, it's an old dog and you're a qualified vet."

0:37:530:37:56

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:37:560:37:59

I met my wife on the net -

0:38:080:38:10

we were both rubbish trapeze artists.

0:38:100:38:12

When me and my wife got together

0:38:180:38:19

she insisted we had separate bank accounts.

0:38:190:38:21

Unfortunately I thought she said "Cypriot".

0:38:210:38:24

Recently, my wife's been giving me the silent treatment.

0:38:290:38:32

Lying there, day after day, beginning to smell a bit now...

0:38:320:38:36

Lads, do you ever get given a job to do, so you deliberately do it

0:38:410:38:44

really, really badly, so you never get asked to do that job again?

0:38:440:38:49

I mean, I hardly know CPR anyway.

0:38:500:38:52

Anyway, it turns out not all pigs are piggybanks.

0:38:580:39:01

I know that now.

0:39:030:39:05

That was a messy afternoon.

0:39:050:39:08

Recently, I've been diagnosed with attention defic...

0:39:110:39:14

Look at those lights!

0:39:140:39:15

LAUGHTER

0:39:150:39:17

Pritt is not the best lip salve I've ever used...

0:39:200:39:24

..but I couldn't complain.

0:39:260:39:28

So any students here?

0:39:320:39:34

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

0:39:350:39:37

What are you studying, helium?

0:39:370:39:38

No, it's a good course,

0:39:410:39:42

people speak very highly.

0:39:420:39:44

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:39:440:39:46

What else are you studying?

0:39:520:39:54

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Law!

0:39:550:39:56

-Law?

-HE CHUCKLES

0:39:560:39:57

WHOOPING

0:39:570:39:59

Practising police sirens, eh?

0:39:590:40:01

I don't trust lawyers,

0:40:050:40:06

even the word is just "liar" with a West Country accent.

0:40:060:40:09

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-As in, "You big fat lawyer!"

0:40:110:40:13

That's probably how it all started, isn't it?

0:40:170:40:20

Some bloke came back from the Battle of Hastings and someone said,

0:40:200:40:22

"That arrow in your head's the best thing

0:40:220:40:24

"that's ever happened to you."

0:40:240:40:26

"You big fat lawyer!"

0:40:260:40:27

"Yes, and if you've been injured at work

0:40:280:40:30

"you could be entitled to compensation."

0:40:300:40:33

I've had a lot of jobs in my life.

0:40:390:40:40

I was a bouncer for a while.

0:40:410:40:44

Space Hopper showroom.

0:40:440:40:45

Then I was a weatherman.

0:40:490:40:51

In fact, does anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

0:40:510:40:54

No pressure.

0:40:540:40:56

Calvin Klein's mum has labelled everyone else's pants.

0:40:590:41:03

Not that I'm a good parent.

0:41:080:41:09

Apparently, I didn't even turn up to one of my own children's

0:41:090:41:12

christenings, according to one of them,

0:41:120:41:14

who shall remain nameless.

0:41:140:41:16

Still, better than the father of former Chinese Premier Deng Xiaoping

0:41:200:41:23

who made the mistake of having his son christened

0:41:230:41:26

in the same room as a microwave.

0:41:260:41:28

Anyway, it turns out not all ducks are toilet ducks.

0:41:330:41:36

LAUGHTER

0:41:360:41:38

I know that now.

0:41:400:41:42

That was a messy afternoon.

0:41:440:41:46

To be honest... Cos people say that, as well, don't they?

0:41:470:41:50

What do you mean, "to be honest"?

0:41:500:41:52

You mean everything you've been saying so far hasn't been honest?

0:41:520:41:55

Well, how can we trust what you're going to say now?

0:41:550:41:58

Anyway, you've been a great audience, but, to be honest...

0:41:580:42:01

..I'll let you go...

0:42:030:42:05

Sometimes, people say to me, "This is all very well,

0:42:070:42:09

"you saying these things, you dressing like that,

0:42:090:42:11

"but who are you?

0:42:110:42:13

"Where do you come from?"

0:42:130:42:15

I say, "Well, if I told you

0:42:150:42:17

"it wouldn't actually be that interesting."

0:42:170:42:20

And they said, "No, we're the police."

0:42:200:42:22

So I show them my ID...

0:42:250:42:27

and I say, "As you can see,

0:42:270:42:29

"I am Dr Irving Likensay."

0:42:290:42:32

They say "No, this just says 'Driving Licence'."

0:42:340:42:37

That's all from me. Thanks very much, good night!

0:42:490:42:51

Milton Jones!

0:43:000:43:01

Oh!

0:43:010:43:03

Er, listen, you have been a really, really wonderful audience.

0:43:050:43:08

Can I just ask you, though, just to say one thing...

0:43:080:43:10

Thank you very, very much to our comedians tonight.

0:43:100:43:12

We saw Seann Walsh!

0:43:120:43:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:140:43:16

And Milton Jones!

0:43:160:43:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:180:43:19

I very much hope I'll see you all again.

0:43:190:43:22

Thank you very much and good night!

0:43:220:43:23

Thank you so much! Good night!

0:43:230:43:25

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:43:250:43:27

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