Episode 4 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Adam Hills!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, London!

Hello, London and welcome to live at the Apollo. My name's Adam Hills.

I have two amazing acts to present to you tonight. Are you well?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Excellent! There are celebrities in the house -

-Tinie Tempah's here, people!

-CHEERING

Hey, buddy!

Tinie Tempah's here. Love your music, love you. We've met before.

But you know what I love about Tinie Tempah? The name.

There's thought gone into the name, Tinie Tempah.

You've told me this before,

you chose something harsh, like "temper", then you offset it

with "tiny" and I love that. There's thought that's gone into it.

Not like Jay-Z who threw two darts at an alphabet!

LAUGHTER

And so what it is it's something impressive and harsh

like "temper", offset by something cuddly like "tiny", brilliant.

It's a lovely name. It's like Angry Birds or Prime Minister Miliband.

-LAUGHTER

-Er...

Sorry, every time we look at your Prime Minister we go,

-"Yeah, go on, I dare you."

-LAUGHTER

Kimberly Wyatt is here from the Pussycat Dolls. Absolutely brilliant.

-Yes, Kimberly Wyatt's here.

-CHEERING

The only thing I know about you is that your nickname is Flexi Doll,

because you are the most supple of the Pussycat Dolls.

Just let's all take a moment to imagine that....

LAUGHTER

Again, I compare myself to that and go

"Well, I would be Rusty Babushka" if that was the case.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, inside this 43-three-year old decrepit body is just

a broken 62-year-old.

And then inside him there's a 95-five-year old

weeping cos he can't find his Zimmer frame.

I'm genuinely chuffed that you're here and...I don't care,

I love music and I don't understand it and I'm blown away by it

and that's why I think you're brilliant.

And I've seen the power of music around the world. I've seen

music bring people together, regardless of nationality.

I've seen that Jon Bon Jovi is the universal constant.

LAUGHTER

Whether or not you like his music, if you can sing a Jon Bon Jovi song

anywhere in the world you will bond a room full of people instantly.

I was doing shows in Belgium once

and I was backstage with a group of Belgian comics,

five Belgian comedians, me and Michael McIntyre.

And I'm thinking, what do you...?

I've got nothing in common with these guys. How do you...

How do you start a conversation with a Belgian?

I was like, "Er, do you like waffles?"

It was this weirdest thing where everyone was nervous,

no-one knew what to say and one of the Belgian guys,

I can only assume out of nerves...

just started singing to himself under his breath.

In the middle of this crowded room everyone's gone quiet

and this one guy went,

# This Romeo is bleeding...

LAUGHTER

# But you can't see his blood

# It's nothing but some feelings that this old dog kicked up #

Then he must have suddenly realised what he was doing

cos he looked at me and went,

"Oh." So I looked back across the room and just went,

# It's been raining since you left me...

LAUGHTER

# And I'm drowning in the flood

# You see I've always been a fighter but without you I give up! #

And he gave me a look that said, "You're not serious, are you?"

And I gave him a look to say, "I am if you are, big fella."

He took a step in and went # And I can't sing a love song

# Like the way it's meant to be #

And I thought, "I will see you

"and raise you, my friend," so I stood up and went,

# And I guess that's just not good any more but baby that's just me! #

There was a pause, then everyone in the room did the chorus!

Me, five comedians and Michael McIntyre just went,

-BAWLING:

-# And I will love you, baby! Ooohhhhh! #

We bonded. We Jon Bonded.

LAUGHTER

And it occurred to me then that Jon Bon Jovi songs may not solve

the Middle East peace crisis, but it's worth a shot, isn't it?

Just send an envoy into the Middle East, Israelis on one side,

Palestinians on the other. "No, no, this land is for the Jewish people.

"God promised it to the Jews. We will never back down.

"You guys?" "No, this land is for the Palestinian people. We'll never back down!"

"Is there any way?" "No, no way." Just pull out a microphone.

# Oowa, oowa, oowa, oowa, oowa, ooowa, oowa #

And just wait!

Honestly, I think the Israelis would crack first.

"No, this is ridiculous, how can we...?"

# Tommy used to work on the docks #

LAUGHTER

The Palestinians would have to join in. "This is outrageous!

# Gina works the diner all day #

And within a minute they'd all be on their feet, lighters in the air.

# Whooooooaaaaaah! Living on a prayer! #

I mean, they'd argue about which prayer

-but at least they'd be singing together.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You see, that's the thing, music fires people up as well.

I get very fired up by music.

Oh, man, I went on a rant. I was in Starbucks recently.

Now, I have a lot of problems with Starbucks.

My main problem with Starbucks is, they make shit coffee.

I was in a Starbucks and they were selling albums.

They were selling albums, they were selling CDs. They were selling

a Doors CD.

Does that appal you as much as it appals me?

Are you aware who I'm talking about when I say The Doors? Jim Morrison, The Lizard King?

The man who died choking on his own vomit in a bath?

Who was arrested for indecent exposure on stage.

He's available in Starbucks?!

That's not... Mika, Mika should be available in Starbucks.

I don't know if you know Mika's work,

it sounds like James Blunt shagged a sponge.

LAUGHTER

That should be in Starbucks. You know what I mean?

If you have The Doors in Starbucks, at least pay homage,

have a Morrison mochachino where you drop in acid and stir it with your cock, do it properly!

LAUGHTER

I love all music and do you know what I love?

I love boy bands.

I know, and not necessarily the music

but just the fact you can put one together. You can create

a boy band, you just need a certain look.

Honestly, I could create a boy band out of five members of the audience right now.

WHOOPING

In fact...

CHEERING

Right... You, fella, could you hop up on stage, please?

Come round on the stairs here, excellent. Yep, you'll be right.

There's a few down here that look a little too obvious.

Oh, shit, yeah, you have to!

-LAUGHTER

-You have to. One, two, three...

Yeah, come on, yep, four.

And I'm going to go one more.

Oh, yeah, two rows back. You, fella, come on down.

All right, here we go.

WOLF-WHISTLE

Oh, hey, Nick. Sorry. How are you with stairs?

Yeah, I can do it, mate.

Yeah, cool. Right.

I just realised I picked on Nick Hamilton!

CHEERING

I know.

That's right, Adam,

find a guy with cerebral palsy, make him walk upstairs.

LAUGHTER

They didn't think to put a ramp in for you, did they?

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

All right, all right, I think this is going to work!

Now, we've got every member you would find in a boy...

I'll need to swap you round a little bit.

Yeah, you don't have the dodgy guy at the end.

Look at this, we've got the buff guy that the ladies are going to love,

we've got the slightly nerdy guy that the weird girls are going to

get into, we've got the rebellious bloke, we've got the one...

Well, you're probably the one who can sing

cos I can see no other talent there.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And we've got the guy who'll become gay. So...

LAUGHTER

Right, every boy band member has to have their own look.

Now, I'm going to try you, Nick, I'm going to try you with this.

Your look, when I go, just hands down in front...

-Nice!

-CHEERING

All right, awesome.

Yours...fold your arms, turn side on.

Brilliant! You're Superman, hands on hips.

LAUGHTER

You've got one arm behind your head.

Nice!

You, er, you've got both arms behind your head.

-HE PURRS

-Awesome, awesome.

Now, if I do this we have an album cover.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There's more to it than this, though, there's more to it than this.

So at some point I'm going to click my fingers.

When I, go into your boy band pose, OK?

Right, now, this is going to...

I don't know if this is going to work.

Then at some point I'm going to say "Dance."

LAUGHTER

Now, we've got Brendan Cole here from Strictly Come Dancing.

He's not going to need to teach you steps, this is very easy.

It's a man dance, it's right foot, left foot.

LAUGHTER

Just try that. Yep, you got it.

That's perfect. If you get out of step with everybody, just stop,

they'll come back to you and you join back in again.

-It's absolutely fine.

-LAUGHTER

We can all do this. And then at some point I'm going to say "Turn."

I don't how it's going to work but we'll just give it a...

-WHOOPING

-Yeah? Yeah?

How am I going to do that?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yeah, that's a good point.

You know what, yours is so quick no-one sees it.

LAUGHTER

How's the rest of it, stepping and all that?

Cool. When you're stepping, if you feel like

clicking your fingers, feel free. Clap your hands if you want, you'll be fine.

All right. Everyone, I need starting positions, which is heads down.

Oh, nice! Heads down, no smiling, no smiling, serious faces.

Can we do something with the lighting?

Can we drop the lighting ever so slightly?

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you tonight

the newest boy band to come out of London. Yeah, the Back Yard Boys!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK, you ready, boys? Here we go.

# You are... #

No, not all of you! Just one at a time!

LAUGHTER

Sorry, we've all gone off a bit early.

I should have explained that.

Try and think about something else, reload, you'll be fine.

When I click at each of you individually, into your...

Oh, God, is this what it was like in the Pussycat Dolls?

LAUGHTER

Jesus, which one's Scherzinger, which one?

Weird in the middle, isn't it? Yeah, all right.

-LAUGHTER

-All right, here we go.

Jeez, it is harder than I thought to put a boy band together, isn't it?

Oh, shit, OK, right.

# You are...

# My fire...

# My one...

# Desire...

-# I love when you say...

-WHOOPING AND CHEERING

# That I want it that way... #

Dance! # Tell me why

# Ain't nothin' but a heartache

# Tell me why ain't nothin' but a mistake

# Tell me why, I never want to hear you say #

And turn!

# I want it that way. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, the Back Yard Boys!

Well done!

Thank you, guys!

Ah! Ladies and gentlemen, I'll back throughout the night

-But are you ready for your first act of the night?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

She's absolutely amazing, she is Andi Osho!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Whoooo!

Wow!

Wow!

Hello, Apollo! CHEERING

Hey! Excellent!

I'm so glad to you've come out tonight,

so nice to see people come out to support live comedy.

Cos not everybody gets it, right? The other day

I was took a taxi, it had a Romanian cab driver and I was trying

to explain to him live comedy and he was just like, "No."

Like it didn't mean anything to him.

And I said, "Well don't you have like live comedy, live comedians in your country?"

He's like, "No, he is on television."

LAUGHTER

It made it sound like there's one comedian in Romania!

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

"I am your premier comed...ONLY comedian.

"What you get if you cross Polish man with Latvian man?

"You cannot, this is homosexuality and is banned."

LAUGHTER

"An Englishman, an Irishman a Scottish man walk into a bar.

"Because they are British, they are drunk and alcoholic.

LAUGHTER

"Two nuns are in the bath because there is water shortage."

LAUGHTER

I could do this all night.

So what else has been happening?

This happened - a kid got expelled from school

for putting a picture on Facebook of his genitals in his teacher's mug.

LAUGHTER

Now, that is taking teabagging to a whole new level, innit?

How did they even know it was him?

Did they dust the mug for wrinkle prints or something?

"Yes, that's definitely Jonathan from Year 11."

"How do you know, Headmaster?"

"I just do!"

They need good role models. Also, like in celebrity land,

they need role models. Not the sort that are famous for being famous,

like Peter Andre. God bless his heart but he's made an

18-year career out of one song!

LAUGHTER

So much so that he's even got a perfume called Mysterious Girl.

Now, call me crazy but surely, as a woman, the one thing you don't

want to smell like is mysterious?

You don't want to spray that on and then walk past your mates

and your mates are like, "Ugh! What is that? Is that egg?

"You smell mysterious!

"Ugh! Eurgh!"

Or Cheryl Cole.

Sorry, I just get so angry whenever I see her face!

Like I was watching her when she was on that Piers Morgan Life Stories bleating on about,

"Being in Africa and my fight with malaria, erghhh."

I got so angry but then I remembered malaria's a disease - not the name

of another toilet attendant she's been kicking the shit out of.

APPLAUSE

Yeah.

NORTH-EASTERN ACCENT: "Take that malaria, you bastard! Give us a lollypop!"

"We're gonna fight for this, love."

It's good, innit, I like that one.

Yeah, if she likes hitting people so much maybe

she should go out with Chris Brown, see how that works out for her!

Yeah, I said it!

Yeah, I did that joke in Cheltenham

and this old lady turned to her husband and was like,

"Chris Brown? Wasn't he the home secretary in 1987?"

Her husband was like,

"I think I'd remember if we had a black home secretary, Margaret!"

He-he.

That'd be amazing to be a black home secretary,

if I was a black home secretary...

Well, if I was home secretary obviously I'd be black but, er...

Think it through, Osho!

That would be amazing

because I would do the biggest wind up on the Daily Mail ever.

I would go straight to the BBC news studios

and do a live broadcast,

I'd just go... AFRICAN ACCENT: "Good mornin', viewers!

"As de new home secretary, I want to announce,

"from now on there will be no immigration laws!

APPLAUSE

"Dat's it, de borders are now open!"

"Tell your friends, tell your family, we have plenty o' money,

"plenty o' jobs, plenty o' benefits, com, com!

"Just com, eh?"

And then close the borders!

It's tough. It's tough.

Young people do need good role models. I think

the Paralympians we had last year, they were amazing role models,

I don't think you can get better than... right?

APPLAUSE

I mean, seriously, they put footballers to shame, they did.

I mean John Terry must have watched the Paralympics and just gone,

"Oh! I get it! I'm a twat!"

APPLAUSE

As amazing as the Paralympians were I think

sometimes we did get a little bit patronising towards them.

Some people went a little bit OTT with all the, "Ah, they're so brave, argh!"

They're just people who happen to have disabilities,

they have to train like everybody else.

They're still athletes and we didn't do this for other

minority groups, you know what I mean, we didn't watch

the 100m final going, "Look at the black people running!

"They're just so fast!

"And they're not even being chased!"

APPLAUSE

But we should all do that next time!

Apparently, er, this Paralympics that we had here was the most successful Paralympics

in the history of the games, so Rio better change it up.

They should add new categories for the disabilities.

They should add non-physical ones. Depression, that's a disability.

You'd just get a guy sat in the sandpit at the end of the long jump

going, "What's the bloody point?"

What else has been happening? Oh, so, I tried online dating again.

Yeah, right.

I mean, to be honest, I didn't last long. About ten days.

Cos I think online dating is a hoax, man. I'm sorry.

I think it's the biggest online hoax since Nigeria got e-mail. It is.

I swear.

That is some scam they are running!

The only people that have managed to combine the internet

and dating is, er, gay guys because they've got Grindr.

Right, OK, let me explain. Some people don't know about Grindr.

OK, so what it is, it's pretty spectacular.

It's an app that tells gay guys how far

they are from another available gay man.

It's awesome.

I was explaining this to a friend and he was like,

"So, it's like a tracker?"

It's not a tracker, you're not hunting gay men.

It's not like that scene in Jurassic Park where the guy's going

through the jungle, then two gay guys are going to

swoop in from either side and he's like, "Clever girl."

Or like an Aboriginal man picking up some debris and going,

"Hmm, leather chaps, rainbow flag. Sh, sh, they're close."

And the guys have to be registered on the website to come up on the app.

You can't just suddenly start using your iPhone as a gaydar now,

you can't go round, "Beep, beep, you are fabulous."

You can't... You can't do that.

So I downloaded Grindr onto my phone and as soon as I fired it up,

there were 70 registered guys within ten metres of me.

Do you know what it was like?

Do you remember that scene in Aliens where they are surrounded

by the aliens and they are like, "Ten metres... That's in the room."

"You can't be reading it right." "I am reading it right!"

"They're coming through the damn walls!"

And there's a little girl going, "They mostly come out at night.

"Mostly."

They brought out a version of it for straight women as well.

When I heard, I was like, "This is great!"

Then, "How's it going to work?"

Like, is a women going to be on her own in a half-empty bar

and she thinks, "I'll just fire up the old Lady Grindr."

That doesn't sound nice at all, does it?

That sounds like a really aggressive sex toy.

"I don't need a man, I got Lady Grindr!

"Just kidney punches me to orgasm!"

Or something like that.

I hope I haven't scandalised anybody, cos with comedy

you've got to be careful, you gotta make sure you're politically correct

and blah blah, but sometimes people take it too far and you

don't want to be too caught up in the boundaries of political

correctness. Some people do take it too far, like somebody complained

to IKEA because their instructions only showed men making the stuff.

Now, let me just check, girls, give a shit?

No! Cos as far as we're concerned, that is a win-win situation!

We'll be watching the geezer building the furniture going,

"Oh darling, I'd love to help you build this thing

"but it says you have to do it!"

It's good when people just do a two fingers up to political

correctness. This happened around the time of 7/7,

everyone was a little jumpy around brown people with bags on buses.

Relax, we all did it.

And I was on the top deck of the bus, had paid, in your face, TFL. And...

And there was an Asian guy at the back of the bus,

just minding his own business, looking through his bag.

All the people sat around him were watching him, transfixed.

Little bead of sweat down their temples,

and then they all started moving, one at a time, just one seat.

What sort of bomb did they think he was packing that had a blast

radius of one seat?!

Like, did they think it was going to go off like this, "Oh, no!

"That has gone everywhere now, I got bomb all over me!

"That's not going to come out in a hot wash, is it?

"Terrorists!"

We don't do that enough, do we?

I didn't move, but mainly out of social embarrassment.

You don't like to cause a scene, do you? I'd rather die! But...

So this guy, he was minding his own business.

He sort of becomes aware of this movement around him,

he looks up, sees that there's this massive space around him.

And he looks up, sees me staring at him from the front of the bus

and this is all he did, it was perfect, he just went,

"Kaboom."

Woooo! Anyways, ladies and gentlemen, you've been awesome.

I've been Andi Osho. Thank you very much, good night!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Andi Osho!

I did some shows in America last year, which is

kind of hilarious because American comedians are really slick.

American comedians, they just come out and just bang out jokes.

And I'm not good at that.

"OK, here's your first act, Tommy Johnson." And some guy goes,

"I was at the gym yesterday. Anybody go to the gym?

"What's the gym like?" People go, "Yeah, the gym, man!"

"Here's your next act, Sean McKenzie." Guy comes out,

"So I'm in my car. Does anyone here drive a car? How cool a car...?"

"Yeah, we love cars!"

"Here's your next act,

"from Australia, Adam Hills." I walk out and go, "Who are you?

"What's your name? Let's take a photo. Let's make a boy band.

"Hurray!" And the audience are like, "Should he be here?"

I got told off by a Hollywood producer after one of my shows.

This guy in the bar went, "You're doing it all wrong, man.

"You're doing it wrong.

"You gotta grab an audience, tell them what you do.

"What do you do?" "I don't know...

"I tell stories?"

"What kind of stories do you tell, man?"

"Um, I don't know, I'm an Australian who tells stories.

"It's kind of all I've got."

"You got to give him more, what kind of Aussie are you?"

"What?" "There are Aussies everywhere in Hollywood, man.

"Where do you fit? You got to grab an audience.

"Tell them what you do, where you fit amongst every other Aussie

"in Hollywood." So this was my opening line the next night.

"Er, g'day, my name's Adam, I'm from Australia.

"I'm less talented than Hugh Jackman but more tolerant than Mel Gibson."

Pretty much all I've got, people.

That's it. I can't dance, but I quite like Jews. Hurray.

No, I should check - are there Australians here?

SOME CHEERS

Yes! Of course, it's a free night out in London.

Are there New Zealand... Where's Brendan Cole?

Where are you, Brendan? You're a New Zealander, aren't you, my friend?

-CHEERING

-Yes.

Ah, there are New Zealanders here, or just women who love your body.

Four people.

It's the proportional representation of New Zealanders in the room,

When was the last time you flew Air New Zealand?

-Two years ago.

-Two years ago.

-What was the safety demonstration video?

-The All Blacks.

-The All Blacks.

-Standard.

-Air New Zealand make the best safety

demonstration videos in the world.

A few months ago, if you flew, it was the entire

cast of The Hobbit telling you what to do in case of an emergency.

I'm assuming when oxygen came down, Gollum went,

"Mine, Precious!"

I flew during the Rugby World Cup.

I'm glad they've gone with the All Blacks.

I flew during the Rugby World Cup.

They had an '80s fitness instructor by the name of Richard Simmons.

I don't know if you remember this guy, he was the campest man

on the planet before any of us knew what gay meant.

He'd come out and conduct fitness videos going,

"OK, people, squeeze your tush and squeeze it, and squeeze it.

"Come on, let's work!" And we'd all go, "His wife must be so happy."

He was doing the safety demonstration video

on Air New Zealand but like that! They had pumping music.

IMITATES POUNDING MUSIC

And he came out going, "Come on, people, let's get fit to fly!

"If you need oxygen, pull and breathe!

"And pull and breathe." And the whole plane are going, "Oh, my God."

At one point he did this. "To put your bags away, reach and slide.

"You're a giraffe."

And it made everyone watch but I couldn't help thinking,

this was during the Rugby World Cup when it was held in New Zealand!

"Why don't you use the All Blacks and get them to do a Haka?

"Why don't you have 15 blokes doing a safety demonstration video

"in jerseys just going, 'Your exits, your exits are here, and here.'"

Seems appropriate.

Another country that is taking over the world,

but in our own special way, is Australia. Yeah.

Cos Australian slang has made its way through Europe.

It's ended up, honestly, there are countries that don't have

English as a first language that are using Australian slang now.

Apparently in Sweden, the kids say, "No worries."

There are teenagers in Sweden going....

IMITATES SWEDISH

"No worries." "Ja."

I think that's how they talk. In Germany, it's fair enough.

IMITATES GERMAN

"Fair enough." "Good."

I couldn't work out how this was going on.

I remembered, I was in Holland once doing a show

with a bunch of Dutch comics. We went out for beers afterwards.

We're all drinking beers, ordering in Dutch.

Cos of the Dutch waitress.

One round came in and I went, "I'm going to sit this out.

"Can I have a sparkling water?" And they went, "Yeah, sparkling water."

And they're all chatting in Dutch. Waitress came back with a beer.

I said, "I'm really sorry," forgetting she was Dutch.

"I'm really sorry, I ordered a sparkling water.

"This is a beer." And she just went, "Ah, it's all good."

That's when I worked it out. We are taking over the world.

One backpacker at a time.

They're all coming to Australia, picking up the language

and taking it home. This is where we can all help each other out.

What do you do when you see a tourist?

Probably what we do, you see Japanese tourists

looking at a map, they don't know where they're going.

You do what we do, which is go, "Work it out for yourselves."

Don't! Help them out, but use slang. Throw in as much slang as possible.

If I see a Japanese tourist on the street in Australia, I just

walk up and go, "G'day, cobbers." "What is cobber?" "Means mate.

"How's it hanging?" "What is hanging?"

"Means how's it going?" "It's good." "Where do you need to go?"

"Opera House." "Oh, strewth, crikey."

"Go down those stairs, round the corner, up those stairs again,

"Bob's your uncle and a dingo took my baby."

Throw it all in.

Cos they'll go home and they'll repeat it to their mates.

That's how the language takes off.

"How was Australia?" "Oh, strewth and crikey.

"Bob is my uncle and a dingo took my baby, ha-ha-ha."

APPLAUSE

And if we all do this, if we all promise to do this,

one day we'll be able to travel from one side of Europe to the other

without needing to learn another language.

When you're in London, Cockney it up when you see tourists.

Couple of Japanese tourists,

"All right, muckers, apples and pears, how's it going, yeah!"

Throw it all in. Then one day there'll be two Swedes beside

a river in Gothenburg chatting, just going, "Do you know, Sven, sometimes

"I think we live in the most beautiful country on the planet.

"The way the sunlight glistens off the fjord

"and up through the pine trees. We are so beautifully blessed."

And Sven will look back and go, "Oh, Jurgen...

"you are such a bell end."

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to introduce your next act,

there is no way to describe this man,

he is unlike any other comedian you've ever seen,

you are gonna love him. Please raise the roof for Terry Alderton!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, it's so lovely to be here at the O2.

Er...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I know when I come out here a lot of people don't know what I'm about.

You look at me and you think to yourself possibly I am...

CAMP: "Hiya, how you doing, it's so nice to be here!"

And others look at me and think,

HARD-MAN: "What you looking at, mate?"

We all judge books by covers, don't we?

Recently I've met this kid, yeah, who's one of them

kids that talks with a sophisticated ring-pull device.

Them kids like that, with a bad right leg

and someone's going to steal their penis. Them kids, yeah?

He's like that the whole time, I'm like, "Hello,"

he's like, "What you lookin' at? What you doin' on a bus?

"You're playing music so loud. What you talkin' about?

"What you doin' with those scissors?"

I've been a bit strapped for cash recently,

so I decided to rent out my right knee to him.

It's bad enough that I have to live with what's going on in here.

You can only imagine.

My friend, I have a lot of thoughts in here, yeah?

And even since the citalopram, the thoughts are still there.

I have a lot of thoughts.

A lot of thoughts...

DRAMATIC MUSIC

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

It's salmon!

LAUGHTER

Not everyone's getting it. "Keep going."

APPLAUSE

So I stupidly rented out my right knee to this young boy, yeah,

he's one of them, you know what I'm sayin', check it out, yeah?

It's bad enough I have to live with this,

but he's opened up a drum and bass club in my right knee.

You want to hear what it's like?

POUNDING DRUM AND BASS MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

Listen, I'm into monkey fighting at the moment.

It's all imaginary monkey fighting.

It's all in my mind - no beasts get hurt, one is about to ensue.

One has a knife, the other has a gun but the one with the gun has

no bullets, but the one with the knife doesn't know that!

LAUGHTER

So I was in the closet and I just couldn't get out of that closet.

And I walked round maybe for two or three hours.

And then I realised I was in my wife's closet and I thought,

"If I come out of here, this will be very weird."

And I knew I was in my wife's closet

because I found contraptions in there.

(She never told me she had these contraptions.)

I found three of them in there!

I said to her, "You've got three of these things in here!

"You've got a warren!"

I mean, with women it's contraptions and True Blood and the werewolf,

I can't compete with that.

With men it's like working in decimal, with men it's just one,

two, three, four, five, get hungry, make a sandwich.

Six, seven, eight, nine, history - click - delete, ten.

But with women, it's all this.

I was disgusted and before I left for the gig this evening,

I covered them in Tabasco.

So...

What happens when the one with the knife realises the one

with the gun has no bullets?!

But I don't want to come across at any point in my life...

I don't want women to think I'm wrong in any way but as a man

I do things I can't help myself for,

like when I have a thought when

I see a girl, I feel terribly bad about it, you know, every

single time and I think every man in here does it,

when you see a woman you can't help yourself have that feeling like

a voice that goes, "Would ya?"

Bearing in mind you women know that this happens next time you go

to a family do, like a wedding or something like that,

bear in mind that's going to happen when you're with your new boyfriend that you're so excited about.

And you're skipping along and you go, "Mother, this is Darren,

"Darren, this is my mother. Darren, Mother, Mother, Darren."

She goes, "So lovely to meet you, Darren,

"you're such a good looking boy, we've been so excited to meet you."

He goes, "Mrs Smith, it's so nice to meet you too..." Would ya?!"

And then you think it's going so wonderfully,

you think, "Let's go and see Auntie Linda."

You say to Auntie Linda, "Linda this is my new boyfriend, Darren"

She goes, "Darren, you're such a beautiful looking boy, it's lovely

"to meet you" he looks at her and goes, "Lovely to meet you..."

"Would ya?" And you think, "Let's make it a hat trick."

So you think, "Let's go and see Grandma..."

Oh, you ageist bastards!

How do you know she's not a 68-year-old GILF?

You've seen Blondie, right?

You go to Grandma, "Grandma, this is Darren,

"Darren, this is Grandma". She looks at Darren and goes

"I'd let ya" and so...

LAUGHTER

My wife and I, we don't argue very often - the only time we argue

is over finances and of course, SHE DOESN'T ADMIT THE AFFAIR!

But apart from that...

We don't argue over much,

I MEAN, HOW MUCH CAN YOU SPEND IN BOOTS?!

"Got the points." But I don't see anything from that, do I?

So ladies and gentleman,

I would now like to re-enact my wife and I arguing

over the finances in our house.

Tonight, she will be played by my left hand

and I will be played by me!

So this is my wife and I, arguing over the finances

in our house, thank you.

SPOOKY DIGITAL ELECTRONICA

STATIC

HE MOUTHS

INDUSTRIAL SIREN

CALL AND ANSWER BETWEEN BRASS AND WIND INSTRUMENTS

MUSIC INTENSIFIES, BOTH INSTRUMENTS AT ONCE

APPLAUSE

BELL RINGS

Winner!

APPLAUSE

"Listen, there's the one in the white shirt

"and the quiffed hair, I don't think he's enjoying himself."

YORKSHIRE SIBILANT ACCENT: "What you on about?

"You can't judge someone just cos they're not laughing - he could be laughing inside,

"you don't know that he's not enjoying himself here tonight."

"I don't think he really likes it."

"You don't know that!"

"What shall I do here?"

"You must forward roll to his girlfriend."

"What?"

"Just forward roll to his girlfriend"

"That could be at least two forward rolls!"

"It is your destiny."

CAMP: It's lovely to meet you, love.

Click-click! Not!

APPLAUSE

Now, I have a question for you. Do you like shoes, madam?

You do!

I like shoes as well.

All right, love?

I'm looking forward to the drive home tonight.

"What?"

I said I'm looking forward to the drive home tonight.

"What you on about, you don't do nothing!

"You just sit there while I do all the accelerating and braking! You don't do nothing!"

"Heard you sneaking out last night."

Eh?

"I said I heard you sneaking out last night, where did you go?"

Went out with a little flip-flop, didn't I?

"What did you say?"

I said I went out with a little flip-flop.

"You can't say that! It's 2013!"

"You can't call them flip-flops, you gotta call them beach shoes,

"beach shoes!"

I don't understand, a lot of my friends are flip-flops.

"There you go again, it's beach shoe!"

Well, they say flip-flop.

"Well, they can, can't they, cos they are flip-flops!"

"Anyway, what does she look like?"

Well, you know, they all look the same, don't they?

APPLAUSE

You know, I have need to take this from you, you know that, eh?

"What?" I don't have to take this from you,

I could have worked with Kurt Cobain.

"Pfft!"

"No, you couldn't." Yes, I could.

"No, you couldn't." Yes, I could.

"No, you couldn't." Yes, I could. "You couldn't!

"You couldn't work with Kurt Cobain!" Why couldn't I

have worked with Kurt Cobain? "Cos he was a size eight!"

"And if you worked with Kurt Cobain, what would you have done,

"anyway?" What would I have done?

I'll show you what I would've done.

MUSIC: "Territorial Pissings" by Nirvana

MUSIC STOPS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you! Dooosh! Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been great, I love you, good night!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Alderton!

Often at the end of an act you can come out and say,

"He's got a DVD coming out or he's got a tour,"

but at the end of Terry's act you just go, "Terry Alderton,

"we're not sure if he's OK!"

Ladies and gentlemen, have you enjoyed yourselves tonight?

APPLAUSE

One more time for the acts you saw, Andi Osho!

And Terry Alderton!

Thank you to all the celebs who turned up, thank you to all of you,

my name's Adam Hills, thank you and good night!