Episode 4 Live at the Apollo


Episode 4

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. Australian comic Adam Hills introduces performances from Andi Osho and, all the way from Albert Square, Terry Alderton.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Adam Hills!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello, London!

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Hello, London and welcome to live at the Apollo. My name's Adam Hills.

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I have two amazing acts to present to you tonight. Are you well?

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AUDIENCE: Yeah!

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Excellent! There are celebrities in the house -

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-Tinie Tempah's here, people!

-CHEERING

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Hey, buddy!

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Tinie Tempah's here. Love your music, love you. We've met before.

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But you know what I love about Tinie Tempah? The name.

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There's thought gone into the name, Tinie Tempah.

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You've told me this before,

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you chose something harsh, like "temper", then you offset it

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with "tiny" and I love that. There's thought that's gone into it.

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Not like Jay-Z who threw two darts at an alphabet!

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LAUGHTER

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And so what it is it's something impressive and harsh

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like "temper", offset by something cuddly like "tiny", brilliant.

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It's a lovely name. It's like Angry Birds or Prime Minister Miliband.

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-LAUGHTER

-Er...

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Sorry, every time we look at your Prime Minister we go,

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-"Yeah, go on, I dare you."

-LAUGHTER

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Kimberly Wyatt is here from the Pussycat Dolls. Absolutely brilliant.

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-Yes, Kimberly Wyatt's here.

-CHEERING

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The only thing I know about you is that your nickname is Flexi Doll,

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because you are the most supple of the Pussycat Dolls.

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Just let's all take a moment to imagine that....

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LAUGHTER

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Again, I compare myself to that and go

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"Well, I would be Rusty Babushka" if that was the case.

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah, inside this 43-three-year old decrepit body is just

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a broken 62-year-old.

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And then inside him there's a 95-five-year old

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weeping cos he can't find his Zimmer frame.

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I'm genuinely chuffed that you're here and...I don't care,

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I love music and I don't understand it and I'm blown away by it

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and that's why I think you're brilliant.

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And I've seen the power of music around the world. I've seen

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music bring people together, regardless of nationality.

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I've seen that Jon Bon Jovi is the universal constant.

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LAUGHTER

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Whether or not you like his music, if you can sing a Jon Bon Jovi song

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anywhere in the world you will bond a room full of people instantly.

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I was doing shows in Belgium once

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and I was backstage with a group of Belgian comics,

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five Belgian comedians, me and Michael McIntyre.

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And I'm thinking, what do you...?

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I've got nothing in common with these guys. How do you...

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How do you start a conversation with a Belgian?

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I was like, "Er, do you like waffles?"

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It was this weirdest thing where everyone was nervous,

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no-one knew what to say and one of the Belgian guys,

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I can only assume out of nerves...

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just started singing to himself under his breath.

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In the middle of this crowded room everyone's gone quiet

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and this one guy went,

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# This Romeo is bleeding...

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LAUGHTER

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# But you can't see his blood

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# It's nothing but some feelings that this old dog kicked up #

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Then he must have suddenly realised what he was doing

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cos he looked at me and went,

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"Oh." So I looked back across the room and just went,

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# It's been raining since you left me...

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LAUGHTER

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# And I'm drowning in the flood

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# You see I've always been a fighter but without you I give up! #

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And he gave me a look that said, "You're not serious, are you?"

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And I gave him a look to say, "I am if you are, big fella."

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He took a step in and went # And I can't sing a love song

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# Like the way it's meant to be #

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And I thought, "I will see you

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"and raise you, my friend," so I stood up and went,

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# And I guess that's just not good any more but baby that's just me! #

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There was a pause, then everyone in the room did the chorus!

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Me, five comedians and Michael McIntyre just went,

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-BAWLING:

-# And I will love you, baby! Ooohhhhh! #

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We bonded. We Jon Bonded.

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LAUGHTER

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And it occurred to me then that Jon Bon Jovi songs may not solve

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the Middle East peace crisis, but it's worth a shot, isn't it?

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Just send an envoy into the Middle East, Israelis on one side,

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Palestinians on the other. "No, no, this land is for the Jewish people.

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"God promised it to the Jews. We will never back down.

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"You guys?" "No, this land is for the Palestinian people. We'll never back down!"

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"Is there any way?" "No, no way." Just pull out a microphone.

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# Oowa, oowa, oowa, oowa, oowa, ooowa, oowa #

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And just wait!

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Honestly, I think the Israelis would crack first.

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"No, this is ridiculous, how can we...?"

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# Tommy used to work on the docks #

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LAUGHTER

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The Palestinians would have to join in. "This is outrageous!

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# Gina works the diner all day #

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And within a minute they'd all be on their feet, lighters in the air.

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# Whooooooaaaaaah! Living on a prayer! #

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I mean, they'd argue about which prayer

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-but at least they'd be singing together.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You see, that's the thing, music fires people up as well.

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I get very fired up by music.

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Oh, man, I went on a rant. I was in Starbucks recently.

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Now, I have a lot of problems with Starbucks.

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My main problem with Starbucks is, they make shit coffee.

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I was in a Starbucks and they were selling albums.

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They were selling albums, they were selling CDs. They were selling

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a Doors CD.

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Does that appal you as much as it appals me?

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Are you aware who I'm talking about when I say The Doors? Jim Morrison, The Lizard King?

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The man who died choking on his own vomit in a bath?

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Who was arrested for indecent exposure on stage.

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He's available in Starbucks?!

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That's not... Mika, Mika should be available in Starbucks.

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I don't know if you know Mika's work,

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it sounds like James Blunt shagged a sponge.

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LAUGHTER

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That should be in Starbucks. You know what I mean?

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If you have The Doors in Starbucks, at least pay homage,

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have a Morrison mochachino where you drop in acid and stir it with your cock, do it properly!

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LAUGHTER

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I love all music and do you know what I love?

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I love boy bands.

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I know, and not necessarily the music

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but just the fact you can put one together. You can create

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a boy band, you just need a certain look.

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Honestly, I could create a boy band out of five members of the audience right now.

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WHOOPING

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In fact...

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CHEERING

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Right... You, fella, could you hop up on stage, please?

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Come round on the stairs here, excellent. Yep, you'll be right.

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There's a few down here that look a little too obvious.

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Oh, shit, yeah, you have to!

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-LAUGHTER

-You have to. One, two, three...

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Yeah, come on, yep, four.

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And I'm going to go one more.

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Oh, yeah, two rows back. You, fella, come on down.

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All right, here we go.

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WOLF-WHISTLE

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Oh, hey, Nick. Sorry. How are you with stairs?

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Yeah, I can do it, mate.

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Yeah, cool. Right.

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I just realised I picked on Nick Hamilton!

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CHEERING

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I know.

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That's right, Adam,

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find a guy with cerebral palsy, make him walk upstairs.

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LAUGHTER

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They didn't think to put a ramp in for you, did they?

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LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

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All right, all right, I think this is going to work!

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Now, we've got every member you would find in a boy...

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I'll need to swap you round a little bit.

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Yeah, you don't have the dodgy guy at the end.

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Look at this, we've got the buff guy that the ladies are going to love,

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we've got the slightly nerdy guy that the weird girls are going to

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get into, we've got the rebellious bloke, we've got the one...

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Well, you're probably the one who can sing

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cos I can see no other talent there.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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And we've got the guy who'll become gay. So...

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LAUGHTER

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Right, every boy band member has to have their own look.

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Now, I'm going to try you, Nick, I'm going to try you with this.

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Your look, when I go, just hands down in front...

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-Nice!

-CHEERING

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All right, awesome.

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Yours...fold your arms, turn side on.

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Brilliant! You're Superman, hands on hips.

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LAUGHTER

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You've got one arm behind your head.

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Nice!

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You, er, you've got both arms behind your head.

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-HE PURRS

-Awesome, awesome.

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Now, if I do this we have an album cover.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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There's more to it than this, though, there's more to it than this.

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So at some point I'm going to click my fingers.

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When I, go into your boy band pose, OK?

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Right, now, this is going to...

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I don't know if this is going to work.

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Then at some point I'm going to say "Dance."

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LAUGHTER

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Now, we've got Brendan Cole here from Strictly Come Dancing.

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He's not going to need to teach you steps, this is very easy.

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It's a man dance, it's right foot, left foot.

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LAUGHTER

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Just try that. Yep, you got it.

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That's perfect. If you get out of step with everybody, just stop,

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they'll come back to you and you join back in again.

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-It's absolutely fine.

-LAUGHTER

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We can all do this. And then at some point I'm going to say "Turn."

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I don't how it's going to work but we'll just give it a...

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-WHOOPING

-Yeah? Yeah?

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How am I going to do that?

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Yeah, that's a good point.

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You know what, yours is so quick no-one sees it.

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LAUGHTER

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How's the rest of it, stepping and all that?

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Cool. When you're stepping, if you feel like

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clicking your fingers, feel free. Clap your hands if you want, you'll be fine.

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All right. Everyone, I need starting positions, which is heads down.

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Oh, nice! Heads down, no smiling, no smiling, serious faces.

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Can we do something with the lighting?

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Can we drop the lighting ever so slightly?

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Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you tonight

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the newest boy band to come out of London. Yeah, the Back Yard Boys!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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OK, you ready, boys? Here we go.

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# You are... #

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No, not all of you! Just one at a time!

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LAUGHTER

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Sorry, we've all gone off a bit early.

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I should have explained that.

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Try and think about something else, reload, you'll be fine.

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When I click at each of you individually, into your...

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Oh, God, is this what it was like in the Pussycat Dolls?

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LAUGHTER

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Jesus, which one's Scherzinger, which one?

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Weird in the middle, isn't it? Yeah, all right.

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-LAUGHTER

-All right, here we go.

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Jeez, it is harder than I thought to put a boy band together, isn't it?

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Oh, shit, OK, right.

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# You are...

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# My fire...

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# My one...

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# Desire...

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-# I love when you say...

-WHOOPING AND CHEERING

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# That I want it that way... #

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Dance! # Tell me why

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# Ain't nothin' but a heartache

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# Tell me why ain't nothin' but a mistake

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# Tell me why, I never want to hear you say #

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And turn!

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# I want it that way. #

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Ladies and gentlemen, the Back Yard Boys!

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Well done!

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Thank you, guys!

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Ah! Ladies and gentlemen, I'll back throughout the night

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-But are you ready for your first act of the night?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

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She's absolutely amazing, she is Andi Osho!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Whoooo!

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Wow!

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Wow!

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Hello, Apollo! CHEERING

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Hey! Excellent!

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I'm so glad to you've come out tonight,

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so nice to see people come out to support live comedy.

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Cos not everybody gets it, right? The other day

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I was took a taxi, it had a Romanian cab driver and I was trying

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to explain to him live comedy and he was just like, "No."

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Like it didn't mean anything to him.

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And I said, "Well don't you have like live comedy, live comedians in your country?"

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He's like, "No, he is on television."

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LAUGHTER

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It made it sound like there's one comedian in Romania!

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"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

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"I am your premier comed...ONLY comedian.

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"What you get if you cross Polish man with Latvian man?

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"You cannot, this is homosexuality and is banned."

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LAUGHTER

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"An Englishman, an Irishman a Scottish man walk into a bar.

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"Because they are British, they are drunk and alcoholic.

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LAUGHTER

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"Two nuns are in the bath because there is water shortage."

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LAUGHTER

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I could do this all night.

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So what else has been happening?

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This happened - a kid got expelled from school

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for putting a picture on Facebook of his genitals in his teacher's mug.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, that is taking teabagging to a whole new level, innit?

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How did they even know it was him?

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Did they dust the mug for wrinkle prints or something?

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"Yes, that's definitely Jonathan from Year 11."

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"How do you know, Headmaster?"

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"I just do!"

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They need good role models. Also, like in celebrity land,

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they need role models. Not the sort that are famous for being famous,

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like Peter Andre. God bless his heart but he's made an

0:14:280:14:31

18-year career out of one song!

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LAUGHTER

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So much so that he's even got a perfume called Mysterious Girl.

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Now, call me crazy but surely, as a woman, the one thing you don't

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want to smell like is mysterious?

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You don't want to spray that on and then walk past your mates

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and your mates are like, "Ugh! What is that? Is that egg?

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"You smell mysterious!

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"Ugh! Eurgh!"

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Or Cheryl Cole.

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Sorry, I just get so angry whenever I see her face!

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Like I was watching her when she was on that Piers Morgan Life Stories bleating on about,

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"Being in Africa and my fight with malaria, erghhh."

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I got so angry but then I remembered malaria's a disease - not the name

0:15:130:15:16

of another toilet attendant she's been kicking the shit out of.

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APPLAUSE

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Yeah.

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NORTH-EASTERN ACCENT: "Take that malaria, you bastard! Give us a lollypop!"

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"We're gonna fight for this, love."

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It's good, innit, I like that one.

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Yeah, if she likes hitting people so much maybe

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she should go out with Chris Brown, see how that works out for her!

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Yeah, I said it!

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Yeah, I did that joke in Cheltenham

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and this old lady turned to her husband and was like,

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"Chris Brown? Wasn't he the home secretary in 1987?"

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Her husband was like,

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"I think I'd remember if we had a black home secretary, Margaret!"

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He-he.

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That'd be amazing to be a black home secretary,

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if I was a black home secretary...

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Well, if I was home secretary obviously I'd be black but, er...

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Think it through, Osho!

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That would be amazing

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because I would do the biggest wind up on the Daily Mail ever.

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I would go straight to the BBC news studios

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and do a live broadcast,

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I'd just go... AFRICAN ACCENT: "Good mornin', viewers!

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"As de new home secretary, I want to announce,

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"from now on there will be no immigration laws!

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APPLAUSE

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"Dat's it, de borders are now open!"

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"Tell your friends, tell your family, we have plenty o' money,

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"plenty o' jobs, plenty o' benefits, com, com!

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"Just com, eh?"

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And then close the borders!

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It's tough. It's tough.

0:16:560:16:59

Young people do need good role models. I think

0:16:590:17:02

the Paralympians we had last year, they were amazing role models,

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I don't think you can get better than... right?

0:17:060:17:08

APPLAUSE

0:17:080:17:11

I mean, seriously, they put footballers to shame, they did.

0:17:110:17:16

I mean John Terry must have watched the Paralympics and just gone,

0:17:160:17:19

"Oh! I get it! I'm a twat!"

0:17:190:17:22

APPLAUSE

0:17:220:17:25

As amazing as the Paralympians were I think

0:17:310:17:34

sometimes we did get a little bit patronising towards them.

0:17:340:17:37

Some people went a little bit OTT with all the, "Ah, they're so brave, argh!"

0:17:370:17:41

They're just people who happen to have disabilities,

0:17:410:17:44

they have to train like everybody else.

0:17:440:17:46

They're still athletes and we didn't do this for other

0:17:460:17:49

minority groups, you know what I mean, we didn't watch

0:17:490:17:52

the 100m final going, "Look at the black people running!

0:17:520:17:55

"They're just so fast!

0:17:570:17:58

"And they're not even being chased!"

0:18:000:18:03

APPLAUSE

0:18:030:18:05

But we should all do that next time!

0:18:090:18:11

Apparently, er, this Paralympics that we had here was the most successful Paralympics

0:18:130:18:18

in the history of the games, so Rio better change it up.

0:18:180:18:21

They should add new categories for the disabilities.

0:18:210:18:24

They should add non-physical ones. Depression, that's a disability.

0:18:240:18:29

You'd just get a guy sat in the sandpit at the end of the long jump

0:18:290:18:32

going, "What's the bloody point?"

0:18:320:18:34

What else has been happening? Oh, so, I tried online dating again.

0:18:380:18:42

Yeah, right.

0:18:420:18:44

I mean, to be honest, I didn't last long. About ten days.

0:18:440:18:47

Cos I think online dating is a hoax, man. I'm sorry.

0:18:470:18:50

I think it's the biggest online hoax since Nigeria got e-mail. It is.

0:18:500:18:54

I swear.

0:18:540:18:55

That is some scam they are running!

0:18:560:18:58

The only people that have managed to combine the internet

0:18:580:19:02

and dating is, er, gay guys because they've got Grindr.

0:19:020:19:05

Right, OK, let me explain. Some people don't know about Grindr.

0:19:050:19:08

OK, so what it is, it's pretty spectacular.

0:19:080:19:12

It's an app that tells gay guys how far

0:19:120:19:15

they are from another available gay man.

0:19:150:19:18

It's awesome.

0:19:180:19:19

I was explaining this to a friend and he was like,

0:19:190:19:21

"So, it's like a tracker?"

0:19:210:19:23

It's not a tracker, you're not hunting gay men.

0:19:250:19:27

It's not like that scene in Jurassic Park where the guy's going

0:19:290:19:31

through the jungle, then two gay guys are going to

0:19:310:19:34

swoop in from either side and he's like, "Clever girl."

0:19:340:19:37

Or like an Aboriginal man picking up some debris and going,

0:19:390:19:42

"Hmm, leather chaps, rainbow flag. Sh, sh, they're close."

0:19:420:19:46

And the guys have to be registered on the website to come up on the app.

0:19:490:19:52

You can't just suddenly start using your iPhone as a gaydar now,

0:19:520:19:55

you can't go round, "Beep, beep, you are fabulous."

0:19:550:19:58

You can't... You can't do that.

0:19:580:20:00

So I downloaded Grindr onto my phone and as soon as I fired it up,

0:20:000:20:05

there were 70 registered guys within ten metres of me.

0:20:050:20:08

Do you know what it was like?

0:20:080:20:10

Do you remember that scene in Aliens where they are surrounded

0:20:100:20:13

by the aliens and they are like, "Ten metres... That's in the room."

0:20:130:20:18

"You can't be reading it right." "I am reading it right!"

0:20:190:20:23

"They're coming through the damn walls!"

0:20:230:20:25

And there's a little girl going, "They mostly come out at night.

0:20:250:20:30

"Mostly."

0:20:300:20:31

They brought out a version of it for straight women as well.

0:20:380:20:41

When I heard, I was like, "This is great!"

0:20:410:20:42

Then, "How's it going to work?"

0:20:420:20:44

Like, is a women going to be on her own in a half-empty bar

0:20:440:20:48

and she thinks, "I'll just fire up the old Lady Grindr."

0:20:480:20:52

That doesn't sound nice at all, does it?

0:20:520:20:54

That sounds like a really aggressive sex toy.

0:20:540:20:57

"I don't need a man, I got Lady Grindr!

0:20:570:21:01

"Just kidney punches me to orgasm!"

0:21:010:21:04

Or something like that.

0:21:040:21:06

I hope I haven't scandalised anybody, cos with comedy

0:21:060:21:09

you've got to be careful, you gotta make sure you're politically correct

0:21:090:21:12

and blah blah, but sometimes people take it too far and you

0:21:120:21:15

don't want to be too caught up in the boundaries of political

0:21:150:21:18

correctness. Some people do take it too far, like somebody complained

0:21:180:21:22

to IKEA because their instructions only showed men making the stuff.

0:21:220:21:26

Now, let me just check, girls, give a shit?

0:21:270:21:30

No! Cos as far as we're concerned, that is a win-win situation!

0:21:310:21:35

We'll be watching the geezer building the furniture going,

0:21:350:21:38

"Oh darling, I'd love to help you build this thing

0:21:380:21:41

"but it says you have to do it!"

0:21:410:21:43

It's good when people just do a two fingers up to political

0:21:500:21:53

correctness. This happened around the time of 7/7,

0:21:530:21:56

everyone was a little jumpy around brown people with bags on buses.

0:21:560:21:59

Relax, we all did it.

0:21:590:22:01

And I was on the top deck of the bus, had paid, in your face, TFL. And...

0:22:010:22:06

And there was an Asian guy at the back of the bus,

0:22:080:22:10

just minding his own business, looking through his bag.

0:22:100:22:13

All the people sat around him were watching him, transfixed.

0:22:130:22:17

Little bead of sweat down their temples,

0:22:170:22:20

and then they all started moving, one at a time, just one seat.

0:22:200:22:24

What sort of bomb did they think he was packing that had a blast

0:22:240:22:27

radius of one seat?!

0:22:270:22:29

Like, did they think it was going to go off like this, "Oh, no!

0:22:300:22:34

"That has gone everywhere now, I got bomb all over me!

0:22:340:22:39

"That's not going to come out in a hot wash, is it?

0:22:390:22:42

"Terrorists!"

0:22:420:22:45

We don't do that enough, do we?

0:22:450:22:46

I didn't move, but mainly out of social embarrassment.

0:22:460:22:50

You don't like to cause a scene, do you? I'd rather die! But...

0:22:500:22:53

So this guy, he was minding his own business.

0:22:540:22:58

He sort of becomes aware of this movement around him,

0:22:580:23:00

he looks up, sees that there's this massive space around him.

0:23:000:23:03

And he looks up, sees me staring at him from the front of the bus

0:23:030:23:06

and this is all he did, it was perfect, he just went,

0:23:060:23:09

"Kaboom."

0:23:090:23:11

Woooo! Anyways, ladies and gentlemen, you've been awesome.

0:23:140:23:17

I've been Andi Osho. Thank you very much, good night!

0:23:170:23:20

APPLAUSE

0:23:200:23:23

Ladies and gentlemen, Andi Osho!

0:23:290:23:31

I did some shows in America last year, which is

0:23:340:23:37

kind of hilarious because American comedians are really slick.

0:23:370:23:40

American comedians, they just come out and just bang out jokes.

0:23:400:23:44

And I'm not good at that.

0:23:440:23:45

"OK, here's your first act, Tommy Johnson." And some guy goes,

0:23:450:23:48

"I was at the gym yesterday. Anybody go to the gym?

0:23:480:23:50

"What's the gym like?" People go, "Yeah, the gym, man!"

0:23:500:23:54

"Here's your next act, Sean McKenzie." Guy comes out,

0:23:540:23:57

"So I'm in my car. Does anyone here drive a car? How cool a car...?"

0:23:570:24:00

"Yeah, we love cars!"

0:24:000:24:02

"Here's your next act,

0:24:020:24:04

"from Australia, Adam Hills." I walk out and go, "Who are you?

0:24:040:24:07

"What's your name? Let's take a photo. Let's make a boy band.

0:24:070:24:10

"Hurray!" And the audience are like, "Should he be here?"

0:24:100:24:13

I got told off by a Hollywood producer after one of my shows.

0:24:130:24:16

This guy in the bar went, "You're doing it all wrong, man.

0:24:160:24:19

"You're doing it wrong.

0:24:190:24:20

"You gotta grab an audience, tell them what you do.

0:24:200:24:22

"What do you do?" "I don't know...

0:24:220:24:24

"I tell stories?"

0:24:240:24:26

"What kind of stories do you tell, man?"

0:24:260:24:28

"Um, I don't know, I'm an Australian who tells stories.

0:24:280:24:31

"It's kind of all I've got."

0:24:310:24:33

"You got to give him more, what kind of Aussie are you?"

0:24:330:24:35

"What?" "There are Aussies everywhere in Hollywood, man.

0:24:350:24:38

"Where do you fit? You got to grab an audience.

0:24:380:24:40

"Tell them what you do, where you fit amongst every other Aussie

0:24:400:24:43

"in Hollywood." So this was my opening line the next night.

0:24:430:24:46

"Er, g'day, my name's Adam, I'm from Australia.

0:24:460:24:48

"I'm less talented than Hugh Jackman but more tolerant than Mel Gibson."

0:24:480:24:52

Pretty much all I've got, people.

0:24:540:24:56

That's it. I can't dance, but I quite like Jews. Hurray.

0:24:590:25:02

No, I should check - are there Australians here?

0:25:020:25:05

SOME CHEERS

0:25:050:25:08

Yes! Of course, it's a free night out in London.

0:25:080:25:10

Are there New Zealand... Where's Brendan Cole?

0:25:120:25:15

Where are you, Brendan? You're a New Zealander, aren't you, my friend?

0:25:150:25:19

-CHEERING

-Yes.

0:25:190:25:21

Ah, there are New Zealanders here, or just women who love your body.

0:25:210:25:24

Four people.

0:25:240:25:26

It's the proportional representation of New Zealanders in the room,

0:25:260:25:29

When was the last time you flew Air New Zealand?

0:25:290:25:31

-Two years ago.

-Two years ago.

0:25:310:25:33

-What was the safety demonstration video?

-The All Blacks.

0:25:330:25:36

-The All Blacks.

-Standard.

-Air New Zealand make the best safety

0:25:360:25:39

demonstration videos in the world.

0:25:390:25:41

A few months ago, if you flew, it was the entire

0:25:410:25:43

cast of The Hobbit telling you what to do in case of an emergency.

0:25:430:25:46

I'm assuming when oxygen came down, Gollum went,

0:25:460:25:49

"Mine, Precious!"

0:25:490:25:51

I flew during the Rugby World Cup.

0:25:520:25:54

I'm glad they've gone with the All Blacks.

0:25:540:25:56

I flew during the Rugby World Cup.

0:25:560:25:58

They had an '80s fitness instructor by the name of Richard Simmons.

0:25:580:26:01

I don't know if you remember this guy, he was the campest man

0:26:010:26:04

on the planet before any of us knew what gay meant.

0:26:040:26:06

He'd come out and conduct fitness videos going,

0:26:060:26:09

"OK, people, squeeze your tush and squeeze it, and squeeze it.

0:26:090:26:12

"Come on, let's work!" And we'd all go, "His wife must be so happy."

0:26:120:26:16

He was doing the safety demonstration video

0:26:160:26:18

on Air New Zealand but like that! They had pumping music.

0:26:180:26:22

IMITATES POUNDING MUSIC

0:26:220:26:23

And he came out going, "Come on, people, let's get fit to fly!

0:26:230:26:27

"If you need oxygen, pull and breathe!

0:26:270:26:30

"And pull and breathe." And the whole plane are going, "Oh, my God."

0:26:300:26:35

At one point he did this. "To put your bags away, reach and slide.

0:26:350:26:39

"You're a giraffe."

0:26:390:26:41

And it made everyone watch but I couldn't help thinking,

0:26:440:26:47

this was during the Rugby World Cup when it was held in New Zealand!

0:26:470:26:50

"Why don't you use the All Blacks and get them to do a Haka?

0:26:500:26:53

"Why don't you have 15 blokes doing a safety demonstration video

0:26:530:26:56

"in jerseys just going, 'Your exits, your exits are here, and here.'"

0:26:560:27:01

Seems appropriate.

0:27:040:27:06

Another country that is taking over the world,

0:27:080:27:11

but in our own special way, is Australia. Yeah.

0:27:110:27:14

Cos Australian slang has made its way through Europe.

0:27:140:27:16

It's ended up, honestly, there are countries that don't have

0:27:160:27:19

English as a first language that are using Australian slang now.

0:27:190:27:22

Apparently in Sweden, the kids say, "No worries."

0:27:220:27:25

There are teenagers in Sweden going....

0:27:250:27:27

IMITATES SWEDISH

0:27:270:27:28

"No worries." "Ja."

0:27:280:27:30

I think that's how they talk. In Germany, it's fair enough.

0:27:310:27:35

IMITATES GERMAN

0:27:350:27:36

"Fair enough." "Good."

0:27:360:27:38

I couldn't work out how this was going on.

0:27:380:27:40

I remembered, I was in Holland once doing a show

0:27:400:27:42

with a bunch of Dutch comics. We went out for beers afterwards.

0:27:420:27:45

We're all drinking beers, ordering in Dutch.

0:27:450:27:47

Cos of the Dutch waitress.

0:27:470:27:48

One round came in and I went, "I'm going to sit this out.

0:27:480:27:51

"Can I have a sparkling water?" And they went, "Yeah, sparkling water."

0:27:510:27:55

And they're all chatting in Dutch. Waitress came back with a beer.

0:27:550:27:58

I said, "I'm really sorry," forgetting she was Dutch.

0:27:580:28:00

"I'm really sorry, I ordered a sparkling water.

0:28:000:28:03

"This is a beer." And she just went, "Ah, it's all good."

0:28:030:28:06

That's when I worked it out. We are taking over the world.

0:28:080:28:12

One backpacker at a time.

0:28:120:28:14

They're all coming to Australia, picking up the language

0:28:140:28:18

and taking it home. This is where we can all help each other out.

0:28:180:28:20

What do you do when you see a tourist?

0:28:200:28:22

Probably what we do, you see Japanese tourists

0:28:220:28:24

looking at a map, they don't know where they're going.

0:28:240:28:27

You do what we do, which is go, "Work it out for yourselves."

0:28:270:28:30

Don't! Help them out, but use slang. Throw in as much slang as possible.

0:28:300:28:34

If I see a Japanese tourist on the street in Australia, I just

0:28:340:28:37

walk up and go, "G'day, cobbers." "What is cobber?" "Means mate.

0:28:370:28:41

"How's it hanging?" "What is hanging?"

0:28:410:28:43

"Means how's it going?" "It's good." "Where do you need to go?"

0:28:430:28:46

"Opera House." "Oh, strewth, crikey."

0:28:460:28:48

"Go down those stairs, round the corner, up those stairs again,

0:28:480:28:52

"Bob's your uncle and a dingo took my baby."

0:28:520:28:55

Throw it all in.

0:28:560:28:57

Cos they'll go home and they'll repeat it to their mates.

0:28:570:29:00

That's how the language takes off.

0:29:000:29:01

"How was Australia?" "Oh, strewth and crikey.

0:29:010:29:04

"Bob is my uncle and a dingo took my baby, ha-ha-ha."

0:29:040:29:07

APPLAUSE

0:29:080:29:10

And if we all do this, if we all promise to do this,

0:29:130:29:16

one day we'll be able to travel from one side of Europe to the other

0:29:160:29:19

without needing to learn another language.

0:29:190:29:21

When you're in London, Cockney it up when you see tourists.

0:29:210:29:23

Couple of Japanese tourists,

0:29:230:29:25

"All right, muckers, apples and pears, how's it going, yeah!"

0:29:250:29:28

Throw it all in. Then one day there'll be two Swedes beside

0:29:280:29:31

a river in Gothenburg chatting, just going, "Do you know, Sven, sometimes

0:29:310:29:35

"I think we live in the most beautiful country on the planet.

0:29:350:29:37

"The way the sunlight glistens off the fjord

0:29:370:29:39

"and up through the pine trees. We are so beautifully blessed."

0:29:390:29:42

And Sven will look back and go, "Oh, Jurgen...

0:29:420:29:46

"you are such a bell end."

0:29:460:29:47

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to introduce your next act,

0:29:550:29:58

there is no way to describe this man,

0:29:580:30:00

he is unlike any other comedian you've ever seen,

0:30:000:30:03

you are gonna love him. Please raise the roof for Terry Alderton!

0:30:030:30:08

APPLAUSE

0:30:080:30:10

Ladies and gentlemen, it's so lovely to be here at the O2.

0:30:210:30:25

Er...

0:30:250:30:27

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:30:270:30:29

I know when I come out here a lot of people don't know what I'm about.

0:30:320:30:35

You look at me and you think to yourself possibly I am...

0:30:350:30:38

CAMP: "Hiya, how you doing, it's so nice to be here!"

0:30:380:30:41

And others look at me and think,

0:30:410:30:43

HARD-MAN: "What you looking at, mate?"

0:30:430:30:46

We all judge books by covers, don't we?

0:30:460:30:49

Recently I've met this kid, yeah, who's one of them

0:30:490:30:51

kids that talks with a sophisticated ring-pull device.

0:30:510:30:53

Them kids like that, with a bad right leg

0:30:530:30:55

and someone's going to steal their penis. Them kids, yeah?

0:30:550:30:58

He's like that the whole time, I'm like, "Hello,"

0:30:580:31:02

he's like, "What you lookin' at? What you doin' on a bus?

0:31:020:31:05

"You're playing music so loud. What you talkin' about?

0:31:050:31:07

"What you doin' with those scissors?"

0:31:070:31:09

I've been a bit strapped for cash recently,

0:31:130:31:15

so I decided to rent out my right knee to him.

0:31:150:31:19

It's bad enough that I have to live with what's going on in here.

0:31:190:31:23

You can only imagine.

0:31:230:31:24

My friend, I have a lot of thoughts in here, yeah?

0:31:240:31:27

And even since the citalopram, the thoughts are still there.

0:31:270:31:31

I have a lot of thoughts.

0:31:310:31:33

A lot of thoughts...

0:31:330:31:36

DRAMATIC MUSIC

0:31:360:31:39

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

0:31:450:31:49

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

0:31:490:31:53

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

0:31:530:31:57

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

-Chicken.

-Chicken? Again?

0:31:570:32:02

It's salmon!

0:32:020:32:03

LAUGHTER

0:32:030:32:05

Not everyone's getting it. "Keep going."

0:32:080:32:11

APPLAUSE

0:32:120:32:14

So I stupidly rented out my right knee to this young boy, yeah,

0:32:170:32:21

he's one of them, you know what I'm sayin', check it out, yeah?

0:32:210:32:24

It's bad enough I have to live with this,

0:32:240:32:26

but he's opened up a drum and bass club in my right knee.

0:32:260:32:30

You want to hear what it's like?

0:32:300:32:32

POUNDING DRUM AND BASS MUSIC

0:32:320:32:35

MUSIC STOPS

0:32:510:32:52

Listen, I'm into monkey fighting at the moment.

0:32:520:32:55

It's all imaginary monkey fighting.

0:32:550:32:58

It's all in my mind - no beasts get hurt, one is about to ensue.

0:32:580:33:02

One has a knife, the other has a gun but the one with the gun has

0:33:020:33:05

no bullets, but the one with the knife doesn't know that!

0:33:050:33:08

LAUGHTER

0:33:080:33:10

So I was in the closet and I just couldn't get out of that closet.

0:33:190:33:23

And I walked round maybe for two or three hours.

0:33:230:33:26

And then I realised I was in my wife's closet and I thought,

0:33:260:33:29

"If I come out of here, this will be very weird."

0:33:290:33:33

And I knew I was in my wife's closet

0:33:330:33:35

because I found contraptions in there.

0:33:350:33:37

(She never told me she had these contraptions.)

0:33:370:33:40

I found three of them in there!

0:33:460:33:48

I said to her, "You've got three of these things in here!

0:33:480:33:51

"You've got a warren!"

0:33:510:33:53

I mean, with women it's contraptions and True Blood and the werewolf,

0:33:550:33:59

I can't compete with that.

0:33:590:34:01

With men it's like working in decimal, with men it's just one,

0:34:010:34:05

two, three, four, five, get hungry, make a sandwich.

0:34:050:34:08

Six, seven, eight, nine, history - click - delete, ten.

0:34:080:34:11

But with women, it's all this.

0:34:130:34:17

I was disgusted and before I left for the gig this evening,

0:34:180:34:21

I covered them in Tabasco.

0:34:210:34:24

So...

0:34:240:34:25

What happens when the one with the knife realises the one

0:34:290:34:32

with the gun has no bullets?!

0:34:320:34:34

But I don't want to come across at any point in my life...

0:34:390:34:42

I don't want women to think I'm wrong in any way but as a man

0:34:420:34:45

I do things I can't help myself for,

0:34:450:34:47

like when I have a thought when

0:34:470:34:49

I see a girl, I feel terribly bad about it, you know, every

0:34:490:34:52

single time and I think every man in here does it,

0:34:520:34:54

when you see a woman you can't help yourself have that feeling like

0:34:540:34:58

a voice that goes, "Would ya?"

0:34:580:35:00

Bearing in mind you women know that this happens next time you go

0:35:030:35:06

to a family do, like a wedding or something like that,

0:35:060:35:08

bear in mind that's going to happen when you're with your new boyfriend that you're so excited about.

0:35:080:35:13

And you're skipping along and you go, "Mother, this is Darren,

0:35:130:35:16

"Darren, this is my mother. Darren, Mother, Mother, Darren."

0:35:160:35:19

She goes, "So lovely to meet you, Darren,

0:35:190:35:21

"you're such a good looking boy, we've been so excited to meet you."

0:35:210:35:24

He goes, "Mrs Smith, it's so nice to meet you too..." Would ya?!"

0:35:240:35:28

And then you think it's going so wonderfully,

0:35:280:35:31

you think, "Let's go and see Auntie Linda."

0:35:310:35:34

You say to Auntie Linda, "Linda this is my new boyfriend, Darren"

0:35:340:35:36

She goes, "Darren, you're such a beautiful looking boy, it's lovely

0:35:360:35:39

"to meet you" he looks at her and goes, "Lovely to meet you..."

0:35:390:35:43

"Would ya?" And you think, "Let's make it a hat trick."

0:35:430:35:46

So you think, "Let's go and see Grandma..."

0:35:460:35:49

Oh, you ageist bastards!

0:35:490:35:51

How do you know she's not a 68-year-old GILF?

0:35:520:35:54

You've seen Blondie, right?

0:35:540:35:56

You go to Grandma, "Grandma, this is Darren,

0:35:590:36:01

"Darren, this is Grandma". She looks at Darren and goes

0:36:010:36:04

"I'd let ya" and so...

0:36:040:36:06

LAUGHTER

0:36:060:36:08

My wife and I, we don't argue very often - the only time we argue

0:36:130:36:16

is over finances and of course, SHE DOESN'T ADMIT THE AFFAIR!

0:36:160:36:20

But apart from that...

0:36:200:36:21

We don't argue over much,

0:36:230:36:25

I MEAN, HOW MUCH CAN YOU SPEND IN BOOTS?!

0:36:250:36:29

"Got the points." But I don't see anything from that, do I?

0:36:290:36:33

So ladies and gentleman,

0:36:340:36:36

I would now like to re-enact my wife and I arguing

0:36:360:36:39

over the finances in our house.

0:36:390:36:42

Tonight, she will be played by my left hand

0:36:420:36:46

and I will be played by me!

0:36:460:36:49

So this is my wife and I, arguing over the finances

0:36:500:36:53

in our house, thank you.

0:36:530:36:56

SPOOKY DIGITAL ELECTRONICA

0:36:560:37:00

STATIC

0:37:030:37:05

HE MOUTHS

0:37:050:37:08

INDUSTRIAL SIREN

0:37:080:37:11

CALL AND ANSWER BETWEEN BRASS AND WIND INSTRUMENTS

0:37:110:37:15

MUSIC INTENSIFIES, BOTH INSTRUMENTS AT ONCE

0:37:200:37:24

APPLAUSE

0:37:240:37:26

BELL RINGS

0:37:310:37:32

Winner!

0:37:320:37:35

APPLAUSE

0:37:350:37:38

"Listen, there's the one in the white shirt

0:37:440:37:47

"and the quiffed hair, I don't think he's enjoying himself."

0:37:470:37:51

YORKSHIRE SIBILANT ACCENT: "What you on about?

0:37:510:37:54

"You can't judge someone just cos they're not laughing - he could be laughing inside,

0:37:540:37:57

"you don't know that he's not enjoying himself here tonight."

0:37:570:38:01

"I don't think he really likes it."

0:38:010:38:03

"You don't know that!"

0:38:030:38:06

"What shall I do here?"

0:38:060:38:07

"You must forward roll to his girlfriend."

0:38:070:38:10

"What?"

0:38:100:38:11

"Just forward roll to his girlfriend"

0:38:110:38:14

"That could be at least two forward rolls!"

0:38:190:38:22

"It is your destiny."

0:38:220:38:24

CAMP: It's lovely to meet you, love.

0:38:420:38:43

Click-click! Not!

0:38:430:38:45

APPLAUSE

0:38:450:38:48

Now, I have a question for you. Do you like shoes, madam?

0:38:530:38:57

You do!

0:38:570:38:59

I like shoes as well.

0:38:590:39:01

All right, love?

0:39:090:39:11

I'm looking forward to the drive home tonight.

0:39:150:39:18

"What?"

0:39:180:39:20

I said I'm looking forward to the drive home tonight.

0:39:200:39:24

"What you on about, you don't do nothing!

0:39:240:39:26

"You just sit there while I do all the accelerating and braking! You don't do nothing!"

0:39:260:39:31

"Heard you sneaking out last night."

0:39:430:39:45

Eh?

0:39:470:39:49

"I said I heard you sneaking out last night, where did you go?"

0:39:490:39:53

Went out with a little flip-flop, didn't I?

0:39:550:39:57

"What did you say?"

0:39:590:40:00

I said I went out with a little flip-flop.

0:40:000:40:02

"You can't say that! It's 2013!"

0:40:020:40:06

"You can't call them flip-flops, you gotta call them beach shoes,

0:40:060:40:09

"beach shoes!"

0:40:090:40:11

I don't understand, a lot of my friends are flip-flops.

0:40:150:40:19

"There you go again, it's beach shoe!"

0:40:190:40:21

Well, they say flip-flop.

0:40:230:40:25

"Well, they can, can't they, cos they are flip-flops!"

0:40:250:40:28

"Anyway, what does she look like?"

0:40:340:40:37

Well, you know, they all look the same, don't they?

0:40:370:40:40

APPLAUSE

0:40:400:40:42

You know, I have need to take this from you, you know that, eh?

0:40:460:40:49

"What?" I don't have to take this from you,

0:40:490:40:52

I could have worked with Kurt Cobain.

0:40:520:40:55

"Pfft!"

0:40:550:40:56

"No, you couldn't." Yes, I could.

0:40:560:40:58

"No, you couldn't." Yes, I could.

0:40:580:41:00

"No, you couldn't." Yes, I could. "You couldn't!

0:41:000:41:03

"You couldn't work with Kurt Cobain!" Why couldn't I

0:41:030:41:05

have worked with Kurt Cobain? "Cos he was a size eight!"

0:41:050:41:08

"And if you worked with Kurt Cobain, what would you have done,

0:41:110:41:14

"anyway?" What would I have done?

0:41:140:41:17

I'll show you what I would've done.

0:41:170:41:19

MUSIC: "Territorial Pissings" by Nirvana

0:41:190:41:23

MUSIC STOPS

0:41:570:41:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:41:590:42:02

Thank you! Dooosh! Winner!

0:42:060:42:09

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been great, I love you, good night!

0:42:090:42:13

APPLAUSE

0:42:130:42:16

Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Alderton!

0:42:390:42:42

Often at the end of an act you can come out and say,

0:42:450:42:47

"He's got a DVD coming out or he's got a tour,"

0:42:470:42:50

but at the end of Terry's act you just go, "Terry Alderton,

0:42:500:42:53

"we're not sure if he's OK!"

0:42:530:42:55

Ladies and gentlemen, have you enjoyed yourselves tonight?

0:42:560:42:59

APPLAUSE

0:42:590:43:01

One more time for the acts you saw, Andi Osho!

0:43:010:43:05

And Terry Alderton!

0:43:050:43:07

Thank you to all the celebs who turned up, thank you to all of you,

0:43:070:43:11

my name's Adam Hills, thank you and good night!

0:43:110:43:13

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