Episode 6 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

Nina Conti!

Woo! Thank you!

Thank you so much!

Wow, this is thrilling! Live At The Apollo!

Hello, welcome!

I am your host, hello!

CHEERING

Now, I'm not hosting alone, I have a friend with me in here.

He's really the main guy, he writes all my jokes.

Can we please give it up for Monkey?

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. CHEERING

What a thrill. Good Lord, look at this!

They know it's ventriloquism?

Yeah, they catch on quick.

Look at her, standing there, trying not to move her mouth.

What a tosser.

Can you get rid of the bag?

Yeah, you don't have to be in the bag the whole time.

There's no going back!

No, there's no going back, so here we are.

Here we are in the now, Live At The Apollo.

Look at all these...

these folk.

Yeah, these folk, these celebrities.

I'd love to talk to some of these celebrities

but, unfortunately, Nina doesn't watch your shows.

That's not true!

Look at Bill Oddie there, what's he doing?

-What have you got there, Bill?

-It's a badger.

-It's a badger?

-Does he talk?

-Er, no.

-No?

Your hand is up his arse and he still doesn't talk?

What's his name, the badger?

He's just Badger, he represents all the badgers in the world.

Is your badger free after the show, cos I'm going to get in there!

Monkey!

Who knows what species we might create?

Oh, goodness, Fiona Bruce!

Hello, Fiona!

You're such a hottie, I wish I was on your hand.

Erm...

I'm going to move on to you, sir.

You are gorgeous,

Nina fancies you, that's why I said that.

-What do you do?

-Are you legal?

-Monkey!

-I'm sorry, what do you do?

-In sixth form at the moment.

You're in sixth form? Excellent, excellent.

APPLAUSE

Oh, dear me.

Look at her, all dressed up, trying to look so nice

and then she sticks a monkey on her tit and it all goes wrong.

Erm...

Are you sixth form, too?

-Unlucky.

-And are you Mum?

-Yes.

-You're Mum to him.

-OK, good.

-And is this your husband?

-No, Monkey!

-It can't be, are you..?

-My nephew.

It's your nephew...

I'm so sorry, it's really deviant!

-You're all very welcome.

-What do you do, lady?

-What's your name?

-Kay.

-Your name is Kay.

I work in a school kitchen.

-You work in a school kitchen?

-Sloppy...

OK, I'm glad I didn't finish that sentence.

Well, you're all very welcome.

Monkey is going to back off, we're not going to bother you any more.

We're going to do some old-fashioned entertainment.

-What are we going to do, Monkey?

-Sing a song.

-Monkey, I can't sing.

-Oh, what a dead weight.

I carry her, you know.

No, something else.

Like something from the old days of entertainment, where we come from.

-OK, hypnosis.

-Hypnosis, how is that going to work?

Just choose someone eager to please. Someone easily led.

-And you hypnotise the hell out of them.

-Who is that going to be?

-It's going to be you.

-OK. You are going to hypnotise me?

Yes, I am, please sit on the stool provided.

-OK. On here?

-Yes, sit down.

-Do you want to sit on this?

-What is it?

-It's just something they made for you to sit on.

Couldn't look less like a tree, Nina.

-Is it safe?

-Yes.

My heart's not in this.

So, what do I do for you to hypnotise me?

-You just have the focus on something that you find relaxing.

-OK.

-Like the exit sign.

-No, it was just there.

I'll look dead ahead. How does it work then?

-I'm going to count from three to one.

-Mm-hm.

-And when I get to one, you'll be asleep.

-OK.

-Why are you laughing?

-I don't really believe in this kind of thing.

And yet you think I'm real?

LAUGHTER

Just wait till Planet Of The Apes happens for real.

Your arse is mine.

-OK, I think I'm ready to be hypnotised.

-OK, three.

-You are suddenly feeling quite tired.

-OK.

Two, your eyes are beginning to close.

Let them close.

One, you are now in a deep level of trance.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

NO SOUND

Oh!

-What happened?

-I couldn't bloody talk!

What did you expect?

I don't know, I hadn't thought it through.

-We're going to try it again.

-How's it going to be different this time?

This time I want you to retain

the part of your brain where I reside, keep that awake.

-OK.

-And then you go to sleep.

-I'll try.

-OK.

-All right, I'm ready. What do I do?

-Three, you are feeling tired.

-OK.

Two, your eyes are closing.

One, you are in a trance. Don't lose me.

Don't lose me. Testing, testing.

One, two, three, OK, we're cooking with gas.

Now, earlier, you said you couldn't sing.

Well, that doesn't mean I can't.

So now I've got you in a compromising position, I might take advantage.

If you can hear me, I'd like you to raise your finger.

No, not on this hand, you idiot!

LAUGHTER

Oh, God!

On your hand without the monkey on it.

OK, good.

All right, we're ready. I'm going to sing. Can I have track one, please?

I'd like to sing an aria.

MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Puccini

Yes, it's quite ambitious.

I'm not sure she's up to it.

Let's see if I can do it.

Here we go.

# Dilegua, o notte!

# Tramontate, stelle!

# Tramontate, stelle... #

Wow, that's low for a girl!

# All'alba vincero... #

Breathe, Nina.

# Vincero... #

Breathe, Nina, I'm dying, I need more air.

# Vincero! #

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you so much.

Oh, it's so classy without you here.

OK, wake up.

Oh!

-What happened?

-You took your clothes off, it was ill-judged, Nina.

The badger died of fright.

So, are you done with your thing, what you were going to do?

-Yes, I'm done with it. That's excellent, thank you.

-OK.

-So I get up?

-Yeah, you get up.

God, I want freedom.

I'm sorry, you can't have it.

I live vicariously through her all the time.

It's so depressing, I've had it up to here.

-Lift it. Here.

-OK.

Was there anybody else you wanted to talk to on the front row?

I'd like to talk to you a little more.

-Is it fun in the school kitchen? Do you have japes.

-Yeah, it's OK.

You do? What do you cook? What's the nicest thing you cook?

-Spaghetti Bolognese.

-Spaghetti Bolognese.

That's the nicest thing she cooks, ladies and gentlemen.

I'd love to try some. Listen, are you...

Are you free to help out with our act for a little minute

cos Nina needs a new puppet and I think you might be the one.

-Would you join us?

-Yes.

OK, Kay is going to join us on the stage, ladies and gentleman.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much!

Keep clapping, keeping clapping.

We don't want her to lose heart.

I'm going to take my bag now.

What are you going to do, get her to get in the bag?

No, I'm not.

Thank you so much, Kay.

OK, I'm going to go now, and from now on you're taking over, OK?

Good luck!

Now, what I want to do, Kay, is just give you a make over

which is going to take the heat off you

and then you don't have to worry about what you say.

I'm going to do your talking for you.

-I'm just going to put this on you.

-OK.

OK, thank you, Kay.

Fantastic, how are you feeling?

Ha-ha, loving it!

HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE

You all right?

-Ha-ha-ha!

-SQUEAKING LAUGHTER

-You've got a funny laugh!

-I've got a funny laugh!

-You all right?

-Yeah, I love it!

We don't have this much fun in the kitchen!

Oh, dear, how lovely!

Yes, isn't it lovely? Look at this.

I'll just hold my hands together like this.

-You will?

-No, I'll let them go.

HIGHPITCHED GIGGLE

SHE SQUEAKS INTERMITTENTLY

Are you all right?

Yeah, I can't decided what to do with my hands. I can't decide.

Oh, dear, they're here for...

No, they're here. No, they're here.

Where will they go next?

I have no idea!

Here they go...

behind the back!

And here they are again!

That's lovely!

It's the disappearing hand trick.

It's really nice.

I could do this for hours, couldn't I?

-They've gone again!

-They've gone!

Where are they?

Here they are!

That's brilliant!

Oh, yeah, love it. I love it, I'm a natural. I'm a natural performer.

That's amazing!

Just the hand movements, that's all you need.

There they are.

-Magic hands!

-Magic hands! Amazing!

Yeah, always on the move, there they go.

Oh! Hiding them!

Where are they now, ladies and gentleman? There they are!

Fantastic!

Oh, where are the fingers? There they are, magic hands.

Wonderful, magic hands. So what else do you do with them?

Oh, I do mime.

-Mime?

-Yeah, you know, like the brick wall.

There it is, you can see it there, that's...

-What is it?

-It's a robot.

-It was a robot?

SHE GIGGLES

Magic, magic hands!

I love it, what else do you do?

Oh, I do lots of mimes, like this one.

What's that?

It's just, er, tassels.

Lots of tassels hanging down.

Sort of like a tassely thing.

A tassely thing?

Yeah, you know, one of those things.

I don't know what you mean.

You know, with tassels and things and those bits.

That's amazing!

Oh, you can see it, can't you? There it is!

-I'm insane!

-I love it!

I'm mad, me. I'm such a tiger inside!

I love it!

Oh, dear, fingers, fingers.

-That's wonderful, so...

-Can I do my whole act?

-Sorry?

-I'd like to do my act.

Well, more than the mime?

Yeah, I mean, this is some of what I do, but...

That's great. I mean, it's so fast!

Yeah, you just can't keep up with me, can you?

-I can't get enough!

-It's amazing.

Yeah, one of those, one of these, some of them!

HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE

Sure, you can do your act - what do you do?

Oh, I do a bit of juggling.

Yeah, yeah. It's good with balls, though.

-Yes, I bet.

-Have you got any?

I'm presuming you haven't, hence shaking my head. Have you got any?

Have I got any balls? Yes, I have.

Oh, excellent!

-Hand them over!

-Really?

Yeah, I'll do the juggling.

All right.

-OK, there's two.

-OK, I'll need one more, one more.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Oh, my God, that's amazing!

-Wow!

-Can I have three?

-You can do three as well?

-Oh, yeah.

I can't believe you can...

What the hell, I'll just throw them into the crowd!

That's for you, Bill Oddie!

-There's one there.

-Yeah, just leave it there.

It's fine.

That's really good, I can't believe you can juggle.

Yeah, you couldn't do your normal jokes, could you?

Cos I could juggle.

Keeping you on your toes, aren't I?

-That's brilliant.

-And there's something else I do.

You want to do it here now?

Yes, I think they're liking it.

OK, what would you like?

Can I do my balloon modelling?

-Yeah, sure.

-Have you got a balloon?

Yes, I have.

What are the chances!

-There you go.

-Oh, lovely, OK. I'll just stretch it out.

-Have you got a pump?

-Yes, I've got a pump.

Hand it over.

There you go.

Put it in like that.

Insert it.

Don't look at me doing this. Oh, there it goes!

I'll just fill it up like this.

-That's amazing.

-All the way.

-Wow! That's really long!

-Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my goodness!

I'm crazy, me. Anything could happen now!

Wow! I like to fill it really full!

No-one's ever done this!

Yeah, well, I'm keeping you on your toes. I'm mad, me.

-Is this your balloon modelling?

-Yeah, it's a snake!

That is the fullest I've ever seen one!

Yeah, well, watch and learn, Conti, watch and learn.

-What are you doing?

-I'm tying it in a knot!

APPLAUSE

-Brilliant!

-There, you keep that. I'm mad, me.

I said I was mad.

The fun we have in the kitchen.

Wow, are you done?

Well, not exactly. I've got my closing bit.

What's your closing bit?

I like a cream pie at the end of my act.

-Cream pie?

-Yeah, have you got the makings of one?

Well, yes, I suppose so.

What are the chances?! Hand it over.

-What, like that?

-Yeah, I'll just take that out of the wrapper.

-OK.

Have you got any cream?

Well, yes, I've got something you could use as cream.

Hand it over, I'll put that in the bag.

All right, there you go.

And I'll simply squeeze the cream all over the...

All over the base.

Wow, that's loads!

Yeah, lots and lots, I like lots and lots.

Lots and lots, that's lovely. Look at that - isn't that tasty?

-Wow!

-That's better than my spaghetti bolognaise!

So what then do you do?

Well, that'd be telling, wouldn't it?

What are you going to do with it?

Well, I've got a choice, haven't I?

What's your choice?

Well, I could do you or me or...

Or my son.

Do you know what you're going to do?

I'm working on it.

Just thinking about it.

You're just going to throw it into the crowd?

I might, I'm crazy, I'll do what I want.

What does the crowd want me to do?

That's the thing you've got to guess, isn't it?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS SUGGESTIONS

They want me to do you.

-What? No, not me!

-Yes, you!

-No!

-Yes!

On the count of three, I'm going to do it!

What are you going to do?

Oh, my God, you're going to throw it! It could hit anyone!

I could hit Fiona Gruce! Hello!

-Now, that'd be tempting.

-No, don't!

You know what you're going to do?

Yes, I've decided. On the count of three...

Really?

Yeah, count to three and then I'll do something.

-What are you going to do?

-I'm going to do...we'll see.

One, two, three...

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Wasn't she brilliant?!

That was fantastic, well done!

Thank you so much, well done!

You can go that way, you did so brilliantly.

Ladies and gentleman, thank you very much.

Wasn't she brilliant?!

-Now...

-CHEERING

Fantastic!

Now keep the applause going for your next act of this evening.

He's absolutely hilarious and wonderful. You'll love him.

It's Jimeoin, ladies and gentleman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Right...

How's that for a start, was that OK?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Very important, your entrance.

You know this, don't you?

You're fully aware of this. You know when you're in a pub

and new people arrive in the pub, everybody looks at the new people.

"Who are the new people?

"What have the new people got on?"

So you know whenever you arrive in the pub, everyone's looking at you.

So you do a good-looking version of yourself.

You do good-looking looking around, too.

You don't see anything when you're doing good-looking looking around.

Cos that's not looking around, is it?

This is looking around.

You know, that guy on the beach,

he's gone to get his family ice creams

and he's come back to the beach and he can't find his family.

He's in trouble here - it's a hot day,

he's got to find his family soon!

Do you do that? Do you go, like, two one way

and then a correcting one the other way?

Some people do the...

I don't trust them.

You never see busy people with ice creams.

People with things to do.

You never see a foreman on a building site going,

"I want all this shit cleaned out.

"Get on with it, boys!"

I hope my show's not too blokey.

I always try and do jokes for girls as well.

Keep everybody included.

Don't you hate it when you get an itchy fanny?

That's why I love a big handbag.

Ain't that the truth?

I don't really mean these clothes, by the way.

This isn't my look, this isn't what I normally wear.

I just thought I'd dress up for the gig.

But I don't really mean these clothes.

I mean the belt, though.

LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING

Easy!

That's how it works, belts, just a glimpse from time to time, isn't it?

I was at the airport going through security, security guard said,

"Do you mind removing your belt?" I went, "Love to."

He saw the fun in it, he tipped his hat forward and did...

I don't like the way models come out in new clothes -

that walk, that over-confident walk that they do.

Then they give you that look as if to say,

"You'll never be able to afford these clothes."

That's just not the way you wear new clothes, is it?

I'd love to see a catwalk

like the way my wife comes out in a new outfit.

She comes out...

APPLAUSE

Do you think that's how Beyonce takes her bins out?

Empties the dishwasher...

Cleans the piss from round the bottom of the toilet.

"Jay Z, there's piss everywhere here!"

I'm staying at this hotel at the moment.

It's got revolving doors.

It's not a great entrance, is it, revolving doors?

You have to take tiny steps on your arrival.

And they can see you coming, too. No element of surprise.

"Look at this idiot!"

Sometimes your friend gets in with you and it stops - "Oh, you...!

"Get your own cubicle!" "Oh, come with me now, come with me.

"Stay close, stay close, stay close.

"Oh, they're looking at us now,

"they're looking at us, they're looking at us!"

"Forget it with this hotel, I'm going to find a new hotel."

It's just not a great entrance.

My favourite doors to come through, by the way, are saloon doors.

You ever come through saloon doors?

You can push them out of the way quite aggressively...

do good-looking looking around...

..tilt your hat back.

You never see cowboys in Westerns coming through revolving doors.

"There's going to be trouble when I get in here,

"sort this shit out once and for all."

HE MUTTERS MENACINGLY

APPLAUSE

Or people getting chucked out through revolving doors -

"Come out, you idiot!"

I don't like coming through doors in general, I just, you know...

Have you ever come through a hotel door,

and you've got to walk to the reception area

and it's just a long way away from reception?

And the people are looking at you walking through the doors

and you've forgotten how to walk cos they're watching you walking.

Don't look at me when I'm walking.

Don't need that pressure.

You're going through an airport and you can see that one-way glass

and you're thinking, "There's cops in behind that, isn't there?"

They're looking at me right now.

I should be doing my "I don't have any drugs" face.

Then you start thinking, "What is my 'don't have any drugs' face?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I forget a lot of my funny thoughts.

I was in bed the other night, had a funny thought, and I thought,

"I'll remember that."

But when I woke up in the morning, I'd forgotten it.

But I remember thinking, "I'll remember that."

I thought, "Why didn't I just make that the funny thought?"

So I did.

We've got a washing machine in our house.

And there's parts of the wash I'm not too sure of.

There's a bit in the middle where it just goes

"Ommmmm."

"Omm-omm. Om!"

That's washing nothing, that is.

You expect to look in and catch it having a cigarette and a beer.

Do you ever do spin?

Don't know if you notice, people give you a warning

that they're going to do a little spin before they do it.

They just do a little nod of their head before they go round.

That's that signal, "Back off, I could be going round here."

Sometimes I do the nod then don't do the spin,

just keep people on their toes.

Washing machine always comes home strong, doesn't it?

Goes ballistic at the end.

Always after the final rinse you would swear it was telling you

this is the big finish. Does that, "Shhh! Shhh!

"Shun-shun-shun!"

If you're in the kitchen at that point, you think, "Here we go."

Starts off, kind of, low.

Moves up in that higher section.

If it's not plumbed in properly

it can shake the whole kitchen, at this point.

Then it gets to the point

where you just don't think it can go any further.

And it just kicks in to all these gears you didn't know were there.

MIMICS INTENSIFYING SCALE

"Whooooo!"

SILENCE

MIMICS DESCENDING SCALE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's all from me, thank you very much!

Good night, thank you!

Jimeoin, ladies and gentlemen!

-What a funny guy! Imagine how funny I'd be if he was a ventriloquist.

-OK.

So, next up is a very funny guy.

Je-sus, he is a funny guy.

He's amazing, he's hilarious, you're going to love him.

Can we give it up for Rob Beckett, ladies and gentleman?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

-Are we all right? AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

I'm Rob and I've got massive teeth.

Fully aware of that, so you don't need to tell me.

People think I haven't realised yet and let me know.

They go, "Cor, you've got massive teeth, ain't you?"

I go, "Have I? Didn't realise, mate!"

No wonder me dentist drives a Merc.

I'm from south-east London. I'm very working class.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS Working class people in?

Cos doing this job, you meet a lot of middle-class people.

I did the Royal Albert Hall, the small room,

the Elgar room, right, in there with another comedian.

His mum was in there, we're all chatting, and I was like,

"Who's this Elgar bloke and why's he got a room? "What's going on?"

She went, "You don't know who Elgar is? "Your mother would be ashamed!"

I'm like, "Ashamed? She don't know either!"

I've texted her and she said, "Ask someone."

Done that and I'm embarrassed.

Thing is, my girlfriend's very middle class as well.

She used to be upper class, but we're together now.

That's how it works.

Dragging her down.

Her family, in their front room they've got four sofas, no telly.

You just look at each other.

I've never been in a front room without a focal point before!

It's like a doctor's waiting room!

Even they've got a shit telly in the corner.

I'll be honest with you, after an hour of a group crossword,

I'll take a measles jab advert.

They're trying to me a bit more cultured.

Went to Barcelona, which is nice.

Went to a spa. Spas are fun, ain't they?

Had a go in Jacuzzi. Love a Jacuzzi. We all love Jacuzzis don't we?

Know what I mean? Like, but we're British.

We love Jacuzzis so much we get in them with strangers.

I don't even sit next to a stranger on the bus.

Chuck in a bit of bubbly water - I'm all over it!

Loving a Jacuzzi, it's fun. You're sitting in there - bubble, bubble!

Bubble, bubble - oh, trunks - bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble.

Bubble, bubble - strange bloke, you don't care - bubble, bubble.

Only problem is, once the bubbles stop, it's a weird bath. Innit?

It's a weird bath for your new mate.

It is the only time in your life you'll ever to someone.

"Come on, mate, stick the bubbles back on to make it normal."

"It's getting a bit weird in here flat."

We're trying to get a flat in south-east London. Her family's

not that keen on her moving here. It's a bit rough,

get a lot of geezers, lads.

They love fighting, they're the kind of lads...

You've seen these lads on a night out that don't say

any actual words to each other. All night it's just, "Ay-ay, bey-uh!

"Ay-ayyy", like that.

I went on a stag do once - 48 hours, no-one said a word.

"Ay-oop, ay!" - It's like a language!

It's like Pingu, innit?

A whole generation of kids watched too much Pingu,

don't know any actual words!

"Ay-oop ub-ayyy ay!"

Me dad's like it. Me dad's a bit of an old-school Pingu lad, me dad.

He's always lived in south-east London, me dad.

Not always, he's not Highlander, just born there.

I like ringing home as well, cos you have mum chat and dad chat.

I rung home the other week, I was going to the Reading festival,

to do a gig there.

I spoke to Mum, classic mum chat - "Oh, what you doing there?

"What time you home? Who you with? "Da da da da da."

Told my dad I was going to Reading, he just went, "M25, M4?"

They love a route, dads, they love it. He don't even care

what I'm doing there. "What you doing there?" "I'm murdering prostitutes."

"As long as you're on time, son, don't care.

"I'll have a convict in our house but no-one who's late, yeah?"

And he tries... My dad was a lorry driver. Now he's a taxi driver.

He knows all the roads, I don't know any roads.

I got sat nav, I don't need to know roads. All I need to know is

wherever the blue arrow's going, I'm going with him, yeah?

Dead end? Sat nav says, sat nav goes!

He tries to give me routes and I have to pretend to know

the routes so I can feel like a proper son, like we're bonding.

He'll be like, "Yeah, what you want to do is take the lower road."

I didn't even know there was a higher road! What is this?

It's not Play Your Cards Right, Dad, I'm just trying to get to Reading!

He's like "Do a left, do a right, follow it round." What, the road?

Cheers for that, I was going to stay still on it!

He's giving me more directions - "Left, right, left,

"bey, bo, ayyy!

"Down the slope on your belly, you're in the igloo."

I was proper fat as a kid. I'll tell you this, right -

I was so fat as a toddler, I couldn't wear socks.

Not even joking.

The elastic in the sock cut off the circulation to my feet.

I had big, purple feet. Looked like I'd been dipped in Ribena!

I had to wear jellies for about four years!

The shoes, not dessert - that's not going to help anyone.

Diet or stability-wise.

I remember at school, I was still fat when I was a teenager,

I had little glasses like the Milky Bar kid.

I thought I'd use this Milky Bar kid thing to get girls.

"Hello, girls, Milky Bars are on me."

They go, "No, they're in you, mate, that's the problem.

"Stop eating them, you'll be all right."

I think you want to be grown up too quick. Cos when you're a kid,

you want to be a grown-up but now it'd be quality being a kid.

Even being grounded, that was the worst thing as a kid,

that would come in handy now. If my girlfriend goes,

"Oh, we need to go to my friend from work's engagement party."

"Sorry, love, grounded, nothing I can do.

"You got a problem with it, take it up with Big Suze."

That's my mum. My mum's Big Suze. The reason we call her that is cos...

She's not fat or nothing but if you borrow money off her,

she writes it in a little black book like a loan shark.

Only reason she's here tonight is I owe her 100 quid.

But, as well, the worst thing that can be told...

When you're little, the worst thing your mum can say to you as a kid

if you're being naughty at a birthday party, your mum goes,

"You keep being naughty, I'm going to take you home, feed you,

"bath you and straight to bed!" You're like, "That is awful." Now?

Absolute quality!

You're going to drive me home, feed me,

albeit the bath's a bit weird, but put me to bed?

Chuck in a buggy, best night ever!

I like being a bit of a div. It's fun, innit? I can't change who I am.

Like, me ex-girlfriend didn't really like it, cos I'm a bit of a div.

I only recently found out that raisins used to be grapes.

I had no idea!

No-one tells you. It's not Raisin Grape Day at school, is it?

Some of you are finding out for the first time as well here.

I'm forgetful. Sometimes I go upstairs in me mum's house

get upstairs and go, "Absolutely no idea why I'm up here."

Me phone, don't need a wee.

Just sit down in the front room shell-shocked after.

Me not knowing about raisins and grapes, the worst one is me mum.

My mum didn't realise sea horses were real

until my dad took her to an aquarium.

She thought they were Walt Disney.

She had no idea. And she was like, "What is that in there?"

And you laugh, but what an amazing way to live your life.

It's like us getting to the zoo, seeing Winnie The Pooh and going,

"What is he doing in there?!

"And who's got his pants? You can't lock up a kid with him,

"this is mental!"

But I'm a bit of a div and I can't help it.

That's why it didn't really work with my ex-girlfriend.

This is the argument where I knew

it was never going to last with her, right?

I was in the front with her, I was a bit hungry. I said to her,

"I'm going to get myself a bowl of cereals. Do you want anything?"

She went, "It's cereal."

That's not how she spoke, but that's what it felt in me head.

She went, "It's cereal."

Which is correct. It's a singular, not a plural.

It's a bowl of cereal, not cereals.

It's ridiculous, cos there's loads in there, innit?

So, I thought, "I've had enough of this, I'm going to mess her up."

Not in a bad way!

She could probably take me, if I'm honest with you.

So, I thought, "Right, I'm going to mess her up." I went in the kitchen.

Got an empty bowl.

I put Coco Pops in it.

And Kellogg's Crunchy Nut.

That's a bowl of cereals there, guys.

If they get wise to it, do Coco Pops and Rice Krispies -

once the milk goes brown they can't tell.

They're stealth, yeah?

Bit of Solid Snake.

Anyway, I'm going back in the front room to have an argument

I cannot lose and I'm excited about this

because I've never won an argument about grammar before.

Apart from "Who's that bloke in Frasier?"

I'm going back in to have this argument and I can't lose

because of this little fella, the bowl of truth.

Right?

So, I go back in the front room all confident. I swagger into the room.

It's a small flat - I'm here.

She goes, "What you got there?"

I'm like, "Just a bowl of cereals.

"Cereals."

She went, "It's cereal."

I said, "I think you'll find...

"it's actually Coco Pops and Crunchy Nut.

"So, up yours!"

I like being silly, I can't help it, it's fun.

Me and one of my best mates, Tim, went on holiday.

He's gay, Tim. He bought a pack of gay playing cards,

blokes with their willies out, right?

Basically, what I'm trying to say is they're pornographic ones.

Not just gay people doing normal things.

The 7 of clubs ain't Gok Wan gardening, do you know what I mean?

These are full-on, right?

And we got them. Get some, it's the best prank you can do.

We shared a house with a few housemates

and we hid them in everyone's stuff.

It's the best thing you can do cos they keep appearing for ages.

And you can never explain having one gay naked playing card.

If you've got a pack you can have a game.

If you've got one, it's like you're sentimental over him.

So we hid them in everyone's stuff, it was brilliant. We put one

in my mate's coat pocket. He sold his coat on eBay, got a bit of feedback.

"The coat did arrive on time, just a cock in the pocket."

Put one in me mate's wallet. He's in Sainsbury's,

"Got a Nectar card?" "No, but I've got a flaccid penis if that helps."

Best one, my mate Jack had an umbrella - popped open like that.

We got ten cards, put them all in it - we all worked together.

"Jack, show them how your umbrella pops open"

Bang! Massive fountain of gay dick everywhere.

You've been lovely, I've been Rob Beckett.

Be lucky, I'll see you soon. Thank you very much.

Rob Beckett, ladies and gentlemen!

What a night it's been at Live At The Apollo. Well done to everyone.

Yeah, well done. You've seen Rob Beckett.

CHEERING

-Jimeoin!

-Jimeoin!

I've been Nina Conti. Thanks to all of you!

-Thank you very much, good night!

-Thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE