Episode 1 Live at the Electric

This programme contains strong language

-Wet floor side.

-Nothing's wet.

-Exactly, a little joke of mine.

Joe. Joe! Joe Wilkinson!

Too slow.

Fuse box for the lighting rig.

HE SQUEALS

Should be down, actually. Ow.

Rosie, the make-up lady.

She's sort of a mother figure.

HE PRETENDS TO GAG

-Think she saw that.

-Good. She's fit.

Next time I do that, do it with me. Could be like our thing.

-Gobos. Monitors. Familiar with these things?

-Yep.

-What's this?

-Er, I don't know.

It's just a fucking pencil, mate.

Has anyone, erm, seen my eyeliner?

-Oh, is it like a pencil?

-Yeah.

-The make-up lady had it.

-Why's she got it?

-Probably tarting herself up.

-What? That's not like her.

-I know, what a bitch.

Still, though.

HE PRETENDS TO GAG

What the F, guys, that is well sexist, yeah?

-Well done, mate. That tanked.

-That's hardly fair, you told me to do it.

Buckle up, Dorothy. Kansas is going bye-bye.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. Welcome.

This is Live At The Electric.

My name is Russell Kane, and I'm the third Russell of comedy.

The one whose hair's got more volume than a pensioner's telly, yeah?

It's got more volume than your telly!

-LAUGHTER

-Some of you are thinking, "Russ, totes,

"what is Live At The Electric?" Good question. Tell you what it is.

It's sketches and characters that will blow your mind,

introduced by me, yeah. The stand-up,

the lube preparing you for full comedy entry,

over and over again. Yeah.

By the time we finish our relentless pounding,

there won't be a single comedy orifice on your body

that's not dripping with the DNA of mirth. That's right!

I've been loading up my laughter gun with Onken yoghurt,

Papa got some whole-grain in da house tonight!

LAUGHTER

I'm talking about yoghurt. You're making it spunk in your mind!

You may be wondering why I introduced myself so formally.

It's because I look so horrifically different.

Every time I appear on TV, you must be thinking, what's wrong with him?

Has he taken a fashion pill that's turned him into a total wanker?

Or is has his personal life fallen apart?

I tell you what happened, I found myself single

for the first time, by the way.

And I am straight, just to make that clear for some of you.

I've now... I know all the people at home and people in the room,

all the older men have gone, "Thank God.

"Because I'm not homophobic. But before, when I laughed,

"it was like you were entering me. No disrespect."

If you type my name into Google,

the most predictive word should, at very least, be "comedian", or "TV".

Do you know what it is? "Gay."

"Russell Kane, gay." Next one, "topless." Gay and topless!

What am I doing? Then I realised it's how I move and speak.

I can't help it, I love moving like this.

Yeah.

Some of the boys in the room are going, "Yeah, I don't care.

"A proper man should be a man.

"Do you think you can do all that gender politics,

"and cover up you're not a proper man?" You're wrong, gentlemen.

There are two competing types of masculinity.

Are there not, ladies? There is, I'm not denying it.

Maybe you more mature ladies, "I'm sorry, I do like a man to be a man.

"It's old-fashioned, but I like a man who's big, can protect you,

"can do things around the house, step in, if there's trouble.

"It's old-fashioned, but I like it, I'm sorry."

That's fine, ladies, no-one's trying to take that away from you. No-one.

But, thank God there's another type of masculinity coming through.

I can see some of my One Direction band mates in the room tonight!

LAUGHTER

You all know the second type of masculinity.

Girls that like helpless, thin idiots, like me.

Thank you for that rule, God.

LAUGHTER

Some women that are mums will know that's what the girls like.

"Mum, he's so vulnerable, he even cries at Dog Whisperer.

"I think I love him."

LAUGHTER

"He looks like the vampire one,

"but he's got the Wolf one's colouring. I can't explain it.

LAUGHTER

-HE PRETENDS TO SOB

-Convert me, Bella.

LAUGHTER

We do.

How many of these slightly younger heterosexual whippets in the room

have cottoned on to this, and now play up to it?

"Oh, my God, I might be gay, that's why I'm doing stand-up about it.

"Come over, we can talk about it. Hooray.

"Let's do these Sambuca shots in this well locked room

"and discuss how camp I am. Hooray.

"I'm just so vulnerable. Suck me off! I'm sorry, I'm just so sorry!

LAUGHTER

Time now for our first piece of comedy,

that's been cultured off-site, in one of our bizarre laboratories.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Wit Tank!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, I must say, Mr Fitzgerald,

considering the rigorous nature of this interview process,

I think both of us have been very impressed.

Thank you. I'm just very grateful for the opportunity.

Obviously, we can't promise anything definite at this stage,

but we would both like to reiterate that we were very impressed.

Thank you.

So.

You'll be hearing from us shortly.

It's not mine.

APPLAUSE

Thanks, we'll speak to number 33.

Hello, trouble! Ha-ha.

Hey ya, Ben!

I've got your nose!

I've got your nose!

I've got your...

THE BOYS SCREAMS

HE WAILS

I think I'll leave that with you.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time now to welcome to the stage

Joe Wilkinson and Diane Morgan or, as you'll soon know them,

Two Episodes Of Mash!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

All right?

How are you doing, all right?

-Erm. I'm Joe, she's Diane.

-Hello.

-Erm.

This is our bit.

Hope you like it.

Could be, could be awkward.

SHE MUMBLES INAUDIBLY

Erm.

Diane likes to have it made clear at the start that we're not going out.

LAUGHTER

Otherwise she won't do the show. Er.

-Happy?

-Yeah.

Er, so, yeah,

shall we get on with it? Erm.

Oh, yeah, I should point out at this point that

our sketches don't really have ends.

They're just going to sort of peter off.

So if you're wondering where our sketch is going, it's not.

Hi, Joe, what are you up to?

Oh, hi, Diane, I'm just waiting for my Peregrine falcon to come back.

LAUGHTER

It's been gone a few hours, actually.

-HIS VOICE QUIVERS

-I'm really starting to worry.

Has he ran off before?

-HE SOBS

-I'm sorry, no, he hasn't.

Oh, God. Have you called the police?

Of course I've called the police!

But they said a Peregrine falcon has to be missing a decade.

Before they put out an APB. I don't even know what an APB is.

-What have I done to deserve this?

-Come on, Joe.

You haven't done anything wrong. You can't blame yourself.

It's not your fault.

I did fuck it once.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Right, that's different.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-That's disgusting, I'm glad...

-Oh, look, there he is.

-Where?

-By that chandelier, look.

-Oh, yeah.

-It looks like he's been crying.

-Yeah, he would have been, yeah.

Come down here, boy, let's get you out of those wet clothes.

That's it, it just sort of peters off.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHANTING Let's play fucking netball!

Na na-na na! Wa-hey! Na na-na na! Wey!

Where did you go last night? You fucking mental. Hey!

Got shagged, didn't I?

THEY CHEER

Girls on tour!

-Fit.

-Fit as fuck, mate.

-Where did you pick him up, in that club?

-Nah, outside.

He couldn't get in. Under age.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

-How old?

-16.

Just legal. He was gagging for it.

Look what I kept?

THEY HOWL

THEY CHANT Oohh! Sam, Sam, the shagger.

Sam, Sam, the shagger.

Sam, the shagger, Sam, Sam, the shagger!

Ah. Who the fuck has put a tampon in my pint?

THEY SCREAM

Hey! Girls on tour!

I'm not having that, get me another one, mate.

Yeah, yeah, and give the barman one from me

while you're at it, wa-hey!

I'm gonna piss in her pint.

Not again.

That's right.

Anyone copping off tonight, then?

-You got your eye on Larry with the big fingers, haven't you?

-Yep.

I might take him off your hands, actually.

If he fancies a bit of rough, yeah.

SHE LAUGHS

Fuck off!

He fancies my massive boobs! Wa-hey!

What are you talking about? That's padding. You're faking it.

It's not what your dad said last night! Oh, yeah!

Oh yeah, right in the fanny!

SHE GRUNTS

-What the fuck's going on here? Fucking lesbians or summat?

-Fuck off.

-I'm not a lesbian.

-I'm not a lesbian.

Here. Take this. Cheers.

Wa-hey!

Whoar! Sarah's pissed in it!

THEY SCREAM

THEY CHANT Girls on tour!

THEY SCREAM

THEY CHANT Sarah's got her minge out! Sarah's got her minge out!

Na na-na na! Whoa!

CHEERING

MUSIC: "The Star-Spangled Banner"

Hello, Britain. This is Hari Kondabolu, and I'm an American.

Today, I will be discussing British things I don't understand.

Of all things to take from America, you took sleazy daytime TV?

How about a healthier attitude towards alcohol?

A general mistrust of anyone wearing a crown?

A single tap for hot and cold water,

as opposed to your impractical two-tap system,

which never leads to a satisfying hand-washing experience?

Hey, Britain, let's not wash our hands. Let's just repeatedly freeze.

Then burn them. Freeze. Then burn them.

Why?

Why do you Brits like pies so much?

When Indian people want to make food more interesting,

they add spices to it and they make it delicious.

You simply take food, and put a pastry hat on it.

Jeremy Clarkson.

No real joke here.

I just don't like cars enough to justify casual racism.

Guy Fawkes night.

You light a bonfire every night to celebrate a failed terrorist?

What are you, gonna light fireworks every four years

when England loses another soccer World Cup?

Yeah, that's right.

I said soccer.

I root for soccer.

Soccer, soccer, soccer!

Soccer! Soccer! Soccer!

You know what?

On second thoughts, you can keep the bonfire.

As long as you burn Jeremy Clarkson.

Good night, Britain.

APPLAUSE

Coming up for the second time, it's Two Episodes Of Mash!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I, I, I'm going to walk off, for this one. Add a bit of drama.

LAUGHTER

Hi! I just moved in upstairs,

and I was wondering if I could borrow a cup of gherkins?

This is a bungalow.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yeah, yeah, I know, I broke into your loft. Erm.

Give me the fucking gherkins!

That's how we end, that's it. So, sorry.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-What are you doing?

-It's just my insurance form.

Your name's Tom? That's my name.

I know. It's gonna be a bit confusing.

It's gonna be a bit hilarious.

People are going to be like, "You're both called Tom? 0h?

"You guys must be best friends."

Yeah.

-What did you put for medical stuff?

-It's meant to be confidential.

IN A GEEKY VOICE It's meant to be confidential.

Translation: I've got an embarrassing disease, like testicular cancer.

-Why's that embarrassing?

-Because you have to show the doctor your balls.

-Have you never done that?

-Er, no.

Urgh. They're really lumpy.

Very edgy signature, dude.

That's the date.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, the next item is what happens if you cross something like The Wire

with the original comedy mind of Humphrey Ker.

I give you The Van.

APPLAUSE

"We sell ice cream, or we die."

"It's as simple as that."

-VOICEOVER:

-Previously, on The Van.

HE SOBS I'll play ice cream van.

Just like we always wanted. We'll sell ice cream.

So much of it.

-Claire. We mustn't. What if she wakes up?

-Shush.

It's been 11 years, Mark.

She's not waking up.

Oh, God.

And we both have needs.

MONOTONE BEEPING FROM MACHINE

If Mark knew you were pulling this shit.

Please. Don't tell him, Dale.

What's in it for me?

How am I supposed to go on selling ice cream after this?

It's what your dead wife would have wanted.

-Mark, quickly, the Feests.

-What about them?

-They're past their sell-by date.

-How many?

All of them.

You told me these were legit!

2,000 Feests, for 20 quid?

You knew what you were getting into.

-I'll kill you!

-No! Stop it!

Do it! Do it!

Mark!

I'm pregnant.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Brilliant. So who's here in couples tonight, give me a cheer?

I don't want to come across like a sad, sorry case.

Does anyone else not find it tiring, the falling in love stage?

It's fine, two or three times.

But once you fall in love four or five times, it gets a bit boring.

Over and over again. That stressful bit at the beginning.

Pretending you're well matched to each other.

Two lying bits of Tetris coming towards...

"We are perfect matches, we've been going at six weeks.

"I'm a dog breeder." "I'm allergic to dogs." Ignore it, ignore it.

LAUGHTER

I know what it is when you're young.

Not particularly tiddly young,

but I'm talking like, even 17 to 21.

I think it's more stressful that stage.

Getting to the comfort stage.

You know where, for example,

when you're too shy to even poo at a new girlfriend or boyfriend's house.

Is there anything worse than denying that most basic body function?

"There's no poo in me, just Baudelaire and Beaujolais, look!

"I don't even have a bum hole, I've evolved it away."

LAUGHTER

"Here's a diamond where my rectum should be, my love."

HE SINGS OPERATICALLY

Yeah. I think I'm going home.

-HE GRUNTS FRUSTRATEDLY

-Two days is enough.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Don't tickle me.

APPLAUSE

There's one thing I never want to see in a relationship, Ls and Gs.

All right. And, I know there's couples in the room who do it.

Do you know what, if you do do this, go home from this room.

If you watching this at home, leave, go upstairs now.

Go online and dissolve your marriage instantly.

And that's where one of you's in the bath.

And that's fine to be in the bath with the door open, why not?

"I'm in the bath. Door's open.

"You're chopping onions. Different states but connected."

Random. I just love it.

That's fine.

That's nice, when you can see someone while you're there.

But, if one of you walks into the bathroom, boy or girl, no sexism,

I'm post-modern, remember.

If one of you walks into the bathroom, continuing that conversation,

and quite openly sits down on the toilet,

and has a poo. Right?

You have lost your way, and your love is dead forever, yeah?

Dead!

If a girl did that to me.

I'm straight, remember. I know, just keep your head around it.

LAUGHTER

If a girl did that to me and I was in the bath,

I wouldn't even pack my stuff.

I'd run down the street with bubble bath on my knob, going...

HE SCREAMS

-I don't want to see it.

-APPLAUSE

I never want to see

the love of my life, the angel who sends a frisson down my spine,

doing a walnut whip while...

LAUGHTER

Especially if she did poo eyes. Can you imagine seeing her poo eyes?

-HE GRUNTS

-"It's quite...

stressful at the moment.

-HE GRUNTS

-The office is put under... a lot of pressure.

-HE GRUNTS

-There's a real strain in the recession.

No. No.

APPLAUSE

Oh, ladies and gentlemen.

I might have actually done a turtle there.

LAUGHTER

What a lovely audience you are.

It's time to reward you with the lovely.

Something like this.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

"There's nothing worse than finding out what I'll alibi means.

"After your friend's been executed."

"We were playing table tennis on the 14th, but...

"I didn't think it was important."

APPLAUSE

Joe Wilkinson there, ladies and gentlemen. How about that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There's F loads more content at...

But, what would be the point of all this comedic thrusting

if we couldn't be bespatter you with a musical climax?

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to blink in the viscous talent

that is the one, the only,

Nick Helm!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

HE SHOUTS Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

LAUGHTER

Are you all right?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

Louder, are you all right?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Louder, are you all right?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!!

Let's kick this in the dick!

LAUGHTER

I got to get my guitar.

What?

Who here's in a relationship?

AUDIENCE WHOOPS QUIETLY

Who here's in a fucking relationship? I'm not going to follow you home!

Who here's in a relationship?

CHEERING

Yeah? Fuck you!

This is a song. Um.

This is a song.

GUITAR INTRO

# I've seen your new boyfriend He's really good-looking.

# If he was a rent boy I'd probably book him

# Not that I'm really into that stuff

# I'm just saying Your boyfriend's incredibly buff

# He's got a really nice face Really nice hair

# He's really polite And he's really aware

# He's got really nice teeth A really nice tan

He's really relaxed when the shit hits the fan. #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

No.

# But he makes you look fat!

# He makes you look ugly, like a man

# He makes you look old Just like his nan

# Yeah, he makes you look fat!

# He makes you look fat

# He makes you look lardy round the arse

# Don't you know that He's in a different class

# Yeah, he makes you look fat!

# You two together What's wrong with this picture?

# You need a man Whose waistline will eclipse you

# You need a man Who's a little more shoddy

# A gap in his teeth And an imperfect body. #

LAUGHTER

Good evening.

APPLAUSE

It's going to take all fucking night if you keep doing that.

# It's nothing you've done You've just shot far too high

# You get ignored While they give him the eye

# Don't get me wrong I'm not saying you're fat

# It's just anyone'd look fat When they're sat next to that. #

LAUGHTER

We're all thinking it.

Don't shoot the messenger.

# Yeah, he makes you look fat!

# He makes you look ugly In your face

# Don't you know that You're looking out of place,

# Yeah, he makes you look fat

# He makes you look fat

# He makes you look fat Oh, yes, indeed

# Don't you know that he's well out of your league

# Yeah, he makes you look fat

# I've got a solution You might like to try it

# You won't have to jog And you won't have to diet

# I'm sure you will see To a certain degree

# How good-looking you'd be If you stood... #

LAUGHTER

-LONE VOICE:

-Next to me.

Next to me!

Couldn't get you to fucking shut up two seconds ago!

Why, when I needed you? Nowhere to be seen!

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

Next to me.

# I can make you look fit

# I can make you look much fitter than him

# Take a look at my saggy dump old chin

# I can make you look fit

# I can make you look fit

# I can make you look fit Oh, yes, I can

# Don't you know that I am your ideal man

# I can make you look in fit, fit

# Fit, fit, fit! #

That's the song, that's it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations, you made it through your first day.

There's just one more thing.

The initiation.

What do I have to do?

Get your cock out.

Really?

-Hm. No.

-Right.

Well, listen, I was thinking of going for a drink,

-do you want to come?

-Oh, my God, it sounds amazing.

Er, but you know, Russell?

Russell Kane. The guy who hosts the show, pretty much...

Yeah, I was nodding.

Well, er, it's a little bit embarrassing.

But, erm,

we get on pretty well. And I said I'd do him a favour,

-walk his dog when we were done.

-Hey. Erm.

A few of us are going for a beer, want to come along?

-Oh, yeah, cheers. Awesome.

-You don't mind looking after Colin.

-It's Tim, isn't it?

-Tom.

Here we are. There's some bags for the shit.

It's quite watery, I've left some in there. So just give it...

You might need to mop it or something. Let's go get drunk!

HE LAUGHS Right, cheers.

There's this great bar...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd