Episode 2 Live at the Electric

This programme contains some strong language and contains adult humour

Remember what I said, if you have any trouble on the door,

just do that funny voice I always do.

COCKNEY ACCENT: If your name's not on the list, mate, you ain't comin' in!

HE LAUGHS

But your friend can come in. Oh, she's well fit!

The first one was funnier.

Agreed. OK, I love you.

Can we add someone to the guest list, please?

I'm afraid that for crew it is only family and loved ones.

It's my girlfriend.

-Do you love her?

-Can she be on the list?

Yeah, sure, fine. But remember, you have to check her ID

-and you have to check her for drugs.

-She's not going to have any drugs.

But if she does, make sure to deposit them in the evidence box.

-Really?

-No, tell security.

Oh, and - word of advice,

do not leave her unattended around any of the male comedians.

It's like a red rag to a bull.

She's getting here late so she'll probably just see me and you.

Like I said...

ANY of the male comedians.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello!

Hello, good evening and welcome.

This is Live At The Electric, I am Russell Kane, one of those comedians

with a massive amount of external confidence

and virtually zero self-esteem.

Which means I run around thrusting unnecessarily for half an hour

and finish the evening sobbing in a Travelodge, yeah?

# Rocking back and forth in a Travelodge on my own.

# Looks fun, looks like I've got a fun life,

# but actually quite lonely in reality. Very sad, please help me! #

Nah.

What can we expect from tonight? Yes, there's stand-up from moi.

But there's also an army

of freakishly talented sketch and character comedians.

Let me put it to you in these terms, yeah.

If this show was a milking machine,

it would be pumping the teats of comedy with such adolescent fervour.

It would rip the udders from mirth itself,

spilling gloopy double cream into your waiting, laughing mouths, yeah?

What I'm actually saying is, I didn't have a wank before the show.

LAUGHTER

# Rocking back and forth in a Travelodge... #

So those of you following the narrative arc

of this wonderful series will know I've,

more or less for the first time in my life,

been messing around with the dating game. It's not been that successful.

I came out of a long-term relationship, I was heartbroken.

The correct thing to do is what?

Is to be single for a bit, to not do anything, yeah?

But I decided, because I'm a man with a pathetic ego,

I wanted to go on a date with the type of girl who was totally unsuitable for me.

So I went out on a date with a glamour model, right?

Nothing wrong with her, she was lovely, super confident,

but look at the frickin' state of me, right.

And we've walked in at the posh hotel that I've been put up in,

and this where my bottle's gone.

She's closed the door over my head like this.

"Ready?" Like that. "Let's not waste time."

And she ran off. Now can I just preface this?

I don't want to ruin it for all the gentlemen watching.

Sexual confidence, highly alluring 90% of the time to most men.

Forwardness, wonderful. A massive turn-on.

Unless you're in a bad emotional state.

And she's run through the hotel room taking off all her clothes

straight away and switching lights on at the same time, right?

Every time something came off, a light went on.

"Come on, we're wasting time."

And I'm thinking, "Under here,

"I've got the body of Harry Potter from The Chamber Of Secrets," right.

Azkaban if I do some, like, push-ups.

And I'm thinking, "Shit, I don't want to..."

I'm turning the lamps down,

"Maybe I'll leave my scoop-neck on a while longer, my love, tease you."

"Maybe my areola will come out, or maybe it won't."

She did that thing. I'm not dissing it, girls, I love it normally.

But she did that thing,

you know if a girl's signalling sudden sexual readiness, like that?

"Enough laughter.

"Enough jokes. I know you're a comedian, but that is enough.

"It's time to move on to more serious...

"matters."

"What, like your vitamin D deficiency?

"What's wrong with your legs?!"

-APPLAUSE

-"I hope you like rickets."

And she's taken...

She's slipped my pants off as well, and that's horrible.

I don't want to put that image in your mind.

I'm in the only position

a naked man can adopt when he doesn't want to be naked that way.

Like a...

Like a thin Terminator.

And she's walked away from me going,

"I know, we'll get this Nissan Micra started." Er, Ferrari...

LAUGHTER

She's gone to the fridge, taken out a bottle of Champagne,

kicked it shut, come to me and at this point,

I'm in this position, on the floor.

And she's stood in front of me naked in star position, like this.

Held a bottle of Champagne,

popped it and gone, "Have you ever done this before?"

And it was a weird sight close-up. I mean, she was a model.

She'd waxed every follicle from her body.

Do you know what it looked like?

Like someone had murdered Pac-Man with a hammer.

That's what it looked like.

I'm sorry to put that image in your head.

MIMICS PAC-MAN TUNE

"Leave him alone, you wanker!"

Do you know what she wanted to do? She wanted to drink Champagne

and then dribble it into my mouth. That's what she wanted to do.

MIMICS DRIBBLING

What's wrong with that? It's a good bit of foreplay.

It could have been worse,

it could have been the crisps from the minibar.

APPLAUSE

I've got no explanation for why I managed to muddle up

two of the most basic body functions next.

So basic that a newborn baby in a swimming pool

does not muddle them up.

Yeah, you've guessed it. They are swallowing and breathing in, right?

And I did it extra hard.

Now, only those of you that've got into trouble in a swimming pool

or a sea will know I am not exaggerating the violence

of what happened next.

"Are you ready?" I was like, "Oh, yeah.

"I'm shielding the rager from your view, my love."

LAUGHTER

-"Are you ready?"

-MIMICS SPITTING

And I went like this and breathed in! I went down...

MIMICS CHOKING

Have you got any idea...

Have you got any idea how badly you choke? Who's ever nearly drowned?

It's like, "Argh! Oh, argh!"

She was standing there crying and screaming with, like...

She thought I was having a fit or something.

What must I look like?

I'm a thin bloke, my inner bum must have been bulging.

It must have been.

SPLUTTERING

You know like when those trolls, where the eyes used to go like that?

No girl should ever see that view, should they?

I think we should have a look at some real talent. WitTank!

CHEERING

So, dear friends, to another fine evening with three foolish fellows.

-A toast to friendship.

-And ale!

LAUGHTER

-Alas, I must away.

-Good, my lord. I beseech you, stay.

-There's glasses for the drinking.

-Enough!

-Thou rogue!

Come, dear friends. No more words of it.

Then let us to the chambers of our hostess. Tis time to make merry.

Fair thee well.

Fair thee well.

I have of late, but wherefore I know not,

lost all mirth and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition

that this goodly frame, this brave, hanging firmament,

seems to me no other thing than a foul and pestilent

congregation of vapours.

Oh, what a piece of work is a man!

The beauty of the world, and yet, to me...

What is this quintessence of dust?

'Mike!'

BELL RINGS

You all right, mate?

You have no idea...

what's going on.

What?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, let's just go through this again.

You were cleaning your teeth...

I was going upstairs to clean my teeth, yeah.

And then there was a power cut?

Everything went off in the house.

-So you couldn't see what you were...?

-I couldn't see a thing.

And so you fucked my sister?!

Yeah, that's... That's, er...

Surely you can see why I'm struggling to...

I mean, what... What you have... It was so...

I couldn't tell where the toothbrush ended

and your sister began.

-Why were you erect?

-I just really like cleaning my teeth.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Why is there a shit in my shoe?

OK, I cannot impress upon you enough

how dark it was.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Awesome.

I know what you need in your life,

and it's the same as what I need in my life right now.

And that's Two Episodes Of Mash!

APPLAUSE

Hello.

So...

LAUGHTER

-I'm Joe, this is Diane.

-Hello.

This is our bit.

CHEERING

Don't get your hopes up.

Erm, Why's...

Why's there a picture of pensioner's feet?

It's for the third sketch.

We're only doing two sketches.

Oh.

Sorry.

LAUGHTER

-Do the first one, then?

-Yeah.

-(Fuck's sake.)

LAUGHTER

First one.

LAUGHTER

-You got it?

-Yeah, I've got it.

-Got the money?

-Yeah, I've got the money.

-Here, here!

Here you go.

LAUGHTER

-What's this?

-It's a sawn-off, like you asked for.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, no. I wanted the other end.

LAUGHTER

You know, the end with the gun.

Yeah, that makes more sense.

LAUGHTER

Probably why I got it so cheap.

That's it, that's it.

APPLAUSE

OK, just get here when you can. All right. Love you. Bye.

So, this girlfriend of yours. Is she like a friend who is a girl

or is she like your "girlfriend" girlfriend?

-She's my girlfriend.

-Nice work, dude!

So, dish all the dirt!

-Are her armpits fully shaven?

-Yeah.

Ho! What kind of positions you guys into?

Well, actually, Stacey, if you must know, is a virgin.

-There's nothing funny about that. I just decided to wait.

-For what?

For her to have sex with me. What about you, dating anyone?

-Are you serious?

-Yeah.

Then the guys haven't told you.

Erm... I am a sex addict, dude.

-Oh, no.

-It's tough, but I'm making progress.

I haven't had sex in five years.

-Yeah, how many people did you sleep with before?

-One.

But it was like all the time, and some pretty funky shit.

You know, like watersports?

-Yeah.

-Have you heard of banana boating?

-God, no. What's that?

It's when you get towed behind a speedboat on an inflatable banana.

We did that and then,

directly after, had sex.

Missionary!

Right. What was her name?

-Stacey, same as yours. Maybe they're the same girl.

-Yeah, I doubt it.

Well, you'll be lucky.

This girl had the biggest boobies I have ever seen.

And as if that wasn't enough,

an even bigger pussy. I'm talking...

MAKES EXPLOSIVE NOISES

APPLAUSE

Second one. I'll take me shoe off.

(Fucking hell!)

LAUGHTER

Excuse me, do you cut keys?

-Yeah, yeah. We do, yeah.

-Could I get a key cut to look like me?

LAUGHTER

-Erm, is...?

-You'd really be helping me out.

-Er, all right. I'll give it a go.

-Thank you.

Pop yourself down there.

A key to look like you.

Erm...

HE MUTTERS

LAUGHTER

MECHANICAL GRINDING

LAUGHTER

Up a bit. That's it, stay there.

LAUGHTER

MECHANICAL GRINDING

-There you go. Just give us a quid or something.

-Right.

Oh.

It doesn't really look much like me, does it?

No.

We're quite limited on what we can do with these key-cutting machines.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's no way I'm signing off on these figures.

-They're appalling.

-I agree.

But I'm having problems with the German investor.

Well, I'm afraid that the Portuguese won't wait.

Sarah, get me the file.

And I've told you that skirt is totally unacceptable.

Sorry!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Time now for our drama.

It's more hard-hitting than an angry parent.

It is, of course, The Van.

APPLAUSE

I swore to Jenny before she died that we'd operate an ice cream van.

So, my god, that's what we're going to do.

'Previously, on The Van.'

I want more responsibility.

There's more to my game than restocking Mini Milks

and cleaning the Whippy nozzle.

-I want to believe you, Dan.

-So, believe!

-I just want him to respect me.

-Respect is earned, not given.

You want to party?

-I don't do that shit.

-Your loss, muchacho - this is some primo stuff.

'You shouldn't be so harsh on him.'

-'He's a loose cannon.'

-Sounds like a young man I used to know.

And that young man was you... when you were younger.

-£1.40.

-Don't know why you call it a 99, you should call it a 140.

Can I have an extra flake, please?

Dughhh!

Yeah, I'm going to need some more of that stuff.

-I thought you didn't do this shit.

-Give it to me.

Do you smell that?

-Daniel!

-He died as he lived - smoking drugs and on fire.

Wonderful stuff, wonderful.

Now, it's such a shame that comedy shows can't be longer.

I only apologise but we all know that is mainly due to men.

Men drive stand-up comedy in the UK.

Oh, no, it's not a sexist thing, it's just purely due

to the pathetic capacity of the male bladder.

That anything past about five minutes and a man stops laughing.

Girls saying to men, "I thought you liked him? You haven't laughed."

"I haven't heard a single word.

"I said, I am absolutely breaking my neck for a piss".

Do you know what my dad used to say? "My back teeth are floating, boy.

"My back teeth are absolutely fucking floating."

"Yeah, end the show, end it.

"I don't care how the spiky-haired little shit...

"Just end it now, I need a slash.

"Cos I've had one thimble of Kronenbourg and I'm a man,

"I'm so.... I need to do one." Not the ladies.

"We're strong. Continue, jester, for hours, hooray.

"We've had five pints of wine

"but our bladders are strong for pregnancy. Continue, hurrah."

They'll just do one power-piss at the end.

Tfffff!

Tfffff!

"I'll crack the pan in half, Jemima." Vvvvooom!

And now I think it's time for you-know-who - it's Jigsaw!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I was like, yeah, I know it's a VIP area, that's why I'M in it.

And then I was like, do you know who I am? 15-Love Piers.

I have so many babes, mate, so many babes. Draped in fanny. Literally.

No...no, not literally. Anyway, mates before muff.

-You're out with your mates, out with your mates.

-Excuse me?

-Sorry to interrupt you.

-Giles, incoming.

-Sorry, you must get this all the time.

-Yeah!

-Are you...

-Yeah.

-Y-you are, you...

-Yeah.

-Are you...are you a bell-end?

LAUGHTER

Oh, I thought so. Thought so.

APPLAUSE

'Winning on a scratchcard is always cause for celebration...'

'..unless you work as an undertaker.'

EXCITED GRUNTS

'I explained that I was sorry for their loss

'but on the plus side, I had just won £40.'

Joe Wilkinson there, how good was that?

Folks, maybe you're looking at your watches, panicking.

The show's almost over

and some of you want to sob over your loneliness in the toilet.

Well, don't. Head to:

for loads more content.

Now, we've already filled your Subway bun

with my little bits of stand-up, the salami of sketch and character,

but it's time to squirt the liquidy chilli cheese sauce of music

straight into your meaty flapping tongues.

What I'm saying is I didn't have a wank before the show.

No. What I'm really saying is it's the one, the only Nick Helm.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, cocksuckers!

And gentlemen! You all right?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Then let's fuck it in the bucket!

I had a dream and that dream was a song.

It was the most amazing song I'd ever heard in my entire life

so I woke up in the morning and wrote it down, I phoned all my friends

and said, "Have you ever heard this song before?"

They said, "Yeah, of course we have, it's Yesterday by Paul McCartney."

So I have written an entirely different song.

GUITAR PLAYS

# Let's get married in the springtime

# In the sunshine Let's get married

# Let's get married in the daylight

# When the time's right Let's get married

# You can wear your hair up like a halo round your head

# I can say I love you till the day that I am dead

# Let's get married in the springtime

# Let's get married, oh-oh

DRUMBEAT STARTS

# Let's get naked in the night-time

# When you've got time Let's get naked

# Let's get naked Take our clothes off and my socks off

# Let's get naked

-# I can say you're beautiful and that you are the one

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# You can say you don't like anything I've ever done

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Let's get naked in the night-time Let's get naked, oh-ho

# Let's have babies when the time's right

# When we're settled Let's have babies

# Let's have babies Oh, you're pregnant

# We're not settled Let's have babies

-# You can be the mummy and I can be the dad

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# I'll even let you smack them every time that they are bad

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# Let's have babies when the time's right

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# Let's have babies, oh-oh

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Let's get hammered in the moonlight

# Have a big fight Let's get hammered

# Let's get hammered

# Have a night off from the babies Let's get hammered

-# We'll get a babysitter and won't come back till half ten

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# We'll have another fight and I'll be sleeping in the den

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# Let's get hammered in the moonlight

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Let's get hammered, oh-oh

# Let's go dogging in a car park in the suburbs

# Let's go dogging Let's go dogging

# We can have fun through the tears Let's go dogging

-# I can stare directly into your eyes when you come

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# You can watch me gently finger Ian in the bum

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# Let's go dogging in a car park

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# Let's go dogging, oh-oh

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Let's get married in the morning

# With an awning Let's get married

# Let's get married in the sunlight when the time's right

# Let's get married

-# You can say I am your one and only truest love

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# You can have a buffet with a marquee up above

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# I can be your husband and you can be my wife

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# I'll tell you that I love you every second of your life

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# I can be your Tarzan and you can be my Jane

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# I'll do my best to please you so you won't fucking complain

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# Let's get married every daytime

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# Let's get married in the springtime

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

-# Let's get married if you've got time

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

# Let's get married. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How you doin'?

-Is that Joey from Friends?

-No, I just made it up.

-Looking very sharp tonight.

-Thank you.

Um, listen, sorry about laughing about the whole virgin thing.

HE SNIGGERS

Yeah, I'm sorry about not believing about your ex.

-You didn't believe me?

-Yeah, I'm still not sure I do.

-Hey, baby.

-Hiya, Stacey.

-Hi. The show was great, thanks so much for getting me in.

-Stacey, this is the guy I was...

-Tom! Oh, my God. This is so weird.

-Tom and I went out for a bit. We met on holiday, didn't we?

-Yes, we did.

Sorry, um...I'll let you guys...get on with it.

IMITATES GUNFIRE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd