Episode 3 Live at the Electric


Episode 3

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Fan mail in that one, good luck cards in that one and junk mail goes in...

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Michael Jordan! That one.

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A lot of stuff for Russell. Why don't they just send e-mails?

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-They do, it's called fan e-mail.

-Fanny mail! That's very funny.

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-Why is that funny? Have you been reading them?

-No, it's just fanny...

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Doesn't matter.

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This programme contains adult humour and strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello. Good evening.

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This is Live At The Electric. Welcome.

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WHOOPING AND CHEERING

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What are we going to get tonight? Inventive stand up from me

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and a Dragon's Den of character and sketch comedy

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from my troupe of obscenely talented performers.

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Who am I? I'm Russell Kane.

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-AS DUNCAN BANNATYNE

-And for that reason, I'm out.

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"But why did he just reference Dragon's Den?

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"It didn't relate to anything. He's brave. That explains his hair."

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"It's his hair that makes me want to smash his head in."

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"He's improvising. He's even doing our voices.

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"He's so post-modern. Orgasm. Orgasm."

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LAUGHTER

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Think of this show as a swingers party, yeah?

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Me, the sketch and character players like lusty suburban couples,

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dribbling onto the buckets of comedy keys,

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tumescently waiting for the random exchange of mirth to begin,

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then in the dark, so many jokes entering you from so many

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different angles that when the lights go on,

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your wife looks like a game of KerPlunk!

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"Gavin! Gavin!"

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LAUGHTER

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I'm sorry. I don't want complaints.

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"He's so nice, but why do you always have to refer to sex all the time?"

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Sorry, it's an important part of a young man's life,

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especially when you're not getting much of it!

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OK, so have we got any families in tonight? Over there.

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Mum, are you with any one? Is that your son over there?

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-What's your son's name?

-Danny.

-Danny.

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Why are you sitting apart? You're with your girlfriend?

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Separate, but together? "Don't sit near me, Mum!"

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"I want to be separate, I want my own space." Who is that?

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Is that your other son next to you? It's a friend, closer to the mum.

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That's dark, isn't it?

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What are you doing with the dirty washing bin?

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"Nothing! I was just helping your mum out!"

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LAUGHTER

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You know, it's tough living at home.

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People are now going to think I'm knocking Danny for a cheap joke.

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Every single man, every brother, feels your pain, Danny.

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You happen to be with your girlfriend,

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but we know the great famine that led up to that girl.

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The horrible wasteland aged between 13 and 21, it can go on for.

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Milking yourself into a skeleton in your bedroom.

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GROANS

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Your Popeye's forearm pumping away desperately. It's horrible.

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Have you got a lot on your door at home? What?

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All those of you watching, if you're aged 14 to 18,

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you're living at home, you've got no lock on your door, sort it out.

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If you haven't already had a white arsed get out,

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there is one coming your way.

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Do you know what a white arsed get out is?

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That is where, that's where you are in your room

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you haven't heard your mum knock due to the frantic pumping

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of your hand, your hand going so fast

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it actually travels through time.

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LAUGHTER

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Comes back in an Elizabethan glove.

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HE SCREAMS

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You haven't heard your mum knock.

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"Danny! Danny!"

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A white arsed get out is when there is no time for trousers,

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no time for pants, nothing.

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All you can do is spin your pale arse towards the door and go,

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"Get out! Now! Give me a minute!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It's called a white arsed get out.

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APPLAUSE

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That is one sport, Danny and Danny's mum,

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that I would definitely watch if they introduced it to the Olympics.

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The Olympic Mum knock.

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How awesome would that be?

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"Let's watch the replay of the American one.

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"It was a brilliant knock. She did the American lean.

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"It's a very American move. She came around the corner.

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"The head went in, the judges really liked that spin there,

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"from the American mum.

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"Let's just watch that.

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"The judges awarded extra points for the laughing walk off

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"which does of course scar deeply, laughing at the son's genitals.

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"Walking off, never to be referred to but always thought of.

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"Ten points for the American mum."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Time for the English mum, now. Danny's mum limbering up.

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It is known as the cocky pheasant, this warm up.

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See the English mum will go for the traditional fox-hunting lunge.

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-KNOCKING

-Danny.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Look at the lunge, did you see it?

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"Let's just have a quick look at Danny's reaction.

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"That is what the judges will be analysing. "Mum!"

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"But the extra points was for the falling down ejaculation."

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"Mum! Mum!

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"Mu-uh-um!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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And now, ladies and gentlemen,

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I think we should tail my wit with some more wit

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and that wit is WitTank.

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APPLAUSE

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COUGHING

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I completely fucked that up!

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LAUGHTER

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Hey.

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I know you're down at the moment.

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I know you feel like you're out of shape and unattractive.

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And I know you feel like it's not going to get any better.

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OK, bye!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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How excellent was that?

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Yeah, but now for something so excellent I'm feeling more aroused

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than Poirot's suspicion at a crime scene.

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Make some noise for Two Episodes Of Mash!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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LAUGHTER

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Hullo.

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-I'm Joe, this is Diane.

-Hello.

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LAUGHTER

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Why is there, why is there a big picture of your face?

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Because this is our bit of the show.

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-Well, why is there not a picture of me as well?

-Forgot about you.

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-Oh, for fu...

-LAUGHTER

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That has quite annoyed me, actually.

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Oh, Diane has to bring on a...

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..trolley.

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Should have probably done that beforehand, shouldn't we?

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Right, first one.

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It's been a really difficult year, you know.

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-My husband left me.

-Right.

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Which came as a bit of a shock, but now, you know,

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I'm at a stage where I'm able to deal with that

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-and my friends and family have been great.

-Oh, ah...

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They've, they've really rallied around.

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Mm, heh... Ah!

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LAUGHTER

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-He still gets to see the kids.

-Mm.

-Which I suppose is a godsend.

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Hmm.

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But you know, I have been in and out of hospital for most of the year.

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-(LOUDLY)

-Ah! Huh!

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With my asthma and blood pressure and...

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-Cor, cor.

-HE GIGGLES

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I just feel like the worry is just making me ill now, you know.

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I just feel really, I just feel a bit depressed.

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HE WHINES

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And to top it all off, my grandmother died.

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HE GIGGLES

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And I can't see the point, any more.

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I really, really can't, can't see the point.

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OK, let's see what you've brought.

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Brought some scallops, some red peppers and a courgette.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It's just a play on words because fan e-mail sounds like fanny mail.

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-Fucking hell!

-It's not that good.

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Look at this.

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"Dear Russell, meet little Jackie. See you soon, we'll be watching.

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"Love Jenny." So what?

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Secret love child. Blackmail, my friend.

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-Where's the blackmail letter?

-She probably e-mailed it.

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-Black e-mail. I suppose that's funny, too?

-No. Sorry.

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How are we so sure this is his secret love child?

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Of course it's Russell's. Look at its face.

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Maybe it looks like him because it's his nephew.

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Yeah, because he had sex with his sister(!)

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-No. What?

-We have to handle this.

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Part of our role is to protect the acts from this kind of thing.

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Joe Wilkinson's uncle died three weeks ago.

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-Thanks to me, he has no idea.

-JOE LAUGHS

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APPLAUSE

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Somewhere between hope and despair, there's ice-cream.

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Previously on The Van...

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I can't believe Dale's dead.

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Setting yourself on fire with a crack pipe will do that to a guy.

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-What about a replacement?

-No-one is going to work for 70p an hour.

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Dale only did it because I saved his life in Iraq.

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-You never talk about Iraq.

-Well I won't start now!

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-What are you doing here, Jimmy?

-What's the matter, sugartits?

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No kiss for me?

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Welcome aboard, Jimmy.

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You need to come and see this.

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Fuckers! Home-made ice-cream? Home-made?

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-We can't compete with that.

-This is bullshit!

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-Take it or leave it. We're all going to die.

-Ice-cream sucks dick.

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-We're only doing this to piss off Sophie's parents.

-I don't give a fuck about ice-cream.

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-What can we do about it?

-We could get rid of them. Permanently.

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Hey, little chicken. You want a flake in that?

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SHE SOBS

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What have you done?

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We need to make this look like an accident.

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-What we need to do is call the pol...

-What's going on?

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GUNSHOT

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LAUGHTER

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No going back now.

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APPLAUSE

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Wonderful stuff, wonderful.

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Now, there are some things that you need two of

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and one of those things you need two of is Two Episodes Of Mash!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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No deal.

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PHONE RINGS

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Are you sure?

-Yes, definitely. No deal.

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'Edmonds, you really are a gonad!

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'Stop being a prick and get on with it!'

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DIAL TONE

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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He likes you!

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-That, that, that is why he's offered you £16,000.

-Oh, wow!

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A lot of money, a lot of money.

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Would get you out of Bolton.

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-LAUGHTER

-A lot of money.

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Erm, no deal.

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-Shit!

-No deal! PHONE RINGS

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'You can't not be a bell end, can you Edmonds? You fat anus.

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'I'm going to smash your stupid, fat face in.'

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DIAL TONE

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He says you're playing a great game.

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That, that's why he's going to offer you, erm, £32,000.

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-32! Wow!

-LOT OF MONEY! Lot of money!

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That is a lot of money, yeah. Erm...

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HE WHIMPERS

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-£32,000.

-Take it, take it.

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-Not sure, not sure.

-Take it?

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I'm really not sure.

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Take it, pl...

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Yeah, no deal. No deal. Oh, for fuck...

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PHONE RINGS

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LAUGHTER

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Sure?

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-'You really are a total cu...'

-LAUGHTER

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Ah!

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-Oh, he really likes you!

-LAUGHTER

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That's why he's gonna offer you £100,000!

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TAKE IT! TAKE IT!

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£100,000! Well, yes! Deal! Definitely deal!

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APPLAUSE

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PHONE RINGS

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Are you gonna get that?

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I might just let it go to answer machine. That's it. Bye.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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If you're sure this is blackmail, we should call the police.

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You want to leave the 5-0 out of this in my experience, dog.

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What experience have you had with the police?

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My brother's a policeman and he can be really mean.

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Him and his friends used to kettle me.

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Right. So what's your plan?

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I am going to calmly explain to the blackmailer

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that Russell Kane and his family members will not be fucked with.

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You're not a family member.

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-"Dear..."

-I think her name's Jenny.

-"..bitch."

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"Get the abortion or get it in the neck. No love, Russell Kane."

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-Abortion?

-Too strong?

-Too late.

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Well, it will have to do.

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Time is of the essence. I'm going to go FedEx this bad boy.

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Hey. One of the Toms, isn't it? My sister's here with her new nephew.

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-I was wondering...

-Sorry, is she called Jenny?

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-Yeah, Jenny's here with my nephew.

-Can I tell Tom something?

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I really need you to look after my sister.

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It's a very small baby. Is that cool?

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-On it.

-Double guns.

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APPLAUSE

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Thanks for coming in, Laura.

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You sent a very impressive CV.

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We just wanted to get you in here

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and ask you a couple of questions in person.

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Personal questions!

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Of course, that's fine.

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OK, so how would you describe your leadership style?

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Laura? What's happened? Are you OK?

0:17:530:17:55

Oh! Oh, no, sorry.

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That's just my thinking face.

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LAUGHS

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-Sorry, I thought something awful had happened.

-No! Sorry.

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-Do you mind if I...

-Not at all.

-OK.

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LAUGHTER

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Is, is she all right, do you think?

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It's just her thinking face.

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-Is she all right?

-Quite all right.

0:18:290:18:33

Laura.

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Laura, have you finished thinking yet?

0:18:340:18:37

I think she's...

0:18:370:18:38

Laura!

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LEAVE HER! SHE'S THINKING!

0:18:400:18:43

-You're looking a lot better now, Laura.

-Good, thank you.

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-Just one more thing, are you allergic to any medicines.

-Erm...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:010:19:03

Lady Garden, there.

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Very like... I did a horn voice, there! That came out accidentally!

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-NASAL VOICE:

-"Hello!" That's my nerd voice.

0:19:100:19:12

That's the trouble if you're from Essex, right.

0:19:120:19:14

There's the natural accent, of course, of the Essex people.

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-ESSEX ACCENT:

-"They're in tonight, watching the show,

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"I'm not being funny, at the end of the day, I could turn around and say to you..."

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Face me in the first place.

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"I could turn around, I could turn around and say to you,

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"I'm not being funny, at the end of the day I don't mean that.

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"But that's not what I'm trying to say." What are you trying to say?

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But, of course, with someone like me, who's been to university,

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but comes from a chavvy background, we panic about our accent.

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Who are the working class people who are born into these accents,

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but wish they spoke like Surrey people.

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-SURREY ACCENT:

-"I believe our pheasant has turned, Bernard."

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LAUGHTER

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We want to speak like that, don't we, Essex people, Kent people, London people?

0:19:490:19:54

But it's so hard. Your vowels have been crushed by the comprehensive,

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so you speak like 'at. Why would I finish me sentences? Didn't bovver finishing school. Right?

0:19:580:20:03

LAUGHTER

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But now and again you bump into someone...

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-NASAL VOICE:

-"..who speaks like that, from a working-class background."

0:20:060:20:10

-It's horn voice, isn't it? Cos it sounds like they've swallowed a...

-HONKS LIKE A HORN

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LAUGHTER

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There will be people watching this,

0:20:150:20:17

-ESSEX ACCENT:

-"100%,"

0:20:170:20:18

have horn voice. I guarantee it.

0:20:180:20:20

-HORN VOICE:

-"I'm sorry, I can't help it, wish I didn't have it, this horn voice."

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But you can, you can help it, right? Cos I've worked out what causes it.

0:20:230:20:28

It's someone with my accent, a broad, limp, working-class accent.

0:20:280:20:33

Flat words, not really...

0:20:330:20:34

Trying to control it. Trying to speak posh,

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trying to speak properly, as though one is from Surrey.

0:20:360:20:39

But halfway along the journey of faking...

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-HORN VOICE:

-"..the voice folds in on itself to produce a horn.

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"Like that. What I'm actually saying is I'm secretly

0:20:430:20:46

-HONKS LIKE A HORN:

-"working class."

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That's what they're trying to tell you.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:500:20:53

It's a nerd voice, isn't it, as well? It's a bit of a nerd voice.

0:20:530:20:57

-NASAL VOICE:

-"Hello, my name's Nigel, my name's Kevin."

0:20:570:20:59

Except if you're in Australia. Their last prime minister was called Kevin.

0:20:590:21:03

How relaxed is a country, for its prime minister to be called Kevin?

0:21:030:21:08

I'd like to move to Australia just cos someone called Kev

0:21:080:21:11

can get into government.

0:21:110:21:12

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-"Hello, my name's Kevin."

0:21:120:21:14

Into office you go. Imagine that in the UK.

0:21:140:21:17

-NASAL VOICE:

-"My name's Kevin."

0:21:170:21:19

-Get in accounts with Nigel and Colin.

-LAUGHTER

0:21:190:21:21

A country so relaxed that when they go to watch comedy,

0:21:210:21:24

they go in their vests.

0:21:240:21:25

I performed in Queensland. They turn up in a tank top,

0:21:250:21:28

a proper wife-beater, and swimming trunks, and flip-flops, or "thongs," as they call them, right?

0:21:280:21:32

Wouldn't you just kill, United Kingdom,

0:21:320:21:35

just to be just a slice of that relaxedness,

0:21:350:21:37

that we could go to the theatre in our vest and shorts? I love a culture like that.

0:21:370:21:42

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENTS:

-"Have you seen my theatre vest anywhere, Muriel? Have you seen it?"

0:21:420:21:47

"Yes, I have, Roger. It's right next to your funeral shorts. Right next to them, babe."

0:21:470:21:51

LAUGHTER

0:21:510:21:53

Thank you. Now, after all my middlebrow thrustings,

0:21:530:21:55

which are essentially low-grade thoughts delivered with speed

0:21:550:21:58

to create the illusion of quality, I think we should see an actual genius in action.

0:21:580:22:02

And that actual genius is Joe Wilkinson.

0:22:020:22:06

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:060:22:10

All rise!

0:22:120:22:14

'Turns out a member of the jury CAN be held in contempt for delivering the verdict...'

0:22:270:22:32

Not guilty.

0:22:320:22:33

'..And then saying...'

0:22:340:22:37

Only messing!

0:22:380:22:39

LAUGHTER

0:22:390:22:42

'I was a little overexcited because I'd had the week off work.'

0:22:460:22:48

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:480:22:52

Oh! We're approaching the end of our comedy journey, but fear not!

0:22:570:23:00

Look at the bus window, there's a poster there, it says go to:

0:23:000:23:04

for more exclusive content.

0:23:040:23:06

But wait! There's somebody else on this bus.

0:23:060:23:08

There's someone else to join us on the rest of our journey.

0:23:080:23:11

Not only that, he's a musical maestro.

0:23:110:23:13

Not only that, he's the one, the only, the genius that is

0:23:130:23:17

Nick Helm...!

0:23:170:23:20

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:200:23:22

Good evening, Live At The Electric. You all right?

0:23:270:23:30

CHEERING

0:23:300:23:32

Yeah, good. Who's got a job?

0:23:320:23:34

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

0:23:340:23:35

Yeah, I used to have one of them.

0:23:350:23:37

It's good, isn't it? It's good, it's good.

0:23:370:23:39

I used to work 9 to 5.30, which is officially half an hour longer

0:23:390:23:41

than Dolly Parton ever fucking bothered with.

0:23:410:23:44

So, fuck you, Dolly!

0:23:440:23:46

Let's whack it in a jacket!

0:23:460:23:48

-#

-Oi!

-When I was just a young boy my mother told me, "Son"

0:23:560:24:00

# She said, "Life is there for living and you've only got the one

0:24:000:24:03

# "Cos dreams can be hard or that's what it seems

0:24:030:24:06

-# "So hold on to your heart and then follow those dreams."

-Oi!

-#

0:24:060:24:10

MUSIC STOPS That is your bit! That is your bit! You do the "Oi"s.

0:24:100:24:14

I am not going to come all the way over to you and pull YOUR good time out of MY arse.

0:24:140:24:18

LAUGHTER

0:24:180:24:20

Get on board!

0:24:200:24:21

LAUGHTER

0:24:210:24:23

# So all the possibilities went racing through my head

0:24:270:24:30

# Of all the things I'd like to do before that I am dead

0:24:300:24:34

# Cos one day when I grow up I'll do the job that's best

0:24:340:24:38

# And I won't to do data entry with a name tag on my chest

0:24:380:24:40

-#

-Oi!

-I don't want a job in admin

0:24:400:24:44

# I don't want to be on 16 grand a year

0:24:440:24:47

# I don't want a job in admin

0:24:470:24:50

-# You can take your job and stick it in your ear

-Oi!

0:24:500:24:54

# I went to university to get a good degree

0:24:540:24:57

# I did BA performance arts there was no stopping me

0:24:570:25:00

# We laughed, we stretched we mimed, we danced,

0:25:000:25:02

# We pranced around like knobs and when we got into the real world

0:25:020:25:05

# Well, there were no fucking jobs

0:25:050:25:08

-#

-Oi!

-I don't want a job in admin

0:25:080:25:10

# I don't want to be on 15 grand a year

0:25:100:25:14

# I don't want a job in admin

0:25:140:25:16

-# You can take your job and stick it in your ear

-Oi!

0:25:160:25:21

# As I grew to adulthood I kept my dreams alive

0:25:210:25:24

# And I couldn't make my holidays or the cost to learn to drive

0:25:240:25:27

# Until the day my mom announced "I know back then I said

0:25:270:25:30

-# "But you're nearly pushing 30 and I want to rent your bed."

-Oi!

0:25:300:25:34

MUSIC SLOWS: # Dreams can be hard to

0:25:340:25:38

# Follow all your life

0:25:380:25:42

# When you've got yourself some kids to feed

0:25:440:25:49

# A mortgage and a wife

0:25:490:25:53

# Life deals you cards and

0:25:560:26:02

# You take what you can

0:26:020:26:05

# But I don't want to wear a shirt and tie

0:26:080:26:10

-# And I don't respect the man

-Oi!

0:26:100:26:11

# I don't want a job in admin

0:26:110:26:14

# I don't want to be on 13 grand a year

0:26:140:26:18

# I don't want a job in admin

0:26:180:26:21

# You can take your job and fuck it in your ear

0:26:210:26:24

# Sometimes it's hard work and sometimes it's luck

0:26:240:26:27

# My mum, she worked so hard until one day her back was fucked

0:26:270:26:31

# It's not that I'm ungrateful or I don't give a toss

0:26:310:26:33

# But if I have to work on Monday then I'm going to shoot my boss

0:26:330:26:37

-#

-Oi!

-I don't want a job in admin

0:26:370:26:40

# I don't want to be on 12 grand a year

0:26:400:26:44

# I don't want a job in admin

0:26:440:26:46

# You can take your job and fuck it in your ear

0:26:460:26:49

# Everybody, now!

0:26:490:26:51

# I don't want a job in admin

0:26:510:26:53

# I don't want to be on 11 grand a year

0:26:530:26:57

# I don't want a job in admin

0:26:570:27:00

# You can take your job and fuck it in your ear

0:27:000:27:03

# You can take your job and fuck it...

0:27:030:27:09

# In your ear! #

0:27:090:27:13

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:130:27:18

-What were you just swallowing?

-Keys.

-Right, well, thank God I found you.

0:27:300:27:33

-Did you send that letter?

-Didn't need to.

-Amazing, cos the woman in the photo, isn't...

0:27:330:27:37

I know, they're here, I've seen them.

0:27:370:27:40

The perps have been restrained and detained.

0:27:400:27:43

No, you don't understand...

0:27:430:27:45

Sorry to interrupt, I'm looking for my sister. I can't find her anywhere.

0:27:450:27:48

-MUFFLED BANGING

-I...haven't seen her anywhere.

0:27:480:27:52

MUFFLED BANGING

0:27:520:27:55

-Who's in there?

-Your stalker.

-SCREAMING AND BABY CRYING

0:27:550:27:57

And her baby.

0:27:570:27:59

-It's your sister.

-Is it?

-Probably.

-Well, unlock it then, mate!

0:27:590:28:04

-I'll get the spare keys.

-I swallowed them as well.

0:28:040:28:08

BOTH SHOUT AT ONCE

0:28:090:28:11

Everybody be cool! Chill out, guys.

0:28:110:28:15

I've got the skeleton key.

0:28:170:28:19

SCREAMING

0:28:190:28:21

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

0:28:450:28:48

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