Episode 3 Live at the Electric

Fan mail in that one, good luck cards in that one and junk mail goes in...

Michael Jordan! That one.

A lot of stuff for Russell. Why don't they just send e-mails?

-They do, it's called fan e-mail.

-Fanny mail! That's very funny.

-Why is that funny? Have you been reading them?

-No, it's just fanny...

Doesn't matter.

This programme contains adult humour and strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Good evening.

This is Live At The Electric. Welcome.

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

What are we going to get tonight? Inventive stand up from me

and a Dragon's Den of character and sketch comedy

from my troupe of obscenely talented performers.

Who am I? I'm Russell Kane.

-AS DUNCAN BANNATYNE

-And for that reason, I'm out.

"But why did he just reference Dragon's Den?

"It didn't relate to anything. He's brave. That explains his hair."

"It's his hair that makes me want to smash his head in."

"He's improvising. He's even doing our voices.

"He's so post-modern. Orgasm. Orgasm."

LAUGHTER

Think of this show as a swingers party, yeah?

Me, the sketch and character players like lusty suburban couples,

dribbling onto the buckets of comedy keys,

tumescently waiting for the random exchange of mirth to begin,

then in the dark, so many jokes entering you from so many

different angles that when the lights go on,

your wife looks like a game of KerPlunk!

"Gavin! Gavin!"

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry. I don't want complaints.

"He's so nice, but why do you always have to refer to sex all the time?"

Sorry, it's an important part of a young man's life,

especially when you're not getting much of it!

OK, so have we got any families in tonight? Over there.

Mum, are you with any one? Is that your son over there?

-What's your son's name?

-Danny.

-Danny.

Why are you sitting apart? You're with your girlfriend?

Separate, but together? "Don't sit near me, Mum!"

"I want to be separate, I want my own space." Who is that?

Is that your other son next to you? It's a friend, closer to the mum.

That's dark, isn't it?

What are you doing with the dirty washing bin?

"Nothing! I was just helping your mum out!"

LAUGHTER

You know, it's tough living at home.

People are now going to think I'm knocking Danny for a cheap joke.

Every single man, every brother, feels your pain, Danny.

You happen to be with your girlfriend,

but we know the great famine that led up to that girl.

The horrible wasteland aged between 13 and 21, it can go on for.

Milking yourself into a skeleton in your bedroom.

GROANS

Your Popeye's forearm pumping away desperately. It's horrible.

Have you got a lot on your door at home? What?

All those of you watching, if you're aged 14 to 18,

you're living at home, you've got no lock on your door, sort it out.

If you haven't already had a white arsed get out,

there is one coming your way.

Do you know what a white arsed get out is?

That is where, that's where you are in your room

you haven't heard your mum knock due to the frantic pumping

of your hand, your hand going so fast

it actually travels through time.

LAUGHTER

Comes back in an Elizabethan glove.

HE SCREAMS

You haven't heard your mum knock.

"Danny! Danny!"

A white arsed get out is when there is no time for trousers,

no time for pants, nothing.

All you can do is spin your pale arse towards the door and go,

"Get out! Now! Give me a minute!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's called a white arsed get out.

APPLAUSE

That is one sport, Danny and Danny's mum,

that I would definitely watch if they introduced it to the Olympics.

The Olympic Mum knock.

How awesome would that be?

"Let's watch the replay of the American one.

"It was a brilliant knock. She did the American lean.

"It's a very American move. She came around the corner.

"The head went in, the judges really liked that spin there,

"from the American mum.

"Let's just watch that.

"The judges awarded extra points for the laughing walk off

"which does of course scar deeply, laughing at the son's genitals.

"Walking off, never to be referred to but always thought of.

"Ten points for the American mum."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Time for the English mum, now. Danny's mum limbering up.

It is known as the cocky pheasant, this warm up.

See the English mum will go for the traditional fox-hunting lunge.

-KNOCKING

-Danny.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Look at the lunge, did you see it?

"Let's just have a quick look at Danny's reaction.

"That is what the judges will be analysing. "Mum!"

"But the extra points was for the falling down ejaculation."

"Mum! Mum!

"Mu-uh-um!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I think we should tail my wit with some more wit

and that wit is WitTank.

APPLAUSE

COUGHING

I completely fucked that up!

LAUGHTER

Hey.

I know you're down at the moment.

I know you feel like you're out of shape and unattractive.

And I know you feel like it's not going to get any better.

OK, bye!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How excellent was that?

Yeah, but now for something so excellent I'm feeling more aroused

than Poirot's suspicion at a crime scene.

Make some noise for Two Episodes Of Mash!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Hullo.

-I'm Joe, this is Diane.

-Hello.

LAUGHTER

Why is there, why is there a big picture of your face?

Because this is our bit of the show.

-Well, why is there not a picture of me as well?

-Forgot about you.

-Oh, for fu...

-LAUGHTER

That has quite annoyed me, actually.

Oh, Diane has to bring on a...

..trolley.

Should have probably done that beforehand, shouldn't we?

Right, first one.

It's been a really difficult year, you know.

-My husband left me.

-Right.

Which came as a bit of a shock, but now, you know,

I'm at a stage where I'm able to deal with that

-and my friends and family have been great.

-Oh, ah...

They've, they've really rallied around.

Mm, heh... Ah!

LAUGHTER

-He still gets to see the kids.

-Mm.

-Which I suppose is a godsend.

Hmm.

But you know, I have been in and out of hospital for most of the year.

-(LOUDLY)

-Ah! Huh!

With my asthma and blood pressure and...

-Cor, cor.

-HE GIGGLES

I just feel like the worry is just making me ill now, you know.

I just feel really, I just feel a bit depressed.

HE WHINES

And to top it all off, my grandmother died.

HE GIGGLES

And I can't see the point, any more.

I really, really can't, can't see the point.

OK, let's see what you've brought.

Brought some scallops, some red peppers and a courgette.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's just a play on words because fan e-mail sounds like fanny mail.

-Fucking hell!

-It's not that good.

Look at this.

"Dear Russell, meet little Jackie. See you soon, we'll be watching.

"Love Jenny." So what?

Secret love child. Blackmail, my friend.

-Where's the blackmail letter?

-She probably e-mailed it.

-Black e-mail. I suppose that's funny, too?

-No. Sorry.

How are we so sure this is his secret love child?

Of course it's Russell's. Look at its face.

Maybe it looks like him because it's his nephew.

Yeah, because he had sex with his sister(!)

-No. What?

-We have to handle this.

Part of our role is to protect the acts from this kind of thing.

Joe Wilkinson's uncle died three weeks ago.

-Thanks to me, he has no idea.

-JOE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Somewhere between hope and despair, there's ice-cream.

Previously on The Van...

I can't believe Dale's dead.

Setting yourself on fire with a crack pipe will do that to a guy.

-What about a replacement?

-No-one is going to work for 70p an hour.

Dale only did it because I saved his life in Iraq.

-You never talk about Iraq.

-Well I won't start now!

-What are you doing here, Jimmy?

-What's the matter, sugartits?

No kiss for me?

Welcome aboard, Jimmy.

You need to come and see this.

Fuckers! Home-made ice-cream? Home-made?

-We can't compete with that.

-This is bullshit!

-Take it or leave it. We're all going to die.

-Ice-cream sucks dick.

-We're only doing this to piss off Sophie's parents.

-I don't give a fuck about ice-cream.

-What can we do about it?

-We could get rid of them. Permanently.

Hey, little chicken. You want a flake in that?

SHE SOBS

What have you done?

We need to make this look like an accident.

-What we need to do is call the pol...

-What's going on?

GUNSHOT

LAUGHTER

No going back now.

APPLAUSE

Wonderful stuff, wonderful.

Now, there are some things that you need two of

and one of those things you need two of is Two Episodes Of Mash!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No deal.

PHONE RINGS

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Are you sure?

-Yes, definitely. No deal.

'Edmonds, you really are a gonad!

'Stop being a prick and get on with it!'

DIAL TONE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He likes you!

-That, that, that is why he's offered you £16,000.

-Oh, wow!

A lot of money, a lot of money.

Would get you out of Bolton.

-LAUGHTER

-A lot of money.

Erm, no deal.

-Shit!

-No deal! PHONE RINGS

'You can't not be a bell end, can you Edmonds? You fat anus.

'I'm going to smash your stupid, fat face in.'

DIAL TONE

He says you're playing a great game.

That, that's why he's going to offer you, erm, £32,000.

-32! Wow!

-LOT OF MONEY! Lot of money!

That is a lot of money, yeah. Erm...

HE WHIMPERS

-£32,000.

-Take it, take it.

-Not sure, not sure.

-Take it?

I'm really not sure.

Take it, pl...

Yeah, no deal. No deal. Oh, for fuck...

PHONE RINGS

LAUGHTER

Sure?

-'You really are a total cu...'

-LAUGHTER

Ah!

-Oh, he really likes you!

-LAUGHTER

That's why he's gonna offer you £100,000!

TAKE IT! TAKE IT!

£100,000! Well, yes! Deal! Definitely deal!

APPLAUSE

PHONE RINGS

Are you gonna get that?

I might just let it go to answer machine. That's it. Bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you're sure this is blackmail, we should call the police.

You want to leave the 5-0 out of this in my experience, dog.

What experience have you had with the police?

My brother's a policeman and he can be really mean.

Him and his friends used to kettle me.

Right. So what's your plan?

I am going to calmly explain to the blackmailer

that Russell Kane and his family members will not be fucked with.

You're not a family member.

-"Dear..."

-I think her name's Jenny.

-"..bitch."

"Get the abortion or get it in the neck. No love, Russell Kane."

-Abortion?

-Too strong?

-Too late.

Well, it will have to do.

Time is of the essence. I'm going to go FedEx this bad boy.

Hey. One of the Toms, isn't it? My sister's here with her new nephew.

-I was wondering...

-Sorry, is she called Jenny?

-Yeah, Jenny's here with my nephew.

-Can I tell Tom something?

I really need you to look after my sister.

It's a very small baby. Is that cool?

-On it.

-Double guns.

APPLAUSE

Thanks for coming in, Laura.

You sent a very impressive CV.

We just wanted to get you in here

and ask you a couple of questions in person.

Personal questions!

Of course, that's fine.

OK, so how would you describe your leadership style?

Laura? What's happened? Are you OK?

Oh! Oh, no, sorry.

That's just my thinking face.

LAUGHS

-Sorry, I thought something awful had happened.

-No! Sorry.

-Do you mind if I...

-Not at all.

-OK.

LAUGHTER

Is, is she all right, do you think?

It's just her thinking face.

-Is she all right?

-Quite all right.

Laura.

Laura, have you finished thinking yet?

I think she's...

Laura!

LEAVE HER! SHE'S THINKING!

-You're looking a lot better now, Laura.

-Good, thank you.

-Just one more thing, are you allergic to any medicines.

-Erm...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Lady Garden, there.

Very like... I did a horn voice, there! That came out accidentally!

-NASAL VOICE:

-"Hello!" That's my nerd voice.

That's the trouble if you're from Essex, right.

There's the natural accent, of course, of the Essex people.

-ESSEX ACCENT:

-"They're in tonight, watching the show,

"I'm not being funny, at the end of the day, I could turn around and say to you..."

Face me in the first place.

"I could turn around, I could turn around and say to you,

"I'm not being funny, at the end of the day I don't mean that.

"But that's not what I'm trying to say." What are you trying to say?

But, of course, with someone like me, who's been to university,

but comes from a chavvy background, we panic about our accent.

Who are the working class people who are born into these accents,

but wish they spoke like Surrey people.

-SURREY ACCENT:

-"I believe our pheasant has turned, Bernard."

LAUGHTER

We want to speak like that, don't we, Essex people, Kent people, London people?

But it's so hard. Your vowels have been crushed by the comprehensive,

so you speak like 'at. Why would I finish me sentences? Didn't bovver finishing school. Right?

LAUGHTER

But now and again you bump into someone...

-NASAL VOICE:

-"..who speaks like that, from a working-class background."

-It's horn voice, isn't it? Cos it sounds like they've swallowed a...

-HONKS LIKE A HORN

LAUGHTER

There will be people watching this,

-ESSEX ACCENT:

-"100%,"

have horn voice. I guarantee it.

-HORN VOICE:

-"I'm sorry, I can't help it, wish I didn't have it, this horn voice."

But you can, you can help it, right? Cos I've worked out what causes it.

It's someone with my accent, a broad, limp, working-class accent.

Flat words, not really...

Trying to control it. Trying to speak posh,

trying to speak properly, as though one is from Surrey.

But halfway along the journey of faking...

-HORN VOICE:

-"..the voice folds in on itself to produce a horn.

"Like that. What I'm actually saying is I'm secretly

-HONKS LIKE A HORN:

-"working class."

That's what they're trying to tell you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's a nerd voice, isn't it, as well? It's a bit of a nerd voice.

-NASAL VOICE:

-"Hello, my name's Nigel, my name's Kevin."

Except if you're in Australia. Their last prime minister was called Kevin.

How relaxed is a country, for its prime minister to be called Kevin?

I'd like to move to Australia just cos someone called Kev

can get into government.

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-"Hello, my name's Kevin."

Into office you go. Imagine that in the UK.

-NASAL VOICE:

-"My name's Kevin."

-Get in accounts with Nigel and Colin.

-LAUGHTER

A country so relaxed that when they go to watch comedy,

they go in their vests.

I performed in Queensland. They turn up in a tank top,

a proper wife-beater, and swimming trunks, and flip-flops, or "thongs," as they call them, right?

Wouldn't you just kill, United Kingdom,

just to be just a slice of that relaxedness,

that we could go to the theatre in our vest and shorts? I love a culture like that.

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENTS:

-"Have you seen my theatre vest anywhere, Muriel? Have you seen it?"

"Yes, I have, Roger. It's right next to your funeral shorts. Right next to them, babe."

LAUGHTER

Thank you. Now, after all my middlebrow thrustings,

which are essentially low-grade thoughts delivered with speed

to create the illusion of quality, I think we should see an actual genius in action.

And that actual genius is Joe Wilkinson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All rise!

'Turns out a member of the jury CAN be held in contempt for delivering the verdict...'

Not guilty.

'..And then saying...'

Only messing!

LAUGHTER

'I was a little overexcited because I'd had the week off work.'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh! We're approaching the end of our comedy journey, but fear not!

Look at the bus window, there's a poster there, it says go to:

for more exclusive content.

But wait! There's somebody else on this bus.

There's someone else to join us on the rest of our journey.

Not only that, he's a musical maestro.

Not only that, he's the one, the only, the genius that is

Nick Helm...!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, Live At The Electric. You all right?

CHEERING

Yeah, good. Who's got a job?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Yeah, I used to have one of them.

It's good, isn't it? It's good, it's good.

I used to work 9 to 5.30, which is officially half an hour longer

than Dolly Parton ever fucking bothered with.

So, fuck you, Dolly!

Let's whack it in a jacket!

-#

-Oi!

-When I was just a young boy my mother told me, "Son"

# She said, "Life is there for living and you've only got the one

# "Cos dreams can be hard or that's what it seems

-# "So hold on to your heart and then follow those dreams."

-Oi!

-#

MUSIC STOPS That is your bit! That is your bit! You do the "Oi"s.

I am not going to come all the way over to you and pull YOUR good time out of MY arse.

LAUGHTER

Get on board!

LAUGHTER

# So all the possibilities went racing through my head

# Of all the things I'd like to do before that I am dead

# Cos one day when I grow up I'll do the job that's best

# And I won't to do data entry with a name tag on my chest

-#

-Oi!

-I don't want a job in admin

# I don't want to be on 16 grand a year

# I don't want a job in admin

-# You can take your job and stick it in your ear

-Oi!

# I went to university to get a good degree

# I did BA performance arts there was no stopping me

# We laughed, we stretched we mimed, we danced,

# We pranced around like knobs and when we got into the real world

# Well, there were no fucking jobs

-#

-Oi!

-I don't want a job in admin

# I don't want to be on 15 grand a year

# I don't want a job in admin

-# You can take your job and stick it in your ear

-Oi!

# As I grew to adulthood I kept my dreams alive

# And I couldn't make my holidays or the cost to learn to drive

# Until the day my mom announced "I know back then I said

-# "But you're nearly pushing 30 and I want to rent your bed."

-Oi!

MUSIC SLOWS: # Dreams can be hard to

# Follow all your life

# When you've got yourself some kids to feed

# A mortgage and a wife

# Life deals you cards and

# You take what you can

# But I don't want to wear a shirt and tie

-# And I don't respect the man

-Oi!

# I don't want a job in admin

# I don't want to be on 13 grand a year

# I don't want a job in admin

# You can take your job and fuck it in your ear

# Sometimes it's hard work and sometimes it's luck

# My mum, she worked so hard until one day her back was fucked

# It's not that I'm ungrateful or I don't give a toss

# But if I have to work on Monday then I'm going to shoot my boss

-#

-Oi!

-I don't want a job in admin

# I don't want to be on 12 grand a year

# I don't want a job in admin

# You can take your job and fuck it in your ear

# Everybody, now!

# I don't want a job in admin

# I don't want to be on 11 grand a year

# I don't want a job in admin

# You can take your job and fuck it in your ear

# You can take your job and fuck it...

# In your ear! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-What were you just swallowing?

-Keys.

-Right, well, thank God I found you.

-Did you send that letter?

-Didn't need to.

-Amazing, cos the woman in the photo, isn't...

I know, they're here, I've seen them.

The perps have been restrained and detained.

No, you don't understand...

Sorry to interrupt, I'm looking for my sister. I can't find her anywhere.

-MUFFLED BANGING

-I...haven't seen her anywhere.

MUFFLED BANGING

-Who's in there?

-Your stalker.

-SCREAMING AND BABY CRYING

And her baby.

-It's your sister.

-Is it?

-Probably.

-Well, unlock it then, mate!

-I'll get the spare keys.

-I swallowed them as well.

BOTH SHOUT AT ONCE

Everybody be cool! Chill out, guys.

I've got the skeleton key.

SCREAMING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.