Episode 4 Live at the Electric

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

-What are you doing on this computer?

-I'm...

-Did you click on the folder called Not Porn?

-What?

-Good.

Food's here! It's rider time!

What's "rider time"?

God, new guy! Are you new here, or something?

Yeah.

Riders are food for the acts. Par example...

-GREEK ACCENT:

-One Greek salad for the producer.

-I always remember that one.

-Why, cos she's Greek?

No, because she's anorexic.

Crisps for Diane.

Keep this on the downlow,

but I always like to sneak a couple of these for myself.

She ain't going to notice if the shipment come in a little bit late.

-I think she might.

-Well, she never really talks to me, anyway.

Besides, the acts know that if they complain, there will be consequences.

What, cos you'll, like, spit in their sandwich or something?

Pff. Use your imagination, dude.

Last year the director pissed me off so much,

I stuck his baguette up my arse.

-That's disgusting.

-Yeah.

Well, didn't get very far. Just sort of disintegrated.

-Got him the next day, though.

-How?

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Stuck my dick in his coffee.

Must've hurt.

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-Not as much as the baguette!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Electric!

CHEERING

My name is Russell Kane. Now, if you don't know which Russell I am,

I'm the one that looks like someone stuck a coconut on a cocktail stick, right?

We've got lots of comedy tonight,

but I can guarantee you I'll be the BEST stand-up in the show.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Actually, I'm the only stand-up.

The rest is all sketch and character.

Done on purpose to give an artificial sense of how good I am. No confidence. Ching!

LAUGHTER

Now, if comedy were a spanking paddle, this parade of mirth-meisters

going at your buttocks would leave purple welts of hilarity.

Each of their gags a literal gag, a plastic golf ball through which

we can barely hear the muffled screams of your laughter.

LAUGHTER

But, before we bundle you into the Transit of comedy

and drive you to the waste ground of punch lines,

I need to explain what's happened to me.

Cos some of you at home might have noticed that a week has done nothing

to improve my emotional meltdown.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the nature of the job.

Can you imagine how difficult it is to get stability, going from town to town doing stand-up?

It's fun. It is fun. And you try to rationalise with yourself.

Has anyone at home, or anyone in the room studied sociology? Give me a cheer.

-A FEW VOICES CHEER

-There's a few sociology students in.

Now, you all know the guilt that I must have felt the first time on reaching for the mouse.

"Mustn't watch pornography. I know it's bad. I did it in sociology."

"The horrible misogynistic glare of the camera. Don't log on."

Right? There's hardly a positive thing I can draw from men watching pornography,

except one, United Kingdom watching this.

We are the only country in the world that predominantly watch British porn.

-EXAGGERATED ACCENT:

-"British porn, for British people!" Right?

British people in real scenes.

-Real bodies, emerging in groups from behind a Lidl, like that.

-HE GROWLS

"Do it on t'face, Barry! Do it on t'face!"

I think that's something to celebrate. I'm sorry, right?

APPLAUSE

Any of the guys who watch American pornography,

the talking in it, it's so un-British to speak to each other.

-FEMALE AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"Oh, God, yeah! Do me, yeah! Do me, yeah!"

-And then the guy...

-MALE AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"..I am ...ing you right now!

"Oh, yeah!

-"Oh, God, yeah!"

-HE MOANS

-FEMALE:

-"Oh, God! Don't stop ...ing me!"

-MALE:

-"That's right!" They're so polite, Americans.

"We're fucking and agreeing!" "That's right!" "Yeah, do me!"

She's doing him, now!

LAUGHTER

-MALE:

-"What are you doing?!"

-FEMALE:

-"I don't know, but I kind of like it!"

-MALE:

-"My prostate!"

That was a genuine mistake, but it was a good bit of prostate banter.

Now, is there a single British woman that ever really wants a man to talk in bed?

Can you think of anything more un-British than,

"I'm shagging you right now, Maureen."

"I know what you're doing, Bernard, I wish you'd get on with it."

"We'll miss Waitrose at this rate."

LAUGHTER

I mean, American porn, like American love scenes in movies, they're unattainable.

It's not something British people can relate to. We don't do it like that.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"Perfect sex with a perfect climax. That was amazing! Oh, God, yeah!"

This is actual quotes, I won't say the name of the people,

cos I don't want people Googling it, cos it is horrific.

But trust me, there's an Essex pornographer,

and this is a real quote at the height of the filth.

-ESSEX ACCENT:

-"Oh, that's lovely, that."

LAUGHTER

Regardless of your opinion, how proud to be British are you when you hear that?

Listen to the grammar. This is from northern English porn.

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-"Oh, that's fucking champion."

Champion. Champion. But this is my favourite moment ever,

if you're just going to watch it for research.

-Let's just say the scene had concluded.

-CLEARS THROAT

And it concluded several times. It was a right mess.

It was like someone had knocked a church candle over.

LAUGHTER

Let's just leave it like that, right? Honestly.

-It was disgusting, really. But this was the British reaction.

-HE MOANS

There was a pause, and then straight down the camera, he said this:

"Quality."

"Quality"! Unbelievable.

Give it up for Wit Tank!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Well, that's the last of it.

-Thanks.

Look, I know it's hard, but it was the right decision, for both of you.

She's left me, Mark.

The love of my life has gone.

And I'm totally alone.

Dead inside.

I just feel nothing but pain.

It's pain like you wouldn't imagine,

this hideous, constant pain, like a dagger...

..slowly twisting into my heart.

-It's a pain like nothing else. And it's just... Ow!

-What?

I've just stepped on a plug! Argh!

Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!

HE WAILS

It's like a three-pronged attack from a tiny little army!

Don't touch it! Don't touch it! Oh! It's raw.

It's raw.

Pointy little bastard!

Cut it off, Mark. Fucking cut it off.

HE GROANS IN AGONY

It's like I'm having a baby!

Breathe, breathe. You're doing really well.

HE CRIES OUT

Up we get. Come on.

-Don't touch me, don't touch me.

-All right.

HE GASPS

-Sorry, what were we talking about?

-It's literally not important.

LAUGHTER

I've gained so much perspective.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

SEDUCTIVE VOICE: Welcome to my home, baby.

-This is where the magic happens.

-Fuck, have you been burgled?

Oh, yeah.

They've taken everything but there's one thing they didn't take.

Your really long futon?

Extra long. I like to move around.

Relax, baby, while I set the mood.

PHONE RINGS

HOLD MUSIC PLAYS "LET'S GET IT ON"

Baby, in the lottery of love,

you have hit the jackpot with bonus balls.

I'm going to create a magical night for you, baby.

You will forget your name. You will forget your training.

You will forget your four times table,

so-called because if they had not stolen my table,

we would do it four times on said table. And...

-MUSIC STOPS

-'Please hold the line.

'Your call is important and will be answered as soon as a team member becomes available.'

-MUSIC STARTS When the magic is over...

-What if someone answers the phone?

Baby, this is customer services. We got all night.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, you'll never guess who's here.

It's Joe Wilkinson and Diane Morgan and Two Episodes Of Mash.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Good evening. Hello. I'm Joe. That's...

-Hello.

-..Diane.

Er... We're going to do some stuff.

Then we're going to fuck off.

-Pretty much how it works, innit?

-Mm.

Oh, Christ. What's that?

It's a photo of a wall for one of the sketches,

but annoyingly I had my thumb over the lens.

-You printed it anyway?

-Yeah.

-You...

Let's just do this sketch.

60 quid that cost.

Not made of money.

First one.

That was slick, wasn't it?

HYMN MUSIC PLAYS

CHURCH CHOIR SINGS

'My brothers, sons of Abraham's race...'

Why didn't you tell me the Songs Of Praise cameras were in this weekend?

-You know why.

-I've got soup down my top.

It's going to be on the telly.

You shouldn't come out with soup down your top anyway, should you?

Right in the front row.

Shut up.

If the cameras weren't here I'd fucking batter you.

You know how much I love Songs Of Praise.

-You should have checked the website.

-What fucking website?

-The fucking church website.

-The church has got a website?

Of course it's got a fucking website.

Who the fuck checks the church website?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What are you doing?

-Taking all the blue M&Ms out for a rider.

-What's that for?

-Me.

Guess I'm a bit of a diva!

-What's in your rider?

-Do you mean what's in my packed lunch?

MIMICS: What's in my packed lunch?

-But is that what you're asking?

-Yes.

Well, made it myself so thought I'd keep it simple. Sandwich and crisps.

Oh, my God. Classic newby rider.

-What flavour are the crisps? Ready salted?

-Yeah, I love ready salted.

-What flavour are your crisps?

-Pickled onion, if you can call them crisps.

SINGS: Monster Munch!

-Got to use your imagination, dude.

-Monster Munch?

-Hardly the rider of a rockstar.

-Well, that's not all I get.

Go on, then.

-The list goes on, dude.

-Go on, then.

-OK. I always get...pizzas.

-Pizzas?

-Pepperoni pizzas.

-Not very exotic.

-With the pepperonis taken off.

-So Margheritas?

-Yes, but loads of them.

-How many?

-Like, 50.

-That's quite a lot.

-Yes, it is.

-I expect that's very expensive.

-Mm.

-Better order them in.

-Will do. I'm not actually that hungry.

There, it's calling.

-Do you want to go halvsies?

-No.

APPLAUSE

< Right.

Oh, shitting shit! Oh!

Oh, piss ant! Oh, fucking Nora, that hurt.

Arseholes!

Oh, crap!

Crap on a fucking stick, that hurt. Wankers!

Wank! That hurt. Wank, wank, wank!

WANK!

HE GROANS

You do know you're meant to send the family MY finger, don't you?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That was the cottage on the Saturday.

That was the cottage on the Sunday.

That's the cottage at night.

Ah! That's the path up the lane.

And that's the path itself.

It felt lovely underfoot, Emma.

Emma, have you seen the film Babe?

Er, Roberta, you've given it away!

Now, Emma...

..that is actually...

..a picture...

of a picture of a pig

that Roberta took in case we didn't actually see a pig! Oh, God.

-Love that.

-Look at that lovely grass, Emma.

-Really green, it was.

That's a tractor Emma.

Sorry, what were you wearing on the last one?

Tractor wheels, discarded!

Ah, then we went on a walk and met a lovely farmer.

Emma? Emma!

Look what we've found. BOTH: A pig!

THEY LAUGH

That's a gate, Emma.

Then we met a couple of hikers. They were lovely, weren't they, Janice?

Oh, they were lovely.

Oh, my God.

SHE SQUEALS

(Kill me.)

SHE YELPS

And that was the cottage on the Tuesday.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That was lovely(!)

I like the way you were all laughing at the time

and everyone just stopped laughing and went, "People have been hurt."

Some people like it dark, some people like it light.

That was particularly dark. I like that.

Those of you following the narrative of this series will realise

I've been having a weird time relationship-wise,

so I thought I'd track back to my first date,

see if I could find the seeds of my disaster.

Sure enough, I can. I'm talking about the first girlfriend.

Not where you actually do it and are properly in love.

I'm talking about the first when you're 13, that relationship.

Remember back to the awkwardness going on that first date, the horror.

How much you got ready before. I'd done the too much gel on the hair.

You know when boys go through a phase of a whole pot a day? I'm totally over it!

I've moved on. Wanker!

Self-heckle. He's heckling himself. I love it, Bernard.

Girls, do remember what it was like when you had your first boyfriend over at 13?

The atmosphere was horrible.

The dad was sat on the sofa on his own.

"My daughter is too young." Not looking at me, even though

we were on the same sofa, slightly turned away like that.

She's come down the stairs wearing too much. A full ballgown.

"Indeed, you are most welcome to afternoon tea at my house.

"I have dressed appropriately." Really over the top.

And the dad just turned away like that watching a wildlife documentary.

Just horrible. Can you feel the atmosphere?

This wouldn't be a stand-up routine -

it barely fricking is anyway -

if the next thing hadn't happened.

This is one of the worst fricking moments of my life.

Coming into my nose, in gusts, the pungent smell of dog shit.

A young boy, who's broken by his dad's mantra of remove your shoes.

"Never leave your shoes on."

I've gone over to a house where I'm unwelcome and trod shit

all the way from the front door

to exactly where I was sitting on the carpet.

Not only that, there are two versions of treading in dog poo.

There's where you've trod in it a while ago and you've left prints

and then there's where you've just trod in it.

I must have hit it just before the door.

You know when you first tread in it

and you carry the poo with you for a couple of steps?

I've carried it in! You know how I walk. I'm like, "Hey!"

I'd flicked poo against the wall!

If it was CSI, they'd have found the spatter marks.

"This poo was flicked here."

In clumps, trod through.

And the mum, who was the nice one...

You know how it works in a marriage with the mum and dad?

There's one strict, horrible parent and one broken and twitchy.

It's not always the woman that's broken. Sometimes the man is and the woman's dominant.

In this one the man was dominant and the woman was broken. "All right, love.

"Don't worry about it. I'm the broken, twitchy parent."

You know when someone's telling you not to worry and it makes you want to cry?

"It's all right. It can happen to anyone. Don't worry, love."

She went back and got a bowl from under the sink

and I was sat there

while her mum was scrubbing shit out of the carpet like that.

This is the bit which is going to sound written, and you'll think it is,

but I swear to God the timing was unbelievable.

As the mum was scrubbing the shit out of the carpet,

the dad who'd been watching the wildlife documentary about walruses...

He didn't react at all, just his nostrils went like that.

That was his only reaction.

And it reached the bit, as it always does in wildlife documentaries,

to do with mating. I don't know if you've ever seen a walrus have sex?

You want to come down Southend sometime!

CAN I BUY YOU A SAMBUCA?

As the mum started... You know when people start to scrub shit, they start quite gently

and then they really get into it? Just as she got into really scrubbing the poo out,

that was when the male walrus was mating the female walrus and it goes like this.

"Wargh!" Right?

Just for a short period of time the hand of the shit scrub

and the walrus's penile thrust matched up.

I was just sat there. "Wargh! Wargh! Wargh! Wargh!"

That was my first date, ladies and gentlemen.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to reward you in the form of the one, the only, Joe Wilkinson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'If you're already worried what the neighbours think of you,

'and you know the local kids are trick or treating...'

DOORBELL RINGS

ALL: Trick or treat?

'Don't then answer the door in a dressing gown that you know

'is prone to flapping open.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, it's time for the final scoop of our chocolaty-dark urban drama.

Let's stick a Flake in this bad boy. It's The Van.

APPLAUSE

How far will you go to sell ice cream?

Previously on The Van...

You need to come and see this.

Fuckers.

We don't give a fuck about ice cream.

SOBBING

What have you done?

No going back now.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Six shots fired from right outside the van

and none of you heard a thing?

No, Inspector.

None of us. Right, Mark?

Er, right.

I just got the blood work back from the lab.

Made for some very interesting reading...

..Miss Carter.

I did it.

-I killed them both.

-Jimmy, no. What are you doing?

I'll take the rap.

-Save the van.

-I can't let you do that, old friend.

What are you going to do to stop me?

This.

BEEPING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, guys. We are approaching the end of the show and if that worries you,

just log onto:

for loads more exclusive content.

Come to think of it, if a show merely finishing is worrying you,

you might want to swallow about eight packs of Imodium

to deal with the musical onslaught coming your way.

I think you know what I'm talking about. It's the one, the only, Nick Helm!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A bit of back story on this one first.

LAUGHTER

Relationships are hard, aren't they?

Good. MUSIC STARTS

# She's taking me to the County Court

# She's gonna get me a nice divorce

# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em good

# She's gonna sign 'em like a good wife should

# She's taken half of all I own

# I get the kids but she keeps the home

# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em nice

# She's gonna sign 'em once She's gonna sign 'em twice

# Get a divorce

# Get a divorce

# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em well

# She's gonna sign 'em while I go to hell

# I'm looking round for a bachelor flat

# I ain't allowed no dogs no cats

# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em grand

# She's gonna sign 'em with her writing hand

# She started seeing a millionaire

# I've had to put the kids in care

# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em fine

# She's gonna sign 'em on the dotted line

# Get a divorce

# Get a divorce

# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em right

# She's gonna sign 'em every Tuesday night

# I met a girl who looked quite keen

# I swear to God she was 16

# She's gonna sign the papers without fail

# She's gonna sign 'em while I go to jail

# She's gonna sign the papers once again

# She's gonna sign 'em with her fountain pen

# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em brill

# She's gonna sign 'em with her fucking quill. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, I see your rider's arrived. It's a lot of pizza.

-500 quid's worth, dog. Rockstar!

-They forgot to take the pepperoni off.

-Yeah, I know.

-Why don't you just eat it?

-I can't. I'm allergic.

-It still tastes of it though.

-Yeah, you look quite blotchy.

-Should be fine.

I got myself a side order of antihistamine.

-Are you going to be all right for Russell's big dinner?

-Yeah.

-We're leaving in five.

-Hey. Ready to go?

-Yeah.

Somebody got my bloody rider wrong.

I specifically asked for no pepperoni.

-Will you be all right?

-Yeah, should be fine.

-My windpipe's closing up.

-Cool.

Don't embarrass yourself, newby!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd