Episode 5 Live at the Electric

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND ADULT HUMOUR

-Got a text, mate.

-I've got...

-It might be urgent.

-"We regret to inform you you have HIV and chlamydia.

"Your penis is also small and gross."

-Shit, mate, might want to get down the clinic.

-Yeah, but it might be a fake.

-Why?

Because the text is from you.

Damn! People don't usually save my number.

Why are you filming this?

Then the secret is out. The rumours are true.

I am doing my own prank show.

I'm calling it Spunked. It'll be like Punked.

-Do you know what that is?

-Yeah, I worked on Punt.

-Let me explain.

It's where celebrities are put in hilariously compromising positions.

For example, for Justin Timberlake, they got an entire removal crew.

-What are you going to do?

-We're going to slap Russell Kane.

-Don't.

-Here he comes.

-Why are you filming me?

-Cos you're about to get slapped.

-Why?

-Very good question.

Well, he didn't find that... very funny.

Welcome to Spunked!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, lovely humans.

Well, double-penetrate me with your giggles.

This is Live At The Electric!

There's so many of them!

Now, I am Russell Kane. Some of you slightly confused there.

Do not do me the credit of muddling me with any of the other Russells.

I live alone, I live in England, I'm into books, pets,

and if a woman so much as touches me, she develops eczema immediately.

Not really. He's just making himself look vulnerable so he can get more vag. Ding!

Thankfully, I'm the only self-obsessed stand-up comedian in tonight's show.

The rest of my crew are a heterogeneous bunch of geniuses

peddling the genial crafts of sketch and character comedy. How exciting is that, yeah?

We've even cross-bred hard rock with mental breakdown - it's too exciting.

Hashtag pre-cum.

I don't want to be horrible to the people that are watching the show,

because I use this phrase myself, but as a general rule,

the more that you use the term "random", yeah, the more horribly

linear and predictable and ordinary your life probably is, yeah?

"Oh, my God, it's so random. I'm walking down the street with my mate Ollie, I can't believe it!

"Oh, my God, I'd better trip over! Oh, my God, random! Life just can't be predicted!"

"WTF? Let's cover ourselves in hummous and go to Oxbridge immediately!"

"Why are you being so random?" "I'm not. I'm not being random, am I?"

"Do you even know what it means?"

"I can't believe I bumped into my friend Tim. What are the chances?"

Quite high. You and Tim are into the same stuff, you're the same age,

it's barely an interesting fucking coincidence.

It's not random.

What'd be random is if I dressed up as a knight

and then stuck a squirrel in your shitter. That'd be random!

"Oh, my God! How random! I'm being raped by a woodland animal.

"That truly is mathematically accurate, man!"

Now, the thing is, there'll be lots of people watching, 16 to 18,

that find it quite patronising when I say "younger people",

implying that you're somehow not yet fully grown up.

Let me put this very clearly to you, if you are watching this,

aged 14, 15, 16.

There's a quick check to see if you're fully grown up.

Ask yourself this. If you're going, "I can't believe you're so patronising,

"I'll switch the TV off! Excuse me, I am grown up. I know my politics, my life.

"I'm sexually active. How dare you suggest I'm not grown up?!"

That is the number one symptom of being a fucking child.

Number one!

If you are sat there thinking, "I'm a snivelling baby that knows nothing about life,"

welcome to adulthood.

Welcome, but not until you've slid down a fridge sobbing with that revelation.

"My life's fucked..."

Not until you've had a fridge slide are you fully adult.

I find the mating game quite hard, because I developed a public...

I play up to it on stage. It's only natural.

People say, "You're camp." You play up to it if it gets a laugh. That's what a comedian does.

But I'm finding it hard to seal the deal with the ladies off the stage.

Part of it is, the angriness of sex puts me off.

Why did evolution seek to make anger and sex in he same field?

The natural face of shagging is quite angry, isn't it?

"Yeah, this is the best feeling I've ever had!

"I've never felt so good, making sweet, gentle love to you..."

Eugh! At what point did it become evolutionary beneficial

to look like you hate someone's guts while you're pounding them? "I really love you!"

How much nicer would sex be if this was the natural face of shagging?

I think a lot of guys would like it, yeah. Not too funny, though.

You can't laugh during sex. Laughing during sex - forget about it.

-"I'd like to try it, though."

-HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

For some of the younger people who maybe haven't experimented

with any sexual partners yet - don't attempt that,

The worst one is when you're laughed OUT of someone. How horrible is that?!

HE GIGGLES MANIACALLY

You laughed me out!

That's horrible, especially if that happens at the end.

"Don't laugh!" Splat! "Oh, no!"

# You can go hot, you can go home, you can go splat! #

My mum calls him will.1am.

I think we should proceed. Imagine being inside my head - I'm fucked.

Now, make some noise.

Clap until the mock masonry falls from the walls, for Winston!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CRACKLY INTERFERENCE

'I like to watch.

'That's why I have eyes, I suppose...

'to watch things.

'Some people think that watching is a strange and perverse habit.

'They're right. I am both strange and perverse...

'..only I'm different to the other watchers,

'because I don't just watch people, places, wildlife.

'Oh, no. My watching takes a far more sinister form.

'I like to watch the watching.

'That's right. I'm a voyeur voyeur.

'I spectate the spectator.

'Nothing gets me more excited than watching another filthy pervert

'watching someone else, with no idea he's being watched by me.

HE GRUNTS

'The man preparing an ambush least expects an ambush.

'The man mugging a child least expects to be mugged by a child.

'And here my watcher has no idea he's being watched.

HE JUDDERS

HE EXHALES 'Why do I do it?'

Not for charity, that's for sure!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Welcome, sir.

-Oh, hello.

-Who is this little one?

-This is Sally.

How old are you, Sally?

She's having a shy day today.

She's four years old.

Oh, I don't know if you've noticed

but kids under the age of five eat for free, so...

Oh, look at that. Oh, shoot. We hadn't no...

Oh, we've made up our minds anyway.

-Er, I'll have the small cheese toastie, please...

-Mm-hm.

..and Sally will have the 15oz rib eye.

LAUGHTER

-15oz rib eye?

-Yes, please, with a whisky chaser.

LAUGHTER

Right away, sir.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, do you know what would be much more fun than watching me

desperately thrust for attention?

It's giving a massive round of applause

and welcoming to the stage Two Episodes Of Mash!

APPLAUSE

HE MOUTHS THANKS

LAUGHTER

Hello. LAUGHTER

-I'm Joe, this is Diane.

-Hello.

Er...this is our bit.

We're going to do, er...two sketches.

CHEERING

I'll be honest with you - we may do less if we lose confidence.

LAUGHTER

-That's fair, innit?

-Mm.

So, why is there a picture of an angle grinder?

Oh, they've printed the wrong one of the pictures I sent them.

That one was meant to be for a christening card.

LAUGHTER

-Right, shall we do a sketch?

-Yeah.

First one.

LAUGHTER

-Are you a genie?

-Yep. LAUGHTER

Right.

-I was expecting a puff of smoke, or something.

-Oh, right, sorry.

You caught me off guard.

I was washing me hair.

LAUGHTER

-So, do I get three wishes, then?

-Yeah.

-Great, OK. My first wish...

-Oh, right, yeah.

-My first wish is to be a millionaire.

-Very original.

Fair enough.

-Bollocks.

-What?

-Oh, shit.

-What?

-You know... Oh, fuck.

What?

You know how... Oh!

You know how I make the wishes?

Well, I think I've left the instructions in the lantern.

Right, well, go in and get them.

Yes, but how I get back in is part of the general instructions,

which are in the lantern.

So where does that leave us?

Ah, the annoying thing is, I can see them in there.

LAUGHTER

Oh, you're a dickhead! How long have you been in there?

-Dunno, about a thousand years?

-And you never thought of learning it?

I've got Sky+.

LAUGHTER

-It takes up a lot of time.

-I could have really done with three wishes.

SHE SIGHS

What about me? I'm stuck out here now.

-Can I stay with you for a bit?

-No.

-Hello? Hello?!

-What are you doing?

Just seeing if my flatmate's in.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS: "The Star-Spangled Banner"

Hello, Britain. This is Hari Kondabolu and I'm an American.

I recently tried some of your cuisine.

This is your national dish?

You plundered the world for spice and you still eat something

that could have been invented by McDonald's?!

"But potatoes are good for you!"

Unless they're deep-fried.

Fish is good for you, too!

Unless they're deep-fried.

Guys, stop deep-frying everything.

Black pudding is sausage made of congealed blood?!

Hang on - you eat blood, you have terrible complexions,

you live in a country with very little sunlight...

I knew it! You're vampires! LAUGHTER

Of course, it's all about the flavour.

It's best to add salt, vinegar and ketchup to bring out

the natural taste...of salt, vinegar and ketchup.

Marmite is disgusting and I know half of you agree with me.

Do you even know what Marmite is? It's the waste product from beer.

It's beer shit.

And Hari Kondabolu doesn't eat shit.

Good night, Britain.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ooh.

-What are you doing?

-Touching you with this ten foot pole.

Ho-ho! Wow!

-Makes me feel quite good about myself.

-Yeah.

I always said I wouldn't do this, but look at me.

I'm doing it, aren't I?

-Thanks, Diane.

-You're welcome.

-That's it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Heads up, YouTubers.

We're here in Joe Wilkinson's dressing room

and he's about to get a bit of a surprise.

-Tell them what you're going to do.

-I'm going to jump out at him.

-Do the thing.

-Rawr!

A tiger in my dressing room?! What the fuck?!

-DOOR OPENS

-Shit, that's him.

HE SOBS Fuck!

CONTINUES TO SOB

-Do it. Do it.

-No way!

Spunk.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Argh!

-I've... I've been stabbed. I can't feel my arms.

-Get help! Get help!

No, wait!

It's too late.

-Do something for me.

-Anything.

-Look in my pocket.

My wife and I are doing IVF.

I've got to leave her something. Give my wife my baby.

Oh! Right.

Give my wife my baby!

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Ah...

That's not quite the angle

-you've got going there.

-Sorry.

Just, yeah...

-Put a bit of soul into it.

-Yeah, sorry.

-Women aren't always...

-OK.

-Yeah.

All right, big guy. Let's make some babies.

Oh! Ho-ho!

Oh, God! You're good!

That's the stuff, am I right?

Ooh!

Oh! Ah!

You want to back up, love.

This guy's got game!

-Oh!

-Go long! Go long!

Nn-gg! Ho!

Oh! Oh!

APPLAUSE

Ahoy, skips. Do any other men skip?

This is what happens to a young, straight...

Admittedly, I don't look straight, but I am a young straight man,

without a woman, this happens. I didn't learn the art of pulling.

I've gone from nothing at all, no female attention,

long term girlfriend, to this, with female attention and I'm still managing to eff it up.

For those of you that might be younger or as useless with women

as I am, let me give you a few tips I've discovered manually that women definitely do not like.

Cos I come across younger than my age and quite boyish on stage, that must be a turn on for women.

I'm going to play up to it in the bedroom. No.

The bedroom is the time to stop that behaviour, it turns out.

Do not try and make your language more juvenile.

Please can I have a blowie-wowie, please!

It's one that definitely does not work. Do not bring anything from Harry Potter in as well.

Do not put a sorting hat on a woman's head and go, "Gryffindor!"

That would be really good. The sorting hat decides what we're going to do in bed.

And your friends doing the voice from round the corner. "Bum sex!"

The hat has spoken!

There's something else, although it's worth doing it once.

Never ever...ever put a Berroca in a girl's fanny. Ever!

Don't do it, seriously.

For the first 20 seconds, nothing, and then it all kicks off.

"Oh, you've got a volcano!"

Dante's vag! No, don't do it.

By the way, if you do that and nothing happens,

she doesn't fancy you.

There's one other. This is when you know you really love each other.

Doing it in the morning and it's thanks to American movies. "Oh, my God!

"Let's just do it with the light streaming on our bodies. Oh, God! Yeah! Morning sex is so good! Ye-ah!"

Doesn't work in Britain. "Let's do it in the morning. I need a piss.

"She's got dog-shit breath. It's not working!"

How much does it take...? "Let's do it when we first wake up,

"as soon as I've done this really loud horse piss."

Tsh-sh-sh-sh! Tsh-sh-sh-sh!

If you hear someone doing a really loud whizz, just forget it. Just leave it.

I don't put loud wee in the foreplay bracket.

OK, ladies and gentlemen,

show your appreciation for the wonderful Joe Wilkinson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MONITORS BEEP

MONITORS BEEP

'After pronouncing a patient is dead, don't then admit that you're not

'actually a doctor, but just on your way to a fancy dress party.

'Going through the hospital is just a great little shortcut

'to The Plough & Sail where Mark was having his do.'

APPLAUSE

How good was that?!

If you'd like even more good stuff, head to...

And if you want music, how about you start applauding for Nik Hill.

APPLAUSE

-Good evening, the Electric Show!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You all right?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Then let's stuff it in the chuff!

All right, let's cut the shit. This song's really long.

It doesn't have a chorus and there's no real punchline to it until right at the end.

But aside from that, it's quite good.

Er... So, if you don't like it, why not try fucking yourself?

# It's just a second date

# And things are going great

# He says he'll pick her up at six,

# But he is running late

# So she goes to change her shoes

# Put on a bit more rouge

# She swaps her dress a seventh time

# Not sure which one to choose

# Cos this might be the one

# He seems like so much fun

# She knows she shouldn't race ahead

# But her heart begins to run

# Church bells start to ring

# Her soul begins to sing

# She names her kids from one to five, yeah

# This man means everything

# She sat around for hours

# As he bundles up with flowers

# He got delayed around his mate's

# It was all out of his powers

# They don't go very far

# He takes her to a bar

# The service isn't very good

# The choice is below par

# She sat facing the door

# So that he can watch the score

# On the TV screen behind her

# As the crowd begins to roar

# She has the pasta bake

# He has the gammon steak

# They wash it down with a glass of house

# Finish off with cake

# She meets his vacant stare

# Her eyes begin to glare

# What the fuck is on his mind?

# What's going on up there?

# She's nearly at her brink

# She has another drink

# She's all awash with alcohol

# The empties start to clink

# She's all over the place

# Mascara down her face

# Who's this prick she's sitting with?

# This date's been a disgrace

# She says, who am I to you?

# Just another girl to screw?

# You really are a shower of shit

# You haven't got a clue

# But then she ups and leaves

# She almost feels bereaved

# She walks away with dignity

# And vomit up her sleeve

# She's ignoring all his calls

# And is tumbling into walls

# He catches up behind her

# And she kicks him in the balls

# You can learn this lesson too

# To save you feeling blue

# Never take your date to Wetherspoons

# If you've got a love that's true

# Romance shouldn't cost a lot

# You can only work with what you got

# But just so you know what is what...

AUDIENCE STARTS TO APPLAUD

# That man was...

# Me

# That man was, that man was

# Me

-# Me

-That man was, that man was

-# Me

-That man was, that man was

-# Me

-That man was, that man was

-# Me

-That man was, that man was

# That man was...

# Me. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tom, I'm not dead.

Tom...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd