Episode 5 Live at the Electric


Episode 5

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Transcript


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THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND ADULT HUMOUR

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-Got a text, mate.

-I've got...

-It might be urgent.

-"We regret to inform you you have HIV and chlamydia.

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"Your penis is also small and gross."

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-Shit, mate, might want to get down the clinic.

-Yeah, but it might be a fake.

-Why?

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Because the text is from you.

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Damn! People don't usually save my number.

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Why are you filming this?

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Then the secret is out. The rumours are true.

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I am doing my own prank show.

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I'm calling it Spunked. It'll be like Punked.

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-Do you know what that is?

-Yeah, I worked on Punt.

-Let me explain.

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It's where celebrities are put in hilariously compromising positions.

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For example, for Justin Timberlake, they got an entire removal crew.

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-What are you going to do?

-We're going to slap Russell Kane.

-Don't.

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-Here he comes.

-Why are you filming me?

-Cos you're about to get slapped.

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-Why?

-Very good question.

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Well, he didn't find that... very funny.

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Welcome to Spunked!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, lovely humans.

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Well, double-penetrate me with your giggles.

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This is Live At The Electric!

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There's so many of them!

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Now, I am Russell Kane. Some of you slightly confused there.

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Do not do me the credit of muddling me with any of the other Russells.

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I live alone, I live in England, I'm into books, pets,

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and if a woman so much as touches me, she develops eczema immediately.

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Not really. He's just making himself look vulnerable so he can get more vag. Ding!

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Thankfully, I'm the only self-obsessed stand-up comedian in tonight's show.

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The rest of my crew are a heterogeneous bunch of geniuses

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peddling the genial crafts of sketch and character comedy. How exciting is that, yeah?

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We've even cross-bred hard rock with mental breakdown - it's too exciting.

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Hashtag pre-cum.

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I don't want to be horrible to the people that are watching the show,

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because I use this phrase myself, but as a general rule,

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the more that you use the term "random", yeah, the more horribly

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linear and predictable and ordinary your life probably is, yeah?

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"Oh, my God, it's so random. I'm walking down the street with my mate Ollie, I can't believe it!

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"Oh, my God, I'd better trip over! Oh, my God, random! Life just can't be predicted!"

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"WTF? Let's cover ourselves in hummous and go to Oxbridge immediately!"

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"Why are you being so random?" "I'm not. I'm not being random, am I?"

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"Do you even know what it means?"

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"I can't believe I bumped into my friend Tim. What are the chances?"

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Quite high. You and Tim are into the same stuff, you're the same age,

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it's barely an interesting fucking coincidence.

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It's not random.

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What'd be random is if I dressed up as a knight

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and then stuck a squirrel in your shitter. That'd be random!

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"Oh, my God! How random! I'm being raped by a woodland animal.

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"That truly is mathematically accurate, man!"

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Now, the thing is, there'll be lots of people watching, 16 to 18,

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that find it quite patronising when I say "younger people",

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implying that you're somehow not yet fully grown up.

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Let me put this very clearly to you, if you are watching this,

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aged 14, 15, 16.

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There's a quick check to see if you're fully grown up.

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Ask yourself this. If you're going, "I can't believe you're so patronising,

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"I'll switch the TV off! Excuse me, I am grown up. I know my politics, my life.

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"I'm sexually active. How dare you suggest I'm not grown up?!"

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That is the number one symptom of being a fucking child.

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Number one!

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If you are sat there thinking, "I'm a snivelling baby that knows nothing about life,"

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welcome to adulthood.

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Welcome, but not until you've slid down a fridge sobbing with that revelation.

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"My life's fucked..."

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Not until you've had a fridge slide are you fully adult.

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I find the mating game quite hard, because I developed a public...

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I play up to it on stage. It's only natural.

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People say, "You're camp." You play up to it if it gets a laugh. That's what a comedian does.

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But I'm finding it hard to seal the deal with the ladies off the stage.

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Part of it is, the angriness of sex puts me off.

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Why did evolution seek to make anger and sex in he same field?

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The natural face of shagging is quite angry, isn't it?

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"Yeah, this is the best feeling I've ever had!

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"I've never felt so good, making sweet, gentle love to you..."

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Eugh! At what point did it become evolutionary beneficial

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to look like you hate someone's guts while you're pounding them? "I really love you!"

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How much nicer would sex be if this was the natural face of shagging?

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I think a lot of guys would like it, yeah. Not too funny, though.

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You can't laugh during sex. Laughing during sex - forget about it.

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-"I'd like to try it, though."

-HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

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For some of the younger people who maybe haven't experimented

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with any sexual partners yet - don't attempt that,

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The worst one is when you're laughed OUT of someone. How horrible is that?!

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HE GIGGLES MANIACALLY

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You laughed me out!

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That's horrible, especially if that happens at the end.

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"Don't laugh!" Splat! "Oh, no!"

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# You can go hot, you can go home, you can go splat! #

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My mum calls him will.1am.

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I think we should proceed. Imagine being inside my head - I'm fucked.

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Now, make some noise.

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Clap until the mock masonry falls from the walls, for Winston!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CRACKLY INTERFERENCE

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'I like to watch.

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'That's why I have eyes, I suppose...

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'to watch things.

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'Some people think that watching is a strange and perverse habit.

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'They're right. I am both strange and perverse...

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'..only I'm different to the other watchers,

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'because I don't just watch people, places, wildlife.

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'Oh, no. My watching takes a far more sinister form.

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'I like to watch the watching.

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'That's right. I'm a voyeur voyeur.

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'I spectate the spectator.

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'Nothing gets me more excited than watching another filthy pervert

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'watching someone else, with no idea he's being watched by me.

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HE GRUNTS

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'The man preparing an ambush least expects an ambush.

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'The man mugging a child least expects to be mugged by a child.

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'And here my watcher has no idea he's being watched.

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HE JUDDERS

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HE EXHALES 'Why do I do it?'

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Not for charity, that's for sure!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Welcome, sir.

-Oh, hello.

-Who is this little one?

-This is Sally.

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How old are you, Sally?

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She's having a shy day today.

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She's four years old.

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Oh, I don't know if you've noticed

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but kids under the age of five eat for free, so...

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Oh, look at that. Oh, shoot. We hadn't no...

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Oh, we've made up our minds anyway.

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-Er, I'll have the small cheese toastie, please...

-Mm-hm.

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..and Sally will have the 15oz rib eye.

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LAUGHTER

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-15oz rib eye?

-Yes, please, with a whisky chaser.

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LAUGHTER

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Right away, sir.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now, do you know what would be much more fun than watching me

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desperately thrust for attention?

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It's giving a massive round of applause

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and welcoming to the stage Two Episodes Of Mash!

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APPLAUSE

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HE MOUTHS THANKS

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LAUGHTER

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Hello. LAUGHTER

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-I'm Joe, this is Diane.

-Hello.

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Er...this is our bit.

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We're going to do, er...two sketches.

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CHEERING

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I'll be honest with you - we may do less if we lose confidence.

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LAUGHTER

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-That's fair, innit?

-Mm.

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So, why is there a picture of an angle grinder?

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Oh, they've printed the wrong one of the pictures I sent them.

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That one was meant to be for a christening card.

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LAUGHTER

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-Right, shall we do a sketch?

-Yeah.

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First one.

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LAUGHTER

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-Are you a genie?

-Yep. LAUGHTER

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Right.

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-I was expecting a puff of smoke, or something.

-Oh, right, sorry.

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You caught me off guard.

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I was washing me hair.

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LAUGHTER

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-So, do I get three wishes, then?

-Yeah.

-Great, OK. My first wish...

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-Oh, right, yeah.

-My first wish is to be a millionaire.

-Very original.

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Fair enough.

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-Bollocks.

-What?

-Oh, shit.

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-What?

-You know... Oh, fuck.

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What?

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You know how... Oh!

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You know how I make the wishes?

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Well, I think I've left the instructions in the lantern.

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Right, well, go in and get them.

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Yes, but how I get back in is part of the general instructions,

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which are in the lantern.

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So where does that leave us?

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Ah, the annoying thing is, I can see them in there.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, you're a dickhead! How long have you been in there?

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-Dunno, about a thousand years?

-And you never thought of learning it?

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I've got Sky+.

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LAUGHTER

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-It takes up a lot of time.

-I could have really done with three wishes.

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SHE SIGHS

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What about me? I'm stuck out here now.

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-Can I stay with you for a bit?

-No.

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-Hello? Hello?!

-What are you doing?

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Just seeing if my flatmate's in.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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BAND PLAYS: "The Star-Spangled Banner"

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Hello, Britain. This is Hari Kondabolu and I'm an American.

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I recently tried some of your cuisine.

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This is your national dish?

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You plundered the world for spice and you still eat something

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that could have been invented by McDonald's?!

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"But potatoes are good for you!"

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Unless they're deep-fried.

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Fish is good for you, too!

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Unless they're deep-fried.

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Guys, stop deep-frying everything.

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Black pudding is sausage made of congealed blood?!

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Hang on - you eat blood, you have terrible complexions,

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you live in a country with very little sunlight...

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I knew it! You're vampires! LAUGHTER

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Of course, it's all about the flavour.

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It's best to add salt, vinegar and ketchup to bring out

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the natural taste...of salt, vinegar and ketchup.

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Marmite is disgusting and I know half of you agree with me.

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Do you even know what Marmite is? It's the waste product from beer.

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It's beer shit.

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And Hari Kondabolu doesn't eat shit.

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Good night, Britain.

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ooh.

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-What are you doing?

-Touching you with this ten foot pole.

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Ho-ho! Wow!

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-Makes me feel quite good about myself.

-Yeah.

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I always said I wouldn't do this, but look at me.

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I'm doing it, aren't I?

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-Thanks, Diane.

-You're welcome.

-That's it.

0:14:320:14:34

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Heads up, YouTubers.

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We're here in Joe Wilkinson's dressing room

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and he's about to get a bit of a surprise.

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-Tell them what you're going to do.

-I'm going to jump out at him.

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-Do the thing.

-Rawr!

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A tiger in my dressing room?! What the fuck?!

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-DOOR OPENS

-Shit, that's him.

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HE SOBS Fuck!

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CONTINUES TO SOB

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-Do it. Do it.

-No way!

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Spunk.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Argh!

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-I've... I've been stabbed. I can't feel my arms.

-Get help! Get help!

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No, wait!

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It's too late.

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-Do something for me.

-Anything.

-Look in my pocket.

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My wife and I are doing IVF.

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I've got to leave her something. Give my wife my baby.

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Oh! Right.

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Give my wife my baby!

0:16:170:16:20

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

0:16:230:16:25

Thank you.

0:16:250:16:27

Yeah.

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Ah...

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That's not quite the angle

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-you've got going there.

-Sorry.

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Just, yeah...

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-Put a bit of soul into it.

-Yeah, sorry.

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-Women aren't always...

-OK.

-Yeah.

0:16:500:16:54

All right, big guy. Let's make some babies.

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Oh! Ho-ho!

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Oh, God! You're good!

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That's the stuff, am I right?

0:17:050:17:07

Ooh!

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Oh! Ah!

0:17:100:17:12

You want to back up, love.

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This guy's got game!

0:17:140:17:16

-Oh!

-Go long! Go long!

0:17:170:17:20

Nn-gg! Ho!

0:17:200:17:22

Oh! Oh!

0:17:220:17:25

APPLAUSE

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Ahoy, skips. Do any other men skip?

0:17:330:17:36

This is what happens to a young, straight...

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Admittedly, I don't look straight, but I am a young straight man,

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without a woman, this happens. I didn't learn the art of pulling.

0:17:420:17:46

I've gone from nothing at all, no female attention,

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long term girlfriend, to this, with female attention and I'm still managing to eff it up.

0:17:490:17:55

For those of you that might be younger or as useless with women

0:17:550:17:59

as I am, let me give you a few tips I've discovered manually that women definitely do not like.

0:17:590:18:05

Cos I come across younger than my age and quite boyish on stage, that must be a turn on for women.

0:18:050:18:10

I'm going to play up to it in the bedroom. No.

0:18:100:18:12

The bedroom is the time to stop that behaviour, it turns out.

0:18:120:18:16

Do not try and make your language more juvenile.

0:18:160:18:20

Please can I have a blowie-wowie, please!

0:18:200:18:23

It's one that definitely does not work. Do not bring anything from Harry Potter in as well.

0:18:250:18:30

Do not put a sorting hat on a woman's head and go, "Gryffindor!"

0:18:300:18:35

That would be really good. The sorting hat decides what we're going to do in bed.

0:18:390:18:43

And your friends doing the voice from round the corner. "Bum sex!"

0:18:430:18:47

The hat has spoken!

0:18:470:18:49

There's something else, although it's worth doing it once.

0:18:510:18:54

Never ever...ever put a Berroca in a girl's fanny. Ever!

0:18:540:18:59

Don't do it, seriously.

0:19:020:19:05

For the first 20 seconds, nothing, and then it all kicks off.

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"Oh, you've got a volcano!"

0:19:110:19:14

Dante's vag! No, don't do it.

0:19:140:19:16

By the way, if you do that and nothing happens,

0:19:170:19:21

she doesn't fancy you.

0:19:210:19:23

There's one other. This is when you know you really love each other.

0:19:230:19:27

Doing it in the morning and it's thanks to American movies. "Oh, my God!

0:19:270:19:32

"Let's just do it with the light streaming on our bodies. Oh, God! Yeah! Morning sex is so good! Ye-ah!"

0:19:320:19:38

Doesn't work in Britain. "Let's do it in the morning. I need a piss.

0:19:380:19:41

"She's got dog-shit breath. It's not working!"

0:19:410:19:44

How much does it take...? "Let's do it when we first wake up,

0:19:470:19:50

"as soon as I've done this really loud horse piss."

0:19:500:19:53

Tsh-sh-sh-sh! Tsh-sh-sh-sh!

0:19:530:19:58

If you hear someone doing a really loud whizz, just forget it. Just leave it.

0:19:580:20:03

I don't put loud wee in the foreplay bracket.

0:20:030:20:06

OK, ladies and gentlemen,

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show your appreciation for the wonderful Joe Wilkinson!

0:20:090:20:12

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:120:20:16

MONITORS BEEP

0:20:300:20:33

MONITORS BEEP

0:21:130:21:16

'After pronouncing a patient is dead, don't then admit that you're not

0:21:580:22:01

'actually a doctor, but just on your way to a fancy dress party.

0:22:010:22:06

'Going through the hospital is just a great little shortcut

0:22:160:22:20

'to The Plough & Sail where Mark was having his do.'

0:22:200:22:23

APPLAUSE

0:22:250:22:28

How good was that?!

0:22:280:22:30

If you'd like even more good stuff, head to...

0:22:300:22:35

And if you want music, how about you start applauding for Nik Hill.

0:22:350:22:41

APPLAUSE

0:22:410:22:45

-Good evening, the Electric Show!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:500:22:55

-You all right?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

0:22:550:22:58

Then let's stuff it in the chuff!

0:22:580:23:01

All right, let's cut the shit. This song's really long.

0:23:010:23:05

It doesn't have a chorus and there's no real punchline to it until right at the end.

0:23:050:23:09

But aside from that, it's quite good.

0:23:090:23:12

Er... So, if you don't like it, why not try fucking yourself?

0:23:120:23:16

# It's just a second date

0:23:210:23:24

# And things are going great

0:23:240:23:26

# He says he'll pick her up at six,

0:23:260:23:28

# But he is running late

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# So she goes to change her shoes

0:23:310:23:33

# Put on a bit more rouge

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# She swaps her dress a seventh time

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# Not sure which one to choose

0:23:380:23:40

# Cos this might be the one

0:23:400:23:43

# He seems like so much fun

0:23:430:23:46

# She knows she shouldn't race ahead

0:23:460:23:48

# But her heart begins to run

0:23:480:23:50

# Church bells start to ring

0:23:500:23:52

# Her soul begins to sing

0:23:520:23:54

# She names her kids from one to five, yeah

0:23:540:23:58

# This man means everything

0:23:580:24:00

# She sat around for hours

0:24:000:24:02

# As he bundles up with flowers

0:24:020:24:05

# He got delayed around his mate's

0:24:050:24:07

# It was all out of his powers

0:24:070:24:09

# They don't go very far

0:24:090:24:12

# He takes her to a bar

0:24:120:24:15

# The service isn't very good

0:24:150:24:18

# The choice is below par

0:24:180:24:20

# She sat facing the door

0:24:200:24:22

# So that he can watch the score

0:24:220:24:25

# On the TV screen behind her

0:24:250:24:27

# As the crowd begins to roar

0:24:270:24:30

# She has the pasta bake

0:24:300:24:32

# He has the gammon steak

0:24:320:24:35

# They wash it down with a glass of house

0:24:350:24:37

# Finish off with cake

0:24:370:24:40

# She meets his vacant stare

0:24:400:24:42

# Her eyes begin to glare

0:24:420:24:45

# What the fuck is on his mind?

0:24:450:24:47

# What's going on up there?

0:24:470:24:49

# She's nearly at her brink

0:24:490:24:52

# She has another drink

0:24:520:24:54

# She's all awash with alcohol

0:24:540:24:57

# The empties start to clink

0:24:570:24:59

# She's all over the place

0:24:590:25:01

# Mascara down her face

0:25:010:25:04

# Who's this prick she's sitting with?

0:25:040:25:07

# This date's been a disgrace

0:25:070:25:10

# She says, who am I to you?

0:25:100:25:11

# Just another girl to screw?

0:25:110:25:15

# You really are a shower of shit

0:25:150:25:16

# You haven't got a clue

0:25:160:25:19

# But then she ups and leaves

0:25:190:25:21

# She almost feels bereaved

0:25:210:25:24

# She walks away with dignity

0:25:240:25:26

# And vomit up her sleeve

0:25:260:25:29

# She's ignoring all his calls

0:25:290:25:32

# And is tumbling into walls

0:25:320:25:34

# He catches up behind her

0:25:340:25:36

# And she kicks him in the balls

0:25:360:25:39

# You can learn this lesson too

0:25:390:25:41

# To save you feeling blue

0:25:410:25:43

# Never take your date to Wetherspoons

0:25:430:25:46

# If you've got a love that's true

0:25:460:25:48

# Romance shouldn't cost a lot

0:25:480:25:51

# You can only work with what you got

0:25:510:25:53

# But just so you know what is what...

0:25:530:25:56

AUDIENCE STARTS TO APPLAUD

0:25:570:26:00

# That man was...

0:26:020:26:05

# Me

0:26:050:26:09

# That man was, that man was

0:26:090:26:12

# Me

0:26:120:26:15

-# Me

-That man was, that man was

0:26:150:26:20

-# Me

-That man was, that man was

0:26:200:26:25

-# Me

-That man was, that man was

0:26:250:26:29

-# Me

-That man was, that man was

0:26:290:26:34

# That man was...

0:26:340:26:36

# Me. #

0:26:360:26:38

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:380:26:40

Tom, I'm not dead.

0:27:100:27:12

Tom...

0:27:130:27:15

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0:27:240:27:27

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