Episode 6 Live at the Electric

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

Sorry, dude...

-Where the hell are my headphones?

-I think you're wearing them, mate.

D'oh!

-Take a wild guess who designed these.

-You?

-Take a wilder guess.

-Dr Dre?

-No... It was me.

Where did you get all the material?

My little niece has got one of those furry pencil cases.

She don't any more!

-Can you actually hear anything in those?

-Not from the outside.

What about the inside?

-What the fuck is he wearing?

-His new headphones. Completely soundproof.

-So he can't hear anything?

-No. Nothing at all.

That's good, isn't it?

Did you get any of that?

Like I said. Completely soundproof.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This is Live At The Electric! Welcome.

CHEERING

# Welcome! Welcome to the show! Welcome, welcome, welcome. #

Now, tonight, you lucky-lubed comedy holes,

I present not just me doing stand-up - eff that with a conventionally shaped rod, no!

It's some of the finest sketch and character comedy

you can find performing in the UK.

We're ready to rock.

The gay glitter guns of mirth are loaded and firing,

and Liza Minnelli is dancing an effing jig of delight,

while Dale Winton looks on,

knocking one out into a supermarket trolley. Yeah?

"Think of the fun YOU could be having..." SPLAT!

That's the beautiful thing about doing comedy

in the United Kingdom, is it unites the classes, it seems to.

Whereas as soon as we're back out on the streets,

it's not fashionable,

but there still seems to be a class system in place.

I have a tale to prove the class system exists.

It happened to me not very long ago, and it takes place on a train,

in the first-class carriage.

Four trains had been cancelled - it was absolutely packed.

And I got the last seat in first class. Even first class was full - imagine it, Molly.

And there I was minding my own business,

and that would just be a pathetic little tale

of a chav who got lucky on a first-class train

if someone else had not walked on - rotund, very posh woman.

So posh, she's got pheasants hanging off her belt.

"Excuse me, that one's rather gamey, it seems to have bumped into you."

And as the train's pulling out she started staring at me, really viciously just staring.

Staring at the side of my head. I realise she wanted me to be a polite young man

and give my seat up. She wasn't disabled,

and you can't say, "You seem to be overweight.

"Why don't you take the weight off your fat ass!"

So I just sat there, and other people on the carriage

were sensing, "This is getting awkward.

"Please, no conflict. Oh, my God, please...

"Looking out of the windows..."

I thought, she's going to have a go at me for being rude.

And I've been brought up properly,

I've been brought up mostly by women, powerful aunts, nans and mums.

My arse is this far off the seat,

I'm just about to do the correct thing

and give up my seat for the older woman,

when I've realised with horror the truth of what she thinks,

because she's leant in, and she said this.

"Excuse me, young man. Are you quite sure you're in the correct section?

"It's just that this is a... first-class carriage."

"Yes, I know it is. That's why I'm sitting in it."

Working-class people become more musical when they're angry.

-SING-SONG TONE:

-"I know it IS... That's why I'm sitting in it.

"Bring the harp out, Dave."

And I've done it loud as well.

Some of the people, one old guy actually used magic -

"Expelliarmus!" He disappeared.

That's how awkward it was.

That's the end of it. Do you know what she said next? She said this.

"Show me your ticket."

Now - this is where I could feel my temper bubbling, right?

I said to her, "Look, there's no way I'm showing you my ticket."

She went, "No, no.

There's no need to lose your temper, we won't have foul language.

"Tell me where you're travelling to.

I said, "Cambridge. Not that it's any of your f..."

She went, "No, we won't have foul language.

"I too...am travelling to Cambridge."

Not, "I'm travelling to Cambridge too." Listen to the grammar -

"I, too, am travelling to Cambridge."

I've had contact with ancient languages

whose grammars are different.

"I too am travelling to Cambridge!" She said this in a loud voice

that rung like a bill through the rest of the carriage. She said,

"What I'm going to do is get off the train with you in Cambridge,

"walk you to do barriers, and announce to the inspectors where you were sitting.

"Then we'll see if you've got a first-class tickets, won't we?"

LAUGHTER

Now as the train was rolling into Cambridge, right?

Someone else stood up. Remember how small these carriages are.

He's risen up. A posh, fat, Indian doctor, he turned out to be.

We spoke afterwards. He's risen up out of his seat.

Clearly the scene that has played out

has reminded him of something from his youth.

It probably translated into race terms.

Some sort of Gandhi chucked off a train moment.

He is angry on my behalf at the small-minded prejudice.

He said this in a loud voice. I nearly died of embarrassment.

The finger went up, pointed at me, and he said at this woman's face,

"Why don't you leave him alone?

He's a comedian and he belongs here!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm like, "Please leave me alone!"

LAUGHTER

Next to him is a silver-haired man in his 60s,

watching everything play out.

Daily Telegraph on the table,

ticket on his Telegraph, ticket side up in the holder.

That's the mistake he made, right?

So the finger has gone round and rested on the guy.

"Leave him alone. He's a comedian."

He said, "This is the gentleman you should be questioning!"

"This chap here."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I swear to God. This silver-haired guy stood up and said,

"Yes, I've got a standard class ticket. What of it?"

And ran out, like that.

I've never seen anything like it in my life.

LAUGHTER

Awesome.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to make such noise

that your eardrums perforate

and blood trickles down your smiling faces

as we appreciate Jigsaw!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

DOOR OPENING

Hey, man.

-I'm so glad you're home.

-Good to see you too.

Listen, I just got off the phone to the police.

The police?

-It's about your parents.

-It can't be. They're in South America.

Yeah, I know they are, mate. I don't know how to tell you this.

They've been kidnapped. They say your dad's been executed.

Sorry, have you farted?

-Did you blow off?

-Yeah, I was a bit nervous.

Oh, God. Oh, oh, God!

-They've still got your mum.

-Phew! Hang on.

-OK, go on.

-They want money. They say they're going to hurt her.

I think their threats are real.

It's no good. It's not filtering it.

You have got serious problems!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, sorry.

Oh!

Er...

Ha ha ha ha ha.

BOTH: Argh!

Get off! Get... Argh!

THEY CRY

APPLAUSE

And now, folks, if you like mash and you like episodes,

you're really going to love Two Episodes Of Mash!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

All right?

Um...

-I'm Joe. This is Diane.

-Hello.

Uh, this is our bit. Uh...

We're, uh, we're very... chuffed to be here.

SMALL CHEER

Aren't we?

Yeah.

MUTTERS: Fuck's sake.

-What's it... Look.

-What?

-What's that?

It's one of those magic eye posters.

You know, if you stare at it and squint,

you can see a picture of us riding a unicorn.

I can't... I can't, I can't see.

Keep looking.

It's in there.

LAUGHTER

I can't, I can't see it.

Well, everyone else can.

-Really?

-Yeah.

That's brilliant.

LAUGHTER

-Well, let's do the first sketch. That's fucking brilliant.

-OK, um...

-I spy...

-Oh, I Spy!

-I Spy, I Spy.

-With my little eye...

-Yeah.

Something beginning with R.

R! It's on R! It's an R!

An R! It's an R!

R... It's an R! It's an R!

Um...

Oh, it's...ROOF OF MY MOUTH!

No.

-It's an R, but it's not roof of my mouth?

-No.

What is it, then?

Roof of my mouth!

Roof of...er, roof of my...

Roof of my...! Oh...

-Racks! Rifle range!

-No.

Roof of my mouth.

Roof of my mouth. Ruh... It's hard!

It's a ruh but it's not roof of my mouth! Roof of my mouth...

It's redundancy.

There's never a good way to give bad news, is there?

The first one, the first one. That's the first one.

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

BAND PLAYS "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"

Hello, Britain. This is Hari Kondabolu and I'm an American.

Today, I'm going to be looking at

the people that make your country what it is - your famous Britannians.

Are you all under the mistaken impression that Piers Morgan is famous in America?

Is that what he's telling you here?

Sometimes I think the only person I can trust in this country is Adele

and I'm not really sure if I can trust her either.

Do you really want to find someone like me

or are you just fucking with my brain?

Doctor Who? More like Dr Who Gives A Fuck! Am I right?

No? You all love him here? OK.

One Direction have now invaded America.

Why did their one direction have to be west?

Simon Cowell is arguably the most famous Brit in the US.

Since arriving in the UK, I've discovered how proud you are of him.

"Mate, he's a wanker!"

Wanker? That means he masturbates, right?

And this is an insult here?

Adorable.

Good night, Britain.

APPLAUSE

Show your appreciation for a further helping of Two Episodes Of Mash!

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

The second one.

"GRANDSTAND THEME" PLAYS

HE SNIFFS

HE SOBS

HE BREAKS DOWN SOBBING

-You really miss Grandstand, don't you, Joe?

-Yeah.

That's it.

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

And at the moment, dude, you're not shining.

-What do you mean?

-You've got to build an identity, i.e. e.g...

MAKES NOISE OF A HYDRAULIC ARM

Yeah, well, I guess some people don't re...

Can you see anything in those?

Not as much as I'd like.

Tsss...

Point is, when I'm rocking these bad boys, I stand out in the crowd.

I'm a crowd-surfer. Have you ever been crowd-surfing?

-Yeah.

-Well, I have. Glastonbury, 2009.

-Got crowd-surfed right out the back of the tent.

-Was that fun?

No. Someone actually fingered me. It was horrible.

Point is, after that, everyone on the campsite knew my name.

The finger guy! What do you think people call you around here?

I dunno. Tom?

They call you dickhead.

Really?

Unless they're shouting it at me.

APPLAUSE

MAN SOBS

SOBBING TURNS TO INSANE LAUGHTER

THEY BREATHE HEAVILY

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Lovely.

Now, be honest, ladies.

Just for once, be honest with the gentleman sat next to you.

There is nothing worse than a naked man. Admit it.

Admit it!

I understand, it's necessary, what's happened in body politics.

Why shouldn't woman consume male flesh with their eyes the way men have done for generations?

"Nonsense, Russell, you talk nonsense! Now we can look at Torso Of The Week

"and Cosmopolitan's nude centrefold.

"At last, male flesh consumed with our eyes, equality at last. Hurrah!"

That's all very well, girls,

but there's only so far the less visual female brain can go.

Admit it. Most of the time,

it's the last fricking thing you want to look at, yeah?

This lady over there, she doesn't want to open her Woman's Own

and see a guy with a rager next to the knitting patterns. She doesn't!

"Well, I was going to do you a scarf, Nigel,

"but now I'll have to strum one out in the utility room. I'm sorry."

And that's all very well, but what you don't realise, girls,

is the knock-on in the body politics is translating through to men,

so we're seeing male eating disorders, male body dysmorphia,

it's all starting as we go, "That must be what girls want. We must take care of our bodies."

And we also think that it's highly arousing

for you to see us walking around completely starkers.

We have no conception of how ridiculous and slightly repulsive it is most of the time

to be presented with a naked man.

Every single woman has had this, sat on the edge of the bed, GHD ceramic straighteners,

bargain from New Look, you've made the effort.

Right? You're at the end of the bed getting ready and the guy comes out of the shower and does this.

"Debbie! Look at that! Yeah, that's yours later! That is yours later!"

Yeah? Or the star jump. "Do you like that, babes? Is that what you like?

"Is that what you want?

"I'm going to talc it, bag it and give it to you later. Right?"

Yeah? That's disgusting!

Even by my standards, that was bad!

APPLAUSE

Now, welcome to the place where beard and talent coincide -

Joe Wilkinson!

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

CRASHES, GRUNTS, SOUNDS OF SPARRING

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

'If you're entering a judo competition for the first time,

'you shouldn't choose the colour of your belt

'just because you think it looks slimming on you.'

Hajime!

Urgh!

'At least I burned off a few calories hitting the floor as hard as I did.'

MUSIC: "Up From Below" by the Magnetic Zeroes

# I was only five

# When my dad told me I'd die... #

APPLAUSE

All you got to do is head to bbc.co.uk/bbcthree

for more exclusive content.

Right now, strap in for the one, the only Nick Helm!

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Hello, you!

You all right?

Yeah, good, yeah.

All right? Not you.

You look like my ex-girlfriend.

Has anyone ever told you that?

She's married now, with a baby.

What an idiot. Who marries a baby?

LAUGHTER

Ha-ha-ha!

I, um...

I knew she was going to leave me. I was talking to her on the phone.

She must have gone under a tunnel or something.

I said, "You're breaking up."

She said, "Thanks for making this conversation a lot easier on me."

Which is a shame,

because I thought our relationship was going to last for ever and ever.

That's the title of this song.

# From the moment we met to the moment we touched

# I knew you were the one, girl, I love you so much

# From the look in your eyes I could tell right away

# That the rest of our lives could begin here today

# Though we've only just met, we could tell it was fate

# We're two halves of a whole and a whole lot of great

# Now we've both made a choice and our love's running thick

# I'll have one pair of tits

# And you'll have one dick!

# For ever and ever

# I'll love you for ever

# And ever and ever

# And ever and ever, my dear

# I'll love you forever and ever and ever

# And ever and ever, it's clear

# When the meteors strike and the land turns to dust

# I'll still love you, my dear

# On my love you can trust

# I'll be holding your hand, I'll be touching your skin

# I'll be smelling your hair

# Won't you just let me in?

# I'll be there through the wind I'll be there through the rain

# If I've popped out for five minutes, I'll be right back again

# When they lay me to rest, you'll be right by my side

# You'll be right there with me

# Even if you're alive!

# Sexy baby!

# I'll love you for ever and ever and ever

# And ever and ever, my dear

# I'll love you for ever and ever and ever

# With me you've got nothing to fear

# Dinna-ninna-day-oh

# Dinna-ninna-day-oh

# Dinna-ninna-day-oh

# Dinna-ninna-day-oh

# Dinna-ninna-day-oh

# Dinna-ninna-day-oh

# Dinna-ninna-day-oh Dinna-ninna-day-oh

# Don't you dare turn your back on this love that we've found

# I've got nowhere to go I'm just hanging around

# I'll be there after work I'll be there on your porch

# When you turn out the lights I'll be holding a torch

# You'll be there in your house as I watch from afar

-# When you look out the window I'll be sat in my car.

-Mondeo!

# There's no saying no cos my love never stops

# No, I won't let you go Girl, I think you are tops!

# Fuck me, baby!

# For ever and ever and ever and ever

# And ever and ever, my dear

# I'll love you for ever and ever and ever

# And ever and ever, it's clear

# For ever and ever and ever and ever

# And ever and ever and ever and ever

# And ever and ever and ever and ever

# And ever and ever

# Ever, ever, ever and ever

# For ever and ever For ever and ever

# For ever and ever and ever and ever

# And ever and ever, and ever and ever

# And ever and ever and ever and ever

# And ever and ever and ever and ever!

-# And ever!

-Ever!

-And ever!

-Ever!

-# And ever!

-Ever!

-And ever!

-Ever!

-And ever!

-Ever!

-And ever!

-Ever!

# I won't let you out of my sights! #

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Ah, this is a brief announcement.

Would the enormous doofus standing in front of me

please check his headphones and see what I've done to them?

Oh, great. You've cut the wire and put a dollar sign there.

You are welcome. People are going to be calling you the dollar dude!

-Or just the guy whose headphones don't work.

-That's not as snappy.

Either way, at least they won't be calling you prick any more.

Well, they're still broken.

Not broken - customised, dawg.

And that is why my nickname is Dr Dre.

-All right, prick.

-Hiya.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd