Episode 7 Live at the Electric

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

-I feel so sick. I wonder why.

-Is it because you went out last night?

Have you seen the photos already? Damn you, Facebook!

-I'm not friends with you on Facebook.

-I've got them here.

Who was taking these photos?

I wasn't drinking on my own. I was with Ramos, the security guy.

Fucking hysterical. You probably wouldn't get on with him.

-Yeah? I've heard he's a little bit of a...

-Rodney, you plonkers!

-Oh-oh!

-How hung over you are from last night?

-Pretty hung over!

When I left, you were lying in the middle of the road

being sick like a pig.

I thought, "This guy, he is definitely going to choke!"

Oh, that really hurts, Ramos.

-Tom, this is Ramos.

-Hi, I'm Tom.

Oh, almost grabbed your dick there.

Pretty sure you did.

So, we are still on for round two tonight, and I can meet Russell?

Dude, mi amigos es tu amigos.

Whatever, so long as they are not Rodney plonkers. Or gay.

Hello, hello, hello!

Hello and welcome to Question Time. I'm David Dimbleby,

and tonight I'll be talking to Baroness Warsi

about migrant workers within the European Union.

Not really, I'm Russell Kane, this is Live At the Electric

and throughout the show, I'll be referring to my helmet. Hooray!

Please join me tonight, succulent bastards, on a comedy foray.

I am your solitary stand-up guide,

merely a fluffer for your stimulation.

And only when you're at full comedic tumescence

will I allow the delicate insertion of sketch comedy,

character comedy and even a glutinous money-shot of music.

I call that "Stephen Fry on Viagra,"

or Fry-agra! Neh-heh!

So anyone from Essex in?

-Give me a cheer.

-CROWD CHEERS

Love a bit of Essex, that's where my old man was from.

That's where our beach hut was.

Got my house in Westcliff. I love it there.

My favourite bit of graffiti I ever saw was in Essex.

It's just the mixture of working classness

and grooming is absolutely brilliant.

"I'm a total chav but my hair is perfect, yeah?"

"I'm going to kick your face in, Gary, but with top quality shoes!"

About a year ago, my life went tits up.

I ended up back at my mum's

and I was having a sofa day where you're shivering under the blanket,

like, "eurgh," just eating soup. And everything...

..it's the smallness of a mum's world that's consoling.

Mums bring everything smaller.

"It's all right, love. Just shut the doors, come back to your Mum.

"You're never too old to suckle. Shhh."

And I was lying on the sofa, and it was just over a year ago,

cos it was when the revolutions were starting in the Arab Spring,

and I think it was, erm....

it was, it was Egypt at the time and I was watching it,

and you know what drama queens are like,

everything that happens is a reflection on our behaviour.

"Oh, my God, there's revolution. Misery's all over the world.

"It must be spreading from my heart into the Middle East."

I took it as a metaphor for my own sadness, how pathetic is that?

"Oh, those poor people in Cairo! Eurgh...wah!"

And I looked over and saw my mum's face.

You know the working class face that's a bit smiling

with thickness, like that?

There are people running from their homes, Mubarak kicking off,

and my mum's watching it like that. I was like, "Why is she smiling?"

And then she got my heartstrings with this,

when I realised how small her world was. She said this.

"You know what this means, don't you, Russ?" "What, Mum?"

"Bargains to Sharm el-Sheikh."

That was her only thought.

My mum and her boyfriend Danny... urgh, she's got a boyfriend, urgh!

Please don't put your willy in my mum! Please!

Anyway, they went...the first week

that the British Embassy recommended it was safe to travel,

Mum and Danny was like, "Right, bargains to Sharm, here we go!"

And I was like, "Mum, I don't think you should go.

"You're the only person I can rely on. I literally need you."

"Russ, do not..." these were her exact words,

and there was a printout from her dot matrix printer bought in Makros.

She's like, "Russ, do not panic.

"I am fully insured with insureandgo.com."

"I have full insurance off the website."

I was like, "Mum, do you honestly think that's going to cover you?"

And she went with this insurance,

and there was a couple of days where the phone lines went down,

you couldn't get a line out to Sharm and I was panicking.

And she phoned the next day, she went, "Russ, don't panic.

"Everything's fine at the resort."

And why would you leave the resort? Never leave the resort.

Put your arm-band on, just feed from a fucking trough like that.

All-inclusive trough.

Just droppings coming out of your arse like that.

Just feed from the all-inclusive trough for a week and go home.

This is her actual words. "Russ, don't panic. Don't get me wrong,

"you can hear distant noises of battle."

Distant noises of battle!

"But the weather is molten, and that's all that matters."

And I was like, "Mum, I don't think you should stay."

"Russ, I'm fully insured with the insurance off the website.

"Platinum level cover."

She honestly believed that an online insurance company

could protect her against anything.

Like she's going to end up on YouTube in an orange jumpsuit going,

"People of Britain, do not panic. I am fully insured.

"They cannot touch me,

"although you did try to behead me, didn't you, Mehmet?

"He was very naughty on Day Four."

"I cannot get through her neck, she's powerfully insured.

"I do not understand."

Some Italian al-Qaeda there for you.

"Hey, I'm a revolutionary, I cannot help it!

"Oh, mamma mia, we have a revolution!"

Now, you won't hear me say this very often,

but some things in life shouldn't be shaven.

And one of them is Joe Wilkinson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I got a job jumping out of a cake.

But I didn't know we were running late.

So when I jumped out of the cake, I was still in the back of the van.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, are you sure you're OK to identify your brother's body?

Yes.

In the accident, he did lose his legs.

And his arms.

And his torso.

And his head.

That's him.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm so excited,

I've split my skinnies with the turgidity of arousal.

Make some noise for Two Episodes of Mash!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

This is our...our bit.

Erm, it's short,

so it won't take long, we'll be out of your hair soon. Erm...

-Won't take long, will it?

-No.

-No.

Stay with us.

Erm, why is...why is there a wordsearch...?

It's in case the audience gets bored during our bit.

Give 'em something to do.

It's a brilliant idea.

If you get bored, have a look for "Elephant."

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Found it.

Good, you've found it already.

Anyway, Joe, how was your birthday the other day?

Oh yeah, it was good...

'Oh, Christ, a bit of my spit just hit her in the face.'

'He just spat in my face.'

'Oh, I don't think she's noticed.'

'He thinks I haven't noticed.'

'Ohh, she's noticed, I can tell.'

'Oh, I can feel it on my face.'

'Why doesn't she wipe it off?'

'I really want to wipe it off, but then he'll know that I know

'that he's spat on my face.'

'Wipe it off, it's weird!'

'This is disgusting.'

'Disgusting.'

'Oh, thank God for that.'

'Oh, it's gone. Thank God for that. Maybe she didn't notice.'

'Dirty bastard.'

-Sorry, what?

-Nothing.

-That's it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We all like a drink. Who doesn't?

Some of us like a couple.

Again, what's the problem?

But there's always that annoying voice

in the back of your head saying, "You shouldn't drink too much."

Well, now you can drink too much with Too Much,

our new premium strength super lager.

You can drink Too Much with family or even on a first date.

But don't drink Too Much too much, or then you'll have had FAR too much.

And remember, don't drink drive.

Drink Drive!

Part of our new energy drinks range. Teetotal but still enjoy a night out?

Drink Drive! What could be safer?

You can drink as much as you want before driving,

but don't drink Too Much before driving.

And remember, please drink responsibly.

Responsibly!

Now available in new apple, strawberry and cherry bomb flavours.

Now you can drink Drive, drink Too Much

and drink Responsibly all on the same night.

You can enjoy all of these drinks sociably,

but I prefer to drink alone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hold aloft your comedy plates

for further helpings of Two Episodes of Mash.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE GAGS

Urgh.

-Diane.

-HE GAGS

-Diane.

-What?

Come and have a look at this.

What?

Oh, g...! A-agh!

Urgh!

Urgh!

-Oh, is that what I think it is?

-Uh-huh.

Oh, God, it looks like it's still beating.

Oh!

Should be, I've had it over an hour.

God, it's nothing like what you see on the front

of Valentines cards, is it?

No.

Except that there's an arrow sticking in it.

Where did you get it?

-Well, you know how I work for Children's BBC?

-Yeah.

Well, erm...

..urgh, we had, erm...

we had David Blaine on the Dick and Dom show, you know.

He was doing his new stunt.

He was going to go 48 hours without two of his major organs.

-That's a hell of a stunt.

-Oh, you'd think so, but no, no, no.

Cos they took out his appendix, you know, it was fine,

big round of applause, and then they took out his heart,

and Dom held it up in the air like something out of Highlander.

-That sounds hilarious!

-No, no.

Then what happened?

Dom pronounced him dead ten seconds later.

Oh, God, so...what are you doing with the heart?

Well, they gave the appendix to one of those organ donation places.

Right, well...

..wouldn't it have made more sense to give them the heart?

Well it's a bit late for that. I've stuck an arrow in it now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It has everything. Big dogs, little dogs, donkeys.

And it's like in my Top Five Funniest Pornos

because her face is not only expressing horrible agony

but it is also a deep sorrow. Ha-ha-ha!

-That's quite sad.

-"Am I bovvered? Does my face look bovvered?"

What is your favourite type of comedy?

Erm, I like American stuff.

-No, I don't really like stand-up from there.

-Oh, yeah.

Which ones don't you like?

Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Whoopi Goldberg, Bill Cosby,

Martin Luther King.

Why's that?

Lost in translation, I guess.

Cool! Well, I will let you two amigos bicker on.

I've got to go clean the loos for, like, the rest of the day,

so I'll see you in the pub.

Oh, another trip to the toilet. We are suspicious of you!

Suspicious that he is a fag.

Let us pray he is "the only gay in the village!"

Yeah, that's...great.

Let's cross to our correspondent.

He's from the place where chips are fries and so are the prisoners.

Zzz! "I didn't mean to murder!" Zzz!

It's Hari Kondabolu.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "The Star Spangled Banner" by Francis Scott Key

Hello, Britain. This is Hari Kondabolu and I'm an American.

The British have a rich history and a multicultural society.

In your museums, you can see artefacts

from all over the world for free...

..that Britain took from all over the world for free.

Stolen, stolen, stolen.

Hey, that's my grandmother's!

Unlike the UK, the US doesn't steal other people's shit.

Except that time we stole America from the Native Americans.

But it was just that one time.

And since then, it's not like we go into other countries and take stuff.

What?

In America, drinking at lunchtime means you have a problem.

In Britain, NOT drinking at lunchtime means you have a problem.

The Rolling Stones are one of the greatest bands

in rock and roll history.

The key word there, of course, is "history."

They're so old.

"Move like Jagger?" How about breathe like Jagger?

Chew soft food like Jagger.

Be grateful you can open your eyes in the morning like Jagger.

I think it should be illegal to have sex with one of them.

Way too close to necrophilia.

And what about your culture of losing?

That's why it's so ironic that the UK's hosting the Olympics this year.

It's like a birthday party where all of your friends receive gifts

instead of you. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mum's worse.

I can't afford the operation.

Come with me. It's going to be all right.

-Tom and I have sorted everything.

-What do you mean?

We've robbed the bakery.

You little beauties. How much was in the till?

Till?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How good were they?

What about when people over-pronounce a word

to show they're familiar with the language? Showing off.

"I'll have some pizza, please,

"and I'll have some "ch-ala-penyo" on that!"

Say Jalapeno, you dick!

"Yes, I'd like some extra "ch-ala-penyo!"

That's what Spanish people are like, they're like snakes.

They have to dislocate their jaw to greet each other. "Buenos dias!"

"Buenos dias." "Buenos dias tardes!"

Amazing, innit? We fantasise about Spain...fascinate English people.

We move there, we go on holiday there.

We just fantasise about living there, it's just so opposite to us,

so warm and relaxed and family focused.

They go home and have a little kip at lunchtime. Imagine that.

"I go home, I sleep for a bit. See you." "That's fine."

"You're sacked, wanker!" That's what would happen here.

They meet together at lunchtime. I was doing a gig in Barcelona

and there was just a table set out on the street,

and there was mum and dad and the kids at five in the afternoon.

Nan was there in her black shawl and they were having food together

and they were eating little bits of food throughout the day

and making it last and enjoying life.

It couldn't be more different to Britain.

"I starved myself all day, ate nothing, got in at 11 at night,

"had a massive meal, kicked my fucking nan in the face,

"went to work the next day."

American people might be watching this. Are you having fun?

It's really different watching stand-up in the UK

to watching it in America. Comedy in America's like, "Woo-woo!

"Don't even listen. Let's cheer anyway! Hooray!"

I went onstage in New York, got it completely wrong.

It's so hard for an English person to mess a gig up in America.

Whereas Brits, we start from "Prove yourself, dick,

"and we'll build slowly, yeah? Don't give him too much.

"We paid 15 quid, let the little shit work his nuts off."

Whereas in America it's like, "Whoo, we'll give you a pushoff, buddy, it's for you to mess it up. Hooray!"

Now, you think, as a comedian, I would prefer that, don't you?

But you're forgetting what it's like to be British.

As soon as we see something special we want to spoil it, don't we?

It's the finest hotel, what a shame someone's kicked a fucking sink off the wall!

That's the way we're programmed.

So I went out in America, "Come on, he's probably from Lon-don.

"Am I saying it right? Lon-don. Hurray! Maybe he'll bring us i-rony."

And they were so friendly.

You know, I'll come on and I'll say hello, do a few jokes about myself.

I sort of grounded myself on the stage a bit.

It was so positive that that British thing of spoiling it - smash it up! - just came into my head.

Like, "Woo!" and I went, "Good evening." There was a guy sat at the end, enjoying the comedy,

it was Greenwich Village, an arty guy with a beard sat on his own.

"Woo, yeah, he's from London, I'm looking forward to this. All right!"

I went on and went, "Good evening. You look like a paedophile," to the guy, and that was it.

I didn't say hello, I didn't say my name, I just went straight for the beard paedophile joke straight away.

And the whole room went, "Oh, my God, is that humour where you come from?

"Monty Python?

"Is that funny, to say somebody's a sex offender?

"If that's i-rony, we don't need it, buddy."

Imagine that in the UK! "Good evening. You look a bit paedophile."

"He does look paedo! Chase him into the alley and kick his head in!

"Give the kids back, you beardy wanker!"

If I fell down those stairs now, right, broke my ankle,

the series was cancelled and I was carried out having, like, a proper fit from pain,

it would be minutes before one of you sadistic shits said, "I know it's wrong,

"because he's crippled and he'll never perform again, but that is the funniest thing I've ever seen."

APPLAUSE

'I had forgotten that my flatmate Mark had put his violin

'in my double bass case.

'So when I opened it I wrongly assumed that

'my double bass had shrunk.'

'Even after I realised my mistake,

'it still made for an incredibly awkward audition.'

APPLAUSE

Now, if you're not yet at satiation,

head to bbc.co.uk/bbcthree for even more amazing stuff.

Talking of amazing stuff, he's stuff and he's amazing. It's wonderful!

It's Nick Helm!

APPLAUSE

-Good evening! Are you all right? AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

-Who here's single? SOME VOICES:

-Whoo!

-It's good, innit?

-Yeah!

RATHER DESPERATELY: It's good!

HE GIGGLES

I love being single! Fucking love being single.

Prowling the streets every night like a fucking hungry wolverine.

Not knowing where your next fucking meal's going to come from,

I fucking love being single.

HE GRUNTS

All right...

-What's your name?

-Gemma.

-HE BELLOWS: That's a nice name!

Gemma. Gemma.

Watch me for the changes, boys.

Look at me.

# I remember just the other day, oh

# How you took my heart and ran away, oh

# Nothing's going to be the same

# Isn't that a crying shame?

# Take my mind off, read a book, no

# Don't give you a second look, oh

# But it's not that easy somehow

# Want this all to leave me now

# I'm coming to get you

# There's nowhere to hide!

# Get your face out of my head!

# Come to me or go and bother someone else instead, oh

# I want you back, want you back by my side

# I'm coming to get you

# There's nowhere to hide!

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

# Ooh

# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

# I want you back, want you back by my side

# Coming to get you There's no place to hide. #

BAND PLAY CODA

Leave him.

APPLAUSE

Why is taking that guy so long? I'm ready for some shots.

Yeah, I really have no idea actually.

-I got an idea. Gobble-gobble-gobble, splussssh!

-HE GIGGLES

'Hey, man. Wow. That guy was WEIRD. Erm, I've gone home so I'll see you tomorrow. Byeee.'

Yeah, he's...

-He's gone home.

-He has gone home?

-Yeah.

-Why?

-We were going for shots. I can't believe!

-I'm sorry.

HE SOBS

Everybody who gets close to me ends up drifting away!

And I know why.

It is because...

I am different.

Hey, come on.

It's good to be different.

You're shaking.

Sorry... I think you got the wrong idea.

Am I bothered?

Does my face look bothered?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media