Episode 8 Live at the Electric

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

-End of series drinks!

-You keep calling them "end of series drinks".

-End of series orgy.

-Who's going?

-Erm...just us two at the moment.

-Maybe don't call it "orgy".

-Yeah, I'm not going to.

-A real shame if people miss this! The line-up is fucking nuts.

-Is it?

-Who's DJ Surround Sound?

-You're looking at him.

"Stick 'em up. The building is surrounded...

-"..by sound."

-Special guest rapper, too.

That drum and bass ain't going to MC over itself.

-So that's you, as well?

-Yeah.

What's your rapper name?

Well, my nickname at uni was "The Mole",

because I'd spy for the dean, so my rap name is The Mole-ster.

-Oh, yeah. MC Molester.

-No, The Mole-ster.

-Fuck! Do you reckon they're all the same?

-Probably.

-I doubt we'll get through them all, anyway.

-Well, suits me just fine.

We're going to need them for the after party. Roach paper!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, humour junkies,

to the dirty cellar that is Live At The Electric!

CHEERING

I am Russell Kane and I cover up the pockmarks of emptiness

in my personality with wankerish hair and jeans

that are tighter than a Scottish dad in a London pub.

"I'm not payin' that! That's ridiculous!

"Make the wall taller, Angus! Make the wall taller! Attack!

"Attack, Angus! My cock's naked underneath."

I don't... That implied that a cock is sometimes clothed.

Anyone who is having individual clothes on their penis, seek help.

"Look, I put a wee jacket on the fella!"

These trousers, I don't wear them cos I carry them off. Look at me.

I wear them because I'm so messed-up I'm castrating myself on purpose.

I'm disarming my own gonads with my skinnies.

"He's so vulnerable. We'd better have sex with him, anyway." Ding!

Enough about my milky gay meets. What about this show, yeah?

What the eff is this show?

Don't panic, it's not just another stand-up show. Much better, folks.

It's me introducing some of the hottest new sketch

and character comedy coming through right now. How exciting is that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're right to applaud,

cos it's going to rock like a ho's crack pipe, yeah?

We're coming at you like my nan's Nissan Micra on ice

going through the Co-op window in 2008.

Dead now, so...

It's going to be so good, we're going to hurt you over and over.

We'll hurt you so bad, you'll be rocking back and forth. We're going to hurt you, honey bun.

You might want to put some Sudocrem on that chaffin' we be causing.

That's some crazy jive talk, right there. Hmm!

Can I just apologise, cos that is what happens

when you bottle up this much energy without a woman in your life. I'm no good at pulling.

There's certain... I think because there's a disproportionate representation of men

on TV at the moment that are good at pulling -

your Russell Brands, Mark Wrights - that women just think that anyone,

especially when they do what I do, must be great at pulling, but it's just not true.

Most men, 99.9% of us, never really learnt to pull.

We weren't the silver-tongued cavaliers.

We were at school and if a girl so much as looked at us,

we went off like a party popper full of Elmlea. We were those guys,

who didn't learn anything.

It's a wonderful image, but quite gross in a way.

Wonderfully constructed, but foul.

I never really learnt the skill of pulling,

and what I've learnt is that, really, there's no in-between

stage with a woman, you know, the way there is with a man.

Men are constantly on a medium level of ready-to-shag,

I would describe us.

We're not ready to shag completely the whole time,

but at a medium level. "It's breakfast time, I could have sex.

"It's lunch time, I could have sex.

"It's dinner time, I could have a shag.

"It's in my sleep, I'm spunking in my sleep.

"I've got food poisoning! I could still have a shag.

"I've got depression, I could still have a shag.

"Shag-shag-shaggedy-shag, could have a shag!" The whole time.

Just a medium level of ready-to-mate, whereas what

I've discovered, most women don't really have an in-between gear.

There's nothing, followed by the shag gasket

blowing in the back of the head. Psskkk!

Then a really unreasonable demand to have sex straight away.

So, nothing, nothing, nothing, psskkk, fuck me!

Fuck me-e-e-e! Psskkk.

There, travelling up and down the country,

there's quite different rules. Of course, the best women are where I'm from, the Essex females,

Absolutely unbelievable. The females in the country most...

They're not worried about taking the lead, at all.

For those guys here lucky enough, to have had a girl try to pull them,

it's surreal,

because also, woman have not really learnt the art of pulling. They haven't needed to.

And I'm not making this up, this was a genuine chat-up line from an Essex female.

They haven't really had to work on their banter.

Tulisa - "Here's a tit, will that do?"

I'm not making this up to be disgusting.

This was a genuine chat-up line from an Essex female. Genuine.

I went, "No, I can't, I don't want a drink. I'm up early."

This was her actual banter. Gentlemen, this is the highest grade

we can expect from a woman when her shag gasket has blown. It was this.

"I want you to take me back to yours and fucking ruin me!"

"Ruin". "Ruin".

APPLAUSE

"Ruin"?

Now, show your appreciation for WitTank.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Charlie... Charlie, is that you?

Father.

My boy... My dear son.

-I don't think there's much time left.

-Please don't say that.

I fear these may be my final words.

Please don't go.

Charlie, I must tell you something.

Something important.

Yes. Yes, of course.

It's for your mother...

..to protect her.

What is it, Father?

Delete...my internet history.

Urgh.

APPLAUSE

LIVELY DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

She is hot.

-I'm going over.

-I can help. I'll be your wingman.

Oh, so unnecessary. Thanks, though.

Hi. I don't normally do this. I was just watching you from over there.

-My name's Dan and...

-I know he seems a bit creepy at first, but he's really nice.

-Sensitive. He cries loads.

-I don't.

-You cried last Tuesday.

-My grandfather had died, so...

No. Secret Millionaire, that was it.

It was a very powerful episode.

Anyway, this is my friend Nat.

-So are you from in London or...

-He's not a wimp, though.

-I hope not.

-He hit a woman at Christmas.

-It so wasn't like that.

-I was handing her a punch...

-Oh, you did hand her a punch!

-Shut up!

-Not the face!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, it gives me such great pleasure

that I'm at the point of semi-turgidity,

as we welcome to the stage, the wonderful, Two Episodes Of Mash!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

-Hello, how are you doing?

-Hello.

-I'm Joe, this is Donna.

-Diane.

Diane.

This is the last show, eh, so we thought we'd...

Oh, we're just going to do sketches, aren't we?

Couldn't think of nothing else.

Had a bit of a brainstorm and...nothing.

All right, darling, why Sabrina?

Well, it's the last episode. I thought we could celebrate.

What?

Well, when you type "celebrate" into Google,

that's the first picture that comes up, for some reason.

Can't argue with the internet.

-Shall we do a sketch?

-Yes.

First one.

HE COUGHS

Don't.

Don't.

Seriously, don't.

Why did you... Why did you tell me Michael had died, when he hadn't?

What... Don't, seriously!

Why?

Why did you tell me Michael had died, when he hadn't?

Is it because I cry Vimto?

APPLAUSE

Just buy a can.

APPLAUSE

Wow, you've put in a lot of effort.

I've been here since last week's show.

This is why you went for a cage theme?

-No, I decided that before I found this place.

-Happy coincidence.

-Are you sure you need me?

-Yes.

-And to go with the cage theme I want you to have these.

-Why?

Because you, my friend, are going to be playing...

-EVIL VOICE:

-The jailer.

-Let's see your best jailer impression.

-Um...

Ooh-urgh!

Shut up in there!

That's really good. Try with that.

EVIL VOICE: Your execution's on Friday.

If you're lucky, your neck'll break on impact.

But either way there's no God.

Yeah?

What's that?

This, my friend, is the most powerful strobe on the market.

They call it the detonator.

-Boom!

-How much was that?

-Got it for free down my local laser shop, kept setting people off.

-What do you mean?

What do you think I mean?

Boom!

HE CRIES IN AGONY

What's this?

-That's a sick bucket.

-There's already sick in there.

I know, I am super nervous about people turning up.

APPLAUSE

Do you know mouth-to-mouth?

Because you take my breath away.

Probably for the best. Halitosis.

Oh, you've caught me staring at your legs.

I'm sure I'm not the first and I daresay I won't be the last.

Unless he drags you into the woods and cuts them off.

I'm actually a bit of a singer-songwriter myself

and you've certainly inspired me.

Yeah, he'll probably go home tonight and knock one out.

APPLAUSE

And now coming up for the second time, two episodes of Ma-a-a-a-d.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

HE CLEARS THROAT

There you go.

What's this?

My stool sample.

I don't want this, take it away.

I lost the little tub so I just popped it inside a Quaver packet.

I don't care. Take it away, I don't want this.

There's only a couple of crisps in there, look.

Take it away, that's disgusting.

No, I lost the tub, there's hardly any Quavers in there.

-That's horrible, I don't want this.

-Well, I lost the tub.

-It's not that.

What is it, then?

-This is an upholsterer's.

-It's a proper joke!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We did it!

We did it! Bring on some flowers.

We did it!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MUSIC: Star Spangled Banner

Hello, Britain. This is Hari Kondabolu and I'm an American.

Today I will be analysing things you're doing wrong.

Unlike the US, you have buildings that are over 500 years old.

So, what do you do?

You urinate on them.

Stop pissing on everything.

Do I need to house train a nation?

Hey, bad Brit, bad Brit.

Drinking tea is very healthy for you

because it reduces the amount of fat absorbed by your stomach.

But pouring milk into it reverses this.

Good work, Britain. What next?

Are you going to put sleeping pills into Red Bull?

Actually, don't do this, because your dreams will be fucked up.

You've invented so many sports

so why are you so bad at all of them?

Also, the bar for becoming a knight is way too low.

Elton John is a knight, man. That dude never killed a dragon.

You need to kill at least one dragon to be a knight.

Do not kill Duncan Bannatyne.

So that was a few of your mistakes.

I couldn't address all of them because we just don't have the time.

Hey, hey!

I wanna go home.

APPLAUSE

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS IN RESTAURANT

I did not ask you to be my wingman.

I do not want you to be my wingman!

Why d'you do this? You just ruined my night!

You don't get it, do you?

I'm in love with you.

Ah! Ha-ha-ha!

Agh! Your face!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Jigsaw, ladies and gentlemen - how good were they?!

Now, applaud till your radial bones break through your forearms

for the one, the only...

Lady Garden!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Fashion, put it all on me

# Don't you want to see these clothes on me?

# Fashion, put it all on me

# I am anyone you want me to be

# Fashion... #

'Scuse me, babes - where did you get those glasses from?

-Primark, £5...?

-They look very vintage?

Ugh! They're vintage Primark?

Free vintage my mum.

Mummy lost her virginity in this. I like my clothes

to have a story behind them?

-To be meaningful?

-Er, yeah, me, too.

This is vintage '80s miners' strike?

Very vintage.

You guys ever heard of someone called...

Will-iam Shakespeare?!

Very vintage!

This is actually vintage -

the Great Plague!

Darlings - this is

to die for!

LAUGHTER

ALL: Very vintage!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Lady Garden there!

Now, give me a cheer if you're not from the United Kingdom.

-WHOOPS

-That's quite a lot of you - you're all foreign, aren't you?

-HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

-..comedian.

LAUGHTER

-HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

-..comedian.

There's people going, "Oh, my God, he's done an accent,

"I hope it wasn't a person of colour, I can't be sure.

"Cover me in copies of The Guardian and tell me when it's over."

APPLAUSE

Heckle him with a quail's egg! Heckle him!

He's not left-wing enough!

I think I detect Estuary vowels! Here's a tomato -

that's sun blast, you pikey mo-fo, take it in the face!

Anywhere else? Yeah.

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-There's an Aussie in the front row!

look, nestling! Little Aussie there right in the front row!

That's why you have your badge on, don't ya?

There's a weird mix of culture in Australia -

the most laid-back people in the world,

but they love rules at the same time!

The opposite to the Brits - we're completely uptight,

but then, "Sod the rules, piss on a bus stop, hooray!"

LAUGHTER

The Australians are the complete opposite, it's like, "Hey, mate

"do whatever you want on the beach,

"but you will lay at the correct angle at all times."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's important!

APPLAUSE

Love 'em, great country. Tera-noonga-nunga-ninga,

is that we're you're from?

How do you guys ever get home when you're drunk?

Think of the British people - go out tonight,

whether in the north, the south, wherever you are, even in Scotland,

it doesn't get that hard to say, apart from,

Ecclefechan.

If I go out, just get completely... If you must.

Don't get rat-arsed, but if you must get rat-arsed,

at least you know you can get home. Fall into the taxi -

"Get me back to Lu-ton.

"Hull.

"Croy-donn.

"Get me back to Glas-go,

"Pais-ley, Car-diff,

"Car-diff!"

It's not as easy as that if you're in Australia.

If you're British and you get drunk -

"Get me back to Terabungananga...

"I'm staying in Neranangani...

"Just leave me in the desert, let the chooks eat my eyes, mate!"

No, it's not easy.

APPLAUSE

It's time, ladies and gentlemen, to blow you out of your living rooms

with the one, the only Joe Wilkinson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CLOCK TICKS

KEYBOARD CLICKS

PHONE RINGS

PHOTOCOPIER WHIRS

PHONE RINGS

CLOCK TICKS

KEYBOARD CLICKS

PHONE RINGS, DOOR BUZZES

OFFICE SOUNDS INCREASE IN VOLUME

SOUNDS STOP

The Patents Office is an embarrassing place

to find out that someone's already thought of

tinning apricots.

LAUGHTER

Unfortunately, the same goes for peaches, pineapples

and kidney beans.

HIGH-PITCHED WHINE: Fuck!

APPLAUSE

Now, if you're loving it this much,

imagine how good it is at...

..where exclusive content is waiting to spatter all over your face.

Talking of spattering over your face, it's time for music

from the amazing, the unbelievable

Nick Helm!

WOLF-WHISTLE FROM AUDIENCE

GIGGLING

Fuck you.

LAUGHTER Seriously, mate, fuck yourself.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

And you're so fuckin' perfect.

LAUGHTER

I used to... I used to be a 34 fuckin' long.

Now I'm a 38 regular.

Which means I'm not only getting fatter, I'm getting shorter.

I mean, I don't...

I mean, I don't even...

I don't even believe in myself any more.

We believe in you, Nick.

LAUGHTER

What?

We believe in you.

We ALL believe in you, don't we, boys and girls?

Yes!

What about you, at home?

LAUGHTER

Well, you don't have to believe in me.

There's only one thing you need to believe in...

GUITAR PLAYS OPENING RIFF

Hwah! # There was a man It wasn't long ago

# He didn't believe in himself

# I asked him why He said he didn't know

# Now he believes in himself

# I knew a girl down the end of my road

# Spent her whole life thinking she would explode

# I asked her why She said she didn't know

# Now she believes in herself

# If you only believe in one thing

# You gotta believe in yourself

# If you only believe in one thing

# You gotta believe in yourself

# Call your dad Get him on the phone

# I'm tired, I'm weak I'm scared, I'm alone

# Said, pull up your socks Roll up your sleeves

# You don't need no cure You've just gotta believe

# If you only believe in one thing

# You gotta believe in yourself

# If you only believe in two things

# Make sure one of the two is yourself

# Do I really believe in myself?

# I really believe in myself

# Do you really believe in yourself?

# I really believe in myself

# Do you really believe in yourself...? #

LAUGHTER

Yeah!

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

That's not the correct response.

LAUGHTER

# Do you really believe in your...? #

Fuck it! Are you working with me or against me?

LAUGHTER

We've got her fucking it up, half the audience

didn't even bother fucking clapping!

LAUGHTER

This is harder than it looks!!

One, two, three, four...

# Do you really believe in yourself?

# Do you really believe in yourself? #

Why would I say the same thing twice?!

LAUGHTER It is call-and-response!

I ask a question, you fuckin' answer it!

One, two, three, four...

# Do you really believe in yourself? #

Yes.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Do not applaud someone getting it wrong!

All right, prick...

One, two, three, four...

# Do you really believe in yourself?

# I really believe in mysel...! #

That's how you do it!

Little louder! # Really believe in yourself?

# I really believe in mysel'...

Like you mean it! # Really believe in yourself?

-# I really believe in myself.

-That's right!

# Do you really believe in yourself?

-# I really believe in myself

-Just the ladies!

# Really believe in yourself?

# Really believe in myself

That's pathetic! # Really believe in yourself?

# Really believe in myself

Little louder! # Really believe in yourself?

# Really believe in myself!

Mmm.

Now the men! # Do you really believe in yourself?

# Really believe in myself!

Everybody! # Do you really believe in yourself?

# Really believe in myself!

# Do you really believe in yourself?

# Really believe in myself!

Little louder! # Do you really believe in yourself?

-# Really believe in myself!

-Little louder!

# Really believe in yourself!

-# Really believe in myself!

-Little louder!

# Better believe in yourself!

# Really believe in myself!

# Do you really believe in yourself?

# Really believe in myself!

# Do you really believe in yourself? #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks for the fuckin' pyrotechnics...!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good work.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

HIGH-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Here we go!

# When I was young, it seemed...# MUSIC STOPS

What the fuck?

Dude - it's 4am.

I don't think anyone's coming, they're probably at that nightclub.

Maybe I should have made it nightclub-themed.

It's still a great effort.

We've had fun, right?

To be honest,

had a lot of fun this whole series.

I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but...

Might as well use the smoke cannon.

Cool, well, let's just, er, go to the nightclub then.

Shit.

-You fucking idiot!

-Hand me the keys.

-They're made of plastic!

Cheap, made-in-China bullshit.

The cleaners don't come till 10.

Well, that's lucky. Cos I heard this place goes off until Monday.

Hey, word of advice -

keep those leathers on.

I vanna see you sveat!

DANCE MUSIC STARTS UP # Stand up! #

DANCE BEAT THUMPS