Episode 1 Live at the Electric

This programme contains some strong language

-Are there any questions so far?

-Yeah, are the fire exits located...

Does anyone know the way to Buckingham Palace?

-I want to meet the Queen. Excuse me, please.

-What are you doing?

Disculpeme. I am Fernando Paritso, the new Spanish exchange.

-Go slow, please.

-OK, I see.

You haven't seen my colleague Tom anywhere, have you?

Knowing him, he's probably round the corner screwing a hot chick.

Right, well, if you see him, could you give him his piles cream.

-He left it in the toilet.

-Sure. Not that he needs it any more.

-Moving on. These are gobos.

-El gobos!

-Pulleys.

-El police.

-Me no smuggle drugs!

-That's Diane and Joe.

-What a strange bearded man.

-Fuck off.

-(Don't worry, it's me.)

-I know. Fuck off.

Now, remember, the audience will be able to hear you back here

so keep quiet or, if you're going to say something, make sure it's funny!

Ha-ha-ha, OK, yeah, joke's over.

I'm not really a hilarious Spanish character, I am actually your boss.

-Oh, my God. Your false nose is brilliant.

-This is my real...

THEY LAUGH

-Tom, we all knew it was you.

-Yeah?

Well, when I'm wearing a real disguise

you won't even know I'm in the room.

Well, that's something to look forward to.

Right, do you want to start the show, Tom? Tom?

Tom? Who is Tom?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, dearest comedy sucklers, this is Live At The Electric!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, listen, if you get aroused at the thought of sketch

and character mirth exfoliated from the British comedy scene

then you've flicked the right bean of your remote.

Not only that, not just sketch and character, you get me, the fluffer.

The jester sat outside the theatre brokenly bobbing

and priming you for full comedy penetration.

That's my job. "Go on then, love, you ready for your sketches now?

"In you go."

You know when I put myself down, don't panic. Some people are like,

"You can't be negative, people won't trust you."

You don't get it. It's easier to hate yourself, isn't it? It's very British.

It's a sort of Twitter troll immunisation. Think of it like that.

"I hate you, you spiky-haired twat, I wish you were dead!"

"Yeah? Well, I hate myself more and I wish I'd never been born. I win!"

# It's weird but it works! # Take that! Goth logic.

Now...

APPLAUSE

We learn pretty early on whether we're going to be dominant

or dominated, yeah? Our siblings help us learn that.

Some of us are horrible little shits till we're up 11

and we make up, for the rest of our lives, being the underdog,

like me, because I wasn't the underdog between the age

of nought and 11, cos I had a younger brother.

Who, in the room, has got younger siblings? Give me a cheer.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who are the younger siblings?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How much reedier and weak was that cheer?

"No, please, don't punch my BCG!"

How many of those people, at home, right now,

who are the older siblings, feel weirdly guilty about some

of the cruel and twisted shit you did to your younger brother?

The things you devised. Do you know what I boiled it down to?

When you get a bit older you can't do it

because the little shits tell on you, don't they?

"I'm going to tell Mum."

In fact, why do we inflict that age gap, mums and dads of the land?

Three years, isn't it?

Most of you watching this will have a sibling approximately two

to three years older than the younger.

The worst possible age gap.

What does that mean? I'll tell you what it means.

It means they're just,

just old enough to join in with all the shit you do.

A small, crap version of you,

devaluing everything you ever achieve. "I want to join in."

"Join in with that!"

You can't tell, especially if you've got a dad on the scene,

that is the purpose of dads in a working-class neighbourhood anyway.

A House of Lords, an unelected official who comes in at the end

of the day and goes, "Anything to report?" to the second office.

"Anything to report?" "Nothing, sire, nothing."

"If anything, my halo is so bright it might offend thee."

Look at those of you, "I didn't even have a dad." You lucky fuckers!

I used to find clever ways to wind my brother up.

Blinking was my thing. I don't know if anyone else did this?

I boiled it down to just going, "Ee-e, ee-e, ee-e." For hours.

"Ee-e, ee-e, ee-e." "Stop blinking!" "Ee-e, ee-e, ee-e."

You know, he'd wake up in the morning and I'd be over him,

like that, with his Ready Brek, going, "Ee-e, ee-e, ee-e."

There was nothing my mum could do. It was full diplomatic immunity.

"Stop blinking."

"Think about what you've just said, mofo."

The only way you could do it was to get them to join in with games they weren't physically ready for.

Knowing they would be hurt as a consequence, yeah?

"Let him join in."

"No problem, let him join in. Let's play jump off the wall, jump off the wall!

"We're going to play jump off the really high wall!"

"Ahh!"

"Oh, no..."

"What are we playing today?"

"Dance around the rusty spike until the music stops."

"Ahh!"

"Oh, no, you got hepatitis! Random!"

Right, so, as we're here in this broken down British theatre,

how about another broken down British institution?

Ladies and gentlemen, here's The School!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jones, are those the Headmaster's?

Yes, we've run out of polish.

Christ, Jones, you don't have to do everything he tells you to!

I know!

Well, if it isn't James and the giant prick!

You're the prick, Jones. Ah, I see you finished. Just in time.

I've been out shit walking.

-Morning, headmaster.

-Fuck you.

Right, we need a new drama teacher.

I could always teach drama...

What happened to Mrs Cooper?

I showed her my nuts, she lost her complaint so I sacked her.

I'm worried I might be losing my touch.

-Well, we need to find a replacement immediately.

-A replacement?

-Well, I could always...

-Yes...

It's just I can't think of anyone who'd want to do it.

-Excuse me, I...

-I suppose Jones is always free but he's just so useless.

God, no, we can't use Jones. He can barely eat without fucking it up.

You're right, I shouldn't have mentioned it.

If there's one thing I know for sure is that Jones could never

teach drama on account of being a totally useless...

I CAN do it!

I am young and Father has left home.

Ahh!

The wall approaches.

Ah!

Headmaster.

Follow. Help me! Don't search me!

I'm teacher.

Children, hide.

Ha-ha-ha! Rebirth.

Inexplicably, I am a puffin.

HE GIBBERS

HE SQUAWKS

I am loyal to Headmaster. And, in a show of his approval, he joins me.

I'm instantly erect. What?

I have butterflies in my stomach.

Also...a flump.

He turns to me and says, "I've always loved you."

He calls my name. "Jones, Jones, Jones..."

-Jones!

-Oh, headmaster...

-Jones!

-Oh, headmaster...

-He thinks that's me, doesn't he?

-I think so, sir.

Still got it.

Lovely(!)

I never want to see that again.

Now, it's time for our resident flaneur, raconteur and bon viveur.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Marcel Lucont.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Salut.

I am Marcel Lucont, France's premier misanthropist...and lover.

Tonight, from me, some sex advice...

..because you need it. You need it.

In English, the way you talk of sex, so bizarre.

How baffling is the term "blow job".

It's a misnomer. Blow...job.

It implies it is some kind of task.

Well, of course, we know it is an honour.

I say let's call it what it is -

a suck treat.

So...the education begins here.

This, of course, we know the 69, the soixante-neuf,

a classic sex position but...

..so many more you are missing out on.

In my opinion, every bit as classic.

It's where the man simply lies there and the woman gets on with the job.

APPLAUSE

Here, a couple attempt a 69 while another tries to sleep.

It's a classic from the student days.

This is a man attempting to fuck an angry cobra.

It's quite an advanced move.

Now, with a king-size bed, so much more can be achieved.

This couple have taken with them, to the boudoir, a stepladder.

Little bit of fun.

Oh...this shepherd is not guarding his flock!

APPLAUSE

I know what you are thinking.

"Oh, Marcel, with this it could be a bishop maybe..."

It's not.

It's not a bishop.

THIS is the bishop.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

"Oh!"

APPLAUSE Don't shoot the messenger.

And, finally, why not bury some treasure beneath the bed?

True reward for a job well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How brilliant is Marcel?

Now, Barry Norman, Jonathan Ross and Claudia Winkleman -

it's time to move you over because this is Film Fizz!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Film Fizz.

-Ryan Kessington, hello.

-Hi, Chris.

-And Alison Stephens. Hi.

-Yes.

So, four hit films, five years and millions of fans worldwide,

you must be devastated that these films are finally coming to an end?

Hm, let me think about it.

Er, underage girls screaming at me, 17 months filming in Bolivia.

Let me just run that through a computer.

Oh, it's come up saying, "Happiness not found."

So, Alison, how are you feeling now it's finally over?

There's this one time we were on set and...

I had a cheese sandwich and it had cheese in it,

and I ate the cheese but I didn't like the bread.

Will you stop telling that story? Jesus Christ!

I'm not going to miss working with THAT.

So, you didn't enjoy the role at all?

Hm, well, there was that one time on set when I got my bollocks trapped in a harness

and, for one brief, beautiful moment,

the pain made me forget where I was.

I put the bread in my pocket and I ate the cheese.

OMG, seriously?

Hollywood Reporter have just been told that LR Sophie

has finished writing a new Vampire Boyfriend trilogy.

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, God, that would be awful.

Oh, God, just imagine, after everything I just said!

PHONE RINGING

It's my agent.

Yeah, Tia, hi. I just heard.

Right, how much are they offering?

Sure, yeah, I'll do it.

Film Fizz exclusive.

Ryan Kessington is going to be in the new Vampire Boyfriend trilogy.

Exclusive.

-Well, guys, I wish you all the best of luck.

-Argh!

Yeah.

Yeah, I really can't wait

to put those jagged vampire contact lenses back in.

My sandwich.

Sorry to bother you! Except I'm not.

My name is DCI Sweener.

-Is your name Tom?

-Erm, well, there is another Tom.

Tall geezer with very blue eyes and a normal sized nose?

-I'll speak to him later.

-Right, well, good luck finding him.

He's a master of disguise.

Now, I don't want to intimidate you...

except I do.

-Sorry, what's all this about, Detective Wiener?

-Sweener!

Now, you're in a lot of trouble...

except you ain't.

Well, am I or aren't I?

Yes, you are but it'll all go away

if you sign this here police form what everybody signs.

Well, I have to speak to my lawyer, obviously.

And I'd better just check the small print.

Oh, yeah, I'm not going to sign this.

Tom, I can see through your disguise.

Yeah? Well, good luck seeing through this.

Is that supposed to be a smoke bomb?

Tom?

Tom, I can see you.

CHEERING

Right, it's better than one episode of M*A*S*H

but not quite as sickening as three.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Two Episodes of Mash!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

-ALL:

-Hello!

-I'm Joe, this is Diane.

-Hello.

-Er...

..we're back for the second series thanks to a clerical error!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we've got a green screen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On this we can...

we can project...anything.

What shall we project up there?

I don't know. I haven't really thought about it.

Nor have I.

(Shit, what are we going to do?)

We've got to put something up.

Otherwise we're going to look really shit.

What if we put corn on the cob up there?

-Why? Why?

-Well, we both like corn on the cob.

-That's a really good idea.

Can we put corn on the cob up?

I don't really like the look of that one. Can we change it?

Not that one.

No. No.

No.

No. No.

No. No.

No. No.

No...

No. No.

No. No.

No. No.

No.

No. Oh, yeah, I like that one!

Yeah, can we keep that one?

Let's do the sketch.

Just had a... Actually, just had a thought. Can we...?

Can we take that off? It's distracting.

-Diane?

-Yes?

Fancy a game of Guess Who?

Yeah, all right.

The board looks different.

Yeah, I've changed it to faces

we know of people who are in the middle of a custody battle.

-Why?

-To make it more interesting. Do you want to go first?

Yeah, all right.

Erm, does he have limited weekend access to the kids

but still has to pay for the upkeep of the family home?

-Yes.

-Is it Mark?

-Yes.

APPLAUSE

-They all look a bit disappointed.

-Oh, yes.

Actually, we...we can't end like that. I can't...

Could we...?

As a finale, could we, can you put a crossbow up?

And then spin it?

There's your big finish. Come on.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, a while back, I imagined what it would be like

if everyone in Essex could only speak in Shakespearean verse

and then I thought,

"Where's my camera crew? That could be quite compelling."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Kiss me, Daveutio.

Kiss me deeper than a Tweet by the Dalai Lama.

Ooh-hoo-hoo, aye, my love, and then what?

Then rod me, dear Daveutio.

Destroy me like an African currency.

-Go at me so thy legs do quiver in randy irritation of an Elvis.

-Yes?

But I was thinking, on this, our weekly shag night,

we might other avenues explore? Hm?

Avenue?

The motorway of my lust is ablaze with cat's eyes.

Do not leave my engine purring upon the hard shoulder of thy love.

Oh, well, well, but mean I perhaps another lane?

To be a-laying with me should be enough.

Aye, aye, lay we will

but see how love's drive might another passage take.

If our sex doth move along the speedy road,

then what of its dual carriageway?

The TomTom of thy lust be diverted,

thus travelling from the country into the south.

Oh, most vile Michael Jackson sleepover.

Thou meanest botty sex.

Nay, nay, nay. Put so, it sounds so wrong!

Yes.

Get out our love chamber!

For thou hast presumed upon another chamber

whose doors are firmly locked.

I'll do it slowly.

Take a Mr Muscle wipe to thy mind

for it has been smeared with the dark wrongness of bum love.

Burger me, I am unkinged.

The whopper of my love rejected so that no meat remains.

Goodbye then...Love.

-Hand job?

-Yeah, all right.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

See you in Hollywood, bitches!

Now, to keep my energy up

there's nothing I like more than a curry

and I've brought enough for everyone tonight.

It's Paul Currie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ahem.

# Doo-doo doo-doo. #

MUSIC: "Cavatina" by Stanley Myers

GUN CLICKING

GUN CLICKING

GUN CLICKING

HE SOBS

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, who's coming on? Right, yeah.

Wow...do not take any drugs and watch what just happened.

I'll continue flicking your clips

long after the show has finished at...

That's it from me and my little lightning rods - goodbye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi. Are you OK?

Yeah, no, I'm fine but...

-Are you lost?

-Yeah, completely.

-It's, like, a maze in here.

-I know.

I always carry my survival kit, in case I get lost!

Erm...

sometimes getting lost can be fun.

If you're with the right person.

Oh, I'm sorry, that was...

No, er, no, no. It's fine.

-I can sign for this.

-Yeah, thanks.

Nice signature.

Nice hands.

Nice lips.

Wow.

-TOM'S VOICE:

-You huge newbie!

What?

Ha-ha-ha! I wish you could see your face!

-How did you...?

-I can't believe you fell for that.

Wait, why did you kiss me?

See you on Monday, newbie.

Or should I say "Buttface"?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd