Episode 2 Live at the Electric



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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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-Internet's down again.

-Oh, no! Now I can't watch farmyard porn.

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-Yeah, it's really bad. It's frozen on a woman having sex with a pig.

-Really?

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Very funny.

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Joke's on you cos I've actually seen 90% of the piggy porn out

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-there already.

-Gross. Have you called the IT guy?

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I have called the nerd hotline, yes.

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-One very spotty dork coming right up. That's why I brought my towel?

-Why?

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Because as a jock, it is my duty to ass whip him!

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Oh, speak of the nerd and he shall appear. I thought I could smell skid marks.

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-All right, guys? Hear you got a problem with...

-Urgh!

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Nipple gripple! Dorkazoid!

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-Hey, man. I'm Tom.

-Hey. Mike. What's the problem?

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-I just dragged this file into network settings.

-You did what?! Holy shit!

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We've got about ten seconds. This whole place is going to blow.

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-Nah, you're all right. I'll fix it.

-Cool.

-Ha-ha-ha! Why were you late?

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-Did someone wedgie you?

-I didn't think I was late.

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-What's your name again?

-Mike.

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-Mike... Your parents didn't give you a chance, did they?

-LAUGHS

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-Classic dork. Glasses.

-I'm not wearing any.

-Spots.

-Shorts?!

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-And shorts!

-You're wearing shorts.

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These aren't shorts. They're three-quarter lengths.

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Basically trousers, except...you don't look stupid wearing Crocs.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, milkers at the teats of comedy,

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-this is Live At The Electric!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yup. Yes.

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I am bursting with inapprops excitement this week.

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My gang of sketch and character comedians are booted up and ready to go.

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We weren't popular at school, but at least now we've found our niche. Niche.

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I still can't believe I'm hosting this cracking show.

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I remember when I was a kid, my dad used to say,

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"It's tough now, son, but don't worry, it only gets better."

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Did he eff say that?! "Life will always be tough!

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"It gets harder, if you don't die of something 'orrible!"

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My dad, he was a proper Essex geezer. Have we got any Essex people in the room?

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CHEERS

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One of my best friends as well, Eve, is from Essex. You know when someone's so Essex,

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it's almost like they've got a disability from it?

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"I'm so Essex, I can't move from it, Russ."

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Everything she says is crippled in her vocal chords. Massive. Massive amounts of vowels.

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"Do you want to go for a sambuca-a-a-ah?"

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Pronounce everything that can be pronounced wrong is

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pronounced wrong. It was amazing. Her boyfriend's called Mickey.

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By the way, I'm not making these up. That would make me a good writer.

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These are things that actually happened to me. "Mickey bought me some of that underwear.

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"It's right sexy." What did she say next? "It was that agent prov-oh-cay-tah."

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When she was trying to woo Mickey, that was my favourite one. "Mickey, the guy who owns the car

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"garage across the road. I sent him a pair of knickers in the post to try and entice him.

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"I downsized a bit, sent 14s, didn't want him to think I was fat."

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Genuine quote.

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I'm from Essex. The more regional you get in Essex, the more the regional rule applies.

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I've recently started dating a girl from the north. That's right. Northern girls.

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-< Yes!

-Look at a man cheering! "Yes!"

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"Mate with our females! They're right high quality, those!"

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"Our Sharon's got a lovely vulva!"

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No, I've been... I'm seeing a girl from Manchester.

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That's how they have sex in Manchester. "Yeo-oh, don't stop.

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"Yeo-oh, don't stop. Hacienda!"

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It's going really well. I've been really impressed with girls from the north.

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They're stereotypes that I thought were stereotypes, but they're true.

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I love the strength of northern women. I'm the type of guy that can walk out of a shop cos

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I didn't get the assistant's attention. I didn't pay, I ran out, I couldn't get his attention.

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"It's all right, babe. I'll go in. I'll sort it out. You stay in the car."

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The type of girl that's going to just go, "Don't worry. I'll break his fucking collar bone for you.

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"You bastard!" Those women. And also, really grateful for affection.

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Down south where I'm from, in Essex, it's considered needy

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if you just stare at a girl the whole time you're out.

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"I don't want to take my eyes off you. "I'm going to wait outside the toilet while you're in there."

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But up north, "It's so nice the way you gave me attention all night.

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"It wasn't like stalking for me and I'm from Manchester.

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"We'd never do that." This is a genuine quote, by the way.

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Please tell me, ladies from the north, that this girl is winding me up. It cannot be true.

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I worry for you gentlemen from the north, if this is true.

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"It was so nice the way you held me after we did what we did last night.

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"A man from Manchester would never do that. It's very rare." Oh, my God! That cannot be true.

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That's just standard where I'm from. "Oh, we had a sexual experience.

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"Let's hold each other and watch Twilight. I love you.

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"Let's straighten each other's hair while we cry about our orgasms.

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"Uh-huh-huh-huh."

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What the hell is going on up north, gentlemen?!

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"I've ejaculated, I'll be in the shed."

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APPLAUSE

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Right, let's shake the soft drinks can of entertainment because here is Film Fizz.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hi, and welcome back to Film Fizz.

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OK, Liam will only be answering questions about Lethal Assignment 4

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and do not, I repeat, do not ask him about any of the rumours.

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Absolutely. Wasn't going to. What rumours?

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So, Liam Watson, what a pleasure to meet you. How are you doing?

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Super, thank you. It's a pleasure to be in Britain.

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I tried fish and chips for the first time. I never want to leave.

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So, when you were filming Lethal Assignment 4,

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you had to spend a lot of time away from home. Did you get homesick?

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-What does he mean by that?

-He's asking you if you got homesick.

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-As in "gay"?

-No, as in you miss your home.

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No, I didn't.

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I'm always travelling on the road and like I say,

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home is where the heart is.

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So, in the movie, you do all of your own stunts.

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OK, this interview is over!

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-"Doing your own stunts" is gay slang for fisting.

-No, it's not.

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How does he know I'm gay? Who showed him this photo?

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-Ask him if he's seen it.

-Have you ever seen this photo?

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-Well, I have now.

-What does me mean by that? Why did he say that?

0:07:010:07:04

All right, just stick to questions about the movie, please.

0:07:040:07:07

So, Liam, what was your inspiration

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for the char...film character in the movie...in the film?

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My boyfriend. By which I mean...my wife. It's a pet name for my wife.

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OK.

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Nailed it.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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How good was that?

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Now, an act so influential to me, I've removed my Prince Albert

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and replaced it with a King Edward. That's right.

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It's Two Episodes Of Mash.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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-Good evening. I'm Joe. This is Diane.

-Hello.

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Oh!

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-Tonight, we're going to do something magical.

-Can I take it off.

-No.

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Turn it on.

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We're going to make history because this here that Di's wearing,

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my Aunty Pam made.

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Basically, using this equipment, Diane can control what

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pictures come up on the green screen, just using her mind.

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AUDIENCE: Woo!

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So, go on then. Put...think something and put it on the background.

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-Is that an Eccles cake?

-Yeah, I really fancy an Eccles cake.

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Can't have an Eccles cake. Think of something else.

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Don't make it bigger, you prick!

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-Think of something else.

-I'm trying, but I really fancy an Eccles cake!

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-Got the taste for one.

-Think of something else, you dick.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-I'm thinking about punching you.

-Yeah, I gathered that.

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Right, think of an Eccles cake then.

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Let's do the first sketch.

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Thank you.

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HE WHISTLES TO HIMSELF

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Hiya.

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Hi, love. You all right?

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Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

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SHE SOBS

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-Everything all right?

-Yeah, yeah, everything's fine!

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-Well, clearly there's something wrong.

-Nothing's wrong!

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What's wrong? Just... What's wrong?

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Just tell me. What's wrong?

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-If I tell you, do you promise not to get angry?

-I don't know, do I?

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-I don't know what's happened.

-Promise?

-Just tell me!

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I crashed the car!

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APPLAUSE

0:11:030:11:05

Not again.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:11:130:11:16

Two Episodes Of MASH. Give it up.

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Wittank now, guys who are so sketch,

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they can only be pictured in soft pencil.

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Make some noise for The School!

0:11:320:11:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:11:350:11:37

Jones, you know it's the French listening exam today?

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France isn't real!

0:11:530:11:55

Is it?

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Well, if it isn't Anthony and Cleotwatra.

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-Morning, headmaster.

-Shut up and listen.

0:12:000:12:03

One of the exams has gone out of control. There's French everywhere.

0:12:030:12:08

-What do you mean?

-I mean...

0:12:080:12:11

MUSIC: "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" by Edith Piaf

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It's spreading.

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Don't be so silly.

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HE SHRIEKS

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-Do something!

-I'll call the police.

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-What the hell's going on?

-OK, everybody just stay calm.

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Qu'est-ce que c'est?

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He's infected!

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HE YELLS

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THUNDEROUS CRASH

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Bonjour.

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Oh, God, it stinks! Let's get out of here.

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Not you as well! Get away from me!

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Both of you, get away from me!

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No! No!

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MUSIC SWELLS

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Merci.

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ACCORDION PLAYS THE CAN-CAN

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DISTORTED MUSIC

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Haw-haw-haw!

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No-o-o-on!

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End of examination.

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-Thank God it's over.

-Yes.

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But I'm worried it's history next.

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What? No, it isn't. I'm just going to a...

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..a meeting.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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That was Wittank.

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Now, let's extend our hand of friendship up the M1,

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divert it on the A1 due to a lorry fire

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and make some noise for Lucy Beaumont!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello. I'm Lucy.

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Some people have described me as quite odd,

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but I always say I'm not odd, I'm from Hull.

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People pick on the way we speak, you know.

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I've never been insecure about it before

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but I was talking to this man in the street in London

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and he was like, "Whoa, where's your accent from? It's mental!" Like that.

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And I went, "From the East Coast."

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And he went, "Say East Coast again."

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I went, "East Coast,"

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and he went, "Aw, bless you."

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And he had no legs.

0:14:500:14:52

But they do say that people are friendlier in the North, don't they?

0:14:540:14:58

I mean, I think we are, in Hull.

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But I wouldn't go clubbing in Hull.

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The last time I went clubbing in Hull was for a school reunion

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and we ended up in this real dodgy bar,

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and there was a woman on the table with her top off

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and all these men, like, stood leering around her

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and me friend went, "Don't look, Lucy." Like that.

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And I went, "Why?"

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And she went, "It's your mam."

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I know. But my mum does worry about me, though.

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You know, walking around on a night, and she said if I'm ever on me own

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and I think there's someone following me,

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all I have to do is just bend down and pretend to be a chicken.

0:15:320:15:37

Like that. I know. And there was this time I was on me own

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and there was this man behind me

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and I went to bend down and I thought,

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"I'd just rather him attack me. It'd be less embarrassing."

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But, like, we all make mistakes, don't we?

0:15:490:15:52

I know this hairdresser in Hull. She's made a big mistake, actually.

0:15:520:15:57

She was cutting this man's hair recently, like this,

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and when she finished, she held up a mirror

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and she went, "What do you think?" And when she looked down,

0:16:030:16:07

his hand was moving up and down underneath his gown.

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I know. She hit him over the head with the mirror

0:16:100:16:13

and she went, "What do you think you're doing, you dirty bugger?"

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He went, "I'm cleaning my glasses so I can have a look."

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Thank you.

0:16:200:16:21

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The lovely Lucy Beaumont!

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CHEERING

0:16:280:16:30

So I'm hiding in the cupboard and her dad walks in.

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Shit, man, you must have been bricking yourself.

0:16:350:16:37

No, I was quite chilled out cos I'd been on that weed, remember?

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Oh, yeah. Awesome.

0:16:400:16:42

-(HIGH-PITCHED):

-Ha-ha!

0:16:420:16:44

Nelson from The Simpsons.

0:16:440:16:46

I do a good Bart, as well, but then my balls dropped.

0:16:460:16:50

Bart's actually played by a woman.

0:16:500:16:52

Cool fact. Do you want to see a magic trick?

0:16:520:16:55

"Do you want to see a magic trick?" Yeah, go on. This should be good.

0:16:550:16:59

-Right, imagine there's a salt shaker there.

-OK.

-Pick it up.

-OK.

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Now shake the salt into your mouth.

0:17:040:17:06

-Abracadabra, you're sucking a dick.

-A man's dick.

0:17:070:17:09

Obviously it's a man's dick.

0:17:090:17:11

By the way, I think you meant to put this on my back. Here, you hold it.

0:17:110:17:14

I'll turn around for you.

0:17:140:17:16

What? It's what the sign said.

0:17:170:17:19

-I should do that more often.

-What, kick him?

0:17:210:17:23

Should do more than that, mate.

0:17:230:17:25

Don't let a freak like that walk all over you.

0:17:250:17:27

-I've stabbed a man for less.

-LAUGHS: Yeah!

0:17:270:17:30

Seriously.

0:17:300:17:31

If he'd have kicked me, or you for that matter, I'd have stabbed him.

0:17:310:17:36

Why? Do you carry a machete?

0:17:360:17:37

Machetes are for pussies.

0:17:370:17:39

I like to get close.

0:17:450:17:46

Now, people often say that despite my Essex roots,

0:17:510:17:55

I speak in a mellifluous lyrical lilt,

0:17:550:17:57

as if I was scripted by the Bard, Shakespeare himself.

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But I say no, because that would sound like this.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:040:18:07

Oh, pluck out my pussy-loving eyes.

0:18:180:18:22

The cat is dead.

0:18:230:18:24

Oh, Tiddles!

0:18:240:18:26

Oh, speak not the furry bastard's name. Tiddles.

0:18:260:18:30

And to be thus run from life by a Nissan Micra Verve,

0:18:300:18:35

a car of city convenience that doth inconvenience our hearts.

0:18:350:18:39

Five gears shifting the acceleration of my grief

0:18:390:18:42

so that tears, like brake fluid, do spill over the chassis of my cheeks.

0:18:420:18:46

Goodbye, fair Tiddles.

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For much like one of your ferocious morning curl-offs,

0:18:490:18:52

you are dug and buried.

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No strokes, no purrs, no hugs in bed.

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For life's dry of pussy now Tiddles is dead.

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Pussy!

0:19:060:19:07

Pussy!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:130:19:16

OK, he's been a hit with all the ladies backstage,

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or at least he's been hit by a few of them.

0:19:200:19:23

Please welcome Marcel Lucont!

0:19:230:19:26

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:260:19:28

Mesdames, messieurs,

0:19:390:19:42

a brief extract now from my next book,

0:19:420:19:48

a manual for the sex addict...

0:19:480:19:52

..entitled Thinking Outside The Box.

0:19:550:19:58

I present to you 50 actual ways to leave your lover.

0:20:040:20:11

Walk.

0:20:190:20:21

Run.

0:20:240:20:25

Swim.

0:20:270:20:29

Location dependent.

0:20:300:20:32

Bicycle.

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Motor bicycle.

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Tricycle.

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Unicycle.

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Segway.

0:20:450:20:47

Tractor.

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Tank.

0:20:520:20:54

Telephone.

0:20:540:20:56

Telegram.

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Television. If she is worth it.

0:20:580:21:02

Telepathy.

0:21:060:21:07

Telemarketer. If she is not worth it.

0:21:090:21:12

Mail.

0:21:140:21:15

E-mail.

0:21:150:21:17

She-mail.

0:21:180:21:20

Exotic.

0:21:230:21:25

And for the more advanced,

0:21:270:21:30

plant seeds in her garden, or a nearby hillside,

0:21:300:21:35

arranged in such a way that when they bloom,

0:21:350:21:38

they form a perfect picture of you fucking her best friend.

0:21:380:21:43

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:430:21:47

Sign up together to run a marathon.

0:21:520:21:55

Five minutes in, tell to her your ankle is hurt,

0:21:590:22:02

but you will catch her up.

0:22:020:22:04

Then run back to the start

0:22:090:22:11

and use the following five hours to get home, pack all of your bags...

0:22:110:22:16

..and catch the flight to Mexico,

0:22:220:22:25

using the sponsorship money you have raised.

0:22:250:22:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:310:22:35

COUGHING AND RATTLING

0:22:550:22:57

What was that?

0:22:570:22:58

We've got a live one! We've got a live one!

0:22:580:23:01

Sometimes we get a live one, which we have to deal with.

0:23:240:23:27

Right. Shouldn't we have tried to resuscitate him or something?

0:23:270:23:31

-Yeah, then we don't get paid.

-Oh.

0:23:310:23:34

This one's going to need a closed coffin

0:23:340:23:36

because it's been shot in the face so many times.

0:23:360:23:39

APPLAUSE

0:23:400:23:43

Now please welcome a lady who mixes sexy and miserable so well

0:23:480:23:52

that if misexerable was a word, she'd be that.

0:23:520:23:56

Hang on, I've just been told misexerable IS a word.

0:23:560:23:58

It means a flaky rash on the scrotum brought on by vitamin D deficiency.

0:23:580:24:02

Sorry. What she is is absolutely bloody brilliant.

0:24:030:24:06

Make some noise for Loretta Maine!

0:24:060:24:09

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:090:24:11

Hello.

0:24:150:24:17

Thank you. I'm just going to do a quick soundtrack.

0:24:170:24:20

# I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding! #

0:24:200:24:22

Can you hear that? Is that OK? Is that loud enough? Great. OK, um...

0:24:220:24:27

I'm here to sing some songs. Um...

0:24:270:24:29

My songs are off my new album I'm Not Drunk, I Just Need To Talk To You.

0:24:290:24:33

The, uh...

0:24:360:24:37

The song that I'm going to sing for you now,

0:24:370:24:40

I actually wrote for my new boyfriend.

0:24:400:24:42

He was supposed to be here tonight, but his wife went into labour, so...

0:24:420:24:46

Selfish!

0:24:480:24:49

# Sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down

0:24:530:24:56

# Sometimes it goes the other way round

0:24:560:25:01

# Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad

0:25:010:25:04

# Sometimes it feels like I'm going mad

0:25:040:25:08

# Stop looking at me

0:25:080:25:10

# But keep looking at me

0:25:100:25:12

# But stop looking at me

0:25:120:25:13

# But come closer

0:25:130:25:15

# Stop looking at me but keep looking at me

0:25:150:25:19

# Sometimes I feel bipolar

0:25:190:25:22

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:250:25:28

# I'm 29, not going far

0:25:300:25:35

# No tax to dodge like Jimmy Carr

0:25:350:25:39

# A record deal, no boyfriend too

0:25:390:25:43

# Sometimes it feels like life is shitting on you

0:25:430:25:45

# Stop shitting on me

0:25:450:25:47

# But keep shitting on me

0:25:470:25:49

# But stop shitting on me

0:25:490:25:51

# But come closer

0:25:510:25:53

# Stop shitting on me but keep shitting on me

0:25:530:25:56

# Sometimes I feel bipolar. #

0:25:560:26:00

Some people don't think this is a great introductory song.

0:26:010:26:06

But to those people I say FUCK YOU!

0:26:060:26:09

The same people don't believe that I'm bipolar.

0:26:090:26:11

Well, yes, actually, I am bipolar.

0:26:110:26:13

I was bipolar back when it was called manic depression.

0:26:130:26:17

Of course I'm bipolar. All the best people are bipolar.

0:26:170:26:20

The magazines have told us that.

0:26:210:26:24

# Stephen Fry, he is bipolar

0:26:240:26:27

# Catherine Zeta Jones, she is bipolar

0:26:270:26:31

# Kurt Cobain is...was bipolar

0:26:310:26:36

# Mel Gibson is probably bipolar

0:26:360:26:39

# Amy Whitehouse was bipolar

0:26:390:26:43

# Katie Melua wishes she was bipolar

0:26:430:26:46

# Kerry Katona - shock horror - is bipolar

0:26:460:26:50

# Sinead O'Connor is a nun!

0:26:500:26:55

# Stop looking at me, but keep looking at me

0:26:550:26:57

# Sometimes I feel bipolar

0:26:570:27:02

# (SOFTLY) Sometimes I feel bipolar

0:27:020:27:05

# Sometimes I feel bipolar! #

0:27:050:27:10

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:100:27:14

Loretta Maine! Fantastic.

0:27:190:27:23

If we left you wanting more after the show,

0:27:240:27:26

part the folds of the internet and flick our clips at...

0:27:260:27:30

Me and the electrolytes

0:27:340:27:35

bid you farewell. Goodbye!

0:27:350:27:37

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:370:27:40

Everyone is literally bricking their pants except for yours truly.

0:27:450:27:48

Why, cos you'd had more weed?

0:27:480:27:50

-Well, skunk.

-Right.

0:27:500:27:52

Hey, man. I, uh...

0:27:520:27:54

I just wanted to say sorry for the whole calling-you-a-dork thing.

0:27:540:27:57

You must have got enough of that at school from jocks like me.

0:27:570:28:00

It's him you should be apologising to. He has to work with you.

0:28:000:28:03

Yeah, you're right.

0:28:030:28:05

Anyway, see you later.

0:28:050:28:07

Look, man, you got my number, yeah?

0:28:090:28:10

I've got hydroponic, I've got special blend

0:28:100:28:13

and my own one called Mikey's Weed.

0:28:130:28:14

WHISPERS: Don't, no.

0:28:140:28:16

No, no! Tom, don't!

0:28:170:28:18

Fucking scary dork!

0:28:210:28:23

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:490:28:53

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