Episode 2 Live at the Electric

This programme contains some strong language.

-Internet's down again.

-Oh, no! Now I can't watch farmyard porn.

-Yeah, it's really bad. It's frozen on a woman having sex with a pig.

-Really?

Very funny.

Joke's on you cos I've actually seen 90% of the piggy porn out

-there already.

-Gross. Have you called the IT guy?

I have called the nerd hotline, yes.

-One very spotty dork coming right up. That's why I brought my towel?

-Why?

Because as a jock, it is my duty to ass whip him!

Oh, speak of the nerd and he shall appear. I thought I could smell skid marks.

-All right, guys? Hear you got a problem with...

-Urgh!

Nipple gripple! Dorkazoid!

-Hey, man. I'm Tom.

-Hey. Mike. What's the problem?

-I just dragged this file into network settings.

-You did what?! Holy shit!

We've got about ten seconds. This whole place is going to blow.

-Nah, you're all right. I'll fix it.

-Cool.

-Ha-ha-ha! Why were you late?

-Did someone wedgie you?

-I didn't think I was late.

-What's your name again?

-Mike.

-Mike... Your parents didn't give you a chance, did they?

-LAUGHS

-Classic dork. Glasses.

-I'm not wearing any.

-Spots.

-Shorts?!

-And shorts!

-You're wearing shorts.

These aren't shorts. They're three-quarter lengths.

Basically trousers, except...you don't look stupid wearing Crocs.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, milkers at the teats of comedy,

-this is Live At The Electric!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yup. Yes.

I am bursting with inapprops excitement this week.

My gang of sketch and character comedians are booted up and ready to go.

We weren't popular at school, but at least now we've found our niche. Niche.

I still can't believe I'm hosting this cracking show.

I remember when I was a kid, my dad used to say,

"It's tough now, son, but don't worry, it only gets better."

Did he eff say that?! "Life will always be tough!

"It gets harder, if you don't die of something 'orrible!"

My dad, he was a proper Essex geezer. Have we got any Essex people in the room?

CHEERS

One of my best friends as well, Eve, is from Essex. You know when someone's so Essex,

it's almost like they've got a disability from it?

"I'm so Essex, I can't move from it, Russ."

Everything she says is crippled in her vocal chords. Massive. Massive amounts of vowels.

"Do you want to go for a sambuca-a-a-ah?"

Pronounce everything that can be pronounced wrong is

pronounced wrong. It was amazing. Her boyfriend's called Mickey.

By the way, I'm not making these up. That would make me a good writer.

These are things that actually happened to me. "Mickey bought me some of that underwear.

"It's right sexy." What did she say next? "It was that agent prov-oh-cay-tah."

When she was trying to woo Mickey, that was my favourite one. "Mickey, the guy who owns the car

"garage across the road. I sent him a pair of knickers in the post to try and entice him.

"I downsized a bit, sent 14s, didn't want him to think I was fat."

Genuine quote.

I'm from Essex. The more regional you get in Essex, the more the regional rule applies.

I've recently started dating a girl from the north. That's right. Northern girls.

-< Yes!

-Look at a man cheering! "Yes!"

"Mate with our females! They're right high quality, those!"

"Our Sharon's got a lovely vulva!"

No, I've been... I'm seeing a girl from Manchester.

That's how they have sex in Manchester. "Yeo-oh, don't stop.

"Yeo-oh, don't stop. Hacienda!"

It's going really well. I've been really impressed with girls from the north.

They're stereotypes that I thought were stereotypes, but they're true.

I love the strength of northern women. I'm the type of guy that can walk out of a shop cos

I didn't get the assistant's attention. I didn't pay, I ran out, I couldn't get his attention.

"It's all right, babe. I'll go in. I'll sort it out. You stay in the car."

The type of girl that's going to just go, "Don't worry. I'll break his fucking collar bone for you.

"You bastard!" Those women. And also, really grateful for affection.

Down south where I'm from, in Essex, it's considered needy

if you just stare at a girl the whole time you're out.

"I don't want to take my eyes off you. "I'm going to wait outside the toilet while you're in there."

But up north, "It's so nice the way you gave me attention all night.

"It wasn't like stalking for me and I'm from Manchester.

"We'd never do that." This is a genuine quote, by the way.

Please tell me, ladies from the north, that this girl is winding me up. It cannot be true.

I worry for you gentlemen from the north, if this is true.

"It was so nice the way you held me after we did what we did last night.

"A man from Manchester would never do that. It's very rare." Oh, my God! That cannot be true.

That's just standard where I'm from. "Oh, we had a sexual experience.

"Let's hold each other and watch Twilight. I love you.

"Let's straighten each other's hair while we cry about our orgasms.

"Uh-huh-huh-huh."

What the hell is going on up north, gentlemen?!

"I've ejaculated, I'll be in the shed."

APPLAUSE

Right, let's shake the soft drinks can of entertainment because here is Film Fizz.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hi, and welcome back to Film Fizz.

OK, Liam will only be answering questions about Lethal Assignment 4

and do not, I repeat, do not ask him about any of the rumours.

Absolutely. Wasn't going to. What rumours?

So, Liam Watson, what a pleasure to meet you. How are you doing?

Super, thank you. It's a pleasure to be in Britain.

I tried fish and chips for the first time. I never want to leave.

So, when you were filming Lethal Assignment 4,

you had to spend a lot of time away from home. Did you get homesick?

-What does he mean by that?

-He's asking you if you got homesick.

-As in "gay"?

-No, as in you miss your home.

No, I didn't.

I'm always travelling on the road and like I say,

home is where the heart is.

So, in the movie, you do all of your own stunts.

OK, this interview is over!

-"Doing your own stunts" is gay slang for fisting.

-No, it's not.

How does he know I'm gay? Who showed him this photo?

-Ask him if he's seen it.

-Have you ever seen this photo?

-Well, I have now.

-What does me mean by that? Why did he say that?

All right, just stick to questions about the movie, please.

So, Liam, what was your inspiration

for the char...film character in the movie...in the film?

My boyfriend. By which I mean...my wife. It's a pet name for my wife.

OK.

Nailed it.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How good was that?

Now, an act so influential to me, I've removed my Prince Albert

and replaced it with a King Edward. That's right.

It's Two Episodes Of Mash.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Good evening. I'm Joe. This is Diane.

-Hello.

Oh!

-Tonight, we're going to do something magical.

-Can I take it off.

-No.

Turn it on.

We're going to make history because this here that Di's wearing,

my Aunty Pam made.

Basically, using this equipment, Diane can control what

pictures come up on the green screen, just using her mind.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

So, go on then. Put...think something and put it on the background.

-Is that an Eccles cake?

-Yeah, I really fancy an Eccles cake.

Can't have an Eccles cake. Think of something else.

Don't make it bigger, you prick!

-Think of something else.

-I'm trying, but I really fancy an Eccles cake!

-Got the taste for one.

-Think of something else, you dick.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I'm thinking about punching you.

-Yeah, I gathered that.

Right, think of an Eccles cake then.

Let's do the first sketch.

Thank you.

HE WHISTLES TO HIMSELF

Hiya.

Hi, love. You all right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

SHE SOBS

-Everything all right?

-Yeah, yeah, everything's fine!

-Well, clearly there's something wrong.

-Nothing's wrong!

What's wrong? Just... What's wrong?

Just tell me. What's wrong?

-If I tell you, do you promise not to get angry?

-I don't know, do I?

-I don't know what's happened.

-Promise?

-Just tell me!

I crashed the car!

APPLAUSE

Not again.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Two Episodes Of MASH. Give it up.

Wittank now, guys who are so sketch,

they can only be pictured in soft pencil.

Make some noise for The School!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jones, you know it's the French listening exam today?

France isn't real!

Is it?

Well, if it isn't Anthony and Cleotwatra.

-Morning, headmaster.

-Shut up and listen.

One of the exams has gone out of control. There's French everywhere.

-What do you mean?

-I mean...

MUSIC: "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" by Edith Piaf

It's spreading.

Don't be so silly.

HE SHRIEKS

-Do something!

-I'll call the police.

-What the hell's going on?

-OK, everybody just stay calm.

Qu'est-ce que c'est?

He's infected!

HE YELLS

THUNDEROUS CRASH

Bonjour.

Oh, God, it stinks! Let's get out of here.

Not you as well! Get away from me!

Both of you, get away from me!

No! No!

MUSIC SWELLS

Merci.

ACCORDION PLAYS THE CAN-CAN

DISTORTED MUSIC

Haw-haw-haw!

No-o-o-on!

End of examination.

-Thank God it's over.

-Yes.

But I'm worried it's history next.

What? No, it isn't. I'm just going to a...

..a meeting.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was Wittank.

Now, let's extend our hand of friendship up the M1,

divert it on the A1 due to a lorry fire

and make some noise for Lucy Beaumont!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. I'm Lucy.

Some people have described me as quite odd,

but I always say I'm not odd, I'm from Hull.

People pick on the way we speak, you know.

I've never been insecure about it before

but I was talking to this man in the street in London

and he was like, "Whoa, where's your accent from? It's mental!" Like that.

And I went, "From the East Coast."

And he went, "Say East Coast again."

I went, "East Coast,"

and he went, "Aw, bless you."

And he had no legs.

But they do say that people are friendlier in the North, don't they?

I mean, I think we are, in Hull.

But I wouldn't go clubbing in Hull.

The last time I went clubbing in Hull was for a school reunion

and we ended up in this real dodgy bar,

and there was a woman on the table with her top off

and all these men, like, stood leering around her

and me friend went, "Don't look, Lucy." Like that.

And I went, "Why?"

And she went, "It's your mam."

I know. But my mum does worry about me, though.

You know, walking around on a night, and she said if I'm ever on me own

and I think there's someone following me,

all I have to do is just bend down and pretend to be a chicken.

Like that. I know. And there was this time I was on me own

and there was this man behind me

and I went to bend down and I thought,

"I'd just rather him attack me. It'd be less embarrassing."

But, like, we all make mistakes, don't we?

I know this hairdresser in Hull. She's made a big mistake, actually.

She was cutting this man's hair recently, like this,

and when she finished, she held up a mirror

and she went, "What do you think?" And when she looked down,

his hand was moving up and down underneath his gown.

I know. She hit him over the head with the mirror

and she went, "What do you think you're doing, you dirty bugger?"

He went, "I'm cleaning my glasses so I can have a look."

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The lovely Lucy Beaumont!

CHEERING

So I'm hiding in the cupboard and her dad walks in.

Shit, man, you must have been bricking yourself.

No, I was quite chilled out cos I'd been on that weed, remember?

Oh, yeah. Awesome.

-(HIGH-PITCHED):

-Ha-ha!

Nelson from The Simpsons.

I do a good Bart, as well, but then my balls dropped.

Bart's actually played by a woman.

Cool fact. Do you want to see a magic trick?

"Do you want to see a magic trick?" Yeah, go on. This should be good.

-Right, imagine there's a salt shaker there.

-OK.

-Pick it up.

-OK.

Now shake the salt into your mouth.

-Abracadabra, you're sucking a dick.

-A man's dick.

Obviously it's a man's dick.

By the way, I think you meant to put this on my back. Here, you hold it.

I'll turn around for you.

What? It's what the sign said.

-I should do that more often.

-What, kick him?

Should do more than that, mate.

Don't let a freak like that walk all over you.

-I've stabbed a man for less.

-LAUGHS: Yeah!

Seriously.

If he'd have kicked me, or you for that matter, I'd have stabbed him.

Why? Do you carry a machete?

Machetes are for pussies.

I like to get close.

Now, people often say that despite my Essex roots,

I speak in a mellifluous lyrical lilt,

as if I was scripted by the Bard, Shakespeare himself.

But I say no, because that would sound like this.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, pluck out my pussy-loving eyes.

The cat is dead.

Oh, Tiddles!

Oh, speak not the furry bastard's name. Tiddles.

And to be thus run from life by a Nissan Micra Verve,

a car of city convenience that doth inconvenience our hearts.

Five gears shifting the acceleration of my grief

so that tears, like brake fluid, do spill over the chassis of my cheeks.

Goodbye, fair Tiddles.

For much like one of your ferocious morning curl-offs,

you are dug and buried.

No strokes, no purrs, no hugs in bed.

For life's dry of pussy now Tiddles is dead.

Pussy!

Pussy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, he's been a hit with all the ladies backstage,

or at least he's been hit by a few of them.

Please welcome Marcel Lucont!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mesdames, messieurs,

a brief extract now from my next book,

a manual for the sex addict...

..entitled Thinking Outside The Box.

I present to you 50 actual ways to leave your lover.

Walk.

Run.

Swim.

Location dependent.

Bicycle.

Motor bicycle.

Tricycle.

Unicycle.

Segway.

Tractor.

Tank.

Telephone.

Telegram.

Television. If she is worth it.

Telepathy.

Telemarketer. If she is not worth it.

Mail.

E-mail.

She-mail.

Exotic.

And for the more advanced,

plant seeds in her garden, or a nearby hillside,

arranged in such a way that when they bloom,

they form a perfect picture of you fucking her best friend.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sign up together to run a marathon.

Five minutes in, tell to her your ankle is hurt,

but you will catch her up.

Then run back to the start

and use the following five hours to get home, pack all of your bags...

..and catch the flight to Mexico,

using the sponsorship money you have raised.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

COUGHING AND RATTLING

What was that?

We've got a live one! We've got a live one!

Sometimes we get a live one, which we have to deal with.

Right. Shouldn't we have tried to resuscitate him or something?

-Yeah, then we don't get paid.

-Oh.

This one's going to need a closed coffin

because it's been shot in the face so many times.

APPLAUSE

Now please welcome a lady who mixes sexy and miserable so well

that if misexerable was a word, she'd be that.

Hang on, I've just been told misexerable IS a word.

It means a flaky rash on the scrotum brought on by vitamin D deficiency.

Sorry. What she is is absolutely bloody brilliant.

Make some noise for Loretta Maine!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Thank you. I'm just going to do a quick soundtrack.

# I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding! #

Can you hear that? Is that OK? Is that loud enough? Great. OK, um...

I'm here to sing some songs. Um...

My songs are off my new album I'm Not Drunk, I Just Need To Talk To You.

The, uh...

The song that I'm going to sing for you now,

I actually wrote for my new boyfriend.

He was supposed to be here tonight, but his wife went into labour, so...

Selfish!

# Sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down

# Sometimes it goes the other way round

# Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad

# Sometimes it feels like I'm going mad

# Stop looking at me

# But keep looking at me

# But stop looking at me

# But come closer

# Stop looking at me but keep looking at me

# Sometimes I feel bipolar

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I'm 29, not going far

# No tax to dodge like Jimmy Carr

# A record deal, no boyfriend too

# Sometimes it feels like life is shitting on you

# Stop shitting on me

# But keep shitting on me

# But stop shitting on me

# But come closer

# Stop shitting on me but keep shitting on me

# Sometimes I feel bipolar. #

Some people don't think this is a great introductory song.

But to those people I say FUCK YOU!

The same people don't believe that I'm bipolar.

Well, yes, actually, I am bipolar.

I was bipolar back when it was called manic depression.

Of course I'm bipolar. All the best people are bipolar.

The magazines have told us that.

# Stephen Fry, he is bipolar

# Catherine Zeta Jones, she is bipolar

# Kurt Cobain is...was bipolar

# Mel Gibson is probably bipolar

# Amy Whitehouse was bipolar

# Katie Melua wishes she was bipolar

# Kerry Katona - shock horror - is bipolar

# Sinead O'Connor is a nun!

# Stop looking at me, but keep looking at me

# Sometimes I feel bipolar

# (SOFTLY) Sometimes I feel bipolar

# Sometimes I feel bipolar! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Loretta Maine! Fantastic.

If we left you wanting more after the show,

part the folds of the internet and flick our clips at...

Me and the electrolytes

bid you farewell. Goodbye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Everyone is literally bricking their pants except for yours truly.

Why, cos you'd had more weed?

-Well, skunk.

-Right.

Hey, man. I, uh...

I just wanted to say sorry for the whole calling-you-a-dork thing.

You must have got enough of that at school from jocks like me.

It's him you should be apologising to. He has to work with you.

Yeah, you're right.

Anyway, see you later.

Look, man, you got my number, yeah?

I've got hydroponic, I've got special blend

and my own one called Mikey's Weed.

WHISPERS: Don't, no.

No, no! Tom, don't!

Fucking scary dork!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd